Original subtitles

Years ago, when I started buying old paintings

at country house auctions all over England, I

decided I'd better learn to clean and restore

them myself, so I did.

One day, I bought a small painting for

25 pence from a junk shop in Brighton.

It didn't even have a stretcher, it was

just a loose canvas and it had almost

certainly been cut out of its frame by

a thief.

When I cleaned off the top layer of

paint, there underneath it was a beautiful little

landscape.

The idea for the storey you're going to

see now actually came to me while I

was working on this picture.

Oh, the caviar, Karen.

Splendid, splendid.

No, forget that.

Put that over there.

You like all that charcoal.

The lemon here, please.

The caviar there.

Oh, that's just where was I?

Oh yes, on the plane.

On the plane coming back from New York,

I found myself sitting next to Paul Mannheim,

you know, the art critic.

And well, one thing led to another.

And when we got back to London, he

came around the flat and took a look

at my Picasso.

He said, I'll take another look at it

after it's been cleaned.

But you can imagine, I didn't take very

kindly to that.

I do love this stuff.

This is just marvellous.

What were we saying?

About the Picasso.

Oh yes, yes.

So, well, this friend of mine, well, she's

just a compulsive...

So I've learned to do it myself.

I've cleaned almost half of the Picasso already.

Thank you, darling.

Boy, I'm pretty good at it too.

All it takes is a steady hand and

a little patience.

These professionals who go on to show about

the secrets of their trade and choices, absorbent

prices, well, they get no more of my

business.

From now on, as far as my own

collection is concerned, I'll clean them myself, restore

them if necessary.

I've set myself to clean mine.

Oh, darling, I'm boring you.

I am sorry.

No, darling.

It's just, I've had such a long day.

Please forgive me.

I'm having a lovely time.

No, I've got no right going on about

my pictures like that.

I sometimes forget how young you are.

Would you care to dance?

No, thank you.

I love being with you, Lionel.

You know that.

Oh, Miss Heavy Lads, we're going home.

Clarence!

Ready?

I'd love to.

I'll call for you about eight.

Oh, Sunday, uh, we're invited to the Mulherrin's.

Janet, we're being thought of as a couple.

Perhaps, perhaps we should give them something really

to talk about.

Friday.

Eight o'clock.

Gladys, what a coincidence.

Isn't it just?

May I give you a ride?

You certainly may.

I'll not only take you home, I'll give

you one for the road at my place.

This really must be my last.

Lionel, you must learn to unbend a little.

Relax, but I'll tell you something.

Your slightly old-fashioned manners, your formality, your

courtesy, that's what makes you so irresistible.

My first wife always said it was my

money.

Oh, Lionel.

What is it?

I should have noticed that's new.

This.

Now, tell me what you think of my

new portrait.

You know the artist, of course.

No.

And you're meant to be such a great

collector.

Royden, John Royden, he's all the rage.

Oh, yes, everyone's lining up, simply lining up

to get themselves done.

He charges thousands for a commission.

I think he's a genius, don't you?

Well, that seems to be going a little

far.

Take a good look at it, Lionel.

Do you see how beautifully the dress is

painted?

Not especially.

Oh, come with me.

I want you to look at it carefully.

Well?

Certainly seems to use a lot of paint.

Oh, maybe that's why he charges so much.

Lionel, you are being superior.

I think I'll tell you a secret.

No.

This is probably the best kept secret in

London, a woman's secret.

It's known to about, let me see, about

30 or 40 women altogether and not a

single man, except him, of course, John Royden.

And now I'm going to tell you.

No secrets, please.

Thank you very much.

I've got to go home.

Well, Lionel, don't you want to hear my

secret?

Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

But first of all, promise, promise you won't

tell a soul.

I promise.

Good.

Now listen, I suppose you know John Royden

paints only women.

No.

Well, you noticed how thick the paint was

on the dress.

Can you guess why?

No.

When I went for my first city, John

asked me if I didn't think that most

clothed portraits of women were artificial and flat

as if the dress were draped over a

log of wood.

And he asked me if I knew why.

Do you know why, Lionel?

No, can't say that I do.

John said it's because the painters themselves didn't

really know what was underneath.

Well, that is an original thing.

Well, let me finish.

And he said that's why I insist on

painting my subjects, first of all, in the

nude.

And then you walked out.

Well, obviously you didn't.

Well, of course I didn't.

First you pose in the nude and then

you come back and he paints on your

underclothing.

And when that's dry, he paints on the

dress.

He builds it up, you see, layer by

layer.

Well, perhaps he once heard of Goya.

Who?

Oh, never mind.

Oh, I must confess, I rather enjoyed sitting

there in the middle of his room with

nothing on.

It was quite exciting.

Don't you want life to be exciting, Lionel?

Gladys, if you'll forgive me, what I really

want is to go home.

Wouldn't you have liked to have been a

painter?

Oh, think what fun they must have.

Of course, it's all little clinical, like I'm

dressing in front of the doctor.

But there's nothing clinical about you, Lionel.

I'd pose for you, whether you were a

painter or not.

Well, I'm not.

Oh, you disappoint me.

I'm terribly sorry.

To think of the trouble I went to.

I waited almost an hour.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

I just meant to say I've waited all

my life to meet someone like you.

Don't you find me just a little bit

attractive, Lionel?

Gladys, I think you are very beautiful.

You have style and certain character and, well,

all the qualities that I admire very much.

But really, I'm not part of your scene.

I'm very set in my ways.

Really, I don't belong in this modern world.

I try.

I've seen the right places.

I've even tried to learn to dance.

Hopeless failure.

I go to Saint-Tropez, Lion the Sun.

You know, I actually blush when I have

to address a half-naked woman.

I simply don't believe in casual relationships.

Who said anything about casual?

Oh, that's very flattering.

Oh, if only I'd met you years ago,

before I met George Ponsonby.

I should have known by his name it

couldn't last, Ponsonby.

But I thought third time lucky.

But you're very sweet, very sweet.

But I, well, at the moment, I'm, well,

more or less engaged elsewhere.

What to what?

Janet de Pelagia?

Oh, you, you know.

Of course I know.

Everybody knows.

And I also know that nothing's happened.

Well, how do you, how do you happen

to know that?

Because I heard Janet say so.

You heard Janet say that?

No, Lionel, I'm not getting into this.

Except, except she does say some rather peculiar

things about you.

What sort of peculiar things?

Oh, no.

It'd be wrong of me to tell you.

Well, what did she say?

Well, now, let me see.

Oh, of course, she was only joking.

I couldn't dream of telling you.

But I, I suppose she did say how

it was all a wee bit of a

bore.

What was?

Well, it's just that I happened to be

seated near her in the hairdresser the other

day, and someone asked her if she were

free the following evening.

And I heard her say, no, I can't.

I'm dining with Lionel Lamson.

Oh, he's lovely.

But I can't take all that art talk.

It bores me to tears.

Janet said that?

I may have misheard, but I don't think

so, because then she went on to say,

no, Lionel, I'm not going to say any

more.

Yes, you are.

I insist.

Oh, this is awful.

Oh, I, I shouldn't have had another drink.

You, you won't think badly of me, will

you?

I couldn't dare that.

I shall consider your confidence an act of

friendship.

Well, what I actually heard her say was,

such a crashing bore.

Because with Lionel, one can always tell exactly

what will happen.

I mean, right from beginning to end.

For dinner, we always go to the same

grill room.

Afterwards, always to the same nightclub.

And for two hours, I'll have to listen

to him droning away about pictures.

Always pictures.

And then he will have a cigar and

blow the smoke right in my face.

And then a taxi home.

And then at the front door, while I

fish for my key, he'll stand beside me

with a sort of silly spaniel look in

his eyes.

Why, Lionel, what's the matter, dear?

You've forgotten your coat.

You are a bitch, Gladys, dear.

Oh, thank heavens, there you are, sir.

Good morning, sir.

I was quite worried.

Your bed was unslipped in, sir.

Here's your coffee, sir.

I'll pour it.

Oh, good morning.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I would like to speak to Mr. John

Royden, please.

Just say a prospective client is calling.

Oh, I know he only paints women.

That's just the point.

Mr. Royden, sir.

Oh, show him in, please.

Please sit down, Mr. Royden.

John.

John, I have an unusual request to make

of you.

Something of a rather personal nature.

I hope I can trust you to be

discreet.

Of course.

I want you to paint a portrait of

a certain lady here in town.

I want to possess, besides a Royden for

my collection, a very fine portrait of her.

But there are complications.

For example, there are reasons why I don't

want the lady to know that it is

I who am commissioning the portrait.

Why?

Is she married?

Not yet.

It's just that I have my own reasons

for not...

I'm a painter, an artist.

I paint pictures.

All this social stuff is rather a waste

of time.

Oh, I am sorry.

I was under the impression that you are

what used to be called a society painter.

Look, I paint women.

I have a special feeling for them.

So I believe if they interest me, I'd

paint them.

I think we understand each other now.

Do you happen to know a lady by

the name of Janet de Pelagia?

I've seen her picture in the glossy magazines,

of course.

Of course, of course.

Well, we'll get to that later.

Now, I'd like the portrait full length, about

twice the size of this little Matisse here.

About 60 by 36.

And standing.

That, in my mind, is her most graceful

attitude.

Look, Mr. Lamson.

Nyman.

Of course, Nyman.

I'm a painter.

So you say.

And we painters have to make a living.

John.

John, I am willing to pay you 50

percent over and above your usual fee.

Yes, I do remember she has a remarkably

interesting face.

Oh, she does.

She does.

Now, to eliminate the final difficulty, how do

you contrive a meeting between you and the

lady in question without arousing her suspicions?

We must make it look like a coincidence.

I suggest you tell her she's the sort

of model you've been searching for for years.

Just the right face, the right figure, the

right coloured eyes.

You know, you know that sort of thing.

And then, ask her if she'd mind sitting.

Oh, free of charge, of course.

I feel sure she'd be delighted to help.

Mr. Lamson's residence.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Bellagio.

No, madam, I'm afraid he's not back yet

from Saint-Tropez.

Oh, could you hold on a moment, please,

madam?

There's someone at the front door.

Sorry about that, madam.

Well, I think I can now say that

Mr. Lamson will be back very shortly.

Oh, please be careful.

Pardon?

Yes, it has been a long time, madam,

almost three months.

Yes, I shall look forward to that, madam.

Yes, of course, madam, I tell him that

you telephone often.

Good day, madam.

Right, shall I send a cable, please?

To Lamson, Hotel Biblos, Saint-Tropez.

Yes, France.

Welcome back, sir.

Thank you, Wilkins.

Ah, excellent.

Help me...

Help me move this on to the easel.

Please.

Easy.

Yes, sir.

There have been several messages for you, sir.

Step up.

Miss de Bellagio telephoned several times.

And Mrs. Gladys Ponsonby.

She wanted to know exactly where you were.

I am sure.

I just said the south of France.

Very thankful of you, Wilkins.

Oh, Wilkins, I'll be working in here for

the next two or three days.

I want to be left absolutely alone.

I want my meals on a tray and

left out there.

Is that understood?

Clearly, sir.

And, Wilkins, that order is to take effect

immediately.

Yes, sir.

Correct.

Deceptive.

This is all embarrassing.

Janet.

Janet.

Everything all right, sir?

Oh, Wilkins.

Yes, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Absolutely, Wilkins.

Monday.

Monday.

I am giving a party, Wilkins.

Very good, sir.

Now, ladies.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I promised you a surprise.

And I promise you won't be disappointed.

Are we ready, Wilkins?

Ready, sir.

Now.

Now for the magic moment.

A little monster.

Oh, get me out of here.

Come this way.

Get me out of here.

Lionel, you are wicked.

Don't you think it would be rather cosy

if I were to stay and cheer you

up?

Wilkins, please.

It's all right.

Just do as I ask.

I forgive you, Lionel.

I just wanted you to know that I

forgave you completely for everything.

I know it was only a joke.

But, darling, you mustn't listen to the things

people say.

I love you, Lionel.

I shall always love you to my dying

day.

You are not my darling girl.

I had to tell you.

Open it.

Open it.

This little piece of ring.

What can I say?

I...

I don't know how to apologise.

Oh, darling, don't try it.

Caviar.

Thank you, Wilkins.

The important thing is, Lionel, darling, that we're

friends again.

Mmm!

Janet, this is delicious.

Just delicious.

I...

Janet!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!