Original subtitles

I saw your ad and I was like wow,

wow this is too good to be true.

Oh.

Glad to hear it.

Yeah and what you are charging is normal price.

I'm like, okay, cool.

You know and then I see the place

and I'm like oh so they don't need my money,

you know, 'cause what they're charging

doesn't even cover the cable bill

'cause they probably pay for their own apps

instead of like borrowing like 16 different passwords.

Ahh okay.

Ethan, did you have any questions for us?

Yeah, how much is the couch?

No no I've seen this couch before

and this thing is fucking expensive.

What are you guys, like hedge fund millionaires

or something?

What are you, Dennis Quaid's children?

Like bitch, what am I even doing with my life?

I have an entry level position at a shitty law firm

in Koreatown and you guys have a mansion with a backyard

on what is this, a private island?

I mean, should I just like move back to De Moines,

stop pretending I'm not a total fuck up like my stepdad,

who may or may not have beat me when I was a kid

and made me cover the bruises in foundation

and chunky scarves?

Fuck, that chandelier is beautiful.

I just graduated from theater school in Michigan.

Yes, I'm an MT.

Sorry, that's musical theater.

Oh, but eventually you guys should totally see my cabaret.

I can't.

Okay.

That bullshit.

Everybody pisses in the shower.

I guess, yeah.

Sure, sure.

Sometimes I even poop in there.

Excuse me?

Oh, it's not a problem.

You mash it up.

You just mash potato that shit with your foot

and get it all into the drain

and you just live your life.

Well I guess what I bring to the table is experience

because I am a father

to this beautiful chi-

this is my son.

This is, this is,

I can't believe I'm saying it myself.

This is my, my beautiful baby boy.

And you will be his godparents

because it takes a village

and over the years, as we raise this magnificent child together-

I'm not a homo.

I don't got no problem with queers

or whatever you call yourself

but I would like to show you my body.

Please.

What was that, Steven?

Interesting that you brought your cat

after we made it clear that pets are not allowed

in the building.

No no no no no no, this is not my pet.

I'm sorry?

This is my Uncle, and he has a message for you.

There will be a great storm-!

Thanks for coming by.

Of course,

thank you!

It's been a long time since I've been touched by anyone.

And being adopted,

you can imagine I have abandonment issues.

I said it, there.

It's out on the table.

We're gonna get to know each other

so you might as well know now.

The thing about my body,

mmmmmmm,

it has movement in it

and I have love to give people.

And, and what was your last name Anna?

Biotics.

Anna Biotics.

Amazing.

Tell us about you.

Well, let's see.

I like gardening.

Family's the most important thing to me,

especially my grandma.

During the days, I work as a nurse practitioner

and then at night, I get a little crazy.

That's when I volunteer at the youth shelter.

Oh those kids are incredible.

And then in my spare time,

I cook!

I went to the culinary institute,

so I like to make full gourmet dinners every night

and there's always extra.

I like her.

Me too.

Anna, do you wanna live with us?

No.

No I don't.

Listen, this is gonna be weird

and it's a little embarrassing for me.

So don't shame me.

I hope that this is gonna work out.

Okay here goes.

I identify as a baby.

So part of what makes a living situation successful

for me is to be acknowledged as a baby

and okay, this is gonna sound weird...

So he finally shows up totally out of breath

and he tells her about the life he saw

and the kids he imagined,

and he begs her not to go

and finally she says okay lets get coffee,

and they get coffee.

And that is the plot

of "The Family Man" starring Nicholas Cage.

- Oh. - Now we know.

So Blaine, by the way I like your name. Blaine.

So notice how Nate brought you a beer.

We don't drink beer.

I drink beer.

He doesn't.

We're very excited to have straight company.

I love that you guys just assume that I'm straight.

- But your Instagram. - Wait, your-

I mean, I am,

but assumptions, man.

Oh, wow. This guy.

We don't like gay people.

Or straight people.

Really just people.

But we're very accepting.

That is so cool.

You actually just missed our mothers

and my brother and sister, all straight.

And we accept them.

If you were to live with us,

they would probably try to come by sometimes

and we would try to warn you in advance.

Usually they just drop by, you know, like,

no warning.

So Blaine, do you have family nearby?

Well, my dad is overseas, active duty.

Syria, go Hawks,

and my mom died when I was a kid.

- Sorry. - Oh, oh, oh,

if want my mom to not come around so much--

- I didn't say that. - No no no,

if it's ever like oh oh, too many moms,

like if that's ever a trigger for you.

Because it is for us.

I'll be like mom no, nuh uh.

And she won't listen.

She really won't.

Okay you guys are funny.

I'm funny.

He's got a six pack.

Let's not rock the boat.

Oh, God, that might be her.

Hide the drugs.

It's the landlord.

Uh oh Luke, put away the meth!

You can just disregard-

My name is Ruth.

A little about me.

I collect birds and I feel terrible for my age.

Oh wow.

Welcome to the building.

If you need anything fixed,

we don't do toilets,

we don't do lights.

Only pre-war freezers and carpets are banned.

I'll turn-- - I'm sorry, what?

I'll turn things off but never on.

I'll install window guards on your tub.

I'll enter your apartment unannounced

but only in the morning,

and I'll never read your mail, sometimes.

Okay.

Well, I'm Nate, hi,

and this is my boyfriend, Luke.

Oh yes, that reminds me,

especially since I was just imagining you two having sex.

We enforce quiet hours,

especially since we have so many tenants who are working

on screenplays.

Okay I don't have a screenplay.

Well if you're brainstorming,

I've always wanted to play a sexy zookeeper.

Save that tiger.

Kill that fish.

I'm thinking a floor length gown.

Oh, I see that for you.

And remember: no loud noises.

Okay.

Oh that's too loud.

Here's a fine.

Did you come prepared with this?

She's fabulous.

Sorry about that.

Where were we?

I was just googling you guys and

Luke, awesome Instagram,

plus I saw some of your stock photos

in an article about Kate Beckinsale's favorite allergies.

I do what I love.

And Nate, I searched everywhere for you.

Could only find your disabled Friendster profile.

Started getting kinda sad.

It was like you died in 2006

but then I see you were selling teacups on Ebay.

Rootin' for ya, buddy.

So, are we doing this?

Are we roomies?

Give Luke and me a second to talk.

Capiche.

Cable's set up if you wanna turn on SportsCenter

or ESPN.

I did some high school wrestling.

Oh great.

In college.

We'll be right back.

Well, he's an idiot,

but I can't fault someone with a dead mom

and a military dad.

He probably moved around his whole childhood.

I think he's lying.

Why would he lie about that?

No, about being straight.

What?

Did you see how he was looking at me?

No, I didn't.

He was like undressing me with his eyes.

When?

When did this happen?

I mean if you aren't concerned

with a closeted creeper in the middle of the night.

I'm really not.

Sniffing my dirty socks when we're not home.

How are you my boyfriend?

Wearing my underwear.

Pressing his ear against the door when we have sex.

Flicking his little,

flicking his little nips-

All right, fine we'll find someone else!

No, he's great I like him.

"Chatty Chad!"

What if I had the power to stop time

so the President finally listens to us?

You're not who your teachers told you to be.

Used to love this show.

You're extraordinary.

Aaron Rispoli's so good.

You're free.

So, we've decided we'd like you to be our new roommate.

You're the pretty one.

And you're the naughty one.