Original subtitles

Seriously, we're going to have

to tell 'em at some point.

Er, no, we're going to have

to tell them at no point.

What? The first time we've ever

had girlfriends at the same time?

Do you know how happy Mum will be?

Yes, the happiest she's ever been

in her entire life.

- Exactly.

- And it will be hell.

It won't be hell.

It will be hell, won't it?

- Total hell.

- Let's definitely not tell 'em.

- (SNIFFS)

- What's that smell?

Sewers.

Oh. Um, thanks.

You're welcome.

- Scared of the man?

- Petrified.

And there it is.

Dad's massive, stupid caravan.

It's absolutely disgusting.

- It's a dustbin on wheels.

- Dustbin on bricks.

Hello, bambinos.

- Hi.

- Hello, Dad.

Well, what do you think?

Er, were you wearing a blindfold

when you bought that?

- What?

- Or were you just in a coma?

Pillock.

Why the hell did you buy a caravan?

I told you, I went in one

when I was a boy, and...

Whoa!

That's not dangerous.

Yeah. Safety last, eh, Dad?

- Idiots. Well, come in, then.

- Really?

Say your prayers.

Hmm.

Well?

And if you thought

it looked nice on the outside...

What a dump!

What? It's fabulous.

Yeah, it's a fabulous shithole.

It's...not a shithole!

Now, listen, I need your help.

Psychological help, or...?

How am I going to get that mother

of yours to set foot in my caravan?

Er, have you tried chloroform?

She hates this bloody thing.

And might that be because

you bought this shithole behind her back?

It's not a shithole.

Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.

Or a bit of dynamite.

- So?

- So, what?

Are you going to help me, then?

What? Help you make Mum

like your horrible caravan?

- Yes.

- BOTH: No.

- Why not?

- Because it's a shithole.

Whoa!

Jesus!

- Yeah, that needs adjusting.

- You need adjusting.

- Goodbye.

- Now wait...

Now, how about we all have dinner

in here tonight?

- Sure, Dad. Sure.

- It'll be lovely.

All four of us, the whole family,

eating together.

Dying together.

Look, it's got everything. A kitchen.

- Hideous.

- A dining area.

- Hideous.

- Toilet.

That's just terrifying.

OK, then, just look

at what I made for your mum.

JACKIE: Boys...

I thought you were in here.

- Hi, Mum.

- Hi.

Hello, my sweet, are you coming inside?

You know the answer, Martin. Boys...

But you haven't even given it a chance.

Come on, Jackie, you don't

know what you're missing.

Any number of diseases.

Ow!

OK, out of that shithole.

- Certainly.

- It's not a shithole!

And make sure you wash your hands.

What? They don't need to wash their hands.

Er, we do need to wash our hands.

Dinner's nearly ready.

Are you coming inside or what?

Well, actually, Jackie,

the boys said that they'd really

like to have dinner in the caravan.

Yes, that is exactly what we said.

Martin, for the 800th time,

we are not having dinner in your...

...murder van, all right?

All right. God.

- See you, Dad.

- Yeah, enjoy your murdering!

(MUTTERS)

He wants us to have dinner in that?!

Certain death.

Can you believe

your stupid dad bought a caravan?

Not just any caravan. That caravan.

All week it's been festering in our drive.

Boys, where can we get

a crushing machine?

You know he wanted

to take me on holiday in that thing?

On holiday?

What? So you can both plummet

off a cliff?

Hands.

It's funny.

I haven't stepped inside it once yet,

and it's been sending him quite mad.

We hadn't noticed.

(TAP GURGLES)

What's with the water?

Oh, cos they've been

digging up the silly road.

Looking for Dad's victims?

Yes, I'm really enjoying

annoying your father at the moment.

And long may it continue, Mother!

Hm, I'm really enjoying it.

Er, is that gin?

- Sorry. I must just go for a wee.

- Mum?

She's drinking gin.

- That's what she drinks when she's...

- BOTH: ...depressed.

- We have to tell her our news.

- No way.

- Adam.

- Boys.

Oh, God, Dad, what are you doing?

- Shh. Where's your mother?

- What?

- Where is she?

- Um, in the loo. What do you want?

Just gone in the loo?

Or been in there a while?

Does it matter?

Has your brain

fallen out of your head tonight?

Just answer the sodding question.

Um, she's been in the loo

for precisely 17 seconds.

Great.

- Right, this is the plan.

- The plan?

You take the soup,

you follow me out through the side door

all the way up to the caravan.

- What?

- Dinner in the caravan. Remember?

Erm, no, we don't remember.

No, we do remember.

We said we definitely do not want

to have dinner in your disgusting caravan.

God, then I'll have to get the bloody soup

myself, then, won't I? Thanks for nothing!

Martin? What are you doing with my soup?

Huh? Boys, quick.

You little git!

What are you doing?

Dad thinks he's in a prison movie

or something.

Were you stealing my soup?

- No.

- Yes, you were.

- Shut up!

- And have a guess where he was taking it.

Right, I'm having that, thank you.

But, Jackie,

I've made it all nice in there.

You mean you've emptied

the chemical toilet?

Actually, I may need a hand

with that thing,

cos the unit's jammed

and it's brimming with human waste.

OK, maybe you shouldn't have dinner

with us tonight.

- What?

- BOTH: Mum?

Shut up, boys. Yes, maybe

you should eat all on your own.

- But, Jackie...

- In your shithole.

MARTIN: It's not a shithole!

Right, then. Dinner for three?

This is fun, isn't it,

the three of us having dinner?

Mummy and her boys.

Uh-huh.

What?

Well, I mean, obviously this is great fun.

Great fun.

And not at all like we suddenly

don't have a dad any more.

Very good.

Even though we always set a place

for him at the table.

To remind us of the better times.

Thank you, boys.

- I hope he's all right in there.

- Poor Dad.

Poor Dad?

Right. We'll see if he's all right

in there, shall we?

Jackie to Martin.

BOTH: What is that?

Your dad's stupid thing

for when he's in his stupid crapmobile.

Martin, it's Jackie.

Are you all right in there?

It's a good system.

Martin to Jackie.

How many times do I have to tell you?

It's, "Are you all right in there? Over."

He's all right in there.

I'm sorry,

but it's been like this all week.

Every night he's had his dinner out there,

I've had my dinner in here.

It's been really...hard.

I've been really lonely.

- Adam's got a girlfriend.

- You shit!

- Ow!

- What?

- Jonny's got a girlfriend.

- Huh? You've both got girlfriends?

BOTH: Yes.

At the same time?

- BOTH: Yes.

- Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Please.

- Thank you!

- Mum...

Oh, I'm so excited.

Martin? Uh!

Martin! Come inside right now.

- Something incredible's just happened!

- Seriously?

Oh! Boys, you don't know how happy

you've just made your mother.

We do.

Martin to Jackie. It's, "Something

incredible's just happened. Over!"

- God!

- Where are you going?

Martin, bloody come in here right now!

Mum! The neighbours!

Screw the neighbours!

Oh, we are going to celebrate tonight!

- Are we?

- And I am going to hear everything...

...about everything.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Coming!

Right, stay there. Stay there.

Oooh! Two weddings!

- Hell.

- Total.

(CHUCKLES AND HUMS JOLLY TUNE)

Martin, the boys have...

- Hello, Jackie.

- Oh, it's you.

The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?

Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.

What do you want? Martin!

No, I just wanted you to know

that I've finally come up with a name.

- A name?

- Yes, Jackie.

Well, I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,

so I've come up with

a completely different name for her.

Oh, right.

And what is it?

Milson.

- Milson?

- Milson.

(WHINES)

- Hi, Jim.

- Hello, boys.

Um, Jim's got a completely new name

for his dog.

It's Milson.

Well, that is a completely new name.

Right, well, erm, thank you, Jim.

Martin!

Also, I wondered if you'd noticed

a strange sort of eggy smell outside?

- Eggy smell?

- Yes. Very eggy.

Oh, yeah, well,

that'll just be the water people.

The water people? Where?

Um, in the road, Jim.

You know, the people doing the sewers?

The sewers.

- So I'm allowed in now, am I?

- Oh!

Been in your special little house,

have you, Martin?

What? Oh, that's right.

I've always wanted to go in one of those.

Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.

- Am I?

- Stupid bumhole.

- So is that all, Jim?

- Yes, of course, Jackie.

Bye, all.

Come on...Milson.

Good girl.

(MILSON WHINES)

JACKIE: Um, goodbye, Jim.

Goodnight.

- My God.

- Milson?

Martin, the boys have

some incredible news.

Go on, tell your dad.

Adam's got three weeks to live.

- Ow.

- That is a horrible thing to say!

Three weeks?

Can't he make it three days?

Argh, Jackie!

God! Both the boys have got girlfriends!

- Really?

- (SQUEALS)

These two buggers have both got females?

- Uhhh.

- Yeah, Dad, we've both got females.

Isn't it amazing? Ooh, what are

their names? What are their names?

BOTH: Lucy.

- Sorry?

- They're both called Lucy.

Both of your girlfriends are called Lucy?

- Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.

- Very annoying.

OK, well, we'll call your Lucy "Lucy One"

and your Lucy "Lucy Two".

- Great idea, Mum.

- Er, why's my girlfriend number two?

Cos she's second best, obviously.

Ow!

Well, aren't you going

to say anything, Martin?

What? Oh, yes... Er... Well done.

"Well done"?

Both your sons have got girlfriends

and that's all you can say?

- It's OK, Mum.

- It's not OK.

Do you know how many years

I've been waiting for this bloody moment?

You're supposed to be their father.

Say something proper to your sons.

OK. Er, boys...

BOTH: Yes?

Always wear a sheath.

Ah, your girlfriends sound so nice.

Yes, please ask lots more questions

about them.

Like another 100,000.

- Stop it.

- Can we have the rest of our dinner now?

Come on. Photos.

- Photos?

- Really?

- Come on.

- Uhhh.

Oh, lovely hair!

Yup.

Oh, lovely smile!

- Mine's definitely the fittest.

- The shittest.

- Dad?

- Pissface.

Who do you think's the fittest?

Oh, how can you say such a thing?

The fittest? How would I know?

Have you tried racing them

against each other?

Huh?

(SLURPS)

Fantastic celebration.

Well, if you really want to celebrate,

why don't we all go in my caravan?

Or why don't we not?

In fact, if you and your ladies

ever want to use the caravan

for a bit of, you know...

..."ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah"...

- Oh, my God.

- ...just ask.

- You're revolting. You know that?

- Oh, yes.

Hm. (SLURPS)

Right, go in there

and take the chicken

into the dining room, will you?

Ar-ar-ar-ah, ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.

OK. Nazi interrogation over?

All right.

Yes! Bring on the chicken.

- Chicken time!

- Kwkk!

Oh, I can't wait to meet

your lovely girls!

- Sorry?

- Huh?

Well, you want them

to meet Mummy, don't you?

Right.

Thank you for ruining my celebration.

Your celebration?

OK, obviously Mum and Dad

are never meeting our girlfriends.

Obviously.

JACKIE: Boys? Boys!

- Mum?

- What's happened?

He's taken the chicken!

Give me back my chicken!

This is ridiculous.

Piss off!

How's he got his top off already?

Martin, come out with the chicken

this second!

It's, "Martin, come out

with the chicken this second. Over."

How many bleeding times?

Jonny!

- Bloody sods!

- Give us the chicken! Now!

- Get off!

- Dad!

OK, you can have the chicken.

You can all have the chicken...

if you eat it in here.

What?

Your mum thinks it's so horrible

in my caravan, does she?

Well, just wait till she sees

what I've done for her.

There.

See that?

"Martin & Jackie."

Yes, very nice, Dad.

Can we have the chicken now?

And if I press this button...

(ALL SCREAM)

Now!

- Sorry, Dad.

- Oi!

I've got the chicken!

I've got the chicken!

Quickly! (SQUEALS)

Give it back, you bastards!

Oh! Bobbles! My heroes.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Give me that chicken!

Go away!

He needs locking up.

Right.

Oh, no... The side door.

(CRASH)

- Wait.

- Huh?

(GRUNTING)

- Ah, of course.

- Hello, Martin.

Well, help me, then.

Certainly, darling. Let me just move

this nice soft chair out of your way.

Jackie, help me, for God's sake!

Uh, don't you mean,

"Help me, for God's sake. Over"?

- Why don't you sit down, boys?

- Thank you, Mother.

You bloody, bleeding...!

Ow...

(THUD)

(MARTIN GROANS)

Argh. I think I've broken my skull.

You are getting scraps tonight.

Do you hear me? Scraps!

Yes.

Our poor girlfriends, missing all this!

- Hello, all.

- (ALL EXCLAIM)

Jim?

Completely flooded?

Yes, Jackie,

my house is completely

flooded with...

What's the word?

Er, water?

Excrement.

- Excrement?

- Excrement?

Apparently, a sewerage pipe

got redirected into my house.

Th-That's why my shoes are all...

Er, ooh...

Uh...

And then the water people

told me I had to leave

while they try to fix it.

Now I've got nowhere to go.

Oh, God.

Sorry, Jim,

we'd love to invite you in,

but we're sort of celebrating tonight.

No more cholera?

- What?!

- Sorry?

Um, it's all right, Jackie.

I wasn't going to ask if I could come in.

- Good.

- Oh.

No, I just wondered

if maybe I could have

a little piece of chicken to eat.

Er, OK.

And maybe if I could have it in the...

...special little house.

Oof.

Nice bone and gristle, Martin?

Ooh.

Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie.

Over.

Not again.

Definitely going to be like this

all night.

Martin reading. Over.

Um, where's the mustard? Over.

The man's driving me bloody mad.

Ah, is he?

Martin to Jim.

The mustard's in the little drawer

on the right. Over.

Thank you, Martin. Over and out.

Well, at least he follows

the correct communications procedure.

On the talkie-walkie.

Jim to Martin on the talkie-walkie.

Bleeding hell.

Martin reading. Over.

Do you have anything

that looks and tastes like a lemon,

but isn't a lemon? Over.

Oh, turn the wretched thing off, will you?

Do your lady friends like caravans?

Do they like caravans?

Martin, our sons announce

that they've both got girlfriends,

and that's the first thing

you want to ask?

Er, sorry, Dad. I don't actually know

if my girlfriend likes caravans.

Yeah, funny. I don't really know either.

You don't know if they like caravans?

What the hell do you talk about?

Not caravans, I hope.

I mean, I can ask, if you'd like me to.

I would, actually.

Do you like caravans?

I'll ask as well. Just texting

Lucy One, the best Lucy.

So when am I going to bloody meet them?

- 100 years?

- 1,000 years?

1,000 years.

- Boys...

- (PHONE DINGS)

OK. She says,

"What do you mean, caravans?"

- (PHONE VIBRATES)

- Oh!

"Caravans? What do you mean?"

- They've never heard of caravans?

- (PHONE RINGS)

Oh!

Hi. No, sorry, it was just my stupid dad.

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Oh. Sorry, babe.

My stupid, stupid dad

just wanted to know. Yeah, right...

- It's the girls!

- (BOTH BOYS TALK)

Oh, let me say hello to them.

- Mum, get off!

- Oh, please.

- God, Mum!

- Mum!

- Adam.

- Leave me alone!

Adam! Oh, Adam!

- Sorry, Luce, she's mad.

- Crazy.

- Get off!

- Just go away!

- Right.

- But I want to speak to them!

Mum!

- Give me your phones!

- Get off, you lunatic!

Give me your phones!

- Get in there!

- In there!

- Wait, no... Boys!

- Just get in there!

Horrible!

She's insane!

It's not fair.

So, do they like caravans?

- Sorry, Luce, she's mad.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- I know, crazy.

- Yeah, see you later.

- Anyway, bye.

- Absolutely insane.

Absolutely insane.

Ugh!

- Insane!

- Insane.

- Thank you so much for that.

- Yes, thanks, Mum.

Horrible boys.

- Hello, all.

- Oh, yeah, Jim's here.

What are you bloody doing?

Um, I've been told by the water people

that I can go back home now.

Oh, right. Really?

There's still excrement everywhere,

but there's not quite so much excrement

everywhere as before.

Lovely.

Ugh, what is that smell?

Close the window, will you?

Oh, and, Martin, I noticed the loo

in your caravan was all blocked up,

so I...

(MILSON WHINES)

Remain. So I, um...

...I managed

to get the waste unit out for you.

My God!

Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!

Thanks, Jim.

Maybe take that back outside again?

Yes, but slowly!

Yes, of course, slowly,

cos it is rather full.

(MILSON BARKS)

(ALL SCREAM)

Great! Now our house

is flooded with excrement!

My lovely dining room!

- Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!

- Oh, Martin, get a mop!

What?! I'm not walking through that...!

- Sea of shit?

- Adam!

- We'll have to go through the window.

- The window?

- Come on.

- Oh, my God!

No, no, Milson.

You've had your supper.

Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.

Yes, all right, Jim.

I-I really am so sorry

for spilling all that...

well, you know.

- Yes, Jim.

- All I can say

is that at least it's your own.

And a little bit of mine. Bye, all!

Thanks, Jim.

So, what do we do now?

- Just go back in the house.

- Really?

OK, we're not going

back in the house.

(CLEARS THROAT)

£500?

I know it's Friday night, but 500 quid

to come and clean up some mess?

Have you told them it's shit?

It's actual shit?

Just shut up.

Er, OK, two hours.

But please hurry.

Oh! Terrific.

Well, Martin, you've finally got your

dinner in your caravan. Are you happy now?

Yes. Very. Hm.

Actually, it's not so bad in here.

- See?

- Yeah, it's all right, really.

It was meant to be a celebration,

a family celebration.

- It is a family celebration.

- Is it?

- Dad?

- What?

Your thing.

- What thing?

- Oh, yeah.

Jackie, look.

I got this made especially for you.

"Martin & Jackie."

You got that made for me?

And if I just press this little button...

Careful, Dad.

There.

Oh, Martin!

"Martin & Ackie."

Shut up.

Bloody bulbs.

Thanks, sweetheart.

- (JACKIE GIGGLES)

- Okey dokey!

Anyone for a grotty butter sandwich? Over.

Er, piss off. Over.

You silly sods.

Right, let's get this bloody thing sorted.

Er...

(ALL SCREAM)

Stop!

(CRASHING)

Oh, my God!

(GASPS)

My caravan. My beautiful caravan!

Just look at it, Jackie! It's a wreck!

Oh, Dad.

Aw!

(ELECTRICAL FIZZING)

Martin!

Look.

(GASPS)

We can get this thing fixed, you know.

What?

We can, we will.

- We'll get it fixed, I promise.

- Really?

- BOTH: Really?

- (TUTS) Yes, darling.

Come on, let's wait in the car.

We'll order a pizza, yeah?

- Pizza!

- Skill!

MARTIN: Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.

Jonny to Dad. Over.

Roger, Jonny. Go ahead.

Your caravan's on fire. Over.

Shit on it. Over.