Original subtitles

Hello, boys.

- Ahh...

- Someone's here to see you.

Really?

It's Gibby!

I am Gibby.

Er... Hi, Gibby.

Well, come in, come in.

Can you believe it? It's Gibby.

You are the Jonny?

- Er, yup.

- And you are the Adam.

Or just "Adam".

I am the Gibby.

OK.

- What an amazing surprise, eh, boys?

- Yes, it would be if we...

(UNDER HIS BREATH)

...knew who she was.

What? Don't be silly.

It's Gibby.

To them, I am a mystery. Oh...

Aw... Gibby?

(WHISPERS) Oh, why were you

so horrible to Gibby?

- What?

- Who's Gibby?

I am Gibby!

- Who is she?

- She's your bloody au pair.

- So, we have an au pair now, do we?

- I'll get the potty.

Not now, stupid! Your old au pair.

She's come to visit.

Old au pair?

Yes, you were four, Jonny was a baby.

- Wh...?

- From Switzerland?

Liked animals?

Used to cry quite a lot.

- The memory of me, it has vanished.

- What?

Of course the memory of you

hasn't vanished. (MOUTHS)

BOTH: The memory of you

hasn't vanished.

- There we are.

- (SNIFFS)

I am Gibby.

Oh, my God.

Come through, darling.

Well, did they remember her?

(SOBS)

She seems stable!

Why did you have to say anything?

What? (SIGHS)

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Gibby?

GIBBY: Excuse me,

I am using the facilities.

She's using the facilities?

(TRICKLING)

She's using the facilities.

Well, they're obviously

excellent facilities.

- She's still in there?

- Shh!

- Who just turns up?

- Stop it, will you?

- So, how long's she staying?

- Five bleeding nights.

All right, Martin.

Ah, five nights with a total nutjob.

She's not a nutjob.

No, he said "total nutjob".

- (SNIGGERS)

- Martin!

She's just a little emotional.

Gibby was always a little emotional,

wasn't she, Martin?

- A little emotional?

- Oh, she was so sweet.

She used to love it here.

And you know, she's already asked about

having a cream tea.

- (JACKIE LAUGHS)

- Only 40 bloody times.

Sorry, having a cream tea?

What, like scones and cream and jam?

Yeah. Don't you remember? Gibby used to

go to the hotel round the corner

and have a cream tea every day.

Every day, she had a cream tea?

And you let this woman

look after your children, did you?

- For a whole year.

- Very good.

While she worked her way

through 365 cream teas.

Stop it.

She just tried one once,

and was, you know, hooked.

Total nutjob!

Shut up. You used to adore her, Adam!

- Adore her.

- All right.

- I return.

- Oh. There you are, love.

- Everything OK now?

- Yes.

The facilities, they are clean.

- Oh. Great.

- I sit in the vicinity of the boys?

Um...

- The vicinity.

- Aw, Gibby and our little babies.

Smile!

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Mum!

Aw, lovely.

Aw.

And now we go for the cream tea?

- Christ!

- Er, not now, Gibby, OK?

But you are saying, the old hotel,

it is still providing the cream teas?

Yes, but we'll get a cream tea

another day.

(GIBBY SIGHS)

Gibby's very sad.

Um...Gibby's also visiting

some of the other families she used

to work for all those years ago.

- Isn't that...?

- ...weird?

Yes, I am performing all the visits.

The family Sullivan, they is nice.

The family Goodman,

they is very nice.

Aw!

The family Carter,

they is the best family.

Um, right.

But they is dead.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- I'm getting that.

- What he said.

- Yup.

Hello, boys and man.

- JONNY AND ADAM: Hi.

- All right, Jim?

No, I'm not all right, actually.

- Really?

- I'm wounded.

JONNY AND ADAM: Wounded?

Oh, God, Jim, come in.

Thank you, Martin.

Come on, Milson. Get up there.

(JIM GASPS)

That's it.

Where's your wound?

Here.

That's your wound?

I don't have any plasters, you see,

and what if a dirty microbe

got inside the wound

and travelled all the way down

to my organs?

Your organs?

Yes, my kidneys, my livers.

You only have one liver, Jim.

I only have one liver now?

Everything all right?

Jim's lost one of his livers.

- Huh?

- Do you have a plaster, Jackie?

I have a terrible gaping wound.

God...

- Jonny, get a plaster.

- Go on, Pusface.

- Ugh!

- JACKIE: Jonny!

A man and a dog,

they is in the house.

(MILSON WHINES)

(LAUGHS)

Um, Jim, this is Gibby.

It's Gibby.

The dog is large.

Is it?

Um, Gibby's from Switzerland.

In Switzerland,

the dogs of the mountain,

they is as large as wolves.

Wolves?

Er, Gibby was our au pair.

- A pear?

- Right. Auf Wiedersehen.

JACKIE: Er, thank you.

- Plaster.

- Thanks, Bobble.

Jim, do you want me to do it for you,

or...?

Gibby do my plaster?

OK.

One, two...

- (MOANS)

- ...it is done. Good boy!

Good girl.

And now I must use the facilities.

Jackie, might I also use the facilities?

Jim, Gibby's using the loo.

(TRICKLING)

Yes, Gibby's using the loo.

Goodbye, Jim.

Oh, yes. Come on, Milson.

(TRICKLING STOPS)

Yes, Switzerland...

- (SIGHS)

- Has Professor Bonkers gone?

- Martin.

- What?

Jim fancies Gibby.

Shit on it.

- Can't we just start?

- Shh.

What's she still doing in there?

Rebuilding the facilities?

- (MESSAGE ALERT)

- (SIGHS)

- Jim! Not again.

- What's he want now?

- "Is Gibby warm enough in the house?"

- Seriously?

He met her for one minute.

He's bloody obsessed with her.

- (MESSAGE ALERT)

- (SIGHS)

Another one?

"Please ensure Gibby has easy access

to fresh water."

Boys, get the hosepipe.

Yeah, and strangle me with it. (LAUGHS)

I return.

Um, great.

Everything OK now?

Yes. My body, it is emptied.

How nice.

Right, tuck in, everyone. (LAUGHS)

Ooh, and there's still about

900,000 potatoes, so don't be shy.

(MARTIN GROANS)

- That's it, Martin, don't be shy.

- Agh!

Gibby, nice?

Gibby is nice?

Er, the food - do you like the taste?

Mmm. This is a difficult question.

Really? Why?

Because there is no taste.

And you're staying for how long?

For the five nights.

Ah, yes, the five nights.

Actually, Jackie,

the taste that is the best for me

is the taste of the cream tea.

Bloody hell.

You know? The scone and the cream.

- Um, yeah, love.

- And the jam of the berries of the straw.

Strawberry jam.

So, we're getting the cream tea now, ja?

- Now?

- Er, not now, Gibby, OK?

Maybe tomorrow? Hmm?

This is a tragedy.

(WHISPERS) Five nights.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Oh... Jim?

- Obviously.

Obviously.

- Hmm?

- Nothing. What do you want?

Erm...

Great.

Um, I must apologise,

but I think I left

something in your house,

you know, when I was here earlier.

Really? What?

How's Gibby?

Erm, fine.

What did you lose, Jim?

Where's Gibby?

She's in the dining room.

What did you lose?

Yes, I lost it in the dining room.

No, you didn't lose it in the dining room

because you didn't go in

the dining room, remember?

You were just here.

Yes, well, maybe the thing that I lost...

...it rolled all the way from here

into...dining room.

OK. And the thing that you lost was...?

A marble.

- Of course it was.

- Yes, it was a particularly round marble

because it rolled all the way from here

to remain...

- Jim?

- ...here.

- Hello, all.

- Pissing heck.

- Oh, hi, Jim.

- Jim's lost a pretend marble.

Pretend marble?

Real marble.

Huh?

Hello...

...Gibby.

Jim.

Um...

Is that all, Jim, or...?

Oh, yes.

Actually, no.

There is something I need

to talk to Gibby about.

- Really?

- Um...

Switzerland.

Mm-hm?

- Well, thanks, Jim. So, if you could...

- You...

Martin?

- Come on, Jim.

- (LAUGHS)

- Hmm...

- Come on.

Right!

(GROANS)

My God.

Erm, sorry about him, Gibby.

He is a nice man?

- Hmm...

- Um...

- He has the fat legs?

- What?

- I'm sorry?

- Fat legs?

Because the man I was with,

I am having to finish with him

because he has the fat legs.

So, normal reasons, then.

Jackie, you think Jim has the fat legs?

Er, I wouldn't really know about that,

love. (LAUGHS)

(GIBBY MOANS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Nearly broke my bleeding back.

(GIBBY MOANS)

Everything all right, there, Gibby?

She's thinking about the fat legs.

- The fat legs?

- Hmm.

You OK, love?

I am just remembering living in the house

with the Goodman family.

It is the happiest

time in the life for Gibby.

- Aw, sweetie.

- (SOBS)

Sometimes I wished you was my family.

(SOBBING INTENSIFIES)

Oh, come here, love.

Don't be sad.

(SOBBING) Jackie!

Jackie, there is only one thing that can

make me feel happy in this moment.

Really? And what's that?

I mean, it's ridiculous.

Going for a cream tea

halfway through dinner?

Who wants to bloody do that?

I want to bloody do that.

That's cos you'll eat anything

at any time.

Yeah, is there anything you won't eat,

ever?

Erm, wasps?

Oh, hurry up with the facilities.

You OK, Gibby?

I am now re-emptied.

Mazeltov. Let's go.

Oh, crap. What are you doing there?

Oh, just looking for

my very round marble.

(MARTIN GRUNTS)

Hello, Gibby.

Hello...the Jim.

Well, we're just popping out now, so...

Oh, where are you popping to?

(WHISPERS) Don't tell him.

We go to the old hotel Welmsley

to have the cream tea.

You put cream in your tea?

It's a creamy tea?

Goodbye.

Oh, I forget.

JACKIE: Gibby?

Oh-oh-oh!

Hmm.

Gibby fancies Jim.

Well, here we are.

Oh, my mouth is very excited

for the taste of the cream tea.

Is your mouths very excited

for the taste of the cream tea?

Oh, yes, we all have very excited mouths.

And now I must use the facilities.

Bloody hell.

Can't we just dump her here

for five nights?

What, the hotel or the car park?

- Either will do.

- (LAUGHS) Come on.

Wait. That's Bradley.

JACKIE: Bradley?

It is. I haven't seen him

for about 40 years.

We went to school together.

Oh, God... (GASPS)

- He's lost an arm. Poor Bradley.

- Oh, dear.

Erm, excuse me.

I don't believe it!

It's Martin bloody Goodman.

That's right! Hello, Bradley.

- Er, Neville.

- Oh, yes, I meant Neville.

Shirley, this is Martin.

We went to school together.

Lovely to meet you.

Oh, yes, this is my family.

The wife and, er, the children.

Thank you.

You know, lads, me and your dad got up

to no end of mischief at school.

- Really?

- Did you?

Hey! Remember old Hastings' car,

when we let down all his tyres?

- What? No.

- Yeah, by the main hall.

And we did Miss Gant's tyres.

- Did we?

- And Mr Dudley's tyres.

- Don't you remember?

- Erm...

- He doesn't have the best memory.

- He hasn't got a memory!

Er, by the way, I'm so sorry.

When, er...

When did that happen?

When did what happen?

Your arm.

- My arm?

- His arm?

- Are you joking, or something?

- Sorry?

- I didn't have an arm when I knew you.

- Oh, God.

- Didn't you?

- No! I was born without an arm.

Shit. I must have forgot. I...

Er...

Um...

Well, nice to have met you all.

- Yeah, really nice.

- You've never had an arm?

Goodbye, Martin.

Yeah, see you, Bradley.

Neville!

Well, that wasn't the most embarrassing

conversation of all time.

Yeah, well done, Dad.

Fancy not remembering

he didn't have an arm!

All right.

I remembered he didn't have a tail.

Martin!

- Hello, all.

- (OTHERS GROAN)

Is this the right place for a creamy tea?

(GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, Jim! Oh, no!

Naughty Mr Metal Spoon's

coming back for more!

- (LAUGHS) No, Jim, no!

- Please make it stop.

(JIM GROANS)

Erm, five cream teas?

Thank God.

There you are.

And one...creamy...tea.

Ahh!

Creamy tea.

Mmm...

Mm-nnn...

Lovely and thick.

Jackie, 25 years I am waiting

for the delicious cream tea.

Well, I hope you enjoy it

as much as you used to.

I hope so also, Jackie.

Very much.

- Well?

- Well?

- Oh...

- Gibby?

The cream, it is too much sweet.

The jam, it is too much not sweet.

And the scone... (SNIFFS)

It is smelly.

Smelly?

(SOBS AND WAILS)

(JIM SLURPS)

Well, this is terrific.

Oh, come on, Gibby, come out now.

I do not never come out.

What a shame.

What are we meant to do?

Nothing. She just spends the next five

nights locked in a hotel bog.

Yup.

And where's your father?

Er, he's just finishing

his five cream teas.

(JACKIE SIGHS)

Oh, come out, will you?

Jackie, I've finished my creamy tea

and now I'm all ready

to liberate Gibby.

You're going to liberate Gibby,

are you, Jim?

- Yes, Jackie.

- Right.

And what are you going to do?

Kick the door down?

Erm... Stand back, please.

# There was a frog lived in a well

Whipsee diddledee dandy dee

# There was a mouse lived in a well

Whipsee diddledee dandy dee

# The frog he would a-wooing ride

With a sword and buckler by his side

# With a harum-scarum diddle dum darum

Whipsee diddledee dandy dee! #

(HUMS THE MELODY)

(DOOR OPENS)

Thank you, Jim. It is beautiful.

- We're going.

- What do you mean, we're going?

- Don't ask.

- I've still got another

three cream teas to get through.

- Come on.

- Jackie!

Come on!

I'm sorry, Martin.

The girl's too much. She's just too much.

- Hmm?

- Ugh!

JACKIE: Martin!

- ADAM: Dad...

- What?

Your tyres?

Oh, crap.

I wonder who did that!

Neville-sodding-Bradley git.

Right, well, here we are, then, Jim.

Yes, here we are.

Not you.

Oh, Jim is not here?

- No, he's just had to pop home and...

- Make love to his dog.

- (THUD)

- Ow!

Gibby is so sad without Jim.

Yes, well, I'm sure you'll survive.

Why don't you come and have a nice

little sit-down in the living room?

- On the own?

- That's right - on the own.

Mum?

Upstairs.

Ooh, what about this place?

Martin, you've shown me that place

five times already.

It's fully booked.

All right.

Isn't it a bit mean to just stick her

in a hotel for the weekend?

- No.

- Boys, it's only a couple of nights.

- This place?

- Oh, my God, it's the same place!

Right, move. I'm doing it. (SIGHS)

Boys, please give your father

internet lessons.

Bloody internet.

There's got to be somewhere

near that's got a room.

That place looks all right.

Does it look all right?

"I found a rat in my room."

The London Rat Hotel.

Oh, shit.

You know, we're the ones that should be

staying in a hotel,

Jackie, not old giblet features.

- (LAUGHS)

- Having a bit of time to ourselves.

Oh, Dad!

Having a bit of nippy-nippy.

Argh!

Oh, my God, you're animals!

Oh, just go downstairs, then,

if you don't like it.

- We don't like it.

- Yeah.

Enjoy your five nights with

Gibby-Gibby and no nippy-nippy.

Sods.

- I mean...

- JIM: Gibby!

- (GIBBY GIGGLES)

- Oh, Casanova's back.

JIM: Gibby!

(SALSA MUSIC)

Terrific evening.

And jump!

- JIM: Gibby!

- (GIBBY LAUGHS)

Er, Jonny?

What?

Er, why are Mum and Dad driving off

in your car?

- Oi!

- Mum? Dad?

- Hey!

- Come back!

- Where are they bloody going?!

- Right!

What's going on?

Adam?

- What's that?

- Obviously they're not answering.

- The shits.

- "Found a room

"in a rat-free hotel. Back late Sunday."

- Oh, my God!

- The shits!

"Please look after Gibby."

- They want us to look after Gibby?

- Bastards!

What's Dad put here?

Oh. Two words - "nippy-nippy".

- Nice touch.

- I can't believe it.

- They've dumped us here with bloody...

- GIBBY: Hello?

The mother and the father,

they is gone?

Er, they've just had to go away

for a couple of days, Gibby.

Yeah.

But who will look after Gibby?

BOTH: We will look after Gibby.

Can we do some more erotic dancing now,

Gibby?

Jim, I am thinking we have

the upstairs of the house

- to ourselves tonight.

- Oh, God.

Maybe we can be having some fun.

Ooh, Gibby...

- Ahh... Ahh!

- Er...

You are liking what you are seeing?

Oh, yes, Gibby.

Guys...

Maybe you are liking to see

some more?

(BREATHES RAPIDLY)

Ah!

Wolves!

Wolves!

(JIM WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS AND WHIMPERS)

Oh...

Oh.

Hmm.

I use the facilities.