Original subtitles

- Oh, that's him.

[grunts]

Hey, guys.

So, last week, we exposed the toxic-wasteland

hypocrisy that is Big Pharma.

If you thought that was something,

wait till you see what we have in store for you this week

on "Gotcha."

Let's do it.

[running footsteps]

Oh, you know this guy's messed up.

What a freak.

As far as he's concerned, this is just a student film,

and we're just two religious guys

who are going to have a nice conversation about faith.

He has no idea what's about to hit him.

[distant animal howling]

All right, here we go.

[distant animal screeching]

[dog howling]

Who's there?

- Hello. - [gasps]

- Sorry.

You startled me.

- You're right to be on your toes, my son.

Evil doth emerge from the darkness from time to time.

Let's have a look, shall we?

The Bible says that evil hates the light

and will not come into the light for fear

its deeds be exposed.

You must be Jeremy.

- Yeah.

We emailed.

- Yes, we did.

I'm Father Tom Durkin.

I've been expecting you.

[chuckles]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- All right. Okay.

Father Tom, we're ready for the conversation whenever you are.

Father Tom?

Father Tom?

- [breathing heavily]

- What is he doing in there?

I bet he's whacking off.

- Get out!

Close the door! Close it!

[breathing heavily]

Wait!

Come back.

I can explain.

There's demons everywhere, Jeremy.

We constantly have to exorcise them.

That's all I was doing.

- Okay.

- I'm going to need a few minutes to finish before we

start our conversation.

So, be a--be a good boy, go upstairs.

[breathing heavily]

Would you like something to drink, my son?

- Water's fine.

- Just water? That's all?

- Yep.

Thanks.

- Very pious and devout of you, but, you know, I can always

change this water

into wine.

I'm serious, Jeremy.

You can technically have a drink.

It's not a sin.

Or is it?

- I believe the Bible says, and lead us not into temptation.

- But deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Oh, good boy.

That's a real good boy, Jeremy.

Hey, you mind if I, uh, throw on a little music?

- Actually, I'd really love to keep the audio--

["Hallelujah" playing loudly] - ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah

- I'm sorry. I actually don't know how to work this!

I don't spend much time here!

The church uses this house... [music stops]

For other things.

But we can talk about that later.

I did notice you're a little bit jumpy tonight, though, Jer.

Anything--anything bothering you?

- Yeah, that was just really loud, so...

- Do ye not have faith that the Lord thy God will protect

you from the forces of evil?

- I do. I just think--

- Oh, that was a joke.

An awkward man-of-the-cloth joke.

I'm just not used to hanging out with normal people,

especially not handsome, charming, talented, normal

people like you.

I mean, can you imagine getting an email out of the blue,

asking if I would like to participate in a filmed

conversation along the lines

of "God's Not Dead" and "My Dinner with Andre"?

I mean, I about nearly soiled my cassock.

Two of my favorite films of all time.

Jeremy, Jeremy, is there anything better

than watching two men debate their principles

for 120 minutes in "God's Not Dead,"

when Kevin Sorbo finally admits that he hates God?

How can you hate something that you don't believe in, right?

It's the ultimate gotcha moment!

Am I right?

- Yeah, great film.

Anyway, I would really love to get going with this interview.

- Yeah, I bet you would.

- Yeah, so maybe...

- Yeah, sure. - Have a seat.

[clears throat] Um, so--

- No, nope, no, no, no, no. This is stilted.

Nope, this is--it feels forced, and it feels stagy.

And if there is one thing those two films are not,

it is forced and stagy.

This should feel like a natural conversation, you know?

The couch.

Yes!

Two friends on the couch.

Buddies on the couch. Buddies on the couch.

Get over here, Jeremy.

Come on. Get over here.

It'll take you longer to get here than it took

Jesus to rise from the dead.

Come on. Boot scootin' boogie.

Oh, good Lord, I don't bite.

Get that tushy over here.

Okay.

- Okay--

- Now, before we begin, I do have one question for you.

- What?

- What was your first impression of me?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, as a man of the cloth, am I a comfort to you,

or is it odd for you to--to sit next to someone who gave up

all the pleasures of the flesh so he

could be married to an invisible

man living in the sky?

- Well-- - You know what I think?

- What?

- I think people are scared of me.

That's what I think.

I think they see a man who believes in heaven,

that he'll live forever, and they

know that man is 100% free.

That man is capable of doing anything

at any time.

And I think that scares the bejesus out of people.

- I don't know. [both screaming]

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry. I repent. I repent.

I owe you 10 Hail Mary's, 20 Our Fathers.

It's just--when you've been good all the time,

you get up to a little bit of the devil's business.

I'm really sorry.

I did not mean to make you uncomfortable.

Let's start over.

- I'm not uncomfortable.

What I am...

is angry.

- Oh, I can see that. - Yeah.

- I'm angry.

And I carry the anger of centuries and centuries

of unfortunate souls who've been wronged

by men of the cloth like you!

Jeremy, I didn't realize.

- For too long, your "church"...

has hidden behind "expensive PR companies."

You've bought off endless politicians

and businessmen!

But tonight you, Father Tom Durkin,

will answer...

for the sins of your church,

your God, your religion

right here...

on "Gotcha"!

[sighs]

So what do you have to say for yourself now, Father Tom?

Oh, yeah, nailed his holy ass!

That's right, Durkin.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Sorry about that.

I'm not done with you yet.

[loud banging] - Demon, I'm a demon!

Angel, I'm an angel.

- Maybe I'll let him off the hook here.

He's probably had enough.

- Jeremy, you little devil.

You've been tricking me. You're not a pious little boy.

You're a heathen who doesn't believe in God at all.

And you know what I say to that, Jeremy?

Praise Jesus!

You're a genius.

I can't believe I didn't think of this myself.

I mean, look, the world doesn't need to see us men of the cloth

as these pious sissies who deny the pleasures of the flesh.

No, they need to know we're sinners.

We're sinners, just like everybody else.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I call this drink Mommy Loves Her Juice.

We used to call it Devil's Jizz,

but every time I drink it, I ended up screaming,

Mommy loves her juice!

So my boys renamed it for me.

Mmm!

Tastes like shit, but it'll get you there quick, bro.

- I'm leaving. [music playing from device]

- Hold on. Listen to this guitar solo.

I'm leaving. - Wait.

Why?

- I said, I'm leaving.

- What's going on?

- Because it's a waste of my time.

You're obviously not a real priest.

You're just some asshole looking for attention.

- That is not true. I am, too, a real priest.

- Yeah, yeah, smoking doobies and drinking jungle juice.

Real man of the cloth.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Ah!

Ow!

- I'm very sorry about that.

- It burns!

- Well, that's the Everclear. - Jesus Christ!

- He's not coming for you, Jeremy.

- Why'd you do that?

- Because you need to wake the fuck up!

You and I have been handed a golden opportunity tonight,

and you are too blind to see it.

Your subscribers are waning, Jeremy.

You need a hit episode.

That's right.

I know all about "Gotcha" and that fake persona you put on.

But it's okay.

I'm actually a very huge fan. Love the show.

But the truth is, you're past your creative prime.

The new blood, they're beating you

at your own game, man, okay?

And you need a big fish.

You need a big fish like me.

And it's okay. Look, I need someone like you.

I really do.

It's been forever since I've had a chance to convert

the truly unconvertible.

So let's stick together tonight.

Let's scratch each other's backs.

I'll give you the greatest episode of "Gotcha"

you've ever seen.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!

Wait, I'll sweeten the pot, I'll sweeten the pot.

How about I show you something that no one outside

of the church has ever seen?

The ultimate gotcha.

Do you know the parable of the footprints?

A man looks back on his life, and he sees two sets

of footprints in the sand, one belonging to himself

and one belonging to the Lord Jesus Christ.

But he notices, at his hardest moments,

there's only one set of footprints.

So, he's like, hey, Jesus, what's up with that?

Where were You when I needed you most?

To which Jesus replies...

it was then that I carried you.

Oh, chills. Chills every time, am I right?

All right, come on, let's kneel.

Come, come, come on.

Come on, hurry up. Hurry up, Jer.

Now, I need you to understand something.

When this gets out, people's perceptions

of the Catholic Church are going to change forever.

This is a huge responsibility.

Do you understand me, Jeremy? - Yeah.

- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's--that's not for you.

Some things need to be private.

Okay, now, you just watch.

- [speaking Spanish]

- They're speaking Spanish.

- [speaking Spanish]

- That's Spanish for Jesus Christ.

- [speaking Spanish]

[growling]

- Okay, now I want to show you something.

It's time for your big gotcha moment.

- I don't get it.

- That's right.

That was me.

I was 16 years old on a high-school exchange program

to Guatemala.

I had my whole life ahead of me.

I already knew I had the darkness in me,

but I hadn't yet learned

how to properly exorcise out the demons,

like I do now on my Alpine X 2200 calorie buster out there.

Instead, I buried them inside of me,

and that is not a good idea, Jeremy.

They're too strong.

And one day, I just cracked.

They took over.

I don't even remember what happened.

By the time I came to consciousness,

there was a dead priest at my feet.

I buried him in the yard behind that shed with my bare hands.

And that day I took an oath.

I, too, would become a priest.

I would walk the very footsteps that he could no longer walk.

And in this way, I would honor the memory of Father Dom Girkin

by becoming...

Father Tom Durkin.

Tell me, Jeremy.

Are you a believer now?

- Yeah, I believe you.

And I believe in God.

- No, no, you don't. - Yeah, I do.

- You don't. - All of it, I do.

- You're lying to me, Jeremy. You're lying.

- I think this is a good place to wrap up.

- I can see you've become afraid, and I understand.

Look, you'll tell me whatever I want to hear

just so you can run right out that door.

But, Jeremy, let me tell you something.

You are not leaving here tonight, not like this.

Uh-oh, now you're thinking, am I faster than him?

Could I beat him to that door?

But maybe you're forgetting who owns this place.

It's the church.

You're forgetting what happens here.

Oh, no, Is this one of those places

where they lock you inside?

So why don't you just surrender, Jeremy?

Aren't you tired?

All the posturing and the lying.

You're so much more than "Gotcha."

You can be born anew.

You can start over.

Just let me help you, my son.

[gurgling water]

You a tub guy or a shower guy, Jer?

My money, nothing beats a good soak.

You know what my mom called it?

Tubby time.

Yeah, it's always my favorite part of the day,

you know, just a place to get clean and get new,

like a baptism, really.

So, yeah, when you're ready, just hop on in there,

and we'll hold your head under as long

as we need to get you clean.

Oh, look at that, tootsie.

It's a tiny, little tootsie. [laughs]

You never know, Jer, just never know.

Look, I do want to apologize.

Earlier, that whole joke about the doors being locked,

really just my awkward bit--

Ow! - Gotcha!

Gimme my camera! - Nice one, Jer!

You got me.

- Let me go! - [laughs]

[panting, scuffling]

Jesus Christ, you are fast!

- Jesus!

[panting]

[bang] - [laughs]

Well, looks like there's only one way out of here, Jeremy.

You're going to have to run me over.

Question is, do you have it in you?

Are you an angel?

Or are you a devil?

There he goes.

[engine sputtering] - Come on! [groans]

- Uh-oh. - Come on!

- Looking for this?

- No, no, no!

- [laughing evilly]

[pounding on window] - Aah!

No.

[banging]

Leave me alone!

[knocking]

Stop! Stop!

Please stop!

- [laughs evilly] - No, get--

- [screaming]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[thwacking]

[choking, gurgling]

- Gotcha good, Jer.

[grunts]

Heavy.

Hey, it was then that I carried you.

Oh, chills, every time.

[eerie music]

♪