Original subtitles

- Right, here we are.

- The House of Hell.

- Wish us luck, then.

- Yeah,

and we'll try not to

- get off with your dad.

- (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Um, actually, if you could just wait here

for a sec while we...

- Huh?

- We'll be really quick.

- What do you mean?

- We just need to nip in and...

I thought we were finally

meeting your parents tonight.

No, no, you are finally

meeting our parents tonight.

We just need to check on some stuff.

You mean threaten your mum and dad

with an axe if they embarrass you.

- (LAUGHS)

- What?!

That's so what they're doing.

- Er, Adam?

- I'll turn the radio on.

...Both women were found

shot in the head.

- Thanks.

- (LAUGHS)

Love you, babe!

- Rumbled.

- A million percent.

- Ready?

- Yep.

Candles?!

- Unbelievable!

- Unbelievable!

- (BLOWS)

- Flowers?!

Unbelievable!

- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

- Music?!

Unbelievable!

(BLOWS)

(MUTTERING)

- It's called soup.

- Agh!

What you doing, you buggers?

Why are you in a suit?

- We said no suit.

- Yeah!

Where's your females?

- (GROANS) "Females."

- And you better not

get their names wrong tonight.

Gloria and Elizabeth?

- What?

- No - Lucy -

they're both called Lucy!

- Are they?

- Yes!

Now listen. Don't tell your mother -

cos she's a bleeding stress ball tonight -

- but this soup is...

- Are they here?

- Are they here?!

- Shit.

(JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)

- Where's the lovely Lucys?

- It's OK, Mum, calm down.

- Oh, don't say you've been dumped.

- Huh?

I knew it - I knew they'd dump you!

Er, we haven't been dumped,

thank you!

- Well, where are they, then?

- They're in the car, but first...

The car?!

What are they doing in the car?!

And what happened to my candles,

and where are my flowers?

We said no candles

and no flowers, remember?

Just let the girls in, will you?

And we definitely said no suit for Dad.

What? He looks nice.

He looks like an undertaker.

- Anus.

- Charming. We said casual.

I am casual - it's my casual suit.

- It's your funeral suit.

- Yes, for casual funerals.

Martin, just lose the bloody suit.

- God!

- (HORN TOOTS)

Is that them?

- Shit.

OK - last-minute rules.

- Rules?

- No embarrassing baby stories.

- Adam doing toilet on the stairs.

- Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms.

No kissing us on the head.

And absolutely no crying

or getting emotional.

So I should just be a machine,

then, should I?

Yes. A silent machine.

- Come on.

- And Dad!

- What?

- No talking about the economy,

or Britain's bloody waterways.

Which are criminally underused.

Exactly. No physics, dustbins...

ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man

kill a duck with a hammer.

Turkey with a brick.

- Maybe Dad should put his suit on again.

- Oh, pissing hell!

Make your bloody mind up.

Right!

Oh, my Bobbles -

both with girlfriends!!

- (KISSES)

- Mum...

- (KISSES)

- Mum!

Briefing over?

Really, they are such gorgeous flowers.

Thank you, Lucy,

and thank you...Lucy!

Pleasure.

But my Lucy's flowers are slightly nicer

than Adam's Lucy's flowers,

- aren't they, Mum?

- Jonny!

Pissface.

Don't be silly, Jonathan -

they are both gorgeous.

And so are the flowers!

- I like your mum already!

- Me too!

Come through.

Good evening, everyone.

Ahh - the family undertaker.

A pleasure to meet you both.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Martin, you're not the Prime Minister.

- What? M Goodman.

- ALL: "M"?

Yes, M, you berks, for Martin.

(LAUGHS) As opposed to?

Martin with an F - "Fartin"!

(CHORTLES)

He's just turned seven.

Come through. I love these flowers!

Lads - soup.

- What?

- Huh?

- You all right?

- Hmm?

Do sit anywhere, sweeties.

- Thanks.

- Ooh, I'm loving the big photos!

- Oh, yeah.

- Really? The boys hate them.

We do.

JACKIE: Silly.

Ooh!

Er...you can sit on Adam, if you like.

- Martin!

- Um, I'm OK, thanks.

- He's a strong lad.

- Dad!

Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big lass.

Um, that's good to know.

Martin!

Yes, do keep talking.

Ooh - the champagne. Go on.

Jackie has made chicken soup tonight.

Er, yes. Thank you.

And your waiter for this evening is...

- (THEY LAUGH)

- But if you don't want any,

that's not a problem at all.

That's not a weird thing to say.

Are you feeling all right?

- Hmm?

- Well, I love chicken soup.

Oh, man, just give it to me

in a bucket!

A bucket!

- Actually, make that two buckets!

- And two straws!

Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?!

BOYS: Yes, Mum.

Er, but if you do change your minds,

other items are provided.

That's not a much weirder thing to say.

Just get the champagne,

- will you, weirdo?

- Oh, yeah.

Cos I was meant to get the champagne

when I was out buying the potatoes.

Yes, that's right.

You forgot the champagne, didn't you?

I remembered the potatoes.

Oh, Martin!

Seriously?

One second.

Just talk to the girls, will you?

What? (SEXY VOICE)

Of course I'll talk to the girls.

Rowrr!

Please don't talk to the girls.

Right, lads - come on.

- Sorry?

- What?

- I need a word.

- Well, go on, then.

Well, not in here, you pillocks.

Not in front of the...

...females.

BOTH LUCYS: "Females"?

Oh, my God.

In my, you know...office.

- Urgh.

- Office means toilet.

Seriously, just get it over with.

- Get what over with?

- "Females", obviously.

No, it's not females. Now, listen.

If it's about wearing a sheath again,

- well, I'm sorry, but...

- There's glass in the soup.

- What?

- There's what?!

Shh! I don't want your bloody mother

to know!

There's some glass in the soup,

all right?

- All right?!

- Glass in the soup?!

What are you talking about?

- Well, you know what glass is?

- BOTH: Yes.

- And you know what soup is?

- (GROANS)

Well, one of them is in the other.

- How? Why?!

- (SIGHS)

Your mum asked me to stir the soup.

Her first error.

And then I accidentally smashed the bulb

in the extractor fan thing above the pot

and it sort of...

Exploded right into the soup?

Oh, you're such a bloody idiot!

- Shut up!

- Ow!

OK, so there's glass in the soup,

and you want us not to tell Mum,

despite the fact that if she drinks any,

she's going straight to hospital?

Yeah - should I call the ambulance now,

or...?

She's not going to hospital,

stupid babies!

Just don't say a bloody word,

or she'll chop my sodding hands off.

- But Dad...

- And you better not tell your birds.

- We're definitely telling our birds.

- What?!

Why?

Why?! So they don't end up

in intensive care!

Yeah. Next to Mum.

Nothing's going to happen -

I sieved most of the stuff.

Most of it.

Yeah! And I picked out the main shards.

Oh, good, so the main shards

of glass are gone.

What about the less main

shards of glass?

Yeah, the ones that only pierce

the less main organs when swallowed,

you know - like the oesophagus,

- or the spleen.

- (THWACK)

- Dad!

- (KNOCKING)

JACKIE: What are you doing in there?

Hello, my sweet.

- What are you all doing? It's rude.

- Er...

...just having a, you know,

man-to-man chat.

Oh, I see.

Won't be long, love.

They're lovely girls!

And yet, only five minutes later,

she was tearing at her throat in agony.

Berk. So don't say a bloody word, OK?

It had to be tonight, didn't it?

Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass

never did anyone any harm.

- Huh?

- What?

Just drink from the side of the bowl,

don't touch anything on the bottom.

We have to eat glass.

(WHINES)

There we are.

Some chickieboo soup for you.

- And a nice big bucket for you!

- Ha!

Thanks.

Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh...

Silly me - I forgot my own spoon.

Or maybe I'll get myself a straw,

eh, girls?

- (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

- I'm sorry,

but glass? You've got to tell your mum.

- Luce.

- Obviously you have to tell her.

(SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't

really work like that

in this house, does it, Jonny?

No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad?

Mmm?

And you're going to drink that, are you?

What do you think I'm going to do with it?

Funnel it up my bum?

Look, just drink from the side

of the bowl, and you should be fine.

So we're just going to sit here

and watch your mum choke to death,

are we?

It is sort of the easiest option.

Sorry, everyone.

How's the soup?

- Lovely.

- It's really nice.

Aww, thanks.

So...

Er...the school I work in

has just had a swimming pool put in.

Oh! Um, has it?

Yeah. Ha!

Erm, but, erm...

I wish our office had a swimming pool!

Oh, do you?

And is it a nice big office, then?

Um, well, it's just two of us, really,

but still, a pool would be nice.

Oh, God, yeah,

- a pool!

- (DOORBELL)

I'll get it.

And please - someone eat something!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"?

And you're having more?!

Glass-Eater of the Year.

Shut your gobs!

Right, well, if you don't say anything,

we bloody will.

Yeah! God - all right!

Gitfaces.

Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone, but...

Hello, all!

- Oh, no...

- Hello, Jim.

Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour.

- Friend.

- Neighbour.

Neighbour and friend.

- (MILSON WHINES)

- Er...?

Boys, your mother told me

you'd both brought girls round

- for dinner.

- Er, yes.

And are those the girls?

- I think so.

- Yes, Jim, those are the girls.

Hello, girls.

- BOTH: Hi.

- I'm Lucy.

I'm... I'm also Lucy.

So you're...one person...

...in two bodies?

- What?!

- Er, well, goodnight, Jim.

Oh, yes.

Oh, just to let you know,

Milson's been sick.

Right, well, thanks for letting us know.

All over your drive.

Wonderful.

- Here, Jackie.

- Mmm.

A nice big bag of dog sick.

Maybe just put that in your bin

when you get home?

Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin.

Bye, all!

Yes, goodbye...

...the Lucy.

- Erm, he seemed nice.

- He's not.

So, you are gonna tell her, aren't you?

Oh, shut your face!

Oh, I do apologise.

Maybe we can all

get back to our meal, then, eh?

Argh!

Are you all right, Martin?

Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy.

JACKIE: Martin?

Er, what are you doing?!

So terribly dizzy.

Er...

Oh, my God. Why did you do that?

- Huh?

- You just poured all my soup away!

Did I? I don't remember.

OK, just give me your soup, will you,

and stop mucking about.

- (MARTIN GROANS)

- Martin!

I am sorry, girls.

Ha! That's OK...

Well, come on, then.

Ohh, dizzy again.

Oh, my God.

- Arghhh!

- (JACKIE SQUEALS)

- God!

- Dad!

Jesus!

- Martin!

- Burning! Burning!

(SQUEALS)

That's better.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? I told you,

I just suddenly felt all...

OK. Are you trying to show off?

Is that it?

Are you trying to impress the girls?

The young girls?

- Impress the young girls?!

- Cos I've got news for you,

Martin Goodman -

they're your sons' girlfriends!

Jackie, you make it sound as if

I'm having intercourse with them!

Er...

- Sorry.

- Oh, hi. Thanks.

Just put them over there.

- (GASPS) The girls left everything.

- Well...

...maybe they're just not that mad

on chicken soup.

Martin, they said they wanted

to drink it out of a bloody bucket!

Oh, God! They hate my food.

Course they don't hate your food.

- They do! I've ruined everything.

- Jackie...

They're gonna dump them,

Martin, I know it.

- They're going to dump the boys!

- Er...

Oh!

- Er...

- Probably best

if we stop coming in and out

of the kitchen.

Just wait in the bleeding dining room,

will you?!

How kind.

Come on, Jackie. In a couple of minutes,

we'll all be tucking in

- to your delicious roast chicken.

- Which they'll hate.

They won't hate your chicken!

Oh, come here.

I know it sounds silly, Martin,

but it's a big night for me.

I know, love, I know.

A very big night.

Oh, Martin.

(KNOCKING)

- Eh?

- Who the hell's that?

Sick again, Jackie!

Here we are.

Ah, yes, the chicken -

which is without glass?

- (THWACK)

- Ow!

Right.

Chickieboo for you.

Thanks, Mum.

And chickieboo for you.

Chickieboo!

Chickiebooboo!

(ALL LAUGH)

Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous

roast chicken tonight,

and we both hope that you enjoy the taste.

- Er... thanks.

- Thanks.

Please put your crack pipe away.

- Er, Jonny and I are going away tomorrow.

- Are you?

Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton

for the weekend. Isn't that cool?

Aww, isn't that nice of her?

And so modern!

Well, it is the 19th century!

Are you going to take Adam away

for the weekend?

Dad!

A dirty weekend?!

(CHORTLES)

God! (SIGHS)

Ignore him, love.

(TUTS)

- Er...nice chicken?

- God, it's good.

- Oh, it's so nice.

- See, Jackie?

The girls don't hate your food.

So, what are you two up to

this weekend, then?

Um, well, we thought

we might just kinda do a lazy

pub lunch thing, you know?

Ooh, I love a pub lunch!

I'm sure it won't be as nice as this,

though, Jackie.

- (JONNY MOUTHS)

- JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie!

(MOUTHS)

Everything all right?

Mmm?

What are you looking at in there?

Girls, I think he's found those nails

I added earlier!

(JACKIE LAUGHS)

What?

What?!

(SIGHS)

- There's glass in the chicken!

- The food's got glass in it.

- Huh?

- You bloody sods!

- Dad!

- Dad!

Martin, oh, my God!

- (THWACK)

- Ow!

There's glass in the food?

- Um...

- Er...

Don't you dare!

Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass

- in the chicken.

- Glass in the chicken.

- You shitheads!

- And also in...

And also in the soup.

You shitting shitheads!

So there was glass in the food,

and you didn't tell me?

Well, they didn't tell you, did they?

- (OTHERS GASP)

- Oh, my God!

That is so low!

I can't believe it! My entire dinner

had bloody glass in it!

Not the bread.

- The bread didn't have glass in it.

- (THWACK)

Ow!

Do you know how long

I sweated over this bloody meal?

- Mum...

- And do you know

how long I've waited for this night?

(SNIFFS) For my boys to bring home...

...their lovely girls?

(SOBS)

Great.

Thanks a lot, arse-brains.

Jackie!

Jackie!

And that's our mum and dad.

- (SNIFFS)

- Here we are.

One extra-large gin and tonic.

Aw, thank you, darlings.

- That's all right.

- Seriously,

you can have it in a bucket if you like.

Sorry, again, love.

Did you say something, Martin?

So...what are we going to have for dinner,

then?

- I could make something.

- Oh, sure.

Yeah, I think we've all swallowed

enough glass tonight, thank you.

There's crumble.

We can't just eat crumble.

We can just eat crumble.

Everyone loves crumble.

I could eat crumble out of a bloody...

...cement-mixer!

Make that two bloody cement-mixers!

With two bloody spades!

You're lovely girls.

- Right, then - crumble for dinner!

- Yay!

Crimble crumble!

Crimble crumble! Aww.

Come on, girls.

Lovely Lucys.

OK - is there any glass in the crumble?

Piss off!

Da-da!

- Crimble crumble!

- Crimble crumble!

What fun, eh, girls?

Oh, yeah.

Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know,

say a few words?

A few words?

Go on, say something nice.

Um...OK, love.

And stand by.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

- Hear ye! Hear ye!

- (GLASS SMASHES)

(ALL GASP)

- Oh, dear.

- Dad!

- Oh, my God!

- You idiot!

I can't believe it!

You just got bloody glass in my crumble!

Jackie, it was an accident.

You've got glass in everything tonight!

Everything!

Calm down, Jackie.

Don't tell me to effing calm down!

Mum!

Right, just get out, will you?

- What? Really?

- You heard me!

You've ruined the whole bloody night!

Just get...

I'm pregnant!

I'm gonna have a baby.

Shi-i-i-it!

I'm sorry?

She's... We're...

Lucy's having a baby.

You mean...

...I'm going to be a grandma?

Well, that's sort of how it works.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Bobble!

- And sweetie-pie!

- Aw, thank you, Jackie!

Oh, that's wonderful!

Yeah, nice one, Pusface.

- Cheers.

- Yeah, I hated having babies.

Er...?

You basically spend the whole time

up to your neck in excrement.

- Thank you.

- Um...

...I'm also pregnant.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

- What?

- What?!

I'm...pregnant as well.

- She's up the duff too?

- Shh!

Shi-i-i-it.

You're pregnant?

What do you mean

you're pregnant?

Why didn't you tell me?

I was going to tell you

when we were away,

and make it all special,

but then this happened...

...and...

Well, aren't you happy?

He certainly looks happy.

Babe!

Of course I'm happy!

It's incredible! Oh, my God!

I can't bloody believe it!

Aww! Lovely Lucy!

And lovely Jonnyboo!

Well done, bambinos!

Just to say, I am definitely going to

faint at some point this evening!

Wow.

Wow.

We're going to be dads.

I know.

Terrible dads.

Obviously terrible dads.

I guess we'll have to...

What?

Grow up.

I know.

You'll still put salt in my water,

though, right?

Oh, yeah -

salt, washing-up liquid, acid.

Cool.

'Scuse me.

What do you think, eh, Dad?

Well, you won't be needing sheaths

for the next couple of months, will you?

- (GROANS)

- Thank you!

Grotty, isn't he?

Absolutely disgusting.

My boys!

- Please...

- Oh, my Bobbles!

Mum!

Oh, I am so happy! I am so bloody happy!

Mum!

Go on, go and see your girls.

Oh, and if you ever do have a wedding,

don't let your dad do the catering!

(LAUGHS)

- You all right over there?

- Yeah.

- Got some rotting egg on my...

- I really don't want to know right now.

Course. Sorry.

We're going to be grandparents, Martin.

I know. I can't believe it.

Do you remember

when the boys were little?

What, little shitting machines?

You're really not spoiling the moment,

Martin.

Sorry, love.

It's wonderful, really, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's just lovely.

Yes!

You've done it, Jackie!

Grandchildren!

You've done it!

- Hello, Jackie!

- Oh, Jim!

Jim, we've just had

- the most amazing news!

- So have I, Jackie.

Milson's just had babies!

(PUPPIES SQUEAK)

I just had no idea that Milson

was pregnant.

Maybe that's why she kept vomiting

all over the place.

- All over our place.

- And to think,

I now have not just one dog,

but a whole box full of dogs.

Come on...baby Milsons.

Aww.

Do you know what? I fancy a boogie.

Girls - a boogie?

- Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie!

- I'll have a boogie!

I'm definitely not having a boogie.

- No way!

- What's a boogie?

- (DANCE MUSIC)

- Oh, that's a boogie.

Come on, Martin!

- Oh!

- Horrible, isn't it?

It's like the start of

some terrifying sex party.

It's all good though, innit, Pusface?

Yeah, Pissface.

It's all good.

Come on.

(ALL CHEER)

Turn it up, Martin, turn it up!

(SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC)

Oh, Martin!

Dad!

Shit on it.