Original subtitles

♪ My girl has a wicked style

♪ From her lips to her tits and don't you forget that mind

♪ My friend

♪ I'll say I'm through

♪ They all think I'm whipped 'Cause I'm down with you

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss the one you love Then she drops by

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ And when I hear that lock turn

♪ Anytime of day

♪ Anytime of night

♪ Come without a warning

♪ I've got nothing to hide

♪ There used to be a day

♪ As with traffic that came by

♪ Ex-girlfriend, drug, my friend You know what it's like

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss the one you love Then she drops by

♪ My girl

♪ She's too

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ And when I hear that lock turn

♪ When I hear that lock turning

♪ I know it's got to be a good thing

♪ When we wake in the morning

♪ I know

♪ Watch me now, watch me now, watch me now

♪ You got me coming with the baby talk all night

♪ You got me coming with the baby talk

♪ With the pillow talk

♪ To the lover's lot

♪ With the baby talk

♪ Don't fear it

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss the one you love...

Hey.

Virgil.

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ And when I hear that lock turn ♪

Oh, Virgil.

I love you, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

FRANCINE: Virgil, come on, it's time to get up.

You'll be late for school.

Oh, my God.

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, honey.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Uh, you know...

Oh, you are so bad.

Are you gonna spank me?

Just don't start anything, you won't get any breakfast.

Is that a threat or a promise?

Shit, shit, shit.

Uh-oh.

We will continue this later.

So, Mom, how's the arthritis today?

Like you give a shit.

Earthquake!Sorry.

Shit!

Stanley.Mmm-hmm?

I've been thinking.Mmm-hmm.

Virgil needs a girlfriend.

Hmm.

I mean, he really needs a girlfriend.

What brought this on?

Well, you know, he's a teenage boy

doing what most teenage boys do

when they don't have a girlfriend.

You don't want him to go blind, do you?

Stanley.

Yeah. You know, our real concern should be if he's...

If he's what?

Oh, if he's, you know, normal.

What are you talking about?

Well, look at him. He's 17 years old.

He's never been out with a girl.

Doesn't that tell you anything?

What's it supposed to tell me?

That he's a fag.

How can you say that?

Virgil's just a little slow when it comes to girls.

It just started doing this.

And Virgil is not gay.

He's just a little immature.

VIRGIL: Hey!

Who turned off the water?

Uh...

Back on in a minute.

You know, he does have your bottom.

Stanley.

Talk to Virgil.

Encourage him to start dating.

You're his father. Talk to him man to man.

I've had enough of you two.

I'm gonna take a dump.

Tomorrow, we call the nursing home.

Dwayne, you forgot your lunch!

And here's your breakfast.

Thanks, Ma.

Okay, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. I'm just not very hungry.

Get back in the house. I'm calling the doctor!

Mom, I'm not sick. I...

I'm just a little nervous.

About what?

You know. That thing we talked about last night?

Oh, you mean about asking Margaret Lapinski to the prom.

Oh, don't be nervous, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Oh, just ask her. It'll be good for you.

Going out with a girl.

Maybe you won't spend so much time in the bathroom with those dirty magazines.

Ma!

What? You don't think I know what you do in there?

Ma!

It's normal, for a teenage boy.

Now, your father, what's his excuse?

I'm gonna be late for school.

Well, have a nice day, sweetheart.

Morning, dear.

So, Virge,

Mom tells me there's a senior prom coming up at your school soon.

Uh, yeah.

All right.

Well, do you have a date yet?

You know, Dwayne and I were just talking about that.

Really?

And what did you guys decide?

Dwayne's gonna ask Margaret Lapinski.

And who are you asking, dear?

I don't know.

I'm thinking about it.

Well, hang in there, Son.

If Dwayne can get a date, anybody can.

Thanks.

MARGARET: Dwayne, wait up.

Hi, Margaret.

Hi.

You on your way to school?

Yeah, unfortunately. You, too?

Yeah.

What kind of sandwich is that?

Uh...

It's a salad. Egg.

Oh! It looks good.

Well, you want a bite?

Oh, thanks!

That was good.

You want the rest?

Oh, thanks.

Gee, it's hard to imagine that the senior prom is only a couple of weeks off.

Yeah.

I suppose you've already asked somebody.

No, not really.

I mean, there was this one time and I was...

And then another time when I was thinking...

But then the other day I was thinking about and...

Yes!Huh?

Yes, I'll go with you!

Really?

That's great. I mean, that's great!

We'll make such a cute couple!

Right. Fat and fatter!

What did you say?

Nothing.You called me fat!

No, just pleasantly plump.

Oh! You shitheel!

You think I'm fat?

Try looking in the mirror, blubber butt!

Does that mean we're not gonna go to the prom together?

Of course I'm gonna go with you.

You can't get out of it that easy.

She is a rough girl.

I like it.

You know, Son,

when a boy gets to be your age, there's...

Well, there's, like, these urges,

I guess you'd call them.

Being a healthy young male, these...

Well, these urges, they need to be addressed.

Oh, God! Please don't go there.

I know, sometimes being a teenager...

Heck! I was a teenager myself once.

Sometimes the hormones get going so fast,

you don't know if it's a girl or a boy that you want.

I mean, it's normal.

It doesn't mean that you have to be gay or anything.

I mean, it doesn't mean that you're gay or anything like that.

You know what I mean?

No.

I mean, you should just go for the girls.

Yeah, girls are the way to go.

Dad, I don't want girls.

Yes, you do. Believe me, I know what's best for you.

No, I don't want any girl.

Try it first. I know what I'm talking about.

No, Dad, there's this one girl that I want.

Now, look, it's just...

What did you say?

There's just one girl that I wanna ask to the prom

or anywhere else for that matter.

It's Kellie Guthrie

and she is the most beautiful,

most wonderful...

Well, yeah, that's great, Son.

Yeah, that's great.

Put on your seat belt.

Yo, Virge, check this out.

Hey, Amy, baby, how's it going?

So, when are we gonna hang?

Later, huh? Okay, you keep walking.

I'll meet you there.

Okay, Virge, tell me the truth.

Do I got a shot at getting lucky with Margaret?

I think that all depends on how you define lucky.

Well, shit, man, I just know it's gonna happen.

I mean, it's the law of averages.

How many times can I strike out?

You really want me to answer that?

Okay, you see this baby?

I've been saving it for two years and every day it says to me,

"Tonight, is it going to be tonight?"

Well, on prom night I get to say, "Yes!"

Your condom talks to you?

No, asshole, I mean it... Well...

Forget it. He no understand, Pierre.

How do you know it's still any good?

Why shouldn't it be?

Look, I know it's a couple years old and a little sticky,

but it's still good. Oh, yeah.

I swear, Dwayne, you have got to be

the biggest dumbshit I have ever known.

Oh, yeah?

Well, okay Mr. Big Shot, so who're you gonna ask to the prom, huh?

Kellie.Kellie Guthrie?

Yeah. Why not?

Well, one reason may be that Scott,

her boyfriend, will rip off your head and use it as a bowling ball.

Oh, no, no, no. See, you haven't heard.

They broke up, my friend.

They broke up.

The field is wide open.

Yeah, well, still, how the hell are you gonna ask her, smartass?

You can't even think about Kellie without getting a hard on.

I got that taken care of, too.

Come here.

Uh-huh.

Today is the day.

You could've washed it first.

♪ Another pain in the ass

♪ Another pain in the ass

Hey, Kellie.

Hi, Herbert.

♪ Another, another, another pain

Virgil.

♪ Another pain It's all in my head

♪ Another day in my head

♪ Sitting in World History

♪ The final in-class essay

♪ You were sitting next to me

♪ Your skirt all short and sassy

♪ Hands start shaking

♪ Turn my test into the teacher

♪ Turned around and heard him say

♪ "Wait a minute

♪ "You, there You got it all wrong

♪ "Neatness counts

♪ "Do it again"

♪ Sitting in the parking lot

♪ After a scary movie

♪ You were looking wicked hot

♪ The fire burns right through me ♪

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

It's not possible one of our students is cheating.

Now, that's not possible, is it?

It appears to me, Miss Guthrie,

you've left me no choice but to give you an "F."

Of course, you know what that means.

You flunk US History.

So, class,

can you think of anything worse than cheating?

Your boyfriend farting on your first date?

Your girlfriend telling you she's pregnant?

Having your mom walk in on you while you're...

Enough. I get the point.

Now, as for you, young lady...

Excuse me, Mr. Klausman?

Virgil. Those are my notes.

What?What?

Those are my study notes.

I like to go over them before a test, you know.

But they must have fallen out of my pocket

when I went for my inhaler 'cause I have this asthma...

What are you babbling about, Mr. Heitmeyer?

Well, I'm sorry if I caused any trouble, sir,

but those are my notes.

You, sir, are a liar.

Mr. Klausman, I may just be a kid, you know.

Immature in many ways and, you know, not yet

sophisticated in the ways of the world per se...

Do you have a point, Mr. Heitmeyer?

Yes, sir. I do not lie.

My integrity's never been brought into question and frankly,

I kind of resent the accusation. Now, those are my notes.

Not that I needed them. I mean, this test is really easy.

You know, it's kind of a joke. I mean, number six,

"Who was the general in charge of the Confederate Army?"

What kind of idiot doesn't know that that was Robert E. Lee?

And number 10,

"Which Union general captured Atlanta?"

Sherman.

Could it get any easier? Look at this.

"When did the Civil War end?" April, 1865.

"Where is Fort Sumter located?"

Charleston, South Carolina. Hello?

"What was the name of the North's ironclad warship?"

The Monitor. And you know what,

if you don't know that Ulysses S. Grant

was the head of the Union Army,

you really shouldn't be in this class to begin with.

Have a nice day.

Oh, way to go, bro.

Old man Klausman didn't know whether to shit or go blind.

I don't know what came over me.

You know, I was just like,

I didn't like the way he was talking to Kellie and so I just, you know...

Ah, man, you saved my ass.

Look, I'll probably pass that test now. Mmm-hmm.

Virgil.

Hi.Hi.

I just wanted to thank you for what you did.

It was really brave of you.

It wasn't anything.

Oh, believe me, it was.

If I would've flunked that test,

I probably wouldn't have graduated.

I don't know what I can do to thank you.

Well, you could go to the prom with me

and after that we could have sex.

Kellie, Kellie, we have some fabulous news.

Fabulous.

Okay, give me a minute, Debbie, I'm talking to Virgil.

Just kind of don't announce it.

Thanks again, Virgil. We'll talk later.

You really saved my butt.

Jesus, Scott, you see that?

She just kissed the little jerk.

Of course, I saw it. I'm not blind, for Christ sake.

Oh!

Oh, man.

That was better than a wet dream.

You better watch out, stud.

She might be going for the brainy type.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, how's it going?

Good. How are you?

Hey!

Oh, okay.

If you even look at Kellie again,

I'm gonna tear your arms off and shove them up your ass.

Is there a problem here?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Hooperman.

Virgil here just spilled his milk

and I was helping him dry off.

That was real nice of you, Scott.

There you go, little buddy.

You gotta be more careful next time.

I don't understand you, Kellie.

I thought you'd be thrilled to death that Scott wants you back.

Well, you thought wrong.

But you guys make such a cute couple.

You know, Kellie, there's not a girl in the school

that wouldn't die to trade places with you.

Well, that works, because there isn't a girl in the school

that Scott wouldn't screw if he had the chance.

Is that what happened at Gina's party?

Oh, hmm, you think?

You know, I think you're being really narrow-minded.

Hi, Kell.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Yeah, we'll... We'll just wait in the car.

We will?

So, I've thought a lot about us in the past few days.

I was thinking, well, maybe I made a mistake.

Oh, really. About what?

You know, about breaking up with you.

I mean, the prom's coming up

and well, we make such a great couple.

Do we?Well, yeah.

I mean, everyone says so.

Hell, we'll probably get voted king and queen.

You know, Scott, you have a short goddamn memory.

What?

Gina's house last Saturday, you forget already?

You take me to a party and end up screwing Melanie in the back bedroom.

Is any of this sounding familiar to you?

Come on, Kell.

I mean, you know she doesn't mean anything to me.

Obviously, neither do I.

That's not true. You're my girl.

I'm nobody's girl.

And just to set the record straight, I broke up with you, asshole.

And the last thing I wanna do is get back together.

Hey, what is it with you?

What do you... You want me to apologize or something?

I don't want you to do a damn thing.

Now get your hands off me.

I suppose you'd rather go to the prom with that geek Virgil.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

At least he has his brains in his head and not in his dick.

♪ One day I'll get rid of all the assholes

♪ Like you In my life

♪ One day I'll get rid of all the assholes

♪ Like you In my life

♪ In my life

Oh, Virgil. Oh, Virgil, man.

Virgil, check this out.

Have you ever seen such a beautiful snatch?

Ain't it incredible?

Maybe if you're a gynecologist.

Oh, shit, man, I'm telling you,

this is the best magazine ever to jerk off to.

You wanna use my bathroom?

Hey, yeah. Can I?

No, I guess I'll wait till I get home.

Dwayne's a whack-off.

Oh, that's it. They say you're a parrot.

A parrot's a bird. A bird's a chicken.

And fat people love to eat chicken,

so leave me alone or I'm gonna eat you.

Fat fuck. Fat fuck, fat fuck.

Oh, that's it! Virgil, get the frying pan.

Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne!What? What? What? What?

Oh, shit.

You're arguing with a parrot.

Well, he started it.

Okay, let's just forget about the parrot for now.

Do you realize how completely cool I became today?

How's that?

Dude, Kellie kissed me,

in public, right in front of everybody.

Well, yeah, and you almost had your head handed to you.

Remember that?

It was worth it.

Do you realize if I had moved my head just a little bit,

she would've kissed me right on the lips.

Maybe you're right.

Dude, if you're cool

and I'm your best friend,

dude, that makes me cool, too.

Yes!

Amy's such an airhead.

We have high impact double step speed aerobics

in an hour and she forgot her outfit.

And, dork, why do you take a shower before you work out?

Josh is going to be there.

Geez, Deb, you want me to smell or something?

Kell.

Look, I... I know that you're pissed at Scott right now,

but in a day or two, things will look different.

Not a chance in hell.

I hate that egotistical son of a bitch.

You were kidding about going to prom with that geek, weren't you?

His name is Virgil

and I was only half kidding.

Jesus, Kellie, do you wanna destroy your reputation totally?

What's so bad about Virgil?

Maybe he's a bit of a nerd, but...

A bit? Get real.

He's not bad looking, and he's smart

and there's sort of an innocent charm about him.

Are we talking about the same guy?

Maybe you don't see it, but he's more of a man than you think.

Mature, sophisticated,

even worldly.

Top that, bro.

Okay.

Gas mask! Gas mask! Oh, my God.

I gotta use your bathroom.

I'm gonna get going.

Okay, but you know, just think carefully before you do something you'll regret.

Look, Deb, Virgil really saved my butt.

If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't graduate.

What he did for me was very gallant.

Gallant?

Yeah, like one of King Arthur's knights.

Oh, maybe you should buy him a suit of armor.

You know, I really wanna do something nice for him.

Well, he's probably still a virgin.

Why don't you just fuck him?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Oh, God, tell me you're joking.

Relax.

Not me, but Amy did give me a great idea.

I caught one.

Yeah?

KELLIE: Virgil.

Hi, Kellie.

Um...

I'm just over at Debbie's house

and we're talking about what a cool guy you are.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What you did for me was very gutsy.

I just don't know what I can do to thank you.

Oh, dude! Blow job!

I'm glad that I was able to help. That's all.

That's what I like about you, Virgil. You're so nice.

Thanks.

I was thinking, if you're not doing anything tomorrow night,

maybe you can come over to my house.

We could, you know, have dinner, just kind of hang out.

On a school night?

Well, we could make it Friday if you want.

No, tomorrow night is great.

It's better. It's perfect.

Okay.

Well, my address is 234 Ashbrook

and I guess I'll see you about 6:00?

Okay, 6:00.

Okay.Bye.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

I don't believe this. You and Kellie Guthrie alone together.

Just the two of you.

Oh, man, this is so great.

What's the matter?

Holy shit, Dwayne.

I'm gonna spend a whole evening alone with Kellie Guthrie?

I've never spent that much time alone with a girl before.

What if I can't think of anything to say,

or what if I just ramble on or I can't...

What if she finds out that I'm really just, you know, a dork?

Virge,

you're not a dork, okay?

So knock that shit off.

Look, Kellie invited you, no one else.

Out of all the guys in school, Kellie invited you.

You're so cool. You're the Ice King.

Till I melt down.

No way, dude.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

You just listen to your old buddy.

All you gotta do is think John Travolta.

John Travolta?

Yeah, as in Saturday Night Fever.

Oh, man, that was so cool.

He was, like, the coolest dude that ever lived.

So that's all I gotta do, is just act like John Travolta.

No, not act like.

You gotta be John Travolta.

It's all a matter of attitude.

Well, attitude and a condom.

Oh! Virge!

We're talking hump city here, you know?

Slipping her the sausage, stuffing the weenie, reeling out the old snake.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about getting your V card punched.

Her parents are gonna be there, for Christ sake.

Oh, man, her parents are old.

They're, like, 40.

They'll be asleep by 9:00.

Okay.

Okay.

I was saving this for myself, but what the hell,

what are friends for?

That's okay. I'll just...

I'll pick one up myself.

All right.

Not that I'm gonna need it.

Attitude, man.

Look, think John Travolta and you will prevail.

You are the Ice King.

You know something, Dwayne, you're right.

I know.

Kellie invited me. Me, Virgil Heitmeyer.You. You.

The Heitmeister.

I'm cool.You're hot.

I am the Ice King.

I am John Travolta!

Hey, hey, hey. Virge, Virge.

Hey, hey, Virgil, Virgil,

you think Debbie would go out with me if I asked her?

You never know till you try.

But I don't even have her phone number.

Dude, you don't need her phone number.

Star 69.

Mmm?

Remember. John Travolta, hmm?

Hello?

Hey, Debbie. Hey, it's me, Dwayne.

Yeah, Virgil's friend?

You sure you got the right number?

Well, I was sort of wondering

if you weren't busy tomorrow evening,

maybe me and you could, well, you know, sort of

hang out?

With you?

Uh, yeah.

I guess I'll take that as a no.

Big fat fuck.

Sure.

Go ahead and shit on me.

Everyone else does.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

What the hell are you doing?

Come on, hurry up and get dressed.

Look, we gotta get to school early today.

The sun isn't even up yet.

Yes, it is. Please, Virge, I need your help.

Come on, I'll explain later.

This has gotta be a nightmare.

Geez, Dwayne.

I could've slept for another hour, you know.

Oh, you could've slept for another hour.

I haven't slept all night.

So what is this, misery loves company?

It's Debbie.

What about her?

I've been turned down by girls before. Lots of times, actually.

So I'm pretty much used to it,

but I have never, ever, ever have been shot down like that.

It was pretty brutal.

Well, she's not gonna get away with it.

You're not thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?

No.

I'm thinking of doing something smart.

Okay, because I'm familiar with your past schemes,

and the fact that you haven't been expelled or thrown into jail, for that matter,

I just kind of chalk up to pure dumb luck.

See, this is different.

Remember my Uncle Carmine I was telling you about?

The one with the spy shop downtown?

Right.

Okay.

Get off me.

Okay.

Stop.

Okay. You're the lookout.

You see anybody coming, you knock

three times.

Okay.

What's that gonna do?

I don't know. It'll give me a chance to hide or something.

In the girls' room?

Just do it, okay? We're running out of time.

Okay, but you still haven't told me what we're doing yet.

Okay.

Margaret Lapinski told me that every morning before first period,

Debbie goes into the last stall in the girls' bathroom.

She's pretending to take a leak,

but what she's actually doing is grabbing a smoke.

What's that?

A miniature TV camera.

Oh, no kidding.

Uncle Carmine's got all kind of shit like this.

Receiver, transmitter,

anything the miniature camera can see can be sent to any television I want.

Oh, okay.

No. Are... Are you sure about this?

I mean, this could totally backfire on you.

Oh, after what Debbie did to me,

I would say it's worth the risk.

So, are you with me, bro?

Come on.To the bitter end.

All right. Let's go get her.

Showtime.

Dude, here she comes.

♪ From our first little kiss

♪ To our last goodbye

♪ When I think of you

♪ I just wanna die

♪ There should be a law

♪ Against the pain you caused

♪ Lookin' innocent

♪ Hope you're suffering

♪ Oh, yeah You make it hard on me

♪ Oh, yeah You stole my heart from me ♪

What do you people think you're doing?

You!

To the principal's office.

Now!

And as for the rest of you,

when I find out who was responsible for this outrage,

and I will find out, believe me.

The culprit or culprits will wish they had never been born.

Yes!Yes!

Oh, man, we did it.

Who said revenge isn't so sweet?

It was awesome. It was fucking awesome.

Dude, forget about all the detention she's gonna get.

Wait till her parents get a hold of her.

She's gonna be grounded for the rest of her life.

And we need to go to the drugstore.

What for?

Duh, you and Kellie tonight.

Bedroom Olympics.

No, you see, I got that all covered.

My dad, he keeps a secret stash by his bed.

So, you know, it's not like he's gonna miss one.

You mean, your parents actually...

Yeah, it's not a pretty picture, is it?

No.

So, do you know how to use a condom?

What's to know?

Geez, man, there is a technique.

I mean, you don't wanna be fumbling around

while Kellie's lying there waiting for you.

Hi, Kell.

Besides, I mean, if you're taking too long fumbling and stumbling,

well, you know you could... Well...

Before you even get to Kellie.

Trust me on this one.

Okay, what's the technique?

Got any bananas at home?

What, are you hungry?

Okay, now hand me the raincoat.

Hmm?The condom.

Mmm, right, right, right.

Okay. Now, the thing is,

you need two hands to do this correctly.

Technique.Right.

Okay, so what we have to do now is...

Okay, you hold the banana right there, while I put the rubber on.

Wait a minute. Something's not right here.

Ah! See, you don't put the condom on someone else,

you put a condom on yourself.

No shit. No shit.

That's it. Shut up, you fleabag. I will feed you to the cat.

Wait, wait, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.What?

Could you forget about the parrot for a second,

and, you know, focus?

Okay, I'll deal with you later.

Page me, sweetheart.

Okay. Get behind me.

I'm sorry?

Just do what I said. Get behind me and reach around.

Uh...

Okay, look at that. What's going on?

Relax.

Just hold the banana out in front of me.

All right.Okay?

So, what you do now is,

you take the condom from its wrapping, okay?

Uh-huh.There you go.

Place it on the tip of your dick.

Gently, gently.Okay. Okay. Okay, yeah.

And you just start unrolling it.

Oh, yeah.

Just like that. You see? You see how that works?

Yes.Technique.

Yeah, I like that.You like that?

Yeah.I like it, too.

Stanley!

I can't let you do this, Kellie.

I'm your best friend and I cannot stand by and watch you ruin your life.

Are you okay?No!

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and the geek.

You and Virgil spending the evening together.

That's what I'm talking about.

Debbie, you and I have been good friends for a long time, so I appreciate your concern.

But this is really none of your business.

But it is. Can't you see?

As my friend, everything you do reflects on me.

I spend an entire lifetime building this incredibly cool reputation

and you're gonna tear it apart in five minutes?

So, let me get this straight. This really isn't about me, it's about you.

Well, yes, but Kellie...

It's about you, too.

I mean, this is what life is all about.

If you can't be cool if you can't be popular,

if you're not seen with the right people,

then, well, what's the point of going to school at all?

Oh, okay. Just go home, Deb.

I can't deal with this right now.

I need to get to the kitchen.Listen, Kell...

I was just wondering...

I mean, I'm probably gonna be grounded for a really long time,

but I was just thinking that maybe after that, if you didn't mind,

if it'll be okay with you if I... If I go after Scott.

You know, sure, that will be great.

I actually think you two would make a really great couple.

Really?Oh, really.

Gee, thanks, Kell.Oh, sure.

Bye.

Hi.

You're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's kind of a long story, but me and Virge, well,

we sort of had a problem with a banana.

Bananas are not on your diet. Way too many carbs.

The problem was not eating the banana, it was putting the con...

Forget it.

What are you wearing? I thought you'd never been jogging before.

My mom forced me to fat camp.

Okay. Two miles today, then tomorrow we up it to three miles.

Two miles? Like in miles?

Mmm-hmm. And if we keep up a good pace,

we can burn up to 1,000 calories per mile.

But two miles?

We made a pact in school this morning, Dwayne.

Or have you forgotten?

No, I know we made a pact,

both to lose 20 pounds before the senior prom, but...

Right. And this is the only way we can do it.

But two miles?Dwayne!

Am I glad that's over.

I couldn't have gone another foot.

Dwayne, we've only gone a quarter of a mile.

What? Come on, Margaret.

You don't want me to have a heart attack, do you?

I mean, if I had a heart attack, who would take you to prom?

Okay. Maybe we're pushing it for today.

But tomorrow we go again, right?

You got it.

You'll see, Dwayne, all the good things that can come from exercise!

It's like working up a healthy appetite.

Bring on the dogs.

Aw, come on.

I know times are tough, but I like a lot of sauerkraut.

Kid, it's none of my business,

but you gotta go easy on this sauerkraut.

Are you kidding? This is the healthiest thing I've eaten all day.

All year.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Pull over, pull over.

I'm gonna have some fun with that fat fuck.

DWAYNE: So how many now was that? Four?

Six.Six?

Hey, dickhead. How's it going?

Where's that little geek pal of yours?

Come on, get over here.

Well, I got a message for him and you're gonna deliver it.

You got that, tubby?

Just back off, Scott. I'm starting to feel ill.

You hear that, guys? Poor baby's starting to feel ill.

ALL: Aw.

Listen to me, you little shit.

If I catch Virgil anywhere near Kellie,

I'm gonna pound him into the ground.

And then, I'm coming after you.

Just for the fun of it.

Okay, just don't push me again, Scott.

I'm warning you.

You're warning me?

Oh, hell, no. Not my car, we ain't.

You know, I'm hungry again.

Let's go for number seven.

♪ Oh, can't you see I'm your imaginary lover?

♪ Your body's moving 'cause I'm making it

♪ I am, I am, I am Your unreal lover

♪ And I could feel when you're faking it

♪ Come on, be my imaginary lover

♪ Come on, let's get intertwined

♪ Make believe and you will see

♪ There's more than meets the eye

♪ When your eyes meet mine

♪ Yeah, when your eyes meet mine

♪ Imaginary lover

♪ And when you imagine a life, put on ♪

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Oh, yeah, right there, baby.

Hello.

Yeah, hi, it's me. I'm getting ready to leave.

Okay, hey, remember what I told you.

John Travolta.

Right. Got it.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Doing what?

Look, can I call you tomorrow? Oh!

Oh, baby! Yeah. Oh!

Think Travolta.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, Virgil!

Oh, my gosh, my baby. Virgil, are you okay?

Let me look at your head.

Oh, it's just a little bump. It's just a little bump. It's okay.

There you go.

Oh, okay.

Well, you look pretty spiffy.

And you got some roses. What are you, going on a date?

As a matter of fact...

Oh!

Kellie Guthrie.

Is that the Kellie you were drooling over?

Mmm, yeah. That's the one.

Okay. That's my boy.

Oh. Oh, are you sure you should go, though?

You might have a concussion and...

Oh, he's okay. A little bump on the head's not gonna hurt him.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you know what, I'm kind of running late.

Can I borrow the car?

Absolutely. I got it all gassed up, ready to go.

Ow!

Thanks. Bye.Okay.

Hey, Virge, get lucky.

You know, speaking of getting lucky...

You devil.

Race you to the bedroom.

I'll beat you.Oh!

Shit!

FRANCINE: Monkey. Swing me, baby.

STANLEY: Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah.

John Travolta. John Travolta. John Travolta.

Okay. Okay.

♪ Been walkin' all over Kentish Town

♪ Trying my best to track you down

♪ One, nine, two and four, one, one

♪ Eight, six, seven, five, three-oh-nine

♪ Walkin' all over Camden Town

♪ Doctor, Doctor Give me the news

♪ Got a bad case of lovin' you

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ How I love my radio

♪ I saw this woman She had it going on

♪ I saw this moron His head would seem gone

♪ If I play my cards right, there's going to be no joker

♪ I'd give my side

♪ You've heard the story

♪ Don't you know that unique got so bleak

♪ Is what I witnessed He treating her bad

♪ And I don't want her to be sad

♪ I'm here to protect and serve

♪ The world is going down There's a new sheriff in town

♪ The world is going down

♪ There's a new sheriff in town

♪ The world is going down There's a new sheriff in town ♪

Ah!

I stuck...

Oh, well, these are for you.

They're lovely.

Virgil, thank you. That's very thoughtful of you.

Come on in.

Make yourself at home.

I will find something to put these in.

How did you know that I like roses?

Oh, I don't know. You just seem like a roses kind of person to me.

You're late. I was beginning to worry about you.

You were?

Yeah. I mean, you're the kind of person who's always on time.

You're very responsible.

Thanks.

So, what happened?

Huh?

Oh, it was a long story.

There were sprinklers and they were like, and stuff.

But it's okay. Now it's all good.

Good.

Unfortunately, I have some bad news.

What?

My grandmother's ill. She lives in Santa Barbara,

so my folks drove up to be with her.

They're not gonna be back till tomorrow.

So it's just you and me.

You're gonna have to put up with my cooking.

Oh! Well, that's... That's great.

I mean, not about your grandmother 'cause that's not...

That's not great at all. That's bad, but your cooking.

So that's great. I look forward to eating you.

To your cooking. To eating your cooking, not your...

Well, you know.Yeah.

Oh, God. Here. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Do you wanna try to get up?

Okay.Okay.

Here, okay. Under your arms. Ready?

Slow.

Where does it hurt?Um...

Well...Over here?

Little lower, actually.

Over here?

Yes.

I think we better have dinner.

Okay.

Smells good.

Mmm.

Was everything okay?

Oh, it was great. It was incredible. You are one good cook. Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed everything.

Really good.

And so how's your back doing?

Hmm? Oh, it's... It's fine.

It's fine. It's great. The pain is very mild.

That's good. My dad has back problems,

so I know how painful they can be.

Well, it's much better, really.

So, can I help you clean up?

Oh, no. Clarietta, will get them in the morning.

So what do you wanna do now?

Well, what I'd like to do is tear your clothes off and fuck your brains out.

What would you like to do?

Wanna shoot some baskets?

Baskets? Um...

Like basketball. You do play, don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do. Yes.

Yes, I'm a regular Toby Ryan.

Great. Come on.

Virge, your turn.

Balls.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, is there anything I can do?

Well, you could put it in your mouth and keep it there

for two hours or so until it stops hurting,

whichever takes longer.

I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Oh. Oh, you poor baby.

Oh, I know just what'll make you feel better.

A hot Jacuzzi.

Well, it'll help your back and your...

Well, everything.

Okay?Mmm.

You wanna get up? Okay.Yeah.

Okay.

Okay?Okay.

I'm good. Come on.

I'll get the door for you.

Here's one of my dad's bathing suits.

You can just put it on in there.Thanks.

And, Virge, I want you feeling better.

I have a little surprise for you later, okay?

Hi, Kell.

What are you doing here?

Whoa. Whoa, what happened to, "Hi, Scott?"

I'm really busy right now.

Oh, come on, Kell, I just wanna talk to you for a minute.

Hey, whose car is out front?

Somebody over here?

Oh, that would be none of your business.

Now you and your boys need to go.

Christ. I turn my back for five minutes,

you're already screwing around with somebody else?

What does it take to get through that thick skull of yours?

You and I, if there ever was a you and I, are through.

Finished. Kaput. Now, like I said befre, I'm really busy.

Yeah?Yeah.

Doing what?

Entertaining a guest.

SCOTT: Why do you always think I'm trying to start a fight?

KELLIE: 'Cause that's what you do, Scott.

You've got a typical jock mentality.

Just because I happen to be a great athlete

doesn't mean I don't care about people.

Jesus, Scott, the only person you've ever cared about was yourself.

You're jealous, aren't you?

That's what this is all about.

Well, it's not my fault that girls find me irresistible.

You don't have a clue, do you?What?

You are the shallowest, most narcissistic human being I've ever known.

You've got some guy over here, don't you?

Scott, give it a rest.

Who is it?

Just get out of here, Scott. I mean it.

No, not until you tell me who it is.

What, so you can get into a fight,

show me what a macho jerk you are?

DWAYNE:

I'm busy cooking dinner for my donkey.

Shit!

Would you just get out of here, Scott? Now! I mean it.

No. It's not my fault that girls find me irresistible.

Damn it, Kellie, stop playing head games with me.

I don't give a damn what you say.

You and I belong together and that's the way it's gonna be.

Stop it, Scott.

Hey, you...

You just let her go.

No, it's okay, Virgil. Scott was just leaving.

Like hell I am.

This is the little shithead you've been fucking around with?

You get out of here, Scott, right now.

I mean it.

What?

And who's gonna make me? You skinny little dork.

My arm's broken.

It's my throwing arm.

You son of a bitch, you broke my arm.

I'm gonna sue the shit out of you. My dad's a lawyer.

Yeah, you do that, Scott.

I'm sure everyone in school will love to hear how Virgil broke your arm.

Come on, Scott, let's go.

Careful! God! Get me to an emergency room.

Hurry up. Oh, shit. Coach is gonna kill me.

Well, what do you think, Sir Galahad?

Shall we try the Jacuzzi now?

Huh.

All ready?

Well, that's a bathtub.

It's a Jacuzzi.

Oh, come on, we're in our bathing suits.

Virgil, this will be good for you.

Come on.

Oh! Oh, oh, sorry.

It's hot.

Is the bathing suit okay?

Yes, it's great. It's, you know, roomy.

And how are you feeling now?

Oh, my back is fine.

I meant the other.

That's fine. That's great.

Not that it's, you know, great.

It's just, it doesn't... Doesn't hurt anymore.

So, I wanted to thank you

for having me over tonight.

Oh, it was the least I could do.

I mean, after what you did for me.

You were so brave

and I'm not talking about what you did with Scott just then.

I mean the way you stood up to Klausman.

He didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

Guess it was kind of funny.

Why did you do it?

Well, I guess I just

didn't like the way that Klausman was talking to you, that's all.

Yeah, but you could've gotten in a lot of trouble,

and for someone you hardly knew.

I mean, I've never even really been friendly towards you.

And to tell you the truth, Virgil, I hardly knew you existed.

I know that.

Then why?

Because I thought you were

the most beautiful, most wonderful girl.

And I knew that... I don't know. I...

I knew a guy like me could never be with a girl like you, but...

I mean, 'cause you could have anybody that you wanted, you know?

You could... Like Scott,

someone who's handsome and athletic and all that stuff.

I mean, I can't... I can't compete with that.

But still, I dreamed.

And when Klausman started in on you, I just...

I just felt I had to do something.

Don't put yourself down like that, Virgil.

You have so much more going for you than that jerk Scott.

And I'm glad you did what you did.

Otherwise we wouldn't have a chance together like this.

Me, too.

You are nothing like I thought you'd be.

How's that?

Well...

I don't know, a girl like you, you know, I mean, beautiful...

Sometimes they can be really shallow.

And they just don't care about anybody else, but you're different.

You care about other people.

I care about you, Virge.

I care about you, too, Kellie.

Uh...

Oh, um...

That, uh,

surprise I was telling you about.

I guess it's here.

Oh, uh...

Uh... Uh...

Well, come on, Virge, this is for you.

Um, just...

Just wrap the towel around you and follow me.

Great.

Just go in there.

Am I on time?

Yeah, just on time.

Are you Virgil Heitmeyer?

Yes.

I'll be in the other room.

Well, then you are under arrest.

What did I do?

Oh, it's not what you did, Virgie. It's what I'm gonna do to you.

Usually I just dance.

But tonight, Virgie, tonight you're gonna get it all.

That was quick.

You can say that again.

Why? What happened?

That's the point, nothing happened.

You don't think he's, like, gay, do you?

No.

Not a chance.

♪ There is a place

♪ There is a time to love you

I guess my idea of a surprise wasn't so great.

♪ You like to move

♪ Nobody's wrong

♪ But it's time to move on

♪ We're no less than angels

♪ I'm only guessing

Oh.

You know, you're an unusual boy, Virgil.

I don't know too many guys who would've passed up an opportunity like that.

Yeah? Neither do I.

Then why did you?

Because this has been the most wonderful night of my life,

and the reason is because I was with you.

I mean,

If I had, you know, with her,

it would've spoiled everything.

And I just didn't want that to happen.

So you mean being with me would've been okay?

No, it would've been perfect.

♪ Rock me gently

♪ No less than angels

Let's go for perfect.

♪ I'm only guessing

♪ I believe it

♪ In this heart of mine

So, do you know how to use a condom?

What's to know?

Geez, man, there is a technique.

What you do now is, you take the condom

from it's wrapping, okay?

Uh-huh.There you go.

Place it on the tip of your dick.

Gently, gently.Okay, okay.

Okay. And then you just start unrolling.

Look at that.

DWAYNE: Technique.

Can I help you with that?

No, I'm fine.

You were so much

better than I thought you would be.

♪ I want to groove

♪ I want to groove All night with you ♪

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

Baby, are you all right?

Um...

Speak to me, baby.

Oh, I think he's coming around.

Oh, shit.

What?

Maybe we should get him to the emergency room.

I mean, he could have a concussion.

Well...

It's just a little bump on the head. It's no big deal.

I should get going.

Hey, what's the hurry?

And why are you so dressed up and carrying roses?

I have a date.

Oh!

With a girl?

Yes, with a girl.

Really, dear, who is she?

Kellie Guthrie.

Is that the Kellie that you've been drooling over?

Yeah.

Have we not had this conversation before?

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Oh, can I borrow the car?

Well, of course you can.

Hey.

Right.

Well, bye.

I'm going.

Are you sure you're all right, dear?

Yes, Mom, I'll be fine.

Hey, Virge, get lucky.

Right.

You guys aren't planning on

doing anything when I leave, are you?

Like...

You know, never mind, just forget I said anything.

Just, see you.

♪ Luft balloons, I got 99

♪ Senses workin' overtime

♪ I got one, two, three, four, five

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ How I love my radio

♪ Every song on the radio

♪ Is about you and me

♪ Now I miss you

♪ I saw this woman She had it going on

♪ I saw this moron His head would seem gone

♪ If I play my cards right, there's going to be no joker

♪ I'd get my side

♪ You've heard the story

♪ Don't you know that unique got so bleak

♪ Is what I witnessed He treating her bad

♪ And I don't want her to be sad

♪ I'm here to protect and serve

♪ The world is going down There's a new sheriff in town

♪ The world is going down There's a new sheriff in town

Ah!

♪ The world is going down

I stuck...

These, which are for you.

Oh!

They're lovely.

Thank you, Virgil. That was very thoughtful of you.

Come on in.

Just make yourself at home.

I'll find something to put these in.

How did you know I liked roses?

How is your grandmother?

Oh, not so good.

My parents drove to Santa Barbara to be with her.

How did you know about my grandmother?

Oh, um... Wild guess.

♪ Would you give me just one look my way

♪ Make my day

Yes!

♪ The movies and the dinners Yeah, they've been lots of fun

♪ But when I bring you to your door

♪ I hope we're not done

♪ But I'm a little shy and scared to make the first move

♪ So, please invite me in so we can get in the groove

♪ Let's do it, let's do it Let's get it done

♪ Let's do it, let's do it Come on over now

♪ Let's get the sex out of the way

♪ Let's stop pretending What do you say

Okay, you son of a bitch. I've taken all the shit I'm gonna take from you.

Now it's payback time.

Gotcha!Oh, damn bird!

♪ Let's get the sex out of the way

♪ So we can concentrate on love ♪

♪ My girl has a wicked style

♪ From her lips to her tits and don't you forget that mind

♪ My friend I'll say I'm through

♪ They all think I'm whipped 'Cause I'm down with you

♪ In this world It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss the one you love

♪ Then she drops by

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ And when I hear that lock turn

♪ You're mine

♪ Anytime of day Anytime of night

♪ Come without a warning I've got nothing to hide

♪ There used to be a day

♪ As with traffic that came by

♪ Ex-girlfriend, drug, my friend

♪ You know what it's like

♪ In this world

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ When you miss the one you love

♪ Then she drops by

♪ My girl, she's too

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ You've got the key to my door

♪ And when I hear that lock turn

♪ You're mine

♪ And when I hear that lock turning ♪