Original subtitles

I

am told that in the United States women

own about 80% of all the wealth

of the country.

Most of them, I suppose, have managed to

bump their husbands off in one splendid way

or another, and good luck to them.

But what do they do with all that

money, these women?

What they do not do is to remarry

penniless young men.

They're too smart for that.

And yet very rich men, who for some

reason are all incredibly lecherous, are forever marrying

penniless beautiful young ladies.

These husbands don't live very long.

But here is a storey about a rich

woman who did the opposite, and married a

man without money.

And look what happened to them.

I have an idea, Arthur.

What?

I'm listening to Beethoven.

Wrong, you're listening to me.

Turn it off.

Would you like a drink, Arthur?

Thank you, no.

Would you like to hear what my idea

is?

Well, I guess I'm going to, whether I

want to or not.

Don't get smart with me.

I want you well disposed to what I've

got to say.

Have a drink, Arthur.

I don't want one.

Have a drink!

All right, I'll have one.

Now, what's the matter with you lately?

You're so argumentative.

Me?

There was a time when you seemed genuinely

grateful for everything I've done for you.

Well, I am, honey.

I am.

Not many guys could sit around listening to

Beethoven in the middle of the afternoon.

I know that, dear, and I'm grateful.

I think you've come to despise me and

my money.

Now, sweetheart, that's not true.

I mean, I never for a moment thought

that I was going to get...

You know, I could just as soon stop

your allowance and suggest maybe that you go

to work.

Do you think that would teach you to

appreciate me?

Look, I don't have to be taught how

to appreciate you, dearest.

Look, I don't have to prove everything.

I mean, who, for instance, brings you up

your morning coffee on the maid's day?

Now, if that's not appreciation, I don't know

what is.

Showing interest in everything I've got to say,

that's appreciation.

What brought this mood on, dearest?

Boredom.

Boredom?

I'm bored, Arthur.

You're bored?

Bored.

Bored?

Bored.

Well, don't be, dear.

We've got people coming for the weekend.

And that bores me.

Well, then why did you ask them?

You know perfectly well why I asked them,

for bridge, and that's all.

Well, there you go.

They're not going to be bored playing bridge.

No, I'll grant you that.

They do play a first-class game of

bridge.

And for decent stakes, too.

But in every other department, I don't think

I've ever met...

No, I don't know.

The only time, the only time I ever

met them, they seemed quite nice.

So does the butcher.

He is very nice.

Oh, shut up, Arthur.

You know the sort of people they are

just as well as I do.

A couple of crummy, vulgar social climbers who

think they can get in any place just

because they play a decent game of bridge.

Well, if that's what you thought, you never

should have invited them.

I invited them because I'm sick and tired

of playing bridge with cabbages.

But on reflexion, Arthur, on reflexion, I don't

like the idea of those tacky people in

my house.

Well, it's too late to cancel it.

I mean, they've probably left their house by

now.

Exactly.

I don't understand.

Well, they're coming whether I like it or

not, right?

Do you want to have some fun, Arthur?

What, playing bridge?

No, no, no, no, Arthur, dear.

Not playing bridge.

After playing bridge.

That's what my idea is all about.

Oh, your idea.

I see.

No, you don't.

But try and guess.

Guess what?

What my idea is.

The kind of fun I have in mind

after we played bridge.

It's not charades.

Nope.

Wine tasting?

No, Arthur, it's not wine tasting.

Well, I give up.

Oh, come on, Arthur, use your imagination.

Think about the Snapes and then maybe you'll

get it.

Who are the Snapes?

For God's sakes, Arthur, will you wake up?

The Snapes are weekend guests, Henry and Sally

Snapes.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Now think about the Snapes.

The kind of people they are.

I can't think of anything.

How about the way they behave?

Well, he's always seemed like a pretty good

humoured kind of guy.

She seems devoted to him.

Arthur, she acts like a lovesick sparrow.

And he acts like a travelling salesman.

He is a travelling salesman.

Okay, there you are.

They never stop looking at each other.

And they've been married for seven years.

Blowing secret kisses and batting eyelids and his

jokes.

He can't even tell a clean one without

making it sound dirty.

Well, I thought that was a very funny

storey.

The one about the two women wrestlers and

all the mud.

Yeah, you would.

Well, you laughed too, didn't you?

Well, I was only trying to be polite.

But I'm really going to laugh tonight, Arthur.

After we played bridge.

Well, go on.

I'm listening.

Oh, Arthur, my boy, that's good.

That's very good.

Because that's precisely what we're going to do.

What?

Listen.

Listen?

You see, Arthur, what I've always wanted to

know is what people do when they're alone

together.

Oh, wait a minute, Pamela.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Let's have some real fun for a change.

Am I thinking what you're thinking?

Well, it depends on what you're thinking.

Tell me.

Oh, you tell me first.

All we have to do is put one

of your microphones in the guest room.

That's what I thought you were thinking.

Good.

And it's absolutely out of the question.

Can't do it.

Why not?

It's the nastiest trick I ever heard of.

Well, of course it is.

It's like listening at keyholes.

It's like opening people's mail.

That's right.

But on our own home, it's worse.

Listening to what our guests have to say

in the privacy of their bedroom.

It's indecent.

Well, that's the whole point.

Look, I don't want to know what our

guests have to say when they're in bed.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much...

Look, are you serious?

Of course I'm serious.

Well, Pamela, I forbid you to do it.

Well.

My second husband said that to me once,

and he's in Louisville, Kentucky, selling insurance door

to door.

Look, Pamela, I got to tell you, I...

I can't go along with this.

Well, I don't see why not.

Why not?

Because I've never done anything like it before

in my life.

It's not right, Pamela.

It's just about as right as when you

found those letters of Mary Probers in her

purse and read every single one of them

from beginning to end.

Well, maybe we never should have done that.

We?

Well, you read them afterwards, didn't you?

Okay, and it didn't harm anybody, did it?

You said so yourself at the time.

And this kind of thing is no worse

than that.

Well, how would you like it if somebody

did the same thing to you?

How could I mind, Arthur, if I didn't

know they were doing it?

No!

No!

I'm not going to have anything more to

do with it!

Come on, Arthur.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much fun this will

be?

And you're so good with your hands.

You'll have a ball.

All those wires and speakers and...

I'm not going to accept it, Pamela!

That's a nasty idea.

That's a really nasty idea.

Of course, it's nasty.

I'm a nasty person.

And so are you.

That's why we get along so well together.

I'm not that nasty.

Well, yes, you are.

And if you're not, maybe we don't have

as much in common as I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, what's a nice person like

you doing associating with a nasty person like

me?

I didn't mean that!

What did you mean, Arthur?

I want to think it over!

Maybe the great electronics engineer doesn't know how

to connect a mic to a speaker.

That's the easiest part of it.

Well, go and do it, then.

I want to have time to think about

it.

There isn't time to think about it, Arthur.

They'll be here in less than an hour.

Can't you see how much fun we'll be?

I don't want to rush into it!

If you do what I ask, Arthur, I'll,

um, put on that apron you bought for

me in Hamburg.

Oh, my God.

And the Wellington boots.

Mama, don't.

Don't.

And...

I'll tell you where I hid the feather

duster.

Where?

Where?

Okay, honey, switch it on.

Right.

What the hell is he doing?

Arthur, what the hell are you doing?

I'm bouncing up and down.

Oh, okay.

Can you hear me?

I'm speaking in an ordinary conversational voice.

Now I'll whisper.

Remember what you promised, Pamela.

I'm only doing it because of what you

promised.

Perfect, Arthur.

You're a genius.

Good.

I've got a couple more things to fix

up here.

Okay.

The bell.

Pamela's at the bell.

It's them.

Don't let Millie show them up.

I'll get caught.

Hurry up.

All right, I'm going.

Millie.

Millie.

Millie.

Don't answer the door, Millie.

I'll get it.

Hello, Sally.

How lovely to see you.

Hello, Henry.

How you doing?

God, I can't tell you how much I'm

looking forward to this weekend.

Oh, nice one.

Did you have a nice trip up?

Yeah, very good.

Was there much traffic?

No, no, clear all the way.

Oh, good.

Hey, what a beautiful place you've got here.

Oh, thank you.

We love it.

Well, what are we standing here for?

Come on in.

Pamela, would you mind if I went straight

to my room and changed?

Why don't we have a quick drink first,

and then I'll show you the garden.

Well, it's just that we stopped for coffee

on the way, and an awfully clumsy waiter.

Oh, my God.

I bet that I have fun trying to

clean it up, huh?

Henry, come on.

Would you mind, Pamela?

Yeah, you know, it's the oddest thing.

I spilled tomato ketchup down one of Arthur's

shirts once.

A white shirt.

Ketchup.

Can you imagine that?

We were in a restaurant at the time,

and Arthur leaned over, you know, to get

the waiter to get a cloth to clean

it up, and the woman at the next

table screamed.

She thought I'd stabbed Arthur.

No, I'm not kidding.

She was hysterical.

So, Arthur went over to explain, and that

only made matters worse.

And I didn't know what to do, so

I started to shout, Arthur, Arthur, and he

didn't take any notice.

And so, I went over to the table,

and shouting, still shouting, Arthur, Arthur.

And by that time, poor darling Arthur is

patting this woman's hand and soothing her and

saying, everything's going to be all right.

But she's crying, and I'm still shouting, Arthur.

There you are.

Our guests are here.

Yeah, hello, Henry.

Hello, Arthur.

Sally.

Hi, Arthur.

How are you?

Arthur, Sally would like to go straight to

her room to freshen up.

Would you mind?

Not at all.

Okay.

I'll take the bag, Henry.

Yeah.

Just take hers.

Okay.

Sally, you go with Arthur.

Henry, you come with me.

Oh, I'd like that.

We'll have that quick drink.

I'd like that very much.

Good.

Dinner's at 7.30 around here, if that's

all right with you.

Sure.

And then after dinner, we'll play bridge.

What else?

I can't guarantee I'll play for very long

tonight.

I'm so tired.

I had an exhausting day.

I bid one heart.

Two spades.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Not too much here, I'm afraid.

There you go.

No more drinks, Arthur.

Well, not for me.

Okay, the rest are mine.

I'm afraid all those diamonds aren't good.

You're going to lose two at the end.

God damn it, you're too good.

Not really.

You know, I don't know what's the matter

with me tonight, but I'm absolutely bushed.

Sally, Henry, do you mind if we add

up?

Don't you want to finish the rubber?

Well, what the hell, we've got the rest

of the weekend ahead of us.

I'm sorry, I can't stop yawning.

There you go, Henry.

Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, forgive me.

Sally?

Well, you two play like a couple of

demons.

How'd you get to be so good?

Oh, just practise.

Practise, practise, practise.

As the actor said to the bishop.

Now, do you ever plan any championships?

No, not yet, but Henry wants for us

to do that very much.

It's just terribly hard work to reach that

standard.

Very hard work.

That's what the bishop said to the actress.

Oh, come on, Henry, you have a one

track mind.

Hey, doesn't everybody?

We owe you 250 bucks.

Well, I guess it could have been worse,

the way we were playing.

You were just unlucky.

I mean, after all, we play almost every

night.

Don't we just?

Well, I don't think that luck had anything

to do with it.

We just made an awful lot of mistakes.

So did we.

Oh, just one?

Oh, when Sally went to sixth page.

She thought you had more in your hand

than you did.

Yeah, that's one.

Well, other than that, I thought you played

extremely well.

Oh, for God's sakes, Arthur.

Let's not go over and over the hands.

I can't stand postmortems.

No, it was my fault entirely.

I told you it was the country air.

I just can't wait to get to bed.

Oh, lucky Arthur.

I'm tired, Henry.

Ah, unlucky Arthur.

I just couldn't concentrate on the cards at

all tonight.

Well, there's always tomorrow, Pamela.

That's the spirit.

Look at me.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Well, I'm just wide awake, and if Pamela

wouldn't mind, we could play three-handed.

I mean, after all, it's just past eleven.

Well, I'm a little, uh, I'm a little

wishy-washy.

Hey, I think we better go up, too,

Sal.

I'm just wide awake.

I think our hosts are wanting to retire,

sweetheart.

Oh, well, now look, I don't want to...

I think I'll just watch the late show

on TV.

Uh, television doesn't work.

It, uh, repairman was supposed to come around

this afternoon to fix it, and he didn't

come around to fix it.

Only other set is in our bedroom.

Well, we don't mind crowding in there, huh?

Well, I think I'll just sit over here

and read for a while till I get

tired.

I put some, um, I put some books

in your room.

Hey, looks like the biz against you, Sal.

I guess.

Don't worry about getting up in the morning.

We're late risers.

We've got a lovely view from the room.

It goes right out across the valley.

Sun comes in about 10 o'clock in

the morning.

Oh.

It's absolutely breathtaking.

Well, here we go.

Teddy Buzz.

Good night, Henry.

Good night, Sally.

Good night.

Good night.

Sleep well.

Oh, you bet.

They're very quiet, aren't they?

I can't help feeling we oughtn't to be

doing this.

Neither.

So.

Shh.

So what?

So what?

So what?

So everything.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it means, Sal.

We don't, Henry.

You didn't want to come to bed tonight,

did you, Sal?

Oh, here we go.

No, I didn't.

We know why, don't we?

No, we don't, Henry.

I know why I didn't want to come

to bed, Henry, but I don't know about

you.

Oh, I know.

I know perfectly well.

You didn't want to come to bed because

you're frightened of being punished.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Well, that's understandable, isn't it?

I mean, I don't like being punished.

Yes, but you're going to be punished, aren't

you, Sal?

Not now, Henry.

Please, I'm so tired.

Look, she said they were late risers.

We can get up early in the morning

and do it.

They won't hear us.

We'll do it now.

Atta boy, Henry.

You're going to be punished, Sal.

You're going to do it over and over

and over again until you get it right.

That will be up all night?

What's that?

I think she's crying.

Cut the crap, Sal.

You don't get around me by crying.

I can't do it again, Henry.

I'm so tired.

It'll be better in the morning.

I promise I'll be fresher in the morning.

Now.

I said now.

Jesus, he'll dislice the money.

You goddamn idiot.

This whole house evening wasted 250 bucks.

What's this?

It won't happen again.

Right, it's not going to happen again, and

I'm not taking any chances.

We're going to practise right now.

Oh, no, Henry, please.

I can't stand anymore.

I'm so tired.

Look, all the way out here to take

money off this rich bitch, and what do

you do?

You go and blow it.

Wait a minute.

I said I made a mistake.

I got mixed up.

It won't happen again.

Sit down.

I'm going to call her, and you're going

to answer.

Oh, no, Henry, please.

Not all 500.

It'll take hours.

All right, we'll leave out the finger positions.

You do know the finger positions, don't you?

Yes.

All right, we'll just do the basic bit

showing high cards.

Oh, no, Henry, I don't want to do

anything.

Look, Sal, we've got to get it perfect.

We've got a game every day next week.

Now, you know that.

Besides, we've got to eat.

All right, I'm going to start at the

beginning.

A club.

King, queen of spades.

Ace, king, queen of diamonds.

Ace, king, queen, jack of hearts.

King of clubs.

How many cards to each suit?

Come on, watch my hands.

You said we couldn't miss those.

You're absolutely sure you know them.

I know them, I promise.

All right.

A club.

King, queen, jack of spades.

Ace and queen of diamonds.

Ace, king, queen, jack of hearts.

Queen of clubs.

I'll call one club.

Ace, queen, king, jack, ace of spades.

Ace, king, queen, jack of hearts.

Ace and queen of diamonds.

King of clubs.

You know what it is?

It's a bidding code.

They can signal every card they've got in

their hand.

Ace, king, queen, jack of hearts.

It couldn't be.

I'll say one club.

It's like a mind reader.

One man goes into the audience and he

borrows something from you.

There's a girl blindfolded on stage, and from

the way he phrases his question, she can

tell him exactly what it is.

Ace, queen, king of hearts.

It's impossible.

Ace of clubs.

Hard work to listen to them.

Ace, king, queen, jack of spades.

Ace, queen, jack of diamonds.

Jack of hearts.

Ace, queen, king, jack of clubs.

One heart, sweetheart.

Ace, king, queen, jack of spades.

Ace, king, queen, jack of diamonds.

Ace, queen, jack of hearts.

Queen of clubs.

See, he can tell her how many cards

he's got in each suit just by the

position of his fingers.

But how?

I don't know.

But you heard him telling her.

Ace of hearts.

Ace, ten, queen, jack of clubs.

I have all the rotten, crooked, immoral, unprincipled

son of a...

What a marvellous idea.

What is?

The bidding code.

Arthur, do you think we could learn to

do it?

What?

The bidding code.

Of course we could.

Why not?

Come on.

Jack, queen, king of clubs.

Pamela!

No code, no apron.

Pamela!

And no wellington boots.

You promised!

No feather duster.

Sit down.

Hold this.

I haven't got a pencil.

Now look, we'll have to work out our

own finger positions.

Promises, promises.

Of clubs.

One spade.

Ace, ten, jack, queen of spades.

Ace, ten, jack, queen, king of diamonds.

Ace and king of hearts.

Club.

One spade.

Club.

One

spade.

Club.

One spade.

One spade.

Club.

Club.

Club.

Club.

Club.

Club.

Club.