Original subtitles

So, let's all check our diaries.

Fifteen, strong remorning of genes.

Thirty-first, the fate, Ruth will run the

rummage store.

As always.

Seventh of August, bring and buy sale.

And fourteenth, open day for my garden.

If I can get it presentable by then,

oh, I'm sure you will.

How much do you think we should charge?

Do you think people will pay a pound

this year?

No.

Oh, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

All right.

All right.

Norma, you're a friend of teaching.

Thank you very much.

First to me, all right.

Right.

Second guard, ladies.

Any other business?

I can't think of anything.

Right, it's next Wednesday at gins.

Isn't it obliging?

Is eleven o'clock alright for you, Ruth?

Yes.

Fifteen.

And now, let's all sample some of Ruth's

delicious scones.

Oh, golly, Norma, that's naughty of you.

They're very old.

Monkey gym.

monkey gym at the zoo, monkey gym in

the jungle, monkey gym goes to sea.

what the hell else can I do?

I'm starting to repeat myself.

would you believe it?

two boys from the local school bought themselves

a metal detector and they have just unearthed

a Roman pot containing coins valued at 70

,000 pounds.

one more monkey gym and that'll be it.

I'm written out now.

I've had it.

come on.

come on.

be a bit helpful for a change.

I mean monkey gym monkey gym monkey gym

in Timbuktu.

it's not bad.

it's not half bad.

monkey gym Timbuktu.

your sweet sister has finished her committee meeting.

Norma's been chairing meetings since she was 10.

boss boss boss.

Chris the open day for the garden will

be the 14th.

well miss Norma I can't answer what it

looked like and you know why.

I was promised help but I don't get

any.

yes well I'm sure if we all put

our shoulders to the wheel.

my shoulders to the wheel?

somebody else is sitting on the backside.

why don't you write a novel?

I can't write a novel.

I can't write a novel.

I'm trying to write a novel and I

can't.

for heaven's sake I'm sick and tired of

hearing you blab about monkey gym.

anyone would think you were Charles Dickens.

it's only 10,000 words for ten-year

old morons.

sorry have I come at a bad moment?

I've never known you come at a good

one.

Bob.

Norma rescues us.

you know that.

look I don't expect you to love each

other but you mean be just plain bloody

rude.

well I'm going to be plain bloody rude.

your husband's a layabout and a scrounger.

Norma please.

you've come back from Rhodesia without a penny

and I say you can have this lodge

rent-free if you'll help crisp with the

garden and you'll lie around from morning to

night without so much as pulling up a

thistle.

I've written 30 applications for jobs in the

last month.

is it my fault if there's a recession?

and while you were sunning yourself in your

safari paradise I was nursing daddy for five

years.

because you didn't want to go into a

home and I wouldn't let you.

well you didn't do too badly out of

it Norma.

you ended up with everything and Emily got

nothing.

and I earned it.

every penny.

if you rattle our bargain you can clear

off.

go back to ze bobby or whatever it's

called.

I could let this lodge for 50 pounds

a week.

I promised daddy before he died that I

would never sell this place.

look after the garden that he made with

his own hands.

and keep it just the same.

she's right Bob.

it's not working is it?

not for any of us.

nag nag nag.

don't you ever stop.

you're nothing but a parasite.

you live off the state.

I sweat my guts.

I sweat my guts.

I live among you nymphs.

I haven't bought myself so much as a

pair of tights or a piece of cake

in months.

and now you're gonna spend a hundred pounds.

a hundred pounds on another of your stupid

ideas.

here we go.

another one of your artistic tantrums.

look if you can't make a living out

of a monkey gym why don't you get

yourself a job as a typist or a

barmaid.

at least I'll get some peace.

I see you'd like to be rid of

me.

is that it?

you want me out of the way?

quite a ding dong.

I didn't knock because it is after all

my property.

and I switched that off because I know

for a fact that Emily bought it.

and I doubt if you've bought yourself anything

more than a can of beer since your

first wife died.

what do you want?

I want to know one thing.

where is Emily?

she's away.

I know she's away.

no one's seen her for the past three

weeks.

where is she?

she had this new monkey gym book to

finish.

deadline end of September.

she said the only way she was gonna

do it was if she got away by

herself somewhere.

may I have her address and telephone number?

she didn't want anyone to know it.

not her agent.

not her publisher.

not her illustrator.

and especially not you.

if she's gone away to write why has

she left her typewriter?

bought a new one.

electric.

has she gone off with someone else?

I wouldn't blame her.

what about all those schemes of yours that

never made any money?

such daring schemes.

and underneath such an undaring man.

you're in the way again.

damn you.

she's been away now over a month.

well you can imagine what I think.

his first wife died in a shooting accident

on safari in Africa.

after he'd insured her life for 20,000

pounds.

what did he do with it?

lost the lot.

running a bar in Bulawayo.

disgraceful.

surely you were legal right to make him

tell you where she is.

Jean.

I'm a magistrate.

she knows the law dear.

she's an adult.

he needn't tell me a thing.

Norma have you thought of going to the

police?

of course.

yesterday.

they just poo-pooed me.

said God knows how many people go missing

every year.

wives run off, husbands run off, children leave

home.

so what can you do?

I don't know.

hello.

hello Bob darling.

who's that?

who do you think it is?

it's me Emily.

Emily?

you can't be Emily.

why not Bob?

because...

because what?

wife's still away then?

yes till she finishes a new book.

she should get her storeys on TV.

they say those kids programmes make a fortune.

well we live in hope.

hello Jack.

you you?

hello mr.

Bowles.

here I am.

your worst customer.

only come in once a year to collect

for the rummage sales.

for anything you don't want.

because what we don't sell goes to overseas

relief.

so even an old pair of shoes can

end up in Ethiopia.

we'll be back to collection a few days

time.

could I have some?

some?

two or three?

it's my wife you see.

she had a lot of old clothes she

didn't know what to do with.

so she said would I give them to

your rummage sale?

you're an idiot.

it's inconceivable

she'd have left all this behind.

practically her whole wardrobe.

my god.

what?

it's her spectacles.

she'd never have gone away to write without

these.

shh.

I whatever's

the matter Bob?

I I uh do

you know what Norman's found out?

he's insured Emily's life for 50,000 pounds.

it was a brilliant idea.

and it worked.

Bob was as right as a sheep.

I thought he was going to pass out.

and I think he's having a nervous breakdown.

that's the plan.

to make him have a breakdown.

Norman I'm sorry but doesn't this prove the

worst?

yes I'm afraid you're right.

I mean if Emily had gone away to

write she could have come back couldn't she?

and if he'd seen her in the village

he simply would have called out.

he looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

which if you believe in ghosts is all

poor Emily can be.

I'm sorry.

it's our committee meeting isn't it?

Ruth dear.

would you take the chair?

Norman are you all right?

would you be all right if your sister

had been murdered?

murdered?

murder?

what the hell's going on?

this is mr.

Goff.

he's a private detective.

he's had you under surveillance for the past

two weeks.

and this lady is an actress.

she impersonated Emily in the village and on

the telephone.

you thought you were going mad didn't you

Bob?

you had to come here and make sure

Emily was really dead.

there.

where you buried her.

dead?

has that ground been dug before?

certainly has sir.

and lately too.

why on earth would I want to kill

Emily?

you insured her life for 50,000 pounds.

explain that.

you can't can you?

it was exactly the same storey with your

first wife.

that was an accident.

the coroner's...

we won't need an inquest this time.

you're under arrest for the murder of Emily

Shand.

a private detective can't make an arrest.

I'm arresting you.

any citizen is entitled to make an arrest.

sorry sir.

citizens arrest is legal.

and one is entitled to use reasonable force.

it's going to be so dreadful.

for all of you.

you'll all have to come as witnesses.

make statements.

Norma don't worry about us.

you've been thinking of others for too long.

just look after yourself for a change.

he's insane isn't he?

he's got to be insane.

of course he is dear.

I'm only sorry they won't hang you.

hello.

what's this then?

poor Emily.

she's been in the earth now.

six weeks.

try not to think about it dear.

no I can't bear it.

take me home.

it's not possible.

what a surprise.

what's the matter?

what are you doing here?

quite a crowd.

hello Norma.

Bob!

I've done it.

I've done it.

ten thousand words and it's all over.

monkey Jim in Timbuktu.

oh!

have you missed me?

I tried not to.

hello.

have we met?

I'm Emily Norma's sister.

where have you been?

didn't you tell her?

I've been staying in a lovely little seaside

hotel where they bought me my meals in

my room.

never bothered me.

I finished the book.

and you know Bob it's not half bad.

it's not half bad.

doesn't seem as if you'll need me anymore.

would you mind telling me why were you

digging here?

I've been reading up on the local history

mr.

Goff.

apparently there was a Roman settlement somewhere near

here.

I bought myself a metal detector to pass

the time while my wife was away and

I got a very strong bleep.

just here.

do you want a hand mr.

Criss?

I've been digging for buried treasure mr.

Goff.

we'll send you our account in due course.

well you're going to need your friends now.

I only hope they stick by you.

oh!

Sybil!

we'll walk you home Norma.

you look like you could use a drink.

or several.

poor old Norma.

you looked after daddy for five years in

order to get him to change his will.

leave everything to you and nothing to Emily.

and it worked!

but now it has all gone horribly wrong

because we are going to sue you for

slander defamation of character wrongful arrest and common

assault.

Emily you can't.

and you being a magistrate the publicity is

going to be very nasty indeed.

Emily my dear you know I've always loved

you.

now's your chance to show it.

you planned this whole thing?

yes but who's gonna believe that?

of course we might be prepared to settle

out of court.

my fair share Norma.

no more no less.

you know it's only right and proper dear.

ha ha ha ha ha ha