Original subtitles

Oh. Here, lads, if yous could bang any Disney princess,

who would it be?

Mulan for me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice one.

I'd go for...

..Cinderella, I think.

Yeah. Her feet are banging.

Course, yeah. Mm.

What about you, Stewart? Er...

Ee. Maybe I'd go for...

..Sleeping Beauty?

Ugh. Fucking hell, mate. That's a bit perverted, like.

What do you mean?

That's, like, necrophilia or summat.

Oh.

What are you lads doing tonight, then?

I'm off to Darlo. Oh, aye? Why are you going Darlo?

I'm going to see my brother in a show. He's a drag queen.

Mint. Yeah.

He's doing Pride next week and all.

What's his drag name? Pam Hock.

Ha! It's class, that, like.

Yeah.

I've done a bit of drag.

Oh, aye, mate? Sound.

In fact, I'm...

In fact, I'm actually gay.

Oh, right.

Nice one.

Why didn't you just tell us, mate?

I don't really know.

So I guess the real question is,

what Disney PRINCE would you bang?

King Triton.

Er, technically, he's not a prince.

And he's also a fish.

But we'll let you have it. STEWART CHUCKLES QUIETLY

Right.

# When I grow up I'ma be a supermodel. #

DICKIE: Employees of T.R.I.S.H,

I know yous are all buzzing for Middlesbrough Pride next week,

so keep that energy going for Dickie!

CLUB TRANCE MUSIC POUNDS

MUSIC STOPS

Welcome, everyone, to the first-ever LGBTQ+ network meeting.

Thank you for being here today.

Didn't really have a choice.

Quiet, please, Trev.

Now, for years us gays have had all sorts of insults thrown at us.

Sissy, fairy, penis gobbler.

The list is endless.

Go on, Gary, throw a gay slur at me.

I really don't want to.

All right, Gary. This is a safe space.

Honestly, I mean, I don't think I even know any.

Come on, everyone.

Let's encourage Gary to throw a homophobic slur at me.

CHANTING: Gay slur, gay slur...

OTHERS, RELUCTANTLY: ..gay slur, gay slur, gay slur...

Haway, Gary! ..gay slur, gay slur...

I really don't want to. LOUDER: ..gay slur, gay slur...

What are you scared of, Gary?

Gay slur! Gay slur! I'd really rather not.

Gay slur! Gay slur! Gay slur!

Gay slur! Gay slur! Gay slur! Verbally abuse me, Gary!

Gay slur! Gay slur! Gay slur!

Big fruity fudgepacker!

You see, everyone?

Gary's homophobic views are one of the many reasons

I've set up this network.

Shame on you, Gary.

UPBEAT ELECTRO MUSIC

Hello, North-East's Got Talent contestants,

and congratulations on being the lucky few

to make it through to the judges' houses.

I think we're ready to start.

Right. Let's see who the biggest shower of shite is today.

Mel and Sal.

Oh, yes, I remember these two.

Slug and fucking sluggier.

Hello, ladies. And what will you be doing for us today?

It's the song I did from the first audition.

Oh, yes, I remember that. How could I possibly forget?

Well, off you go.

# Behind picket fences... #

I've got to get the washing out of the machine.

# On cul-de-sac roads... #

Keep going, keep going. I can multitask.

# That dampened your spirit

# For why, you just didn't know

# And you wore your wife's clothing

# While she was at church... #

Oh, fucking hell. My fucking favourite shirt has shrunk.

SAL CONTINUES SINGING Oh. Why me?

I was going to wear this to go out tonight.

You shouldn't have washed your clothes on such a high heat, Victor.

# A-a-a-ah... #

Right, that's it.

# You're not... #

Get out!

Actually, you can all get out.

Go on, you two as well. Get out. Out!

Come on. It's over. Come on.

You lot! Come on, out you get!

Come here, you. Out, out, out, out!

D'you know, thanks for helping me organise Pride, chicks.

I didn't realise I'd have so much to do.

Aww, you're welcome, Mam.

What is it exactly that you're doing to help out, Dickie?

I'm, uh, I'm writing the guest list for the VIP area.

Oh. Let's have a look, then.

THEY CHUCKLE

There's only your name on there so far, Dickie.

No. My name with a plus one.

Oh, who's your plus one? Are you seeing someone?

Not yet, but I've got a good feeling I will be by next week.

Oh, how was work, Stewart?

Really good, actually.

I came out to my workmates.

Oh, that's amazing, hon. Congratulations, chick.

How did they take it, Stewart?

Surprisingly well.

It's like a massive weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

Oh, brilliant. You know something?

I think I might come out to my grandma and all.

Oh, I'm made up for you, hon.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh.

Is Neil coming to pride, Lucinda?

He is, hon, and he's bringing a couple of friends.

How's it going with you two?

Not bad, you know. At first, I thought it was a bit of a red flag,

how he's so weirdly passive and completely socially unaware, but...

..now I'm starting to warm to it.

Hey, what do yous think?

Sal!

How was your audition?

Well, not great, to tell you the truth, Stew.

I think it's safe to say I haven't won.

Oh, chick.

These things are sent to try us.

Thanks, Mam.

What about this one?

Er... Have you got a lot planned for Pride this year, Mam?

I have, you know.

Plus, this year...

..I'm compering the main stage!

Ooh! Mmm!

And you're never going to believe this -

I've managed to pull a few strings and get...

..No Girls Aloud to headline!

ALL: What?!

Girls Aloud?!

You're joking, aren't you?!

THEY TALK EXCITEDLY

No! No, no, no.

Not Girls Aloud, no.

No Girls Aloud, the Girls Aloud drag group.

Oh. Ah. I'm very disappointed.

They better do The Promise.

Oh, they will. I've made sure.

I can't believe Pride is only next week.

I'm proper buzzin'!

Oh, it's going to be the best friggin' day ever!

THEY CHEER

BANG! STEWART SHRIEKS

Oh, fucking hell, Sal!

Silly arsehole.

# I feel it way down in my soul... #

Now, Lucinda, you're on ice-cream duty.

The van's fully stocked.

All you have to do is sell the freezing-cold little bastards.

No problem, Mam.

Sal, I need you on face-painting duty.

That's your tent. There's a price list pinned up.

If anyone asks for a butterfly,

charge a couple of quid more or try and put 'em off.

Fucking hate butterflies. Aye-aye, captain.

Oh, and Stewart, I want you to make sure my mouth has a constant flow

of lubrication throughout the day, please, chick.

No probs, Mam. What's your poison today?

White wine spritzer, so as I don't get dehydrated.

Coming right up.

Don't worry, Mam, I've got the VIP area covered.

Thank you.

Oh, hiya, Neil. You all right? Aye, I'm not bad, cheers.

# It's Neil, it's Neil! He's got no sex appeal!

# It's fucking Neil! It's fucking Neil! #

Wahey!

Hey, come on! Lucinda, these are me mates, Trev and Wayne.

Hello, love.

I thought you said she was fit.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm only messin' on.

Wouldn't hurt you to have a laugh, sweetheart.

Do you know what?

Go fuck yourselves.

BOTH: Ooh!

Haway. Come on, you. Let's explore.

There's loads of desperate lasses at these gay events.

CHATTER CONTINUES

Get in there!

Look, Harrison.

It's your desperate ex-boyfriend again.

For fuck's sake. Are you stalking us or something?

Sorry, this is VIP only.

HARRISON SCOFFS

What of it? Well, yous are not VIP, I'm afraid.

Your names aren't on my list.

I'm a fucking star, sweetheart.

I'm always on the list.

THEY SCOFF

Oh, my God!

He's got his own name at the top with a plus one!

Who's the imaginary plus one, Dickie?

Well, I haven't met him yet, but I've got high hopes for today.

Whatever you say.

Haway, babe, let's go get another drink.

The VIP looks wank anyway.

Oh, enjoy your sad little party for one.

Yeah? Well, you enjoy your... sad little p-party for one!

UPBEAT MUSIC

OK, I think you're about done.

What do you think?

What the hell is that?

It's what you asked for - Wi-Fi.

I said tie-dye!

Yeah. I did think it was weird that you'd asked for it.

I don't suppose you could do me a tiger.

Hiya, Mel, babe.

I thought you could use some refreshment. Oh, nice one.

Cheers. Excuse me, what's your Wi-Fi password?

Ugh.

Sorry, Stewart.

I just need to check you off the guest list.

Name?

Stewart.

Oh...

That's weird. What's wrong?

Name doesn't seem to be anywhere on here.

But...you wrote it.

Don't really know what to say, Stewart. It's...

..not anywhere on the list, so...

Can't you just add it on?

It's already been finalised and signed off, unfortunately.

Signed off by who?

Head office.

Right.

OK. OK.

Hang on.

I think I've got a way to get you in.

Nice one. If you can help me with the guest list,

then you might be able to bypass the strict entry requirements.

I can do that. Stunnin'. Take over now if you like.

You got this, hon!

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah!

There you go. Thank you.

Thanks. Who's next?

Lucinda... Ah, nah, sorry, mate.

We're just closed for the day.

Listen, I'm sorry about my friends.

They'd had a drink already.

SHE MOUTHS

They'd had a drink already.

I swear, they're not normally like that.

You know, Neil, the lovely thing about you

is that you see the good in everyone.

The problem comes when you just seem to completely ignore any of the bad.

I realise I'm weirdly passive and completely socially unaware,

but I'm trying to work on it.

You literally just stood there with your pants down

while they talked shit about me.

I'll talk to them. I promise.

Why do I find that hard to believe?

I will. I swear.

I'm going to sit them down

and tell them that they can't talk to people like that.

I'm going to be the complete opposite of passive.

I'm going to be a dom top.

You don't need to go that far, hon.

Hello, Middlesbrough Pride!

CHEERING

Are yous all feeling proud?

CHEERING

Oh, you beautiful lot.

My name is Mam, and boy have we got a spectacular show for you today.

CHEERING And to headline,

the tribute act to trump all tribute acts...

..No Girls Aloud!

CHEERING

DANCE MUSIC STARTS

Now then, Stewart.

Ah, hiya, mate.

How's it going? Not bad, aye.

This is the gay lad from work I was telling you about.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

So...

..do yous two fancy each other, then, or what?

STEWART CHUCKLES

Oh...

So, er, you going to let us in, then?

Er, yes, of course.

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

CHUCKLING

TOILET FLUSHES

Fuck's sake!

Stewart!

Why the hell have you let Steph McGovern into the VIP area?

She's not on the list!

I couldn't say no to Steph McGovern!

Why don't you want her here?

Me and her go way back.

Used to work on the Morrisons deli counter together.

She'd always slice the ham too thin and it would break in half

when you tried to bag it up.

Anyway, she's a proper TV wanker now.

Look at her, flouncing around, thinking she owns the place.

It sounds to me like you might be a bit jealous of her success, Dickie.

Go fuck yourself, Stewart!

I mean, you know me, babe.

I just tell it like it is, don't I?

I'll be honest with you,

whereas other people are going to bullshit you.

I mean, I'm class like that, me.

Yeah, I know, babe.

I mean, that's why you should listen to me when I'm saying

you should give up all this music crap.

So what it is, yeah,

you just don't look like a star.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, babe.

You just need to start making some proper money.

I mean, I'd do it, babe, but, like...

..well, I've still got this massive rash on me leg.

Steph.

Dickie! Long time, no see.

Didn't think I'd see you round these parts again.

Thought you'd be hanging around with your new showbiz friends like...

..Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

Do you know, it's funny you mention Krish, actually,

cos after this, I'm heading to his annual foam party.

Hmm. Course you are.

Steph? Hi. Hiya. Sorry.

Er, would you mind if we got a selfie together?

Course, love. Come on.

Harrison!

How did you get into VIP?

Listen, can we have a talk?

Are you OK?

Where's Bobby?

I don't know. He's here somewhere.

He's necking on with someone because we're in an "open relationship."

Well, what do you want to talk about?

I just wanted to say that I think that you and I...

..we could, erm...

Oh. No, babes.

Here you are. Sit here.

Just chill here for a bit, yeah?

Your boyfriend's fucked. I think you should look after him.

Oh, piss off, will you? He'll be all right. He's a big lad.

He can't frigging stand up. BOBBY SIGHS

Well, there's plenty of chairs around, isn't there?

Do you know something, Bobby?

Harrison deserves so much better than you,

you egotistical little prick.

Oh, and one more thing.

I might be having a party for one,

but you're having a party for stupid knobheads.

# R-E-S-P-E-C-T

# Find out what it means to me

# R-E-S-P-E-C-T

# Take care, TCB

# Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me

# A little respect

# Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me

# Whoa, babe Just a little bit

# A little respect Just a little bit

# I get tired Just a little bit

# Keep on tryin'... #

Looking out and seeing all of your faces...

Hello?

Oh, hiya, chick.

..in Middlesborough, really, isn't it?

Tell me you're pulling me leg. I'm only joking.

Well, I'm not.

What am I going to do?

My whole reputation's at stake here.

DISCONNECT TONE

Why are you wearing black at a Pride?

It's Pride.

It should be nice. It shouldn't be dressed...

And yours. Thank you.

Next.

I've written something.

Something assertive to say to my friends.

NEIL CLEARS THROAT Lads,

you can't speak to people the way you do.

The toxic masculinity has got to stop.

You are nasty dog shits

and I think you need to reassess your whole personalities.

Fuck you, you slags.

Well, it might need a bit of work, but you're on the right lines.

I have actually written something else.

Right. NEIL CLEARS THROAT

Lucinda,

you've got a bit about you that I like

and you're proper mint, man.

And, erm...

Well, I'm not really seeing anyone else,

and I wanted to ask if you were.

Are you asking me to be exclusive, Neil?

I think so.

Well, aye, go on then.

I'm not doing much else.

You're really slow at this.

I've been here forever.

I know, babes.

Stewart, we've got to go.

Come on, you Smoggies!

Where the fuck are you going?

What's wrong, Mam? What's the emergency?

Oh, thank God you're all here.

Something horrendous has happened.

What is it?

No Girls Aloud can't make it.

Oh, you're joking.

I haven't got a headliner. THEY GASP

You know what to do.

DICKIE, LUCINDA, SAL: Yes, Mam.

I don't know what to do.

Give us that one, Mam. I want the purple.

Pass me that. What do I do?

Middlesbrough Pride!

CHEERING

No Girls Aloud have had to pull out.

BOOING But don't fear.

I've got a replacement act for you.

Would you please put your hands together

and make a lot of noise for Girls Loud And Proud!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# One, two, three, four

ALL: # Everything he does better than anything ordinary

# Everything he wants, he gets

# Cos everything he does is kind of necessary

# You're gonna make me, make me love you

# Nothing at all, nothing that I do

# The promise I made, promise I made

# Is starting to fade, starting to fade

# Here I am, walking Primrose

# Wondering when I'm gonna see you agaaain! #

# Here I am, walking Primrose

# Wondering when I'm gonna see you again

# I got my hands all ready to touch your soul

# I'm gonna get the energy to wire me close to you

# Got my eyes on the prize I see

# Are you watching me, baby?

# Cos my heart is turning to solid gold

# And my head is saying, "Honey, too good to be true"

# Just one look in your glittered eyes

# Power failing me every time

ALL: You're gonna make me, make me love you

# Nothing at all, nothing that I do

# The promise I made, the promise I made

# Is starting to fade, starting to fade, yeah! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where did you go, Stewart?

Middlesbrough Pride,

you've been absolutely bloody marvellous.

The bar's open for another hour

and then there's an after-party down at Sapphires,

so get yourself down there.

And remember, stay gay.

Goodnight!

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mam, I think I'm ready.

What for, chick? To tell my grandma I'm gay.

I'm just going to go and do it now before I chicken out.

That's bloody brilliant.

Like I always say, we're here for you if you should need us.

That was amazing, Sal.

Cheers, babe.

Oh, you so should have won that talent show.

You were bloody robbed.

I don't know.

Boro Pride,

before you all go, I've got a surprise for you.

Will you please put your hands together and show some love

for the insanely talented Sal and Mel?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on.

WHISPERS: You've got this.

CHEERING CONTINUES

# Behind picket fences

# On cul-de-sac roads

# That dampened your spirit

# For why, you just didn't know

# You wore your wife's clothing

# While she was at church

# And it made you feel normal

# When normal life hurt

# Then you came through our door... #

So embarrassing.

# You're not strange any more

# Cos some of us belong to the night

# Disco lights are here to guide you

# Some of us belong to the night

# Leave those cares far behind you

# Some of us belong to the night

# Your Rolodex flickers

# On the 31st floor

# And the sound of it echoes

# Off the white Formica walls

# And you dream of the weekend

# Tight white denim jeans

# From Rita The Eater

# The disco dancing queen

# Then you came in through our door

# You ain't strange any more

# Cos some of us belong to the night

# Disco lights are here to guide you

# Some of us belong to the night

# Leave those cares far behind you... #

You're like a turd that won't flush, aren't you, Stewart?

# Some of us belong to the night

# Leave those cares far behind you

# Some of us belong to

# The night. #

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