Original subtitles

It's for you, ma'am. Who is it? Didn't say.

You should make them ring back. You know I'm going to the hospital.

Stupid girl.

Dame Lettie Colston. Who is this?

'Remember you must die.'

Ah, Taylor. Did you have a nice afternoon at the pictures?

There is no Taylor here. Pull yourself together.

Come and get warm, Godfrey, dear.

Lettie's had another of those extraordinary phone calls.

I've asked her to stay with us for a day or so. Oh, dear!

Well, it's damn worrying.

I had a phone call the other day. That young man from the papers,

who wrote thrilling things about my books. That was five years ago.

Thank you, Taylor.

That is not Taylor,

that's our housekeeper, Mrs Anthony.

Taylor has been in hospital for the last year.

Hospital? I must go to her. Now...

My dear Charmian, don't be so silly.

You know you're not up to going anywhere.

Besides, she probably won't remember you.

She never mentions my name? Never. Charmian has gone quite ga-ga.

She'd be far better off in a private nursing home.

Mr Godfrey would be heartbroken.

Still, if she's that bad...

↑

Bob's yer uncle!

This is a private conversation!

How are our bowels?

↑ An' Fanny's yer aunt!

That's enough, Grannie Barnacle, or you'll be getting an enema!

Must they address you as Grannie?

I expect it makes it easier.

I'm sure I know that woman.

She used to sell papers at the Elephant and Castle.

I've never been there in my life!

But you were a prison visitor, Dame Lettie. You mean..?

Surely, they don't admit..? It is a National Health hospital. That's no excuse!

Have you heard any more from your telephone caller?

Several times.

The same message. "Remember you must die"?

You must tell the police. And have them prying into my private affairs?

Besides, have you seen the police nowadays? Some of them aren't white!

They could tap your calls.

Been having OBESE phone calls, have you, dearie?

RIBALD LAUGHTER

It must be an enemy. Nonsense, I have no enemies.

Lights!

Please don't tell me how to drive!

I had observed the lights.

CAR HORN TOOTS

I think it was an enemy.

Some chap who's lost his faculties.

STUPID BITCH!

There's a bit here about Eric.

Who's Eric? He's your son, Charmian.

What does it say?

"It is a pity that Eric Colston has not inherited a small spark of his mother's literary genius.

"His offering has all the polish of a lump of pumice stone."

That will do, Godfrey!

Where DO they get their critics? Well, I couldn't read the damn book!

All about a motor car salesman having it off with a Communist librarian in a hotel in Leeds!

Anyway, the fellow's quite right, Eric can't hold a candle to Charmian.

Thank you, dear.

What have you got against the boy? Just because he's sensitive.

"Boy"? He's over 50! 52.

Did I tell you, that man from the papers wants to see me?

Good morning, Taylor. That is NOT Taylor!

That journalist hasn't called for years! Madam is quite right, sir,

the gentleman DID phone.

He told her that her books were being rediscovered.

Really?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Who is in the obituaries?

How can you be so gruesome? I'll read it to you, dear.

HOUSEKEEPER: Telephone for you, Dame Lettie.

I'll see who it is.

I would like to hear the war news.

The war has been over for 10 years!

If, indeed, you mean the last one! Has there been more than one?

Well? Same message.

How did they know where to find me?

I didn't tell anyone.

At least the police will now know that you're not making it up.

Police? Have we been robbed?

I am being molested...by...a voice.

When you get home, someone had better stay with you.

Why not ask Lisa Brooke?

Lisa Brooke be damned!

Good Lord!

I hope God didn't take you too literally.

There are some odd cards.

"In memory of those wonderful nights. Tony." What does he mean?

That's what I should like to know! What about this one?

"Passionate love. Sidney." Sidney who?

She never mentioned a Sidney.

Dear Lisa had a lifelong dedication

to the arts...and ARTISTS.

I remember (!) Oh...

It's from her housekeeper. It must have cost her a fortune!

Least she could do, since Lisa seems to have left HER one!

Oh, Mrs Pettigrew. A touching sentiment. A few words of my own.

I didn't think it was Shakespeare! I believe you know the Sidebottomes?

Indeed. Mrs Pettigrew has been kind enough to ask us to a tea party at The Beehive.

Perhaps, you and your brother would care to join us? What for?

We can have tea at home. We'd be delighted.

If you're wrong about the will, Mrs Pettigrew might need a job.

She could take care of Charmian.

She seems...a little bit forceful, wouldn't you say?

Charmian needs a firm hand! There's that rotter, Guy Leet.

Pretend you don't see him.

Really, Godfrey!

Who are all these people? Are they her brothers and sisters?

Lisa had no living relatives.

But perhaps you didn't know her very well.

Oh...I wouldn't say that (!)

Charmian not with you?

It would be too much for her.

I think she might have enjoyed it.

Why can't I see the ashes? Hush, now, Grandpa. Morning, Percy.

Olive.

What about Lisa's ashes?

He wants to see if they're grey. Fellow must have lost his faculties.

To some people, NOTHING is sacred!

The ashes of Lisa Brooke will always be sacred.

Are you coming to Mrs Pettigrew's bun fight? Certainly.

Where's that cleric?

I want to see the ashes... and kiss them, if they've cooled.

That Guy Leet sets himself up as some sort of literary critic.

It's just an excuse to take liberties with lady novelists.

He tried it on with Charmian.

He never got much change out of me. He wasn't after you. Yoo-hoo!

Over here, Dame Lettie. Come and sit near me.

Damn snob, that Pettigrew woman! I suppose she thinks that Lettie's somebody.

GUY:

Lisa had an uncanny instinct

for poetic genius.

Take Dylan Thomas...

Dylan Thomas didn't know the MEANING of poetry!

I told Lisa, "That's not poetry,

"it's a leg pull...a hoax!"

Mr Mannering, if you please. This is a solemn occasion.

If Dylan Thomas were...here...

I'd tell him to take his so-called poetry and stick it...

Excuse me, sir, but I cannot permit that sort of language here.

Pretty strong meat, eh?

Hush now, Grandpa.

What did he say?

He was talking about some gentleman...

LOUDER:

He was talking about

some gentleman...indelicately.

PERCY SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

Will you be going to the flat? Mm.

I do appreciate your offer, Dame Lettie, but in view of my expectation...

Bear it in mind, just in case. You'd be a boon to my poor brother.

↑

What do you feel about the service?

Very satisfactory, on the whole...

They do quite a good tea, too.

She means the funeral service!

Well, she should have said!

When you said, "service"...

The last cremation I attended...

I want to be cremated when my time comes. Far the cleanest way.

All those...dead bodies... contaminating everyone's water...

damaging...people's...faculties.

Doesn't bear thinking about.

Well...anyway, you should have said

funeral service.

SHRIEKS AND MAYHEM

Look what you've done!

Lettie thinks you need looking after.

I already have Taylor.

You do NOT have Taylor.

We have Mrs Anthony and she's only really a daily.

Didn't you enjoy the funeral? It was a cremation.

That squirt, Guy Leet was showing off.

He walks with sticks, these days. Huh! Serves him right.

What a clever man he was... and so charming, too.

MRS ANTHONY:

I'll be off home now.

I've left a casserole, for you. Thank you. How old are you, Taylor?

I'll be 70, next birthday, ma'am. Oh, good, you'll be one of us!

Where are you going? For a walk.

'Charmian Colston?' This is Charmian Colston.

Are you a reporter? 'No.'

Then how may I help you?

'Remember you must die.'

Thank you. At my age, there are many things that I don't remember,

but that is not one of them.

Goodbye.

I said I'd be dropping in tonight.

You didn't, actually.

Never mind.

I'll just go and change. Mmmm.

Who was that I just saw leaving?

No-one special.

Would you like a drink?

Not if it's that filthy Cyprus sherry again.

It's not, as it happens.

It's rather good stuff, actually. A present from a friend of mine.

Have you heard anything from Eric?

He must feel dreadful after those reviews. No more than he deserves.

I...erm...

I haven't got much time. Charmian's in the house.

I hate to remind you, but you did forget last time.

Ah...hum...

The cost of living these days!

HE GRANTS LASCIVIOUSLY

Of course, I do understand that the will still has to be probated.

It's not that simple. And why not?

The will was quite clear, she showed it to me herself.

No...er...

EVERYTHING was to come to me, unless her husband outlived her.

He died in the First World War. That's just it...

Major Brooke died in 1915.

But her second husband...

Her WHAT? ..is still very much alive, I'm afraid.

It's a Mr Guy Leet.

Of course, you'll still receive the £50,

the sum she specified you receive.

£50 (!) I spent almost that much on her sodding wreath!

That lying, two-faced cow!

I think Mrs Pettigrew is the wrong person to look after Miss Charmian.

In my view, she is ideal. I heard she was very domineering.

That's precisely why we decided to employ her.

Charmian needs to be bullied. She might enjoy it!

There was a Sister here who bullied the grannies. They didn't enjoy it.

But they're all senile.

Oh, I don't mean you. But you say that Charmian is senile!

So she is, but I sometimes think she puts it on.

Maybe she is.

Mrs Pettigrew must need the money...

I never did trust that Guy Leet. He never said a word at the funeral!

It's quite wicked of him.

Yes, he could be very wicked.

Still, he won't last. Rheumatoid arthritis, you know. Like me.

I'm sorry, Taylor, but it's best to face facts.

It's a bit like wartime, really. Mm?

Being over 70. So many friends going and gone.

It's like being the lone survivor amongst the dead on a battlefield.

You begin to sound like Charmian.

Well, I was with her so many years, it's not surprising. Didn't I say?

Indeed you did!

Now, this is Grannie... Madam Valvona.

She was a professional clairvoyant.

It was in your horoscope,

"Virgo: a brisk day for business entertaining."

And there's you with a visitor! Ha!

He's telephoned again... twice.

It's hard for people of our age to remember about dying.

Perhaps we should have got into the habit when we were young.

Sometimes I don't understand you. You should listen to what he says.

I refuse to be told what to think! Besides, I'm not the only victim.

The Sidebottomes and Charmian... Charmian?

VOICES CAN BE HEARD

Hearing that this man had telephoned YOU really upset Miss Taylor.

It's a relief to know that she's not as bad as Lettie made out.

I suspect Dame Lettie rather enjoys making other people unhappy.

Now I know why you're such a good detective.

I gave her the best years of my life, Mrs Anthony.

Only to be cast out, penniless!

Hardly penniless, dear. £50 is £50.

I should have had all of it!

Instead of that Leet crawling out of the woodwork like a bad penny.

What sort of a marriage was that?

It takes all sorts, I say.

Have a fag. No, thanks.

When I was with Mrs Brooke, she always asked me to meet her visitors.

Who's that in with her now? Inspector Henry Mortimer.

At least, he WAS. He got to know madam when her jewels was pinched.

Quite a fan of hers, he was.

Well, I'm going in there!

That was Taylor's favourite. I liked "To Thine Own Self" best.

Godfrey read ALL my books and loved them, so Taylor told me.

Oh, Mrs Colston, I didn't know that you had company!

I thought you might be tired. You may take the tea things away.

SHE RINGS BELL I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Henry Mortimer. Oh, of course!

INSPECTOR, isn't it? I've not met a police officer before.

You do surprise me (!)

Actually, I retired from the force some years ago.

I had a cousin who wanted to be a policeman, but he was only six!

Just a moment, the Inspector was telling us of his career.

By all means. Tell us about your career, Eric. Not Eric - Henry!

It is Henry, isn't it?

Er...yes.

Thank you, Taylor. I think we're having a turn.

You know that Taylor's in hospital.

Remember? I miss her.

Mrs Pettigrew, you're hurting me. What YOU need is a nannie.

I am not a nannie.

I think, Mrs Pettigrew... Do call me Mabel. Mrs Pettigrew,

in future, you will not join my guests in the drawing room...

..unless I ring for you.

Night.

GODFREY GROANS

Charmian has always been over-imaginative.

So, you don't believe her? >

She doesn't like being left out of the limelight.

↑

She needn't worry, I believe her

books are enjoying a renaissance.

Your post, Ma'am.

There have been other victims - your friend, Mrs Sidebottom...

Sid-e-bot-TOME!

..and the late Lisa Brooke.

Please get to the point, Inspector.

Alas, I am no longer an Inspector.

The point is, the caller confines himself to your immediate circle.

Which could indicate that he is one of you.

I would certainly recognise the voice of someone I knew.

But would you?

Leaving that aside, I'd like to have a chat about your nephew, Mr Eric Colston.

You've been talking to Godfrey. Always picking on the boy!

It IS a coincidence that the calls started when he returned to London.

You said the calls were local.

Is that it? My nephew is in the country...

..and has been for three months!

That's not quite so, I'm afraid.

I happen to know he came back some time ago.

He's staying with a...friend, in Fulham.

A hairdresser...I believe.

"Marion May died yesterday, at her home in Knightsbridge, on the eve of her 92nd birthday."

I remember her, a Gaiety girl, wasn't she?

You're in good form! We mustn't forget our pills.

You forget, I've had them. Nothing wrong with MY memory.

She did well for herself. I wonder how much she left?

Take your pills, dear. She was introduced to us at Cannes.

Yes, that's right. In about 1910.

She stood on a chair and shouted, "Christ! The place is stinking with royalty!"

We were all so embarrassed.

No, I think you're wrong. I think it was one of the Lilley girls.

Come on, now, there's a good girl.

I've not been a girl for a long time, Mrs Pettigrew,

and I doubt I was EVER a good one.

I've taken two pills already, any more would be dangerous.

What is the point of the doctors, if you won't take the medicine?

But I HAVE taken it, and I refuse to be poisoned in my own house!

Poisoned? Oh, really!

Taylor, what was on my tray when you brought it down?

Mrs Pettigrew brought it down. There was a cup and saucer...

There were no pills!

Godfrey, I KNOW I took them. I really don't want any more.

Oh, well, if that's what you want...

It makes life damned difficult for the rest of us, if you carry on.

Especially me. You want to get rid of me.

Nobody wants to get rid of you.

I don't know where she gets these ideas.

Well, it's not right the way you keep on nagging at her all the time.

No wonder she gets a bit confused.

She's old, that's all.

You'll get like that. Pardon?

She's not as feeble as she pretends. She can get around when she likes.

Not when she likes, when she FEELS like it.

Nobody understood her like Jean Taylor.

She's mad, if you ask me.

Accusing me of poisoning her! A woman in my position.

If I were to poison her, I'd do it better than that. I bet you would!

Mind how you speak to me, Mrs Anthony.

We got along perfectly well before you came along.

I shall speak to Mr Godfrey about your rudeness to me.

Your sort find it easy to get round him. And what do you mean by that?

Work it out yourself.

DOOR SLAMS UPSTAIRS

He's gone out, leaving her alone when she's feeling so poorly!

I'll go and sit with her. I don't fancy the company in here, anyway.

Whenever I lower myself to be nice to the servants,

I always end up regretting it.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, look, it's Godfrey...

And this one was taken at Ascot.

Doesn't Godfrey look dashing?

What the...?

Oh, God help us, the oven!

My pie! My pie!

Oh, my God, my pie!

Oh, dear, do I smell burning (?)

I do hope it's not your dinner.

SHE COUGHS DELICATELY

The manners of young people! I was very nearly knocked down!

One of the staff, too. Well, it's Grannie Duncan.

That's no excuse for rudeness.

Well, how are you today, Taylor?

Did you know Eric has been in town all this time, and has never once contacted me?

Oh, dear...I'm afraid she's gone.

Gone? Gone where?

Whatever is happening? Nurse Lucy's asking the porter to move the body.

# Lucy Locket lost her pocket...#

Now, now, Grannie Barnacle, you know better than that.

They're going to move the body NOW?

Oh, no, they'll wait a little while out of respect.

MADAM VALVONA: Just like it said in the paper!

"Sagittarius: afternoons best for embarking on long distance travel."

She was born in December! Fancy that, now.

I am most disturbed about Eric!

Perhaps he's working on a new book.

Don't make excuses! Of course, I've cut him out of my will.

GRANNIE BARNACLE CHANTS:

Star, News and Stan'ard...

Star, News and Stan'ard...

I don't know how you put up with it,

I really don't!

She's just frightened, that's all.

It's her way of making a protest.

Against what?

Perhaps against death.

Come along, Grannie.

Take your hands off me. I am quite capable of getting to my feet!

And don't call me Grannie!

Star, News...

Star, News and Stan'ard...

Star, News and Stan'ard. Star...

"Charmian Colston, one of our greatest novelists,

"is, despite her age..."

Eric, I want you out of here.

"..still vibrantly alive, ready to rekindle the whole literary world."

My bloody mother!

She was very popular!

Now, get going! Please!

I've nowhere to go.

Robby and I had a row.

What about Aunt Lettie?

I'd rather stay with an alligator. Could I have a couple of quid?

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Don't bother to say thank you.

Why should I? I can guess where that came from.

Perhaps I'll stick around and have a few words with Daddy-kins.

I'm just in the mood to tell him what I think of him.

What have you got against them?

< It's not just them.

What do they know of real life?

Probably more than you. Now, will you please go!

DOORBELL

Christ! He's early!

Bedroom!

DOORBELL

TANGO PLAYS ON GRAMOPHONE

You're not normally this early. >

I had to get away from Lettie.

She arrived on the doorstep at some god-awful hour this morning,

blabbing on about Eric.

What about Eric?

Apparently, he's been up in town and not got in touch.

Well, he's done for, this time!

She's cut him out of her will.

Poor Eric.

He's in rather a bad way.

He's always in a bad way.

How would you know? Oh, he popped in the other day.

On the scrounge, I suppose. I don't suppose you could..?

No, I certainly could not! He's a fool and a wastrel.

That so-called book of his was the last straw - trying to cash in on Charmian's name!

Fat lot of good it did him! My, you are in a bad mood today.

Let's see if we can think of something to cheer you up.

Could you hold it a little higher?

What the hell..? Do you mind, sir. Isn't this fun?

What do you make of the younger generation? They're rather attractive,

but have forgotten how to have fun. Your books might remind them.

Oh, I do hope you're right.

GODFREY SNORTS

Don't get the wrong idea, Godfrey's a dear old man.

It doesn't do any harm -

quite the opposite.

What do you mean?

The money that he gives to me, I give to my grandfather, Percy Mannering.

He lives all by himself in a nasty attic in Battersea.

I've tried to get him to move in with me, but he won't.

In your way, you're a very kind person.

What do you know about Mrs Pettigrew?

The new housekeeper?

Not much.

But from something Godfrey said, I wouldn't be surprised if she were blackmailing him.

What about?

Something to do with Lisa Brooke. Some letters, I think.

But she's dead!

I think he's afraid that Charmian will find out and get hurt.

He really adores her, you know, underneath all that bluster.

Sugar?

No thanks.

Hello, Mr Mortimer. Got you back on the beat, have they?

Oh, thank you.

How does he feel about Eric?

Godfrey?

He can't stand him.

Could he be making the calls?

No, not Eric.

If he were, he'd be boasting about it.

Has Godfrey had any calls?

No, but I think he has

an idea who's making them.

Who?

A man called Guy Leet.

I shouldn't take any notice,

Godfrey hates him.

What do you think?

I rather like him, he's got some life left.

TELEPHONE RINGS

'Is that Mr Godfrey Colston?'

It is.

'Remember you must die.'

You're making a mistake, Dame Lettie isn't here.

Perhaps you want to talk to my wife.

'There's no mistake, the message IS for you.'

THE WIRELESS IS ON

DOOR OPENS

There'll be no more of that... I've heard the voice on the phone.

The phone hasn't rung all evening!

How would YOU know? How dare you!

Please...listen to me,

he said, what he always says, to remember I must die.

What's wrong with that? Isn't it always what I've told you?

What? I think you should phone your solicitor

and make your will before it's too late. I don't really think...

It's lucky your wife didn't take the call. If she'd heard something,

or shall we say, if she'd READ something

to upset her... Who knows what might...

All right.

Tomorrow.

I promise.

Psst! Over here! >

Mr Leet?

Who wants to know?

Henry Mortimer. I phoned you.

Aah! The copper. Of course!

How do you do?

I expect you're wondering what I'm doing out here.

Gardening, perhaps?

No, the fact is, I'm being harassed by a homicidal maniac called Percy Mannering.

The old fool's been banging on the door all morning.

I slipped out here to throw him off the scent, you see?

But he'll be back.

My dear fellow, what ever am I thinking of? Come on inside!

Why don't you call the police?

Oh, I can't really do that. Not to old Percy.

Anyway, you're the police.

As I explained, not exactly.

I'm afraid my man's off today. Do sit down.

Whisky?

Yes, it's a good thing you turned up, actually.

If old Percy comes back, you will see him off the premises, won't you?

Why is Mr Mannering besieging you? >

Well...

He used to be a poet, you see.

He thinks he still is.

And he's incredibly prickly about his work.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I brought out a volume of memoirs.

I don't know if you...

No.

Actually, it was quite decently reviewed.

Ah, here we are.

"Another frequent visitor of Marigold's in that summer of 1911,

"was Percival Mannering.

"A charming fellow and a quite competent versifier."

Does that sound like an insult?

Well...

Of course not. >

Completely barmy.

He says he's going to sue me for besmirching his reputation!

Good health!

Now, what did you want to speak to me about? >

It's this man making phone calls.

Oh, Lady Colston's phone pal. He's rung me a couple of times.

Could you describe his voice?

Youngish...

..educated... a bit like an undergraduate.

What exactly did he say?

The same thing both times, "Remember you must die."

BANGING

BANGING

Oh, God!

I know you're in there!

Come out and take your medicine like a man!

Open up, you rat! >

↑

I warn you, I've got the police

here.

Liar!

Calm down, sir.

PERCY:

Who the hell are you?

I told you, this is Inspector Mortimer of the Police.

He looks more like a bloody bank manager.

Thanks.

I demand...

CHAOTIC SHOUTING

MORTIMER:

Mr Mannering, get off him!

He...

What's all this about?

That man... That man has ruined my reputation.

What reputation?

< I suppose you want a drink?

Brandy.

Would you?

He had the temerity to refer to me in his grimy little memoirs

as a "quite competent versifier".

I should have said "incompetent"!

I'll have you know that no lesser poet than Ernest Dowson

referred to my first book of sonnets as "exquisite".

No-one alive has ever heard of Ernest Dowson.

Is that so (?)

No-one alive? What about Lisa Brooke?

Yes, yes, dear Lisa.

They wouldn't let me kiss her ashes.

She was an extraordinary woman.

Extraordinary... Great perception,

sensitivity, too...

TELEPHONE RINGS

Oh, go away!

Yes, that's me... Oh, bollocks!

Many's the evening Lisa and I would spend reading...

If you answer my phone, you might have the courtesy not to hang up!

It wasn't for you, it was for me!

The fellow asked for me by name.

"Mr Percival Mannering," he said. Yes, he was very courteous.

But... My God!

It was HIM. >

The chap that Lettie's always on about.

"Remember you must die"?

< Well, have a spot more brandy.

- Would you..? - Er, thank you.

PERCY:

How on earth did he know

that I was coming here?

I didn't know myself, until I got to Waterloo.

I suppose I'd better put him up for the night.

Can't have the old fool tottering round railway stations.

May I help you, madam? I'm waiting for a friend.

It doesn't look like he's coming, does it? I beg your pardon?

I've been watching you for an hour.

I'd move along, if I were you.

CHARMIAN HUMS CONTENTEDLY

SHE GASPS WITH THE EFFORT

Oh, what a lovely surprise for Godfrey.

I don't know what's come over you.

These people fawning over you have ruined your faculties.

There's nothing wrong with my faculties, and I DID make my tea.

You're talking nonsense. But I promise you, I did!

She insists that she made her tea. Who else would have done it?

You know it's Mrs Anthony's day off

and Mrs Pettigrew's been out all afternoon. Mabel, dear...

So you see, I've been here all by myself,

I made my own tea,

and it's right there in front of me.

I don't know what you mean.

I made your tea and brought it in before I went out on my walk.

There, you see!

Now, now, don't worry about it.

You've just been dreaming, that's all. No, dear.

I seem to be getting feeble in mind as well as body.

I shall go to that nursing home in Surrey. Oh, now...

I'm sorry, my dear, but I am quite decided.

Perhaps it would be for the best.

There's no need to talk like that. Nobody is suggesting... Aren't they?

I'm going to bed.

Oh, dear, a supper tray.

I shan't need any supper, thank you.

I had an EXCELLENT tea!

Goodnight.

Well...I...er...think I'll go up...

And where were you this afternoon,

may I ask? Well, I...er..

Because you were NOT at your solicitor's. No.

He said...er...

His secretary said that he'd been called away.

He won't be back until next week...

..urgent case. Urgent case?! He's not a bloody brain surgeon!

Ahem...erm...well.

Are you awake? Yes.

Feeling all right?

Want anything?

Nothing, thank you, Godfrey.

Please...

..don't go to that nursing home.

I DID make my own tea. Yes. Truly.

Yes, yes, all right.

Of course you did.

Don't go.

Godfrey, please, can't we get rid of Mrs Pettigrew?

I don't like her.

I really don't care for her, at all.

You'd better get some sleep.

# What a nice little 'ouse ours is,

# The roof's on the top of this pretty little shack,

# The front's at the front, and the back's at the back...#

MADAM VALVONA:

I can see you have a very exciting

social life ahead of you.

You're not thinking of going to Ascot, by any chance?

Not just now.

Ohh...

Thank you, Madam Valvona,

very much.

Ohh!

That was very kind of you. I'm getting rather fond of your grannies.

Have you made any progress? Well, Mrs Pettigrew has some odd friends.

I'm not surprised. There's a man who makes keys for people who want to get into places they shouldn't.

Mrs Pettigrew called on him the other day.

How's Charmian getting on with her? Mrs Anthony is quite worried.

Do you think she's connected with the phone calls?

I don't see how.

Still, I'm getting the whole blooming lot of them together at my house, face to face!

Madam Valvona was right.

You've got an exciting social life

ahead of you.

SCREECH OF BRAKES

MRS MORTIMER:

Henry!

Where are we going to put them?

Don't worry, dear, we'll manage...somehow!

Charmian can't get out until you do. Just don't pull! Come on! Godfrey!

GENERAL HUBBUB

You should be helping your aunt pick up her things.

She's my MAID!

Just go inside, Gwen. >

Stop telling me what to do!

I hope you haven't offended her. Maids are very hard to get hold of.

Sorry we're late!

We got a bit lost.

We had an idiot navigating.

I told you, the map was wrong!

I intend suing the manufacturer.

Yes!

Oh, Lettie, for God's sake!

It's just there.

- Is this a game? - Stretch a bit more.

I don't think I'm quite up to it!

I did enjoy the drive!

Don't be absurd, Charmian, nobody enjoys Godfrey's driving.

< I think you'll find it's all there.

Woodbines?

Oh...yeargh!

< We didn't expect so many of you!

Our friends have also suffered from this telephone maniac's attentions.

I, for one, rarely travel without my maid!

Well! If you'd all like to come inside.

A brand-new edition, I hear, and selling like hot cakes!

You capture the period perfectly. >

Dear Henry, you and Taylor were always my greatest fans.

Godfrey!

Isn't it wonderful to get out? We mustn't get ourselves excited.

Would you like a cup of tea?

I thought you said there were only going to be half a dozen! >

These people live by different social rules.

You go and make the tea,

I'll take over as good shepherd.

Can I give you a hand?

Would you?

They're a bit overwhelming!

Is it time to go home?

MORTIMER: I thank Dame Lettie for tracing so many of her circle who have also been plagued in this way.

So, apart from myself and the younger members of our group,

everyone here has received a call of the type I've described.

Needless to say, I will consider everything you tell me to be in strict confidence.

Are you comfortable? I'm having a lovely time!

We're supposed to be here discussing this telephone fellow!

I don't mind what we discuss, provided it's not my private life.

Everything you did was spread about the gutter press. Not everything, old boy!

As we are talking about the press...

GENERAL HUBBUB

Who is that fellow?

I thought he was a friend of yours.

Have you quite taken leave of your faculties?

Perhaps we could carry on..?

Ooh, careful, Dame Lettie, don't take too much, now!

As I was about to say...I've had some rather disquieting news.

What was that?

I think we should all try to listen

to what Mr Mortimer has to tell us.

Huh! Yes, you too, Godfrey, dear.

Please, continue.

The fact is that someone has revealed the story of your phone caller to the press.

< One of the less selective papers, I'm afraid.

Eric, the bloody sneak! Surely not? You always were so hard on the boy.

It does seem to have been your son.

I gather he asked for money.

To keep half London's hairdressers in silk ties and socks (!)

Be that as it may, the police have had to be informed.

So, the whole matter is out of my hands...

So you are in service with Dame Lettie?

Not for much longer, I hope! Crazy old bat!

Perhaps I could offer you something more suitable?

Aye, but I don't do heavy work.

No ovens, no toilets, nothing like that. Of course not.

Dame Lettie..? >

You could clarify an important point.

You told me that the man's voice

sounded "middle-aged, rather deep and sinister".

No, he was quite a young chap. Decent sort.

I found him extremely civil.

How can you call him civil when he keeps threatening people?

Anyhow, you're wrong. He sounded like an illiterate loony, to me.

GENERAL DISAGREEMENT BREAKS OUT

Please!

That's the whole point. While he always says the same thing,

he uses a different voice each time.

A master of disguises?

Vocal disguise, Mr Sidebottom.

Huh?

I mean, Mr Sid-e-botTOME.

But what puzzles me,

is why anyone should go to the trouble of disguising their voice

just to remind people that they must die.

Perhaps he thought we needed reminding!

GENERAL MURMURING

Didn't Tennyson say of man, "He thinks he was not made to die"?

Isn't that what we all think?

Nobody gave a damn for your Tennis-anyone, except for the old queen!

Who's an old queen?

MAYHEM AND SHOUTING

- Nothing works up there! - ...Constantly!

MORTIMER:

All the same,

there's something about them.

It's a sort of stubborn gallantry.

Echoes of a romantic and glamorous past.

You didn't tell them your suspicion.

I couldn't, somehow.

They would never believe me.

Some of them might.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't tell them.

Thank you for a lovely tea party, Mrs Trubshaw.

Our name's Mortimer.

Then this isn't the Over-70s Happiness Group?

BOTH: No.

In that case, Mr Mortimer,

all I can say is that you have some VERY peculiar friends!

GRANNIE BARNACLE SINGS QUIETLY

TELEPHONE RINGS DISTANTLY

RING

Nightingale Ward.

Oh, yes, Doctor, Sister did leave instructions.

Mr Mortimer is just a mountebank.

I like him. He's kind and clever and he understands people like us.

There's salmon in the fridge for supper. Thank you, Mrs Anthony.

That is NOT Taylor! Of course not!

Taylor's in hospital.

I think I might be well enough to go and see her soon.

I did enjoy my day out on Saturday.

That's more than I did.

Damn charlatan!

We had all that yesterday, let's not start again.

You only like him because he flatters you about your books.

And YOU were fluttering your eyelashes at him like a flapper.

If you're going have one of your moods, I think I'll have a nap.

Moods?

What moods?

Do you want something, Mrs Pettigrew?

Just a word with Mr Godfrey.

You'd better start getting ready.

Erm...I don't think I quite...

Ten minutes.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

THE DOOR OPENS

You didn't knock, Mrs Pettigrew!

Mabel... No, I didn't. Always knock!

When I was with Mrs Brooke,

I had the run of the house, like a close friend.

And confidante, no doubt (?)

I don't think I will go into the nursing home, after all.

Godfrey needs me here. You're nothing but a hindrance...

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to take my nap now!

Mrs Anthony is not really capable of cooking, any more.

Leaving a cold supper again! It's bad for my digestion.

Godfrey and I like cold salmon!

The way she lets food burn, she's becoming quite dangerous.

Maybe you should keep an eye on her!

Well, don't blame me

if someone gets poisoned! Poisoned?

Poisoned? Really, Mrs Pettigrew!

Oh, it's quite easy

to poison someone... Think it over.

CRUNCHING GEARS

I don't see why I can't come in. Because he'd think it damned odd.

STOP!

At this rate, we'll never get there.

I'm not sitting around without anything to read.

"At Caxton Hall, today, renowned critic, Mr Guy Leet, 80,

"married Olive Mannering."

How dare he! The filthy old lecher!

Of course...Olive Mannering!

I've seen the way you look at her. You old devil!

I don't know what...

TOOTING HORNS

All those times you left your wife alone!

It would give her quite a turn to hear about that as well!

Look out!

Stop!

Tell him to send you the draft,

so that we can check it together.

RING RING

RING RING

RING RING

I did think it could be a friend.

Why?

He sounded old, like one of them!

Anything else?

He never rang when she wasn't at home. It was like he knew.

What was Dame Lettie's reaction?

I think she's gone right round the bend!

Why would she do that? I think she's scared.

It could be a burglar casing the joint!

I asked her why she didn't call the police, but she got quite nasty.

That was when I quit.

You're no longer there? A girl must better herself.

How will she manage on her own? She can afford to get someone else.

You know who her family is, Geoff? Colston Breweries!

Bet they never go short of a drink!

Where's the whisky?

Never any whisky in the house! Perhaps Mrs Anthony's drinking it.

Bloody woman!

I can't find the whisky. You'll have to have brandy, then.

There's something I have to say.

I've decided that it will be best

to go into the nursing home, after all.

I'm sure you're doing the right thing, dear. You can't!

You mustn't! My mind is made up.

I shall be leaving in three days' time.

Why?

Why now?

Is it the phone calls? In a way. But you don't mind about them.

You don't care about them at all!

Of course she minds about them.

I've made all the arrangements. I did that while you were BOTH out.

And now, Mrs Pettigrew, if you would excuse us.

And be kind enough to shut the door behind you.

At least in the nursing home I'll have all the privacy I need.

Please don't go.

I'll do anything. No, you won't.

You won't get rid of that Pettigrew woman. I've asked you often enough.

You know how much I dislike her.

Well...

..perhaps...if you tried.

Please, don't be sad, my dear.

For once, I agree with Mrs Pettigrew.

It really is for the best.

For both of us.

Good afternoon, Dame Lettie.

I remember you, you're a Pisces.

My old man was one of them. Very fishy people - Pisces.

Very slippery! >

What's wrong with Dame Lettie? She thinks you're making the calls.

Some sort of master criminal. Head of a sinister gang.

Don't laugh! She's cut you from her will. I never knew I was in it.

We've all been in it at some time.

They're sending me

to one of them CONVOLUTED homes.

At the seaside!

Oh! That'll be nice.

Did Dame Lettie tell you?

The police are putting a tap on the phones.

I'm just going to the bank!

I hear that Charmian has gone into a nursing home,

leaving Mr Godfrey to that Mrs Pettigrew.

Why doesn't he sack her? She's blackmailing him.

Someone else thought that, too. Something to do with Lisa Brooke.

Well, there's no harm in telling you.

It must be 40 years ago, I suppose.

Charmian had gone into the country to research one of her books.

And Godfrey...and Mrs Lisa Brooke...

Well, she was a very handsome woman... Surely, after this time...

Perhaps you don't really understand them at all.

To a man like Godfrey,

betraying Charmian was as shameful as betraying one's own country.

And that's what

Mrs Pettigrew has been trading on.

Wasn't that a nice trip to the bank?

Her and her hoity-toity bank! Why can't she go to the Post Office?

You won't forget my bucket and spade, tomorrow, will you?

# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside...#

It's a hospice they're sending her to, really.

Where they send them when... when there's no hope.

She doesn't know, of course.

I hear they're very kind.

GRANNIE CONTINUES SINGING

But she does enjoy life so!

And I shall miss her terribly.

I'm truly sorry. I know you are.

And that's why, Henry, I want you to do something for me.

Of course, Jean. Anything.

It means breaking a promise

I made to Charmian many years ago.

Are you sure..?

Oh, she's brought it on herself.

I've never thought much of Mr Godfrey, but it's very selfish of her to abandon him like that.

I want you to give him this.

See that he reads it at once. I'll do it in the morning.

The voice on the telephone - you know who it is?

Do you? Oh, yes.

I've known from the beginning.

GRANNIE'S SINGING DRIFTS AWAY

GLASS BREAKING, A DOG BARKS

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

You! >

It's you!

WE HEAR A DIALLING TONE

It's Mrs Pettigrew, isn't it?

Eric Colston, the author.

I like your hairdo.

I gather you've taken over my Papa these days, lock, stock and barrel.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

I think you do.

I've just had a long chat with our solicitor.

Why don't we have a little chat over a cup of tea and a bun?

I have slaved my fingers to the bone for your mother and father.

And no thanks for it. Well, it depends what you call thanks.

Excuse me.

Don't get me wrong, Mrs Pettigrew...

Mabel, isn't it? I'm entirely on your side.

I know all about the old man's...

Shall we say...peccadillos?

I can imagine what you've suffered.

A woman of taste and discretion, too.

What exactly do you wish to say to me, Mr Colston?

Eric and Mabel!

The two of us together could make quite a team.

I can manage very well on my own, thank you.

Can you?

Suppose I decided to tell my darling mother of her hubbie's indiscretions?

Where would you be then? Up the creek, would be my guess.

And quite without a paddle, dear.

You haven't got any evidence.

Not like I have. Not letters.

A word from me in dear Mama's shell-like,

and it's bye-bye, Mabel, whatever way you look at it.

So, how about it?

What's in it for you?

The old man may outlive us all, but ready cash never comes amiss.

Don't you agree?

So? We face him with it.

Both of us... Today.

He's gone to see her in that smart nursing home.

So, we'll wait. He was odd today.

He was all right until that Mr Mortimer came to call.

I really thought he'd come over queer.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

Nonsense, I'm delighted for you.

I've always thought her a charming girl.

Sadly, I'm unlikely to make her "afraid with any amazement,"

as it says in the marriage service.

What I CAN do for her,

and what she really wants,

is to give a home to that old rascal

of a grandfather of hers.

That's probably the only reason she married me!

A little added spice to life does no harm at our age. Nor at any age.

GEARS CRASH AND HORN TOOTS

Marriage doesn't agree with you. You look worse than ever!

Lost your faculties, eh?

I see you've had a visitor!

Guy Leet, yes. Wasn't it kind of him?

He has such difficulty getting around.

A bit different from the way he got around

in the summer of 1902 at Lake Geneva.

And Hyde Park Gate...

..in 1907.

And Scotland...

..Biarritz...

That was when you couldn't come home because of pneumonia!

Strange place to catch pneumonia!

Taylor!

I'd like a drink. You don't drink.

I used to and I'd like one now, before I die. What nonsense!

There's whisky on the table.

I ordered it for you, but now I think I should like one, too.

Not too much soda!

As to Guy Leet, dear,

I hardly think you're in a position to pass judgment.

Don't fob me off with... I'm talking about Lisa Brooke!

That time I was down in Devon, for instance.

Though, of course, that wasn't the ONLY occasion.

You knew? Mmm?

You knew?!

I'm afraid you're not really cut out for infidelity,

perhaps because you don't enjoy it.

Not like that rotter, Guy Leet!

Why do you think I come back to you?

Come back to me now.

No, not this time.

Is it because of Mrs Pettigrew? I can get rid of her.

It's not just because of her.

She is an extremely unpleasant person, though.

Do you know, you never once called her Taylor.

How very odd of me.

I still wish you'd change your mind.

Do you?

Think about it, my dearest, dear.

You'll be much happier on your own, with Mrs Anthony caring for you.

You can come and see me as often as you like. It will be like courting.

You can bring me flowers. I could take you for drives. Yes!

But there is one thing I would like you to do for me.

It's about Taylor. Of course! She's betrayed you and you want revenge.

Tell me what you... Dear Godfrey.

You never change. I think it's your most endearing quality.

That I know you so well? But you don't know me at all.

What?

Where the hell is he? It's past nine o'clock. He'll be back.

Meanwhile, why don't you and me have a nice, cosy little chat?

Just the two of us.

About the future.

< DOOR SLAMS

There he is.

GODFREY SINGS CHEERFULLY

# When I was a little boy... #

Ah, Eric. Good evening. Have a drink... Oh, you've got one.

Oh, Mrs Pettigrew..!

Where have you hidden the whisky? We were waiting for you.

Never mind that, where's the whisky?

Ah, there it is.

Eric would like a word with you.

Well, now...

We are in this together, Father. In what? The question of your will.

I expect my financial needs to be taken care of. You've got a paunch!

Otherwise, we shall have to inform Mother of certain facts.

Do be reasonable. Would you mind getting out of my house, Eric?

You have ten minutes, before I call the police.

We're a little bit tired, aren't we? A teensy bit overwrought?

And you can leave in the morning.

First thing.

There's nothing you can tell Charmian that she doesn't know already.

DOORBELL

Perhaps you'd like to keep Eric amused by showing HIM your thighs.

HE CHUCKLES LOUDLY

Oh! Mr Godfrey Colston?

We are police officers. But I... I WAS going to call you...

It's about your sister, Dame Lettie Colston.

I'm afraid we have some bad news...

Taylor.

My dear Taylor.

Miss Taylor, I think, as I am no longer in your employ.

Or you could, of course, call me Jean.

There's nothing wrong with our equipment.

I never thought there would be.

Is this an upper-class joke?

Perhaps they're mad.

Let's have another listen.

'Godfrey Colston.'

SILENCE

'I told you, it's not me you want,

it's Lettie.'

SILENCE

< Who the hell is he talking to? There's no-one there.

Shh! Go on. >

GUY LEET:

'Oh, it's you again.'

SILENCE

'No, sorry old chap. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

'Goodbye.'

RECEIVER IS REPLACED

'Yes, this is Charmian Colston. SILENCE

'Oh, yes, you rang the other day. SILENCE

'It's very kind, but at my age I really don't need reminding.

SILENCE

'Although my memory sometimes...

Hello... Hello?

SILENCE

'Goodbye.'

RECEIVER IS REPLACED

DAME LETTIE:

'Yes?

SILENCE

'No, please... Please don't... SILENCE

'What do you want from me?

SILENCE

'I'll pay you...anything!

Please tell me. I can't stand this!'

We got the chap who killed her. Caught him trying to flog her rings.

It was the maid's boyfriend.

All SHE did was shoot her mouth off.

It's a funny thing, though...

What's that?

The maid swore the old girl

had never seen him.

And?

The boyfriend says he killed her because she recognised him.

I'm inclined to believe him.

What exactly did he say?

She screamed out, "It's you!"

That explains it! She thought he was the man on the phone!

Of course, in a way, she was right.

He was Death, after all.

Are you trying to tell me that the voice they all heard was..?

Death himself.

You heard the tapes.

Why do you think they can hear his voice, and we can't?

Even so...

..why them?

Because they're vulnerable

and that's what death feeds on.

It's the only answer. >

To my shame, I can think of one old lady who got there before me.

Lettie had made so many changes to her will that it was invalid.

Being next of kin, Godfrey inherits everything!

What's he going to do with it?

He wants to take flying lessons. Flying lessons?

I do hope you'll be happy here.

They don't call me Grannie! Indeed!

Do you remember, Jean, how you used to read aloud to me?

Yes. I wonder if you'd... No, I wouldn't!

I read to you because I was your servant.

I'm not your servant now. But Jean, I was hoping I could read to YOU!

I can't stop you, I suppose. Now, what would you like?

One of yours!

How about "The Gates of Grandella"?

It was always your favourite, wasn't it?

"'The Gates of Grandella' by Charmian Colston.

"Chapter one..."

KNOCKING

I'm sorry to interrupt, Mrs Colston,

but there's a telephone call.

I expect it's a reporter! It's for your friend - Miss Taylor.

It's a gentleman. He says it's personal.

Please tell the gentleman that I can't come to the phone.

Tell him we're far too busy to talk to him.

Please, Charmian, carry on.

"Chapter one...

"And there, in the distance, was the ship.

"But was it the ship? Yes, she thought that it was.

"It seemed to have the same outline..."

CHARMIAN'S VOICE DRIFTS OFF

RING RING