Original subtitles

[theme music]

RADIO: Good morning Los Angeles.

And what a beautiful one it is too, right

here in the City of the Angels.

This is Jack Michaelson.

What are you doing?

I thought you wanted to hear some music?

Yeah, but he's talking about the City of the Angels.

Don't you want to support the home team?

Besides this guy Jack Michaelson, he's OK.

Really.

Yeah, he did a show about cops once and all the junk

they have to put up with.

I mean, the guy is great.

He really knows what he's talking about.

Put it back on.

There you go.

RADIO: And we're here today with Mary Ann McKenna

talking about the exploitation of women

in general and beauty pageant contestants in particular.

Boy is this guy full of it.

Well, you just said--

I know what I just said.

When he talks about cops he's OK.

When he talks about women's lib he is full of it.

- Oh, you think so? - Yes.

I don't have to think so.

I know so.

Nobody on the face of this earth has it as easy as women,

especially good looking ones.

Oh Mark, come on.

Don't come on me.

I mean, what is that old saying?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

And what does a man get, huh?

What does he get?

A dog.

Yeah well, there's another old saying,

don't judge a person until you walk a mile in their moccasins.

They don't wear moccasins.

Men wear moccasins.

They wear Gucci's, or Pucci's or Gucci's.

Hey, I didn't make it up.

Ask anybody.

Ask the boss.

If it wasn't for Eve we'd still all be in a garden somewhere

having to fix the grapes.

Hey, Mark.

MARK GORDON: What?

You just ran a red light.

Oh, come on.

It was yellow.

Well, I think it was red.

So does the cop behind us.

[police siren]

Oh no.

Sure glad I keep my badge and my wallet here.

Watch me handle this.

Hey, pal.

I used to be a cop myself.

I didn't mean to run that light but my friend

and I were arguing about all this women's lib garbage,

you know.

Is that so.

Cute, Jonathan.

Cute.

[music playing]

Worldwide Pictures, what are we doing here?

I don't know.

All I know is this is where the assignment is.

Hi.

What can I do for you?

Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.

Smith and Gordon.

Let's see.

OK.

Park your car in any unmarked spot

and then head up to security.

Sam Quigley will give you a lot passes.

Sam Quigley, he didn't used to be a cop in Oakland did he?

Yeah, he used to be an Oakland cop.

He's head of security here now.

Well, I'll be.

Hey, thanks a lot.

You bet.

Wait till you meet Sam.

You're going to love him.

I mean, he's a great guy.

He's a real man's man, you know what I mean.

How long has it been since you seen him?

Oh, I don't know.

10, 15 years.

He's not in any trouble is he?

He's not our assignment is he?

Well, he's part of it.

Gentlemen, you can go in now.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Sam.

Hey. Hey, Gord-o.

How are you buddy? Hey, hey.

Oh, man it's good to see you.

- It's good to see you, too. - You look great.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, Sam.

This is my friend, Jonathan Smith.

Hey, how you doing?

Fine, it's a pleasure, you know.

Yeah. Come on, sit down you guys.

You wanna sit down?

Go ahead.

So, so you two are going to be working for Linda Blackwell,

huh?

Linda Blackwell, the movie star?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Well you couldn't be working for a better person.

She's a hell of a lady.

I'll tell you.

She is that.

We've done all right for yourself, Sam.

Head of security for a big studio.

You check out all the new employees yourself?

No, no just anyone who works for Miss Blackwell.

I, I feel kind of protective of her, that's all.

And with you guys set up to be her new bodyguard

and hairdresser, well I, just didn't make any sense

when I looked at your resumes.

It, uh, it looked kind of fishy.

Oh well, if you mean Jonathan, I can vouch for him.

No, no.

Smith checked out just fine.

But what I couldn't figure out is

what is a former Oakland cop doing applying

for a job as a hairdresser.

A hairdresser?

Me?

But then I figured, you know, I

haven't seen old Gord-o here for 10 or 15

years and people do change.

And then your records from your beauty college

checked out just fine.

From my beauty college?

SAM QUIGLEY: Yeah, right.

Well, you two, why don't you head over the stage 21.

Miss Blackwell's dressing room is right there.

And well, here's your ID and just keep

it with you at all times, OK.

All right, thanks.

Why don't we get together tonight and shoot some pool,

drink some beer like the old days?

Sure, you still like to do that, huh?

Well sure, why wouldn't I?

Well, I don't know.

You used to be a cop, now you're a hairdresser.

I just--

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

I was just kidding, Gord-o, hey.

All right, we'll see you later.

- All right, see you. - Take care.

Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Good bye.

Jonathan.

Jonathan, wait a minute.

This is crazy.

I don't know anything about hairdressing.

Well, you must.

How else could you have graduated from beauty college?

Look, I'm serious.

So am I. Now, the boss wouldn't

give you this assignment if he didn't think

you could handle it.

Now, here.

What's this?

It's your hairdressing bag.

Come on.

Oh, great.

I haven't been a hairdresser for five minutes already

and I'm carrying a purse.

Hi, babe.

How are you doing?

Oh, just fine, Todd.

Listen we got that, that big love scene this morning.

Thought you might want to go over it, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

I know my lines.

I wasn't talking about lines.

Yeah well, why don't we just save it for the camera, huh?

Well, I can't play a scene, you know, without,

without feeling the part.

Right the parts, not my parts.

Just let go, Todd.

I can't play a scene without some feeling, you know.

Well, I'll tell you what, when we get out

there why don't you just close your eyes and pretend

I'm your wife.

Look, we're both mature adults, you know.

I got needs.

You got needs.

All God's children got needs.

He really would like to have his name used in vain,

you know.

Hey, take a hike will ya.

I think that's what the lady wants you to do.

And who are you?

Jonathan Smith.

I work for Miss Blackwell.

I'm Mark Gordon, in case you're interested.

I work for her too.

Mark Gordon, my new hairdresser.

Hi.

Mr. Richie raves about you.

TODD JEFFRIES: The hairdresser.

Well, why don't you and Mr. Richie

here go, uh, warm your curlers.

Hey, enough with the hairdresser jokes, huh.

What are you going to do about it?

Hit me with your purse?

All right, that's it.

Uh, Mark.

That's my job.

Now when your feet touch the floor

you use them to walk away, all right.

Linda, you're going to hear from my agent about this guy.

Men are such idiots.

Thank you, Smith, but next time would

you try and use a little more finesse

and a little less macho.

I have to work with that man.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm no more impressed with men brawling over me

than I am with that jerk trying to paw me.

I'll remember that Miss Blackwell.

Thank you.

Now Mark, would you curl me out?

We'll have a little girl talk in my dressing room.

Well don't just stand there.

Come on in.

So what do you think?

About what?

My hair, silly.

Do you think I should cut it?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe a little trim around the ears.

Trim around the ears?

Yeah, that's all I ever do with mine.

Oh, trim around the ears. Very cute.

Now come on, the truth, what do you think?

Truth is I think you came down kind of hard on Jonathan.

Jonathan Smith?

Yeah, he was just trying to protect you.

Oh, he's not.

He's just trying to impress me.

Come on.

I've been around these muscle boys.

All these men are alike.

They're just all on the make.

Come on.

Not all men are like that.

Well maybe you're not, but you know what I mean.

Listen, Jonathan is not like that either.

I'm sure he's a perfect angel.

You know, you're right about that.

Oh listen, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to say anything to upset you.

I guess I was really wrong about Jonathan.

So how long have you two been together?

Oh, we've been going around the country

together for about a year and a half and--

hey wait a minute.

What are you talking about here?

Well, about you Jonathan.

What about me and Jonathan?

Hey, why are you getting so defensive, Mark?

I mean, I don't care.

I mean, live and let live, you know.

Hey now, just, just hold it here one second, all right.

[knock on door]

JONATHAN SMITH: Excuse me, Miss Blackwell.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but you're wanted on the set.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be right there.

I'll see you after lunch, Mark.

Jonathan, I just wanted to say I'm sorry I

was so catty this morning.

I think you and Mark will work out just fine.

Thank you very much.

Hey, looks like you two really hit it off, huh.

I mean, that's it.

I'm off this assignment.

I mean, I can't handle this one.

I'm out. I'm gone.

I'm history.

I mean, no way Jose.

All right, if that's what you feel.

Of course you'll sure be letting your buddy Sam down.

What do you mean?

Just like I told you, he's part of the assignment.

Look Jonathan, you don't understand.

It's not important that I understand.

I didn't give the assignment.

The boss did.

If you want out of it, just tell him.

See you in the commissary.

OK. OK.

But I don't like it.

Hey, guys.

Do you mind if I pull up a chair.

Sure, come on.

Beer and a couple of racks of pool tonight, right?

You got it, pal.

Hey, Jonathan, I hear you had a run in with that jerk

Todd Jeffries this morning.

Word travels fast, huh?

Yeah well, I wouldn't worry about it.

If that jerk tries anything with his agent

I'll back you up all the way.

He's lucky it was you instead of me

because if that clown had tried anything

with Linda with me around he'd be picking

pavement out of his teeth.

Oh, sounds like you really care about her, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess so.

You ever told her so?

What are you talking about?

I mean, you're single, she's single,

you both seem like nice people, so why don't you ask her out?

Are you kidding me?

Hey come on, she doesn't even know I'm alive.

Yeah well, whose fault is that?

SAM QUIGLEY: Come on, Mark.

She's a movie star.

I'm a cop.

She's a person, maybe she's lonely.

Are you kidding me, huh?

Come on, she's one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She's got leading men hitting on her all the time.

Oh, I know.

I met one of them this morning.

If he's any example it's no wonder she doesn't

have a high opinion of men.

You know he's right, Sam.

I mean, what's it going to hurt to ask her out?

My pride when she laughs in my face.

Hey, if she does that, she's not somebody

you should take out in the first place.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Look if I thought I had half a chance why I'd--

hey, you know what, you know, you could check it out for me.

I mean, really, you could.

You could see if she, she wouldn't mind

me asking her out, you know.

I mean, come on.

Women, women confide.

They talk straight to the hairdressers all the time.

All right, all right.

I'll see what I can find out.

That guy. That's good.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mark.

Hey, guys I'll see you later. I gotta go to work.

- Right. - All right.

See you.

Boy, he is really stuck on her.

And the ball's in your court now, Cupid.

Oh, boy.

So Mark, what's all this stuff about Sam Quigley.

He's a great guy, that's all.

Great guy.

Come on.

No such thing.

Oh, will you give me a break.

You act like it's so tough being a beautiful woman.

Well, it is tough.

It's brutal sometimes.

You know what's tough?

I'll tell you what's tough, working

in a coal pit, that's tough.

I mean, your life's a bed of roses.

All you got to do is just smile a little bit.

Do a little goochie, goochie, say your lines,

collect a million bucks.

God I wish I were in your shoes.

Well, God, I wish I was a man for just long enough to show--

[thunder crashing]

What happened?

Well, must have blown a fuse.

Hey Jonathan, somebody hit the break--

MOVIE CREW: Somebody hit the breakers.

OK boys, we're back on.

Let's go.

(GROANING) Come on Jonathan, let's get out of here.

I'm no good at this Cupid stuff.

Besides I can't take any more that--

what's wrong with my voi- my body.

This isn't my body.

Oh, my gosh.

My body died.

No, no it didn't.

She just fainted.

She?

She.

[music playing]

I can't believe it.

I'm in her body and she's in mine?

That's the way it looks from here.

Oh Jonathan, how could you do that?

Whoa.

Hey, you all right, buddy?

I don't know, I felt like I was walking

downhill for a minute there.

Oh, it must be the heels.

- What? - Your heels.

You got heels.

God.

Oh, my God.

How do they walk in these things?

All right Jonathan, fun is fun.

Put me back.

Come on.

What are you waiting for?

Put me back before she wakes up.

I can't do that.

What do you mean you can't do that?

You put me in here, now get me out.

I didn't put you in there.

You mean the boss?

Yeah.

You didn't say, I wish to Jonathan.

You said, I wish to God.

Well don't just stand there, tell him to do something.

Well, I think he already did.

Oh that's cute Jonathan.

That's really cute.

(GROANING) Oh, my goodness gracious.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Great.

That's just great.

She's out again.

I can't say I blame her.

I'd probably faint too if I looked in the mirror

and saw you staring back at me.

One more word, Jonathan.

I'm telling you, one more word and angel or no angel,

it's five to the chops.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

What do you mean you'll get it?

You can't let anyone in there with me looking like this.

Oh, come on Mark, you've only been a woman for a few minutes

and you're already worried about the way you look.

You can't let anybody see me like this.

Why?

I've got bosoms.

- Everything OK in here? - Yeah, sure.

Everything's fine.

Why shouldn't everything be fine?

I don't know?

I heard somebody scream.

Yeah, that was her.

Who?

Her.

Who her?

Him her.

Mark Gordon saw a mouse.

That's all, just a little mouse.

Oh, hairdressers.

Listen you little twerp, cut the hairdresser stuff.

I'm as much of a man as you are.

Yes, ma'am.

Whatever you say, Miss Blackwell.

Uh, they, uh, want you on the set now, ma'am.

Yeah well, tell them to hold their water till I get there,

you know. - Yes, ma'am.

Where's Linda?

She OK?

Uh, I don't know.

What do you mean, I don't know?

Well, I went over there after I heard the scream

and she told me that her hairdresser had seen a mouse,

and then she told me she was just as big a man as I was

and for you to hold your water.

Actresses.

See Jonathan here really is an angel,

and well, when you and I wished to God that we could

trade places, well he heard us and now

I'm stuck with your body.

You're stuck with mine.

Right.

Right.

He's taking this a lot better than I did.

Yeah.

Look, I wish I could tell you how

long you have to be like this, but it's just not up to me.

Right, I understand.

You know I got to hand it to you,

you really got a lot of guts taking it this calm.

Right.

Ahhh.

What the hell is going on in there?

Must be another mouse.

Now listen Miss Blackwell, you gotta stop screaming.

You understand?

OK.

Thank you.

Ahhh.

There it is again.

What are they doing to that poor guy in there?

Get your hand off my mouth.

Get your hand off my mouth this instant.

You promise to be a good girl and not scream anymore?

Yes.

Yes.

OK.

All right.

All right.

I want to see my lawyer.

I wanna see my lawyer right now.

I'm going to sue the two of you.

I'm going to sue him too.

I'm going to sue the church.

Linda, what good is it going to do?

I mean, nobody's going to believe you.

For all the world you're Mark Gordon.

I want my body back.

I've worked very hard getting that body in shape.

I want my body back.

I want my body back.

I want my body.

I want my body.

I want my body.

Linda, listen to me.

Listen to me.

What?

He's doing this for a reason.

Well, he has a very sick sense of humor.

That's what Jonah said when the whale swallowed him.

I would rather be swallowed by a whale than turned into one.

I'm going to kill her.

She's a guy.

She can take it.

Now, come on.

Stop it and listen to me.

Now he's doing this so each of you

will understand what it's like to live like the other one.

Now the sooner you accept that and do it,

the sooner he's going to put you back in your own bodies.

Now, stop it.

You mean that he has to go out there and do my lines.

I'll be ruined.

Linda, that is exactly what I mean.

You're going to have to keep all of Mark's appointments,

and Mark's going to have to keep all of yours.

- Piece of cake. - What?

You heard me.

Piece of cake.

[knock on door]

Yeah, come in.

I hate to bother you, but Mr. Campbell wondered if--

Yeah, if what?

If, uh, you'd like to rehearse.

We're ready.

You bet I'm ready.

I'll be right there.

You keep my hands off of those.

Shut up.

Piece of cake.

Well hi, babe.

Glad you could make it.

You talking to me?

You bet I am.

Get your arm off of me.

Come on, babe.

You know you love it.

Get your hand off of me or I'll rip it out of the socket

and beat your brains in with it.

Got it.

Ooo.

There's no, no on your lips, but yes, yes, yes in your eyes.

Oh, no. He's out cold.

Get the doc down here.

Linda, are you crazy?

What did you do that for?

Me?

That bozo had his hands all over me.

Oh, big deal.

We got a scene to shoot here.

What do you mean, big deal?

I mean, so he had his hands on you.

He's a man.

You're a woman.

I'm not just a woman.

I'm a man.

What I mean is, I'm a person, and I got as much rights

as a man.

I got a right to be touched when I want to be touched

and by whom I want to be touched.

And nobody, but nobody, is gonna tell me that I mean yes

when I say no just because I got a pair

of bosoms and they don't.

I never knew how tough it was for you gals.

Call me when he comes to.

Maybe it'll be worth it just to see me do that.

Bap.

Yo.

Hey, where's the can, you know?

The what?

The can.

The toilet.

Oh, excuse me, the restroom.

Oh, yeah.

Follow me.

Must you walk like that?

Like what?

Like a gorilla.

You need to take smaller steps.

People are staring.

Yeah, well maybe they're staring at you.

You don't look so hot mincing around like that either.

All all right, let's don't argue.

Now, we're going to be like this for a while,

so let's just make the most of it.

- Right. - Ah.

Here we are.

[screams]

I think I'll wait.

Yes, me too.

How's it going?

Can I help you with something?

Oh no, I just wanted to see how Mark was doing?

Oh.

Mark?

I mean, Miss Blackwell.

Oh.

Well, just between the two of us,

this must be one of her off days.

She's moving like a truck driver.

Come on. Come on.

They got pictures in the loo that take less

time to paint than my face.

Miss Blackwell, you're the one that

wants the fuller lips, not me.

Fuller?

They're full enough to blow up the Goodyear blimp right now.

Suit yourself.

Let's rehearse again, Linda.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look can't I play the scene barefoot?

Who walks through the desert in high heels?

Movie stars.

Now let's try it again.

See what I mean?

You been hitting the sauce, honey?

Ah, shut up.

Whoa.

Linda. Linda.

You all right, honey?

LINDA BLACKWELL: I told you to keep your hands off of me.

[punching]

TODD JEFFRIES: (GROANS) - Cut.

Cut.

Brad, get the doctor.

Yes, sir.

Hey, you have seen Mark have you?

The hairdresser?

Yeah, he took off.

What do you mean he took off?

Well, the guy's a little flaky if you ask me.

He said as long as we already had

one Linda Blackwell around he was going to knock off early

and do some shopping.

Let me tell you, he can get in real trouble

with the boss for doing that.

You're telling me.

[music playing]

May I help you?

These are wonderful.

When did you get these in?

Oh, just yesterday.

Oh, I love this.

I don't know.

I just don't think it's me.

It's really difficult to tell with this beard, you know.

Oh, I suppose not.

Perhaps if you shaved it off?

I would but I'm afraid that what's under it might be worse.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Linda.

Jonathan, what do you think of this lipstick?

Give me that will ya.

What are you--

You know, I think you better start remembering who you are,

or who you're supposed to be.

Now what is that supposed to mean?

It means that the reason the boss switched you two

is so that each one of you could learn how the other one lives.

Jonathan listen, it is bad enough

that I have to walk around with this moss

growing all over my back.

What else am I supposed to do?

Well, until the boss switches you back,

you're supposed to be Mark Gordon not just look like him.

Now, that means working at his job,

socializing with his friends.

Wait a minute, you mean I have to associate with a bunch

of beer-belching over-the-hill jocks

whose only interest in life is making

snide remarks about women.

Oh, please.

Come on, now.

You're being snide about his friends.

Now don't judge people until you know them.

Now, let's get out of here.

I'm going to buy some shoes while I'm here.

I don't think they're going to have

what you're looking for in 12D.

Oh, of course you're right.

Goodbye.

I'll be back.

Stop doing that with your hand.

What do you think you're doing?

Hey, what the--

I'm having a little snack.

A snack.

I have seen lighter meals at feeding time at the zoo.

But I--

You are not putting this in my body.

I'm hungry.

Jonathan.

No.

Absolutely not.

If you need to pick me up, you drink this.

What is this?

Hot lemon juice.

What about my pizza?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not your pizza.

Mark Gordon's pizza.

Linda Blackwell is on a diet.

Just part of the price that we women have to pay.

You know, it is really a shame to let this pizza go to waste.

Oh, pizza, baby it has been so long.

Come to mama.

Mmm.

So good.

Yummy, yummy.

Mmm, mmm. mmm.

[music playing]

See you on the set tomorrow, Linda.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Goodnight, darling.

You.

Where do you think you're going?

That's my car.

Wrong.

That's Linda Blackwell's car.

Home, Miss Blackwell?

Home, my foot.

Take me to the nearest burger joint.

You, she, this is not fair, Jonathan.

This is not fair.

Oh, come on.

It's probably all for the best.

Sam would have thought it was kind of funny if you

drove up in a limo anyway.

Sam who?

Sam Quigley.

Supposed to meet him tonight.

Shoot a few racks of pool.

Talk about old times.

Oh, that sounds like an evening

full of charm and glamour.

Oh come on Linda, don't tell me

you never wondered what the boys we're talking

about in the locker room.

Now's your chance.

Marvelous.

I can spend the entire evening discussing sweat socks.

Honestly.

I wish you wouldn't do that with your hand.

[music playing]

What would you like me to get you, Miss Blackwell?

Oh, relax, I can get it.

But, Miss Blackwell, this is a public place.

No kidding.

I didn't think it was a private club.

What are you doing?

Guarding you.

Guarding me?

Hey, pal, I'm a big boy.

I can take care of myself.

Why don't you just relax in the car, OK.

I'll get us a couple of burgers.

All right.

Let me read this back to you.

That's four cheeseburgers, four fries, two apple pies, two

onion rings, and three tacos.

Yeah and a shake.

Vanilla, and you better give me a strawberry too.

All right.

That's just be a minute.

I still don't believe that was Lucille Ball.

Jake it was her.

But she's so friendly on TV.

I looked in the window, she closed the blinds.

Nice, shmice.

It was Lucy.

Well, I better get a closer look

at a biggie before this day--

Linda, Linda Blackwell.

Come on. Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, Sam, that is the funniest story I've ever heard.

And these ribs are fantastic.

You know Sam, I have to admit I cannot recall when I have

had a nicer evening with a man.

Been fun seeing you again too, but I, uh,

you know I must say, you know, you've

changed over the last 15 years.

Last 15 hours is more like it.

Know what I wish?

I wish I could go out with Linda like this.

Linda who?

Linda who.

Linda Blackwell.

Weren't you listening in the commissary, huh?

You were gonna see if I had a prayer, you know.

Yeah, fat chance of that though, huh?

Yeah.

I don't know.

She might like it.

What makes you say that?

Did you ask her?

No, no.

It's just a feeling.

Oh well, I don't think you're right on this one.

She's a movie star.

Maybe your right.

She's probably just stuck on herself.

No, I don't think so.

You know, it's probably just because she's afraid.

People keep asking things of her,

like an autograph, a introduction, maybe

a little hit-and-run romance, you know.

Isn't that what you want too?

Me?

Hey, I thought you knew me better than that, buddy.

I just told you how I felt about her.

Oh, come on Sam, fess up.

I mean, that would be something to brag about to your friends,

right.

Having a little fling with a movie star.

You really don't know me do you buddy?

All I'd want is a chance to make her happy.

It's not as easy you think being, being in the public eye.

You know what I bet?

I bet she'd just like to let her hair

down, have some fun with a guy who really cares, you know.

You know, I read somewhere where she likes camellias

so I sent her some once.

I didn't put my name on it and she,

well I saw her with them later and she, she looked so happy.

That was you?

Huh?

Sam, I must tell you that until tonight I never realized

what a wonderful man you are.

Huh, what?

I understand this is, is very difficult for you

to understand, but it is so frustrating

to be a man right now.

I don't know what you're talking about, Gord-o.

Well of course you don't, silly.

How could you?

Well, I don't know how I could, but just forget I asked.

Sam, Sam, Sam I want you to know.

I want you to know because tonight

has been so special for me.

I don't think I want to know, Gord-o.

Sam, I'm not who you think I am.

Hey Mark, look, that is your business.

So Sam, Sam tell Linda how you feel about her.

Trust me.

I'm not telling you this is Mark Gordon.

I'm telling you this as a woman.

Ahh.

Oh, Sam.

Sam.

Sam.

Oh, dear.

Sam, Sam are you all right?

Just take your hands off me.

What?

Just take your hands off me, OK.

What are you talking about?

Look, you're my pal.

I'm not gonna tell anybody about our little conversation.

It's just going to be our secret, all right.

Sam, just promise me that you won't let your pride

stand in the way and that you'll tell

Linda how you feel about her.

OK, I promise.

You mean that?

Of course I mean it.

I'm going to tell her right now. - Now.

Yeah, now.

No, I don't want you to tell her now.

I want you to stay here with me.

Hey, ho, ho.

Let's not get a little pushy, you know.

Now, it's your life but live and let live, OK.

See ya.

Sam.

Oh, Sam.

Linda, you've got to get hold of yourself.

All right, splash a little cold water on your face

and pull yourself together.

[screams]

Stay out, you pervert.

Jonathan.

[music playing]

Ah, come on.

Come on.

What are you doing, huh?

You're kidding yourself.

Do it.

[doorbell]

Coming, coming.

Keep your pants on.

Uh, Miss Blackwell--

Sam, old buddy.

Man am I glad to see you.

You are?

Yeah, I've been going crazy in this joint.

You know, I mean, at first I thought it'd be fun

but she doesn't have a thing to eat here but watercress and hot

lemon juice.

She?

Yeah, her.

Me.

Forget it.

Hey, what do you say we go shoot a couple racks of pool

and grab some ribs.

Well, you, you'd like to do that?

Yeah, sure I'd love to.

I've been bored stiff just sitting around here.

We can talk about old times.

What, what old times?

New times.

We can talk about new times.

Man, I can't believe how easy it is talking to you.

I mean, you don't know.

I was, I was so nervous before.

I mean--

Hey, what's to be nervous, I mean, we both put on our pants

one leg at a time, you know.

Huh?

Right.

Yeah.

Hey why don't you sit down and relax.

Let me see if I can't put something

on that's more comfortable and then we'll have some fun, huh.

Huh.

Yeah, sure. Right.

Woo hoo.

I can't believe it.

What a great girl.

A little wacky, but great.

This has been, without a doubt,

the single most embarrassing humiliating

night of my entire life.

Linda will you calm down?

Calm down.

That's easy for you to say.

Oh, no.

I know I'm going to have a black eye.

I know it.

Thank goodness this is not my face.

Linda, all I can tell you is that everything

is just part of a plan.

Well, the plan stinks.

I finally meet a man that I could care about

and he thinks I'm a raving lunatic.

Oh now, wait a minute.

He doesn't think you're a raving lunatic.

He thinks Mark is.

I have been humiliated.

I have been assaulted by some hairy baboon, punched

in the eye, tossed out on the street on my keister,

and now the man that I think I'm in love with

is on his way to pour out his heart

to Mark Gordon, who by now has probably

caused me to gain 15 pounds.

Now look, why don't you just take it easy,

you get undressed, you get some sleep

everything's going to look a lot better to you in the morning.

Undress.

And you call yourself an angel.

Oh come on now, put on some pajamas and get some sleep.

Turn around.

Why?

Why?

Because I'm going to undress, that's why.

Oh come on, Linda.

I mean, first of all, I'm an angel.

Secondly, right now you're a guy.

Why do you keep bringing that up?

I'll change in the powder room.

Oh.

Oh.

Were you the last one to use this?

No angels don't have to.

Well, the next time you see Mr. Gordon would you

mind telling him that when he's finished to put the seat down?

Men.

Well, this is as comfortable as I could find.

Boy, do I feel better.

It's hard to believe what women go through to look good.

I think you look great.

You know, I got to be honest with you,

I was always was afraid to, to approach you, you know.

Kind of like, like you were queen.

I know I was wrong.

I misjudged you.

I mean, you're the, you're one of the most down-to-earth women

I've ever met.

Thanks.

Come on, let's go get those beers.

Wait.

Wait.

Oh, what wait.

I have waited so long to be with you like this.

- What do you mean like this? - You know what I mean.

Look, I gotta tell you how I feel about you,

even if you laugh in my face.

Oh no.

No, no, no.

I'm not laughing see, but this isn't the right time

and I'm nothing like what you think I'm like.

I think is the most wonderful woman in the world.

Yeah, well see, see. Right there.

See, that's a mistake right there, see.

- I love you. - No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Linda, I'm sorry.

Just let me up, please.

Not until you let me explain.

You don't have to explain.

I just made a complete fool out of myself.

You don't understand, Sam.

Yeah, I do understand.

Linda, you're hurting my neck.

Sam, listen.

Listen. It's OK.

What an idiot I was.

No, you weren't.

You weren't an idiot.

Listen, your timing is just off, that's all.

You think you love me but you don't.

The one you really love is Mark.

What?

Mark.

Look, I know it sounds confusing and it is.

Oh God, I wish I'd never asked to be in her shoes.

[thunder crashing]

Jonathan, what if he chooses to leave us like this?

I don't think I can take it.

I just, I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

God, I am sorry I ever asked to be a man.

[thunder crashing]

What is that?

Why is that doing that?

Jonathan, Jonathan what, what is this?

Oh, it is the blackout.

Jonathan.

[thunder crashing]

[screaming]

Mark?

I'm back.

The boss put me back.

[thunder crashing]

[screaming]

Linda.

Oh, Sam.

Li-, Linda, I can't tell you how sorry I am about--

I got my body back.

OK, I promise you one thing, you'll

never be bothered by me again.

Where are you going?

Going back to where I belong.

No, please.

Oh, Sam don't go.

Look, uh, I know I acted rather oddly tonight

but I really wasn't myself.

But I am now.

I really don't want you to go.

You mean that?

Yes, I do.

More than you know.

I love you.

Oh, don't say that unless you mean it because I

love you too much for that.

So do I.

So do I.

LINDA BLACKWELL: Wait, I forgot the bouquet.

OK girls, back here by the door.

Well buddy, your dream came true.

It sure did.

Thanks for helping.

Hey, what are friends for, huh?

Yeah, Mark, I'm a married man now.

Come on Sam, you don't understand.

I know.

I know but we can still be friends.

Thanks.

I don't know how to thank you.

Hey, I didn't do anything.

Well, maybe you can thank the boss for me.

Why don't you do that yourself.

His number is not unlisted.

I will.

All right, here we go.

Uh, hey well, good luck.

I don't know how you live with this fur.

I don't know how you live with those heels.

Good luck.

See you.

I guess you learned a little something from all this, huh.

You bet I did.

You know people have got a tough.

I don't mean just men.

I don't mean just women.

I mean people.

Well, I don't know about that.

What do you mean you don't know about that?

Look how complicated their relationships are.

Everybody's got all these fears and hangups.

Hey, Jonathan, look at that bull out in the pasture.

Now you think he's got any hangups?

You think he worries about being too macho

or about success or money.

No sirree, Bob.

He has got it made.

I mean, all the grass he can eat.

Let me tell you, that's what I call living.

[thunder crashing]

Oh, no.

Wait a minute.

That, that's not what I meant.

Jonathan.

Jonathan do something, will ya.

[mooo] Jonathan.

Jonathan, wait.

Jonathan, wait.

My car.

Jonathan, don't let him wreck my car.

[music playing]

[theme music]