Original subtitles

(quiet, otherworldly music)

(upbeat, electronic music)

(upbeat electronic music continues)

(upbeat, electronic music continues)

(no audio)

(gentle, eerie music)

(gentle, eerie music continues)

(gentle, eerie music continues)

(gentle, eerie music continues)

- (Ollie gasping for breath) - (coughing)

(Ollie continues to cough and gasp)

What the fuck was in that drink,

(sighs) Jack or Everclear?

- (Ollie coughing) - (captive belches)

Everclear.

With a Fentanyl chaser.

You okay, doll?

I just, I could use my inhaler.

Asthma.

Oh fuck!

Where the fuck am I?

What the fuck's going on?

Where the fuck are my clothes?

I don't know.

I had just woke up.

But judging from the light,

I'd say it's about 3:30, 4:00.

What's your story, mate, how'd you get here?

Well, I--

Well I was at Queeries, I was reviewing it for my vlog.

It must have been late last night, it was after 2:00 a.m.,

I was enjoying another round of shooters

when this handsome gent offers, "Can I buy you a whiskey?"

Now I says to myself, "Colin,

"you don't want to offend the handsome fella."

Manners.

So I accepted the offer

just like I accepted the offer for him

to go back to the Thunder Box with me

so as he can watch me piss for a 50.

Also manners.

So we go back to the stall and I lay down my decks,

I'm getting ready to let fly when there's this bright light

and a sharp pain at the back of my cranium.

And that's all I can remember.

What about you, jail bait?

Well--

That's interesting, 'cause you see,

last night I was about to go on stage at the Headliner

when this new assistant stage manager

brought me my pre-show cocktail.

Mama likes to have a little nip before she goes on.

It calms the nerves.

I'm putting my eyelashes on, the next thing you know,

everything's all dizzy and spinney and then boom,

I wake up here, disappointing dozens of my fans.

You a fanny boy?

What?

Drag.

What gave it away, doll?

You're handcuffed to a chair,

God knows why you're more worried about

not doing a show, darling.

(clears throat) My name is Gregory.

But my stage name is Milky Way.

I do outer space themed numbers.

(laughs) E.T. phone homo. (laughing)

Oh for fuck's sake, come on, Harry Potter,

you gonna regalia us with a tail of woe, or not?

My name is Ollie.

I was in the computer lab at Muncie College.

I'm the I.T. guy for the freshman class.

I had the back of a next-era 5200 open

and was thinking about the dummy

who probably spilled beer on the hard drive

and wondering how I was gonna get the smell

of burnt circuitry out of my clothes

when I felt something soft against my face.

Smelled like a York Peppermint Patty dipped in floor wax,

and that's all I can remember.

How old are you, doll?

19.

Oh Christ, you're a kid.

I'm not a kid!

Who's this dickhead, eh?

Should we wake him up?

I'm already awake.

(group freaking out)

For how long?

Since before you.

Why didn't you say something, doll?

Mama nearly popped a testicle.

What's there to say, handcuffs, police issue,

you were all asleep.

I hate idle chatter, especially with myself.

Well aren't you the cool guy of the group.

You've even got your Blues Brother shades on

to make the rest of us feel inadequate.

I think he's visually impaired.

I'm blind, you can say it.

(laughing) The blind guy, the computer nerd,

the drag queen, and the handsome Aussie. (laughing)

Sounds like a deck of Tarot cards.

Or a Sims game. (chuckles)

How come we're all in our underwear, but you're naked?

I don't wear undies.

I like to let my clackers swing free.

(grunts) So what's your story, Blinky?

That's racist.

What, blind people don't blink?

We blink.

My name's Sebastian.

- My seeing eye dog-- - Is special needs.

Let's just call it what it is. (laughs)

Political correctness is for the sighted.

My dog was leading me back from the store

with some dinner things,

yes, I cook, when suddenly,

I felt the lead pulling me in a different direction.

It's 72 steps, then a right, then 53 steps from the store.

But we made a left, then 20 steps, and then another left.

And I realized my dog wasn't the one leading me anymore,

so I stopped.

That's when I felt an arm wrap around my throat.

I think they call it a choke hold. (exhales)

And then I woke up here.

Yes doll, but where is here?

Here? (pattering footsteps)

This is the end of the world.

You, you're the one who took me to the can.

The handle's Stetson.

It's a pleasure to meet y'all, officially.

Yeah okay, that's great.

You wanted to watch me piss

and you still owe me a 50, you wanker!

Are you the one who spiked Mama's drink at the club?

Guilty.

- And ethered me? - Chloroform, kid.

No one's used ether since the 40s.

Chloroform's a bit outdated, but I'm old school.

Okay, whatever, you still owe me a 50, you shifty cunt!

Where's my dog?

Safe, at a no-kill shelter.

I wouldn't do that to an animal.

50 smackers, 50 smackers, 50 smackers, oy oy oy!

S'cuse me.

I want my 50 fucking smack--

(hand slaps face)

There's one, you want the other 49?

Good boy, that's better.

I hate to ask the obvious, Mr. Stetson,

but why are we here?

No need to be so formal, kid,

given the circumstances, Stetson's fine.

And you know why you're here.

Why?

I know what you are.

Oh doll, I get it, God created Adam and Eve,

not Adam and Coco Chanel.

You hate the gays.

No, I love humanity.

I don't care who you stick your wangers into,

the heart wants what the heart wants.

Then why?

You know.

I can promise you I don't.

What do you think we are?

Well not all of you, just one of you,

one of you is an alien.

For fuck's sake, I'm legal, I've got my passport,

I've got my Visa and everything else.

My knees are scraped from sucking dick,

not jumping a fucking border wall!

Jesus, not that kind of alien.

Oh doll, you don't seriously think that--

From out there.

(Colin laughs)

Don't laugh at me!

You think one of us came from up there

in a little space ship? (mimics spaceship) (laughs)

Yeah, good luck building that border wall, man,

around the whole fucking planet!

(gun clicks) Just tell me you're the alien, mate.

I'll make sure that I make it quick.

He's pointing a gun at Colin.

I heard him pull it from the holster

and I can smell the gun oil.

Why in Gaga's name do you think one of us is an alien?

(laughs) Adopted,

sheltered,

home schooled,

and keeps to yourself.

One tends to do that when one cannot see.

A blind man at a party

is like finding pickled beets at a salad bar.

Dude!

The point is, we all have been alienated,

and by God, I say that with no pun intended.

Alienated from society for a long stretch of your lives,

giving you time to watch us, to study us,

to try to fit in with us normals.

Yeah, kidnap four gents, tie us up

and accuse us of being an extra bloody terrestrial,

that's real fucking normal, mate.

What you said might be true,

but if what you say applies to being an alien,

what makes you think only one of us isn't human?

Why not all of us?

Shut up, you'll give him ideas.

I'm pretty sure it's just one of you,

but I can't be too careful.

I need to stop you before you destroy us.

Well then why don't you just kill all of us?

Shut up!

I told you, I love humanity.

I wanna kill the monster, not be the monster.

If you find the alien and kill it,

will you let the rest of us go?

Yes.

Well why should we believe you?

I have no desire to kill my own race.

What?

I meant species, kid.

Calm down.

Don't let the cowboy hat fool ya.

(Colin laughs)

What, it was funny, what he said was funny,

you're a funny guy.

And believe me, we're gonna find him, together.

Well I don't know about the rest of you,

but I could go for a drink.

Aren't you hung over?

Well yeah, but I was talking about fuckin' water, kid.

Stop calling me kid!

I drink other stuff than alcohol.

I'm Australian, not Irish.

[Stetson] That's a good idea.

That can be our first test.

Test?

Not thirsty?

He's blind, you idiot.

He can still smell it, his senses are sharper than ours.

- (Sebastian gulps) - (water gurgles)

Don't smear my lipstick.

- (water trickles) - (Gregory gulps)

Oh, I'm not drinking after him.

What?

I'm not drinking after the fanny boy.

You self-hating son-of-a-bitch!

Fuck off, you woke wanker!

Who knows what kind of germs you've got,

he's got, you've all got!

(gun clicks)

Drink.

Fuck it.

Right oh, cheers, big ears, come on.

- (Colin spits) - (water trickles)

Could use a bit of vodka.

One more time.

- (bottle crackles) - (Ollie coughs)

- I knew it! - No!

I'm just a kid!

- (gun blasts) - (bullet tinkles)

(Stetson laughs)

What the fuck did you just do?

He reacted to the water, he was the alien!

The fuck's wrong with you?

He had asthma, you idiot.

You prompted an attack

and conveniently forgot to provide him with his inhaler!

God dammit.

He was 19. (crying)

- God dammit! - Murderer!

This isn't my fault, this is on all of you.

If the alien had just come forward,

I wouldn't have had to--

Give it up, you Q-sucking dickhead!

There are no aliens, there're no Martians,

there are no fucking aliens, nut job!

I have to be right, I have to be right,

I have to be right.

You never said why you think we might be aliens.

What?

You never said why you think

the four of us might be aliens!

It's none of your business.

(gasps) You kidnapped us, held us captive,

and now just involved us in a murder!

I think that qualifies.

I can smell the fear in your sweat.

Why us, why?

- Okay. - (chair rattles)

All of you have been involved in a strange event,

a suspicious event, and it brought you to my attention.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Don't yell at me.

Oh, forgive me for raising my voice

after seeing a kid blown away for having a bit of a cough.

What are you gonna do to me if I fart,

stab me in the fucking neck?

I did my research.

I saw how each of you was raised.

And over the past year and a half,

each of you has been involved in a strange event.

Last January, before you came to this country,

your house was attacked by kangaroos, dozens of them.

They shattered windows, they dented cars,

they tried to break down your doors,

and an hour later, they were all dead.

No reason for the attack, no clue why they all died.

It was mating season.

They were all males.

Well maybe it was my cologne.

How the fuck am I supposed to know

what kind of affect Tommy Hilfiger has on a marsupial?

Three months ago, after one of your shows,

your entire audience had a shared nightmare

of screaming lights in the sky.

It was popper's night, doll,

I'm surprised half of them

didn't drive off cliffs on the way home.

And how do you explain that they all came down

with type one diabetes?

Next time, with the vodka, order a Coke Zero.

How did you lose your sight?

I'd rather not.

(gun clicks)

Oh, oh high quality you are,

pointing a gun at the blind guy.

Killing that kid had a real lasting impact, didn't it?

Shut up.

Well?

I've been blind since birth. (exhales)

Your medical file says you lost it five years ago.

I lied! (exasperated sigh)

When people think you've recently become blind,

all you get asked is questions

about how hard it is to learn Braille.

But when they know you were born blind,

it's all, "Do you have super hearing?

"Do you remember my face when you touch it?

"If I'm on my period, can you smell it?

"If I fart a block away, can you smell it?"

(Colin laughing)

So the medical file's wrong?

So what else do you want from me, a Hellen Keller joke?

Believe me, I've heard 'em all.

Wait a minute, what about him?

Doesn't really matter much now, does it?

No, I suppose it doesn't,

but I'd love to hear your backwards fucking logic.

What do you mean?

What he means, doll,

as interesting as these curious fables of yours are,

how do they prove your point?

Well they prove that,

they prove that,

I don't need proof, I know I'm right!

I feel it.

Hey, Madame Leota, fuck your feeling.

There's a condition worse than blindness,

seeing something that isn't there!

Oh doll, you've gone and upset the blind man.

Fuck you and fuck you too!

You don't know, you just don't know!

And besides, doll, even if one of us is an alien,

why do you want to kill it?

We've been going about our lives,

minding our own business, what's the problem?

Hey tin foil, how about some water?

- (bottle crackles) - (water trickles)

It's a preemptive measure.

You see, doll, you haven't been minding your own business.

(water trickles)

Well suit yourself.

Three years ago, my wife got pregnant.

I maxed out my credit card

on pacifiers and camouflage diapers. (chuckles)

Five months into the pregnancy, the doctor came to us,

-told us, -(quiet, eerie music)

It was a Down Syndrome baby.

I wanted it gone.

How would I face my buddies?

You did something wrong.

A real man has a real baby.

It is a real baby.

Shut the fuck up, Midnight.

Then one night, I got it,

I understood, it wasn't my fault.

It had to be an outside influence.

An alien.

Oh doll.

Well it wasn't just me, it wasn't just that,

it's climate change, it's COVID,

it's inflation, it's autism

and the list keeps getting longer and longer.

It just isn't natural.

And your mind went straight to alien.

We are racing toward the end of the world

and I have to stop it, do you understand?

I have to stop it!

What happened to the child?

Stetson, what happened to your son and your wife?

I need to hydrate.

- (gentle, eerie music) - (water trickles)

It gets you when you're dry, when your mind is dry.

All right look, right,

you think one of us is a Martian,

you've already offed one of us,

how many more are you gonna off before you give it up, mate?

None of you have any families,

none of you have a wife and kids,

none of you has a real job.

Hey.

Www.ColinSwallows.com.

Google it, you prick.

No one will miss you,

no one will look for you,

and I won't stop until I find him.

Well that didn't work.

- (quiet, ominous music) - (Sebastian yells out)

(Sebastian grumbling)

The water didn't affect you,

let's see if your blood reacts to this.

Wait, water killed the aliens in "Signs"

and now you're doing the blood test from "The Thing?"

Hold on a tick, you're testing us

with stuff from the fucking movies?

Have you seen "They Live?"

It's all right there.

Aliens trying to influence us,

invading right under our noses.

(quiet, ominous music)

- (Gregory gasps) - You're next.

(quiet, ominous music)

That doesn't hurt?

I won't give you the satisfaction, doll.

Besides, I've had better.

Odds that it's you just went up to 50%.

(quiet, eerie music)

(dramatic, menacing music)

- (Colin screams) - (laughs)

- Scare-cam you, du-- - (gun blasts)

[Gregory] It's oh for two, doll.

It had to be him, it had to!

I did the test.

Hey, listen to Mama, the test will not work

because there is no alien.

But but--

- There is no alien. - No, no.

No.

You got dealt a bad hand, doll.

They say life sucks for a reason, you know.

But I did my research, I did the research!

You used a microscope with a fractured lens.

The facts didn't add up to your beliefs

so you read them wrong until they did.

You've killed two innocent people, doll.

Four if you count your wife and child.

No.

But you can fix it, doll, you can end it.

- (quiet, eerie music) - End it?

[Gregory] Yes.

Will the pain go away?

I promise.

No more pain.

No more pain?

No more pain.

We'll tell everyone that you were a hero,

that you defended your country, the human race.

(quiet, menacing music)

Humanity.

(gun blasts)

- (body thumps) - (gun clatters)

(Sebastian whimpers)

He's dead?

Yeah.

Did he say humanity or you manatee?

I don't know and don't care.

Do you think there really was an alien?

Don't tell me you've fallen

for his paranoid fantasies, doll.

People are quick to embrace a new reality

when they can't deal with the old one.

I really shouldn't complain,

that probably explains half of my audience.

How long do you think we've been here?

This all happened so fast.

True, and it was over in a blink.

[Echoing Voice] It was over in a blink.

(quiet, menacing music)

Do you have super hearing?

Blind people don't blink?

We blink.

[Echoing Voice] We need to hydrate.

Blind people don't blink?

We blink.

- (snapping) - (menacing, dramatic music)

Blind people don't blink?

We need to hydrate.

Blind people don't blink?

We blink.

Do you guys think--

[Echoing Voice] Blind people don't blink?

[Echoing Voice] We blink.

- (echoing voices) - (menacing, dramatic music)

[Echoing Voice] We blink.

We blink.

We blink.

- Holy shit. - (dramatic, ominous music)

Ah, you figured it out, doll.

I should've known it would've been you.

Oh!

The human brain isn't capable

of handling five senses very well.

It spreads itself too thin, but you only have four,

more than enough brain power to give each one

the attention they deserve.

(cuffs clatter)

God, I hate sitting for so long. (cracks neck)

I could've ended this earlier,

but I was genuinely curious to see where it would go.

Three dead bodies, that's where it went.

Am I supposed to feel bad for them?

I really was kidnapped, just like you, doll.

(dramatic, menacing music)

I can't believe I let my guard down.

Spiked drink, oldest trick in the Milky Way.

Hm.

(dramatic, menacing music)

I am as superior to humans as humans are to ants,

or a paramecium.

(dramatic, menacing music)

I knew it.

(dramatic, ominous music)

(zipper buzzes)

No offense meant, doll,

I crash landed on this mud ball 30 years ago,

faked a birth certificate so people wouldn't ask questions

and set about to occupy myself until help arrived.

Only it didn't!

I mean, I know space is vast,

but following a photon plasma exhaust trail

is kiddie level physics for fuck's sake!

I went into drag for two reasons.

One, practicality.

Do you see this eye shadow and lipstick?

Oh, (laughs) wait, I'm sorry, doll,

I forgot.

- (squelching hands) - (Sebastian whimpers)

It's real.

I put on makeup when I go out,

but on stage it's just all part of the show.

In fact, I've often wondered how many drag queens

are actually aliens.

You said there were two reasons.

What's the second one.

Mama's a performer!

(dramatic, ominous music)

Stetson was right, you know,

climate change, COVID, autism, all mine.

Except for inflation, that's just increased demand

and higher production costs.

Not my fault.

[Sebastian] But why?

Open your eyes, oh, (chuckles)

you humans are blight on the galaxy.

You all come from the same place, share the same background,

and yet you hate each other in your quest

to prove your superiority.

White skin, black skin, hetero, homo,

I pray to this god, I pray to that god.

Over eight billion species in the Universe

and nobody else does this!

Welcome to Earth, come for the pie, stay for the atrocities.

I really liked you, you know,

you getting mixed up in all this,

totally my fault and I'm really sorry about that,

and it really is hypocritical of me

to talk about man's inhumanity to man

and then have to kill you,

but I'm not a man, not technically.

You see, normally, I'd let you go,

but you'll go and tell people,

and even if they think you're crazy,

there'll be one or two Stetsons

that will wanna come find out for their selves,

-and as they say, -(dramatic, ominous music)

the show's on the stage.

(glasses clatter)

Now, shall we just do a one, two, three, snap,

or shall I make it a surprise?

Wait!

A favor.

Yes?

I'd like to see the face of the superior race.

How can you see the face, oh.

Okay, fine.

I suppose I can spare a few moments.

- (dramatic, menacing music) - (eerie muttering)

(Gregory screaming)

Why did you do that?

Even playing field.

Mother fucking human, I can't see!

Welcome to the club!

- (gun blasts) - (Gregory shrieks)

- (gun blasts) - (Gregory shrieks)

(chair clatters)

(energetic, dramatic music)

(energetic, dramatic music continues)

Well it's been a crazy day.

- (dramatic, menacing music) - (bulb buzzing)

(dramatic, menacing music continues)

(dramatic, menacing music continues)

(dramatic, menacing music continues)

(dramatic, menacing music continues)