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1
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,560
Take your time. Just tell us
everything you remember.
2
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,800
It's been 84 minutes.
3
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,159
It was a different time back then.
4
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:29,120
We were younger and happier.
5
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,240
We hadn't a care in the world.
6
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,399
Ee, I'm buzzing for your drag
brunch, Mam.
7
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,599
I said to Neil for him
to bring his armbands and waders,
8
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,879
what with it being Titanic theme.
9
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,759
Oh, it's been a while since I've
dusted off the old bingo balls.
10
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,879
I've roped in Geordie Kaz
to help organise it.
11
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,639
Oh, I love Geordie Kaz, me.
12
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:54,999
She's got such a funny accent.
13
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,599
"Yer alreet, pet?"
14
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,079
ALL: Yer alreet, pet?
Wey aye, man.
15
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,119
Helter-skelter pooper-scooper.
16
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,839
Come on, you lot, get your togs on.
We're leaving in 20.
17
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:04,919
ALL: Whoo!
18
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,199
Right, Lucinda, I need your make-up
skills, please.
19
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,999
I want to be an English rose today.
20
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,199
You're in luck, hon.
21
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,279
My uncle Dean has just sold me
some Estee Lauder cosmetics,
22
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,159
and I have the perfect English rose
rouge for your cheeks.
23
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,319
Not your dodgy uncle Dean who went
to prison for fraud?
24
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,719
He's changed his ways, hon.
25
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,159
At first I thought,
"No, Lucinda, don't fall for
26
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,759
"his con artist behaviour again,
not after last time,
27
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,639
"when he phoned me up and convinced
me to transfer him money
28
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,559
"cos he said he was stuck down
a well in Botswana."
29
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,399
But I had lunch with him
the other day,
30
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,639
and I swear down,
he's proper changed his ways.
31
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,839
Well, haway, then,
get it on my face.
32
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,759
I'm on the pull today
so I need to look fresh as fuck.
33
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,399
What are you dressing up as,
Stewart?
34
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,559
Well, I wasn't sure what to wear,
35
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,279
cos I've never seen Titanic,
but Mam says she's got me a costume.
36
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,359
You've never seen Titanic?
37
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,680
No. It came out before I was born,
so...
38
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,120
More concealer, please, Lucinda.
39
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,360
Haway, babe, don't be stingy.
40
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,319
As the make-up gently caressed
my cheek, I caught a glimpse of
41
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:09,519
myself in the mirror, and I thought,
"Wow, I truly am England's rose.
42
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,439
"I was..." If we could just stick
to the relevant points,
43
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,759
that would be great.
44
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,350
SHARPLY: Do you want my statement or
not, Officer?
45
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,560
The Teesside Princess was called
the Ship of Dreams.
46
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,879
And it was.
47
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,240
It really was.
48
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,760
So this is the famous
Teesside Princess.
49
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,959
I heard she's unsinkable.
50
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,720
Oh, look at the stern on that.
51
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,480
Absolutely exquisite.
52
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,920
What a big, old, bastard barge.
53
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,640
Wow, it's huge.
54
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,320
Haway inside.
Let's get set up.
55
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,360
Haway, Stewart, stop pissing about.
56
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:01,930
What a beauty.
57
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,080
Is that you, Neil?
58
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,719
Down 'ere.
59
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,080
Oh, hiya, Stewart.
60
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,199
Oh, thanks, Neil.
61
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,639
What have you come as?
Squirty cream?
62
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,079
I'm meant to be an iceberg.
63
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,679
Oh.
64
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,599
Oh, it's Geordie Kaz.
65
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,039
Ah, alreet?
66
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,719
ALL: Alreet, Kaz?
67
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,279
Ee, how are you? You OK, chick?
Aye, not too bad.
68
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,880
Cannae complain. 'Ere, Kaz, say,
"That radiator needs bleeding."
69
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,759
That radiator needs bleeding.
70
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,119
THEY LAUGH
71
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,639
ALL IMITATING: That ree-dee-ate-ah
needs bleeden! Ree-dee-ate-ah!
72
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,839
Ahh!
73
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,199
So what's the deal, chick?
74
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,839
Do we just take the equipment
straight downstairs?
75
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,399
Oh, yeah, about that.
There's been a bit of a hiccup.
76
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,759
Erm, apparently there's been
a double-booking.
77
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,319
What do you mean?
I booked this place months ago.
78
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,550
Who the hell's frigging
double-booked it?
79
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,759
'Scuse me, chick.
80
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,599
I, er, I think there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding.
81
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,160
I've got this room booked.
82
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,079
You!
83
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,119
Hello, Mam.
84
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,319
Didn't expect to see you 'ere.
85
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,839
It's been a while.
86
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,159
You're looking like you're
eating well.
87
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,959
What the hell are you doing here,
Nan?
88
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,719
Er, you must excuse the mess.
89
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:42,199
I'm just setting up
for my Titanic-themed drag brunch.
90
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,999
This is my Titanic-themed
drag brunch.
91
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,879
I'm ever so sorry, flower.
92
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,039
You must be mistaken.
93
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,679
There is no pigging way
we've booked a drag event
94
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,880
on the same day, in the same place.
95
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:04,559
You know, it's not uncommon
for a drag queen to host
96
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:09,199
a Titanic-themed drag
brunch on a floating vessel!
97
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,879
Well, you're going to have to leave,
98
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,839
because I have got a huge
guest list,
99
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:19,079
and they will be
arriving...imminently.
100
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,639
Big word for a big lass.
101
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,079
Oh, you bitch!
102
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,520
Oh!
103
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,639
You cow!
D'oh!
104
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,399
You tit!
Uh!
105
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,639
You shit!
Oh!
106
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,639
Stop! What's going on?
107
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,839
Ee, Nan,
what are you doing here?
108
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,879
I didn't think you two could legally
be in the same room as each other.
109
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,039
What's all the racket, lads?
110
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,839
I could hear
yous from the engine room.
111
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,919
She's trying to hijack my event,
112
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,919
cos she's got
a vendetta against me.
113
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,519
Oh, get over yourself,
you hairy, old wench.
114
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,159
It's not all about you!
115
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,199
Ee, I didn't think you two could
legally be
116
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,679
in the same room as each other.
117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,399
Ha! Don't worry, everyone.
118
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,839
Nan was just leaving.
119
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,760
Like fucking hell, I was.
120
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,519
This is exactly why the Tees Treaty
had to be drawn up.
121
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,559
It specifically stipulates that Nan
should only be hosting
122
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,119
drag events in Stockton,
123
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,039
and Mam should only be hosting drag
events in Middlesbrough,
124
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,879
and that never the twain shall meet.
125
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,919
E-e-exactly!
126
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,919
And, seeing as we're
in Middlesbrough,
127
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,079
you can just fuck yourself off
back to Stockton.
128
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,359
Ta-ta!
129
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,959
Er, I think you'll find
we're actually in Stockton,
130
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,199
so you can fuck yourself off
back to the Boro!
131
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,799
Technically, lads,
this is international waters.
132
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,119
WHISTLING
133
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,159
Mel?
Sal!
134
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,839
Mel, bring the crate of
blue WKDs in.
135
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,919
We're staying put.
136
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,919
Well, how are we going to
settle this?
137
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,280
There's only one way...
138
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,840
BOTH: A fight to the death!
139
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,599
Or what about an arm wrestle?
140
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,370
Yeah, that works. That's fine.
Yeah, we'll do that, yeah.
141
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,079
HAND THUDS
142
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,559
Haway! Get in!
143
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,319
You lifted your elbow!
144
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,839
Stockton wins!
145
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,399
The room is ours.
146
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,879
Get yourselves upstairs,
you Middlesbrough twats.
147
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,559
Oh, you cheat!
148
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:37,279
Stop being a bad loser,
you bitter, old snot pig.
149
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,199
This isn't over.
150
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,760
SHE LAUGHS
151
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,079
She was a majestic beauty,
the Teesside Princess,
152
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,759
and I knew I'd feel at home on this
sturdy vessel.
153
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,639
The old girl was about to set sail
and carry me to my new life,
154
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,959
away from my troubles,
finally leaving my ex-boyfriend,
155
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,040
Harrison, far behind me.
156
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
For fuck's sake!
157
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,039
Just the very sight of that shit rag
ex-boyfriend of mine
158
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,559
and his new whore twink
made my piss boil.
159
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:17,319
I needed to cool down with some
ice-cold, hard liquor.
160
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,599
And that's when I saw him -
161
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,320
the most beautiful man
I'd ever laid eyes on.
162
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,999
I caught his eye,
and he caught my heart.
163
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,759
Erm, vodka and gin on the rocks,
please, hon.
164
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,279
And make it a slimline.
165
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,479
Single?
Very.
166
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,919
No, sorry, I mean,
do you want a single or a double?
167
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,360
All of the above.
168
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,040
WHISPERS: I'm a thirsty girl.
169
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,439
Do I detect an exotic accent?
170
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,119
Aye, I'm from Glasgow.
171
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,119
Well, my ma' and da' moved
around a lot, so I've kind of got
172
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,919
a range of different Scottish
accents all merged together.
173
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,639
The funniest time was,
we moved to the Isle of Arran.
174
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,319
I couldn't understand a word
they were saying at first.
175
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,039
Then you sort of learn to
acclimatise, though, don't you?
176
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,960
SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY
177
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,679
Hiya.
What can I get you, pal?
178
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,839
Ooh, I think I'll
go for a raspberry cider, please.
179
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,479
Dickie, are you all right?
180
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,199
Your face looks a bit...
181
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,399
Fresh? Yeah, I know, hon.
182
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,479
I'm an English rose these days.
183
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,879
Stewart, this is...
184
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,319
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
185
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,079
Jack. Jack!
186
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,199
Nice to meet you. I'm Stewart.
187
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,719
You know, I've got to say, pal,
188
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,599
I think it's really admirable you're
using a drag brunch to highlight
189
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,159
the plight of the melting ice caps
in Antarctica.
190
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,959
Oh...
191
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,320
Thanks very much.
192
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,600
I'm also a huge fan of
climate change, Jack.
193
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,959
Dickie, I really think you need to
take a quick look in the mirror.
194
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,319
I think you should take a good
look in the mirror
195
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,839
before you criticise other people,
Stewart.
196
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,560
You're dressed as squirty cream.
197
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,440
Two triple vodka lemonades, please.
198
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,279
Well, well, well,
199
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,039
look what's washed up.
200
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,879
A thorn between two roses.
201
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,359
Hiya, Dickie.
202
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,119
What the hell's happened
to your face?
203
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,839
It's called a natural glow.
204
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,959
You should ask Mother Nature for
a refund.
205
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,439
THEY LAUGH
206
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,359
Jealousy is never attractive.
207
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,599
Well, maybe you should
change your name to Jealousy, then.
208
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,759
THEY LAUGH
209
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,559
Yeah, well, maybe you should
ch-change your name
210
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,360
to J-Jealousy as well.
211
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,039
Sorry you had to see that, Jack.
212
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,599
Cheating cow! She's jealous.
213
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,079
That's why she's done this.
214
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,759
Oh! Well, I tell you what.
215
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,719
I'm going to make this event
a success,
216
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,359
even if I have to do it up here.
217
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,400
All hands on deck!
Yes, Mam. Yes, Mam.
218
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:37,680
Back in a sec, Jack.
219
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,399
What's going on, Mam?
220
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,039
Evil, conniving,
back-stabbing witch!
221
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,039
Mam, Stewart's literally
stood right here.
222
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,079
Not Stewart.
223
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,639
Nan.
224
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,519
You're joking, aren't you?
Nan's here?
225
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,439
As I live and fucking breathe!
226
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,960
Oh, where the fuck is Geordie Kaz?
227
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,759
Who's Nan?
228
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,519
Mam's arch-nemesis.
229
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,839
They go way back,
but...it didn't end well.
230
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,479
Ee, why?
231
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,480
Let me tell you a little story,
Stewart.
232
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,239
Many moons ago,
they were like sisters.
233
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,479
They had this comedy double act,
234
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,839
and they'd go round to all
the working men's clubs together.
235
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,719
Mam had this catchphrase the
audiences couldn't get enough of.
236
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,439
And I turned around to him
and I said,
237
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,719
"Oh, I wouldn't mind a right
go on your banana!"
238
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,039
LAUGHTER
239
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,120
They were
making an absolute killing...
240
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,879
..until, one day, Mam showed up
to one of the gigs.
241
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:40,479
She walked in and, to her shock,
Nan was already onstage.
242
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,559
So I had this fella come
to do my plumbing in the house
243
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,839
the other day, right?
And that's not all.
244
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,279
Not like that, you cheeky beggar.
245
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,799
Nan had stolen Mam's catchphrase.
246
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,319
Ooh, sir, I wouldn't mind
a right go on your banana!
247
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,639
LAUGHTER
248
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,239
Why would she do that?
249
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,959
Mam thinks she was jealous cos she
was getting more laughs than her.
250
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:02,439
But all you need to know is, they
can never be left alone together.
251
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,839
Do you understand me, Stewart?
252
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,840
Ah, alreet?
Found her.
253
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,679
Hi, Mam.
254
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,679
You know, I actually prefer it
up here, Mam.
255
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,319
It's got a lot of charm.
256
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,599
We'll make it work, chick.
We always do.
257
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,319
Er, Kaz, did you find out anything
about the sound system for up here?
258
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,599
Oh, yeah, about that,
259
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,439
er, they don't have
a sound system for up here.
260
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:24,559
Huh?
261
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,679
What am I going to do about
me music?
262
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,279
Oh, that's all I need.
263
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,279
Would you run and get
my mobile karaoke machine
264
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,559
from the van, please, Kaz?
That'll have to do.
265
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,199
Oh, could this day get
any frigging worse?
266
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,079
Er, just to let you know,
the toilets up here are blocked,
267
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,879
so you're going to have to
get your audience to go downstairs
268
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,319
if they need to spend a penny.
269
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,720
SHE GROWLS
270
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,760
Welcome aboard. Cheers.
271
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,210
Need any help?
272
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,640
Yeah, if you don't mind, mate.
273
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,479
Welcome aboard. Welcome aboard.
274
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,530
Ta.
275
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,280
FART PARPS
276
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,279
The crowds were flooding in
to Mam's bingo,
277
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,559
and the energy was electric.
278
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,480
Welcome aboard!
279
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,959
Well, we're, er,
we're about to set sail.
280
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,880
Destination...
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: ..New York.
281
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,719
Anyone fancy a game of bingo?
282
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,079
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
283
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,519
Come on, you can do
better than that.
284
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,480
Anyone fancy a game of bingo?
285
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,239
Whilst Mam was slaying the house
down upstairs,
286
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:59,319
little did we know that, below deck,
something sinister was afoot.
287
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,079
Are you here for the Titanic drag
brunch?
288
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,640
This way.
289
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,440
SHE CACKLES
290
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,039
RASPING
291
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,359
The bingo was in full swing.
292
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,410
Legs 11...
293
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,039
SHE WOLF-WHISTLES
294
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,559
88.
295
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,079
I'm going for a piss.
296
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,879
Unfortunately, I was finding it hard
to concentrate on Mam's balls,
297
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,919
because Jack would not stop
flirting with me.
298
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,239
Sorry, he was flirting with you?
299
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,470
Are you questioning my judgment,
officer?
300
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,840
As I was saying,
Jack was in awe of me.
301
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,359
Where the fuck is everyone,
302
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,839
21.
303
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,599
And then Mam had an idea.
304
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,119
Oh, no! Look out, everyone!
305
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,759
Iceberg right ahead!
306
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:58,519
Wherever the iceberg hits
has to do a shot!
307
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,359
O-o-oh...
308
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,279
Oo-oo-ooh...
309
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,639
Uh-oh!
310
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,959
Looks like the shot iceberg has
found a victim.
311
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:12,199
Come on, everyone!
Down in one! Down in one!
312
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,839
ALL: Down in one!
313
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,359
Down in one!
314
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,039
Whoo!
315
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,479
MAN, DOWNSTAIRS: This is the best
party I've ever fucking been to!
316
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,559
CHEERING
317
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,799
MUSIC BLARES FROM DOWNSTAIRS
318
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,720
Er, just, um, talk amongst
yourselves for a minute.
319
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,599
What the hell's happened
to my audience?
320
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,319
I want you to go downstairs
and find out.
321
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,919
No probs, Mam. I'm on the case.
322
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:38,240
Thanks, chick.
323
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,239
Oh, I'm glad I found you, Stewart.
324
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,239
Mam's just told me to tell you to go
downstairs
325
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,470
to find out what's
happened to her audience.
326
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,200
OK.
327
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,840
'Ere, Jack, teach me
how to speak Scottish.
328
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,879
It's just English, pal,
wi' an accent.
329
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,320
"Is just Engsh, pile, wi' axen."
330
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,720
Such a beautiful language.
331
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,960
LIVELY MUSIC AND CHEERING
332
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,439
Anybody fancy a shot?!
333
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,320
CHEERING
334
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,039
Yeah! ALL CHANT: Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot!
335
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,159
Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot!
336
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,440
Watch out, everybody!
337
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,759
There's a fucking iceberg ahead!
338
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,719
CHEERING
339
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:50,319
ALL CHANT: Iceberg! Iceberg!
Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!
340
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,159
Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!
341
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,279
MAM: Baker's dozen. 60, isn't it,
Dickie?
342
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,519
CHANTING CONTINUES DOWNSTAIRS
343
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,079
Double brandy and coke,
please, mate.
344
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,839
Where's Mam's audience?
345
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,999
Funny you should mention it,
actually,
346
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,599
cos she's just asked me
to ask you if you wouldn't mind
347
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,959
going downstairs to try
and get them to come back up.
348
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,080
Oh, sound. I'm on it.
349
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,720
DICKIE CHUCKLES
350
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,199
Where the hell have you been?
351
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,039
I accidentally went downstairs,
and...
352
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,799
..well...
353
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,959
..I've seen things.
354
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840
What do you mean, "things"?
355
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,519
I can't explain.
356
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,960
All I know is...
357
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,640
..I need to go back down.
358
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,559
Neil?
359
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:44,720
Neil?!
360
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,920
MAM: Garden gate, number eight.
361
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,799
CHEERING DOWNSTAIRS
362
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,519
CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg!
Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!
363
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,080
Iceberg! Iceberg!
364
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,199
'Scuse me, mate?
365
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,799
There's bingo happening upstairs.
366
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:11,519
CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg! Iceberg!
Iceberg!
367
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,120
Sorry to interrupt, but you're
missing out on a cracking game of bingo.
368
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,519
CHANTING: Iceberg! Iceberg!
369
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,400
I'm not sure you're aware,
but there's bingo going on.
370
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,680
Eeh, what did I tell you?
371
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,240
This is absolutely amazing!
372
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:38,400
DANCE MUSIC BUILDS
373
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,960
Danny La Rue, 52.
374
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,759
I'm going to need another couple
of bottles of prosecco, flower!
375
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:55,960
Eeh, the bastards have drank me
dry downstairs!
376
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,680
Sorry to interrupt this...
377
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,439
..electrifying game of bingo,
378
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,159
but I just wanted to let everyone
know
379
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:15,400
there are free glasses of prosecco
downstairs for the next ten minutes.
380
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,410
Go on.
381
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,839
And I'm absolutely gagging
382
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:34,480
to extract one of your balls, Mam.
383
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,200
You don't mind...
384
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,399
..do you?
385
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,450
Ooh!
386
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,920
MENACINGLY: One fat lady...
387
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,440
BRIGHTLY: ..number eight.
388
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,199
MENACINGLY: Saggy old whore...
389
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,359
BRIGHTLY: ..34.
390
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,119
Built like a vending machine...
391
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,399
..17.
392
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,919
A speck of shit on me shoe...
393
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,079
..32.
394
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,919
Tits dragging on the floor...
395
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,399
..64.
396
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,119
BALLS dragging on the floor...
397
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,519
..74.
398
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:10,999
AIR HORN SOUNDS
399
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,799
Lip-sync battle time!
400
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,519
Yeah!
CHEERING
401
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:21,399
Any of you little fuckers brave
enough to battle me?
402
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,319
CROWD: Yeah!
403
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,279
Attention-seeking bitch!
404
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,719
I love lip-sync battles.
405
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,519
I'll do it!
406
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,079
Oh!
407
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,079
We have a victim.
408
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,880
CHEERING
409
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:40,359
And it looks like fucking
Jackie Stallone.
410
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,559
LAUGHTER
411
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,300
What's happened to Dickie's face?
412
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,599
AS JACKIE STALLONE: 'Ere, Jackie...
413
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:47,880
LAUGHTER
414
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,719
"Not suitable for human skin."
415
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,759
Not again, Uncle Dean,
you complete arsehole!
416
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,959
This is for you, Jack babes.
417
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,999
MUSIC: C'est La Vie
by B*Witched
418
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,839
CHEERING
419
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,280
# Ah-oh
420
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:06,999
# Hey, hey
421
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,720
# Ah-oh
422
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,040
# Ah-oh
423
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,279
# I say, hey, boy, sitting in your
tree
424
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,439
# Mummy always wants you to come
for tea
425
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,599
# Don't be shy,
straighten up your tie
426
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,719
# Get down from your treehouse
sitting in the sky
427
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,359
# I want to know just what to do
428
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,039
# Is it very big,
is there room for two?
429
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,279
# I got a house with windows
and doors
430
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,119
# I'll show you mine
if you show me yours
431
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:37,999
# Got to let me in,
hey, hey, hey... #
432
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,039
Thick as bricks, 26!
433
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,639
A washed-up has-been,
number 14.
434
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,999
Neck as wide as a tree,
93.
435
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:52,799
A haggard old bitch with freakishly
large feet and a big fat arse...
436
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,959
..six!
House!
437
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:59,519
Ooh! We have a winner, Mam.
438
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,520
And I'll tell you what...
439
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,799
..oh, I wouldn't mind a right
go on your banana...
440
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,799
ECHOING: ..banana...banana...
441
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:14,080
YOUNG NAN: Ooh! I wouldn't mind
a right go on your banana.
442
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,759
I said...
443
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:25,199
..I wouldn't mind a right go on
your banana!
444
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,559
MAM GRUNTS
445
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:27,760
What you going to do?
446
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,320
Hit me in front of your tiny
audience?
447
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,880
Outside. Now!
448
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,679
# Na na na ho
449
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:38,719
# C'est la vie
450
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,479
# Na na na hey
451
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,039
# Huh, huh, huh
452
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,879
# C'est la vie. #
453
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:48,079
CHEERING
454
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,399
HEAVY THUD
455
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,559
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
456
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,319
Oi, pack in yer yappin'!
457
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,439
Mam's outside with Nan...
458
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,919
..alone!
459
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,720
SHOCKED GASPS
460
00:22:57,011 --> 00:23:01,159
Tell me why you're doing this!
Doing what?!
461
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,639
Why you stole my audience.
462
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,439
Why did you steal my catchphrase?
463
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,279
I never stole your audience.
464
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,559
Maybe they just decided
to have a day at home.
465
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,079
And it was never your catchphrase.
466
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,959
We were a double act.
467
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,479
It was our catchphrase.
468
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,000
Oh, you're a liar! You...
469
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:22,479
Tell me the truth, or I'll spray
this in your crusty old face -
470
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,079
why are you so obsessed with me?
471
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,879
Obsessed?! Come off it, Mam.
472
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,279
I mean, look at yourself.
473
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,200
Who'd ever be obsessed with you?
474
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:36,800
OK...
475
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,879
..maybe I did steal your audience.
476
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:40,999
I knew it!
477
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,040
But I did it because...
478
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,640
..I miss you.
479
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,840
Eh?! I miss you!
480
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,080
And I just wanted to
be around you again.
481
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:57,159
I knew you wouldn't ever agree
to a gig with me,
482
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,120
so the only way I could spend time
with you was to...
483
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,800
..hijack your event.
484
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,040
I had no idea.
485
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,120
I mean, that's quite unhinged,
chick.
486
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,200
I'm sorry, Mam.
487
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:19,440
I'll leave now...
488
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,600
..and let you finish your show.
489
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:34,520
NAN CHUCKLES MANIACALLY
490
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,959
I knew you'd fall for that,
you gullible old cow!
491
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:42,079
What?!
492
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:46,279
I never stole your gig
cos I miss you.
493
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,239
I was just bored as fuck!
494
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,560
You evil...!
495
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,199
Nan, noooo!
496
00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,919
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
497
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,120
INAUDIBLE
498
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,400
LOUD SPLASH, ONLOOKERS GASP
499
00:25:24,401 --> 00:25:27,399
Our Stewart, stop pissing about!
500
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,439
What are we going to do?
501
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,799
Don't worry, the current should
carry him back to the Boro.
502
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,159
Er, no, it'll take him to Stockton!
503
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:38,279
Actually, lads, this current flows
directly to the North Sea.
504
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,479
THEY GASP
505
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:43,599
ALL: STEWART!
506
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,800
And we never saw him again.
507
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:50,559
You know, as irritating as he was,
508
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,999
I'm going to miss that annoying
little shitstick.
509
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,919
Sorry, who are you talking about?
510
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,359
Stewart.
511
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,799
Stewart Park?
He drowned, officer.
512
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:00,839
Keep up.
513
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,519
Er, no, he didn't.
514
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,000
He's sat right there.
515
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:06,999
Ah, yes.
516
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,760
The river rat lives to
fight another day.
517
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,999
Fancy some more prosecco?
518
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,399
I nabbed a couple
of bottles from Nan.
519
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:17,960
Wouldn't say no, like.
520
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:23,920
BOTH: Cheers.
521
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,439
CAR HORN HONKS
522
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,719
Sal!
523
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:34,840
Haway in the car!
524
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,079
Gorra go.
Who's that?
525
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,639
HONKING CONTINUES
Sal!
526
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,039
Well, she's...
527
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,440
..actually my girlfriend.
528
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,799
Oh, right.
529
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,399
You best be getting back
to her, then.
530
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,519
ENGINE REVS
531
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,239
SAL!
532
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,639
What the frig are you doing, you
divvy?
533
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,880
Haway!
534
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,399
HONKING CONTINUES
535
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,319
I need you to get me a kebab.
536
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,520
I'm frigging starving.
537
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,400
Wasting away over 'ere.
538
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,240
ENGINE REVS
539
00:27:10,931 --> 00:27:15,519
MAM: You've got an arse like an open
suitcase!
540
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,039
NAN: You sack of shit!
541
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,999
You've got big
balls like a space hopper!
542
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,800
Hiya, Stewart.
543
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,719
Look, I just wanted to let you know,
544
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,199
I thought it was really,
really brave what you did.
545
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,479
I mean jumping in the river
dressed as an iceberg,
546
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,519
all in the name of drawing
attention to the melting ice caps.
547
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,599
Oh, no...
You could have died.
548
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:36,679
Er, Jack, I think...
549
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,280
Listen. Can I, er...
550
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,840
Can I give you my number?
551
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,160
You don't have to contact me,
but if you ever fancy a drink...
552
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,159
Er... I...
I'd love that, yeah.
553
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:53,480
Would you like to give ME
your number, Jack?
554
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:56,439
No.
555
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,119
No, I wouldn't.
556
00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,119
Not until you start taking
the environment seriously
557
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,879
and stop using single-use
plastic bottles.
558
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,240
Sorry, babe.
559
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,640
WATER SPLASHES
560
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:19,720
PLAINTIVE WHISTLE PLAYS
561
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,640
What the fuck has happened
to my face?!
562
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,520
MUSIC: C'est La Vie
by B*Witched
563
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:32,759
# Hey, hey
564
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:34,639
# Na na na hey
565
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,079
# Na na na ho
566
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,799
# Na na na hey
567
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,279
# Huh, huh, huh, huh
568
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,479
# Say you will, say you won't
569
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:45,639
# Say you'll do what I don't
570
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,759
# Say you're true, say to me,
571
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,920
# Wanna say "C'est la vie"... #
572
00:28:49,970 --> 00:28:54,520
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