Original subtitles

Thought you'd like that.

- Oh God! - I know

"Exciting news coming soon, can't wait to share!"

Why is he shirtless?

That's how you celebrate good news, apparently.

Ugh, I have to unfollow him.

No! Who will send me screenshots of these things?

Wait, you don't follow him?

I can't give him that power.

You're afraid he's not gonna follow you back.

Mm, he has a lot of followers.

- I have a lot of follow- - How many do you have?

- I don't... - You know the number.

64,800-and...

- Jesus Christ! - 43, give or take.

I mean, I don't get it, I tweet witty th- like... jokes and,

and on instagram, too, I post really funny, sometimes very insightful photos,

and nobody even, nobody even cares, you know? You just post shirtless pictures of yourself.

But like, why is this hard for you to understand?

I have been doing Zumba every day for a month and nothing has changed.

- Wait, really? - Yeah, I have the DVDs.

You still have a DVD player.

- I exercise every- - "Exercise."

I work out every morning.

And then what do you eat?

Bagel and cream cheese.

You know, you'd have a lot more followers if you weren't so accessible.

- I am not SO accessible. - You're on Grindr.

- Everybody's on Grindr. - I'm not!

You know, I'm not as traditionally handsome as you, so it's not as easy for me-

- Fuck you, you're adorable. - Oh God.

You've got your witty tweets.

Okay, so, that, is that my "brand"?

Look, just, get off Grindr, okay? Please?

If you're horny and you can't find anyone, just, you know...

See what I'm up to.

Oh please, I don't want my friend to take pity on me, I just want to actually be wanted.

And... you're not even serious.

Yes I am.

What about Tyler?

What about him? We had like, a date.

Yeah. And how was it?

Good. We went to the pier.

And was it fun?

Parts of it.

But how would we like...

I mean, because this would be awkward, right?

I think that's on you, actually. I'm pretty sure I can handle it.

What if it's really bad?

Then we laugh about it.

And what if it's like...

...nice?

Oh well, right?

Okay, hold on a second, um, alright, I mean, are like, are you like,

are you even attracted to me?

- Of course! - What do you mean "of course"?

I wouldn't have suggested this, Nathan.

Nathan? You don't-

Where are you going? Come on!

Don't be such a boob, I'm just being silly!

- Oh. "What do I wanna do to you?" - Shhh!

Okay. Alright.

Oh my... Huhh uhhh...

- Is that a no, or? - No, that's not, that's not, it's like a, it's um...

It's a maybe.

Come here.

- I just had a bagel today. - I don't care.

- And toast. - Get over here.

- No, no, sorry, no, this is... - Nate!

- What... - I'm not...

What are you doing?

Like a week ago!

Yeah, for everything, yes, not just HIV.

Nate, come on, stop. Get over here!

- Holy shit. - What?

- Melissa Joan Hart just followed me on Twitter. - What, what?

"Clarissa Explains It All"?

No, I, I mean, I know who she is.

So random, right? Like, I've always felt sort of connected to her, you know?

Like, on TV, growing up, watching her on TV, I've just like,

always wanted her to be my friend, and here she is asking to be MY friend.

I mean I guess I thought we were gonna have sex, so.

Nate. It's Sabrina the Teenage Witch. We'll hook up another time!

"Just got cockblocked by a 90s sitcom star."

That's funny. I'll retweet it.

Thanks.