Original subtitles

Why is my shirt damp? Why?!

Okay.

Wrinkle-prevent.

Okay... Okay...

Nate.

Nathan.

Judy. - What?

I need you to caption this for me.

No, I can't, I can't think right now.

Come on, it's just a sentence! So it's not just my abs but my abs and something funny.

“For just fifty cents a day, you can sponsor a child like this one.”

- That's good. - Well, ya know...

Hey, I'm not gonna give you any credit on this, okay?

- Goddamnit...

Fifty likes already.

Luke, what do I do? He's gonna be here in like five minutes.

You’ll be fine. Just be cute, order an appetizer.

Do not tell him what you do for a living.

Well, yeah, I don’t do anything.

Right, and no one wants to hear that your parents pay for this apartment.

Or that you give back by tweeting about worthy causes.

Ooh, I’ll tell him I’m in sales.

Let’s pick out a different shirt, okay?

No, I have to wear this one.

Why? All your shirts look exactly the same.

Seriously Nate, going shopping with you is like the least interesting part of my life.

Well I’m not you, I can’t just put on a tank top and call it a night.

First off, I never wear tank tops on dates, and second, when I do-

I never call it ‘a night.’

Sure. Sure.

So who is this guy? Another sad person on Grindr?

No, I’ve only ever been on one Grindr date and it was a total disaster.

What happened?

I always get nervous on dates. Not that I want to assume this is date.

But you know when you meet a guy and you’re like, is this the person I’ll spend the rest of my life with,

like do I have strong and true feelings for him, or is he just passing through on our never-ending quest toward fulfillment,

and you never really know until you connect and share something deep and meaningful,

and then you’re thinking, is this a date, is this not a date-

- It's not a date. - Yah- yah- Yes! I mean. That’s what I was gonna say! This is definitely not a date,

and I definitely don't have feelings for you- do you want some Kombucha?

Why are you like this?

It’s not on purpose! But this new guy, I met him at a coffee shop, he was behind me in line, and we started talking,

and then he um, he friended me on Facebook, and... now we’re going to dinner.

- Aww. - And he’s gonna be here any minute, and my shirt is not even dry, so-

Why don’t we find you another shirt? Okay?

Hmm...

Here. Put this on.

Okay.

Want to hear about the worst date I ever went on?

Okay?

I want you to say something for me.

Yeah? What do you want?

It’s a little, uh. It’s a little out there.

That’s okay.

Squeal like a dolphin for me.

Yeah... Yeah, sure...

NA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AY!

NA-A-A-A-A-A-AY!

A-A-A...

eh-eh-eh-eh...

What’s, what’s wrong?

Nothing, it's cool, I’m just like super sleepy all of a sudden.

Are you serious? I just squealed like a fucking dolphin!

Yeah well, it sounded like a horse. Do you honestly not know the difference between a horse and a dolphin?!

Give me some wiggle room, you know? Nate, you’re not even listening to me.

Oh, sorry, he’s gonna be here in a minute.

What’s his name?

Well, his name is Aaron but on Facebook it just says “Aaron From the Block.”

What. Show me his Facebook immediately.

- Wait, what?! - What?

- That’s the kid from the movie! - What movie?

He’s like, a big deal! He worked with Laura Dern!

- He did? - Yeah.

Nate, I’m impressed.

Oh no, oh God, I promised myself I woudn’t date actors in LA.

Wait, are people going to be like stopping him on the street? Is he like, famous?

What’s wrong with you?! If you guys start dating for real, you could meet Ms. Dern!

- I’m not ready for that! - Get ready!

- Hiii. - Heeeeey!

- Good to see you! - Thanks for picking me up.

At your service, m’lady...

Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I get really nervous on dates.

- That's okay! - Not that I want to assume this is date.

No - It’s... This is a date.

Good. Uh, you ready?

- Yeah! - Yeah. - Okay.

- Hey, I like your shirt. - Oh, thank you!