Original subtitles

The possibility

that a large woman might one day swallow

a small clergyman is one that has always

appealed to me.

My mind first started wandering in this direction

one day in the zoo, while I stood

watching a huge snake swallowing a live rat.

The rat didn't wish to be swallowed, he

was against it.

But the snake had hypnotised him, so he

had no chance, and down he went.

The keeper told me it would take the

snake five days to digest the rat.

And that's when I got to wondering how

long a large woman would take to digest

a clergyman with all his clothes on if

he were not too big.

That, of course, would depend on the woman,

but I know one or two who could

have him for breakfast and still feel hungry

at the end of it.

Every man that striveth for the mastery is

temperate in all things.

I keep under my body, lest that by

any means, when I have preached to others,

I myself should be a castaway.

St Paul's first epistle to the Corinthians, chapter

9, verses 25 and 27.

Dearly beloved...

Dearly beloved, in this age of permissiveness, St

Paul is sadly out of fashion.

I could eat him, couldn't you?

Eateth!

Good day to you, good day.

Ah, Miss Elphinstone, glorious flower arrangements, as usual.

The secret is to get a grip on

the stalks, Vicar.

Quite.

Good morning to you.

Good day.

A small token, Vicar, from a spinster of

this parish.

Miss Unwin, how very kind.

Oh, no harm done.

No, quite.

They're meant to grow on the floor, aren't

they?

Good day to you now.

Steady, steady, boys, steady.

Vicar, may I introduce my niece, Mrs Roach.

Julia.

How do you do?

Challenging sermon, Vicar.

Julia's staying with us for a few weeks.

Her husband's in the States, on business.

Well, that's his storey, anyway.

Oh, quite.

Don't forget my tennis party on Saturday.

I'm counting on you for the mixed doubles.

Well, I'm rather a rabbit, I'm afraid, Lady

Birdwell.

Oh, but I adore rabbits.

I've bagged you already.

Oh, well, with Julia as your partner, you're

bound to win.

Count me like that.

Shall I lock up, Vicar?

Oh, no, I'll lock up.

You forgot last week.

Yes.

Yes, well, that was because...

How's your rash, Vicar?

Oh, it, um, it comes and goes.

I'm glad of that.

Giant urticaria, they call it.

Nerves.

He got over it once he was caught

in regular.

Good day.

You too.

Lord Jesus, think on me And purge away

my sins From earthborn passions set me free

And make me pure within Georgie!

Lord Jesus, think on Georgie Porgie pudding and

pie Georgie!

Georgie Porgie!

Yes, Mummy?

Don't call him Georgie Porgie, dear.

You give the boy a complex.

Basically, Georgie Porgie, your father is a timorous

man.

Like all socialists.

Taste my sherry.

It's very dry.

Claire!

It's called manzanilla.

He's too young for alcohol.

He doesn't need that kind of stimulus.

Don't be frightened, Georgie.

Drink it.

A child must experience everything, Boris.

Everything without shame.

You've ruined my skirt.

You stupid child.

I'm sorry.

You're just like your father.

Hopeless.

Because it's Sunday, Georgie, I'm going to tell

you about Mohammed.

Claire, we'll be late for the Harbinger Humanists.

Humanism can wait, Boris.

Our pudding and pie needs to know about

every religion so he has a choice when

he grows up.

But Georgie, if you must have a religion,

and I'm not saying that you must, then

I suppose Mohammedism is as good as any.

It's all based on keeping healthy.

You can have lots of wives, but you

mustn't ever smoke.

Why not, Mummy?

Because if you have lots of wives, you

have to be virile, Georgie.

What's virile?

Being full of bounce in bed, like this.

I do that by myself sometimes.

Well, when you're married, you'll bounce.

Bounce, Georgie.

Bounce.

There.

Please.

Oh, I think your father's jealous.

Oh, what a pet you are.

Mm, scrumptious Mummy.

Another thing about Mohammed is that...

Oh, we'll do it on the rug.

Claire, we're late!

Come on, pudding, over here.

We're supposed to be facing east.

Claire!

Oh, don't nag, Boris.

Mohammed never gets constipated.

Stick to the facts, Claire.

You ought to be doing this, not us.

If only you bent over and touched the

ground with your forehead.

Come on, Georgie.

They do it morning, noon and night.

Facing Mecca.

And that's why they never get constipated.

Unlike your father.

Might I have a

storey?

Just once.

As it's my birthday.

Darling, you know perfectly well I don't tell

storeys.

I don't believe in storeys.

Just for once.

Dearest pudding, the world is much too wonderful

to bother with storeys.

Let's look at your new book together, shall

we?

Well?

It tells how Daddy and I made you.

I know.

Oh?

There's been whispering at school, has there?

Dirty little sniggers in course.

No.

Well, this book makes it all clear and

above board, pudding.

There.

Ah!

Rats!

He's got rats!

They're hamsters!

He confiscated them from the choir boys.

I didn't want my garden doing.

God preserved me from the spinsters of this

parish.

Vicar, doesn't it look better?

So much bigger with the grass cut.

Oh, Deborah, it's so hot.

Hey!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right.

Quite refreshing, just what I needed.

Nothing like a cold shower, vicar.

Tea time, girls.

MUSIC Where

is he?

I hope you don't mind.

I borrowed your bib.

It's tea time.

Won't you join us?

Oh, I know you bachelors.

You never eat a thing.

Georgie Porgie.

Wake up, Georgie Porgie.

Wake up.

Josephine has just started having her babies.

It's a perfect opportunity.

You can watch the whole process.

I don't want to.

Don't argue, pudding.

Come on.

Stop it, Napoleon.

Josephine's busy.

It's all because of you.

Silly girl.

She's trying to hide the baby from us.

Go around the other side, Georgie.

You can see better.

See how she's washing the baby?

Now, just imagine, my pet, that the baby

is you and Josephine is me.

Isn't it funny to think I used to

do almost exactly the same thing to you

once?

Oh, look.

She's fondling it and kissing it all over.

There.

She's really kissing it now, isn't she?

Exactly like you and me.

She's eating it.

Mummy, she's eating it.

My darling.

No!

Georgie!

Georgie!

Darling!

Georgie!

Do have one, George.

May I call you George?

Mmm.

Delicious, Edith.

I think not, thank you.

Why do you keep hamsters, George?

They scare poor Miss Anwen stiff.

One of the choir boys.

Are they male or female?

Predominantly female, I think.

Mmm.

You really should have one, George.

You look sort of hungry.

Excuse me.

Where's he gone now?

Call of nature, I suppose.

It's not my fault.

You know, someone should really take him in

hand.

You're old Meccano, eh?

Yes, I had to soak it in oil

to loosen the nuts.

These are the ladies?

That's right.

This is Miss Elphinstone.

The plump one is Miss Anwen.

And the rather sleek one is Julia Roach.

Well, at least that's how I like to

think of them.

They ain't had no Osher father for a

week, right?

No, indeed.

And what do you call that big bloke

at the other end?

George.

Male.

That's sort of me.

Oh, is he?

Now, the big question is, will the females

go for the male or for the nuts

and raisins?

Why do you want to know, Vicar?

It was just an experiment, Mr Pollard.

I'll lay you they go for the food.

Grub first, then nookie, eh?

Well, I can see that you're a sporting

man, Mr Pollard.

Right.

Well, let them go, shall we?

On your remarks, ladies.

Well, blow me.

For you, Vicar, you were right.

Dare I suggest that you donate it to

the Fabric Fund, Mr Pollard?

Right.

My pleasure.

I'll do that right away.

Well, George, our reward is that we have

found that the females really are more lascivious

than the male.

When it was your turn, you went for

the nuts and raisins.

I know where I stand now.

Thank you, George.

Point proved.

My advantage, I think.

Mmm!

If I had meant well Meant well If

I had meant well God will re...

Julia.

Yes?

The figure's been sitting.

If you dare take a sip of our

fruit cup.

It's scrumptious!

Uh, no, I...

Lemonade, I think.

Oh, George, this is so much better for

you than fizzy lemonade.

Carbon dioxide attacks the lining of the stomach.

Didn't you know?

Really?

Don't be frightened, George.

Drink it.

Don't be frightened, Georgie.

Drink it.

Not too sticky for you, Vicar.

I don't eat the mint.

Or the cucumber.

That's hysterical.

There's something amusing.

Mens sana Incorporae Soros Are you all right,

George?

Yes, perfect.

I...

I may sing a song.

He's feeling happy.

Tremendous nectar.

George.

Hmm?

Why don't you and I take a little

walk outside and see the lupins clear our

heads?

Fine.

Lovely.

I'm sure Julia can help him.

If anyone can.

We can cool off in the boathouse.

I am cool.

As a cucumber.

A little touch on the tiller, George, just

to keep us on course.

You're a very understanding woman, Julia.

Relax, George.

It's so nice here.

Relax.

It's not a fantasy.

I'd quite like to touch your ear.

Oh?

Do you?

Hmm.

Why don't you kiss me, George?

Kiss me, George.

Don't be a rabbit.

She's eating it.

Mummy, she's eating it.

My darling.

No!

No!

No!

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to eat me, aren't you?

Eat me.

Eat me.

Eat me.

Mummy.

Mummy.

No.

Go away.

Go away!

Mummy!

Darling!

You're swallowing me.

Mummy, you're swallowing me.

Georgie!

Morning, George.

Where are we today?

Primary section of the duodenal loop just above

her right kidney.

I believe we can escape.

Well, I don't want to escape.

My dear vicar.

Why ever not?

Because they're chasing me.

Who?

Motelly.

Nobody's chasing you.

Oh, yes, they are, and I...

I bet they're chasing you as well.

Are you too scared to admit it?

No.

Well, then why do you keep coming down

here then?

I bet you were with Julia as well

and got yourself swallowed up just like I

did and you're ashamed about it.

I'm not.

Anyway, it's nice and comfortable down here.

It's warm and safe and soft.

Listen, you won't tell her where I'm hiding,

will you?

Tell who, George?

Mummy.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls

and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play, Georgie

Porgie ran away.

The End