Original subtitles

What's she got that we haven't?

I mean, apart from about 50 years head

start.

She can't remember a line, she can barely

move, and she certainly can't act.

But listen to them.

It's the English disease.

Go on, Sylvain.

If you go on doing anything for long

enough, the great British public will learn to

love you.

If you do it badly.

Especially if you do it badly.

Are you taking your course from here?

I think it's a closed

thing.

What?

Who dies first?

Sarah Bernard or the tour?

Good night.

Good night.

Hang about, girls.

Hi, Patrick.

Listen.

I want you to do me a favour.

Oh, not another cut in salary.

What do you take me for?

We remember Morecambe.

I was nursing the show then.

I explained.

What were you doing in Sheffield?

Are you burying it?

I found a new backer.

Oh?

Theatre buff.

Money, no object.

What's the catch?

None.

He's just very anxious to make your acquaintance.

Oh, not again.

Shame on you.

Theatrical empresario and white slave trader.

All I'm asking you to do is to

be civil to him.

Just butter him up a bit.

Well, it'll cost you.

Dinner.

Both of us.

Done.

Bless you.

Both of you.

Patrick?

Coming.

I'll come and rescue you in half an

hour.

I'll speak to her.

Good.

Yes, my love?

Where?

In my dressing room.

Do you want to play with the boys

tonight?

You mean poker?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I've got a date.

I hope he's nothing like that furry from

Clayheathen.

You mean the Ernest Bourne I look like?

Deep breaths.

Do it for England.

Hello.

I'm Herbert Millet.

As in maze?

I'm sorry?

Joke.

I don't quite follow.

Millet.

Maze.

You know, so as in maze.

Ah, yes.

My name is spelt M-I-L-L

E-E-T-T-E.

Well, it was a pretty corny joke anyway.

They'll make a meme out of it.

Sorry, it's a sort of private game.

I see.

How do you do?

Hello.

And I'm Susie Starr.

Yes.

Fine joke.

Would you like a drink?

Yes, thank you.

Help yourself.

Would you have a glass by any chance?

Yes.

There you go.

Thank you.

How did you like the show?

Oh, awfully good.

Especially you.

Good.

Both of you, of course.

Good.

Excuse us.

Slap me.

Thank you, Patrick.

It'll be better tomorrow.

I'll speak to them.

I could kill them.

Of course, we wouldn't be here at all

if it wasn't for wonderful people like you.

Oh, don't say that.

It's true.

What do you do?

Apart from backing shows, I mean.

I'm a toy manufacturer.

Really?

Mm, really.

Oh, I should think that's a jolly satisfying

job.

Well, as a matter of fact, it is.

I'm a toy manufacturer.

Well, it can be, if you do it

on a large enough scale.

And do you?

Do I what?

Do it on a large enough scale.

Make toys, I mean.

Well, I'd say I have an associated company

or a distributor in just about every country

in the world.

Do you now?

Look here, can't I get you a drink?

Gin and tonic, all right?

Mm, fine.

How about you, Miss Starr?

Oh, please.

Call me Susie.

Susie?

She'll have the same.

Oh, well, actually, I hardly ever touch it.

In a big size.

But since we're celebrating, I'll have the merest

sip of yours.

Salute.

Look, if your business is that big, what

on earth are you doing dabbling in show

business?

Well, I needed an outlet when my wife

died.

She died last year.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, we've been very close, you see, married

a long time.

I felt I needed a change, something with

no associations.

Oh, I can so understand that.

I believe you can.

I'm an extremely intuitive person.

Yes.

Yes.

I could feel, I don't know, a sort

of sense of loss about you the moment

we came into the room.

Isn't that amazing?

Amazing.

Excuse me.

I don't mind telling you I felt drawn

to you the minute you came in.

In fact, I was hoping to persuade you

to have dinner with me.

Oh.

Both of you, of course.

Oh, lovely.

How hospitable.

I've booked a table at Rule's.

That's my favourite restaurant.

Good.

Hey, just a minute.

What about dinner with Patrick?

Oh, darling, Patrick's your date, not mine.

It was sweet of you to ask me

to tag along.

But if Mr. Millet wouldn't be too bored

with just me for dinner.

Might you?

No.

Are you sure?

Certain.

I see.

Well, if you're ready.

Ready.

Say hello to Patrick, darling.

Good night, Miss Lewis.

Have a good one now.

It makes her come out in lumps.

You're not still mad at me?

No.

I can't think why you behaved absolutely abominably.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist

it.

Pat, he is loaded.

Caviar and champagne until it was coming out

of my ears.

And duck à l'orange and crepe Suzette

for Susie's supper.

I bet you had to sing for it.

And then home in a Rolls-Royce the

size of this room.

And no funny biz.

Do you mean he says after all that,

old Millet didn't even get his oats?

You can be very coarse sometimes.

Oh, must be catching.

No.

All he wanted was a chaste good night

or rather good morning kiss.

And that's all he got.

That, of course.

Well, I'll be damned.

Well, I'm not.

I am pure as snow white as far

as Herbert's concerned.

Oh, come on.

You'd be known to leap into bed on

the strength of a cup of rehearsal room

coffee.

Well, that's the Robin Hood in me.

Take from the rich, give to the needy.

Everybody's made Miriam.

Oh, shut up.

The thing is that Herbert respects me.

He even showed me a snap of his

dear departed.

Dog.

Crap, darling.

First prize for best British bulldog.

Not that he's exactly Paul Newman.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

A girl can't always have everything.

Who's that?

Robert Redford.

We should be so lucky.

Miss Susie Starr.

Oh, for me?

Miss Starr?

Oh, not for me.

Well, is she here?

Yeah, I'll sign for them.

Hang about.

There you go.

Thanks a lot.

Ooh, clever girl, then.

Wow.

I've done my best to make them wither

between here and the front door.

Oh, he doesn't do things by halves, does

he?

Herbert, would you say he was hooked?

I'd say he was yours for the taking.

And I'm green with envy.

It's real.

I'm engaged to Mr Worthing, Mama.

Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone.

When you do become engaged to someone, I,

or your father, should his health permit it,

will inform you of the fact.

It has always been a girlish dream of

mine to love someone whose name was...

Ernest.

There is something in that name that seems

to inspire absolute confidence.

I pity any poor young married woman whose

husband has not called her but...

Isn't he gorgeous?

Are you sure you've only held hands?

Cake or bread and butter?

Bread and butter, please.

Cake is rarely seen in the best houses

nowadays.

Kindly hand that to me, please.

Get me off the stage.

You have filled my tea with lumps of

sugar, and though I distinctly ask for bread

and butter...

Practical jokes.

You have given me a cake.

I'll speak to them.

You speak to them.

Do you like it better with the collar

down or up?

I'd like it better on me.

Susie, I put up with your pranks today

because I need Herbert's money, but I warn

you, you come on stage in his latest

offering, there'll be trouble.

What is it?

See for yourself.

It's outside the stage door.

Oh, I can't wait.

The imagination absolutely boggles.

Nice.

Yeah, nice one, baby.

Shall we see if it works?

What are you going to do for an

encore?

Let me sit on the back, Pat.

I wonder what the catch is.

The catch is...

he wants to marry me.

Figures.

I reckon it's the nice way of trying

to get his presents back.

Do you want to marry him?

Of course not.

I don't even fancy him.

On the other hand, I don't want to

lose this golden goose.

You can't eat your cake and have it.

Why not?

It looks really good on you.

Leave it to me and you will.

Oh, but of course.

Well, the bride and groom.

Thank you.

You'll be next.

Yes, indeed.

Where are you going for your honeymoon?

We're staying here, as a matter of fact.

Oh, but the Barbican's only three minutes away.

It's just while Herbert has his dreary old

penthouse redecorated.

While Susie has my perfectly adequate penthouse turned

into an Arabian night's fantasy.

But, darling, tenting's so cosy.

Just teasing, darling.

Susie didn't want to be too far away

in case the decorator wanted to see her.

Let's get some more champagne.

Wait till you see him.

The decorator.

John Travolta with the verest hint of Steve

McQueen.

Makes sense, wouldn't you say?

It's a bore.

One has to make oneself available.

You know, that's the wonderful thing about Susie.

I've never known her not make herself available

when she was wanted.

Absolutely.

Well...

There is something in that name that seems

to inspire absolute...

Good things come to an end.

That all you've got to say?

I'll miss you.

Of course.

If that's what you want.

You know me.

Never offend a backer.

Or your wife.

So you're finally going to turn in your

equity card?

Well, it's not exactly as if it was

paid up.

So much for combining marriage with a career.

You know, that's the wonderful thing about being

married to a rich man.

It suddenly makes the rat race lose its

appeal.

Mind you, if Patrick hadn't decided to go

back to his wife or even if that

decorator hadn't preferred sailors...

You don't have to make excuses.

I'd do the same if I had the

chance.

Oh, your turn will come.

I doubt it.

It will.

And when it does, you'd better make sure

that you milk it for all it's worth.

I'm not an expert like you.

Well, then you'd better just learn.

If you don't grab the goodies...

Don't moralise.

It's more than I can bear.

I'm just being practical.

But you grabbed this particular bunch of goodies

right from underneath my nose.

Proves my point, right?

Do you know, Susie, there are times when

I could tearfully murder you.

Adios, amigo.

Thanks.

Good-bye, Pip.

Good-bye, Jonathan.

So what's the trouble?

Anniversary dinner last night.

Three months of wedded bliss.

And they said it wouldn't last.

Souvenir?

Darling, Woolworths.

Soft lights, champagne.

And Herbert announces that he wants to become

a father.

What did you do?

I almost threw up.

Well, how are you going to wrinkle your

way out of this one?

Well, his dear departed couldn't manage to get

pregnant in all those years, right?

Right.

So I'm going to have to tell Herbert

the same sad storey.

Yes, but there's all those tests and things.

Oh, I'm going to have them all.

Do you remember my friendly Harley Street gynaecologist?

Dr. Optimus.

He owes me a favour, doesn't he?

He certainly does.

And he's going to have to tell Herbert

the bad news.

He can't be a daddy.

Oh, Susie.

Do you know what I actually would have

been to feel sorry for Herbert as time

goes by?

Well, I might.

If I hadn't met this tennis player who

looks just like Alain Delon.

I tell you, Pat, play a chorus right

and a girl just might have everything.

One of these days, Herbert's going to ramble

you nuts.

Yes, the husband's always the last to know.

Your attention, please.

The British Air Ferry passengers for Geneva, please

join their...

If he wasn't older than God in a

crashing ball, he could be quite fond of

Herbert.

He is so gullible.

He decided he wanted me to go to

Stuttgart with him this weekend.

To a toy fair.

Can you imagine me at a toy fair?

I invented this ailing aunt in Wales.

Did he believe you?

Oh, he bought it hook, line and sinker.

Susie?

Herbert.

What are you doing here?

And who's this?

What did you say?

What could I say?

I mean, even I couldn't convince Herbert that

I was flying to Wales, not with Paris

plastered all over my hand baggage.

How did he take it?

He turned very nasty.

Divorce?

And much worse than that.

Like he wants me out of the penthouse

by the time he gets back, and no

maintenance.

He's even going to sue to get back

his presents.

Well, you did rather ask for it, didn't

you?

Well, there's no need to sound so pleased

about it.

I looked after you when the going was

good, didn't I?

No.

How can you say that?

Because it's true.

If anyone looked after me, it was Herbert.

At least he gave me the odd glass

of champagne.

All you ever did was to show off

your presents and fro on about how you

were running rings around the court, Ruby.

Well, I'll make up for it.

People like Herbert don't grow on trees, you

know.

I know.

Hence my master plan to get him back.

For which I need your help.

Now what?

Sit down.

My attempted suicide.

Oh, I'll help with that gladly.

I've got this brilliant idea.

The sinner repents.

You?

Here's my suicide note.

I hope you remember to make your hands

shake.

Yes, it's even tear-stained.

I can't afford to screw this one up.

Where else would I find a cash dispenser

like Herbert?

A girl can't always have everything.

Now listen.

Tomorrow I'm booked into our honeymoon suite at

the Savoy because it's only three minutes away

from our penthouse.

You're going to come there with me.

Herbert's due back at 7 o'clock.

You start calling him at 6.45. What

for?

To make sure he's there.

Oh, you are slow.

When he answers, you hang up.

And then I can start timing everything.

Like what?

Like swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

Susie, don't mess around with sleeping pills.

I'd be scared stiff.

Well, I'm scared a bit.

Well, then don't take them.

Just pretend to.

I've got to.

It's got to look as real as possible.

What if something goes wrong?

That's why I'm working on every detail.

Now, the moment that you know that Herbert

is there, you rush right over and you

give him this.

And what do I tell Herbert?

You tell him that when you got home,

you found this along with this.

Dear Pat, please see that Herbert gets this.

Of course, you're very puzzled by the whole

thing, but you know how upset I've been

by the breakup, so you rush right over.

Got it?

I'm beginning to.

And the minute he opens the letter...

Wham.

You'd better pretend to be a little stunned

yourself.

Yes.

Now, you've got to make sure that Herbert

gets to me in time to slap me

awake.

Hurry, hurry, you've got to save her.

Call a doctor.

And to be on the safe side, I

will call a doctor.

Doctor Octopus.

Oh, of course.

Hopefully he gets there after Herbert saved my

life.

Forgive me, Herbert.

There's nothing to forgive, my darling.

It was all my fault.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Susie.

Tears of joy.

Clinch.

Fade out.

Academy Award.

Won't be a dry eye in the house.

After a shock like that, I don't think

that Herbert will ever question a thing I

do again.

I think you can safely count on that.

I'll be able to eat my cake and

have it too.

I'm planning on leaving my hair loose, but

do you think I should wear a sexy

black negligee or should it be pure white

and...

Don't laugh.

Virgin.

Oh, the pure look.

Definitely.

I only rang him five minutes ago.

I can't stand the suspense.

I've never known you have first night nerves

like this before.

I've never had a first night like this

before.

Ring him.

OK.

Herbert Village.

Get the show on the road.

You think it's going to work?

Yes, like a dream.

I'll ring you as soon as he leaves

the flat, then you can start taking the

pills.

You've got the suicide note?

Yes.

And my note to you?

Yes.

Well, I never had parts like this in

the theatre.

Right.

Knock on any oils, kid.

I'll do my best.

Pat.

Pat!

Hmm?

Wish me luck.

Oh, I do, darling.

Room 203, please.

Yes?

Susie?

Susie, listen, I've been thinking.

I don't think we should go through with

this.

I knew you were going to say that.

I'm not going to give all this up

now.

I just hope that you've pushed the creep

out of the door.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

He's on his way.

I feel terrible wearing this.

I know Susie would have wanted you to

have it.

Do you really think so?

I still can't quite believe it.

Susie, of all people.

I never imagined her killing herself.

I don't suppose she did.

What?

I mean...

I don't know.

These things happen.

You mustn't blame yourself.

You know, Pat, you're really rather a wonderful

person.

Thank you, Herbert.

No, I mean it.

I just don't know how I'd have got

through these past few weeks without you.

I only wish I could have done more

to help.

Would you like to have lunch with me?

Thank you.

That would be lovely.

Rules, all right?

My favourite restaurant.

I hope it won't be too dull for

you.

I'm afraid I'm not back at the top

of my form yet.

Well...

A girl can't always have everything.