Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

- Welcome back to Tees Talk FM, and guess what, Middlesbrough?

We've just been voted the sexiest industrial town

in the whole of the UK. Can you Smoggies believe that?

I mean, this old town isn't to everyone's taste.

Kirstie and Phil called it a right shithole.

But guess what, Kirstie and Phil?

It's our shithole!

And if you're off on the town tonight,

here's a little something to get you right in the mood.

- Keep the change, hon.

MUSIC: Hair by Little Mix

- Oi! This is a fiver.

Come back here! Oi!

- # Let's go

- # I call my girl cos I got a problem

# Only a curl is gonna solve it

# Man, I don't really care

# Just get him out my hair... #

DOORBELL RINGS

- Hiya, chick. - Hiya, Mam.

'Ere, you look stunning.

- Oh, shush, you. Come 'ere. - BOTH: - Mwah! Mwah!

- How are you? All right?

- Oh, I'm having a 'mare, to be honest. - Oh.

- Yeah, I'm wanting to wear this dress tonight,

so I tried to gaffer tape my dick up my arse.

I've been sweating like a dog. Gaffer keeps peeling off.

- Oh, have you tried sticky-back plastic?

- Last time I tried that, I sat on my nephew's hamster.

Didn't realise. Little bastard was stuck to me gooch

for the whole night. Haway in.

- Hiya. Yous all right?

- Not really, Dickster, to be honest. I've got nits.

- Not again. They love your hair, don't they?

- Yeah, it's nit city on her fucking scalp.

- Where'd you get them from this time?

- TK Maxx. - Eee, well, I got a shock when I found out.

I was sat watching Homes Under the Hammer earlier,

then I hear my phone going off in the other room

and it's her on the other end saying for me

to bring my nit comb to Mam's tonight cos she's infested again.

- Why don't you buy your own nit comb, Sal? - I'm skint, babe.

- Aww! I'll get you one for your birthday.

- Seen a lot of action, this nit comb.

Angela who lives down the road asked me to do her kid's nits

the other week. I was there for two sodding hours

trying to get the little gadgies out.

She's lovely, Angela, but by God she's ugly, bless her.

- Haway then, I'm gagging for a drink. What we having?

- I have just secreted a fresh batch of Mam's juice!

- Oh! - Come on.

Cheers, queers. - Cheers. - Cheers.

- Oh, my God!

It's disgusting. - Bad that, like. - God. Ugh!

Oh, you look absolutely stunning tonight, Dickie Bird.

- Yeah, I know, hon. I'm sick of hearing it, to be honest.

Right, can I use your boudoir for a quick spritz, Mam? - Course, chick.

- Thank you.

Who the fuck are you?

- Oh, hiya.

I'm Stewart.

- Who the fuck is Stewart? - Eee, I forgot he was there.

He's a little baby gay.

I met him on a night out the other week.

Yeah, sat all on his own, poor little bairn.

He's coming out on the lash with us tonight.

- Fuck's sake.

Right, haway. Shove up, Stewart.

My name's Dickie, but tonight you can call me Tuna.

- Tuna? - Tuna Baguette.

What's your drag name?

- I don't have one yet. I've only just started doing it.

- You've got to have a drag name, Stewart.

Haway, let me have a look at you.

I've got it.

Pam Ratface.

- Um, I'm not really sure about that, to be honest.

- OK. What about Tracy Ratface?

- Oh.

- You look like a rat. - Sorry? - Nothing.

- Right, you little bum boys, get these down you.

- Thanks, Mam. - Cheers.

Fucking hell!

- What's in that, Mam? - That'd be telling.

- 'Ere, I'm buzzing for tonight, me. - Me too.

Are you going to have a dance, Stewart?

- I might do, yeah. - Aww! I love that about you.

- I'm an amazing dancer, Stewart.

I applied for Britain's Got Talent a couple of years ago.

- Oh, right. How did you get on?

- Really well.

I got an email back from them saying that the application

had been received, so...

Have you managed to stick your willy up your arse yet, Mam?

- I put some self-adhesive strips up there.

Seem to be doing the trick.

- Oh, I'm made up for you.

- So I'm going to go and meet this date in a bit, and then I'll come

and meet yous all after, so will you text me where yous end up?

- Aye, no probs, darl.

What's he like, then, this lad? Is he fit or is he ugly?

- Oh, my God, Sal, he's absolutely stunning.

Here, I'll show you a picture.

His name's Neil.

- God, he's a buff lad, like.

- Well, at first I thought he looked a bit too good to be true,

but after speaking with him he seems dead genuine.

Plus he's got a gorgeous set of dick pics.

Each photo is a different size and colour.

Must have a very versatile willy.

- He looks a bit familiar.

Does he live near me? - No, he lives in Hartlepool.

At first I thought, eee, my God, I can't date

someone from Hartlepool, because it would be long-distance,

but then I said to myself, "No, Lucinda, love has no limits."

Also, I'm really horny.

Do you think I've got enough eyeliner on?

- The problem with your make-up, Stewart,

is that you're just not very good at it.

- Oh.

Really?

- Yeah. If I'm being totally honest, hon, you look like raw sewage.

- Oh.

Right.

So, how long have you been doing drag for, then?

- That'd give my age away, hon.

LAUGHS

- Why? How old are you, like?

- A lady never reveals her age.

I do get loads of comments on how young I look, though.

If you were to guess, Stewart, how old would you say I am?

- Eee, I'm not sure. - Go on, Stewart.

Have a guess. I won't be offended.

- Um...38?

Oh!

- What have you done to your nose, Stewart?

- That was my fault, I'm afraid.

He said he thought I look 38.

- Why would you say that when he's only 37?

- Sal! How the fuck do you know my real age?

That's not public knowledge!

- Saw it on your driving licence when I was rooting through your wallet.

- And why were you rooting through my wallet? - Needed some cash.

- I don't use cash any more.

I'm a contactless queen these days.

- Yeah, I know. I just used one of your cards instead.

- Hi, queens.

So, what goss have I missed?

What's happened to your nose, Stewart?

- Stewart says Dickie looks 38 when he's actually 37.

- Why would you say something like that?

- I'm not really sure, to be honest.

- How old would you say I looked, Stewart?

- Eee, what have you done to your nose, Stewart?

- Stewart said Dickie looked 38.

- Well, that's not a very nice thing to say when he's only 37.

- OK, can everyone just shut the fuck up now, please?!

Thank you! - Well, I'd best get off to my date.

- 'Ere, which one's this now? - It's a new one. He's called Neil.

- Oh, give us a look at his dick pics, then. - Hmm.

- Oh! - That's a really juicy cock, that, like.

- I think he might have a bit of money to his name.

He's taking me to an Italian restaurant in Yarm. - Yarm?

- Oh, get to fuck! - Richard bloody Branson. - Posh.

- Right, well, I'll see yous in a bit, then. Love yous.

- Ta-ra, chick. - Ta-ra, then. Bye-bye. - See you later, Lucinda.

- Right, taxi's going to be here in 20 minutes,

so get your glad rags on, and let's get on it!

- THEY CHEER

- I'm going to shake me booty!

- Have you got a boyfriend, Stewart?

- No. - Aww!

- What about you?

- You'll meet him in a bit. He's coming out.

His name's Harrison and he's the love of my pigging life.

Have you ever had an emotional connection with someone so deep

that it penetrates your arsehole?

- I don't think so, no.

I'm a top.

- I'm not talking a physical arsehole, Stewart.

I'm talking emotional.

A metaphorical arsehole.

- I'm not really sure what you're on about, to be honest.

- You're only young, hon. You'll learn.

I'm also really young, despite the vicious rumours.

But mentally, I'm older than my years.

- Well, it sounds like you've got a lovely relationship.

- Lovely doesn't cut it, hon.

He's proper infatuated with me, to be honest.

# When the rain is blowing In your face

# And the whole world Is on your case

# I could offer you a warm embrace

# To make you feel my love. #

- Oh. I love that song.

It was played at my nan's funeral.

- # When the evening shadows And the stars appear

# And there is no-one else To dry your tears

# I could hold you For a million years

# To make you feel my love. #

That's mine and Harrison's song.

- # I know you haven't Made your mind up yet... #

- Aargh! - What's wrong? What is it?

- The sound of your voice scared the shit out of me.

- Oh. - Yeah, I really think you should never sing

ever again, actually, Stewart. DOORBELL

Oh, talk of the devil. That'll be Harrison.

Wait till you meet him, Stewart.

- Oh, I can't wait. - You'll be jealous as fuck.

- Yeah, I managed to jam the self-adhesives right up my crack.

I'm hoping that when I take them off later

they'll have given me a bit of a wax, you know.

It's like the Amazon rainforest down there at the moment.

- Oh, right, yeah.

- Hiya, baby. - I'll see you in there. - Are you coming in?

- Actually, um, would you mind just stepping outside a second?

I need to talk to you.

- Why do you sound all serious and that? - Well, it's just that...

- Hi, Harrison. - You all right, Sal?

- I've had nits again. - Oh.

Um, sorry to hear that.

Sal, I need to have a quick word with Dickie, if you don't mind.

- Oh, yeah, hon, say no more.

- Er, Dickie, can we just go somewhere private a minute?

- Oh, say what you've got to say here, you big weirdo.

You're not pregnant, are you?

DICKIE LAUGHS

Did you hear what I said?

I said, "You're not pregnant, are you?"

DICKIE LAUGHS

- I'm breaking up with you.

- LAUGHS LOUDLY

I don't really get the joke, but you do make me laugh.

- Sorry, I didn't want to tell you like this, but...

- Are you being serious?

You can't do this to me, Harrison.

You're literally my everything.

- Sorry, Dickie. We're finished.

- I've given you the world! Why are you doing this to me?

- I really tried to love you,

but you're just a selfish, egotistical prick,

and it's starting to grate on me, to be honest. - How am I selfish?

I literally paid for you for Gran Canaria. - I want more than

Gran Canaria. - Well, you've got Middlesbrough, haven't you?

- I want more than fucking Middlesbrough.

- What could you possibly need that you can't get in Middlesbrough?

Where else are you going to get a triple vodka lemonade for �1.50?

- Bye, Dickie. - Harrison, wait!

# When the rain Is blowing in your face

# And the whole world Is on your case

# I could offer you a warm embrace

TYRES SCREECH

- Taxi's here.

- MONITOR BEEPS

COUGHS

Where am I?

- It's all right, chick.

You're in hospital.

- Have yous been throwing Cheesy Puffs in my mouth again?

Please tell me I was having a nightmare

and that Harrison is still my boyfriend.

Oh! Please tell me I didn't lose my good wig.

- You weren't dreaming, unfortunately.

Harrison's gone, the big prick.

And, darl, that wig had to go.

The bloody thing stank of salmon teriyaki.

- I'm glad you're all right, Dickster.

- Me too, chick.

- And me.

- What the fuck are you doing here, Stewart?

I've literally only just met you.

- Oh, thank God you're OK.

We rushed here as soon as we could, didn't we, Neil? - Aye.

- This is Neil, everyone.

- All right? - Hiya, Neil, you all right?

- Fantastic set of dick pics.

- Oh, thanks very much. - 'Ere, I got a WhatsApp from Sal

saying Dickie's been flung over a car bonnet and he's in hospital.

I jumped out of my seat, didn't I, Neil? - Aye.

- I says to him, "Dickie's been flung over a bonnet."

And what was it you said? - "Who's Dickie?"

- "Who's Dickie?" That's right.

And so then Neil got his spaghetti carbonara to go

and we jumped in a cab and came straight here.

- I get sluggish if I don't eat.

- How are you feeling, hon?

- Yous are never going to believe this,

but when I was at death's door just then,

my soul floated up above my body,

and I saw myself lying here with all yous sat around me.

- Are you being serious?

- Deadly serious.

Also, when I was up there, I floated into the corridor

and saw Mam using a defibrillator on the vending machine.

- Well, I was gagging for a Twix.

- But something stopped me from going into the light.

Someone stopped me.

My dead nana spoke to me and said it wasn't my time yet.

- You saw your dead Nana Pat? How was she?

- She looked like death, to be honest.

- Did, er, dead Nana Pat mention anything about

the 20 quid she still owes me?

- No, she didn't mention it.

- Yeah, course she didn't, stingy old cow.

- What did she say? - That's where it went a bit muffled.

She was saying something about a fight, and Cheryl Cole.

I couldn't work it out.

What could dead Nana Pat have meant?

SLURPING

Honestly can't believe he's left me.

What am I going to do?

- You're going to hold your head up high, hon.

- You're going to be strong and fierce, chick.

- Yous are absolutely right.

I'm going to get through this with dignity and grace.

- Um, sorry to be the bearer of shite news, Dickster,

but I've just seen this.

- What the fucking hell?!

MONITOR EMITS STEADY BEEP

- Oh, thanks for coming.

Hello. - Hi, Mam.

- It's a difficult time for all of us.

There's some vol-au-vents inside.

- Where'd you get them from? - What?

- Your big old tits, babe.

- It was a doctor in Manchester.

- Can I have a squeeze?

- I'm not really comfortable with that, to be honest.

- What about just a very quick tap?

- OK, then.

- Can I have a tap as well, please?

- Well, if you must.

- TAPPING ON GLASS

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all of yous

for being here today, to mourn the death

of my relationship with Harrison.

As you know, I'm absolutely heart-broken

and unequivocally desecrated.

- He was on Thesaurus.com earlier.

- But do you know something?

My heart will go on.

PLAYS KUMBAYA, MY LORD

What are you doing?

- What do you mean?

- I told you to play My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion.

- I thought this was it. - It's Kumbaya, My Lord!

Just forget it.

Fuck's sake.

PLAYS KUMBAYA, MY LORD

- What a wonderful service.

- # Too much of anything Can make you sick

# Even the good can be a curse

# Makes it hard to know Which road to go down

# Knowing too much can get you hurt

# Is it better? Is it worse?

# Are we sitting in reverse?

# It's like we're going Backwards... #

- SIGHS

- # ..I know where I want this to go Driving fast but let's go slow

# What I don't wanna do is crash No... #

- You've got lovely eyeballs, Stewart. - Aww, thanks, Mam!

- Have you had some work done to them?

- Um, no, they're just my natural eyeballs.

- They're ever so piercing.

Do you, er, do you like my eyeballs, Stewart?

- Yeah, they're not bad, them, like.

- They're fake.

- # ..When it gets tough Gotta fight some more

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

- # If it's worth having It's worth fighting for... #

- What's the matter?

- Anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for.

That's what dead Nana Pat was trying to tell me!

I've gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love.

She loved Chezza.

- Are you sure you're OK, chick? You don't need a lie down

after all that Prosecco and vol-au-vents?

- Mam, where's your Toyota Yaris?

- I sold it to buy an ice cream van.

- Why? - I like ice cream.

- Are you sober enough to drive?

- I've only had a lemonade, blackcurrant and soda

with a slice of lime and a dash of dandelion and burdock. Why?

- I need to get to Whitby, ASAP.

- Operation Let's Get Dickie's Fella Back is officially under way.

What's the plan, chick?

- So, we're looking for Harrison and his new whore.

This is what they're wearing.

They're also carrying a big fuck-off balloon so we can't miss 'em.

- How will we know where to find them, Dickie?

- He's just posted this on his story.

- I'm in Whitby with this one and I'm shitting myself,

cos he's told me he's only gone and booked something proper scary

at 6.30 and he won't tell us what it is.

Haway, come on, tell us. Tell us, Bobby.

- I'm not telling you, man.

- What could it be? - I don't know. The Dracula Scare Experience?

- Oh, yeah, that's well scary, that, like. I went on a date there once

with a lad and I was so frightened, I threw up on him.

Luckily he had a vomit fetish, so he wanted to see me again.

- Or what about a ghost walk?

- Oh, yeah, they're scary as fuck. I did a ghost walk date once

and I got so scared I pissed all over the poor lad.

Luckily he had a piss fetish so he wanted...

- Yeah, all right, we get the message, Lucinda!

- TYRES SCREECH

- All Whitby ghost walks end up at the Abbey.

- How'd you know that, chick?

- I used to work there as a ghost nun.

- Right.

Plan - me and Sal will go to the Dracula Scare Experience.

Lucinda, you and Stewart go with Dickie to the Abbey.

We are going to get you your fella back.

- ALL CHEER

- Right, haway. It's nearly 6.30.

Now, you lot head up to the Abbey,

and we'll go to the Scare Experience.

And we'll call you if we find them. Go on.

- 'Ere, Mam, you've got a small punter.

- Tell her we're closed.

- We're closed.

- It says here you're open.

- That's wrong, sorry.

- This is ridiculous. I'd like to speak to the manager.

- Mam, she wants to speak to the manager.

- Urgh! All right, I'll serve you this time,

but make it quick, cos we're actually on a mission.

- OK, Indiana Jones!

- Oh, you cheeky fucker. Come on, what are you having?

- Hmm...what to have...

- You'll have a 99.

- What the hell do you call that?! - �4.50, please.

- You're joking, aren't you? Those are London prices.

I've got to say, this is absolutely ridiculous

they're not 99p any more.

- Right, haway then. Let's go.

- I love spontaneous trips like this, me.

- You're really trying to wedge yourself

into this friendship group, aren't you, Stewart?

It's full of weirdos, is Whitby.

- There they are.

Don't let those homos out of your sight until Dickie gets here.

- SPOOKY MUSIC

EVIL LAUGHTER

- Why the hell isn't he answering?

- PHONE RINGS

- Come on, Dickie.

- The ghost tour must finish up here somewhere.

Check behind every single gravestone.

- Dickie, take a look at yourself. This isn't you.

- We can't just give up. - You know, Dickie, sometimes heartbreak

is a sign of the universe telling you to make a fresh start.

- Look! It's a sign!

"DN Patterson." Dead Nana Pat.

Listen, she must be telling us to wait here.

Haway.

LINE RINGS

- Oh, you fucking pervert.

- EVIL LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER DISTORTS

- Quick, Sal, they're leaving!

Harrison, wait, you little tit!

Oh, sorry. We thought you were somebody else.

- No offence, but you both look like a couple of gay lads from the back.

- Yeah, we get that a lot.

- I don't think they're coming, Dickie babes.

- I'm starting to think you're a curse, Stewart.

- What do you mean? - Everything in my life was going so well,

and suddenly you turn up and everything turns to shit.

- Oh, stop it now, Dickie.

It's not Stewart's fault that Harrison's a massive arsewipe.

Haway, let's get you home, hon.

- Wait!

- Welcome to St Mary's Churchyard,

a place famed for ghosts, spirits, and other strange goings-on.

- Look, it's them! Nana Pat was right!

Come on!

- My feet are killing me.

- Take your heels off!

- Never.

- Now, there's a lot of activity here,

so don't be surprised if you feel a cold, sharp tingle down your spine.

It might just be a spirit who is simply known as Betsy.

They say Betsy died on this very spot. - WHISPERS: - It is I, Betsy.

It is I, Betsy!

- Many Whitby residents say they see Betsy on a regular occurrence,

always dressed in black, and always singing

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, in the style of Eva Cassidy.

- How do I look, Stewart?

- Your mascara has smudged a bit.

- Is that better?

- Yeah.

Dickie, I just wanted to say,

everything in life happens for a reason.

- What the fuck are you going on about now, Stewart?

- I'm just saying that if it doesn't work out with Harrison,

don't be too sad. It just means he's not the one for you.

- It's going to work out, Stewart.

He just needs to see me again and realise what he's missing.

But thanks, hon.

Right. Wish me luck.

- Good luck.

- Oh! - Stop the ghost walk! Stop the ghost walk!

- You're joking, aren't you? What are you doing here, Dickie?

And why the fuck are you dressed like that?

- # I know you haven't Made your mind up yet

# But I will never... # - Just stop.

You need to get over it.

You're embarrassing yourself.

- I don't care. - He doesn't love you any more, you weirdo.

Just fucking get over it.

- I'm not talking to you, you stupid...

..fit, muscly twink. I'm talking to Harrison.

- I don't love you any more, mate.

- ALL GASP

- That dress does nothing for your figure, babes.

- I'm a thick twat.

I honestly thought he'd run over to me, kiss me,

and say that he's going to leave that really fit lad for me.

I think... I think it's genuinely over.

- What happened to you?

- I headbutted seven vampires and a parking attendant.

- What kind of a frigging monster puts a frigging parking ticket

on an ice cream van at the beach?

Political correctness gone frigging mad.

Mm.

Did yous find Harrison? - Yeah.

And he called Dickie "mate".

- Oh, chick.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

- DICKIE SOBS

Look at the state of me, sobbing like a soppy old trout.

But I'll be all right, you know,

cos I've got these queens to sort me out.

You see, that's what we do here - we look out for each other.

We'll be anyone you need -

your sister, your mam, your dad or your brother,

your aunt or your uncle, your nan or your pa,

cos if there's no-one else there for you, we fucking are.

That's what you learn about us - tough as old boots.

You've got to be round here.

We are who we are - strong, fierce and unreservedly queer.

If you can't find us, keep searching, keep strong,

know your worth, cos believe me, we're out there somewhere,

on this big old queer Earth.

- You know, Dickie, you might be feeling pain now,

but time is the greatest healer.

- Why the fuck are you still here, Stewart?

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

# We gotta fight, fight Fight, fight, fight for this love

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

# If it's worth having It's worth fighting for

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love

# We gotta fight, fight, fight Fight, fight for this love... #

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