Original subtitles

Agh! Pissface!

- Right.

- Agh!

- Pusface!

- Get off!

Get off, you idiot.

Oh, silly boys.

Er, hi, Auntie Val.

Well, get up, then.

- God, you're such an arsehole.

- You're the arsehole!

Oh, you are going to behave tonight,

aren't you?

- Sorry, where's our normal mum?

- Yeah.

Er, she's not here.

- Not here?

- Murdered her, have you?

Oh, very funny.

No, your mum's, er, in hospital.

- Hospital?

- What?

Don't worry, she's absolutely fine.

Hospital?

She's with your dad.

They'll be back soon.

She's just had a little...

- procedure.

- What, like a...woman's procedure?

Exactly. A woman's procedure.

- So that means?

- That means don't ask.

Correct. So, while Mummy's away,

I'm Mummy.

Aww!

But why didn't she tell us?

Cos she didn't want to worry you,

did she?

- Er, we're not children.

- Naughty.

Sorry. We are children.

- Dad's handiwork?

- Have a guess.

I can't believe she didn't say anything.

- (SLURPS)

- Jonny!

She's not having her head removed,

she's just having a...

- BOTH: Woman's procedure.

- That's right.

Whatever that is.

Well, it can only be one of two things,

can't it?

- Higher or lower.

- Oh!

Agh! Don't be so disgusting.

- I reckon higher.

- Lower. Definitely lower.

Hmm...I think higher.

- (MUFFLED SHOUTS)

- Boys!

Argh!

- Pusface!

- Anyway, I'm just here to help out

a little - tidy up, make dinner.

What? But Mum makes dinner

- on Friday nights.

- Yeah.

Ohhh, but does Mum make roast lamb

for dinner?

- Oh, my God, lamb.

- (SIZZLING)

- I like this new Mummy.

- You can strangle the old one.

That's my Bobbles. Come on.

Seriously, you can strangle her.

So...I hear you've got yourself

a girlfriend.

Ohh, Auntie...

We were worried about you.

Jonny's got a girlfriend too, you know.

- Where is he?

- I thought maybe you were asexual.

A sexual what?

No, asexual -

having no sexual needs or desires.

- Oh, my God.

- No sexual needs

- or desires.

- (PHONE ALERT)

- Ooh.

- Is that Mum?

Not quite.

Yeah, that's definitely not Mum.

What do you think?

Of the stupid topless man?

(TUTS) I tell you, this app

is full of gorgeous men

- just waiting for my finger.

- No need to tell us any more.

- Like, so many.

- Any more.

What about this one?

- Also topless.

- This one's just... Oh, my God.

"Loverboy309"?

Definitely a sex robot.

His real name's Colin.

Definitely not a sex robot.

I'm obsessed.

I've been stalking him on here

for months.

That sounds healthy.

- This one here ate like an effing pig.

- Right.

- I still slept with him.

- Er...

And with him.

Goodbye, then.

(LAUGHS)

- (PHONE ALERT)

- Oh!

Just keep walking out the house?

Hi, Bobbles!

- Hi, Mum!

- Thank God you're here.

Oh!

You all right?

- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

I'm a bit tired, but I'm fine.

- She's quite sore.

- Thank you.

- Very sore.

- Martin!

I can't believe you didn't tell us.

I'm sorry,

but I didn't want to worry you. Ooh!

She really is extremely sore.

Seriously?

You know I had to have a little...

- ALL: Procedure.

- We know.

What?

Higher or lower?

Ohh, Adam!

(MARTIN LAUGHS) Higher or lower!

- Jackie!

- Horrible.

Where's Val?

In the dining room

organising an orgy.

Oh, she's not on that thing again,

is she?

It sends her bloody mad.

Hi, Jackie, welcome home.

There you are! Thanks for helping out.

Oh, don't be silly.

Aww...

Er, Val?

Oh, sorry. How are you feeling?

She's incredibly sore.

Oh, please stop telling everyone I'm sore

- all the bleeding time.

- Oh, go through.

Well?

Lower.

And I got your pillow, and your blankie.

Aww, my blankie.

This is your oasis of calm, Jackie.

Thanks.

- And I've prepared a lovely...

- (PHONE ALERT)

Swingers' party?

Dinner, but there's no rush, love,

you eat whenever you're ready.

Aww, what would we do

without Auntie Val, eh?

Rejoice?

Do you want to eat out of the bin

tonight, Martin?

Ooh, the bin.

Yeah, not really a deterrent.

- One minute.

- Oh, not another one.

- Oh, that's where I put it!

- (SIGHS)

Lads, this stuff is amazing.

- You can mend anything with it.

- Yes,

and you have been mending anything

with it.

(BOYS LAUGH)

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Is that my phone?

Is it your phone?

Huh?

Pissface, where have you put it?

Boys?

Strange.

It seems to be coming from in there.

Jonny...

Huh?

(PHONE RINGING)

Pissface!

Hmm? How did that get there?

- You bloody...

- Hadn't you better answer it?

It is your girlfriend.

You shit.

Hi, Lucy. Sorry, I can't talk right now,

it's a bit inconvenient...

(SCREAMS)

Agh, you bastard!

See ya, Pusface!

(LAUGHS AND WHOOPS)

What are you doing, you moron?

Skill McGill.

Thank you, you dick.

Please.

God. How am I meant to get

all this crap off?

Oh, Jonathan.

I told you that stuff was good.

You should see the reviews.

Ooh, do you have a printout?

I do, actually - look.

Four out of five stars.

- Right. The lamb.

- Thanks, sweetie.

Ooh, my God!

And orgy confirmed.

OK, will you please stop being

so horrible to Auntie Val?

She is making us dinner

out of the kindness of her heart.

While attempting to sleep with

every man in Britain.

Adam.

And will you please put

that horrible stuff away!

Oh, my God!

He likes me, Jackie. He likes me!

Who likes you?

Oswald Mosley? (SNIGGERS)

(TUTS)

Val? Who likes you?

Loverboy309.

- Sorry?

- He's a sex robot.

- His name's Colin.

- Colin?

Not a very good sex robot.

From my app! I've been

stalking him for months.

- Have you?

- BOTH: Yup.

Well, just look at him.

- Er, where's his shirt?

- None of them have shirts.

- Boiling.

- Martin, put your top on.

- What?

- Now.

He wants to meet tonight.

- Tonight?

- He's gonna pick me up.

In 40 minutes!

What? From your house?

My house? I don't have time to

go to my house, Jackie.

He'll come here.

BOTH: Here?

But we haven't had our dinner yet.

Sorry - I am not missing out

on a piece of that.

- We'll just have to have dinner now.

- Now?

Well, we don't want him strolling in

while I'm stuffing my face, do we?

No, of course not, it's just...

I'm really not ready to eat right now.

Dinner is now.

OK, we really don't have long,

so we'll just have to eat

as fast as possible.

- Will we?

- Yes.

This lamb's gonna take, what,

five minutes to eat?

- That'll be enjoyable.

- No, four minutes.

Four minutes for my lovely lamb?

- And then two minutes for dessert.

- Bleeding hell, Valerie.

Well, sit down. Sit down.

Wait! What am I gonna wear?

What am I going to wear?

A straitjacket?

Argh!

Valerie!

I'm going to have to wear

some of your clothes.

Jackie, can I wear some of your clothes?

Heart attack in precisely ten seconds.

Can I wear some of your clothes, Jackie?

Yes, you can wear some of my clothes!

Well, get on with it.

Eat up.

Delicious, terrifying dinner.

Um, Val. Maybe you should

try and take it a bit slower?

Slower? Jonathan, you can put more

in your mouth, you know.

What?

No, I mean with this guy,

what's his name?

Fuckbot 1000.

Ow!

- Martin!

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Where are you all going?

To get the sodding door,

and then kill ourselves.

You can't all go,

it's going to slow everything down.

You go, boys. Take your plates.

You can eat on the way.

- Really?

- Mmm!

Well, get on with it, you two!

I could be eating out the bin.

Your boys better not ruin

my bloody evening.

Your bloody evening?

- Er, Mum?

- What?

Why did you order a dog cage?

Er, I had to have the dog cage sent

to your house, Jackie,

because I didn't want to upset Milson

if it turned up at my house.

Well, that makes sense.

Milson's a very nervous mammal.

Why do you need a bloody dog cage?

An extra-strong, galvanised steel,

heavy-duty bloody dog cage?

90 seconds to finish your lamb.

90 seconds.

- This is a nightmare.

- Jim.

Why do you need a dog cage?

Um, is it all right if we talk in there,

Jackie? Away from...

...you know.

(MILSON WHINES)

The living room.

Well?

What? Oh, yes! We have to have a cage,

you see, because Milson's been

a very bad dog recently.

Very bad.

Really? What she's done?

What hasn't she done?

She sat on my chair,

she licked a sock, she ate bones.

Er, dogs are meant to eat bones.

- Are they?

- (DOOR OPENS)

We're coming, love.

- We're coming.

- It's OK.

Something's come up -

he's gonna pick me up later now.

Panic over.

Panic over?

I just swallowed half a bleeding

kilogram of meat in three seconds.

Yeah, all right!

It wasn't my fault, was it?

Well, whose shitting fault was it?

Er, Jackie, say something.

Val, love, I'm really not feeling very...

Oh, right.

I see.

Well, thank you very much

for the support, Jackie.

But...

And Colin is not a bloody sex robot!

Sex robot?

Oh, I need to sit down.

Jackie, is it all right if I assemble

the cage in here?

You know, for testing purposes?

(WHISPERS) Away from Milson?

Jim, I really don't care

what you do tonight, OK?

OK, Jackie.

I'll just pop Milson back home,

and go and fetch my tools.

But don't worry - I won't need feeding,

cos I have my peach.

Ooh!

Are you all right, Jackie?

I'm fine, Jim, fine.

- I had to have a little...

- ALL: Procedure.

Yeah, Jim.

I see, Jackie.

Higher or lower?

(JIM HUMS TO HIMSELF)

Well, this is a fantastic evening,

watching a grown man bashing away

at a giant cage.

Are you sure you need

all those extra bolts, Jim?

Oh, yes, Martin, the cage has to

be particularly secure,

otherwise Milson might...

- Where's this bloody dessert?

- Better be crumble.

Ooh! Crumble!

Maybe I should go and talk to her.

I've got to say something.

What, like, "Please piss off"?

- Dessert, everyone?

- Finally!

(WHOOSHING)

Oh, definitely not, Jim.

Um, hi.

I hope you like

what I've made you all tonight.

I'm sure we will.

- Basically, is it crumble?

- Yeah.

It's a surprise.

A surprise? What's that bloody mean?

- (SIGHS)

- I'm sorry, love.

No, I'm sorry, Jackie.

I shouldn't have spoken to you

like that before.

- I over-reacted.

- You didn't.

- She did.

- I think I'm just so nervous

about meeting this guy later, you know?

Yeah, er, it's OK.

It's your evening, and you

certainly don't need me ruining it.

- We certainly don't.

- Will you shut your bloody face?

Right! Dessert.

Oh, I'm mad. I left it in the kitchen!

(LAUGHS)

OK, will you please all stop now?

What the hell's a surprise dessert?

How do I bloody know?

Better not be her rice pudding.

Oh, God, her rice pudding.

- So thick.

- So lumpy.

Shhh.

Vomit in a bowl.

ALL: Vomit in a bowl.

(ALL LAUGH)

What are you all laughing at?

- Vomit.

- Lovely.

Now, I know how much you like

your crumble in this house.

- Crimble crumble!

- Crimble crumble!

But tonight, I thought I'd make you

something different.

- Oh, Auntie!

- What?

- Why?

- Shitting hell, Valerie.

Da-da!

Well, everyone loves Auntie Val's

rice pudding, don't they?

Um...yeah, of course.

Nice and wobbly.

Ugh.

Actually, tonight, I made this one

extra wobbly.

(PHONE ALERT)

Ooh!

- Oh.

- What bloody now?

Are you all right?

- Colin's not coming.

- Not coming?

Robot malfunction?

- A "work thing".

- Oh, love.

Why do men hate me so much?

What? They don't.

- (WHISPERS) They do.

- Oh, Val.

Do you know, whenever Larry

ate my rice pudding,

he'd say to me, "Val, I loved it. That was

the best pudding I ever had in my life."

Yeah, well...it's lovely.

And then one night, we're sitting there,

eating my rice pudding,

and he turns to me and says,

"Valerie, I don't love your rice pudding

any more.

"In fact, I never loved it."

But what he really meant was,

"I don't love you any more.

I never loved you."

- (SOBS)

- Val!

Shit on a shit.

We're going to have to eat that now,

aren't we?

Yes, or she'll probably die.

Why can't we just have

some bloody ice cream?

- Yeah.

- Martin, we are eating it.

So unhappy.

Er, I finished the special cage,

so I'll just go and get Milson

for the, you know, big unveiling.

OK, Jim.

- Er, Jim?

- Hmm?

- Do you like rice pudding?

- Jonny!

Rice pudding?

My mother used to make me

rice pudding.

- Did she?

- Yes,

and I hated every mouthful.

- Terrific.

- I'd rather eat a bowl of rats' innards

than even a thimble of horrid,

horrid, horrid rice pudding.

- I tried.

- Oh, but Jim!

Have you ever eaten Jewish rice pudding?

Genius.

Jewish rice pudding?

Yes, Jewish rice pudding. It's....

- Delicious.

- Is it?

- ALL: Yes.

- And did you know

it's a great honour for a non-Jew

to eat Jewish rice pudding?

An honour?

The highest.

I see.

But I don't have my little Jewish hat!

Here.

(HUMS)

Here you are, Jim.

And is this my special Jewish bowl?

Yes. But you have to eat them all, Jim.

- That's the tradition.

- And quickly.

Yeah, the quicker you eat, Jim,

the higher the honour.

Er...

Hurry up!

Of course, yes.

- Shalom.

- Shalom.

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

- It's delicious!

- Faster, Jim, faster!

JACKIE: Go on, Jim.

Hurry up. That's it.

Keep going, come on.

MARTIN: Well done - that's it.

So tasty!

Keep going, Jim.

It's an honour.

It's just so lovely!

ADAM: Yes, lovely.

MARTIN: Last one.

JONNY: Keep going.

JONNY: You've done it!

Aaagh!

Well done, Jim.

Jewish blessings upon you.

Yes. Shalom!

Shalom!

It's funny -

I always hated my mother's rice pudding,

but Jewish rice pudding is really,

really... (GAGS)

...really...

(VOMITS)

Sorry, everyone.

I'm a bit better now.

Ooh, someone liked my rice pudding!

Yeah...

(BURPS)

Oh, there you are, Jim.

Here - have some rice pudding.

No, Mummy, no!

- (WAILS)

- Jim?

- JIM: Mummy!

- (DOOR SLAMS)

Maybe he just doesn't like rice pudding.

(PHONE RINGS)

Argh, Pusface!

Bloody, bloody stuff.

Oh, no! What happened there?

- (JONNY GRUNTS)

- (ADAM GIGGLES)

- Here.

- Aww, thank you, Adam.

Thanks, love.

Yes. We've always wanted a massive

metal cage in our living room.

Finally.

- Pissface!

- Dimwits.

Um, thanks again for putting up with me

tonight, everyone.

I know I've been a bit, well...

- Demented?

- If it's all right, Val,

I think I might go and have a lie-down

upstairs.

It's been a really long day.

And a really long night.

Um, well, you just take it easy, Jackie.

Thanks.

Er, yeah, well, Valerie,

it's getting late, so maybe you'd...

What?

Oh, right!

I see. OK, then.

And thanks for the rice pudding.

It really was delicious.

Wasn't it, lads?

- Oh, yeah.

- Delicious.

Goodnight, Martin. Goodnight, boys.

BOYS: Goodnight, Auntie Val.

You are a wonderful family!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

- # Hallelujah! #

- Has she gone?

Yes!

Thank bloody God.

(DOORBELL)

(GROANS) Jim?

Oh, crap.

- It's back on!

- What is?

My date. His work thing's been cancelled.

He can come tonight.

Shit on it.

He'll be here in 15 minutes!

- 15 minutes?

- Clothes! I need clothes.

Horrible.

- Disgusting.

- Having fun?

Well, I can't wear that.

Val...

Actually, Jackie, what about

what you're wearing now?

I'm sorry?

I like that. I mean,

it's quite simple on you,

- but on me it might look quite sexy.

- Er...

- ...Martin?

- Well, it might.

- Well, come on! Give me your clothes.

- Really?

- Definitely time to go.

- Yup.

- Hurry up!

- But...

Take your bloody clothes off, Jackie!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, he'll be here any sec.

Move out my way.

Right, where is it?

(WHISPERS) Everything all right?

VAL: Bloody hell.

You seen my phone anywhere?

- (PHONE ALERT)

- Oh!

Where is it?

Where?

- There it is.

- In the cage!

- What's it doing in the cage?

- JONNY: Yeah!

- How did that happen?

- It's a mystery.

Sorry, I don't have time for this.

He'll be here in...

- Precisely two minutes.

- (SIGHS)

I won't forget this, you know.

And neither will we. (CHUCKLES)

(FRUSTRATED GRUNT) Oh, hell.

Oh, the bloody thing's stuck.

I can't get it off.

- Huh?

- Mum!

- Jackie?

- (OTHERS LAUGH)

- Jackie!

- Sorry, love, only joking.

(RATTLES CAGE)

VAL: Can you open it, please?

OK.

(CRASH)

Oh, shit.

- Mum!

- You bloody idiot!

What's happened?

Oh!

- It won't bloody open.

- Oh, my God.

What?! (SCREAMS)

Martin!

(VAL SCREECHES)

Ohh.

Get me out!

Val, calm down, calm down.

Calm down? I'm in a cage!

I'm in a cage!

- Call Jim.

- Jim?

He put this thing together -

he'll know what to do.

- Er, Jim never knows what to do.

- Just call him.

You meant to do this, didn't you, Jackie?

- Huh?

- All night

you couldn't wait to get rid of me.

- What are you talking about?

- And now you've locked me in a cage!

I'm locked in a cage!

No answer.

Martin, get your saw.

My saw? This thing's made of bloody steel.

- Get the shitting saw!

- Christ!

- JACKIE: Hurry!

- I'm bloody hurrying!

- (DOORBELL)

- Oh, shit on it.

What?

Er...Valerie?

She's in the cage.

Cage?

- Quickly. Was that Jim?

- What?

No, a different man.

Oh, my God, it's Colin.

- Colin's here.

- (SAWING)

Not that end, you moron!

- What?

- Yes, try not to saw into Auntie's skull.

- COLIN: Hello?

- VAL: Oh, God!

- It's OK, love, I'll get rid of him.

- Oh, no, you will not.

I haven't spent six weeks

sending him photographs of my backside

for you to get rid of him.

I'm having this date

if it's the bloody death of me.

How do I look?

Like a woman trapped in a cage.

Er, is this the right house for Valerie?

Er, that's right. Uh-huh.

(SULTRY) Hello. Valerie Lewis.

Lovely to meet you, Colin.

- Er...

- Why is she in a cage?

- Why is she in a cage?

- (VAL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Why don't you guys leave me

and the lovely Colin here alone

for a while so we can get to know

each other a little, hmm?

- Really?

- Really?

Bye, Jackie.

- Er, bye, love.

- Bye.

So, Colin...

...do you like rice pudding?

The perfect date.

What do we do now, then?

Emigrate?

- We could get an ice cream.

- Ooh, ice cream.

- An ice cream?

- Yeah, that's what we'll do,

we'll get a bloody ice cream. Come on.

What, so we're just going to

leave her there? In a cage?

With a strange man?

He might not be strange.

Yeah, we don't know he's strange.

Hello, all.

- Talking of strange.

- Feeling better now, are you, Jim?

Not really, but it was worth it for the...

for the great Jewish honour.

(BURPS)

Shalom.

BOYS: Shalom.

Right, I think Milson's ready now

to see the... (WHISPERS) ...cage,

- so...

- Um, yeah, Jim.

I'm not sure Milson will be sleeping

in the... (WHISPERS) ...cage tonight.

Oh, no, Jackie,

Milson won't be sleeping in it.

The cage is for me.

Come on, Milson.

Come on, Milson.

Well, Colin's in for a good night.