Original subtitles

(horn honking) (gasps)

Hey! (llama growls)

Dang! (panting)

(grunts)

Hello, Napoleon. Hey, Pedro.

(grunts, sighs)

RICO: This is my favorite gas station to shop at.

Where else can you buy a wiper blade

and an off-brand energy drink?

Grandma, will you buy me this tiny rolled-up horoscope?

Stop asking her to buy you stuff,

you're like 70 freakin' years old! Whoa!

Grandma, will you buy me this lighter

that's shaped like dice and says "High Roller?"

Will you two shut up?

I'm trying to order dinner.

How many hours has this chicken been under this heat lamp?

Depends. How many hours is in three days?

Hmm. That piece looks good.

Kip! Quit hogging all the good breast meat!

Napoleon, I already called this baby.

Uncle Rico, tell Kip to quit eating

all the gas station chicken.

Napoleon, you made me lose my spot again.

Now I gotta start all over.

"Brian was a quarterback, but he was also a detective."

Man, I'm so confused.

You better not eat that breast, Kip.

Try and stop me, Napoleon.

You do you die.

What? You do you die.

I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip!

Name three times in chronological order.

Okay.

Wah!

Here's my list.

You look tired, Santa. Take a break.

Thanks! Wait, Santa!

Scram! Santa will be back next year.

(sighs)

(humming)

Whoa....

(thud)

Fine, then. You can have my skin.

Think fast. My eyes!

Dang it. The grease... it kills!

Oh, man! The diamonds are in the football!

I did not see that coming!

(rooster crows)

(squawks)

(gulps)

Hold still, Kip!

Grandma, are you sure these abs are waterproof?

Misty and I might go hot-tubbing.

Kip, you only talk to this girl on the computer.

It could just be that neighbor boy pranking you again.

Oh, yeah?

Read this saucy excerpt from our last chat.

"I have to come into town for dog food anyway,

so I guess I'll meet you."

Tell me that's not real.

(gasps) What?

Holy crap!

What happened to your forehead?

Kip hucked some chicken skin at me,

and it gave me a butt load of zits.

He's always disrespecting me

'cause he's jealous of my sweet body!

Napoleon, your face is making me sick.

Go into the bathroom and pop those things.

I already tried. They're not ready yet.

See?

You're not doing it right.

Get over here.

Jeez!

Ow, ow! Stop! Hold still.

It kills! Dang it! Hold still!

Well, the roots are too deep.

They're digging into the skull.

I told you they weren't ready.

Try stabbing it with a blade.

Good idea, Kipper.

You guys are idiots!

I don't know, Napoleon.

Looks to me like you got some kind of

egg-sack lodged in there.

Maybe hobo spiders.

Really?

Hey, this ought to take care of your chicken zits.

Rack-U-Tane?

Actually, that's the last tube

I'm legally allowed to sell.

Did you hear that, Napoleon?

It's our lucky day!

It's been banned by the FDA, the DEA, and the WNBA.

Is it safe?

Quit bothering the pharmacist.

He probably has student loans to worry about.

Between you and me, I didn't even go to college.

Right on!

(school bell rings)

(indistinct talking)

"Warning. Physical side effects include:

"bad breath, B.O., lust,

"increased pain threshold,

and fits of unbridled rage." Yeah, right.

♪ Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk ♪

♪ Talk about things you'd like to do... ♪

(sizzling) (gasps)

Sorry I'm late.

Good gracious!

What's wrong with your forehead? It's on fire!

I'm okay. It's just the Rack-U-Tane

trying to eat all the bacteria.

It smells like a burnt lasagna.

But I don't even feel anything.

Hello, Napoleon.

Hey, Pedro.

What's happening to me?

Hey Pedro, could you pour

some of your Turbo Slush on my zits?

I think the caffeine might kill some of the germs.

No problem.

I think it's working. Your zits are like...

drinking the juice. Thanks.

Never mind.

(slurping)

Does it hurt? Not really.

I'm just having, like, all these strange desires right now.

Really? What kind of desires?

Well, like, I really want to get married

and go on a honeymoon right now...

But I mainly just feel like crushing people's lives.

Sounds like lust and unbridled rage.

Sweet! My rage has never been unbridled.

I've always hated that sink.

Now Kip,

if this girl turns out to be a kidnapper,

do you remember the address song?

♪ My name is Kipland Dynamite ♪

♪ I live in Preston, Idaho ♪

♪ 143 Jitney Lane ♪

♪ Return me to my grandma. ♪

You still got it.

Excuse me, did you just sing your name was Kipland Dynamite?

In the flesh. And I can tell by your sack of dog treats

that you must be Misty.

Yeah. Um, I have to go.

Wait!

Are your abs getting hot? Mine sure are.

Ooh. Kip is ripped.

(whistle blows)

Hey, Deb, did I ever tell you how big of a babe you are?

I just want you to know that if my girlfriend in Oklahoma

ever dies, I'd totally marry you.

Uh... Are you okay, Napoleon?

Yes, I'm fine.

Can I kiss the top of your hand for a dollar?

His zit cream is making him loco.

Today, we're going to play a game

that our pioneer ancestors developed

when they crossed the plains.

It's called "Smear the Deer."

Yes!

Napoleon, would you be a deer and put these antlers on? Okay.

The rest of you are hungry pioneer children.

When I blow my whistle,

you'll do everything in your power to incapacitate the deer

using only your bare hands and pioneer reflexes.

Are there any questions?

Can Pedro be my sentinel?

No, he can't.

You are just a rogue deer with no allies.

Ah, dang it. Okay.

Is everybody ready? (blows whistle)

(growling)

Good gravy!

(panting)

Holy crap!

Gotcha! Looks like I'm gonna smear the deer!

Not today, Don!

Whoa, ah, ow, oh!

What the heck?!

You don't hold a tuba like that.

You aim it skyward.

Ah...! (blows whistle)

Napoleon, in my office! Now!

No. Why don't you go tomyoffice?

You don't have an office.

Fine! We'll use yours!

(growling)

Napoleon, I cannot believe what I witnessed

from you out on the field today.

Sorry... I've never seen anything like it.

Have you ever heard of the PPC?

The Preston Pediatric Coalition?

Of course!

They paid for my brother's polio shoes.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about the original PPC: The Pioneer Punch Club.

The Pioneer Punch Club? What's that?

It's a secret underground fight circuit

that dates back to pioneer times.

You see, before the West was won...

local farm boys were constantly having to defend themselves

against grizz, river trash, and pageant carnies.

(roaring)

PRATT: They began to test their combat skills every Tuesday night.

But twenty years ago, the PPC was officially banned

by the Idaho State Legislature.

So now the fights are held on Wednesday nights instead.

So you want me to go back in time 20 years

and kill the Idaho State Legislature?

What? No!

Napoleon, I'm convinced that you could become

the next PPC champion. Really?

I'm willing to bet my entire salary as a gym coach.

That's like $6,000! I wish.

(music playing)

I've seen them 137 times

and they've never played a bad show.

♪ Takin' care of pizza ♪

♪Every day♪

♪ Takin' care of pizza ♪

♪Every way♪

♪ Garlic balls are steamy ♪

♪It's all right♪

♪ Alfredo, nice and creamy ♪

♪Every night!♪

Yeah!

Thank you!

We're gonna take a break.

Oh. Animals are amazing.

I'll burn you some of their CDs

if you can loan me some blanks.

You would do that for me?

Wow, has anybody ever told you how sweet you are?

My virtual pets say it all the time.

You know, the last time

a guy took me to a restaurant, he robbed it.

Misty, it sounds like you've been rolling

with the wrong dudes.

Yeah, normally I'm attracted to inmates and gym rats,

but you're not like those men.

You're not like any man at all.

You know I'm not.

I don't get it, Pedro.

According to the map, the Pioneer Punch Club

is supposed to be right here.

Maybe it is just a legend.

(man yelling)

(thud)

NAPOLEON AND PEDRO: Ohh...

(men yelling and grunting)

♪ ♪

(pig snorting)

What do you know?

If it isn't Tinkerbell and his girlfriend, Taco Bell!

You have 32 seconds to tell me

what you're doing on this property.

Coach Pratt sent me. Coach Pratt?

I owe that man my life.

Before he found me,

I was just a skinny kid obsessed with college.

And I was just a lonely girl wandering Chernobyl.

(primal roar)

So who do I fight first? You?

In your dreams!

We have a distinct pecking order here at the PPC.

This here's the Rainbow Trout division.

Duck. Duck. Duck.

Goose!

(crying)

Don't cry, Timmy!

Don't you dare cry!

Over there we have our Cougar Pups

trying to survive the Corn Cob Cannon.

Ah! My leg is broke!

Walk it off, Greg. Walk it off.

Finally, we have our Badger Studs.

They are the true warriors of the PPC.

Nipple twist! Reverse!

(groans)

What's that over there?

I'll answer that question in seven years...

when you're ready.

Come on. Tell me.

Oh, all right. That's the Thundercone.

(thunder rumbling)

I've heard people die there,

like, 20 times a day.

Sweet!

(grunts) Ow!

Not so fast! Anyone who wants to compete

in the Thundercone has to beat my Badger Studs.

(gasps)

Let's do this.

Please, I have a daughter.

Then go to her and tell her who spared your life this day.

Well done, Dynamite!

We'll see you next week...

in the Cone! The what?

The cone! The big thing on the hill.

We've been through this.

Oh, right. It's all I ever wanted.

(to the tune of "Takin' Care of Business"): ♪ If you ever get displeased ♪

♪ Check our crust, it's filled with cheese ♪

♪ We're killing you with every bite ♪

♪ Takin' care of pizza every day. ♪

Now you can rock out to the Goof Nutz Band

any time you want.

Oh, Kip, I don't know what to say.

My heart is racing so fast right now.

(gasps) Oh, that does feel fast.

Can you wait right here for a second?

(grunting): One, two...

three.

One, two...

(grunts)

Ah...

Grandma, I need two things from you.

First, please put on a robe.

Second, I'd like you to meet the girl

that you and I are going

to spend the rest of our lives with.

Okay, this one better not be made of pipe cleaners, Kip.

Grandma, here's the cowgirl

who finally tamed this wild stallion.

Misty? Misty?

Are you playing a lover's prank?

(gasps)

One, two, three...

Oh...

Sorry, Kipper.

I'll go warm up some milk

and fluff up your crying pillow.

Not this time, Grandma.

Not this time.

Except for the milk.

(grunting)

I love the smell of B.O.

I hope that doesn't sound weird.

(bleating): One, two, three.

(door shuts)

Misty, is he bothering you?

Relax, Kip. All I'm doing is watching

your bad boy brother train

for his dangerous, underground fight club.

He's not in a fight club.

Oh, yeah?

How do you explain this sweet temporary tat?

(gasps) I love tats!

Pioneer Punch Club?

But that's for real toughies. How did you get in?

By being my normal, bad "A" self.

You are a bad "A."

Napoleon, get your hands off my lady.

I don't want your sick woman,

but I could take her if I wanted.

He's right, Kip, he could.

But I thought we were getting engaged.

I did, too, I'm not over bad boys yet.

But he's not a bad boy.

He's friendly to all who know him.

That does it, Kip!

You've been taking things from me my whole life.

You took my chicken, now I'm taking your chick.

So say good-bye to the only woman that you've ever loved.

Grandma's not going anywhere.

She's inside, airing out in her bra and jeans.

Not her.

Her! (snaps fingers)

Whoo! (laughs)

Here, could you replace this

with some songs that Napoleon likes?

What? Misty!

No!

Out of my way, fence!

(grunts)

Oh, kick something else!

(sadly): ♪ Taking care of pizza ♪

♪ Every day... ♪

"Unbridled rage"?

Well, that's illuminating.

Hey, Kip, you should see the girl

Napoleon's running around with.

You'd love her!

(banging, clattering)

Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere.

There's no way I can fight without it.

Oh, well, at least your skin is clear.

What are you still doing here, Napoleon?

I thought you had a big fight

to impress the woman you stole from me.

She has a name, Kip.

I just don't know what it is.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be the ride I arranged for you.

REX: Dynamite, where are you?!

Oh, man, it's Rex!

Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea!

He's right here, Rex, hiding under his bed.

Kip, shut up! (gasps)

Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone!

You're gonna fight whether you want to or not!

(gasps)

Be careful, he has diarrhea.

RICO: So, who's fighting tonight, Carlinda?

Don't know, don't care,

as long as men are hurting and blood's a-spurting!

(beans rattling in can)

(chanting): Frijoles Santos!

Diganme la futura de mi amigo Napoleon!

What do the beans say?

It's not really specific.

(camera snapping)

Deb, what are you doing here?

I take pictures for the Thundercone newsletter

and the Thundercone blog.

Geez, the Thundercone is like the worst-kept secret ever!

(crowd jeering)

♪ O Thundercone, O Thunder, Thundercone! ♪

Napoleon, wait! I have something for you.

It's a short story I wrote,

but you don't have to read it right now.

I can tell you this much,

you shouldn't have a colon in the title.

(grunts)

(clanging)

And now for the main event of the evening,

we bring you a bloodbath like no other!

(cheering)

Hey, that's Napoleon!

What's that idiot doing in there?

Entering the Thundercone for the first time tonight is

the Pioneer Punch Club's new rising star...

that annoying kid in town

you just want to see bad stuff happen to...

you know him, you hate him: Napoleon Dynamite!

Hey, that's not the intro I gave you!

And now his opponent and executioner,

another fresh face: The Man With No Face!

(crowd cheers, spurs clanking)

(gasps)

♪ He has no face ♪

♪ He has no face! ♪

Spare me, Man With No Face.

(whimpers)

Now who's the toughie?

Kip, you liar, you have a face!

And I'm gonna to freaking pound it!

(crowd cheers)

Kipper?!

Aw, I've seen these guys fight...

every time a dang shampoo sample comes in the mail.

Kip, this is gonna be the easiest fight of my life.

Is it, Napoleon?

You stole my Rack-U-Tane!

You stole my Misty!

I love when guys fight over me.

Yeah, me, too.

Screw you, Kip!

All right.

But first, let meunscrew the cap on this tube.

I am so gonna apply my skills to beat you!

Perhaps. Right after Iapply

the last of this rage cream to my face.

Quit cleverly twisting my words!

Stop talking, start punching!

(hissing)

(crowd cheers)

Prepare to be humiliated in front of Misty.

(gasping)

Come on. Let me murder you.

(grunts)

When the heck did you learn to walk to walk on stilts?!

The question you should be asking is:

"Will Kip show me mercy?"

(grunts)

The answer is "no."

Punch! Punch! Punch!

I love you now, Kip!

(sobbing): Why am I so crazy?

(grunts)

And now for a cute little death blow

I call "The Blood Brother."

That's a stupid name. Now finish me.

(cream hisses)

(grunts)

Ow, my hand!

What happened?

Ha! The Rack-U-Tane wore off,

so now Misty will see who the real man is.

Let's do this.

(grunting)

Quit breathing on me!

That tickles!

Illegal!

I'm telling Grandma!

Yeah, this looks familiar.

Here comes the hair pulling.

BOTH: Ow! Ow!

Quit it! Let go of me!

You first! Geez!

These pussy willows are ruining my show!

(booing)

(chain saw revving)

Raise the cage!

(loud clanging)

(chewing sounds)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the beast of the Thundercone and the love of my life...

Starla!

(primal roar)

♪ Love of his life! ♪

Isn't it ironic, Napoleon?

We've been fighting over a woman,

and now we're gonna die under one.

Don't worry, Kip.

You'll never wind up under a woman.

You know what to do.

You better believe it, baby.

(revving)

Huh?

(growling)

Me first!

(booing)

Thanks, Kip. I couldn't have

chickened-out with a better guy.

Can we make up later?

I can't run and talk at the same time.

(both gasp)

(roaring)

Kill 'em, honey bunch!

I love you, Starla!

♪ All that she wants is another pizza ♪

♪With pepperoni♪

♪ All that she wants is another pizza ♪

♪Yeah-eah, yeah-eah.♪

I used to come here

after all my high school football games.

Except back then it was a Laundromat .

Are all their songs about pizza?

Pizza-ritaville's not about pizza,

it's about a town.

I think they're from there.

They're not from anywhere, idiot.

They're fake.

Thank you! Good night!

(equipment powers down)

See?

Always good to see you, Kip.

Told ya!