Original subtitles

(soft discordant music)

(upbeat techno music)

(tense instrumental music)

(upbeat dance music)

[Audience Member] Hurry up, baby, nice.

Look at that tail.

Shake it, baby.

Yeah, get down on your knees.

The ears, love the ears.

Oh, hop on over here, baby, come on, come on.

Shake it, then, shake it.

Hi, baby, looking good.

Yes, I love it, I love it.

Yeah, take it all, take it all.

Oh, where you going?

Come back here, baby, come on.

Nice ass, woohoo, nice job.

Everyone, let's give it up for Hoppy, the Marvelous Bunny.

Was he good, boys?

Yeah.

Only the best down here at Willy's Bar & Grill.

Or should I say, "Grrr."

(watch beeps)

Am I right?

Oh, I have a special surprise now.

He's blown, I mean flown,

thousands of light years to be here.

Let's give a big Willy's welcome to that extraterrestrial

with something really extra.

It's Ace from Outer Space.

(audience clapping)

[Audience Member] Come on, Ace.

(mystical instrumental music)

Take it off.

There you go.

Yeah, I got somebody for you right over here, baby.

Right over here.

Keep it going.

Keep it going, baby.

Yeah, tear it off.

Oh, yeah, ass has got nothing on this guy, shake it.

Come on, get it all off.

Get it all off.

(audience clapping)

We love you.

We love you, space man.

Oh, here it goes.

We finally get to see the other head, come on.

(audience clapping)

(watch beeps)

Ace, everyone, invading your personal space.

15-minute intermission, boys,

then Hoppy will return in leaps

and bounds to entertain you.

In the meantime, let's drink up.

Don't forget tonight's special: space spritzers.

$10.25 gets you a tall one.

[Hoppy] How'd you do?

Probably a bunch of "Star Wars" nerds out there.

Just call me Bart Vader.

How's the wife and kids?

Good, number four on the way.

Oh, Hoppy again?

Don't you have any other characters?

Cowboys and construction workers are so boring.

But they bring in the cash.

Who wants to fuck a rabbit?

Your mama, ready.

Oh, at least dye your balls pink or blue or something.

It's Easter for Christ's sakes.

Oh, hey, I got a question for you,

and hint, there's only one right answer.

- Shoot. - Private lap dance.

You interested?

- Sure. - Bingo.

That's the right answer.

He's in the Magnolia room.

- What's he like? - Kinda spacey.

(watch beeps)

Private lap dance?

I'm not here for the pie.

Come for the lap dance, stay for the pie.

- (soft rhythmic music) - Do you have any Adele?

- (music player clicks) - (soft jazzy music)

- Better. - First the rules.

Rules?

We don't need no stinking rules.

These we do.

One, no touching.

What if I was blind?

Would you hand me notes telling me

what you're taking off in braille?

Two, keep your dick in your pants.

Can I take it out if its name is Kyle?

Three, if I want to go further, it'll cost you.

- Cash only. - (card falls)

You wouldn't like where I was gonna swipe it anyway.

I go further for tips,

and the more you tip, the further I go.

How much for here to Pacoima?

- You're funny. - I think I am.

That's what I was originally gonna say.

- Ouch. - And four, officially,

this establishment doesn't allow private lap dances,

especially ones with bonus features.

I get it.

What happens in Vegas, don't talk about Fight Club.

That leads me into rule number five.

You have to tell me if you're a cop.

- I do? - It's the law, I think.

Tuition for law school is that high, is it?

I'm not dancing for my health.

And yet you look pretty, healthy.

- You look pretty healthy. - Genetics.

A package of bacon has more fat than my whole family.

Can I get a ticket to your next reunion?

So?

Well, what?

Are you a cop?

Oh, no, no, I'm not a cop.

I'm an alien.

- What? - An alien.

You know, activating cerebral thesaurus.

Alien, extraterrestrial, outer space immigrant,

strange visitor from another planet.

Martian?

Please, all Martians are aliens,

but not all aliens are Martians.

That is racist.

Besides, you wouldn't like Mars anyway.

It's nothing but a bunch of Taco Bells

and subterranean strip malls.

Okay, they got Taco Bells on Mars?

How'd they get there from Earth?

They didn't; they started on Mars and franchised to Earth.

You know, you would be surprised how many fast food chains

have their corporate headquarters in black holes.

And given where you expel your digested food,

the irony is really astonishing.

What's your name?

There's not really a pronunciation

for it in your language.

The closest I can come up with is Aloysius.

Say it in your language.

Okay, I'll try, Aloysius.

Why are you here?

(watch beeps)

You know what, enough of the questions.

I feel like we're in the middle of a transaction.

[Ace] I don't believe in life in other planets.

Are you sure?

'Cause that ass is out of this world

Some guy told me that last week.

Well, maybe he was an alien too, from Uranus.

I was waiting for that one.

What can I say?

There's a reason they're called classics.

Let me guess.

You're a few thousand years old.

10, thank you.

I try to eat right and exercise.

You've got like technology

beyond anything we have here.

You guys still poop.

You don't poop?

No, we carry around mini transporters that beam...

I realize I said beam; calm down.

Beam the waste out of our bodies.

No fuss, no muss.

It breaks down the digested food

into sub-particles and disperses them

- into the air. - That's wild.

It still smells like shit though.

Science can only do so much.

Okay, so you're so old,

you could leave your initials on a pyramid,

technology literally out the wazoo,

and you're parked on your glutes

in a dirty little strip club on Earth on a Sunday night?

As civilizations go, space man, not that advanced.

One finds one's little pleasures where one can.

And brother, that is the smartest thing

that anyone will ever tell you.

So assuming I believe you...

- Assume away. - Why are you here?

(watch beeps)

- So... - Ace.

Ace, that's your real name?

No, but it'll do.

What, want my real name?

Maybe my home address and credit rating?

Fine, Ace it is.

So why are you here?

I see we're at that portion

of the evening's entertainment.

I'm not very entertained yet.

Aren't you supposed to take something off?

- That's extra. - (soft music)

Fast or slow?

Fast, we're a bit pressed for time.

(tense music)

(Aloysius inhales)

Still here, I believe you were dancing?

I love the way you smell.

Tommy Hilfiger for men.

No, you humans.

You smell through your noses.

You know, 86% of sentient life forms use olfactory gills?

It's a lot more efficient,

but it's hard to smother one with a pillow.

- Okay. - So again, I ask,

why are you here?

Everybody's gotta be good at something.

So you took an aptitude test

and the computer spit this out?

Was it above or below event coordinator?

Did you choose to be an alien or was the job

that wraps plastic around the ends of shoelaces taken?

Smart ass, that is just a descriptive term.

On my planet, you'd be an alien

and charged more for yogurt toppings.

I got your yogurt toppings right here.

- Nice, shorts. - That's extra.

Fast or, never mind.

So 100 billion galaxies and you are on Earth?

I'm the advance scout.

I was sent to find out what Earth's defenses

- are like before we invade. - Extra.

It's a who lives, who dies,

who tells your story kind of thing thing.

All right, that's enough.

So what?

Like you're gonna eat us or something?

You've been watching too much Twilight Zone.

No, at the worst, we'll probably

just make you all intergalactic social workers.

And then why invade us?

We're a reactionary race.

$0.10 surcharge on plastic bags ended

in a 30-year civil war.

No, we were just scanning the cosmos

and we saw you Earthlings committing a crime

so heinous we have to invade you.

Racism?

Child abuse, Fox News.

Hanging your toilet paper with a loose end underneath.

Told you we were reactionary.

I thought you were after our freedom.

Freedom, oh, man.

You guys throw that word around like you have Tourettes.

It has lost all meaning.

- Shut up. - (watch beeps)

I'm sorry, I don't know what button I pushed.

- Do you want to talk about it? - That's extra.

Bob was my older brother, Dad's favorite.

From the day he was born.,

my dad had no eye for anybody else.

Bob was the smartest.

Bob was the best-looking.

Bob got all the girls.

Dad didn't even come to the hospital when I was born.

He was at Bob's Little League game.

I was an incidental, a blind spot.

Mom died and it got worse.

I didn't exist anymore.

I ran away from home at 16.

He never missed me.

Bob got one of his girls pregnant

and Dad got him to join the military.

Can't be responsible if you're not around,

- right? - Theoretically.

Bob went to Afghanistan.

They told him there were snipers, snipers everywhere.

Always wear your helmet, they said.

Always keep your eyes to the skies, they said.

And he did, he kept his eyes to the skies.

And that's why he never saw the landmine

when he stepped on it; killed instantly.

Funny thing is he was blown into 10 even pieces.

Bob was still perfect, even dead.

What are the odds?

Three million to one.

Bob died at 3:17 AM on October 2nd.

At the same time, I owned four private gyms.

Ran 'em myself.

How'd you afford that?

Blew a lot of investors.

Use your talents, you know?

I was gay.

Hell, I wasn't just gay.

- I was-- - Good at it?

Fuck yeah, guys with money know other guys with money

and they all liked blow jobs.

If wives sucked more dick,

the entire corporate investment world would collapse.

You are not wrong.

I heard about Bob and I came home.

Dad would notice me now, right?

I was a hard worker.

I was a success.

Found him on the couch in his boxers.

They were piss-stained and stank.

He hadn't shaved in days or eaten.

"What can I do for you, Dad?

"How can I help?"

He lifted his head and he asked, "Who are you?"

- Ouch. - I told him I was his son.

He said, "My son is dead," and I guess I was.

I walked out of his house and I never went back.

Sold my gyms, got a tiny little apartment,

money ran out and got a job here.

Using your talents, for extra.

Hey, hey, you're not getting your money's worth.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be a downer.

So what's your story?

Let me guess.

You were gay, your family rejected you,

so you joined a sheep farm and then you fell in love

with another purple people leader, but he was killed,

so you joined space academy to fight the war of the worlds.

No, homophobia's really only found on this planet.

Really?

Space is so queer.

Are you gonna keep on those Flash Gordon undies?

[Ace And Aloysius] That's extra.

And do aliens use money?

We do now.

Before, the Intergalactic Bank

decreed blow jobs as currency.

Taking out a payment plan on a flat screen TV

meant investing in a crate of Chapstick.

Plus, it created this weird uneven monetary tier.

Creatures with blow holes or no teeth

just became billionaires overnight.

- (Ace slaps) - All yours.

You never told me your story.

Well, it's remarkably similar to yours.

Space isn't just "Star Trek" babies; it's vast.

Really, really huge.

And most of it's empty,

so you add two plus two and you get boring.

So when they said, "Let's terrorize every human on Earth,

"let's turn the air and water into poison.

"let's strip their jungles into waste lands..."

No, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Okay, they said, "Let's burn things,

"let's drown things, let's kill things,

"and commit atrocity after atrocity,

"and were there any volunteers?"

And so I said, "Well, okay."

It was something to do.

Plus, I didn't feel comfortable at home

once I caught Voyager 1 peeking through my bedroom curtains.

That's nothing like my story.

- How much to touch? - Two bills.

And a bargain at the price.

It's the least I can do knowing the world's

about to be conquered and all.

Oh, I could stop it.

What?

Oh, I could totally abort the invasion.

I am the advance scout.

If I told them that Earth was too dangerous

or not worth the trouble, they would just leave.

Reactionary, remember?

Then stop it.

- Why? - Because.

That's the argument of a four-year-old.

You have had a rough life,

you have been treated terribly,

and your story is one of a billion people with the same one.

Why keep going?

For the other six billion who still have hope.

Okay, okay, I'm sport.

I'll tell you what.

If you can show me one good thing about humanity,

I'll stop the invasion.

One act of kindness.

One good quality.

You have two minutes, go.

- The Bible. - Be serious.

The Bill of Rights.

That was 1789.

Do you have anything more current?

"Dancing with the Stars?"

You're lucky I don't

incinerate the entire planet right now.

RuPaul's "Drag Race."

What was with that bitch Tyra Sanchez?

Raven should have won.

- Waffle fries. - God, I love those.

I don't know.

- Stop the invasion. - That's extra.

(zipper unzips)

(member shines)

(sensual music)

(Aloysius laughs)

(Aloysius moans)

- (tense music) - Shazbot.

[Watch] Verify you are not a computer.

Tap every picture with a bicycle.

Tap every picture with a traffic light.

The mission has been aborted.

If you'd like to extend your car warranty-

(watch beeps)

Well, you did it.

Guess this liver spot of the Milky Way

is around a little bit longer.

No one will ever know how close they came to the end.

Better not peek at the end of your story.

If Sherlock Holmes knew who the villain was,

he wouldn't even bother solving the mystery.

So, what now?

Well, people just go back to doing their everyday thing.

As long as they don't put together

that two plus two equals boring,

then we'll have to do this all over again.

You wanna get something to eat?

Sure; hey, how about waffle fries?

(soft upbeat music)

- Barbarians. - (mystical instrumental music)