Original subtitles

[music playing]

[music - "carol of the bells"]

Ah, Christmas.

Yeah, that time of year again.

Oh, it's my favorite time of the year.

I love it.

I know what you mean.

It's like the whole world takes on a kind of a glow,

you know?

Like everything you see and hear,

taste and smell says, it's a very special season, the kind

of season to maybe just take a little time,

show a little love for everybody,

to all your fellow men, because it's Christmas.

[chuckles]

[tires squealing]

Hey!

Hey, you jerk, what do you think you're doing here?

What are-- you don't own the road!

Part of it's mine, you know?

- Mark, Mark, Mark. - Jerk!

- Mark. - What?

Christmas, remember?

I know that.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm looking for Mr. Burke. We're the temps.

PAUL BURKE: The temps!

[laugh] Great, there is a God in heaven.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Paul Burke.

This is my junior partner, Matty Burke.

How ya doin', junior partner.

I'm Jonathan Smith.

This is Mark Gordon.

Here's our resumes.

Smith, Gordon.

Smith, you're the attorney, and Gordon,

you're the investigator.

15 years Oakland PD, last three years

you've been freelancing in human resource development?

Yeah.

PAUL BURKE: Been a while since you practiced law, Smith?

Yeah, it's been a little while.

How are you on Santa Claus?

Santa Claus?

Yeah, I want to take Matty down

to Newman's to meet the fat man, you know what I mean?

And, uh, I have to appear before a crotchety judge.

So what I was thinking was that you guys

would come on down with us, keep an eye

on Matty until I get back.

What do you say?

No problem.

PAUL BURKE: Great.

You follow me over with your car.

[buzz]

WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Burke, I've got your ex on the line.

Oh, right.

Uh, OK.

One minute-- I got a little negotiation here.

Uh, hi, Donna?

Yeah, listen, I've run into a little snag here.

And I won't be able to get Matty home until 8:00, OK?

Uh-- wait-- wait a minute.

Slow down, will you?

Would you hold on a minute, will you?

What is the difference whether I bring him home at 6:00 or 8:00?

Fine.

Super.

I just want you to know one thing.

I have Matty this Christmas.

I was going to bring him by to see you,

just as a little gesture.

But if you insist on playing this petty game with me,

you can forget about seeing Matty on Christmas.

Fine!

I don't need to be at Matty's birthday party.

We'll make our own party.

Let's go see Santa.

[music playing]

[crowd murmuring]

Gosh, look at the size of that line.

Well, you better get a place if you want to see Santa today.

Right!

Listen, Smith, I hate to do this,

but I might have to leave before he's finished.

So you'd really be doing me a favor if you

dropped Matty off at my ex's.

Sure, no problem.

Ever been married, Smith?

Ah, once, a long time ago.

So you know what it's like.

CASHIER: Well, you know, I think--

[register beeping]

--I think the underwire in that one would

hold up a lot better after--

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the Santa thing.

Could you tell me where?

Right through that door.

Oh, thank you very much.

The lace insert on this would--

Merry Christmas.

You're number 28.

Have a seat and fill that out, please.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm just here for the Santa thing, you know?

This is it.

Have a seat.

No, no, I don't want a job.

I just want to know where Santa is.

Well, you want the toy department, third floor.

Oh, thank you.

Well, old-time, I hope you get the job.

I already got it.

I am Santa.

But thanks for the kind wish.

What's your name?

Mark, Mark Gordon.

Got it.

I'm putting you on the list.

Right.

Well, good luck.

All right, number 14, you can get started right away.

Go into the back and get fitted for a suit.

Oh, thanks, but I brought my own.

[imitating gunfire]

Boy, trying to find a parking place around here

is ridiculous.

Tell me.

Where's Burke?

Oh, he had to take off for that court date.

Oh, it's rough being a single parent, yeah.

Really rough, it's rough on all of them.

That's the assignment, isn't it?

Yeah, we got to figure out a way

to get the Burke's to stop being lawyers

and start being parents again.

And you'll get everything he want come Christmas morning.

You be a good little girl now.

Well, children, Santa's going to take just a little break,

and he'll be right back.

Hey, but I was next.

And you'll be first in line when Santa comes back.

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho!

What a gyp.

He's probably going back to the hit the bottle.

That's what they get to play Santa, a bunch of old drunks.

But he isn't Santa, isn't he?

Yeah, I bet you believe in the tooth fairy too.

I ain't waiting for that bum.

Oh, boy, am I glad my shift is over.

This is worse than dinner theater.

Listen, if the kid doesn't know what he wants,

the manager wants you to push the machine guns.

There's a pile of them right next to the chair.

They want Santa to push machine guns?

Well, machine guns, machetes, grenades, the whole arsenal.

Oh, and don't take too much time with them,

and keep them moving.

I've been at this a while, Fred.

I think I can handle it.

Good luck.

This Christmas, ask me about becoming a member

of the exterminator team?

What kind of Christmas is that?

[grunting]

[laughter]

Who's next?

Me, I guess.

[groans]

You forgot to say ho-ho-ho.

Well, I don't feel particularly jolly when I

see a bunch of junk like that.

Well, what's your name, sonny.

Matty Burke.

I don't know if I've been good or not.

How come, Matty?

Because everybody's mad all the time, even you.

Oh, I'm not mad, Matty.

Just a little ticked off when I see

what they're doing to Christmas, what

they're trying to do to me.

Oh, but Matty, I have been watching you all year.

And let me tell you, you're trying to be good,

you're trying to do better, and that's what counts.

You want to tell Santa what you want?

Oh, Matty that's a--

kind of rugged.

Wouldn't you like something the elves can paint?

Uh-uh, that's what I want.

Well, son, I won't lie to you.

Santa doesn't lie.

I can't promise you that I can get you what you want.

But I'll work on it.

Fair enough?

Fair enough.

Aw.

And Merry Christmas.

Santa, can I have a word with you?

You'll have to stand in line.

These kids are first.

I am Mr Grinchley, the manager.

Who authorized you to take down that sign?

And who authorized you to use my name

to push a bunch of machine guns so kids could play like they're

killing each other?

Does that sound like Christmas to you?

It sounds like business to me.

Well, we've got the whole problem there, haven't we, Bob?

Christmas isn't supposed to be a business.

It's supposed to be a spirit.

And you guys are using it and me to cram

these kids heads full of hate and violence,

instead of peace and love.

And it's ticking old Santa off.

You guys want to make a buck, go ahead.

But don't you use Santa to be a gunrunner for you.

You catch my drift, Grinchley?

You're fired.

Take off that suit.

This suit was made for me by my missus,

so get your mitts off it.

And you can't fire me 'cause I didn't get the job from you.

I got it from the boss upstairs.

I am the boss from upstairs.

SANTA: No, you're not.

You're just little Billy Grinchley.

And you're the same brat now you were

40 years ago, only now you're not just

picking on your little brother.

You're messing with the fat man now!

Children, all of this isn't Christmas.

Christmas doesn't belong to any department store.

It belongs to you.

It's what you feel in your heart.

And you can't get that with a credit card.

[applause]

Wee!

[laughter]

Ha!

That's the-- the only thing around here that's kind of fun.

You got the right spirit, old-timer.

Listen, I think you got a bum deal.

[laughs] That turkey thinks he can fire me.

Listen, my partner's an attorney, right?

He's on another assignment right now.

Here's our card.

If you want to fight to try to get your job back,

maybe, I mean maybe we can help you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Don't mention it.

We'll see you later.

[doorbell]

Hey, Mommy.

Oh, Matty, darling, I was beginning to wonder about you.

It's past 6:00.

Mrs. Burke, I'm Jonathan Smith.

I work for your husband.

He asked if we--

OK, so he couldn't even bring him by himself?

Look, you tell Mr Burke that the next time he--

[sighs] What's the use?

Matty, darling, Maria's going to give you dinner.

Mommy has an important meeting.

But when I get home, I'm going to come

in and kiss you goodnight.

And I'll see you tomorrow, OK?

Mommy, I saw Santa today!

You did?

Well, that's great.

Now you hurry up and go wash up.

JONATHAN SMITH: Mr Burke?

Yes.

I know it's none of my business.

But if you knew you were going to be out,

wouldn't it have been better for the boy

to have dinner with his father instead of with me?

You're right, Mr Smith.

It's none of your business.

[bells jingling]

[music playing]

[groans] Pat, do you have any aspirin?

You bet.

Starting the day off with a smile, huh?

Oh, I don't believe my ex.

She's taking me back to court over my kid.

She's filed a motion that says, for his emotional stability,

it's better that he should spend Christmas with his mother.

I don't believe that--

where's Smith, Gordon?

I want them to take some of the load off

so I can find something that I can nail

the former Mrs. Burke with.

They're in the conference room with a client.

A client? They're temps.

They don't have clients.

Yeah, maybe you ought to tell them that.

It'll probably get them off the hook.

They've got a real dilly from off the streets in there.

What are you talking about?

Does the phrase ho-ho-ho ring a bell?

I'll tell you, it makes me so mad I could spit.

Morning, Smith, Gordon.

Mr Burke.

And you are?

Santa Claus.

The Santa Claus?

Kind of awesome, ain't it?

In Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?

This is LA, kid.

It's 85 degrees out there.

You get a little sticky in red flannels.

JONATHAN SMITH: This, uh-- this gentleman was employed

as a department store Santa.

He objected to the use of Santa Claus

to help promote the sale of machine guns.

And commando knives and flamethrowers.

Flamethrowers!

They want Father Christmas to help them haul flamethrowers.

By golly, it'll be a frosty day in--

Uh, when he objected, they canned him.

And now he wants us to help him get his job back, right?

MARK GORDON: Well, yeah, that's kind of the idea, yeah.

Not the idea, that's not the idea at all.

I don't need the job.

I've got the job.

I've had it for 100 years.

They can't take diddly squat away from me.

But what they can do is take Christmas,

the spirit of Christmas, away from their children.

What are you gonna do, buzz them in your sleigh?

[chuckles] It's just a little joke, Santa.

Look, I'm a busy man.

Give my love to the elves.

I'll leave some cookies for you by the fireplace.

But I got to go prepare a brief against my ex-wife.

SANTA: Those guys over at Newman's are using my likeness

without authorization.

And if that isn't an invasion of privacy,

I don't know reindeer from bean dip.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Those guys where?

At Newman's department store, that's where.

Mr. Claus, consider yourself represented by counsel.

Smith, Gordon, I want you to drop everything else you're

doing, and I want you to devote full time

to the case of Claus versus Newman's Department Stores,

Inc.

We'd be happy to, Mr. Burke.

But do you mind telling me why he changed your mind?

Mrs. Burke.

Mrs. Burke?

[music playing]

The lovely ex Mrs. Burke, who just happens to be

chief corporate counsel for Newman's Department Stores,

Inc. [laugh]

John.

Hmm?

Is this is guy Santa Claus?

I mean, he isn't really.

Is he?

I can't tell.

What do you mean you can't tell?

You're an angel.

I mean, I can't tell.

I'm his lawyer.

He told me who he is in private.

I can't divulge that kind of information.

It's-- it's like part of lawyer-client privilege.

Oh, that's cute, John, cute.

Let's get it in gear.

What do you say?

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've call this press conference

today to announce certain legal actions

that have been filed with the court on behalf of our client.

My name is Jonathan Smith.

I'm here on behalf of the attorney of record,

Mr. Paul Burke, who represents our client, Santa Claus.

This is a joke, right?

JONATHAN SMITH: Well, not as far as we're concerned.

We have this day requested that the court

issue an injunctive order against Newman's Department

Store, Incorporated, demanding that they cease

and desist from using our client's name and likeness

in the promotion of products and values

that are contrary to the spirit of peace,

love, and goodwill toward all--

the very essence of Christmas.

Santa is ready to take your questions now.

Hi.

Is this a publicity stunt?

I don't need any publicity, son.

I'm pretty well known as it is, don't you think?

[laughter]

What do you hope to gain by all this?

Gain?

I don't hope to gain anything.

Gain isn't my business.

Giving is, the spirit of giving.

And nobody has to gain it.

All you got to do is give, and you got it.

And let me tell you something else,

while we're on the subject.

I think all moms and dads out there

ought to take the money that they would spend on one big toy

and give that money to charity, to cure a disease

or clothe the homeless or feed the hungry or brighten

some less fortunate child's Christmas.

And I think they ought to tell their kids

that that's what they're doing in their names out

of their love for them.

Because that way, you can give your kids

the most precious gift of all, the gift giving.

MAN (ON TV): --the LA Press Club, where the opening salvos

in the courtroom drama of Claus versus Newman's Department

Store have just been fired, by a man claiming

to be Saint Nick himself.

And from the response he's gotten

from some awfully cynical reporters here,

he might just be Santa at that.

Back to you, Bart.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Santa Claus, Mr. N-Newman.

I know who he thinks he is, Grinchley, you twit.

I'm not talking about him.

I'm talking about your husband, Mrs. Burke.

Who does that two-bit shyster think he

is filing suit against me on behalf of that overweight

mentally incompetent?

He's doing this to get at me, Mr. Newman.

I know him.

I know how his mind works.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Mrs. Burke.

He's doing this to me.

And I suggest you do it to him before I do it to you.

With pleasure.

With pleasure.

I would have loved to have seen

her face when that press conference

came on in their boardroom.

[laughs]

Paul, we're not doing this to get at your wife.

We're doing this to do something positive.

Nailing my ex-wife is the most positive

thing that I can think of.

[knocking]

Excuse me, are you Mr. Burke?

That's me.

I have a singing telegram for you, sir.

[tone] (SINGING) Oh, jingle bells, your lawsuit smells.

I've one more thing to say.

This is a restraining order.

Stick it in your sleigh.

This is for you, Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Let me see that.

Oh, the old wolverine has fired back.

Well, I'm due in court.

We'll handle that when I get back.

Hang in there, Santa.

We've just begun to fight.

What is that gobbledygook?

Ah, it's a John Doe restraining order.

What it says is, since there is no Santa Claus,

since Santa Claus is a mythical creation,

you're hereby ordered to cease and desist from posing

as said mythic character.

You're ordered to cease and desist

making any and all statements concerning

Newman's Department Store.

And until a hearing can be held to make the order permanent,

you are enjoined from wearing a red suit,

saying ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas, or any and all

other phrases normally associated

with the mythic character known as Santa Claus.

Is that legal, Jonathan?

The judge signed it.

It's legal, at least until the hearing.

I can't wear the suit?

Can't say ho-ho-ho?

Can't even wish anybody a Merry Christmas, for goodness' sake?

What kind of goofball judge would sign a thing like that.

Judge Henry T. Clawson.

He's off the list!

I'll tell you right now, boy.

Old Hank could stick a mountain of cookies by the fireplace,

and they'll be selling air conditioners at the North Pole

before I--

No, no, no, come on, now.

Losing your temper isn't going to help.

You can think this is losing my temper?

I'll show you what losing my temper is!

Where are you going?

To Newman's Department Store!

Look at this beauty, boys and girl.

How would you like Santa to bring

you this for Christmas, Johnny?

He wouldn't!

And you're not Santa.

You're a gunrunner.

How dare-- that is N-N-Newman property!

Well, it's my face and name.

And get your finger off my chest.

Or what?

Or that!

Oh!

And that!

And that!

And that!

Ah!

Arrest that man.

[music playing]

[sighs] What happened to you, Spike?

I got caught.

What's it look like, pops?

No, no, no, I didn't mean that.

I mean, what happened to you.

You didn't start out a bad boy.

You were a good kid.

Yeah.

How do you know?

I remember.

I remember a long time ago, you must have

been four or five years old.

Your dad had run out on you and your brothers.

Your mother was doing everything she could

to hold the family together.

And there wasn't any money that year for toys.

And you were all sad because you couldn't buy a gift for her.

You loved your ma, Spike.

That was so long ago.

I hadn't even thought about her in years.

She was the only one who ever, ever loved me.

After she died, I--

how do you know?

You did give her a gift, Spike.

Nah, there wasn't any money.

SANTA: Oh, no, no, no, but this was something more important

than money, something money can't buy, something

they don't keep in safes.

[music playing]

She was there, crying at the table.

And you put your arm around her and said,

don't worry, Ma, I love you.

And I'm going to make something out of myself.

I'm going to make you proud.

And she put her arm around you and said, Theodore,

you already have.

Theodore.

No one's called me that since--

SANTA: What would she think if she saw you today?

It's not too late, my friend.

It's up to you.

This could be the first day of a whole new life for you,

or just another day in the slammer.

It's up to you.

My main man, the Claus.

What is it, Clarence?

CLARENCE: Visitation, Claus-- your lawyer.

Thanks.

Think it over, Spike.

So have you got that cat burglar thinking you're

really Santa?

And you don't, Clarence?

Hey, Claus, you're a nice old guy, but you ain't no Santa.

Trust me.

I know.

You sound pretty sure of yourself.

Yeah.

Well, I got four little ones to raise.

How much you think a jailer makers, huh?

Not enough.

How do you tell a five-year-old he can't have that shiny train

set he has his heart set on, that there's just

not enough money to go around?

You think money buys happiness?

Well, if it don't, you can sure

pay unhappiness to stay away.

[chuckles]

Could be.

Are your children healthy, Clarence?

Knock wood.

Well, I know a lot of rich folks

who would give all they have and then some just to trade

places with you.

I'll tell you one thing, my man.

They wouldn't find no takers with me on that bargain.

I didn't think so, Clarence.

Ah, but it still would be fun to get my boy a train.

We tried to get a hold of Mr. Burke, but he was out.

The first thing tomorrow morning,

we're going to see if we can get in front of a judge,

get you out on your own recognizance.

That's OK.

I got a nice bed, a real friendly fella named Clarence

who takes good care of us.

I got some pretty decent roommates, too, if I could

just get them to see that.

One day more is no problem.

Listen, I don't know how to tell you this,

but I don't think they're going to let you out.

But I got to get out.

Christmas Eve is only two days off.

We'll do everything we can.

And unfortunately, I think it's partly my fault.

We just let it get out of hand.

I mean, this thing has turned into a vendetta

between Burke and his ex-wife.

I know.

You don't know how it pains me.

MARK GORDON: Hey, look, man, I don't

know if you're Santa Claus or if you are not Santa Claus,

you know?

But I do know a few things.

And one of the things that I know

is that if you really are Santa, you got the stuff.

You know, the stuff.

So why don't you just use the stuff?

And the next thing you know, it's up,

Donner, up, Blitzen, you know what I mean?

Mark, I can't do that.

Well, sure you can, if you got the stuff.

And what kind of an example would

that set for the children?

Santa busts out of jail.

No, my friend, I'm afraid you're just

going to have to go into court and prove to a judge

that I'm Santa.

[music playing]

Your honor, I must protest counsel's

cheap theatrical publicity stunt of arranging for children

to come down to the precinct where

he puts on some sort of a--

Your honor, I didn't arrange for anything.

A reporter called for an interview with my client.

I simply told the man where my client was,

and I guess he did the rest.

I hardly think it's in the best interest of the children

counsel purports to be so concerned about to have them

trooped down to the city jail.

I'm not the one that put Father

Christmas in the slammer.

MRS. BURKE: He is the Father Christmas, and you know it.

And if you're so concerned about giving more toys to children,

then how come you gave Matty that--

that drooling monster, the one, that mutant with the saliva

dripping down its fangs?

The mutant with fangs is your mother.

Oh, you--

And the reason I gave Matty the stuffed Godzilla baby was--

HENRY CLAWSON: Have you two finished?

May I remind you, this is my courtroom

and not a marriage encounter?

We are not married, your honor.

We're divorced.

HENRY CLAWSON: And I can't imagine a couple

better suited for it than you.

But this isn't about your divorce.

This is about two separate injunctions

and whether or not your client can be released

on his own recognizance.

MRS. BURKE: Your honor, the man is

an itinerant with no permanent address, no means--

PAUL BURKE: The North Pole is not exactly

what you call temporary.

MRS. BURKE: --no means of support and no assets.

And he has already shown himself to be of a violent nature.

Yes, well, when I miss my lunch,

I have rather a violent nature.

So we'll adjourn for an hour, and then I'll

hear your witnesses.

But I must warn you, Mr. Burke, unless you can produce

something that'll change my mind,

I'm rather inclined to agree with Mrs. Burke.

Court is adjourned.

Excuse me, Mrs. Burke?

I was just wondering if we all couldn't go sit down somewhere

and talk.

I don't think there's anything to talk about.

Maybe there isn't.

But I don't see any reason why personal problems

get in the way of professional courtesy.

All right, I think there's an office

down the hallway we can use.

Now, Mr. Burke, I know I work for you,

and I may be stepping way out of line.

But I've got to tell you, you two are

acting like a couple of jerks.

OK Smith, that's enough.

All right, just let him talk.

Why?

Just because I told him to shut up?

If I had said, let him talk, you would have said, let him sh--

Would you listen to yourselves?

I mean, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Look, you couldn't live together.

Fine, you got a divorce.

Why are you still using everything

you can get your hands on to hurt each other?

You don't have to hurt each other anymore.

You've made your decision.

Get on with your lives.

That's just what I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm trying to do too.

Oh, no, it isn't.

You're still fighting out your marriage.

First you use your child to hurt each other.

Then you use Santa Claus to hurt each other.

It's ridiculous.

Don't you think it's time you two grew up, for everybody's

sake, including your own?

Maybe he's right.

Yeah, maybe he is.

I mean, this whole thing has gotten

really absurd, hasn't it?

Well, look who started the whole thing.

Playing Look Who Started It is not going to end it.

And we can end it, right here, the two of us.

Yeah, you're right.

It's-- it's really simple.

Yes, yes, it really is, very simple.

I mean, we're scuffling and hassling.

And the solution is right here in the palm of our hands.

What do you say, counselor?

You're a bigger man than I gave you credit for, Paul.

I'll tell Mr Newman that you're dropping the injunction.

Right.

Right after you drop yours.

Me?

Yeah, that's why he's in jail.

He's in jail because he brought it on himself.

No, no, I take that back.

That poor old man was just a pawn.

You brought this on.

Now you drop yours and we'll drop ours.

PAUL BURKE: I'll drop mine after you drop yours.

MRS. BURKE: If you don't drop yours, I won't drop mine.

How do I know that if I drop mine, you'll drop yours.

Drop yours and find out.

Drop yours.

You drop yours.

PAUL BURKE: I'm not dropping mine.

MRS. BURKE: Well, then I'm not dropping mine.

PAUL BURKE: Fine.

MRS. BURKE: Fine? - Fine.

Fine.

I'll see you in court, counselor.

Right.

The gloves are off, baby.

This is war!

[kinds chanting, "free santa!"]

BOY: Hey, mister, would you like to contribute to the Free

Santa bail fund, sir?

Well, my fine little fella, Santa's right in there

in our toy department.

You can go right in and see for yourself.

Oh, no, sir, Santa's in jail.

This mean guy named Newman put him in there.

And that's just where he'll stay.

You hear that, Burke?

I'll show you what it means to mess

with the biggest week of retail sales in the fiscal year.

You want war, Bucko, you got war.

This court is now ready to hear whatever witnesses

you choose to call.

But I must warn you, Mr Burke, that this court will

not be swayed by sentiment.

And Christmas Eve or no Christmas Eve,

if this man is Santa Claus, you're going

to have to prove it to me.

Your honor, I find myself in the rather absurd position

of having to disprove a myth.

Now, Mr. Burke and Mr. Smith may call various members

of the clergy or what have you in their attempt

to verify their claim of the reality of this myth.

I, however, have turned to the world of empirical evidence

in calling to the stand the foremost psychiatrist

in the state, Dr. Carl Erhart.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth in the matter now

pending before this court, so help you?

I do.

Please state your name.

Carl Erhart.

And are you a doctor?

I am a psychiatrist, MD, MA, PhD.

Do you believe in Santa Claus, doctor?

No, I don't.

And has it been your experience as a psychiatrist

that adults believe in Santa Claus.

As a rule, no.

And if an adult believed he was Santa Claus,

what would your diagnosis be?

If he really believed he was Santa Claus, delusions

of grandeur, schizophrenia.

Thank you.

No further questions.

Doctor, let me ask you, when you were a little boy,

did you believe in Santa Claus?

CARL ERHART: Yes, I suppose I did.

Were you mentally ill at the time?

(LAUGHING) No, I was a child.

And also, I did not believe I was Santa Claus.

There is a difference.

JONATHAN SMITH: But children do believe in Santa Claus,

do they not?

CARL ERHART: On the whole, yes.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No, perfectly harmless fantasy.

Might it not even be a positive one

with positive values?

Yes, I suppose so.

Do you have any children?

Yes, and grandchildren.

Congratulations.

Do your grandchildren believe in Santa Claus?

Oh, yes!

Well, why haven't you told them there is no Santa?

Well, because, uh--

because they're children.

And to them, Santa is real.

CARL ERHART: Yes.

As real as you or I?

Yes.

I will say this.

There is a reality of the Santa Claus.

It exists in the minds of children.

Thank you very much, doctor.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, too, sir.

Your name is Clarence Edwards.

That's right.

You're employed as a jailer in the precinct

where my client is being held.

Correct.

As part of your duties, you identify the prisoners

and fill out a report on each one?

That's right.

Is this the report that you filled out

on the prisoner in question?

Yeah, that's it.

Would you read the names under which the prisoner was booked?

Claus, Santa, alias Kringle, Kris, alias Christmas,

Father, alias Nicholas, Saint, alias

Nicholas Jolly Old Saint--

PAUL BURKE: That'll be enough aliases.

Did you fingerprint the prisoner and run those prints?

Yes, I did.

Did those prints show the prisoner

to have any other identity but that which he gave?

Well, he came up clean as a whistle-- no arrests,

no priors, no driver's license, no social security card,

nothing.

So as far as you're concerned, the name of the man that you

have in your holding cell is--

Santa Claus.

PAUL BURKE: That'll be sufficient,

no further questions.

Have you never had another prisoner who did not

show any means of identification, whose prints

didn't show up anywhere, who had no arrests, no priors,

no driver's license, et cetera?

Yeah, we get guys like that, but not ones that

call themselves Santa Claus.

And when you get someone who has no driver's license,

no place of employment, no social security card,

or any other means of identification,

what, in your professional nomenclature, do you call him?

A bum.

[music playing]

Any further witnesses to call, Mr Burke?

No your honor.

Yes, your honor.

Which is it, yes or no?

I have two more witnesses.

They better be good, Mr. Smith.

Your honor, we would like to call

an expert witness to testify as to the reality of Santa Claus.

Oh, this I got to see.

And you will.

Mrs. Burke called her own expert witness, who testified,

and I quote, "There is a reality to Santa Claus.

It exists in the minds of children," end quote.

We, therefore, would like to call our own expert witness.

We call Matthew Burke.

BAILIFF: Call Matthew Burke.

Your honor, I protest.

That's my son, and I don't give my permission.

Your honor, I have custody this week, and I give mine.

HENRY CLAWSON: Swear in the witness.

BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth in the matter now

pending before this court, so help you?

Sure.

Now, Matty, are you a child?

Yes, sir.

I see.

And how long have you been a child?

Seven years.

Mm, that seems like enough experience to me.

Matty, is there a Santa Claus.

Uh-huh.

How do you know?

'Cause Mama told me.

JONATHAN SMITH: Oh.

Do you see Santa Claus anywhere in this courtroom?

Yeah, he's right there.

Hi, Santa.

[laughter]

Your honor, let the record show that the witness

has indicated our client.

That was very good, Matty.

Thank you.

Your witness, counselor.

Hi, Matty.

Hi, Mom.

Uh, no questions, your honor.

Son, you may step down.

Thank you, sir.

JONATHAN SMITH: We call Santa Claus.

BAILIFF: Santa Claus.

[crowd murmuring]

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth in the matter now

pending before this court, so help you?

So help me God.

How ya doin', Santa?

Hi, Jonathan.

Santa, aside from one other person in this courtroom,

you know more about me than anybody else in this world,

don't you?

Yes, Jonathan, I suppose I do.

And you know I've been working on another case,

another assignment, as it were, that

hasn't been going too well.

I know, kid.

I know.

So I'm going to ask you to help me Santa

with my assignment, and maybe, just maybe, it might

solve all of our problems.

I'll do anything I can.

You know that.

Santa, what did Matty Burke tell

you he wanted for Christmas?

Oh, Jonathan, I can't tell you that.

That's between the boy and me.

That's privileged information.

Matty?

It's OK, Santa.

Go ahead.

Santa, what did Matty tell you he wanted more than anything

else in this world?

Well, he wanted his mom and dad to stop fighting over him.

He wanted them to stop using him to hurt each other

and to stop trying to make him take sides.

The boy loves you both.

And he's living proof that once you loved each other.

You're bound by the love your child has for both of you.

And yet, you can't do the best for your son if you're enemies.

Now, you may not be married anymore,

but you're still his parents.

And you can't do the best for him

if you're not friends, because, with all your differences,

you still have the most important

thing in the world in common.

You both love him.

Neither of you has to win, and neither of you has to lose.

All you got to do is love your son and work together, even

if you're apart, to raise him.

You know what I mean?

Your honor--

HENRY CLAWSON: Mr. Newman, please be seated

and refrain from interrupting.

But I can save the court a lot of time.

Let him go.

If he isn't Santa, he ought to be.

[crowd murmuring]

You wish to drop the injunction?

You bet I do.

Well, boys and girls, looks like we're

never going to find out whether I think he's Santa or not.

It's Christmas Eve.

Let's get out of here.

Case dismissed.

[applause]

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Mwah.

Yeah.

Come on, son, we got a tree to decorate.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, Matty.

See you Monday.

[music playing]

Maybe just this once we could be

friends and spend it together.

What do you say?

You're on.

I got a client to say goodbye to.

Where'd he go?

Where's Santa?

Mr. Burke, you got to be kidding.

It's Christmas Eve.

[engine stalling]

Hey, Clarence, need a lift?

I guess.

If it's not one thing, it's another.

I'd sure appreciate it, if it's not out of your way.

No problem at all.

Your kids waiting for you, Clarence?

Uh, no, they're over their grandmothers.

I thought I'd be late tonight.

I'll pick them up in the morning.

[laughs] That old fool, he's really something, isn't he?

That he is.

Kind of made me wish I was a kid again,

so I really could believe.

You know what I mean?

Believe me, I know exactly what you mean.

Thanks a lot for the lift.

Hey, it was our pleasure.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh, Clarence.

Remember, there'll always being Santa

Claus, because there'll always be a little kid in all of us.

You have a Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

[music playing]

[chugging]

[music playing]