Original subtitles

I can't believe the Battle of the Bands

is only three days away.

Oh, did you finish writing our new song yet?

No, I think I'll just wait for inspiration to strike

while I'm napping in Geometry.

Amy.

As last year's champions,

we need back-to-back wins

to prove our band isn't a fluke.

Five years ago, the Monobrows didn't win a second time.

And now they're stuck playing nursing homes.

Well, I do like an audience

that can't just get up and leave.

Look, I want to win again as much as you do.

This song just isn't coming to me as fast as the others.

Well, then let me help you.

No. Look, I need to prove to myself

and to you that I can do this.

Just be patient. I'm gonna write us a great song. I promise.

Hey, girls, ready for the Battle of the Bands?

I really think you have a shot at beating us again.

Are you being sarcastic?

No. I'm being nice, like you suggested.

I feel nothing inside when I'm doing it,

but at least it's making other people happy.

If I have to be nice, you do too.

Okay, nice Gem scares me a lot more than mean Gem.

Well, I, for one, am looking forward

to a friendly competition without any insults.

And I'm looking forward

to insulting someone who can't insult me back.

What? You told her to be nice. Didn't say anything about me.

Amy!

Uh, you're home.

Uh, but I thought Wednesday was the day you throw eggs at things

and Hartley cleans them up.

Scheduling it was taking out all the spontaneity.

What are you doing with my guitar?

Oh. Heh, you know, just cooking up a little ditty

about my favorite sister.

Yeah, I'm not even buying that.

Okay, I may have been borrowing it

to teach myself how to play.

Hmm. Grab the eggs, Hartley.

I'm feeling spontaneous.

I've been watching online tutorials the last few months and,

not to strum my own guitar, but I'm really good.

Well, you've got the ego part down.

Don't worry. I can still break his spirit.

And trust me, guitar isn't something

you just pick up after watching a few videos.

You were saying?

Jake, that was amazing.

Eh. Less is more.

I wanted to play in the Battle of the Bands,

but they don't accept solo acts.

So I was thinking...

Don't even say it.

...that maybe...

You're still saying it.

-...I could join your band. -And you said it.

Come on, we could be like Billie and Finneas...

and Hartley.

I'm on board.

I think Jake joining the band would be fun.

To be fair, you think a monkey joining the band would be fun.

Have you seen them play the cymbals?

I'm just saying, with the contest coming up,

we could use the extra help.

How? What could he possibly add to the band?

Well, he can be the swing vote when we disagree on things.

Oh, yeah, 'cause nothing says "rock 'n' roll"

like swing votes.

Plus, we already have a guitarist. Me.

The more the merrier. I say he's in.

And I say he's out.

Hmm, looks like we have a stalemate.

Good thing I'm your swing vote. Whoo! I'm in the band!

Yeah!

So today's the day the music died.

Blah!

Blah!

I know we're villains,

but please tell me you didn't steal a baby.

No but I've often wondered if we could return a teenager.

Well, my co-worker couldn't find a sitter for her shift,

so as her responsible supervisor,

I offered to babysit.

Why didn't you just cover her shift?

'Cause then I'd have to work.

Plus, also, babies love me.

You three took much quicker to me than you did to your father.

Well, yeah, but to be fair, Dad's creepy.

I know you think that's a slam,

but I wear it as a badge of honor.

Oh.

Robert? What are you doing here?

Whatever it is, we didn't do it.

Why do you say that every time I'm here?

I...

Look. Cute baby.

You had another baby?

No. We learned our lesson after this one.

Trust me, I did that nonexistent kid a solid.

-What's with the dog? -This is Rex.

My K-9 trainee.

Celia told me you agreed to watch him while I run some errands.

Why would she do that?

Because our suffering is her joy.

Ah. Ah!

Well, that's strange.

He only does that when he detects a perp.

No perps in this house.

Get up.

He won't let me.

This is what I get for keeping loose jerky in my pockets.

I'm sorry, Robert, we'd love to look after your dog...

And... he's gone.

Not gonna lie,

I'm kind of questioning our life choices right now.

Hello, Battle of the Bands!

What are you doing? What is that?

That's how we're gonna make our entrance tonight.

No, we've been over this.

Hartley and I are gonna walk on stage while you play

from an area that's stage-adjacent.

You know, like the parking lot.

Amy, you can't just knock down all of Jake's ideas.

Although I do hold firm with you

that he's not playing the guitar with his feet.

You said you wanted to stand out.

With a guitar solo, not your nasty snaggle toes.

Okay, Amy, where's the song?

Well, Hartley, you know, some say it's deep in your heart.

Some say it's deep in your soul.

-You didn't write it, did you? -Some say I did not.

-Amy! -Don't worry.

I got us covered. I wrote a song.

-You what? -Yeah.

This is what I can add to your band: songs.

Online tutorials have been coming in very handy lately.

Jake, these lyrics are really good.

Thanks. I just thought, "What would Adele do?"

Then I did it better.

Look, Hartley, we can't use his song.

We don't have a choice.

The contest is five hours away.

Look, I know I'm cutting it close, but I can do it.

Just give me a chance.

I mean, besides,

I thought this band was just you and me.

We don't have a song without Jake.

Yeah, or maybe we don't have a song because of Jake.

He's been distracting me and ruining my confidence.

I just-- I can't have him in our band.

Okay. If you feel that strongly about it,

then I understand.

I just don't know how to break it to him.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough.

Good news, I just wrote another song.

You're out of the band.

I can't believe you're kicking me out.

I made this band what it is.

You've only been in it for three days.

I know, that's why I'm being dramatic,

so I can beef up my argument.

Amy, you know the only way I can be in Battle of the Bands

is if I'm in an actual band.

Well, we talked about it,

and we decided "The Mad Heart" is just the two of us.

So, obviously we can't use a song you wrote.

But it's a song you need.

It's like you're punishing me for trying to help.

To be fair, I've punished you for less.

It's true. Remember that time she punished you for breathing?

You had to come to my house just to exhale.

You know what? Fine. If you don't want me, I'm done.

See? Even the amp wants me to stay in the band.

I thought you said babies love you.

Did I say that?

No, no. It's cats. Cats love me. Babies hate me.

Well, this dog definitely hates me.

Which is weird, because we share a lot

of the same interests, you know,

like chasing things, and playing in the dirt,

and eating stuff off the floor.

Yeah, throw in the outdoor bathroom habits,

I wouldn't be able to tell you apart.

Hey, they finally stopped.

They must've worn themselves out.

Don't make a sound or they will wake up again.

I got the fix!

Dad! We had the fix. They were asleep.

Oh. Well, I want them awake to hear this idea, anyway.

It's that good.

What's your fix?

Remember last week when our neighbors

were jackhammering their patio?

Yeah, they found a set of bones, and we haven't seen Celia since.

Well, I created this device

to turn that unpleasant sound into a pleasant one.

Once I use this, the baby's crying will become a soothing lullaby,

and Rex's barking, the relaxing sound of ocean waves.

Sweetheart, we've been over this. Less explaining, more using.

Boom. Vic out.

Did-- Did that dog just cry like a baby?

Yep, and the baby's barking like a dog.

Other than that, your device works perfectly.

I've never used it on two things at once.

It appears to have swapped their voices.

But on the bright side, we now have a voice swapper!

Who needs a voice swapper? Nobody needs a voice swapper.

I'd like to swap your voice with someone more supportive.

Oh. Oh, it's Robert.

He's coming to pick up the dog!

Okay, calm down.

All I have to do is reverse the effects of the device

and everything will be back to normal.

Miserable, but normal.

Wait, where is the device?

No! Bad dog!

I mean, baby. I mean, bad dog-baby.

You might want to pick up the mic you dropped.

Got it. Oh, no!

He ate the activator button.

Oh. Well, lucky for you,

what goes in must come out.

See? I told you we didn't need Jake.

I delivered on the song, just like I said I would.

You wrote an angsty manifesto about your annoying brother.

Yeah. You know, having him in the band was a distraction.

But having him leave the band was an inspiration.

I'm not sure it's our best work.

The chorus is just you screaming, "Go away, bro!"

Plus, we barely have any time to rehearse.

Trust me, we're ready for this competition.

Oh, we're so ready for this.

Wait, are we ready for this?

Because I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Will you calm down? Your anxiety's rubbing off on me.

And that's surprising, 'cause I usually don't care about anything.

You're right. What am I worried for?

We have your guitar solo to put us over the top.

You did practice your guitar solo, right?

Um... no. Look, I'm sorry.

I was just so focused on finishing the song,

I forgot to even come up with one.

I knew we should've kept Jake in the band.

He could've worked on the solo while you finished writing the song.

What? No, no, no. We don't need Jake.

I don't even need practice. I can wing it.

I mean, our biggest competition is Gem.

She doesn't even play guitar.

Yeah. It's too hard to practice while you're staring at yourself in the mirror.

Oh, let me guess.

You're here to beg us to let you back in the band.

Nope. I don't need your band.

I joined another one.

What? Whose?

Mine.

Now we're Gem and the Other Girls Plus This Guy.

That's right.

And guess who's about to rob you of your title?

This guy.

And guess who's gonna be stuck playing a nursing home?

These girls.

I can't believe you betrayed me.

This is right up there with that time you stole money

from my room to buy yourself new clothes.

You did that to me.

See what you've done, Jake?

I'm so upset I can't even keep my crimes straight.

I wouldn't have even had to join Gem's band

if you hadn't kicked me out of yours.

Please, I didn't kick you out.

We had creative differences.

I'm creative and you're different.

Gem, why would you let my brother in your band?

I was being nice.

It was him or some girl who plays tambourine.

And my niceness has its limits.

Well, kick him out.

-I can't. -Why not?

Because he's also my wardrobe assistant,

water pourer and ride to and from the venue.

You live a block away.

I know. Far, right?

I should be thanking you for kicking me out of your band.

At least Gem respects me.

Respects you? She doesn't even know your name.

Ah, I've only been Jake for two years.

I can live with "This Guy."

Great.

Now our biggest competition does have a guitarist.

And he's really good.

You think that tambourine girl is still available?

Don't worry. I got a plan.

Oh, why do I feel like

it'll have more to do with getting even with Jake

than helping us win the contest?

Aw, because you're smarter than I give you credit for.

Robert will be here any minute.

We cannot let him see the dog crying and the baby barking.

Oh, come on, he's dating Celia.

This can't be the strangest thing he's seen.

Vic, Eva?

I'm here to pick up Rex.

He's late for his shift at the airport.

It gets kind of weird when I have to sniff the luggage.

Okay, look, I can quickly fix the device.

I need you two to stall Robert

while I take the baby and the dog down to the lair.

Oh! I can shape-shift into the baby

and distract Robert till you get back.

Great. Come here, Rex.

Okay, here goes.

Robert. Sorry. Didn't hear you knocking there.

Rex is a bit of a barker, isn't he?

Have you tried letting him chew on your leg?

That usually stops him.

So where is he?

Uh...

Oh, look! Cute baby.

Ooh-hoo!

Didn't we do this already?

Oh. Hey, Dad.

Why is there a crying dog and a barking baby in our lair?

I don't know. Why are you sneaking with Jake's new guitar?

-Fair enough. -Have a good night.

Hey there, little one.

Oh! You are cute.

Hey!

You know, it's times like this I wish we could arrest babies.

Yeah. Heh.

You should probably head upstairs to get that cleaned up.

Good one, Colbs.

Thanks. It's a new power.

I call it "puking on demand."

Not sure when I'll use it again, but good to know it's in the bank.

Okay, I repaired the device.

The dog and the baby are back to normal.

Ah. All cleaned up.

There's my boy!

Come here, Rex!

Dad. The device.

Robert? Everything okay?

Did I just bark?

No! What? That'd be crazy.

Well, you'd better get going. That luggage isn't gonna sniff itself.

Come on, Rex. Come on, boy.

Yeah.

Yes! It worked!

One annoying thing down, and one to go.

Oh, well, the baby's mother just texted me.

-She's on her way. -Oh, right. The baby.

I was talking about Colby.

And just like that, the bar has been raised.

There you are. It's almost our turn.

The kazoo band just blew the roof off of this place.

And a lot of spit on the stage. I'm really hoping they clean that up.

Hello, friends.

I'm calling you friends because I'm nice now.

Everyone give it up for my new guitar player...

This Guy!

Hello, Battle of the Bands!

Sorry. Sorry.

Uh, ahem... But, hey, uh, why should I do all the talking

when I can let this little lady do it for me?

Boo! Get off the stage, hack!

Gem, I'm in your band.

Oh, right.

Guess old habits die hard.

Get ready. This is gonna be good.

Ow! What the--?

Ow!

Other people's pain is not funny.

Other people's pain is not funny.

One sec, I'll get it.

Ow!

What's wrong, Jake?

Does your little lady not want to play?

Amy, what did you do?

I ran home and zapped Jake's guitar strings

with my mom's charging port

so there'd be thousands of volts running through them.

He's literally holding an electric guitar.

Starting to see why you said his performance would be shocking.

Ow!

What are you doing? We're gonna lose the contest!

Which is okay,

because nobody loses when we're having fun!

It's not me, it's the guitar.

Wow, Jake, getting kazooed off stage.

That's a first.

You did this.

Yeah, because I came here to win.

Yeah? Well, you're forgetting one thing.

My super strength gives me a higher threshold for pain.

Watch this.

This Guy! This Guy! This Guy!

This Guy! This Guy!

No, no. No, no, no. Not that guy.

Time to show this crowd some real skills.

Amy, no!

-You want a battle? Let's battle. -You're on.

-Out of my way. -What? You get out of my way.

-Back off, you're ruining my set. -No, you're ruining your set.

Ugh! Get off my stage!

It was my stage first!

Look what you're doing.

I'm doing what you're doing, but better.

Uh-oh.

Are you happy? You just got us disqualified.

Wait, so we won?

No. We got disqualified, too.

That's it. I'm back to being mean.

You know, in a weird way, that comforts me.

I'm sorry we lost Battle of the Bands.

It was all my fault.

Oh, I was there. I know.

Look, nobody's perfect.

I'm certainly not. But that's why we're a team.

-So we can help each other. -Yeah, some team we were.

I let my insecurity get in the way of writing that stupid song.

To be honest,

I think this was about more than just a song.

I was really hoping it was just about a song.

While you go talk to him, I'm gonna go watch

some online tutorials about how to play the kazoo!

Hey. You okay?

Yeah. I mean, aside

from the residual voltage.

-Ow! -Yeah, you had that coming.

Look, none of this would've happened

if you had just let me stay in your band.

-You're right. -Ah, don't try to deny it.

Wait, what?

I shouldn't have kicked you out.

I was just afraid that you'd be better than me at that, too.

What are you talking about?

Jake, you're good at everything.

Fitting in, being nice,

making small talk with people

and not wanting to sonic-blast them through a wall.

Music's all I have.

It's the one thing in this new life that I'm really good at.

That's not true. You're good at...

I mean, there's, uh...

You know what? I'll just send you a list later.

Well, I think we found something you're not good at:

Making me feel better.

Look, the whole reason I even started learning guitar

was because I saw how much joy you were getting out of it,

and I wanted to know if it brought me the same joy.

And it did. But it's your thing.

So I'll just find something else.

No. You're really good,

and there's no reason we can't both play.

So, you want to be back in the band?

That's really nice of you, but like I said,

it's your thing.

Besides, I think we both know this kind of talent needs to fly solo.

I've never been happier to be rejected.

You're welcome.