Original subtitles

Elisabeth!

-We love you! -We love you, Elisabeth!

-Please! -Over here!

Oh my God, we love you!

I love her.

Sparkle!

...my favourite.

Wanna get something to eat?

Yeah, I'll get a pretzel, or something.

-Remember her? -She was in that movie... Uh!

We're gonna have to let her know we're gonna be late.

Yeah, I'll give her a text.

He owes me 20 bucks.

Get out the way!

Vamos!

Shit!

You got it!

Feel that power, ladies!

And march! Get those knees up.

You got it!

Come on!

Front.

Kick!

Kick!

Oh yeah, you got it!

Square.

Think about those bikini bods.

You wanna look like a giant jellyfish on the beach?

Come on.

Cross.

Push.

Kick! Come on, you got it!

Hang in there, ladies, you've got it.

You've got it!

Whoo!

Great workout, ladies.

Alright, I hope I see you next week for Sparkle Your Life.

We're gonna work on the lateral abs, you know, the most difficult part to sculpt.

But in the meantime, take care of yourself.

Move it back, position one.

Great job, ladies.

You got it.

Alright, get these lights down for me.

-Happy birthday! -Oh, thank you.

-Happy birthday. -Oh, thank you.

-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

I don't care if we have to see every fucking young

girl in this fucking town in the next few weeks!

Look, I'll make it simple.

We need her young.

We need her hot.

We need her now.

How the old bitch has been able to stick around for this long,

that's the fucking mystery to me.

Oh, Oscar winner my ass.

When was that? Back in the 30s, what, for King Kong?

-...promised her... -No.

I don't give a fuck what we promised her!

This is network TV, not a fucking charity.

Find me somebody new!

Now!

Hey, did you know that a woman's fertility starts to decrease about the age of 25?

How old is Jennifer?

You better get busy!

It's like when you see someone fart on screen.

People just love that.

I mean, that's just the way it is.

C'est la vie.

People are just people.

And I have to give people what they want.

That's what keeps the shareholders happy.

And people always ask for something new.

Renewal…

Is inevitable.

And at 50…

Well…

It stops.

What stops?

What?

What stops?

Um…

You know, the…

The...

Oh, George!

-Oh, oh! -I'm sorry, I gotta run.

Harvey!

George, those ratings are insane!

You're a genius!

Oh what a mensch, you're a genius!

Let's buy you a drink, come on.

Well, it's your lucky day, Miss Sparkle,

'cause we have X-rayed you from head to toe,

and you don't have so much as a cracked molar.

So, you are good to go.

Um, vaccination, okay.

Not currently on any medication.

By the way, I just want to say, my my wife is a huge fan.

Um...

Blood type...

Oh hey, it's your birthday!

Happy bir...

Oh, uh, that's an emergency, I'm sorry, I have to...

Have a good...

Bye.

One moment.

There's just one last exam to perform.

I thought he said I was good to go.

-Is there a problem? -No, it's perfect.

You're a good candidate.

I mean, you're good to go.

I wish you the best.

Lizzie?

Lizzie Sparkle?

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

Fred!

Fred, from 10th grade home room!

Oh…

Fred, of course!

You haven't changed a bit.

You're still the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.

You know, I followed your career. What a success! I mean...

Wow, wow, wow!

-Wow. -Hey...

Why don't we go out maybe for a drink some time?

Now that we're, you know, "reconnected".

Um...

Oh, of course, - I'm...

-I'm stupid, you're super busy. -But you know what?

Why don't you give me your card?

I mean, you never know.

-Um... -Here...

This will do.

Don't look at my cholesterol levels, they're a disaster.

-Oh, God! -Oh, that's...

There.

Now, you've got it!

Call me.

[SYNTH BEAT; SOFT, UNEASY VIOLIN MUSIC]

Have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself?

Younger.

More beautiful.

More perfect.

One single injection unlocks your DNA…

Starting a new cellular division that will release another version of yourself.

This is...

The Substance.

You are the matrix.

Everything comes from you.

And everything is you.

This is simply a better version of yourself.

You just have to share.

One week for one.

And one week for the other.

A perfect balance of seven days each.

The one and only thing not to forget.

You are one.

You can't escape from yourself.

♪ You slip through my fingers ♪

♪ And you drop to the ground ♪

♪ You fade away ♪

♪ Fade away ♪

Here, Elisabeth... Elisabeth, we love you!

We love you...

Yes?

Hello.

I'd like…

To order.

Address?

1057 Beverly Canyon.

Write this down, 35 North Byron Alley.

35 North...

You are the matrix.

Everything comes from you.

And everything is you.

This is simply…

A better version of yourself.

Hello.

-Thanks. -We'll let you know by next week.

Thank you so much. I'm just dying to get the part.

Great dancer.

Too bad her boobs aren't in the middle of her face instead of that nose.

Mm-hmm.

Next!

Looks like everything sure is in the right place this time.

Please say your name, age, measurements.

I'm...

Sue.

I'm Sue.

Sue. Sue. Sue.

Sue. Sue. Sue.

Where is she?

Where is she?

What a gorgeous…

little angel!

You're hired.

We want a show…

That's just like you.

Beautiful and happy.

People want to be happy.

We air in two weeks, so let's get to work.

I'm gonna let you organize the rest with my assistant...

Um...

Um...

Isabella.

Isa, Isa, Isa who has time to say that?

We're gonna make you Cindy.

-It's shorter. -It's better.

So, I'm gonna let you organise everything else with Cindy.

Oh... Um…

Before you go, I just have to mention a…

Small scheduling issue.

I have to be…

Out of town every other week.

To take care of my mother.

Who's very sick.

I want you for this show.

And we will work around any mother, brother…

Fucking sick puppy you need to take care of.

Mm?

Gorgeous, with a pure heart.

People are gonna love that.

Perfect.

So you jump out.

Touch your elbows.

Head down.

Contract.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Elbows.

Oh!

There she is!

Oh.

Where have you been?

We've all been wanting to have a drink with you for your departure.

Anyway

we all chipped in…

And we got you just a little something.

To keep you busy.

It's French.

My wife, she swears by it. Oh, I love my wife.

Oops, I gotta run.

But it's always great to see you.

And we're ba...

Which is the most valuable seafood?

...are ex pen sing stock options. Most of the nation.

Bob and Judy, are you ready?

...know what you'll be toting around for the rest of your days?

...the field, kids on the f...

The antelope and the deer moving about.

A hunt through the…

Only at the Worldwide Shopping channel we have a beautiful,

beautiful straight outta Africa…

$8.99, 99.

In less than a minute we have it here today…

99, 99. I can't believe this price…

98, with remote.

I cannot believe the incredible price.

For $49.98, shoppers.

Look at the quality of this thing. This thing is sturdy.

Beautiful.

Listen to your music at home, shoppers.

$49.98, I'll take one myself.

Put it right there, hold that one for me, that one's mine.

How can you ever...

God damn it, lady, come on!

I haven't slept in three nights!

Open up! God damn it!

Are you gonna open...

Um...

Sorry.

I thought that Ms. Sparkle...

She moved out. I'm the new tenant.

Sue.

Oler...

Oler...

Oliker.

You wanted to complain about something?

Oliver?

What?

No.

No, no, no…

I think it's awesome when there's stuff going on in the building.

You know what I mean?

Um…

I'm actually

quite handy.

If you ever need…

Need me to be of aid in any way.

I got a sack of tools, and…

I got a big hammer.

You know what I mean.

Anyways, I live right here.

So you know where to find me.

Anytime.

Day or night.

Later.

Hi everybody.

I'm Sue.

And it's time to pump it up!

Are you ready?

Let's go.

♪ It's not so long ago

♪ That the sound hit the nation

♪ Every Saturday night ♪ On your favourite radio

♪ Can you feel it?

♪ Don't you know?

♪ Don't you know?

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪ Don't you know?

♪ Don't you know?

♪ You've got to pump it up

♪ Pump it up!

♪ Pump it up!

♪ Pump it up!

♪ Pump it up!

♪ Pump it up!

Thank you so much, everybody.

I'll see you next week.

Oh...

And in the meantime…

Take care of yourself.

Where is she?

There she is!

Wonderful, wonderful.

That's what I'm talking about!

I won't be out late, so just wait for me.

Don't eat too fast.

Let's go!

Are you alright?

Yes, I'll be right back.

Are you alright?

What did you do?

You seem even more beautiful than before.

Yes?

Yes, hi.

This is Elisabeth Sparkle.

I'm 503.

Yes.

Yes, hi.

There's been a slight misuse of the Substance.

A few extra hours were accidentally…

Used.

Causing um…

An alteration.

So I'm just looking for the procedure to reverse it.

What has been used on one side is lost on the other side.

There's no going back.

No... um…

I don't know what she was thinking.

And obviously she was drunk.

Remember, there is no "she" and "you".

You are one.

Respect the balance.

And you won't have any more inconveniences.

♪ Don't you know? ♪

♪ Don't you know? ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

♪ Don't you know? ♪

♪ Don't you know? ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

Sue!

Sue?

I just saw you on TV.

Holy moly!

Makes me wanna join your class.

You don't give private lessons, do you?

Hey, um...

What about a drink at my place tonight?

Come on, don't be shy.

I see you standing behind the door there, gorgeous.

Alright.

Take your time.

But it's a date.

♪ You know, pump it up ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

♪ You know, pump it up ♪

♪ You've got to pump it up ♪

What can I get you?

Mocha latte.

It's long, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Seven days.

Did you follow me here?

I was just curious…

To find out how things were going for you.

Each time, you feel a little more…

lonely.

Don't you think?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

It gets harder each time…

To remember that you…

Still deserve to exist!

That this part of yourself is still worth something, that you…

Still matter!

Has she started yet?

Eating away at you?

Fuck!

Watch out!

What?

Hey!

Move!

You're still the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.

Hello?

Hi, Fred.

It's Lizzie.

Hello?

Sorry, I'm in shock.

-Oh. -Wow, wow, wow!

I thought I'd never hear from you again after...

Oh gosh, no, not at all.

I've just, I've just I've just been really busy lately.

So listen…

I was thinking that…

Maybe we could get together and grab a drink?

Are you still there?

Sorry, I'm in shock again.

Um I could book Luigi's at 8?

Eight at Luigi's it is.

I…

I will see you tonight.

-Bye. -Okay. Bye.

And we're back! And welcome back to.

Bob and Judy, are you ready?

Hi everybody!

Okay, here we go everyone, clear the set, please.

First positions, thank you.

Roll cameras.

And in...

Three, two…

One...

And squat, squat, squat.

Circle those hips.

Circle those hips.

Contract, contract, contract.

Contract, contract, contract.

Head between your legs!

Cut!

Um I'm sorry, I thought I…

I thought I…

I just got distracted.

Not a problem, let's get right back to it.

Back to one, please.

Sorry, it's the control room now.

The director said he saw something bizarre on the monitor.

Bring up the replay on camera 2.

Camera 2!

Forward.

Can I have my dressing gown?

-Sorry, it's in your dressing room. -Well then, go and get it!

Let's just take this frame by frame.

I need five minutes.

-Yes? -This balance is not working!

I barely have any time to enjoy myself,

while she wastes seven days, stuffing her face in front of the TV!

Remember, there is no "she" and "you".

You are...

Hello everybody...

What's happening? Where is everybody?

The taping's been cancelled.

What? Why?

Sue.

Harvey wants to see you in his office immediately.

Okay.

I'll go change...

No, he said "Now".

I'll get right to the point.

We can't keep you on the morning show.

But why? I just started.

Ratings are through the roof.

We started at 42.

Now we're up to, like…

216.

It's phenomenal!

People love you!

They adore you!

They want more and more…

And more of you.

That is why we have decided…

That we want you to host…

The New Year's Eve show.

You mean the...

The network's biggest show. Fifty million viewers.

Live.

You can't go higher than that!

Now, it's gonna be intense.

We only have a few months to pull it off, so...

Are you in?

If you don't open the door when opportunity knocks you won't get another chance.

You of all people know this.

Just one more day, and then I have a whole week off we can switch.

We're doing the cover of Vogue!

Just one more day, okay?

No!

Yes?

She didn't respect the balance!

She's stealing more and more time from me.

Completely without consideration to the consequences.

She's a selfish bitch!

Would you like to stop?

Stop?

You are the matrix.

If you are not satisfied, you can put an end to the

experience and go back to being just you, on your own.

Would you like to stop?

Will it go back to the way it was before?

What has been transferred won't come back.

But you can stop the experience as of now.

Would you like to stop?

To go back to being just you, on your own?

No.

No, no, no

I can't stop.

She...

I...

The balance just needs to be respected.

So respect it.

Just stop it. Stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Bob, you are the winner!

So Bob, congratulations, you've won $25,000.

Now you have one final chance to answer a single question…

In our big question round and play for $250,000!

Now, you'll have just 45 seconds...

Just a little something to keep you busy.

Fuck...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is here.

The superstar of the moment, Sue!

Are you ready? Let's welcome her!

Sue!

You popped up out of nowhere on our screens like a tornado!

I don't think anybody was really prepared for this whirlwind.

It all started with the morning show.

And rumour has it, that you are up for Tom Grant's next movie.

Ah, wait just a moment.

I'm being told you are going to host the New Year's Eve show, can you confirm this?

Yes, that's right.

Yes, that's right.

Oh my God! That is huge news!

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Where are you from, how did you get discovered?

I want, we want to know everything.

Well, I mean…

There's really not very much to tell.

I'm just a girl from a very small town in Indiana.

I'm sure that you've never heard of it.

In fact, it's not even a town.

I'm not sure you could really even call it a village. It's…

A farm, perhaps?

But, ever since I can remember, it has always been my dream to be on the screen.

This is my dream.

As a child I used to put on shows for my family.

Your family.

How sweet.

So.

Everyone is aware that you replaced…

Elisabeth Sparkle.

And no doubt about it, you stepped in,

you turned up the volume, and you rocked their world.

Were you a fan of her show?

Um...

Well...

Well, I can't…

I can't really say that I actually watched her show.

You do know that we're not exactly from the same generation.

And you have to admit it was a bit old-fashioned.

Jurassic Fitness, really.

Jurassic Fitness?

It needed a change.

I'll fucking show you.

You wanna see some Jurassic Fitness?

You want it?

Come on, come get your fucking Jurassic Fitness!

But my mother was a huge fan of hers.

So every morning…

Rain or shine…

Sparkle Your Life was on TV.

So, in a way, I grew up with her.

Whether I liked it or not.

I guess that's why you can say we have some sort of connection.

"Some sort of connection."

You wouldn't exist without me.

It is time, ladies and gentlemen, for our final question.

The question that we ask each and every one of our guests.

Okay.

Would you share one of your little beauty secrets with us?

Just one little trick of yours that helps you

look so incredibly stunning, I mean, look at you.

-I don't know... -Say it!

Say it!

-Let me think. -Say it.

Tell them who your little beauty secret is.

I guess...

Why don't we just show them right here?

Here's your little beauty secret.

I guess I just try to be myself.

To be sincere and grateful for all that I have.

And to always remember to lead with my heart.

Aw, America's sweetheart.

I just…

I try to be myself.

Stop it!

Stop it.

You're taking it from me.

That's your little secret.

Stop it!

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

You have to control yourself!

I can't go back inside her.

Gross, old, fat…

Disgusting!

Coming to bed?

Yes.

I'll be right there.

Fuck.

-Yes? -Hi!

Hi, this is an emergency.

There's no more stabilizer fluid.

Hello?

It's fucking 503.

Yes.

I'm telling you, this is urgent. There's no more stabilizer fluid.

It means you've reached the end.

What do you mean, the end?

You've drained it all out.

If you want more, you must let the fluid regenerate.

Tell me how to do it, I need to stabilize myself right now.

You simply have to switch.

Excuse me?

The switch reboots the fluid secretion process

so you can continue to enjoy the experience.

No, no, no.

I can't switch, I can't.

Especially not now.

There is no other option.

Sue?

Babe?

Sue?

You alright?

Stressed out about tomorrow?

Babe?

Babe.

Sue? Is something wrong?

You a little cranky because of your lady business?

Sue, open the door.

Come on, Sue.

It's not funny, I need to take a piss.

Sue, open the door.

Open the door, Sue. Come on.

Babe.

Open the door.

Sue...

Open the door!

Get out!

What the fuck?

Get the fuck out!

Who's this? Who the fuck is this?

And leave me alone!

What the fuck!

Yes?

I...

It's 503…

And I want to stop.

Are you sure?

Once you stop, you can't go back.

I wanna stop!

I wanna fucking stop.

I wanna stop!

We'll deliver.

Sue? I...

Fuck off!

Are you sure?

Once you stop, you can't go back.

You will simply remain on your own.

Just on your own.

Just on your own.

On your own...

Shut the fuck up!

On your...

Elisabeth!

We love you!

Over here!

We love you!

I can't.

I can't.

I can't do this.

I need you.

Cause I hate myself.

You gotta... you gotta get ready…

It's our big, it's our big night.

Come on, they're gonna love you so much.

Come on.

Come on.

One, two you're the only lovable part of me, you have to come back.

You have to come back!

Come back...

Come on.

Come on.

Come on!

[SOFT, UNEASY VIOLIN MUSIC; SYNTH BEAT]

Got an hour and a half for makeup. Hair...

And then we gotta get you to the fitting room, into your dress.

After that we have one final test on stage for lighting and sound.

We have a bit of downtime before the show starts.

-You got it? -Okay, let's go. -Come on.

The dress.

Wonderful!

Perfect!

And here you go...

Good.

Can we get the dance light?

I'm gonna be right back, sorry.

Sue, they need to see you on stage to set the lights.

Huh?

Have you ever dreamt…

Of a better version of yourself?

More beautiful…

More perfect...

Sue?

Yes, let me meet you there.

Okay, so I'll wait for you on stage.

Oh! Sue!

Sue?

Let me introduce you to the shareholders.

They have been dying to meet you.

Is everything…

Okay?

So, smile!

It's what we want tonight!

Pretty girls should always smile.

Girls, come on.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, we gotta go.

Tiffany, Cindy, Ashley.

Go, go, go!

Feathers! Feathers! Feathers!

Hey, ready for tonight?

I need a better version of myself.

Please give me a better version of myself, please.

Please!

Come on!

Looks like everything sure is in the right place this time.

Please say your name, age, measurements.

I'm…

I'm...

Pretty girls should always smile.

At last, we were starting to worry. Hurry up, you're up in five.

There she is, so beautiful.

We love you!

This is where you belong, and you'll always belong here.

-We can't do it without you. -We could never do it without you.

You're irreplaceable.

Girls, come on, let's go. What are we waiting for?

Alright, come on, everybody.

Let's go, let's go.

You will not be disappointed.

She's my most beautiful creation.

I have shaped her for success.

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

I'm so happy to be with you tonight.

I've missed you all so much!

The monster!

Shoot the monster!

It's a freak!

No!

Shoot the monster!

Don't be scared!

Monster!

It's still me!

It's me!

I'm Elisabeth! I'm Sue!

Freak!

You freak!

Monster!

Freak!

Monster!

It's me!

Just me.

Too bad her boobs aren't in the middle of her face instead of that nose.

Mm-hmm.

Next!

Pretty girls should always smile.

At 50 it stops.

So beautiful!

We love you!

You're irreplaceable!