Original subtitles

Hello, welcome to my lecture.

Today, I'm going to teach you how to

use the new iPad Air.

First, you need to instal the new iPad

Air.

So do you, pal.

Charlie dropped by and brought me the most

beautiful wild orchids.

Look at that.

Well, did she offer you a drink?

Oh, she did.

How about a cigar?

Yeah, I got one of those too.

Well, you're all set then, huh?

Except that I gotta go to work.

Oh.

But thank you for your hospitality, ma'am.

Why, you are most welcome kind, sir.

Good of you to drop by, Charlie.

Keep Ed in the company.

Well, I thought at least I could be

better company than that dull carrot.

Here you go, Shifty-Eyes.

Here you go, Shifty-Eyes.

Is that all he ever says?

Of course not.

Tom, Tom.

San Diego, Belgrade, Sofia.

Love to you, Mr. Stimble.

All aboard.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

It took us a while to figure it

out, but we finally decided.

It's the last five stops on the old

Orient Express heading east.

Where do you suppose he ever learned that?

Travelling.

Very strange little man born and brought to

New Orleans.

You guys have got yourself one weird bird.

Here you go, Shifty-Eyes.

Shifty-Eyes.

He's making a habit of these afternoon visits,

isn't he?

Oh, darling, Charlie's harmless.

Is he?

San Diego, Belgrade, Sofia.

Love to you, Mr. Stimble.

All aboard.

You're one of those cats, Mr. Tom.

What happened?

Something broke in here.

Is he all right?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

He seems to be all right.

He's lost a few feathers.

It was one of those cats, wasn't it?

One of those damn cats.

No, it wasn't any cat.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Have you seen what our bird has been

doing?

Looks like he's building a nest to me.

Drink, Charlie?

Got one.

Cigar?

Almost there.

Stay for dinner?

Oh, he can't.

He has to go to work.

Oh, of course.

Forgot.

I asked Charlie to drop by, darling, so

that he could give us some advice about

Tom.

No.

You better start calling him Thomasina, good buddy.

Because what you got out there is a

female parrot.

You're a parrot expert now, Charlie?

No, but I can tell a male from

a female in pretty near every creature God

ever made.

And what you got out there right now

is a female parrot that's fixing to raise

a family.

I was so relieved when he told me.

I thought poor Tom was going crazy.

She wouldn't talk and just kept putting all

these little pieces of paper and sticks together

the whole time.

She was building a nest.

Isn't that exciting?

Very.

Yeah, I wonder who the daddy is.

Very good question.

Jack!

Jack!

What?

You better come quickly.

Why?

It's Tom.

He's...

Impossible.

She looks awful.

Tom?

You all right?

Gee, you got shifty eyes.

Gee, you got shifty...

She's dead.

What shall we do with this?

We could blow it.

Keep it as a souvenir.

You can't be serious.

Why?

Well, that's cruel.

I know.

We could...

We could incubate it and make it hatch.

We don't know anything about hatching parrots.

I know.

I'll call Charlie.

He knows about things like that.

He'll know what to do.

Yeah.

It's a good idea you do that.

Call Charlie.

Well, where are you going?

To dig the grave to bury Tom, unless

you want Charlie to do that, too.

Oh, don't be that way, Jack.

I told you, Charlie is completely harmless.

Is he?

Look, I...

Oh, darling.

It won't be that way again.

Not like in Mexico.

Not ever again.

Charlie's going away, darling.

Yeah, they want me back at headquarters.

Telex just came in.

I'm gonna be gone about six weeks.

I brought this over to hatch your egg

in.

Who told you about the egg?

Oh, well, I told him, darling.

I...

I called Charlie while you were out digging

poor old Thomasine's grave.

Now, all you do is put the egg

in here, turn the light on, keep it

warm, it ought to pop right out of

the shell.

I just knocked this together with some old

junk I had laying around, so it ain't

fancy, but it ought to work.

That's awful, sweetie, Charlie.

Won't you come in and have a drink?

No, no, I can't.

I got to go pack.

Here you go, Jack.

Thanks.

You know, I'm kind of curious about what's

gonna hatch out of that egg.

Since you say you didn't get a good

look at the daddy, it might turn out

to be something unusual.

I never said I didn't get a good

look at him.

You saw him?

He never told me that.

Well, what'd he look like?

Well...

He was different.

Did you hear that?

It's Charlie.

He's back.

I heard.

We could at least try to be civil.

Always civil.

Always polite.

In fact, sometimes I think I must be

the politest man in the whole world.

Darling, you're going to have to try to

do something about your dream.

Your drinking these past six weeks have just

been...

I know.

You told me.

The past six weeks have been hell.

But if you would just try to...

Do something about my drinking?

I think I will.

I think I'll have another drink.

Charlie, why don't you tell me everything I

want to know, all the details?

Hi, Jack.

Charlie.

That was headquarters.

Oh, great.

Just great.

I'm glad you hear what I heard about

you.

Really?

Meantime, what can I offer you?

My liquor?

My cigars?

My piano?

My wife.

Now, that last remark wasn't very funny, friend.

Don't pay any attention to him.

For the past few days, he's just been

brooding.

Brooding, huh?

About what?

Charlie...

You're a mechanical genius.

Well, I always thought of myself as half

smart.

But genius?

It's an incubator you knocked together.

It worked.

Boy, did it work.

Your egg hatched, huh?

It hatched.

Well, where's the offspring?

Good Lord!

It grew to that size in six weeks?

Five weeks.

It took a week for the egg to

hatch.

But it's black.

Cold black.

I don't think I've even heard of a

black parrot.

It's not a parrot, Charlie.

Well, what is it?

Well, it's interesting.

You're the expert on, uh...

What do you call them, all the God's

critters?

Well, what kind of a critter is that?

Male?

Female?

Something in between.

I don't think I've ever seen anything like

it.

I want to give the thing away.

Why?

Because it...

watches.

Watches what?

Everything.

Can it talk?

Not sure.

Can you talk, handsome?

Is that what you named it, handsome?

Hasn't got a name, but I sometimes...

call it handsome.

Edna doesn't call it anything at all, doesn't

she?

Doesn't like to be watched.

Let's not waste the whole evening talking about

that stupid bird.

Charlie, I want you to tell me all

about headquarters.

I want to hear all the gossip.

Well, they're real high on your husband there.

From what I can gather, anyway, they're gonna...

got some real big plans for us.

Did you hear that, Jack?

I'd be rewarded for it.

Happiness of thought and neatness.

Neatness counts for a great deal at headquarters.

You can turn in a report that says

nothing at all.

But so long as it's neat, headquarters will

be delighted.

Well, I reckon I brought back a little

news about myself, too.

Oh, what?

I'm gonna be transferred.

When?

Next week.

Where are you going?

Bogota.

Bogota.

Lot of pirates in Bogota.

Hear that, handsome?

Charlie's being transferred to Bogota.

What do you think of that?

Well, I waited as long as I could,

Jack, but I gotta catch that plane.

I just stopped over to say so long.

Say so long to Edna?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we said goodbye.

Hope it wasn't too painful.

Well, Jack, I never like saying goodbye to

good friends.

And that's how I always think of you

and Edna.

Good friends.

Say goodbye to the bird?

You know, Jack, you ought to get rid

of that bird.

He don't do nothing but sit up there

and chuckle that mean, low-down chuckle of

his all day long.

It's driving Edna plum crazy.

You know what she said?

Well, she didn't come right out and say

it, but shoot, you can tell.

I mean, you can tell.

That bird's driving her crazy.

I hope you straighten out, boy.

I surely do.

So long, Charlie.

Hiya, handsome.

Ready for your lesson?

Okay, now.

Repeat after me.

Gee, you got shifty eyes.

Gee, you got shifty eyes.

I'll bet you could talk if you wanted

to.

I'll bet you could tell me all kinds

of interesting things.

I didn't hear you come in.

Just, uh...

giving handsome his lesson.

He's not much of a pupil.

You missed Charlie.

He dropped over to say goodbye.

No, I didn't miss him.

You saw him?

Well, he's right.

He, uh, he stopped and chatted.

He wanted to say farewell.

Charlie, with his wisdom, thinks you're going crazy.

Charlie didn't say that.

Yes, he did.

How long was he here?

About an hour, I guess.

I suppose you could spend an hour saying

goodbye to somebody if he'd tell you you

were going crazy.

You're making that up.

No.

He thinks the bird is driving you crazy.

It just makes me nervous, that's all.

Look, Jack, can we talk?

Sure.

Not here.

In the bedroom?

Private, huh?

That's right, private.

Wow!

I have some news, darling.

Some good news.

What?

I'm going to have a baby.

You're sure?

I'm very sure.

Damn, that is great.

That is just great.

When?

I mean, when?

About seven months, I guess.

A baby?

A son.

An heir.

A daughter, I mean.

What would a daughter be?

An heiress.

This changes everything.

No more fighting, no more brooding, no more

booze.

First, one last celebration.

Bottle of champagne in the refrigerator.

What do you say?

One last celebration.

Darling, could I ask you just one thing?

Anything.

Can we get rid of that awful bird?

Done.

First thing in the morning.

Now, champagne.

What do you think, handsome?

I'm going to be a father.

You don't say so.

What about Jack?

What did you say?

You think the child is his?

Don't worry, he's a fool.

Just kiss me, darling.

Jack, what was that?

Nothing.

Say it again.

Say it again, just one more time.

You think the child is his?

Don't worry, he's a fool.

Just kiss me, darling.

Jack, where's the champagne?

He's a fool.

Just kiss me, darling.

Where's the champagne?

Jack!

You think the child is his?

Don't worry, he's a fool.

What about Jack?

Do you got shifty eyes?