Original subtitles

John Collier, who wrote this storey, is surely

one of the wittiest, most subtle writers of

our time.

He has produced a multitude of short storeys,

three novels and many fine film scripts.

When Collier writes fiction, he is totally outrageous.

Consider, for example, a novel called His Monkey

Wife, which is all about a female chimpanzee

who falls in love with and eventually marries

an undistinguished colonial schoolmaster.

If that isn't outrageous, I don't know what

is.

Here, then, is another equally outrageous Collier storey.

You were always pretty, but you're in grave

danger of becoming a beauty.

I'm looking forward to starting at the hospital.

God help the hearts of our students when

you're doing this.

Darling, would you circulate, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, I know James is going

to hate me making a speech.

All the same, I'm jolly well going to.

Now, then, who but Hermione would provide us

all with such a splendid feast?

A few hours before she goes off to

America.

Well, I'm quite sure of one thing, she'll

be the only one who doesn't suffer from

jet lag.

Well, you know, I sometimes feel nowadays that

Britain's losing faith in herself.

So it's a real shot in the arm

to know that our hospital, and in particular

James's unit, leads the world in one field.

So much so, in fact, that the Americans

want to steal James from us for nine

months.

Oh, well, that's the usual period of gestation.

So let's hope that the mating of James

and the Americans will bear fruit.

Well, we're all going to miss him.

And we shall miss Hermione, too.

And, alas, she won't be here to organise

our arts festival this summer.

However, I understand it's all in the capable

hands of...

Sebastian.

Who?

Sebastian.

Oh, Sebastian.

Yes.

Ah, yes.

Yes, well, I won't be here to bully

you all into buying tickets, but we do

have some most exciting events, particularly that series

of concerts of Renaissance music.

And I do hope that you'll all give

Sebastian your support.

Oh, yes.

Well, I hope you both have a splendid

trip.

Oh, and one thing.

We all know what James is going to

spend the proceeds on.

Well, what more harmless hobby could there be

than growing orchids?

I must say, they do look very nice.

I don't know much about them.

Mmm, they also smell very nice.

Just like Hermione.

What I smell of is packing, luggage and

mothballs.

Now, now, Gavin.

Now, I'd just like to say that the

research which has given us the honour of

this invitation is the result, like most modern

research, of teamwork.

And most of you here were in that

team, and we're both very grateful for all

your years of hard work and loyalty.

Thank you.

Thank you, Gavin.

Excellent.

And now, go on, everyone.

Darling.

The unit will go on while we're away,

of course, as usual.

But orchids need water.

And I'd be most grateful if all my

friends could take care of one of our

little beauties till we get back.

So if you'd just follow me.

They've all got a label with full instructions

on the back.

Now, look here.

This is a Pantheocordelium hirsutissimum.

Hirsutissimum.

I call it the hairy one.

Do you think he's going to like it?

Will it like me?

Oh, of course it will.

One thing worries me, Hermione.

James is going to get a lot of

offers over there.

A double, treble the salaries we get.

Now, you won't let him be tempted, will

you?

We need him.

Tom, I promise you, I won't let the

dollars seduce James or America seduce me.

Tom, I don't think you're going to escape

without one.

Oh, thank you.

I've got one with a Latin name that

sounds extremely rude.

Oh, you are lucky to have a husband

whose mania doesn't involve you and getting soaking

wet and freezing every weekend.

Oh, Tom's sailing.

Tom's sailing.

I'm Tom's crew.

I sometimes wish the boat would sink.

Not with Tom on it.

Well, preferably not.

Do you think orchids can't be annoying too?

How?

They can't talk.

Oh, James talks to them endlessly.

Well, rather more than he talks to me,

actually.

Sometimes he's in there half the night potting

and clinking away.

And whenever I want to watch television or

listen to a concert, that's the moment when

he decides he wants to put up some

shelving.

I want him to have a nice, new,

modern, aluminium greenhouse out of sight behind the

tennis court.

See, without his clutter it would make a

most marvellous garden.

Oh, and you're so clever at doing things

up.

No, I'm not clever.

Well, I'm clever enough to know what to

copy.

Put it out in the light until the

first frost.

We'll take the greatest care of it.

Intensive care of it.

Mine's just a stick.

Don't worry, it'll burst into butter in December.

Give it a light spray over with this

from time to time.

Ah, Samantha.

Now, this one's for you.

It's called an odontoglossum superba.

It's the most precious of them.

Why?

Is it a rare one?

It's the most precious, Samantha, because it will

give me an opportunity to call upon you

to collect it.

When exactly do we see you both again?

Oh, all being well, we should be back

for Christmas.

Put that over there, shall I?

Thank you.

There we are.

Now, drive carefully, eh?

See you at Christmas.

Bye.

Something the matter?

Oh, for God's sake, grow up!

I'm a big boy now, Mummy.

You can't set eyes on a young girl

without having to show me that you can

get her.

Well, all right, then.

Take one.

One of your adoring young nurses, maybe, and

I hope you're more used to her than

you are to me.

You've become a joke soon, you know.

People laugh at you behind your back.

The ageing Casanova.

Well, that's a role that I much prefer

to my present one, that of the henpecked

husband.

Henpecked husbands usually help.

It's your glory, Hermione, that you never need

help from anyone.

You're always so perfectly organised.

Aren't you?

Hermione!

Hermione!

What is it?

I just found something absolutely extraordinary.

Come up and see.

Milk turned off, gas, water, electricity...

Hermione!

Yes?

Something really peculiar.

What is it?

Aren't you dressed yet?

What are you doing?

Unless my eyesight's deceiving me, there's a gold

chain down that drain.

Can't be.

I haven't got a gold chain.

Oh, unless you've had someone here, of course.

Some tardy little nurse who needed a bath.

Really seriously, Hermione!

Come and look!

Oh!

Look there.

There.

Ah!

For sake, you can't be lost.

We were there an hour ago.

Well, it must be left, then right, then

left again.

All right.

Around the world, then.

One bloody earring.

You've been

losing earrings ever since I knew you.

Why don't you get your ears pierced?

I can't bear the thought.

Oh, you, a hospital nurse.

I told you they'd be gone.

Their flight's not until six.

They might be calling on someone on the

way.

Come on.

There it goes with my Chinese dress.

I want you to wear it till the

phrase is done.

Stop!

What is it now?

I just want to drop a note in.

They're sure to have a daily woman or

someone who keeps an eye on the place.

If earring found, please ring.

Why is it I can never remember our

telephone number?

2881.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes, we

should be landing at Los Angeles Airport.

Would you kindly observe the no smoking sign

and ensure that your seat is in the

upright position.

For your own safety and comfort, we ask

you to remain seated with your seatbelts fastened

until the captain has parked the aircraft at

the gate and indicated that it is safe

for you to stand by turning off the

seatbelt sign.

We're both having a marvellous time here in

L.A. and enjoying the legendary American hospitality.

Back for Christmas.

Much love.

Bye.

Hello?

Hello, James.

Eleanor, darling.

You got my message?

Oh, how are you?

I was scared to death I'd miss you.

You're in Los Angeles?

Yes, we've done New York, Chicago, Philadelphia.

Now I'm here, at last.

Oh, I didn't know exactly when.

Listen, Eleanor, I've got some great news.

She's left me.

She's gone.

Left you?

When?

Quite suddenly.

What do you mean, James?

Oh, hold on a minute.

Come in.

Oh, put it in better, will you?

So what time are you arriving?

Not till 9.30. Oh, that means a

late dinner, I suppose.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Well, I suppose I'll survive.

Oh, thanks very much.

I'll survive till then.

You should do.

Yes.

What are you going to do?

What do you mean, what am I going

to do?

I'm going to build a glass house, a

range of glass houses.

Settle down.

You don't need it.

Yes, I'm going to give up being a

doctor.

I'm fed up with transplanting bits of people

who are dead to people who ought to

be.

I just don't believe you, James.

What about the hospital?

Hold on a minute, sir.

Just a minute, darling.

James, what is it?

James?

James?

James?

Dear Madam, thank you for your letter of

Friday the 4th of March accepting our estimate

and for the house keys you enclosed, which

we're starting work on site immediately in order

to complete by Christmas as promised.

We confirm that the work involved is as

detailed as possible.

Supplying and erecting aluminium greenhouse as shown on

enclosed drawings.

Clearing existing conservatories.

Removing shelving.

Lifting old flooring.

Digging up foundations.

And laying new floor.

Thank you.