Original subtitles

Oh, come on. - Oh, oh...

- ALL: - Come on! Come on!

Oh! Oh!

- ALL CHEER

- This programme contains strong language and adult humour

- How is it even possible you've never seen Bargain Hunt, Stewart?

- We don't have a TV at home.

What? What are you staring at?

- We're just not connecting with the words that just came out your mouth.

- We just never had a TV in the house.

My grandma didn't really...

- Sorry to interject, Stew,

but does that mean you've never watched Home And Away?

Or The One Show? Or Four In A Bed?

Or Undercover Boss? Or Robson Green's Weekend Escapes?

- DOORBELL CHIMES

- Ooh. Who the hell's that?

- It all makes sense now.

That's why you come across as an unhinged sociopath.

And probably explains why your skin's so flaky.

- Hiya.

- I thought you were on your date tonight.

- Eeh, my God, it was an absolute disaster.

- What happened, chick?

- Well, when I turned up, I thought, "Hubba-fucking-hubba."

He was absolutely stunning.

Jaw like a rugby ball.

So I thought to myself, "Here we go, this is the one.

"This is my prince."

- So what went wrong?

- He opened his mouth.

Turns out he's just another creep.

What is it about me that just attracts creeps?

- Hey, it's got nothing to do with you, chick.

- 'Ere, what happened to Carbonara Neil?

- Well, he's not usually my type,

but I thought to meself, "No, Lucinda,

"you always go for dickheads,

"so give this little weird lad a chance."

Plus we've got a lot in common since we've both got PhDs in astrophysics.

So I text him the other day.

He didn't reply.

Proper ghosted me.

- You're joking, aren't you?!

He ghosted you? What a little ballbag.

- What the hell is wrong with me?

- Oi!

You are an absolutely stunning, funny, sensational woman,

and I don't want some arsehole, creepy man

to ever make you feel like you're not worth the world.

Do you understand me?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

- ALL: - Yes, Mam.

- Good.

Oh! You know what you need?

A fairy godmother.

- My God, if only.

- MAM CHUCKLES

- Right, chaps, I'd best be off.

- Well, I'd best be off, as well.

Got work in the morning.

HE GRUNTS

- Oh... - 'Scuse me, Stewart. Sorry.

Sorry, 'scuse me.

Haway then, Sal. You coming?

- Ta-ra, chicks.

- Hey, are we watching Bargain Hunt?

- WHISPERS: - Stewart's never seen it.

- What the actual fuck? What's wrong with you, Stewart?

- # When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel. #

- And so, for everyone here at Teesside Revenue, Insurance

and Sales Handling, I'm pleased to inform you that...

..the projected figures for this year

are looking relatively promising.

So, well done, Team TRISH.

- HE CHUCKLES

- Now, before you all start celebrating,

there are a few recommendations

that I think you're going to find quite interesting.

- So, if we look at some of these ...

WHISPERS: - How was your weekend?

Are you still crying every second of every day

over breaking up with Harrison?

- Do you know what, Moira? I'm not.

I'm in a much better place.

I think I can finally get that sweaty, worthless

little shit rag of a man out of my mind and move on.

- I'm sat right here.

Stop going round calling me a shit rag.

- ..we've got to analyse our own externals

as well as everybody else's...

- I know you can hear me.

- Can you be quiet, please, Senor Shit Rag?

I'm trying to listen to Marcus. He's got some very interesting points.

- ..by readdressing the strategic proposals

that the commission have set out.

Any questions? Ah, yes, Elaine?

- I had a stack of orange post-its on my desk, and now they're gone.

Has anybody taken them?

- Um, I think we can get you some more post-it notes, Elaine.

Any other questions? No? Well, enjoy your days.

- Er, er...

BELL TINKLES

Just before everybody shoots off,

I just want to remind you all about my meeting

for the LGBTQ+ network this afternoon.

I need to get a sense of numbers,

so if you could respond to the email I sent, that would be stunning.

The only reply I've had so far is an out of office from Liz,

and she died two years ago.

- Eeh, I've gorra tell you this, Brenda.

I completely put me foot in it the other day.

You know Janine who works in Argos?

- Oh, yes. - Well, she was in having her lashes tinted.

She had something on her chin.

Looked like a big old bit of dried gravy,

and if I had a big old bit of dried gravy on my chin

and nobody told me, I'd be absolutely mortified.

So I says, "You've a bit of dried gravy on your chin, Janine."

She says, "Nah, hon, it's actually a verruca."

I was so embarrassed.

- I thought you could only get verrucas on your feet.

- That's what I said.

Apparently she's a medical marvel.

I says, "Have you got some Bazuka for that verruca, Janine?"

She says no, cos she wants to keep it

so she can try and get an interview in Take A Break.

- Ooh! Right.

What are these onions meant to be doing, then, Lucinda?

- They've got antioxidants in them, hon,

which may protect your cells against free radicals,

which may play a role in heart disease, cancer,

and other diseases, hon. - Is it meant to be burning?

- I think that means it's working.

- DISTANT BUGLE HORN

- I won't be a minute, hon.

- BUGLE HORN

- Eeh, my God!

- STEWART CLEARS THROAT

- Your carriage awaits, princess.

- What the hell is this?!

- Well, I said you needed a fairy godmother

to help you find your prince.

Here I am!

Eeh, I've lined you up a couple of dates,

and they're both absolute beauties.

Haway, my lady.

Climb aboard.

- FANFARE

- Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!

- PLAYS NOTE

- # La-a-a-a! #

- FROM NEXT ROOM: - Oi! Haway in 'ere.

- COMMENTATOR: Big chance at the other end.

A great effort, but that was...

- What the fuck are you doing in there?

I can't hear myself think.

I've had to put the subtitles on the telly.

- Just practising my audition song.

- What the frig are you auditioning for now?

I thought you'd given up all that poncey shite

after being rejected from that musical for the 74th time.

What was it called again?

- Ant And Dec: The Musical.

- Fuck me, they'll make a musical out of any old shite these days.

- It's actually for a competition.

I thought I might give it a go.

Written a couple of new songs, and I feel a bit more confident this time.

- Oh, babe, haway. Open your eyes.

There's confidence, yeah? And then there's just...

..downright delusion.

And I'm only being honest with you, babe,

because I love you and I don't want people laughing at you.

- Thanks, babe.

Well, I'll try and keep it down.

- COMMENTATOR: A lovely one there from Webster,

right down the left-hand side into the channel,

and he hit a left-foot rocket...

QUIETER, QUAVERING NOTE

- # La! #

- I can still fucking hear you!

- SQUEAKING

Urgh! - What's the matter?

- I'm getting zero replies for my LGBTQ+ network meeting.

It's proper pissing me off now.

- Please don't shout at me, madam.

I know it's frustrating.

Please don't call me a useless turd cretin, madam.

- STIFLED LAUGHTER

- And she's hung up.

- What was her beef, mate? Time of the month?

- Er, yeah, probably, mate.

- Guten Morgen, Harrison. Guten Morgen, Trevor.

- It's Trev. - I'm just jotting down the names of people

coming to my LGBTQ+ network meeting this afternoon,

and I've not had a reply from either of you.

So can I pop you down as a yes?

- No, mate. Sorry.

Not into all of that woke bollocks.

Plus aren't you the only gay fella in the office?

- Eh? What you on about, Trev?

Harrison's literally sat opposite you,

and he's a proper little arse bandit.

- Are you gay, mate?

- I am, yeah, mate.

- Fuck me.

I thought you were straight.

Hey, fair play, mate. You hide it well.

- Oh, cheers, fella.

- "Fella"? - Hang on, didn't I see you kissing some fit blonde lass

the other month?

- That fit blonde lass was me, actually, Trevor.

- Well, nah, mate. Sorry.

You're never going to recruit me.

I'm always going to be a vagitarian.

- Ugh. No-one's trying to recruit you, Trevor.

- It's Trev.

- Harrison, popped a little gay tick next to your little gay name,

so I'd better see you there, please.

HE CLEARS THROAT

- Here, Harris.

You seen this one?

- It's Harrison. - Harris, right, watch.

I'll get it up for you.

It's the one of the woman falling into the swimming pool.

Ready? Right, here you go.

- SPLASH

HE LAUGHS

- Oh, she hits her head on the railings!

Oh, you see...!

Oh, she's bleeding!

Oh, it's great! Honestly!

- HE LAUGHS

Hi, Elaine, babes. You OK?

- Moira.

Where did you get those post-its?

- The stationery cupboard.

- They look very similar to the ones that were on my desk.

- I guess some post-its do tend to look like other post-its.

- Hmm.

- Don't you think Elaine looks a little bit like Michelle Visage?

- I can't really see it, to be honest.

- DUMMY: - Dickhead.

- Right, everyone, listen up.

My name is Victor Starbright,

and I am the head judge at North East's Got Talent.

Now, you're going to have to excuse the bags under me eyes,

because I've travelled from Newcastle to be here

in the beautiful shithole that is Middlesbrough,

and the jet lag is kicking in.

Now, as you all know, the winner of the competition

gets a year's supply of ham, so bring your A-games.

- Is anyone sitting 'ere?

- Erm, I wouldn't have thought so.

- So...what's your talent?

- Erm, singing and that.

What about you?

- Playing guitar.

And that.

YELLS: - Right, which one of you thieving Smoggie bastards

has stolen my fountain pen?!

This is why I detest coming to Middlesbrough.

You can't fart round here without someone nicking it.

Ah... Oh.

Oh, there it is.

- OPERA PLAYS

What the...?

- And then the log flume went down the steep bit,

and we got absolutely drenched. - MAM LAUGHS

- What about you, Stewart?

Where did you lose your virginity?

- Well, I've not really had that much experience in the bedroom,

to be honest, Mam.

- I would have thought a good-looking fella like yourself

would be batting them off.

- I just ...

I haven't really been out the closet that long.

In fact, I'm only really out to you guys.

- What about your parents?

- Oh, they died when I was younger.

- Sorry to hear that, chick.

- So I grew up with my grandma.

- And she doesn't know?

- Nah.

I wouldn't want to cause her any more stress.

I'm just happy her not knowing I'm gay.

- My eyes are up here, you pervert.

Eeh. What were you saying, Stewart?

- Oh, no way! That's so funny!

I'm the same!

- The thing about me is, erm, I'm a family man, me, like.

- Oh, my God, me too!

- I think it's really important

to find someone with strong family values.

I just love my family. I do.

- Oh, so do I!

- I always go round to me mam's every Tuesday for a Sunday roast.

She does cracking Yorkshire puds.

- Oh, does she?

- Yeah, I do.

- Erm, who's had some of my grated cheese?

- Oh, sorry. I thought it was communal.

- What part of this label suggests it's communal, Gary?

I'm on a very specific diet, Gary,

and as part of said diet, the only thing I can eat

between the hours of 12.00 and 2.00 is grated cheese.

Do you want me to starve, Gary?

- Sorry, Dickie.

I couldn't see the label.

Just had me cataracts removed.

- Stop playing the victim, Gary!

- Do you think this milk is off?

- SNIFFS

I think it's good for another day or two, babes.

'Ere, Elaine.

Are you coming to my LGBTQ+ network meeting later on?

- I would love that, but it's Fiona from HR's birthday

and she brought in a caterpillar cake, so ...

- Oh. Well, enjoy it.

Simon, are you coming to my LGBTQ+ network meeting later on?

WHISPERS: - What nauseating posture.

It's a no today, sweetheart,

but, er...thanks for coming in.

- Didn't want your ham anyway.

- Fuck me, these Middlesbrough contestants,

they're worse than they usually are.

Frida fucking Kahlo, as I live and fucking breathe.

What are you looking for, sweetheart? Your tweezers?

- I thought...

It said there'd be a pianist.

- Unfortunately, our pianist had a dodgy curry last night.

It's coming out of both ends, apparently.

So unless you brought a backing track,

you're going to have to go a cappella, I'm afraid.

- SHE CLEARS THROAT

- # Behind... #

- Thank you.

- WHISPERS: - I just don't think she looks like a star.

- FURTHER WHISPERING

- It's a no today, sweetheart.

Thanks for coming in.

- Haway, lads, give us a chance.

It sounds much better with a backing track, I promise you.

- Unfortunately there's no way of us knowing that, is there, gorgeous?

Cos you haven't got a backing track.

- I've got the sheet music.

- Yeah, and like I just said,

the woman who reads the sheets has got the shits.

So where does that leave us, gorgeous?

- I could play it on my guitar.

- Oh, God, here's another one stuck her forehead in a bowl of slugs.

- You don't have to do that, mate. - It's OK, I don't mind.

- All right, nice, lovely.

Get on with it, will you?

- SHE PLAYS

- # Behind picket fences

# On cul-de-sac roads

# That dampened your spirit

# For why you just didn't know... #

- Thank you.

She just doesn't look like a star.

I am looking for the whole package.

- We're going to have to put somebody through to the next round.

You've said no to everyone so far.

- Fine!

OK, well, you're through to the judges' houses.

- Yes! Thanks, mate.

- NEXT!

- HE CLAPS

- Stop doing that. It looks terrible.

- Employees of TRISH,

welcome to the first-ever LGBTQ+ network meeting!

Please put your hands together for Dickie!

Fuck's sake.

- Sorry, Dickie, have I got the right time?

- Yeah, hon, but no bugger's shown.

I'm just going to cancel the whole bloody network. There's no point.

TUTS: - That would be such a shame.

Actually, Dickie, do you mind if I ask you something?

- Yeah, course, hon.

- It's about me son, Ollie.

What it is, is...

Well, I walked in on him the other day,

and he was watching something on his iPad.

- Right.

What was it?

- Nah. No, maybe I shouldn't say.

It doesn't... - Haway, Marcus, you can't do that to me.

Give us the goss.

What did you catch the little pervert watching?

- Right.

It was...

Well, it was Elaine Paige's top 40 greatest musical performances.

It was seven and a half hours long.

- Oh.

I... I see.

- And I found this under his bed.

You know, I'm thinking he might be...

- Mm, not necessarily, babes.

- And I caught him kissing a boy.

- Ah.

Right. Yeah.

That certainly sounds like non-heterosexual behaviour, so...

- Right.

OK. Yeah, sure.

Just one more question.

- Mm?

- What do I do?

- You know what, Marcus?

I've got the perfect thing for a situation like this.

I'll bring it over to you on my next fag break.

- I didn't know you smoked.

- I don't.

- NEXT!

- I don't really know what to say, mate.

- Ah, you don't need to say anything.

I was happy to help.

Did you write that song yourself?

- Yeah, I did, aye.

- It's really beautiful.

Just like you.

Er...

..I'll see you soon to rehearse for judges' houses.

Ta-ra, then.

TRICKLING

- Here you go, Mam.

- I still can't get over the size of Karl's schlong.

Have you ever seen one that big, Stewart?

- Eeh!

Don't think I have.

- Ah! Isn't nature marvellous?

- How old were you when you came out, Mam?

- Ugh. Too old, chick.

I don't regret much in life,

but one thing I'll never forgive meself for is coming out so late.

- Right. - Fucking hard living as someone else for that long.

I tell you what, though, chick.

I'm making up for lost frigging time now.

- MAM CHUCKLES

- Oh!

Ah!

- And so I was laser-removing this woman's moustache hair,

and the poor lass sneezed, and I zapped off half her eyebrow as well.

- That sounds like a hairy situation!

- So what is it that you do for work?

- Well, actually, I'm a dentist.

- Eeh, no way! - Mm.

- So do you just walk around judging people's teeth?

- I suppose I probably do, subconsciously.

I will say, though, you have very beautiful teeth.

- Oh, thank you very much.

I grew 'em meself.

- You're not going to believe this,

but Karl the horse is pissing on the exact spot

where I had my first-ever kiss.

- You had your first kiss round the back of Kwik Fit?

- Well, back in the day, chick, this was all farmland.

- I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink after this?

- I would absolutely love that.

But I've got to get back to me girlfriend.

She's cooking me tagliatelle tonight.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Right, Marcus.

I've thrown a few bits and pieces together,

so you can have a flick through and see if any of it's helpful.

You'll see that the first few pages are the lyrics

to some well-known songs from musicals,

in case he's having a little sing-song and you fancy joining in.

Then we get onto the heavier stuff.

I've written a few scripts of how to react when he comes out to you.

"I'll always love you, no matter what," that kind of thing.

You don't have to use them, but they're there for reference.

Then towards the end, you'll see I've popped in a list of gay bars

and clubs in case you fancy taking him for a pint and poppers.

How old is he again?

- 15.

- Right, you might want to keep that one aside for a couple of years.

- Dickie, I don't know what to say.

This is so kind of you.

- Don't be daft, babes. I'm only doing me job.

- Your job is actually revenue, insurance, and sales handling.

You do know that, don't you?

- Heh.

Yeah, course.

- I do appreciate this, though.

Thank you.

And do you know what?

I don't think you should give up on the network.

- Well, we'll see.

Right, I'd better get back to that revenue, insurance, and scaly hands.

- It's sales handling.

- What is?

- Oh, I just can't be arsed any more, hon.

I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I think maybe I should just admit defeat.

- You know, Lucinda, the one thing I've learned about you

in the short time I've known you is that you radiate pure love.

You're essentially like a love radiator,

and your thermostat is constantly on high.

There's no doubt in my mind

somebody special will come and warm his hands on you soon.

- You have a lovely way with words, Stewart.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Course you can, hon.

- Do you really have a PhD in astrophysics?

- Yeah, hon.

I'm completely obsessed with cosmological gravitational radiation

and the phenomenology of the early universe.

- See you later, sweetheart!

Ha!

- Does he normally talk to you like that?

- Oh, I get it all the time, babes.

It's part of the course, unfortunately.

- You shouldn't have to deal with it.

- Oh, don't worry about me.

I've dealt with far worse than that big old barrel of bin juice.

- Well, listen, if you need anything for your gay network,

you just let me know, OK?

- Oh, cheers, Marcus.

You OK, babes?

- I'm just a bit anxious about our Ollie.

I don't want him to be treated any differently when he comes out.

He hasn't got the strength that you've got.

I just want him to have a normal life.

- What is normal anyway?

I'd say us queers are very normal.

We're the same as you, in many ways.

We get up and get dressed - just like you.

We have our breakfast -

jam roly-poly with toasty soldiers - just like you.

We go to work, just like you,

and then we come home and have our dinners -

jam roly-poly with gravy - just like you.

And I know you've probably got some wild ideas

about what we get up to outside of work, Marcus,

but I can assure you we live very normal, boring lives -

just like you.

Oh, my ride's here, so...

Ta-ra.

See you tomorrow, Marcus.

- Woohoo! Yeah!

- I'm buzzing for you getting through to judges' houses, Sal!

- Cheers, babe.

- Lucinda!

- Is that Neil?

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

That's all I need. - Lucinda!

- Piss off, Carbonara.

You had your chance with her.

- I need to speak to you.

- Well, I don't want to speak to you, hon. On your way.

- You heard the lady. On your way.

- Oh, please.

- On your way, Neil!

- My shoe!

- You ghosted me, Neil. No more chances.

- Can you please stop throwing shoes at me?

I can explain everything.

I swear down I didn't mean to ghost you.

I dropped me phone when I was skydiving.

- No offence, Neil, but that sounds like a barefaced lie.

- No, I'm being serious.

Look.

- Oh, wow! - Oh, my God...

- Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

- That's really impressive. - Like a butterfly. - Amazing, that!

- If I could have text you...

..I would have asked if...

..you wanted to maybe finish that date we started,

finish our conversation about how gamma radiation can affect

intraocular cellular proliferation.

- Bloody hell, Neil, keep it in your pants.

THEY GASP

It fits!

- I suppose so.

ALL CHEER

- Woohoo-hoo-hoo!

- I will just say this, though, Neil.

If you ever hurt our Lucinda in any way,

we will slice you up into pieces like an onion.

Are we clear?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- Onion?

Oh, my God. Brenda.

- I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if there's one going, Lucinda.

MUSIC: Push N Shuv by Lava La Rue

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0