Original subtitles

Mm! Would you mind if I filmed your pedicure for my TikTok, Mam?

They get a proper kick out of big, hairy feet.

Knock yourself out, chick.

What is it I've got on my face, Lucinda?

Garlic mayonnaise, hon.

Oh.

Do any of yous fancy coming for dinner

at Manjaros tomorrow night? I've got a 30% off voucher.

Ooh! Absolutely. Yes, please! I'm all for that.

What about you, Stewart?

I can't.

Care to give us a reason, Stewart?

Well, it's actually my birthday tomorrow

and I usually do something with my grandma, so...

You never said it's your birthday. It's your birthday?

No idea it was your birthday, chick.

Why didn't you tell us, Stewart? What is it, Stewart? The big 4-O?

I'm going to be 23.

Hmm. Try telling your crow's feet that, hon.

Why don't you ask your grandma

if she wants to go to Manjaros with us, Stu?

It's not really her cup of tea.

Well, we've got to do something for your birthday, hon.

What are you doing during the day?

Just working half day in the morning.

You're working in that crap carpet shop on your birthday?

Yeah, but I don't mind.

I know, why don't we all come and meet you

at the carpet shop in your break?

Oh! That's a lovely idea! Yeah! That's nice!

NO!

Sorry.

I'd just prefer it if you didn't come to the shop.

My work colleagues don't know I'm gay and I'm just not ready

for them to find out.

Anyway, I'd best be off.

Sorry, but does anyone else think he's a proper little freak?

What are we going to do?

We can't just let him rot in that carpet shop on his birthday.

You're absolutely right, chick.

But don't you worry.

I've got a plan.

# Yeah

# Haters be ailing when they see me Killing on the floor

# Looks like I'm missing competition From the rest of y'all

# I know you're looking at me I know you're wanting more

# You like those apples? Well, I'm bare baby to the core. #

Now remember, we're a heterosexual nuclear family

here to visit our heterosexual nephew on his heterosexual birthday.

# When I grow up I'mma be a supermodel. #

And...go.

I'm Keith, from Keith's World of Carpets

and I'm crackers about carpets, me!

One carpet, two carpets, three carpets.

In fact, we've got thousands of carpets

and we've got a variety of all colours.

We've got grey, lighter grey, darker grey, and we've managed

to keep our prices down to rock-bottom.

But don't you dare ask me how we keep our prices so low

because it's a secret.

Sh!

OK. I think we got it. Right.

Well, shove that on the social media, Stewart, because I'm ready

to be...a viral smash.

Hey! Right, get your glasses on.

Let's see. Aye. Smile.

Yes.

Greetings, carpet lovers!

I'm Keith, from Keith's World of Carpets

and I'm crackers about carpets, me!

And may I say what a well executed family you are?

Thank you, Keith. And may I say what an honour it is to meet

such a wonderfully successful local businessman such as yourself.

Enchante.

And I'm the husband of this very real family.

Well, I am euphoric to meet you both, Mr and Mrs...

Um...

Uh... ..Plimsoll! ..Parker Bowles!

Um...

Plimsoll Parker Bowles!

And who have we here?

These are our very beautiful twin daughters, Mary Kate and Ashley.

And how old are you girls?

I'm ten. 36.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

And are you too old...

..for a lollipop? Oh, cheers, Keith.

HE SCREAMS Oh, my Christ! What's wrong, Keith?

I've just remembered how cheap my carpets are,

and I got a shock of my life!

I can't lie to you, Keith.

We're not actually here for the carpets.

We thought we'd pop in and surprise our nephew, who works here.

It's his birthday today.

I didn't know we had a staff birthday.

Who's your nephew? His name's Stewart.

Ah, well, now, you see, we've got three Stewarts

working at Keith's World of Carpets,

so you're going to have to be a bit more specific.

Well, he's a dumpy little lad.

Looks quite a lot older than his years.

Well, all the Stewarts working here are young and svelte.

You'll recognise him on account of his macho heterosexualness.

Yeah, and his big, masculine blue eyes.

Yeah. Ha! He's always ogling his auntie's boobies.

CHUCKLES God bless him.

You know, I know exactly the Stewart you mean.

I'll pop in and get him.

But before I do, do you have time to have a little gander

at our new range of carpets?

We've got a brand-new colour in.

Oh, what is it?

Ginger.

Oh! Come with me,

Mrs Plimsoll Parker Bowles, and I'll show you

what paradise looks like.

Do you think he thinks we're a real family?

Oh, he definitely believed me.

I think you were being a bit too over the top

as Daughter Two, to be honest. I thought I was Daughter One.

You were, but I gave the part to Sal,

because she's playing a bit more naturalistic.

FORKLIFT BUGGY BEEPS

Like a virgin... No.

Right, lads, if there was any celebrity lass that you had to bang,

who would it be?

It's Maya Jama all fucking day.

Yeah, mate.

Dua Lipa for me.

What about you, Stewart?

Um...it's a tough one.

It's difficult. Yeah, it's tough.

I think I'd go for...

..Lorraine Kelly.

Oi! Stewart!

ALL: Yeah?

You didn't tell me it was your birthday, you little Doyle.

How did you know? Well, there's a drag queen, a gay lad

and some very unconvincing twins here to see you.

Excuse me, Keith. Sorry.

HE SCREAMS Fucking hell!

What's the matter, Keith?

I've just remembered how cheap my carpets are.

Some good deals, to be fair. They are good deals, like.

I can't believe Stewart kicked us out of that carpet shop.

Maybe it was a bad idea, us all going along.

Well, have you bought that carpet, Mam?

You've just had freshly laid laminates.

Keith is a very persuasive man.

DOOR OPENS Stewart.

Why the hell would you turn up to my work

when I literally told yous not to?

Now all my colleagues probably suspect I'm gay

and I'm proper freaking out!

Why would they think you're gay, hon?

Loads of straight people have queer friends.

Look at me, for instance.

I'm queen of the fag hags.

Yeah, and I'm sorry, but my heterosexual acting as the dad

was so butch.

I can be really macho when I want to be.

Oh, say something macho.

Hey, I'll knock you out, you little divvy!

It's like Phil Mitchell's in the frigging room!

I've been thinking about it, Stu,

and I really don't think your workmates would care.

Most people don't give a shit what goes up your bum any more.

I just...

I'm scared of it getting back to my grandma.

Well, look...

..I promise we won't surprise you at work again.

Well, I'd just like to raise a milkshake to Stewart

on his birthday.

Happy birthday, little gaylord.

Happy birthday! Yeah, cheers, Stewart. Oh, hang on.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Stewart

# Happy birthday to you. #

Is that a salmon?

Yeah, they ran out of cakes.

Cut the salmon and make a wish, Stewart.

And get out of my seat.

What about doing something later tonight for your birthday, hon?

After you've met your grandma.

I suppose I could do something afterwards, aye.

Is there anywhere you fancy going, chick?

Actually, I did see this club night advertised.

Beefcake, I think it was called.

Oh-ho! Aye! I've frequented Beefcake many a time!

My God, I fucking love Beefcake!

I'm buzzing! I'm totally up for a club!

Ah. Well, it's a different type of club to the one

we normally go to, Lucinda, chick.

What kind of club is it?

Well, it's got sort of, um... Like, a guest list-type of venue.

Eh? What are you on about?

Well, it's got kind of strict entry policy.

You're going to have to be more specific, Mam.

Oh, fuck's sake! It's a men-only club, babe.

You're joking, aren't you?

Look, we can go out one night next week when we're all together.

Nah, I'm not having this!

How can they bar women from going? That's proper sexist!

Don't worry. We can go somewhere else. I don't mind.

No, Stewart! It's your birthday and you want to go to Beefcake,

so we're going to go to Beefcake.

Ooh! And I'm going to pull, I reckon!

You're only saying that because you want to go.

No, I'm not!

I can wear my new slutty shorts.

Sal, can you actually believe what you're hearing?

Absolutely fuming, babe.

Oh, don't be like that, Lucinda! It's just one night.

And what if it's the best night of your lives?

Well, I'm sorry, chick, but I think it'll be good for Stewart.

SHE SIGHS Fine.

But me and Sal are going to go on a night out to Flares,

and we're actually going to have the best night of our lives.

Aren't we, Sal? Oh, aye. Really excited to go out tonight

and have the best night of our lives.

Haway then, Stewart! Let's go shopping.

I'm going to buy you a new outfit.

My birthday treat. Ooh!

Ooh, I'm thinking cowboy chaps! Hey, I'm coming!

So, what are you going to wear to Flares?

We're not going to Flares, hon.

But I thought you just said... That was to throw them off the scent.

We're going to Beefcake.

LUCINDA SLURPS

Mam's got to have some suitable clothes for Beefcake somewhere.

I'm a proper little detective when I want to be, you know, hon.

I did an Alice In Wonderland escape room once.

Did you escape? Nearly.

But then I drank a bit too much at the Mad Hatter's tea party

and ended up getting off with Tweedledum.

Then he just let me out the fire exit. Urgh!

Where the hell does Mam keep her kinky clothes?

What about that trunk that says, "Mam's kinky clothes"?

Sounds about right.

What are we doing here, Mam?

I thought you said we were going shopping.

You'll see, chick.

HE LAUGHS Mam!

Oh! Roxie!

Mwah! Mwah!

When you called us, Mam,

we were literally just talking about you this morning.

We were literally just talking about you this morning.

Hiya, Dickie. Hiya.

Who have we got here?

Hiya. I'm Stewart.

Lovely to meet you, Stewart.

I'm Roxy.

This is Stan. And I'm Stan.

What can we do for you, lovely earthlings?

Well, it's Stewart's birthday today, and we're taking him

for his first night out...

..at Beefcake.

So you might need a little bit of assistance.

Happy birthday, pet.

Well, you've come to just the right place.

Oh!

I didn't know Mr Blobby was a kink.

You can find a kink in anything these days, lad.

You've got to find something you feel comfortable in, pet.

Roxy's right.

If you don't feel confident,

how are you going to get your slut on? Wise words, Stan.

Here. You should have that printed on a T-shirt.

We do.

Oh.

I don't know what half this stuff does.

SHE BURPS

What?

Look at this.

Who's that, like?

It looks like Mam might be a dad.

Why the hell wouldn't she tell us she's got a son?

SAL FARTS

I'm gutted.

I wanted to wear my leather daddy outfit, but I couldn't find it.

No idea where that's gone.

This queue's taking forever.

Oh. Er, hiya, Neil. Hiya.

What are you doing here?

Well, Lucinda mentioned you were having a lads' night out

for Stewart's birthday, so I thought I'd pop along.

Um...are you aware of the type of lads' night we're having, Neil?

I went on a lads' night with my cousin once.

I had three tequilas and I downed a pint of pale ale.

Er...

excuse me!

He's going to have to go to the back of the queue.

We can't just have people pushing in.

Oh, piss off, Gordon! Or I'll tell your wife you're here.

How did you know it was me?

I'd recognise those nipples anywhere.

Oh!

Where the bloody hell is Stewart? Here, hold that.

Do you want your birthday present now?

Aw! You didn't need to get me anything, Grandma.

But go on.

Good lad.

Oh, wow!

So many pairs.

Thanks, Grandma.

Well, I just hope they're all the right size.

Well, it does say sizes 6 to 15, so you'd hope.

Thank you.

Hey, is that that Sam Smith?

He used to be such a handsome man.

What's happened to him?

When did men stop acting like men?

I don't know, Grandma.

Promise me you'll never wear anything like that.

It's perverted!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Cheers! Cheers!

Oh! Whoo!

Ooh, hiya, chick.

Oh! Hiya, Mam.

Where have your clothes gone, Neil?

Doorman told me I had to put them in a bin bag.

Yeah, I'm...I'm not sure that was the doorman, babe.

I think I may have misunderstood your version of a lads' night,

if I'm honest. Haway, Neil, I'll give you a tour.

MAM LAUGHS

Wahey! LAUGHTER

Remember, Sal, we're big, sturdy men with big willies.

Gotcha.

You all right? Woof!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

QUIETLY: Oh, for fuck's sake.

Look, Harrison - it's Gary Lineker.

It's more like Barry Vinegar!

THEY LAUGH

What does that even mean? You silly bitch!

I'd better put my reading glasses on,

because I just read you like a whore!

Hunty, you just got savaged, OK?

Yas, queen!

THEY TRILL

Ah! Ooh! Whoo!

THEY WHOOP

WHOOPING AND TRILLING CONTINUES

SNORING WITHIN

SNORING CONTINUES

DOOR CREAKS

DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER WITHIN

Cheers, mate.

Haway, Stewart!

You lads see the game last Sunday?

I did.

I can't believe Glover let that goal in.

Yeah, I know.

Unbelievable.

Bacardi and Coke, please.

All right, Gordon? Long time, no see.

Christ's sake!

Eeh, I'm sweating my tits off in this leather daddy outfit.

Hey! Hiya, Gordon!

Damn these distinguishable nipples!

Here, I've entered us into a competition for best dressed.

There's a cash prize. Ah, sound.

We're going to win and show Mam and Dickie that we've every right

to be in this all men's club.

Pinot, please.

GRUFFLY: Oh, a...pint of it, mate.

MAM: Stewart.

Stewart!

You made it, chick.

Ooh!

Let me show you around.

Cheers, mate.

I am pigshite sick of fems infiltrating my club.

This club is meant to be for men who want men!

Mm...

It's absolutely disgusting.

Anyway, hello!

My name's Victor.

I'm the organiser of the night.

Nice to meet you. I'm...

..Leonardo, and this is my pup, DiCaprio.

Woof.

Seen they've closed that junction on the A19?

Bloody nightmare.

You having a nice time, Stewart?

I think so, aye.

I'm just...getting my bearings.

You want me to ask around, see if anyone'll suck your willy?

Nah, you're all right.

Dickie, can I ask you a question?

You're not sucking my willy, hun.

No. Not that.

Do you think people judge us,

wearing these sorts of things?

Oh, aye, course they do.

Does that not bother you?

Listen, even though I'm in my...

..mid to late twenties,

I've lived long enough to realise

that you can't give two shiny shits what people think, hun.

I've been where you are now, and...

..I know that it's terrifying to be yourself, but..

..once you finally get there,

you'll feel freedom you never thought was possible.

Thanks, Dickie.

Shit me! HE CHUCKLES

I think I've had too many of these Jagers.

I'm getting soppy as fuck.

HE LAUGHS

Paul! Oh, my God, it's Paul!

HE CACKLES

Where'd you get that from?

I'd love to wear a gorgeous, tight PVC vest.

Cover me recognisable nipples, but...

..get terrible chafage.

I hear you, babe.

Howay, Sal, we've got to get to the stage.

The competition's starting.

See you later, Gordon.

HE EXHALES QUIETLY

Here he is!

Oh, stunning, chick.

Ah, thanks, Mam.

You look sensational.

That's Tom. He says that to everyone.

Are we ready to crown the best dressed of the night?

APPLAUSE

And the winner of Best Dressed is...

..Leonardo! Yes!

Oh! Hey!

Thanks, mate. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

That's my leather daddy outfit.

What are you on about?

Hang on -

that's frigging Lucinda.

Oh, I'm going to wring her bloody neck!

I am fuming!

I searched for my leather daddy outfit for two hours.

Turns out you nabbed it, you thieving bastard.

I have no idea what you're talking about, mate.

Erm, this is a competition for best dressed men -

so get off the stage, Mrs Troutfire.

Oh! Well, guess what, Victor Starshite?

You just crowned a woman!

CROWD GASPS

Do you really think it's acceptable to rummage

through someone else's stuff?

Do you really think it's acceptable to not tell your best friend

that you've got an actual son?

CROWD GASPS What?

How the hell did you find that out?

I rummaged through your stuff.

Right, you're disqualified.

Now, get your feminine arses out of my extremely masculine club!

Oh! Yes, boys, get them out!

Get them out!

Go on! Go on!

CROWD JEERS

Come on, Dickie. Put him down.

You're just jealous I had a better 'tache.

Out. Go on, out.

Get out of here!

Go on, move it!

Night, Gordon. Sweet dreams, Gordon. Ta-ra, Gordon.

Give my regards to your wife.

Aww!

Eeh, I'm sorry we went to that night without you, girls.

Next time, if we all can't go, no-one goes.

Oh, thanks, Mam.

So why have you never told us about your son?

Nobody's ever asked.

Do you see him much? Oh, not in a long time, chick.

His mam stopped me seeing him when she found out I did drag.

Eh? What do you mean?

Ooh, I had it all.

Poofter, paedo, pervert.

By choosing to put on a frock and a pair of tits

and love the people I wish to love...

..I chose to sacrifice everything.

She... She took him away from me.

And how's she allowed to do that?

Well, back in the day,

dad in a frock didn't have a leg to stand on

when it came to custody, chick.

I was a good frigging dad.

I'd have done anything for him.

Well, have you tried reaching out recently?

Oh, he'll be a teenager now.

Wouldn't want to see a haggard old sack of potatoes like me.

Probably just embarrass him.

You're the fittest sack of potatoes I've ever seen, Mam.

We're all just exploring who we truly are, aren't we?

Unfortunately, in the world we live in,

there's always someone chasing after us with a pitchfork.

See, folk like us often need to find a new pitchforkless family.

You know what, chicks?

I chose wisely with you bunch of wankers.

Hang on.

Where the hell is Neil?

CROWD CHANTS: Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil! Neil! Neil!

MUSIC: Need of U by Aquaholics feat. Sayfro

# I'm in need of you

# I'm in need of you

# I'm in need of you

# I'm in need of you. #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0