Original subtitles

This is a play about a very expensive

mink coat.

The original storey is quite short, but I'm

such a ridiculously slow writer that it took

me something like five months to get the

thing finished, which is more than 600 working

hours.

That probably sounds a bit silly to you,

but in trying to work the plot out

properly, I took so many wrong turnings and

went up so many blind alleys I nearly

went crazy.

Don't forget, a short storey writer's working in

miniature, and he can't afford to splash his

paint all over the canvas.

He has to be extremely precise.

I find it very difficult.

Anyway, see what you think of it.

It isn't three months already, is it?

Mm-hmm.

Heavens, how time flies.

Seems like yesterday.

What does?

Your last visit to Aunt Maude.

No, it's three months.

Will you be away till Monday?

Yes, the weekend as usual.

You don't think it's too much, do you,

every three months?

Four times a year.

Awful expense.

After all, she is only an aunt.

I'm very poor.

Is that what you mean?

I've nothing to gain.

No, no, no.

It seems a little excessive, that's all.

An aunt, every three months, four times a

year.

I'm very fond of Aunt Maude.

I know.

I'm her only living relative.

I'm all she has.

It's the least I can do.

It's my duty.

Yes, and I admire you for it.

How long is it you kept it up?

Eight years.

Eight years.

Yes, well, there you are.

I always admired you for your sense of

duty.

I wouldn't do it, not from what you

tell me about her.

Poor old Auntie Maude.

Eighty-four, one run, bedridden, penniless.

I'm only grateful you don't expect me to

come with you.

I wouldn't do that.

After all, she's not your aunt.

She's mine.

Go on.

Dearest, tonight...

What?

Did you brush your teeth?

Bye, darling.

See you Monday.

Don't work too hard.

Bye.

You'll have to excuse me.

I must be getting tired.

Welcome back.

I'm a little late as it is.

Ah, yes, Colonel, of course.

Aunt Maude, isn't it?

You bachelors.

Aunt Maude, exactly.

I've almost

forgotten how ravishing you look.

What do they do, Gardel?

The fluoride mouthwash, by the way?

Yes, sometimes more.

And the dental floss?

I even brush out my gums.

It must be the brushing.

What's the rule for brushing, Miss Poutney?

Ten strokes.

That's the rule.

Use the length of the brush to the

full.

Teeth have two sides, so it's outer and

inner.

Five minutes, that's all, and you'll end up

a winner.

Rinse, please.

Oh, Miss Poutney, I I forgot to say

I'll be working late.

Oh, I remember, Mr Bixby.

I have ordered your sandwiches.

Thank you.

Yes, I want to do some inlays.

Yes, Mr Bixby.

Excuse me, Mr Bixby.

I think the injection is beginning to wear

off.

Come along, me

darling.

Time to wake up.

Oh, what day is it?

Monday.

Oh, no, not already.

Afraid so.

Our time flies.

Oh, please, don't say that.

Seamus will drive you to the airport.

You'll come too, won't you?

Afraid not.

Important business.

Oh, I don't see how I can wait

another three months.

I almost forgot.

The colonel asked me to give you this.

Oh, good heavens, what an enormous box.

What is it?

Was there a message?

Did he send a message?

No, no message.

Oh, thank you.

I once heard you saying you were fond

of mink, so I got you this.

I'm told it's a good one.

Please accept it as a parting gift.

For my own personal reasons, I shall not

be able to see you anymore.

We always said, just so long as it

lasts and no longer.

Goodbye, my darling.

It's been fun.

Good luck.

P.S. In the right-hand pocket of

the coat, you will find an envelope for

customs.

You have nothing to worry about.

The duty's paid.

Duty's paid?

P.P.S. Just say that Auntie Maud

gave it to you for Christmas.

But Auntie Maud could never afford a present

like this.

Not in a million years.

God, what will I tell Cyril?

Oh, I've got to keep this coat.

I've got to.

I want to.

I've got to.

But how will I explain it?

What will I tell Cyril?

Sorry about this traffic, love.

We've a doubt of the weather.

Please pull over there and wait for me.

I won't be a moment.

Oh, isn't it silly of me?

I've gone and lost my purse.

The banks are all closed now and well,

I just have to have some money.

I mean, I simply need some money to

get home.

I feel such a terrible fool.

What you got?

Well, this, this is really a very valuable

coat.

How much do you want?

It's mink.

How much do you want?

Oh, not much.

Just enough to pay for the taxi.

I'll come back tomorrow and redeem it.

How much?

I feel so stupid.

I mean, if only I had a ring

or a watch, but the fact is, I

don't have a thing with me other than

this coat.

Lady, how much do you want?

Money?

Complete?

Fifty pounds.

For a taxi?

Still, that's your business.

OK, fifty pounds.

Name?

Mrs...

Oh, no, no.

Leave that out.

And the address.

You don't have to have a name and

address, do you?

I don't have to.

But you know the risk.

You lose this ticket, it's got no name

on it, you're in trouble.

How so?

Anyone can get hold of this ticket, come

in here and claim the article.

Yes, yes, I realise that.

All they've got to do is to give

me the ticket and I've got to give

them the article.

Yes, I know.

So you'd better not lose it.

Oh, I'm not going to lose it.

Good heavens, no, it's only till tomorrow.

Yes, well, have it your own way.

Now, what do you want me to put

down for a description?

Mink, fur, what?

No, no, no description either.

It's not necessary.

Just put the amount, fifty pounds.

Lady, I don't want to interfere in your

private life, but I've been in this game

a long time.

Take my advice, put a description.

What for?

What for, she asks.

You may want to sell this ticket sometime.

Now, who's going to buy it if they

know what it is?

No, but I'm not going to sell it.

I'm coming back for the coat tomorrow.

I'm, I'm not broke.

I, I simply lost my purse.

I'm, I'm temporarily embarrassed.

Don't you understand?

Well, it's your coat, fifty pounds.

Tell me something, if, if I don't have

a description on the ticket, how can I

be sure that you'll give me back this

coat and, and not something else when I

return?

It goes in the books.

But all I've got is a ticket with

a number on it, so in fact, you

could just hand me any old thing you

wanted, isn't that so?

Look, do you want a description or don't

you?

No, no, I, I trust you.

Right, fifty pounds.

Twenty, forty, fifty.

She don't like fur coats.

There we are.

I've got a little surprise for you.

You've always said that only Americans can mix

dry martinis.

Well, let me just try this.

Perfect.

Yes, it's simply a question of getting the

vermouth to the nearest milligramme.

I, uh, I bought this for measuring.

Darling, how clever of you.

Yes, I thought so.

Go on.

What?

You were saying about Aunt Maud.

Oh, yes.

Uh, I don't think she's well.

She looked awfully frail.

You know, I had the feeling, I don't

know how to explain it, but I had

the feeling I wouldn't see her again.

Nonsense.

So, eighty-four, can't complain.

I worked all the weekend, cast a few

inlays, did my accounts.

Oh, now, really, Cyril, you should let others

do your donkey work for you.

Isn't that Miss Poultony, whatever her name is,

supposed to help with your accounts?

You can't expect young people to work over

the weekend.

No, there's no sense of duty nowadays.

Darling, I knew there was something I had

to tell you.

Look, I found this.

What is it?

I don't know.

I found it on the seat of my

taxi.

It's got a number on it.

I thought it might be a lottery ticket

or something.

You know what this is, don't you?

No, I don't.

Porn ticket.

A what?

Porn ticket.

A ticket from a porn broker.

Name of the shop.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, this might be rather amusing.

Why could it be amusing?

Well, there's no owner's name and no description

of the article.

You know how porn tickets work, don't you?

No, they sound awfully dull to me.

Well, tell me over dinner.

Oh, darling, would you set the table, please?

And because there's no name and address, this

is now our ticket.

My ticket?

I found it.

What's the matter?

The important thing is that we are now

in a position to redeem, whatever it is,

for £50.

Oh, what fun.

It could be anything.

Isn't that right, darling?

Absolutely anything.

Yes, but probably a ring or a watch.

Oh, how absolutely thrilling.

Now, just give me back the ticket and

I'll rush over first thing tomorrow morning and

find out.

No, I think I'd better do that.

Oh, no, I want to do it myself.

No, I think not.

I'll pick it up on my way to

work.

Porn shop.

No place for a lady.

You're a foreigner, dearest.

You don't know the way we do these

things over here.

And you've no reason to know porn brokers,

thank heavens.

You're liable to get cheated.

I wouldn't get cheated.

Honestly, I wouldn't.

Give it to me, please.

Rather you didn't handle it, if you don't

mind.

One never knows with this sort of thing.

But I found it.

Now, whatever it is, it's mine.

Isn't that right?

Yes, of course, it's yours.

There's no need to get so worked up.

Of course, it might be something entirely masculine.

Pocket watch, cufflinks.

In that case, you can have it.

But if it's a woman's thing, I want

it myself.

Now, is that agreed?

Agreed.

I say, I tell you what, why don't

you come with me?

No.

You're right.

You'll handle it much better than I.

I know you go along.

Oh, it's going to be much more fun

if I stay behind and wait.

Be sure to telephone the moment you know

what it is.

Promise?

Promise.

Oh, Cyril, isn't it exciting?

It's amusing, certainly.

There's no doubt about that.

Darling.

It's all right, Cyril.

I brushed.

Cyril, did you?

What is it?

Is it something nice?

Oh, no.

Go on, darling.

Tell me what it is.

Oh, I can't guess, Cyril.

I can't.

Don't be infuriating, Cyril.

Is it for a woman?

Stop keeping me in suspense.

I can't bear it.

I can't.

Something fantastic?

Really?

A necklace?

No.

A diamond ring?

Not a diamond ring.

Something you wear?

Oh, I don't know.

A hat?

Oh, for goodness sake, Cyril, tell me what

it is.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm not waiting until tonight.

I'm coming down to your office and get

whatever it is now.

Oh, Mrs. Bixby, your husband is expecting you.

I'm just off for lunch.

He won't keep you, Mr. Gorman.

It's in here.

So, shut your eyes.

Oh, Cyril, don't.

Shut your eyes.

Oh, very well.

All right, stand there.

Don't look.

I have to get it out of the

cupboard.

Oh, heavens, I'm so excited.

All right, you can look.

I don't dare.

Take a peek.

Mink.

Real mink.

Feast your eyes on that.

Oh.

What's the matter, dearest?

Don't you like it?

Is that what the pawnbroker gave you?

Absolutely.

In a great big box.

Quite takes your breath away, doesn't it?

It's magnificent quality.

Look at that lovely colour.

It must be worth at least 200 pounds,

I think.

Really?

Here, try it on.

Perfect.

It really suits you.

Not everyone has mink, my dear.

No.

I'm afraid you mustn't expect a Christmas present.

50 pounds is rather more than I intended

to spend.

I would take you out to lunch to

celebrate, but I'm running rather late.

I have to fit Mr. Gorman's dentures.

Oh, and I shall be home late tonight.

Inlays.

Nine o'clock, I should think.

Perhaps even ten.

Run along, dearest, and consider yourself a very

lucky woman.

All right, Mr. Gorman?

Wait for me!

Thank you, Mrs. Bixby.