Original subtitles

Take your time. Just tell us everything you remember.

It's been 84 minutes.

It was a different time back then.

We were younger and happier.

We hadn't a care in the world.

Ee, I'm buzzing for your drag brunch, Mam.

I said to Neil for him to bring his armbands and waders,

what with it being Titanic theme.

Oh, it's been a while since I've dusted off the old bingo balls.

I've roped in Geordie Kaz to help organise it.

Oh, I love Geordie Kaz, me.

She's got such a funny accent.

"Yer alreet, pet?"

ALL: Yer alreet, pet? Wey aye, man.

Helter-skelter pooper-scooper.

Come on, you lot, get your togs on. We're leaving in 20.

ALL: Whoo!

Right, Lucinda, I need your make-up skills, please.

I want to be an English rose today.

You're in luck, hon.

My uncle Dean has just sold me some Estee Lauder cosmetics,

and I have the perfect English rose rouge for your cheeks.

Not your dodgy uncle Dean who went to prison for fraud?

He's changed his ways, hon.

At first I thought, "No, Lucinda, don't fall for

"his con artist behaviour again, not after last time,

"when he phoned me up and convinced me to transfer him money

"cos he said he was stuck down a well in Botswana."

But I had lunch with him the other day,

and I swear down, he's proper changed his ways.

Well, haway, then, get it on my face.

I'm on the pull today so I need to look fresh as fuck.

What are you dressing up as, Stewart?

Well, I wasn't sure what to wear,

cos I've never seen Titanic, but Mam says she's got me a costume.

You've never seen Titanic?

No. It came out before I was born, so...

More concealer, please, Lucinda.

Haway, babe, don't be stingy.

As the make-up gently caressed my cheek, I caught a glimpse of

myself in the mirror, and I thought, "Wow, I truly am England's rose.

"I was..." If we could just stick to the relevant points,

that would be great.

SHARPLY: Do you want my statement or not, Officer?

The Teesside Princess was called the Ship of Dreams.

And it was.

It really was.

So this is the famous Teesside Princess.

I heard she's unsinkable.

Oh, look at the stern on that.

Absolutely exquisite.

What a big, old, bastard barge.

Wow, it's huge.

Haway inside. Let's get set up.

Haway, Stewart, stop pissing about.

What a beauty.

Is that you, Neil?

Down 'ere.

Oh, hiya, Stewart.

Oh, thanks, Neil.

What have you come as? Squirty cream?

I'm meant to be an iceberg.

Oh.

Oh, it's Geordie Kaz.

Ah, alreet?

ALL: Alreet, Kaz?

Ee, how are you? You OK, chick? Aye, not too bad.

Cannae complain. 'Ere, Kaz, say, "That radiator needs bleeding."

That radiator needs bleeding.

THEY LAUGH

ALL IMITATING: That ree-dee-ate-ah needs bleeden! Ree-dee-ate-ah!

Ahh!

So what's the deal, chick?

Do we just take the equipment straight downstairs?

Oh, yeah, about that. There's been a bit of a hiccup.

Erm, apparently there's been a double-booking.

What do you mean? I booked this place months ago.

Who the hell's frigging double-booked it?

'Scuse me, chick.

I, er, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.

I've got this room booked.

You!

Hello, Mam.

Didn't expect to see you 'ere.

It's been a while.

You're looking like you're eating well.

What the hell are you doing here, Nan?

Er, you must excuse the mess.

I'm just setting up for my Titanic-themed drag brunch.

This is my Titanic-themed drag brunch.

I'm ever so sorry, flower.

You must be mistaken.

There is no pigging way we've booked a drag event

on the same day, in the same place.

You know, it's not uncommon for a drag queen to host

a Titanic-themed drag brunch on a floating vessel!

Well, you're going to have to leave,

because I have got a huge guest list,

and they will be arriving...imminently.

Big word for a big lass.

Oh, you bitch!

Oh!

You cow! D'oh!

You tit! Uh!

You shit! Oh!

Stop! What's going on?

Ee, Nan, what are you doing here?

I didn't think you two could legally be in the same room as each other.

What's all the racket, lads?

I could hear yous from the engine room.

She's trying to hijack my event,

cos she's got a vendetta against me.

Oh, get over yourself, you hairy, old wench.

It's not all about you!

Ee, I didn't think you two could legally be

in the same room as each other.

Ha! Don't worry, everyone.

Nan was just leaving.

Like fucking hell, I was.

This is exactly why the Tees Treaty had to be drawn up.

It specifically stipulates that Nan should only be hosting

drag events in Stockton,

and Mam should only be hosting drag events in Middlesbrough,

and that never the twain shall meet.

E-e-exactly!

And, seeing as we're in Middlesbrough,

you can just fuck yourself off back to Stockton.

Ta-ta!

Er, I think you'll find we're actually in Stockton,

so you can fuck yourself off back to the Boro!

Technically, lads, this is international waters.

WHISTLING

Mel? Sal!

Mel, bring the crate of blue WKDs in.

We're staying put.

Well, how are we going to settle this?

There's only one way...

BOTH: A fight to the death!

Or what about an arm wrestle?

Yeah, that works. That's fine. Yeah, we'll do that, yeah.

HAND THUDS

Haway! Get in!

You lifted your elbow!

Stockton wins!

The room is ours.

Get yourselves upstairs, you Middlesbrough twats.

Oh, you cheat!

Stop being a bad loser, you bitter, old snot pig.

This isn't over.

SHE LAUGHS

She was a majestic beauty, the Teesside Princess,

and I knew I'd feel at home on this sturdy vessel.

The old girl was about to set sail and carry me to my new life,

away from my troubles, finally leaving my ex-boyfriend,

Harrison, far behind me.

For fuck's sake!

Just the very sight of that shit rag ex-boyfriend of mine

and his new whore twink made my piss boil.

I needed to cool down with some ice-cold, hard liquor.

And that's when I saw him -

the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on.

I caught his eye, and he caught my heart.

Erm, vodka and gin on the rocks, please, hon.

And make it a slimline.

Single? Very.

No, sorry, I mean, do you want a single or a double?

All of the above.

WHISPERS: I'm a thirsty girl.

Do I detect an exotic accent?

Aye, I'm from Glasgow.

Well, my ma' and da' moved around a lot, so I've kind of got

a range of different Scottish accents all merged together.

The funniest time was, we moved to the Isle of Arran.

I couldn't understand a word they were saying at first.

Then you sort of learn to acclimatise, though, don't you?

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Hiya. What can I get you, pal?

Ooh, I think I'll go for a raspberry cider, please.

Dickie, are you all right?

Your face looks a bit...

Fresh? Yeah, I know, hon.

I'm an English rose these days.

Stewart, this is...

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Jack. Jack!

Nice to meet you. I'm Stewart.

You know, I've got to say, pal,

I think it's really admirable you're using a drag brunch to highlight

the plight of the melting ice caps in Antarctica.

Oh...

Thanks very much.

I'm also a huge fan of climate change, Jack.

Dickie, I really think you need to take a quick look in the mirror.

I think you should take a good look in the mirror

before you criticise other people, Stewart.

You're dressed as squirty cream.

Two triple vodka lemonades, please.

Well, well, well,

look what's washed up.

A thorn between two roses.

Hiya, Dickie.

What the hell's happened to your face?

It's called a natural glow.

You should ask Mother Nature for a refund.

THEY LAUGH

Jealousy is never attractive.

Well, maybe you should change your name to Jealousy, then.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, well, maybe you should ch-change your name

to J-Jealousy as well.

Sorry you had to see that, Jack.

Cheating cow! She's jealous.

That's why she's done this.

Oh! Well, I tell you what.

I'm going to make this event a success,

even if I have to do it up here.

All hands on deck! Yes, Mam. Yes, Mam.

Back in a sec, Jack.

What's going on, Mam?

Evil, conniving, back-stabbing witch!

Mam, Stewart's literally stood right here.

Not Stewart.

Nan.

You're joking, aren't you? Nan's here?

As I live and fucking breathe!

Oh, where the fuck is Geordie Kaz?

Who's Nan?

Mam's arch-nemesis.

They go way back, but...it didn't end well.

Ee, why?

Let me tell you a little story, Stewart.

Many moons ago, they were like sisters.

They had this comedy double act,

and they'd go round to all the working men's clubs together.

Mam had this catchphrase the audiences couldn't get enough of.

And I turned around to him and I said,

"Oh, I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana!"

LAUGHTER

They were making an absolute killing...

..until, one day, Mam showed up to one of the gigs.

She walked in and, to her shock, Nan was already onstage.

So I had this fella come to do my plumbing in the house

the other day, right? And that's not all.

Not like that, you cheeky beggar.

Nan had stolen Mam's catchphrase.

Ooh, sir, I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana!

LAUGHTER

Why would she do that?

Mam thinks she was jealous cos she was getting more laughs than her.

But all you need to know is, they can never be left alone together.

Do you understand me, Stewart?

Ah, alreet? Found her.

Hi, Mam.

You know, I actually prefer it up here, Mam.

It's got a lot of charm.

We'll make it work, chick. We always do.

Er, Kaz, did you find out anything about the sound system for up here?

Oh, yeah, about that,

er, they don't have a sound system for up here.

Huh?

What am I going to do about me music?

Oh, that's all I need.

Would you run and get my mobile karaoke machine

from the van, please, Kaz? That'll have to do.

Oh, could this day get any frigging worse?

Er, just to let you know, the toilets up here are blocked,

so you're going to have to get your audience to go downstairs

if they need to spend a penny.

SHE GROWLS

Welcome aboard. Cheers.

Need any help?

Yeah, if you don't mind, mate.

Welcome aboard. Welcome aboard.

Ta.

FART PARPS

The crowds were flooding in to Mam's bingo,

and the energy was electric.

Welcome aboard!

Well, we're, er, we're about to set sail.

Destination... IN AMERICAN ACCENT: ..New York.

Anyone fancy a game of bingo?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Come on, you can do better than that.

Anyone fancy a game of bingo?

Whilst Mam was slaying the house down upstairs,

little did we know that, below deck, something sinister was afoot.

Are you here for the Titanic drag brunch?

This way.

SHE CACKLES

RASPING

The bingo was in full swing.

Legs 11...

SHE WOLF-WHISTLES

88.

I'm going for a piss.

Unfortunately, I was finding it hard to concentrate on Mam's balls,

because Jack would not stop flirting with me.

Sorry, he was flirting with you?

Are you questioning my judgment, officer?

As I was saying, Jack was in awe of me.

Where the fuck is everyone,

21.

And then Mam had an idea.

Oh, no! Look out, everyone!

Iceberg right ahead!

Wherever the iceberg hits has to do a shot!

O-o-oh...

Oo-oo-ooh...

Uh-oh!

Looks like the shot iceberg has found a victim.

Come on, everyone! Down in one! Down in one!

ALL: Down in one!

Down in one!

Whoo!

MAN, DOWNSTAIRS: This is the best party I've ever fucking been to!

CHEERING

MUSIC BLARES FROM DOWNSTAIRS

Er, just, um, talk amongst yourselves for a minute.

What the hell's happened to my audience?

I want you to go downstairs and find out.

No probs, Mam. I'm on the case.

Thanks, chick.

Oh, I'm glad I found you, Stewart.

Mam's just told me to tell you to go downstairs

to find out what's happened to her audience.

OK.

'Ere, Jack, teach me how to speak Scottish.

It's just English, pal, wi' an accent.

"Is just Engsh, pile, wi' axen."

Such a beautiful language.

LIVELY MUSIC AND CHEERING

Anybody fancy a shot?!

CHEERING

Yeah! ALL CHANT: Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

Watch out, everybody!

There's a fucking iceberg ahead!

CHEERING

ALL CHANT: Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!

Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!

MAM: Baker's dozen. 60, isn't it, Dickie?

CHANTING CONTINUES DOWNSTAIRS

Double brandy and coke, please, mate.

Where's Mam's audience?

Funny you should mention it, actually,

cos she's just asked me to ask you if you wouldn't mind

going downstairs to try and get them to come back up.

Oh, sound. I'm on it.

DICKIE CHUCKLES

Where the hell have you been?

I accidentally went downstairs, and...

..well...

..I've seen things.

What do you mean, "things"?

I can't explain.

All I know is...

..I need to go back down.

Neil?

Neil?!

MAM: Garden gate, number eight.

CHEERING DOWNSTAIRS

CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!

Iceberg! Iceberg!

'Scuse me, mate?

There's bingo happening upstairs.

CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!

Sorry to interrupt, but you're missing out on a cracking game of bingo.

CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg!

I'm not sure you're aware, but there's bingo going on.

Eeh, what did I tell you?

This is absolutely amazing!

DANCE MUSIC BUILDS

Danny La Rue, 52.

I'm going to need another couple of bottles of prosecco, flower!

Eeh, the bastards have drank me dry downstairs!

Sorry to interrupt this...

..electrifying game of bingo,

but I just wanted to let everyone know

there are free glasses of prosecco downstairs for the next ten minutes.

Go on.

And I'm absolutely gagging

to extract one of your balls, Mam.

You don't mind...

..do you?

Ooh!

MENACINGLY: One fat lady...

BRIGHTLY: ..number eight.

MENACINGLY: Saggy old whore...

BRIGHTLY: ..34.

Built like a vending machine...

..17.

A speck of shit on me shoe...

..32.

Tits dragging on the floor...

..64.

BALLS dragging on the floor...

..74.

AIR HORN SOUNDS

Lip-sync battle time!

Yeah! CHEERING

Any of you little fuckers brave enough to battle me?

CROWD: Yeah!

Attention-seeking bitch!

I love lip-sync battles.

I'll do it!

Oh!

We have a victim.

CHEERING

And it looks like fucking Jackie Stallone.

LAUGHTER

What's happened to Dickie's face?

AS JACKIE STALLONE: 'Ere, Jackie...

LAUGHTER

"Not suitable for human skin."

Not again, Uncle Dean, you complete arsehole!

This is for you, Jack babes.

MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B*Witched

CHEERING

# Ah-oh

# Hey, hey

# Ah-oh

# Ah-oh

# I say, hey, boy, sitting in your tree

# Mummy always wants you to come for tea

# Don't be shy, straighten up your tie

# Get down from your treehouse sitting in the sky

# I want to know just what to do

# Is it very big, is there room for two?

# I got a house with windows and doors

# I'll show you mine if you show me yours

# Got to let me in, hey, hey, hey... #

Thick as bricks, 26!

A washed-up has-been, number 14.

Neck as wide as a tree, 93.

A haggard old bitch with freakishly large feet and a big fat arse...

..six! House!

Ooh! We have a winner, Mam.

And I'll tell you what...

..oh, I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana...

ECHOING: ..banana...banana...

YOUNG NAN: Ooh! I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana.

I said...

..I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana!

MAM GRUNTS

What you going to do?

Hit me in front of your tiny audience?

Outside. Now!

# Na na na ho

# C'est la vie

# Na na na hey

# Huh, huh, huh

# C'est la vie. #

CHEERING

HEAVY THUD

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oi, pack in yer yappin'!

Mam's outside with Nan...

..alone!

SHOCKED GASPS

Tell me why you're doing this! Doing what?!

Why you stole my audience.

Why did you steal my catchphrase?

I never stole your audience.

Maybe they just decided to have a day at home.

And it was never your catchphrase.

We were a double act.

It was our catchphrase.

Oh, you're a liar! You...

Tell me the truth, or I'll spray this in your crusty old face -

why are you so obsessed with me?

Obsessed?! Come off it, Mam.

I mean, look at yourself.

Who'd ever be obsessed with you?

OK...

..maybe I did steal your audience.

I knew it!

But I did it because...

..I miss you.

Eh?! I miss you!

And I just wanted to be around you again.

I knew you wouldn't ever agree to a gig with me,

so the only way I could spend time with you was to...

..hijack your event.

I had no idea.

I mean, that's quite unhinged, chick.

I'm sorry, Mam.

I'll leave now...

..and let you finish your show.

NAN CHUCKLES MANIACALLY

I knew you'd fall for that, you gullible old cow!

What?!

I never stole your gig cos I miss you.

I was just bored as fuck!

You evil...!

Nan, noooo!

DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

INAUDIBLE

LOUD SPLASH, ONLOOKERS GASP

Our Stewart, stop pissing about!

What are we going to do?

Don't worry, the current should carry him back to the Boro.

Er, no, it'll take him to Stockton!

Actually, lads, this current flows directly to the North Sea.

THEY GASP

ALL: STEWART!

And we never saw him again.

You know, as irritating as he was,

I'm going to miss that annoying little shitstick.

Sorry, who are you talking about?

Stewart.

Stewart Park? He drowned, officer.

Keep up.

Er, no, he didn't.

He's sat right there.

Ah, yes.

The river rat lives to fight another day.

Fancy some more prosecco?

I nabbed a couple of bottles from Nan.

Wouldn't say no, like.

BOTH: Cheers.

CAR HORN HONKS

Sal!

Haway in the car!

Gorra go. Who's that?

HONKING CONTINUES Sal!

Well, she's...

..actually my girlfriend.

Oh, right.

You best be getting back to her, then.

ENGINE REVS

SAL!

What the frig are you doing, you divvy?

Haway!

HONKING CONTINUES

I need you to get me a kebab.

I'm frigging starving.

Wasting away over 'ere.

ENGINE REVS

MAM: You've got an arse like an open suitcase!

NAN: You sack of shit!

You've got big balls like a space hopper!

Hiya, Stewart.

Look, I just wanted to let you know,

I thought it was really, really brave what you did.

I mean jumping in the river dressed as an iceberg,

all in the name of drawing attention to the melting ice caps.

Oh, no... You could have died.

Er, Jack, I think...

Listen. Can I, er...

Can I give you my number?

You don't have to contact me, but if you ever fancy a drink...

Er... I... I'd love that, yeah.

Would you like to give ME your number, Jack?

No.

No, I wouldn't.

Not until you start taking the environment seriously

and stop using single-use plastic bottles.

Sorry, babe.

WATER SPLASHES

PLAINTIVE WHISTLE PLAYS

What the fuck has happened to my face?!

MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B*Witched

# Hey, hey

# Na na na hey

# Na na na ho

# Na na na hey

# Huh, huh, huh, huh

# Say you will, say you won't

# Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me,

# Wanna say "C'est la vie"... #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0