Original subtitles

So, I said, "Hey, lady, there's a line."

And she looked at me, and she said, "I don't do lines."

Then she blew right past me and walked straight up to the front.

Ugh. People can be so rude.

Oh, no, this wasn't people.

It was my mom.

Guys, you are not gonna believe what just happened.

Oh, let me guess, another one of your nose hairs popped out

while you were waiting tables at the Round-Up.

I'm pretty sure it's a health hazard.

Last time he served me, I found one floating

in my tortilla soup.

Some countries think it's good luck...

I've heard.

I'm not talking about my nose hairs.

Well, that's the problem. I really think we should be.

On my way home, I saw a car crash into a pole.

The driver passed out, and there were all these people around,

but nobody could help him.

-So, what did you do? -Nothing.

I couldn't use my super-strength because people would see.

The driver had to wait for the Jaws of Life

when I was standing right there

with these jaws of life!

Yes, you were the real victim in that accident.

Everyone applauded the rescue team,

but all I could think about was how much faster

I could've done it.

Well, there are other things

you can do to help people.

Yesterday, I dropped off a bag

of gently-used clothes

to the local shelter.

What a rush!

Wait, is that why I'm missing

three of my favorite shirts?

Thanks for your donation.

Anybody can throw Amy's hideous shirts

in a garbage bag.

But with my powers, I can do so much more.

Which got me thinking,

there aren't any superheroes around here,

and this town deserves someone to look out for them.

So, I've decided to become...

Valley View's first-ever secret hero.

Any chance you could also become

my secret brother?

Unit 13, lane drive on Central.

Come on! Something bad happen to someone!

Yeah, that's probably not a thing heroes say.

Attention, dispatch. I have an urgent ten-one hundred.

Ooh! What's a ten-one hundred?

Bathroom break?

They can handle that on their own.

What are you doing?

I've been up all night listening

to the police scanner. It lets me know

who's in distress so I can rush in

before anyone else and save the day.

Wow, you're really doing this.

Ew! You're really doing this?

Yeah. Last night, I moved a boulder out of the road,

stopped a construction crane from tipping over.

I even used my super-strength stomp to scare off some burglars.

Wait, you sacrificed sleep for that?

Look, Jake, you can't just run around town

using your villain powers. You're gonna get us all caught.

I say the same thing to you

all the time, and you never listen to me.

Well, yeah, but we've been over this.

I'm always right and you're always wrong.

He does have a point.

You do use your powers in public a lot.

Yesterday at school, you used your sonic blast

to reheat a breakfast burrito.

Hey! If I'm hungry in the morning,

a lot of people are in danger.

And it didn't seem to bother you when I heated up your onion rings.

I said you use your powers a lot.

Not that they don't come in handy.

Look, I'm not gonna get us caught.

I'm a secret hero, remember?

No one's gonna know it's me.

Huh? Huh? What do you think?

I don't wanna look too good, I'm supposed to be blending in.

I like where this is going.

You sure you don't wanna cover your whole face,

like, all the time?

It seems fine to me if you're saving people anonymously.

You know, a true hero doesn't do it for the recognition.

That's right, Hartley.

When it comes to enriching the soul,

there's no need to keep score.

But just for the record, I'm four-and-oh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this hero

needs to get back to his scanner.

We've got an APB out

on a gigantic nerd in the kitchen.

Oh, I think I've got a lead on this one.

Hey, guys,

look what I just learned how to do.

Ah, juggling. That's great.

Son of a genius with the skills of a seal.

There you are.

I've been tearing through your house looking for you.

You snooped through our house when we weren't there?

I sleep in your house when you're not there.

Anyway, I heard you're running

the Round-Up's annual Iron Tongue Hot Pepper Eating Contest

at the fair this weekend.

That's right. Now I'm supervisor,

I'm in charge of all sorts of stuff.

It took a while,

but I finally worked my way up--

You could've just said yes.

Anyway...

I'm the reigning champ,

but no one has signed up to challenge me this year,

so I'll just take the $300 in prize money now.

Did someone say "prize money"? How do I win?

I bet you've been asking yourself that your whole life.

Each contestant has to eat an extremely hot pepper

called "The Poltergeist."

"The Poltergeist"? Th-That's

the hottest pepper known to man.

I saw a guy eat one online,

you'd think "cough up a lung" is just an expression,

but nope!

Not an issue when your insides are half titanium.

Anyway, whoever goes the longest,

without drinking milk, to stop the extreme burning

in their mouth, wins the contest.

Sounds easy! I'm in.

I accept your challenge,

but you're gonna wish I hadn't.

I'm the queen of pepper eatin'.

I have the esophagus of a dragon.

Ah! If you only had the wings of one,

so you can fly far, far away.

Heh, I'm sorry, you think

you can win a hot pepper contest?

The same guy who says vanilla ice cream

has too much bite?

Oh, I know I can win,

and I won't have to eat anything spicy.

I'll just genetically modify two peppers--

one, not spicy for me,

and one insanely spicy for Celia,

and then you can swap them for the peppers

we're supposed to eat in the contest.

Uh-uh-uh. No way. I'm in charge of this contest.

If my boss finds out I had a hand in fixing it, I'll be fired.

Oh, come on! Celia beats me at everything:

the bull riding, the scare contest, the race to the moon.

Okay, that last one may have been a dream I had.

But I can't keep letting Celia make a fool out of me.

Besides, don't you wanna see me win that prize money?

Ohh, not as much as I wanna see

you scream your face off as the extremely hot pepper

burns a hole in your stomach.

What's everybody so excited about?

Did that weird teacher who tap dances

finally win the big Twinkle Toes Tournament?

Mr. Clawson? Hmm, no.

He retired from dancing last year.

Ah, so he tapped out.

You get it? He "tapped" out?

I really need to be on stage somewhere.

Apparently, there's some super cool secret hero

who's been saving people all over town,

and everyone's talking about it.

It's me! I'm the hero!

Jake, this is exactly what I was worried about.

Once people start talking about a secret hero...

Oh, no, no, no. "Super cool secret hero."

Their words, not mine.

Yeah, whatever. It's only a matter of time

until people start digging around, and they find out it's you.

Yeah. And then they'll discover our secret,

and we're all goin' down!

"Our" secret?

At this point,

you broke me, you bought me!

Relax. No one has any proof of what I did.

Besides, it's nice to hear that my heroic deeds are making an impact.

Reminds me of when I was Chaos.

I was on the tip of everyone's tongues.

Except most of those tongues were saying that they hated me.

Oh, I know mine was.

Give it up with the hateful comments.

Oh, hey, Mike...

Careful up there, Bodhi.

Can I give you a hand?

Nope, I got it.

Nope, don't got it!

Bodhi!

Gotcha!

What just happened?

Hartley saved me. She's a hero!

What? No, I'm the hero!

You didn't save me.

Nope, that's true.

He hasn't helped anyone,

and he can't tell you any different.

Thanks again for saving me, Hartley.

Can I get a selfie with my hero?

Oh, uh...

Well, I wouldn't call myself a hero.

But you and ten other people did,

so get this girl a cape!

Wow, Hartley, you're like the new celebrity

of the school.

Which isn't saying much,

since the last celebrity was the kid

who stacked ten cookies on his forehead.

Oh, please. She's no Cookie-Head Larry.

What's wrong, Jake? You seem upset.

Me? No, I'm not upset.

It's just... you saved one kid from falling off a ladder.

Does that really make you a hero?

Teachers, now they're the real heroes.

They catch you from falling off...

life's ladder.

He's mad,

because you're the new hero

who stole his thunder.

I wasn't trying to steal anything.

And what happened to you not needing credit?

Oh, grow up, Hartley. Everyone who does good things says

they don't want credit, but we all know

they're really in it for the credit!

Hmm, you know, this is exactly

how Cookie-Head Larry fell from grace.

Look, I'm sorry. I saved a ton of people this week,

and you caught one very light, clumsy kid.

What, was I just supposed to let him fall?

That would have been the polite thing to do.

And you didn't save a ton of people.

It was, like, eight at best.

Hey, don't forget the baby.

It could grow up to cure disease,

and then all of those people count, too.

Jake, it's not a contest.

Oh, I know it's not a contest.

I'm just gonna spend all night

saving even more people, so that by tomorrow,

I'm the one everyone's talking about again,

not you!

That's the literal definition of a contest.

Bet I could come up with a better definition than you.

You have a problem!

Ah, the county fair. Dangerous rides,

teenagers operating 'em.

What could possibly go wrong?

I don't know, but are Ferris wheels

supposed to wobble like that?

Son, these are the memories you'll treasure.

Fixing a pepper-eating contest

so your daddy can rub his victory

in a senior citizen's face.

Wait. I thought Mom told you

she didn't want you fixing the contest?

-I'm not fixing the contest. You are. -What?

Your mother's expecting me to rig the contest,

but with your invisibility, you can get the job done.

She won't have a clue.

Hold up. So, if Mom gets fired,

it's my fault?

Yes. But on the bright side,

we'll remember you fondly.

These are the genetically modified peppers.

-But the bag says "banana." -Yeah, it's code.

My pepper isn't spicy, so it'll be like eating a banana.

But Celia's pepper is ten times spicier

than a Poltergeist pepper,

so it'll be like eating

a "banana on the sun."

Okay, well, do they taste like bananas?

-No. -Then what's the point of bringing up bananas--

It's a frame of reference!

The point is, Celia will lose,

and I'll win the money.

Now, go make it happen.

I mean...

thanks for your help, my oddly gifted son.

Fried butter, huh?

That seems like a good idea

before you hop on a roller coaster.

Oh, hey, Colbs.

Hey, Mom.

What's in the bag?

Uh... Well, you see,

t-the thing is, it's, uh...

Oh, okay, let me guess: Your father wants

to rig the contest, even though I told him not to?

Wanna see me juggle again?

- What's up with you? - You look exhausted.

I spent all night saving lives

just so people would start talking about me again.

But the only person they want to talk about is Hartley!

Oh, come on. I mean, she saved one kid.

People can't be talking that much.

Well, we do live in Valley View.

These people do a countdown to butterfly season.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

So, Hartley made the news.

You should be happy for her.

I mean, isn't the whole thing

with you disgustingly nice people

that you support each other?

Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't let it get to me.

Hartley did a good thing. It doesn't take away

from all I've done, just 'cause she's getting a little attention.

Guys!

I've been so busy

making the hero rounds, I didn't even get to show you

the video my grandma sent me!

B-B-Bodhi! Bodhi!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Gotcha! G-G-Gotcha!

Hartley saved me.

She's a hero-hero-hero.

Hartley saved me.

She's a hero-hero-hero.

It went viral?

Must've, if my grandma saw it.

The only videos she watches

are backyard brawls and deep fryer disasters.

Well, I better go get ready for the fair! Heh.

-The fair? -Yeah.

The fair committee is presenting me

with the Valley View Hero Award. Heh.

Didn't you read about it in the newspaper?

Nope.

Must've missed it.

It's right behind you, do you want me to get it, or...?

You're not gonna accept the award, are you?

-Why wouldn't I? -Because you said

a true hero doesn't do it for the recognition.

Well, I didn't do it for the recognition.

But if they want to give it to me,

then I might as well pack my bags

and check into my suite at the hero hotel! Heh!

-Unbelievable! -Oh, the part where

Hartley's accepting the award, or the part of you

that thought any of this was a good idea?

You know what? I just figured out

why Hartley's getting the attention that I'm not.

It's because I've been saving people as a secret hero.

Well, not anymore!

It's time to show everyone that Jake Madden

is the real hero of Valley View.

But first, I gotta take a nap.

This hero is sleepy.

Jake. Look, I know you're an egomaniac

who's willing to scrape the bottom of the barrel

just to get an ounce of validation,

but I won't let you use your powers to do it!

I'm not using my powers.

Oh. Well, then forget all the other stuff I just said,

but I'm standing by the egomaniac part.

-What are you up to? -Oh, I used my super-strength

to loosen a dead branch off of this baby.

While the crowd's watching Hartley give her speech,

I'm gonna discreetly super-stomp the ground to shake the tree.

The branch will come down, and I'll rush over and catch it.

You just said you weren't using your powers.

Yeah, I was lying so you'd go away.

No way. I'm not letting you use your powers in public.

-You're gonna get us caught. -Relax.

No one's gonna even notice me stomp my foot.

I'll just look like a grown man throwing a tantrum.

Oh, that's so cute.

You think you look like a grown man.

And no one will be near the branch

when it falls, so no one will get hurt.

It's a simple story: Branch falls, Jake is a hero,

Jake goes viral, the whole world loves Jake.

Yeah. The whole world shouldn't know Jake.

That would be bad for our entire family.

Plus, there's no way I'm letting you ruin Hartley's award ceremony

just so you can get an ego boost.

Yeah? Well, good luck trying to stop me.

Hm. I don't need luck.

I've got this.

I can't move!

Oh, so I can't use my powers, but you can use yours?

Mm, hey, if I didn't have double standards,

I wouldn't have any standards at all.

Hello, Celia.

Quiet. Can't you see I'm pepper preppin'?

What is that?

You said we were eating peppers.

That's not peppers, that's salsa!

No one said we were eating salsa!

Relax, twitchy. This is just my pre-game.

Time to heat things up!

Oh, I'm barely gonna taste that.

Mama needs a waterfall!

Yeah, yeah, you made your point. Are you done?

Nope.

Now I'm done.

Ahh...

Okay, Celia, you drink all the salsa you want.

You're no match for my iron tongue.

Hey, did you swap the bananas?

Yep. Good to go.

Is she...

Is she drinking salsa?

Yeah, that's nothing. You should see

what she can do with a jar of mayo.

All right, everyone.

The contest is about to begin.

Remember, whoever goes the longest

without drinking their milk wins.

Oh, and since my husband is competing,

please be aware that the first two rows

may get cried on.

Good luck, Celia. May the best pepper eater win.

I will destroy you,

and no one will remember your name.

Well, that's darker than I thought we were going.

Okay. Lady and gentleman,

heh, start your taste buds!

Just eat.

It's too hot!

I can't take it!

Oh! Look who can't handle the heat!

This is how a real champ does it!

I was kidding. I'm fine.

Mmm, this pepper went down

easier than ever!

I'd say it was like eating a banana,

but that's confusing.

Wait...

So, if you're fine, that means that I just ate...

The wrong one?

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Mm-hmm. You're about to find out what "burning the candle

at both ends" feels like.

Ho-- How-- How did she know?

She always knows.

Oops.

Well, I'd say, that's a win for all of us.

That's my grandbaby up there!

You better clap.

Get your stupid Sonic Band off me!

Oh, are you gonna nix your stupid plan?

Yes.

Are ya lying again?

Yes.

Just let me have this! I wanna be a hero!

Aw, begging. So heroic.

I touched my eyes! It burns!

-Jake! -It burns!

Mr. Madden!

Are you okay?

I don't know who's talking,

but I'm gonna go put my head

in the dunk tank.

Should I tell him there's no dunk tank?

Nah.

That was really bad. Dad could've gotten seriously hurt.

I know. I don't think I could feel any worse.

My granddaughter's a hero again! Ha ha!

-I was wrong. I feel worse. -Mmm.

I should never have tried to fake being a hero.

You faked being a hero?

Uh-oh...

Jake, did you set up that tree branch to fall?

What? Heh. No.

Nature's just finally fighting back!

Okay, look...

I'm sorry.

Being a hero is a lot of work,

especially when you don't get any credit.

I know I shouldn't be in it for that, but...

when I saw the attention you were getting,

I wanted some, too.

No, I... I get it.

Why do you think I got so caught up in all of this?

Doing good things is a thankless job.

I've cleaned up the school hundreds of times,

and do you think anyone thanks me?

No! They just make more of a mess.

Hm. People are horrible.

By "they," I meant you.

Mm. You know, I thought so, but I wasn't a hundred percent.

Thanks for clarifying.

Hartley, I should've never tried to steal your spotlight.

I've only been a hero for a couple days,

but you've been a good person your whole life.

You deserve this award more than anyone.

-Thanks. -And from now on,

I think I'll leave the do-gooding to you.

My secret hero days are over.

Hm. Did they ever really begin?

Jake, you don't need

to do big things to be a hero.

You can help people in small ways.

The world also needs everyday heroes.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

There's no need to force it.

I don't need an award for doing good deeds.

Me, neither. Heh.

But I got one, so I'm gonna go show it off!

I knew putting a low setting on this freeze ray

would come in handy.

Well, did you learn your lesson?

Yeah. Next time, I'll choose

a more loyal accomplice.

Yeah, and next time, I'll choose

someone who knows more about bananas.

Oh, at least my first contest was a success.

People are already buying tickets for next year.

Mm. Also, it's no longer a contest,

just people paying to watch you eat peppers and cry.

Let me guess, you're here

to rub your victory in my face.

Nah, you being the joke of the town is enough for me.

I thought these ice pops

might soothe your burning tongue.

Oh, that's actually sweet of you, Celia.

Mmm. That's an unusual flavor.

What is it?

Habanero pepper. Heh.

So, how much do I owe you for the ice pops?