Original subtitles

All my

life, I have made it an absolute rule

never to pass a hitchhiker at any time

of day or night without giving him or

her a lift.

Then, on a pouring wet evening in September,

just outside Oxford, I picked up two unhappy

looking young men who were soaked to the

skin.

Both had hair down to their shoulders and

bushy beards.

One of them said, as they climbed into

the back, What a relief, thank you so

much.

Suddenly, I felt the point of a knife

pressing into my neck.

Hey, I said, steady on.

Get out, the knife man said, and hurry.

I got out.

They drove off and left me standing in

the rain.

Since then, I have never given a lift

to any man with long hair or with

a bushy beard.

The hitchhiker in this storey has neither.

Paul Duveen had lived in Britain for 15

years.

He was a writer, a successful writer.

He liked living in Cambridge.

And he loved driving real automobiles.

You wouldn't be going to London by any

chance, would you, sir?

Sure, I would hop in.

Thank you, sir.

Very kind.

That's okay.

You're a decent man.

Well said.

Some fine-looking...

Motor car.

Uh-huh.

Brand new.

Yeah, pretty much.

You'd be like a 10-year-old kid

with a new toy, you know.

Smells like a thoroughbred.

What part of London are you headed for?

Well, I'll be going out through London, out

the other side.

Absinthe.

Uh-huh.

The races, you know.

Derby day, mister.

Oh, the derby!

Oh, I wish I was going with you.

Love to go to bet on the horses.

Oh, I never go betting on horses.

I wouldn't even want to watch them run,

sir.

Well, why are you going to the derby?

Uh...

Oh, you work at one of the betting

machines, do you?

Betting machines?

Oh, no, that's worse again.

No fun there.

Oh, I guess so.

I asked the wrong question.

Oh, you can ask any question you like.

In your own domain.

Bet you don't have to reply, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you one of those buskers, you know,

entertain the crowds?

Soft-shoe shuffle, stuff like that, huh?

Can you imagine me running around with a

mouth organ?

Or banging my knees with a spoon?

Well, frankly, I can, yeah.

Excuse me, mister.

Would you mind letting me out here?

What?

Would you just draw in here, please?

What are you talking about?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Come on, I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

Look, I couldn't be bothered riding along with

a fellow that thinks so little of me.

Oh, now, come on.

Huh?

Well, I don't think little of you.

Oh.

I said I was sorry.

Yeah.

Well, look, I really am sorry.

Now, listen, it's none of my business.

I won't ask any more questions, okay?

Really, I remember when I used to hitchhike,

you know, I couldn't stand being cross-examined.

Who are you?

What do you do?

Where are you from?

I won't ask any more questions.

You see, the trouble is I'm a writer,

and you know how writers pry, right?

It's just I'm curious about people, okay?

A nosy parker.

Isn't that what the British call it?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

I'm from Donegal.

See, I'm no expert in the language of

Cromwell.

Okay.

No, excuse me.

Did you say a writer, are you?

Well, yeah, I write books.

Oh.

Anyway, I apologise again.

No, it's just a minute now.

No, that's...

I accept your apology.

Oh, I'm glad.

Oh, see, you write books.

Yeah.

You know, that's a skilled trade.

Oh, thank you.

Of course, mine's a skilled trade, too.

You know, I always say that the whole

secret of life is to get to be

very, very good.

That's something that's very, very hard to do.

You've accomplished that, have you?

Well, I'd say I have, yeah.

Thank yourselves.

Seventy.

Nice, huh?

Yeah.

It must have cost you a tidy bit,

this motor car, huh?

Wasn't cheap.

Driving a good car, my one indulgence, I

guess.

Tell us, now, I mean, what would she

be capable of now?

I mean, how many, you know, revolutions per

minute, flat out?

This?

Aye.

129, to make us clean.

129 miles an hour.

Oh, you'd never believe that for a young

woman, would you?

Sure she will.

They make a beautiful machine, these people.

Look at that.

129 miles an hour.

Oh, she'd never do that.

No, I know.

No, no.

I bet she won't think you like it.

She wouldn't?

Oh, I bet she will.

No, not at all.

Look, all these car manufacturers, they're all bloody

liars, every one of them.

I mean, I'm surprised, you know, a smart

fellow like you.

You don't believe in all that, do you?

Well, in this instance, I do.

Do you?

Yeah.

Well, prove it.

What are you?

What do you?

Um...

Fasten your seatbelt.

Aye, with pleasure, mister, with pleasure.

Ah, that's beautiful, beautiful.

You all set?

Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful.

The tonne, she...

She's...

She's hit the tonne.

110, 115, go on.

Go on, go on.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going, I can't go on.

Aye, aye.

100, 100.

100, 100.

Oh, 100.

Oh, 100.

Oh, that's Irish, that's the word.

Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no, no, no.

Keep going, keep going.

You can lose him.

Of course you can lose him.

Why did I ever listen to you?

Why?

Well, because you're a good gambler, sir.

That's why.

You're a good gambler.

I didn't know a motorcycle cop could do

110.

Oh, I could, yes, I could indeed.

You see, his motorbike is the same make

as your motorcar, only it fizzles out at

112.

If you'd have kept going, you'd have been

okay.

Look at him.

This is real trouble.

Yeah.

Ah, well, sure.

It's only our first offence, isn't that right?

Oh, well.

He's a real man-looking devil.

Just one to watch out.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Oh, sorry.

What's your hurry?

No hurry, officer.

You mean you don't have a lady in

the back who's having a baby?

No, obviously not.

But your house is on fire and you're

dashing home to rescue your family, eh?

No.

And perhaps you're carrying urgent medical supplies to

a hospital, perhaps?

No.

I see.

You hold a current British driving licence, sir?

Oh, sure I do, officer, yes.

It's just that you sound American to me,

sir.

I am.

Perhaps you can claim diplomatic immunity.

No, no.

I wish I could.

I'm not wasting my time, am I?

You are aware of the speed limit in

this country, of course?

Seventy.

Of course.

Do you mind telling me what speed you

were doing just now?

Well, I was a little over that, I

know.

That's putting it politely, sir.

I passed you at 112 miles an hour.

One, one, two.

And that's not a speed I care to

drive at, sir.

Except in the course of duty, that is.

Do you mind getting out your vehicle, sir?

Pardon?

And I must caution you, sir, that anything

you say may be taken down...

And used in evidence against you.

I know, yes.

Could I see your driving licence, sir?

Oh, sure, Arthur, yes.

Hey, mister, mister, you...

You left it in the glove compartment here,

taken so quick.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I see.

I do hate these little plastic envelopes.

Yes.

Well, well, well, two convictions already, eh?

And one of them's an SB60.

You make a habit of exceeding the speed

limit, sir?

Well, that was a couple of years ago.

Well, you're going to lose your licence for

12 months, you know that, don't you?

That's up to the magistrate, isn't it?

That'll be two endorsements already, it's automatic.

Not to mention this third offence took place

on a motorway.

Now, we do take a very firm line

about excess speeds on a motorway.

Now, the last bloke I booked on this

same stretch of motorway...

Got fined 20 pounds for every mile he

was over the speed limit.

No kidding?

Now, you were 42 miles over the limit.

You can work that out for yourself.

Well, it's well over 800 pounds.

Right.

What do I have your full names on?

Devine.

Paul.

George.

Thank you, sir.

Now you.

Who are you?

Well, he's all right.

I picked him up.

He's hitchhiking.

He's got nothing to do with this.

I didn't ask you.

Hey, what have I done?

You're a witness, if nothing else.

How'd you get?

I thought you were a hard man, mister.

No, I'm not.

You're a hard man.

Look, I don't see where all the fuss

is...

I do my job, sir.

Aye.

Why don't you get back in your vehicle,

sir?

Recover your breath, as it were.

This won't take a minute.

All right.

Let's have your full name, huh?

Yeah.

Michael O'Brien Fish.

Address?

14 Gladstone Road, Royston.

Occupation?

Unemployed.

Hodderer.

Hog carrier.

Don't get funny with me.

I'm not getting funny with you.

That's the truth.

I'm on the welfare.

You've only got to ask.

Oh, I shall.

I'm going to check you out.

Look, I've done nothing.

What have I done?

I just don't like your face, that's all.

We must have a record of it on

file somewhere.

Well, I don't like your attitude.

It's most insulting.

Am I just getting a lift from this

nice kind gentleman?

Excuse me, are you...

All right.

That's said.

Listen, don't you lay a hand on me.

Don't you lay a hand on me.

In you get.

You saw that, didn't you?

Now, that constitutes an assault.

I'm reporting you, boy.

I am going to report you.

Ah, I know.

And this gentleman is my witness.

Wrong.

You are my witness to a very serious

offence.

I'll see you both in court.

Good morning.

Well, there he goes now.

Minus a knacker's yard.

A regular...

A regular paycock.

Eight hundred pounds.

Enough to spend a licence for a year.

I thought this was going to be a

good day.

You with two endorsements already.

Oh, that's bad.

No, that's bad.

My licence.

Did I really leave it in the glove

compartment?

Did I?

Well, I think you must have.

I think you must have.

Well, tell us, Sam.

What are you thinking of doing now?

I'm thinking of getting off this cop-infested

motorway and finding us a place to dry

off.

Well, better luck next time, old fellow.

Yeah.

You could take your wet coat off.

No, no, that's all right.

You know, I told him a bit of

a lie.

Wrong policeman.

Because I'm not unemployed.

I'm going to be very busy this afternoon.

And tomorrow, too.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

At the Derby.

You know, you're right, old fellow.

You're such a pack of nosy parkers.

Do you know that?

You know, I know you'll never be satisfied

till I come out with what I do.

That's all.

Not really.

It's up to you.

Go on.

You're just itching to know.

Yeah, I can tell by the look on

your face.

Not really.

Look, drink up and let's get out of

here.

Come on.

We're dry.

You're in a desperate hurry.

It doesn't pay to hurry, you know.

No, it doesn't.

That's why I'm going to drive very, very

slow.

Now, come on.

Come on.

Hold on.

Hold hard now.

Hold hard.

You're not drunk, are you?

I'm too, in which case...

Irish.

English measures, but...

Poor boy.

The Lord only knows what my wife's going

to say.

That was quick.

Now, you noticed that, did you?

Sure, I did.

That's fascinating.

I didn't notice.

I never saw anybody roll a cigarette that

fast.

Fingers.

Yeah, I know the joke.

Fish fingers.

Look, you see them fingers there?

Huh?

You wouldn't think to look at them.

But they're the quickest, slickest fingers you've ever

seen in your life, boy.

Oh, you're a concert pianist.

My job's a hundred times more difficult than

piano playing.

Any fool can learn the piano.

But I can tell you, not one in

ten million can learn to do what I

do.

I'm telling you, boy.

Yeah, you've been telling me.

I heard you.

I am telling you, boy.

I got it.

You're a kind of amateur magician.

I can't...

You're a card player, aren't you?

You're card sharp, huh?

Well, now you're insulting me.

All right, then I give up.

Ever seen this before?

Hmm.

Looks the same as mine.

Where'd you get that?

Uh...

Took it off the top of your trousers.

You took that off me while I was

driving?

Uh, why wouldn't I?

You undid the buckle, and you slid it

through all the loops while we were driving.

Oh.

Well, seems believable.

Hmm.

Hmm.

What about this, then?

What about it?

Is anyone around here missing a shoelace, I

wonder?

Do you mind that time when I missed

me step coming out of the pub like?

Yeah, I remember.

I didn't see anything.

Ah, well, no, I know you didn't.

Well, you weren't, uh...

You weren't meant to.

Just, uh, it's fingers, you know.

Fingers.

I'll come with fingers.

What's the time, then?

What's the time?

The clock's right there in front of you.

Ah, no, I hate them car clocks.

No, I like to get the right time,

you know.

If I have a decent gold watch like

this, no, it's not a beauty, huh?

It's not a beauty.

Do you know what?

You could flog that anywhere, couldn't you?

Fish!

Put the watch down.

Aye.

Hey.

What are you standing for?

What else have you got of mine?

A joke's a joke.

Come on.

What else have you got?

Look, I'm only answering your question, mister.

You asked me what I did for a

living, and here I am.

I'm showing you.

What else have you got of mine?

Are you a policeman?

I'm not a policeman.

But if you don't show me, what...

Special delivery.

Okay, now get out.

Out?

Me?

Out.

Out!

Out!

I don't give rise to big pockets.

If you want to know, I'm a fingersmith.

A what?

A finger...

A professional fingersmith.

You know, like a goldsmith or a silversmith.

And I can tell you, I follow my

own professional code of honour.

I always gives back answers of no use

to me.

Oh, you mean you're Robin Hood working the

racetrack.

Look, I know what you must be feeling,

mister.

Because it wasn't a very good morning for

you, was it?

It's still out.

Come on, fingers.

I mean, what with me making you go

over the speed limit and the police and

all.

And now you're disapproving of my vocation, like.

Exactly.

Now get out!

Out.

Get out, I said.

That's very funny.

Very funny.

I couldn't resist it.

Out.

No fun there.

You know, would you give me my hat,

please?

Here.

You know, you're a hard man, mister.

You're worse than a police man.

Yeah, he's checking on you right now.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody's checking on me, mister.

He's got your name and address, Fish.

He wrote it all down in his little

black book.

All right, well, wait till you see now.

What about this, sir?

Michael O'Brien Fish, 14 Gladstone Road, Royston.

Unemployed.

That was my particulars.

Now, here's your particulars, you see.

When cautioned, Mr. Duveen replied.

You took that from a cop?

Oh, it was easy.

It was dead easy.

Good Lord.

But he'll remember names, registration numbers.

Ah, no, no, he won't remember.

It was because he wrote it down, you

see.

And I remember because he didn't think he'd

have to.

Now, do you see?

I don't know.

Ah, well, I do.

Because I'd been booked before, do you see?

And I always took the wee book.

Never heard a word after.

Well, I tell you what now.

I think the two of us should get

out here.

And we'll build a wee bonfire and burn

all them things.

And then after, like, if you insist, I'll

walk.

Oh, no, no.

If you want, I'll walk.

I don't mind.

No, right, right.

Bonfire.

Brilliant fish.

Brilliant.

You know, it's nice to be appreciated.

Hey, Fish.

Yeah.

What if it doesn't burn?

I mean, it's starting to rain again.

Yes, but if you could get just a

few dry twigs.

Dry twigs.

Dry twigs.

Here.

Fat.

He couldn't resist it.