Original subtitles

DOOR UNLOCKS, CREAKS

THUNDER RUMBLES

You're joking, aren't you?

DOOR CREAKING

Hello?

Who the fuck is in my house?!

I've been expecting you.

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Why the hell are you pointing a gun at me?!

Why the hell are you in my house in the dark?!

Hiya! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

Anyone want a glass of Pinot? Ahhh! Ahhh!

Why are we screaming?!

Ahhh! Let me in, lads, I'm soaking out here.

Why are yous all here? Have you forgotten?

It's games night and it's my turn to host.

Eh, I'm sorry, chick.

It must have completely slipped my mind. What is it this month?

Jenga? It's a murder mystery.

I've written it myself and, uh, I'm not one

to toot my own trumpet, but...

..it's absolutely fantastic.

THUNDER CRACKS

Can we get started, please? Everyone, take a seat.

Oh! Stewart.

Yours is the little teeny weeny chair.

Welcome to Middlesbrough Manor.

Ooooh!

You've been summoned here today because you're all connected

to the recently deceased lord of the manor,

Sir Humphrey Fishbrain.

And he's mentioned each one of you in his will.

Oh! Eeh, money, money, money!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

It's about bloody time. Thank you. That's enough now. Thank you.

On the table in front of you are your character introductions.

We'll start with the person on my right.

And I will just say this.

Strap yourselves in, because you're about to go on

the ride of your lives.

My name is... Oh!

Big donkey bollocks!

I left the groceries in the hall. Me frozen peas will be dripping.

Excuse me while I put them away. I'll help you, Mam.

Can I get anyone a bevvy from the kitchen?

Rum and cherry cola, please, Mam.

Do you mind bringing the bottle of Pinot through? Course, chicks.

Can yous be quick, please?!

Right. My...

What's taking so long?!

Have you had any more thoughts about telling your grandma

that you're into boys, chick? Nah. I don't think I'm ready

for her to know yet, to be honest.

Aw. You know what I always say?

We're here for you if you ever need owt.

Thanks, Mam. Oh, you're joking, aren't you?

What's the matter? These cheese and bacon quiches go off today.

Right? I bought 15 of the bastards.

Oh!

Here. Here.

These have got to be eaten, so tuck in.

There you go, hon. I love a bit of quiche.

Right. Can we start this murder mystery, please?

LUCINDA CLEARS HER THROAT

My name is Mrs Lorraine Fishbrain,

and I am the bereft wife of the deceased.

He loved me so much and never cheated on me,

especially with the vicar.

And so I expect to receive the majority of my husband's estate.

Absolutely fascinating.

Your turn, Vicar.

My name is Reverend Charlie Church.

I was the deceased's vicar and confidant.

He spoke to me every day through the glory hole

in my confessional box.

A lot of information was passed through that hole and I was happy

to receive it. I expect to get the majority of his estate.

Oh! Wow.

My name is Dr Ian Significant.

I was the personal doctor of the deceased,

despite having the appearance of a...

..weird goblin.

Go on, Dr Ian, read the whole thing.

I truly am a grotesque troll

from the underworld, I think you'll all agree.

I expect to receive the majority of his estate.

Very interesting.

My name is Mrs Plumcock.

I was chef to the deceased... Plumcock.

I mean, I'm having trouble connecting with Mrs Plumcock

as a character.

I know she was a chef, but what made her tick?

Well, that's for you to work out, Mam.

But only you can go inside the mind of Mrs Plumcock.

Embody her.

Go method.

Method.

Mam?

Mam!

THEY SCREAM

Hiya. How'd you get changed so quick, Mam?

Years of practice, chick.

Right, let's keep the momentum going, please.

My name is Mrs Plumcock.

I was chef to the deceased.

Humphrey absolutely loved my food.

His favourite was pigs in blankets...in pigs,

which involved a sausage wrapped in bacon

wrapped in a hog roast.

I fed him until his dying breath,

so I expect to get the majority of his estate.

Thank you, Mrs Plumcock.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Come on. Get tucked into these quiches.

No quiches until we finish the game!

Well, as long as we don't go past midnight.

These quiches go off today.

I will now read Sir Humphrey's will.

THUNDER RUMBLES

DICKIE CLEARS THROAT

"To my wife, whom I loved and cherished for many years,

"I leave...nothing." Oh! GASPING

"To my chef, who fed me delicious meals

"on a daily basis, I leave..."

"..nothing." MAM SIGHS

"To my weird goblin doctor,

"I leave a piece of advice."

Oh!

"Exfoliate."

"And, finally, to my vicar.

"You made me the happiest I've ever been.

"I leave to you my entire estate!"

GASPING, LIGHTNING CRACKS

Somebody's murdered Reverend Charlie Church!

THEY SCREAM

ZIP OPENS, CLATTERING

Where is it?

ZIP CLOSES

Hello, everybody.

My name is Detective Sexy,

and I've heard on the grapevine

that this poor little religious vicar fella has been murdered,

and all of yous lot have a motive.

Nobody leaves this room until we solve this crime.

DOORBELL RINGS, GASPING Who the pigging hell's that?

Oh, that'll be Neil.

Fuck's sake.

I haven't got a part for him.

Hey, Stewart.

Will you...have a sneaky quiche?

Go on, then.

Hiya, everyone. Hiya, Neil. Hi, Neil.

Is Sal all right?

Nah, Neil, she's been murdered.

Well, actually, Reverend Charlie Church

has been murdered.

And everyone in this room is a suspect.

Reverend was due to inherit

Sir Humphrey Fishbrain's entire estate, Neil.

Oh, right.

Well, I brought Pringles, if anybody wants one.

MAM: Oh, fantastic!

I'll put them in a bowl. We haven't got time for a bowl!

There's been a fucking murder!

Right. Neil, I need you to be security guard.

You're the bouncer, and you've got to guard this lounge

until we've discovered who murdered Reverend Charlie Church.

Guard it with your life.

Understand, Neil? I'm on it.

Everyone, sit back down.

Oh. I need to get to the bottom of this,

for I am...Detective Sexy.

I'll just pop and see if Neil wants a drink.

I won't be a minute, hon. DICKIE GROANS

Can I get you a drink, babe?

Oh, best not, darling. I'm on the job.

Hey, Neil, have you ever thought about becoming a bouncer?

Really suits you.

Huh. Well, maybe I can get you a special VIP wristband,

if you're lucky.

Well, maybe I can show you my driver's licence

as a form of ID

in order to gain entry.

Here, you'll never guess who I saw on Grindr the other week.

Who? Liam from down the road.

What, the one who looks like a seagull?

Yeah, that's him, but he's had a nose job,

so he looks like a pigeon now.

Hey, I've got to see this.

Hang on.

What's the matter, Dickie?

Why can I not see you on Grindr, Stewart?

I mean, you should be less than a metre away.

Have you blocked me?

I don't actually have it.

I never have.

You're weird as fuck, you are, Stewart.

Well, I best get back to my friends inside, Mr Bouncer.

Next time, I'll let you give me a full body search.

Not tonight, darling.

You what?

You've had a bit too much to drink.

I think you'd better get yourself off to bed.

Oh, please let me in.

All my mates are inside.

I swear I've only had one glass of wine.

NEIL SIGHS

No, but seriously, let me in now, hon.

Walk around the block,

get yourself a coffee and then, maybe I'll let you in.

DOOR CLOSES

A good profile pic is extremely important

if you want to get a lad over.

Give us a pout, Stewart.

Mm. Try pursing your lips a bit more, chick.

You know, a pout needs to say, "I'm flirty, but I'm also kind.

"But I also won't take any bullshit.

"But I can also show vulnerability."

Yeah, that's it.

Right, you're good to go, Stewart.

Now you can chat to all the local horny gay men.

No need to thank me.

Do you think my grandma will be able to see that I'm on here?

Well, is your grandma a homosexual in the local area

looking to meet like-minded homosexuals

for a good time, Stewart?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Then I think you'll be all right, hon.

LUCINDA SIGHS Soz about that.

I was just sobering up.

Right, can we get back to it then, please?

DICKIE CLEARS THROAT

Which one of you was so jealous of Reverend Charlie Church

receiving the inheritance that you couldn't stand to see him live

another second?

THEY SCREAM

Sal! You're supposed to be dead!

I've got to have a piss, babe. DICKIE SIGHS

Can't we just keep playing without Sal?

I mean, she's dead, hon.

No, we can't just keep playing without the dead body, Lucinda.

It's central to the entire game!

Hey, I've got an idea!

Why don't I make some Bloody Mams?

What's a Bloody Mam, Mam?

Well, it's like a Bloody Mary,

but with a special secret ingredient.

Ooh, I'd go for one of those!

And me. Fuck's sake!

DOORBELL RINGS Who's this now?!

Oh, hiya, babe.

What are you doing here?

Your gerbil's dead.

I didn't really know what to do

with the fucking thing, so I brought it over here for you to deal with.

Oh, hiya, Danni, love.

I thought I heard your voice.

Hiya, Mam. I'm just making some Bloody Mams.

Will I pour you a glass? Ah, yeah, go on, then.

There you go, love.

BLENDER WHIRS

Didn't think I'd see you... STOPS BLENDER

Didn't think I'd see you tonight, Danni, love.

Nah, me neither, to be honest,

but Sal's gerbil's popped its tiny clogs,

so I brought round its tiny corpse for her.

Oh, you're joking?

She loved that funny little thing.

Is she all right? Oh, yeah. She'll get over it.

I mean, the fucking thing stank anyway,

so it's probably better off dead.

I'll have a pint glass.

Thirsty as fuck, me, today, like.

Ridiculous! What the hell are they doing out there?

Have you found fitties yet, Stewart?

I'm talking to this one lad who seems nice.

His name's Dean.

It says he's only 450m away.

Although, I think he's trying to sell me a watch.

Hang on.

That's Dodgy Uncle Dean.

I didn't know Dodgy Uncle Dean was gay.

He's not. He'll be trying to sell you dodgy goods.

Don't fall for it, Stewart.

God, I'm glad you told me.

I nearly transferred him the money.

He's a good salesman, isn't he?

I don't even need a watch.

In fact, can I pretend I'm you and chat to him, hon?

Course you can. Danni's here, everyone.

Hiya, Danni. Hi, Danni.

There's some quiche there, if you fancy a bit, Danni, chick.

Oh, sound.

SNIFFS

Listen up, everyone.

Sal's had some bad news. What now?

It's her gerbil.

Dead as fuck. Yes, thank you, Danni!

It's like Danni says, dead as fuck.

Maybe she can get some acting tips from it.

Be nice, please.

Sal loved that weird little rat creature.

SAL: Hiya, lads.

Hey, Sal. Hey, chick.

Sorry to hear about your dead gerbil, Sal.

Thanks, babe.

Listen, if you want to bury it,

you can use the flowerbed in the back garden if you like, chick.

Right, can we get back to the murder mystery, please?

Sal, if you wouldn't mind.

Sorry, Danni. I didn't know you were coming,

so I haven't got a part for you.

Oh, don't worry about me. Footy's on.

ON TV: Close, so close.

CROWD CHEERS ON TV

Sorry, babe, but we're actually in the middle of a game.

ON TV: Meandering...right down the left-hand side.

TV VOLUME INCREASES

DICKIE SIGHS

Right, can we get on with this game now?

You were all in the room when the murder happened,

but I want to know exactly what you were doing the moment

the lights went out.

Let's start with you, Dr Ian Significant.

"As a dirty little pervert goblin..."

Keep reading.

"..I often frequent homosexual dark rooms,

"and so the darkness triggered me,

"and I got my willy out

"and started masturbating.

"Therefore, there's no way I could have been the murderer."

An interesting and believable alibi.

Mrs Plumcock?

AMERICAN ACCENT: "There's no way I could have murdered that vicar."

Mam! What are you doing?

I'm embodying Mrs Plumcock.

There's no way I could have murdered that vicar,

because I'm Mrs Fucking Plumcock

and I'm the best fucking chef in town!

Mam! You've got to read what's on the card!

Ee, sorry, chick, I got carried away.

Oh, gotcha! You what?

Dodgy Uncle Dean is flogging dodgy jewellery in the immediate area.

Well, what's that got to do with the murder

of Reverend Charlie Church?

Well, I'm going to go and confront that scamming little bastard,

cos there's absolutely no way I'm going to let him scam

all the local horny gay lads.

Fuck's sake!

I don't know why I'm bothering with this game.

WHISPERS: There's a quiche by you there, for when you feel

a bit more alive, Sal, chick.

Thanks, Mam.

I'm just popping out for a tick, hon.

I'm afraid you'll have to join the queue if you come back, darling.

We're still doing this, are we?

Well, in that case, maybe we can come to some

sort of arrangement, Mr...

..Bicep.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

I wouldn't worry if you haven't had many messages yet, hon.

It can take a while.

I've actually had a few already.

Oh!

I'm absolutely made up for you.

Aw, thanks, Dickie. DICKIE CHUCKLES

PHONE VIBRATES

Er, isn't this Harrison's new boyfriend?

Oh, my God! That is him.

I wonder if they've split up?

His profile says open relationship.

That... That's mad!

There's no way Harrison would ever agree to that.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, I'm sick of this now!

AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm Mrs Fucking Plumcock.

You got a problem with that? Hmm?

Ah! Uh!

Harrison, what are you doing here?

Well, you said I could come over and get me trainers from you.

Oh, I completely forgot.

Yeah, I brought back your creepy wig head thing.

I need it out me house.

The eyes follow you around.

So, funny, actually.

We were just, erm,

just talking about you.

This way.

Hiya, Mam. Oh, what you making...

Who the fuck are you calling Mam?!

I'm Mrs Fucking Plumcock!

You come to steal my recipes, ain't you?

Well, not today, bozo!

Mam! Mam! Snap out of it!

Oh! Eh! I'm sorry.

Oh, I don't know what came over me.

Maybe you shouldn't go method after all, Mam.

Oh, will you stay for a drink, Harrison?

I'm going to make a fresh batch of Bloody Mams.

Well, I really shouldn't, but, um...

Well, I have missed a Bloody Mam, Mam.

Um...go on, then.

So, how's it going with...

What's his name again? Billy?

It's Bobby.

It's actually going really well, thanks.

I just didn't think you were an open relationships type of guy.

Eh? How do you know about that?!

Stewart told me. Well, how does Stewart know?

Uh, a little gay dating app, babes.

Bobby's on there?

Did you not know?

Yeah, of course I know.

LAUGHING: You didn't know, did you?

Just leave it. DICKIE LAUGHS

You didn't know that your actual boyfriend

was Grinding his way around Boro?

Just fucking leave it, Dickie!

Here you are, chicks. Get these down you.

Howay, come through and see everyone.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, hiya, Harrison.

Is Sal OK? She's been murdered.

By who?

Well, that's the mystery, chick.

But I'll tell you who DIDN'T commit the murder -

Mrs Fucking Plumcock.

MAM GROWLS

Bloody Mam, anyone?

Oh, yeah, I'll go for one.

Oh, cheers.

Neil, babe,

my uncle Dean has got an amazing deal on at the moment for jewellery.

Buy ten items, get one half-price.

Look at all this bling!

I'm sorry, my darling...

..you'll have to form a queue, I'm afraid.

Of course.

Well, maybe, whilst I'm waiting, you can frisk me.

You never know what illegal substances a hussy like me

is trying to bring in.

You found any nice fellas yet, Stewart?

I'm talking to this one lad, aye.

I hope yous don't mind, but I've invited him over for a drink.

You've invited a lad round here tonight?

To my house?

Yeah, he seems lovely.

That's very forward of you, Stewart.

What, are you just going to take him upstairs

and do the dirty in the spare room, or what?

What do you mean?

I thought we'd just have a drink, a few chats with him,

get to know him a bit.

That's not really what it's used for, mate.

I don't understand.

What's it used for?

Sexual activity, Stewart.

No, I think he's just coming over for a cup of tea.

He's mentioned he's bringing teabags.

Let's have a look.

Read his profile, Stewart!

Says he gets a kick out of teabagging!

Oh, my God!

But I don't want to teabag him! THUNDER CRACKS

Footie's over. I'm fucking off.

Do you want to take a little bit of quiche in a doggy bag,

Danni, chick? Aye, go on, then.

Sal!

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm playing the role of Reverend Charlie Church.

Well, you look like a fucking divvy!

MAM MOUTHS

Cheers, love.

Right, now that Lucinda's back,

can we please resume our murder mystery positions?

Before we start, I'd like us all to raise our glasses

to Sal's gerbil.

ALL: Sal's gerbil!

Mam, I might take you up on

that offer to bury Geoff in the flowerbed, if you don't mind.

Of course, chick.

Who's for quiche?

DICKIE GRUMBLES

So, are yous any closer to solving this murder?

No, Harrison, we're not.

And I'll tell you for why.

Because no bugger is taking

my ridiculously fun games night seriously!

Oh, don't be like that, hon.

No, I will be like that, actually, Lucinda,

because I'll remind you that when we played Twister for your games night,

I was committed -

to the point where I sprained both wrists and got whiplash!

And when we played hide and seek for your games night, Mam,

I hid in that small bedside table for three and a half hours!

I tell you what, the night is young.

Why don't we regroup and get back to solving the murder?

Nah, I'm done!

And I'll tell you who the murderer is.

It's Stewart, the teabagging little bastard.

THEY ALL GASP

Why would you do such a thing, Stewart?

I'm not sure.

DOORBELL RINGS, ALL SCREAM

Who's that now?

Oh, my God! I forgot to tell that lad not to come!

He'll be here, with his teabags!

What are we going to do?

WE'RE not going to do anything, Stewart.

You're the one who's invited him over,

so you're the one who's going to have to teabag him.

But I really don't want to teabag anyone today.

Well, somebody's going to have to teabag the poor lad, Stewart.

Is there someone here called Stewart?

There is, mate.

I need to check your bag before you can come in.

Lads, has anyone seen Geoff?

Who the fuck's Geoff?!

My dead gerbil.

No, I've not seen him, hon. I haven't seen him.

Where did you leave him, Sal?

Just in the freezer, on top of the ice.

I can't see the ice any more either.

Well, I put all the ice in the blender for the Bloody Mams.

Yeah, I just threw the whole lot in.

I threw the whole lot in.

VOICES ECHO AND DISTORT Has anyone seen Geoff?

I threw the whole lot in.

Who the fuck's Geoff?

My dead gerbil.

There you go.

In you come - through here.

This way, mate.

COUGHING AND RETCHING

COUGHS

VOMITS

Care for a quiche, chick?

GAGGING AND RETCHING

NEIL SCREAMS

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