Original subtitles

In the bad old days, when India was

full of millionaire Maharajas, these fellows used to

bump off their wives with astonishing frequency.

Oddly, they all used the same method, and

very royal and Maharaja-ish it was.

Not for them, a coarse bash on the

head, or a bloody running through with a

sword, or a slashing of the throat.

They used tiger's whiskers.

A Maharaja, intent upon disposing of his wife,

would first go out and shoot a tiger.

He would then cut off its whiskers.

These whiskers, which were as sharp and spiky

as slivers of glass, would be chopped up

into small pieces and sprinkled on the Maharani's

curry at dinner.

When eaten, they would perforate the lining of

her intestine and kill her off within two

days.

In other countries, tiger's whiskers are rather hard

to come by, so we husbands have to

use other, less refined methods, as you will

see in a moment.

Good night, Mr. Badge.

Good night, Mavis.

Good

night.

Good

night.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. Boyle.

Good night, Frances.

Isn't it time you settled your account?

I came prepared.

When this started, you heard a sob storey

about helping some young drug addict, read tape

about over-prescribing.

That young addict doesn't seem to be responding

to your treatment.

I'll tell you the truth, John.

We doctors are sorely tempted, you, only to

look at our suicide rate.

I got hooked on the stuff myself.

That's what I thought, all along.

I take risks, do you?

And I pay for them.

It's been simple to oblige you so far,

but one day someone's going to count the

tablets they get in a bottle.

Most of the people on these are too

confused, disturbed to count.

And I suppose my little contribution helps with

your...

With my?

Inflation must have made adultery impossibly expensive.

How's your wife?

11 stone and 12 pounds.

I know exactly because the Slimming Clinic gives

her a little card.

She has a weight loss target.

Now, she's always going up instead of down.

She hides it.

But I know where.

And George simply won't know.

Well, suppose George finds out?

If he finds out, I'll be glad.

Yes, glad.

And Phyllis?

What about Phyllis?

Phyllis will be so busy thinking about herself,

she won't have to...

No, no, no, no, no.

Derek, dear boy, you're giving me absolutely nothing.

You should talk to any doctor.

No, no, no, no.

but it must be done.

Phyllis.

Phyllis.

let's try to be sensible about all this.

we have to think of the children.

how's the pig?

shh!

women are awful.

you're awful.

men have some kind of loyalty but women...

Mary was your best friend and you call

her the pig.

it's good for us.

she still thinks I am her best friend.

what do you call her in your mind?

a fat pig.

a fat fat fat pig.

when they weigh her they must need a

crane strapped round her belly like when they

weigh sows.

could we have a little quiet up there

please?

where have they gone?

they're still on act one.

it's obvious by the shape of it that

it is a whistle.

in fact if I put the mouth of

the blower your ear will blow.

and it has a slide up and down

like this so one would presume that the

whistle would vary when you did that but

it doesn't because the whistle part of it

finishes there and then on the side of

it it has a funny little progra here

which when you push it down the point

comes to the bottom end.

I can't wait John.

not any longer.

the old sow's stuffing herself now.

she'll eat us after death.

her heart won't take it.

I can't wait for her heart.

what about my heart?

I love you Frances.

if you loved me you'd get a divorce.

I have an idea.

supposing you told her I was stepping out

of line.

perhaps with one of the girls in the

show.

and sound her out half like a joke

say would you ever divorce him?

act two please.

act two.

come on John.

all right Damien.

we're coming.

never.

but suppose it's probably not serious just a

last fling but suppose he just walked out

on you ran off with her.

who is she?

oh I've no idea.

it's just gossip.

he's been seen with someone.

he wouldn't leave me.

John couldn't.

he isn't the type.

but if he did he'd be sorry.

I can tell you that.

you must have seen enough divorce cases go

through your office.

I'd see that he paid.

I'd get every last penny the court would

give me.

by the time I'd finished with him him

and his little tramp whoever she is I'd

be sorry they started.

I've asked you not to use my razor

for that.

it clogs the head.

buy me one of my own then.

you sell them.

bring me another eye sugar.

yes.

don't look at me like that.

these are non-flattening.

low-calorie glucose.

you compulsive eaters are worse than alcoholics.

you owe us an excuse.

I'm not a compulsive eater.

I've got a problem with my metabolism.

oh how was the rehearsal?

pretty good.

he blocked out half act two.

who were the girls in the company?

apart from Frances uh that blonde from the

Gasport.

she was in Rookery Nook.

and the brunette who was in French Without

Tears.

oh and there's a mousy little thing.

well she's just a walk-on.

she works in the public library.

there's a mousy little thing I'd wonder about.

what?

if you were strange John the one you'd

run down was the one I'd suspect.

John do you love me?

of course I do.

I never say so.

well after ten years it gets forgotten.

do you know what I'd really love you

for?

what?

if you had me my lines before we

went to sleep.

act two.

it's a devil to learn.

what's between us is real.

you can't say it isn't.

I never said it wasn't real.

I said it was dangerous.

dangerous for whom?

dangerous for you.

for you.

not a very good play is it?

these things are best discussed over a good

dinner.

oh I agree.

preferably on a banquette with a very good

wine.

Soho.

or we could go slumming at the Ritz.

jolly good.

absolutely splendid.

now can we have Derek and Annie please.

act two scene one.

well in that case divorce is out.

I've still a bank loan for redoing the

shop.

I'd go bust love.

have you thought that you and I are

uniquely qualified for one way out?

I work for a solicitor so I knew

the law.

you're a pharmacist so you know.

know what?

all about sickness and death.

thanks.

I found a harmless little pill that looks

exactly like those so I slip half a

dozen into each prescription.

and I've not had one complaint.

for some conditions you can prescribe pills made

of chalk and sugar and 40% of

your patients say it makes them feel better.

how's your practise?

could be brisker.

not full up then?

wish I was.

I'm worried about Mary.

the hospital's told her if she doesn't lose

weight she'll kick the bucket.

strain on the heart.

I got her to go to a slimming

clinic.

now she's packed it in.

our doctor's Gregson.

oh Gregson.

he can't make her listen.

he doesn't seem to care.

I was wondering if we might transfer to

you as our dear old family doctor counsellor

and friend.

of course.

you'll have to tell Gregson.

Mary doesn't seem to respond to him.

I put it frankly a change of doctor

might bring a change of heart.

all you have to do is fill in

page three of your medical card.

isn't there some affinity between compulsive eaters and

other addicts?

you might understand her.

identify.

help her more than a teetotal square like

Gregson.

do you want some favour of me John?

I might.

what can I get him Dr. Applegate?

you're sure he's caught?

line and sinker and hard line.

I could get him struck off the register.

we'll have to wait just a bit longer.

a medical practitioner may not issue a certificate

unless he's been in attendance upon the deceased

during his or her last illness.

I looked it up today.

time that came down.

what'll be the next?

hay fever or gaslight.

gaslight would be best for you.

I may not be here John.

what?

I can't take this any longer.

being the other woman.

I've got an open date return.

I loathe my sister.

I loathe her husband.

Philadelphia's packed with the lawyers.

I might stay on and look for a

job.

English secretaries are a status symbol there.

I could double my money.

perhaps find someone.

I've had it John.

all this hole-in-corner stuff.

I've had it.

my flight's at 1250 so I have to

be up at the crack.

I called in on Mary to say goodbye.

the Bates were there.

I gave a very good impression of Mary's

oldest friend.

I thought it might help.

help with what?

help with what you've got to do John.

if you want me I kill pigs every

day by the thousand.

haven't you got the nerve to get rid

of just one?

I've thought of everything.

drive the car in the river.

get out myself.

it has to be something that doesn't need

an inquest.

something that dr.

Applegate can certify as natural causes.

there is one way.

at last.

how?

it's better you don't know.

send me a telegram.

regret, inform you.

I'll be back.

but not unless...

I'll do it Frances.

I promise.

I love you.

oh I love you.

but only if...

I

love you.

gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot gunshot don't be a

darn fool Tanner.

get down here or I'll blast you down.

I'm warning you.

get down.

drop that gun Tanner.

I'm telling you.

drop it.

we've run out of barley sugars.

I knew you'd moan so I brought you

these.

must be a thousand calories in those.

what about the marron glacé?

Bates brought them.

Frances came round to say goodbye.

some people come, eat you out of house

and home, never bring a thing.

at least the Bateses always bring something.

even if it's only flowers from the garden.

oh and dr.

Applegate called.

I wonder why.

most of them won't visit nowadays unless you're

on your last legs.

the money perhaps.

I think they get more for a home

visit.

why did you change from Dr. Gregson to

Dr. Applegate?

oh I didn't think Gregson was helping you

with your problem.

I don't have a problem.

I've got a metabolic condition.

Dr. Applegate gave me a long lecture.

he's very sympathetic.

I rather like Dr. Applegate actually.

ahem no.

I think I'll save the chocolates till tomorrow.

you want some supper?

good night mr.

Burge.

good night Mavis.

good night.

good night.

oh hello Johnny.

what are you doing?

I've got...

I think I've got a stomach.

didn't bring me my barley sugar did you?

I'm so sorry.

there's something wrong with deliveries.

we're still out of stock.

good I'm glad.

I've got to go.

it was Dr. Applegate helped me to see.

see what?

this eating.

it's all a matter of will.

oh I know there's the metabolic what did

he call it?

the metabolic idiosyncrasy too but in the end

it all comes down to will.

to wanting to be slim.

I've never been a religious person but now

I know what they mean by conversion.

I've been converted Johnny.

I've seen the light.

I'm going back to the clinic.

they've set me a target.

yes I'm gonna lose three pounds every week.

I'm going to do it.

not just for me but for you.

that's the important thing.

I've thrown away all that muck.

all the biscuits and marron glacé and cakes.

so that box of chocolates I brought you

was a waste of money?

it's not a waste.

I gave it to Frances.

Frances?

but she's gone.

there was a strike at London Airport.

her flight's been delayed till this afternoon.

so I gave her the chocks to take

on the trip.

I bet she's guzzling those soft centres now

over the Atlantic and I don't feel a

trace of envy not a trace.

we're going to make you a wonderful supper

we're going to have carrot and lettuce and

cottage cheese.

I'll be as thin as a rake Johnny

and you'll love me.

you'll tell me you love me you

you you