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This is a play about a very expensive
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mink coat.
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The original storey is quite short, but I'm
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such a ridiculously slow writer that it took
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me something like five months to get the
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thing finished, which is more than 600 working
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hours.
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That probably sounds a bit silly to you,
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but in trying to work the plot out
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properly, I took so many wrong turnings and
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went up so many blind alleys I nearly
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went crazy.
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Don't forget, a short storey writer's working in
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miniature, and he can't afford to splash his
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paint all over the canvas.
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He has to be extremely precise.
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I find it very difficult.
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Anyway, see what you think of it.
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It isn't three months already, is it?
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Mm-hmm.
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Heavens, how time flies.
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Seems like yesterday.
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What does?
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Your last visit to Aunt Maude.
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No, it's three months.
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Will you be away till Monday?
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Yes, the weekend as usual.
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You don't think it's too much, do you,
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every three months?
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Four times a year.
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Awful expense.
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After all, she is only an aunt.
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I'm very poor.
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Is that what you mean?
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I've nothing to gain.
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No, no, no.
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It seems a little excessive, that's all.
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An aunt, every three months, four times a
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year.
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I'm very fond of Aunt Maude.
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I know.
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I'm her only living relative.
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I'm all she has.
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It's the least I can do.
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It's my duty.
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Yes, and I admire you for it.
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How long is it you kept it up?
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Eight years.
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Eight years.
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Yes, well, there you are.
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I always admired you for your sense of
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duty.
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I wouldn't do it, not from what you
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tell me about her.
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Poor old Auntie Maude.
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Eighty-four, one run, bedridden, penniless.
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I'm only grateful you don't expect me to
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come with you.
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I wouldn't do that.
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After all, she's not your aunt.
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She's mine.
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Go on.
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Dearest, tonight...
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What?
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Did you brush your teeth?
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Bye, darling.
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See you Monday.
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Don't work too hard.
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Bye.
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You'll have to excuse me.
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I must be getting tired.
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Welcome back.
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I'm a little late as it is.
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Ah, yes, Colonel, of course.
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Aunt Maude, isn't it?
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You bachelors.
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Aunt Maude, exactly.
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I've almost
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forgotten how ravishing you look.
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What do they do, Gardel?
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The fluoride mouthwash, by the way?
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Yes, sometimes more.
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And the dental floss?
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I even brush out my gums.
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It must be the brushing.
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What's the rule for brushing, Miss Poutney?
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Ten strokes.
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That's the rule.
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Use the length of the brush to the
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full.
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Teeth have two sides, so it's outer and
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inner.
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Five minutes, that's all, and you'll end up
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a winner.
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Rinse, please.
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Oh, Miss Poutney, I I forgot to say
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I'll be working late.
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Oh, I remember, Mr Bixby.
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I have ordered your sandwiches.
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Thank you.
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Yes, I want to do some inlays.
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Yes, Mr Bixby.
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Excuse me, Mr Bixby.
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I think the injection is beginning to wear
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off.
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Come along, me
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darling.
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Time to wake up.
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Oh, what day is it?
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Monday.
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Oh, no, not already.
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Afraid so.
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Our time flies.
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Oh, please, don't say that.
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Seamus will drive you to the airport.
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You'll come too, won't you?
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Afraid not.
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Important business.
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Oh, I don't see how I can wait
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another three months.
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I almost forgot.
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The colonel asked me to give you this.
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Oh, good heavens, what an enormous box.
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What is it?
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Was there a message?
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Did he send a message?
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No, no message.
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Oh, thank you.
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I once heard you saying you were fond
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of mink, so I got you this.
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I'm told it's a good one.
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Please accept it as a parting gift.
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For my own personal reasons, I shall not
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be able to see you anymore.
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We always said, just so long as it
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lasts and no longer.
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Goodbye, my darling.
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It's been fun.
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Good luck.
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P.S. In the right-hand pocket of
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the coat, you will find an envelope for
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customs.
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You have nothing to worry about.
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The duty's paid.
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Duty's paid?
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P.P.S. Just say that Auntie Maud
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gave it to you for Christmas.
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But Auntie Maud could never afford a present
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like this.
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Not in a million years.
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God, what will I tell Cyril?
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Oh, I've got to keep this coat.
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I've got to.
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I want to.
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I've got to.
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But how will I explain it?
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What will I tell Cyril?
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Sorry about this traffic, love.
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We've a doubt of the weather.
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Please pull over there and wait for me.
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I won't be a moment.
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Oh, isn't it silly of me?
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I've gone and lost my purse.
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The banks are all closed now and well,
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I just have to have some money.
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I mean, I simply need some money to
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get home.
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I feel such a terrible fool.
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What you got?
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Well, this, this is really a very valuable
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coat.
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How much do you want?
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It's mink.
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How much do you want?
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Oh, not much.
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Just enough to pay for the taxi.
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I'll come back tomorrow and redeem it.
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How much?
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I feel so stupid.
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I mean, if only I had a ring
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or a watch, but the fact is, I
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don't have a thing with me other than
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this coat.
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Lady, how much do you want?
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Money?
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Complete?
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Fifty pounds.
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For a taxi?
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Still, that's your business.
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OK, fifty pounds.
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Name?
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Mrs...
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Oh, no, no.
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Leave that out.
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And the address.
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You don't have to have a name and
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address, do you?
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I don't have to.
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But you know the risk.
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You lose this ticket, it's got no name
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on it, you're in trouble.
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How so?
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Anyone can get hold of this ticket, come
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in here and claim the article.
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Yes, yes, I realise that.
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All they've got to do is to give
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me the ticket and I've got to give
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them the article.
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Yes, I know.
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So you'd better not lose it.
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Oh, I'm not going to lose it.
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Good heavens, no, it's only till tomorrow.
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Yes, well, have it your own way.
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Now, what do you want me to put
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down for a description?
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Mink, fur, what?
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No, no, no description either.
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It's not necessary.
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Just put the amount, fifty pounds.
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Lady, I don't want to interfere in your
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private life, but I've been in this game
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a long time.
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Take my advice, put a description.
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What for?
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What for, she asks.
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You may want to sell this ticket sometime.
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Now, who's going to buy it if they
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know what it is?
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No, but I'm not going to sell it.
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I'm coming back for the coat tomorrow.
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I'm, I'm not broke.
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I, I simply lost my purse.
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I'm, I'm temporarily embarrassed.
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Don't you understand?
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Well, it's your coat, fifty pounds.
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Tell me something, if, if I don't have
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a description on the ticket, how can I
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be sure that you'll give me back this
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coat and, and not something else when I
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return?
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It goes in the books.
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But all I've got is a ticket with
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a number on it, so in fact, you
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could just hand me any old thing you
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wanted, isn't that so?
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Look, do you want a description or don't
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you?
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No, no, I, I trust you.
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Right, fifty pounds.
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Twenty, forty, fifty.
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She don't like fur coats.
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There we are.
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I've got a little surprise for you.
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You've always said that only Americans can mix
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dry martinis.
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Well, let me just try this.
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Perfect.
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Yes, it's simply a question of getting the
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vermouth to the nearest milligramme.
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I, uh, I bought this for measuring.
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Darling, how clever of you.
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Yes, I thought so.
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Go on.
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What?
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You were saying about Aunt Maud.
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Oh, yes.
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Uh, I don't think she's well.
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She looked awfully frail.
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You know, I had the feeling, I don't
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know how to explain it, but I had
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the feeling I wouldn't see her again.
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Nonsense.
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So, eighty-four, can't complain.
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I worked all the weekend, cast a few
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inlays, did my accounts.
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Oh, now, really, Cyril, you should let others
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do your donkey work for you.
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Isn't that Miss Poultony, whatever her name is,
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supposed to help with your accounts?
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You can't expect young people to work over
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the weekend.
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No, there's no sense of duty nowadays.
283
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:21,560
Darling, I knew there was something I had
284
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,040
to tell you.
285
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,120
Look, I found this.
286
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:24,980
What is it?
287
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:25,820
I don't know.
288
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,680
I found it on the seat of my
289
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:27,980
taxi.
290
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,100
It's got a number on it.
291
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,380
I thought it might be a lottery ticket
292
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:32,120
or something.
293
00:16:34,980 --> 00:16:36,240
You know what this is, don't you?
294
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,040
No, I don't.
295
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:37,500
Porn ticket.
296
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:37,980
A what?
297
00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:38,620
Porn ticket.
298
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,460
A ticket from a porn broker.
299
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:41,840
Name of the shop.
300
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:42,380
Oh.
301
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,160
Oh.
302
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:46,580
Oh, this might be rather amusing.
303
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,900
Why could it be amusing?
304
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,700
Well, there's no owner's name and no description
305
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:50,220
of the article.
306
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,780
You know how porn tickets work, don't you?
307
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,800
No, they sound awfully dull to me.
308
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,840
Well, tell me over dinner.
309
00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,640
Oh, darling, would you set the table, please?
310
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,740
And because there's no name and address, this
311
00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:11,020
is now our ticket.
312
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,119
My ticket?
313
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,160
I found it.
314
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,060
What's the matter?
315
00:17:14,540 --> 00:17:17,140
The important thing is that we are now
316
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:20,119
in a position to redeem, whatever it is,
317
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,000
for £50.
318
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,280
Oh, what fun.
319
00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:25,740
It could be anything.
320
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:27,580
Isn't that right, darling?
321
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,400
Absolutely anything.
322
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,840
Yes, but probably a ring or a watch.
323
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,480
Oh, how absolutely thrilling.
324
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:37,200
Now, just give me back the ticket and
325
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,120
I'll rush over first thing tomorrow morning and
326
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:39,580
find out.
327
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,240
No, I think I'd better do that.
328
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:45,140
Oh, no, I want to do it myself.
329
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:45,900
No, I think not.
330
00:17:46,060 --> 00:17:47,200
I'll pick it up on my way to
331
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:47,460
work.
332
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:48,600
Porn shop.
333
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,020
No place for a lady.
334
00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:56,740
You're a foreigner, dearest.
335
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,660
You don't know the way we do these
336
00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,360
things over here.
337
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,900
And you've no reason to know porn brokers,
338
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:02,400
thank heavens.
339
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,700
You're liable to get cheated.
340
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:04,780
I wouldn't get cheated.
341
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:05,780
Honestly, I wouldn't.
342
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:06,820
Give it to me, please.
343
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,260
Rather you didn't handle it, if you don't
344
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:10,620
mind.
345
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,060
One never knows with this sort of thing.
346
00:18:12,060 --> 00:18:13,220
But I found it.
347
00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:14,420
Now, whatever it is, it's mine.
348
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:15,100
Isn't that right?
349
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,560
Yes, of course, it's yours.
350
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:18,400
There's no need to get so worked up.
351
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,060
Of course, it might be something entirely masculine.
352
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,380
Pocket watch, cufflinks.
353
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:25,480
In that case, you can have it.
354
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,260
But if it's a woman's thing, I want
355
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:27,700
it myself.
356
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:28,420
Now, is that agreed?
357
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:29,820
Agreed.
358
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,580
I say, I tell you what, why don't
359
00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:32,140
you come with me?
360
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:36,600
No.
361
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,300
You're right.
362
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,600
You'll handle it much better than I.
363
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:40,460
I know you go along.
364
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,800
Oh, it's going to be much more fun
365
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,120
if I stay behind and wait.
366
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,040
Be sure to telephone the moment you know
367
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:45,500
what it is.
368
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:45,840
Promise?
369
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:47,060
Promise.
370
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,440
Oh, Cyril, isn't it exciting?
371
00:18:53,860 --> 00:18:55,520
It's amusing, certainly.
372
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:57,160
There's no doubt about that.
373
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,040
Darling.
374
00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:02,300
It's all right, Cyril.
375
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:02,860
I brushed.
376
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,660
Cyril, did you?
377
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:32,060
What is it?
378
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,060
Is it something nice?
379
00:19:34,660 --> 00:19:35,340
Oh, no.
380
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:36,320
Go on, darling.
381
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:37,720
Tell me what it is.
382
00:19:38,940 --> 00:19:40,700
Oh, I can't guess, Cyril.
383
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:41,880
I can't.
384
00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:45,040
Don't be infuriating, Cyril.
385
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:45,840
Is it for a woman?
386
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,980
Stop keeping me in suspense.
387
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:49,820
I can't bear it.
388
00:19:49,820 --> 00:19:50,740
I can't.
389
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,680
Something fantastic?
390
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:56,500
Really?
391
00:19:57,660 --> 00:19:58,500
A necklace?
392
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,160
No.
393
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:01,940
A diamond ring?
394
00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:04,500
Not a diamond ring.
395
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,420
Something you wear?
396
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:08,880
Oh, I don't know.
397
00:20:09,380 --> 00:20:10,380
A hat?
398
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:12,540
Oh, for goodness sake, Cyril, tell me what
399
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:13,280
it is.
400
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:15,380
Oh, no, you don't.
401
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,640
I'm not waiting until tonight.
402
00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:18,340
I'm coming down to your office and get
403
00:20:18,340 --> 00:20:19,720
whatever it is now.
404
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:45,580
Oh, Mrs. Bixby, your husband is expecting you.
405
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:46,960
I'm just off for lunch.
406
00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:49,360
He won't keep you, Mr. Gorman.
407
00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:55,820
It's in here.
408
00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:58,040
So, shut your eyes.
409
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:58,900
Oh, Cyril, don't.
410
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,340
Shut your eyes.
411
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:01,320
Oh, very well.
412
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:01,740
All right, stand there.
413
00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:02,680
Don't look.
414
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,340
I have to get it out of the
415
00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:04,480
cupboard.
416
00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:06,120
Oh, heavens, I'm so excited.
417
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,520
All right, you can look.
418
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:09,900
I don't dare.
419
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:11,320
Take a peek.
420
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:12,800
Mink.
421
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,880
Real mink.
422
00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:20,820
Feast your eyes on that.
423
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:21,220
Oh.
424
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,400
What's the matter, dearest?
425
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,120
Don't you like it?
426
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:30,220
Is that what the pawnbroker gave you?
427
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:30,880
Absolutely.
428
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:33,040
In a great big box.
429
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:34,940
Quite takes your breath away, doesn't it?
430
00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:36,520
It's magnificent quality.
431
00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:39,140
Look at that lovely colour.
432
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,040
It must be worth at least 200 pounds,
433
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:42,260
I think.
434
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:42,540
Really?
435
00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:43,440
Here, try it on.
436
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:47,220
Perfect.
437
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,200
It really suits you.
438
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,040
Not everyone has mink, my dear.
439
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:54,720
No.
440
00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,960
I'm afraid you mustn't expect a Christmas present.
441
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,300
50 pounds is rather more than I intended
442
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:01,820
to spend.
443
00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:04,500
I would take you out to lunch to
444
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:07,200
celebrate, but I'm running rather late.
445
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,280
I have to fit Mr. Gorman's dentures.
446
00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:12,300
Oh, and I shall be home late tonight.
447
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:13,840
Inlays.
448
00:22:14,740 --> 00:22:16,140
Nine o'clock, I should think.
449
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:17,880
Perhaps even ten.
450
00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:21,920
Run along, dearest, and consider yourself a very
451
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:22,880
lucky woman.
452
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:26,160
All right, Mr. Gorman?
453
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:52,360
Wait for me!
454
00:23:05,870 --> 00:23:07,190
Thank you, Mrs. Bixby.
28657
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