Original subtitles

MAN: Hi, there.

CHRIS ROCK: In professional sports,

the best athletes get a sneaker contract.

Are those Air Jordans?

Yeah. My dad got them for me last year.

Oh, that's so cool.

He's like the best guy in the NBA.

As cool as it was having Jordan sneakers,

it was nowhere near as cool as having a varsity letter.

Man, I would set these sneakers on fire

and eat them for a varsity letter.

That's how David Blaine got his.

I'd get respect.

Good morning, sir.

Here are your books.

What time would you like to smack the crap out of me?

2:30. Thank you, sir.

I'd get perks.

Chris,

you're excused from all of your classes.

Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Is he smart?

Chris, he's Asian.

(gong sounds)

If you could turn his smart into black,

he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Cool.

If Yaphet Kotto fell

into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

And I'd get the only thing I really cared about-- girls.

GIRLS: Good morning, Chris.

Good morning, angels.

(girls giggling)

Watch it, Jabbar.

Oh, man, he scuffed your shoe.

I don't care about this shoe.

I want to get one of them letters.

And the letter's gonna get me one of those girls.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: Wanting a letter was one thing.

Figuring out how to get it was a whole other story.

How am I supposed to get a letter in a sport

when I'm terrible at sports?

Maybe there's something a guy like you would be good at.

I need a sport without water,

balls, hoops, hurdles, bats, cleats, clubs, gloves,

tracks, fields, weights or boards.

Isn't that cheerleading?

How about wrestling?

I can't wrestle. Anybody can wrestle.

It's just two guys on a mat

trying to throw each other down.

Or as they call it in Chelsea, "Wednesday."

No way. I'll get killed.

I only weigh 112 pounds.

They got weight classes.

You only have to fight people your size.

If you can't beat a guy who weighs 112 pounds,

you don't deserve that letter.

* The B to the R, Double-O, K, Lyn *

* Comin' straight from Brooklyn, you know that I'm-a win *

* The B to the R, Double-O, K, Lyn *

* The B to the R, Double-O, K, Lyn... *

I can do that.

Do what?

Make a video for Video Turntable.

You can't sing.

I'm not gonna sing.

I'm gonna be the producer,

like Hurby Luv Bug with Salt-N-Pepa.

How you gonna do that?

Yo, welcome back.

Hey! Want to get your video played on Video Turntable?

Send it in and get paid.

The more it gets played,

The more you gets * paid.

Yo. Section Eight. Hit me.

* In-In-novator

* In-novator, in-in-ovator... *

See? I told you.

I'm gonna put together a girl group,

make a video and get it on TV.

It'll be cool.

* I'm the Arabian Prince and the crew is the Sheiks *

* We are here to move your feet *

Can I be in it? No.

* To rock the population, give you no compensation... *

While Tonya tried to get into Drew's group,

my mother tried to get into a pair of jeans.

(Rochelle grunts)

Dang it!

(gasping)

She sweated less during childbirth.

That's it.

I'm going on a diet.

While my mother

was struggling to put on her jeans,

I was struggling to put on a brave face.

(grunts)

(groaning)

(wrestlers grunt and groan)

(whistle blows)

Nice job.

Next.

What do you weigh?

One-twelve.

We got nobody in your weight class.

Guess I'll just leave, then.

Don't be an idiot.

You weighed in at 112.

You'll wrestle 113.

Got nobody in your weight class?

You're automatically on the varsity.

The first time in my life

being a skinny nerd worked in my favor.

Meanwhile, Drew found a place to rehearse

with a man who drove a hearse.

So I just need to rent your place for rehearsals.

Huh. So you won't be videotaping anything untoward, will you?

I don't know what that means.

It means-- lewd, nude, crude,

lascivious, naked,

nasty.

In that case, no.

Okay, then, pay me half in advance.

Oh. Nice doing business with you, Drew.

(hip-hop beat playing) * Uh... Uh...

* Uh...

* Uh.

Next!

* Zzp, zzp, zzp, zzp

* Hee-he-he-he-how, hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-how

* Hee-he-he-he-he-he-how

* Hee-he-he-he-how, hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-how Next.

* Hee-he-he-he-how.

Aren't you gonna do something?

Why don't you do something?

'Cause I'm the one auditioning you.

No one talk to Princess Latifah like that!

Next!

(hip-hop beat playing)

(music stops)

That was cool.

So, what's the name of your group?

It's gonna be called Fish and Chips.

So, you guys in?

Yeah! Yeah!

Cool.

While Drew was taking

his first steps towards the charts,

I was taking my first steps on the mat.

Chris, since this is your first day on the mat,

I'm gonna walk you through some moves.

You watch wrestling on TV?

All the time.

Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, the Iron Sheik.

I love all those guys.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Oh. Well, what's first?

(groans)

This is a cross-face.

(yelps)

This is the neck scissors.

This is a half nelson.

This is the full nelson.

This is a Ricky Nelson.

That's a joke-- Ricky Nelson.

See, I said half, full, then Ricky.

You like that?

Hilarious.

Back at home, I found out

when the woman of the house goes on a diet,

everybody in the house goes on a diet.

Okay, everybody,

dinner is served.

No, it ain't. What is this?

It's the Nipsey Russell Bermudian Diet.

Why are we on a diet?

Because we put our jeans on, and they won't button.

How come we can't eat because your jeans don't fit?

Yeah, why don't you just buy a bigger pair of jeans?

Because, nobody asked you.

Nipsey Russell ain't fat.

What's he know about diets? Oh, when he went

to Bermuda to do a comedy show,

he found that the women were very attractive.

Because they were the only ones on the island.

They stay slim by only eating fish and fruits.

So he decided to smash it up and put it in a glass?

Yes.

I'd rather eat the glass.

Well, I hope he took out the seeds and the bones.

Look, unless you guys want me to end up being fat,

can you at least try it?

Well, I guess I do need to keep

my weight down-- I made the wrestling team. My man.

You gonna be the next Iron sheik.

See, Nipsey can help you.

TONYA: Well, me and Drew are making a video.

I guess I should watch my weight, too.

I heard the camera adds ten pounds.

Only if you eat them first.

You're not in the group.

I will be.

While my dad drank up, I prepared to get beat up.

COACH: Look for it. Look for it.

Look, he's giving it to you.

Work it, work it.

Look for the leg.

Don't lock up!

REFEREE: Point to red!

(bones crunching, wrestler shrieking)

Yeah!

(crowd jeering)

Get him... Get him off.

I joined the wrestling team so I could get a varsity letter,

but now I was afraid I would get three of them--

D.O.A.

Smart bastard.

He used a Manhattan Neck Snap.

They just legalized it.

You didn't mention I could get my neck snapped.

We had a lot to go over.

That might be something you want to mention.

Look, you want to get your letter?

Get out on that mat-- now.

(crowd shouting encouragement)

The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler

to compete in this weight class,

and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish

win by default!

(cheering)

Look at you, with your win by forfeit, huh?

You're one step closer to that letter.

I'm just glad my neck still works.

Back at school, the Black Plague was killing them.

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering continues)

While I was on top of the world,

Tonya was just trying to get put on.

Have you found a third member yet?

No, not yet, but I will soon.

See ya tomorrow.

See ya.

See ya!

* So all you fly mothers

* Get on out there and dance

* Dance, I said

* Salt-N-Pepa's hit, and we're in effect *

* Want you to push it, babe

* Coolin' by day, then at night working up a sweat *

* Come on, girls, let's go show the guys *

* That we know how to become number one *

* In a hot party show

* Now push it

* Push it *

* Push it good

* Push it *

* Push it real good

* Ah, push it *

* Push it good.

(turns off music)

Whoa.

When did you learn how to do that?

It doesn't matter.

Now, am I in the group or not?

Yeah.

All right, then.

While Tonya had made the group,

my mother was making more shakes.

I made extra in case anybody wants seconds.

Nobody wanted firsts.

Hey, Chris, how's it going on the wrestling team?

Oh, I'm undefeated. They call me the Black Plague.

Isn't that an insult?

Well, I'm just glad you're winning.

You don't want to know the things they called

Jackie Robinson.

If you really want to know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

You know, these shakes would be really good

with a burger and some fries.

Can we get some real food?

Yeah. I'm hungry. Me, too.

Look, why don't

we all just give this diet a chance?

I think it's pretty good, actually.

My father didn't really like the shakes.

He just found out it was cheaper than groceries.

And, you know, since we've been on this diet,

I've saved over $50 in groceries.

Told you.

While I was waiting on my letter,

Drew was handing his out.

So these are your costumes.

I don't like these.

What's wrong with what I had on?

It'll look better on TV.

Tonya, just wear what I gave you.

Okay, we have rehearsals every day at 3:00.

I'm not rehearsing at 3:00.

That's when I watch my game shows.

Let's do it at 4:00.

Is that cool with y'all?

Yeah. Works for me.

Later, it turned out everybody in the house

was on a diet when they were together.

When they were apart, it was a different story.

My mother ate fries...

Tonya ate slices...

Drew ate doughnuts...

And I ate it all.

What's all this for?

Something to show our appreciation

for representing our school so well.

And, if you get a letter,

there's more where that came from.

A lot more. A lot more.

Unfortunately, they were still talking about cookies.

The only one who was drinking

instead of eating was my father.

This stuff is pretty good!

Y'all want some more? No.

No. That's all right. I gotta go

clip my toenails.

More for me.

While my father was pounding shakes,

I was pounding cake.

Chris, get on the scale.

Hold this.

One-fourteen.

You're going to have to wrestle a class up today.

How did that happen?

What did you expect?

You ate a couple pieces of pound cake,

so you gained a couple of pounds.

Anyways, I gotta go to drama club.

Be careful out there, man.

I'm not worried about it.

What difference could a pound make?

None, unless I had to fight somebody.

(whistle blows)

(grunting)

Ow.

Not even Don King could have fixed that match.

Unfortunately for me, they found a cure

for the Black Plague: a good ass whooping.

Hey, Coach.

Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

I'm not your coach anymore.

What?

Yeah, look, you had a good run,

but you're off the team.

How am I off the team?

I was undefeated.

Look, at 113, you were 7-0,

but you gained weight, you went up a class.

You're 0-1.

I'm sorry there, Plague.

Reign of terror is done.

Do I still get my varsity letter?

Look, you showed up for practice,

you put in the time, and you won by forfeit.

I can't penalize you for that,

but when you actually had to compete

against somebody, you lost.

Now, I could give you a letter,

but it would be an "L" for "loser."

Maybe next time. (hisses in pain)

Let's go.

Hey.

(both girls groan)

Oh, Chris.

What were you thinking, getting out on that mat?

I was trying to get a varsity letter.

Well, you didn't need to go out there

and let those boys go upside your head for that.

There are other ways to get a letter.

Like what?

You could audition for the drama club.

You can get a letter for being an actor? Sure.

I bet you'd be a natural, like Jim Kelly, Jim Brown,

Blackula, O.J. Simpson.

Your people have a natural facility for deception.

Why not use it to your advantage?

'Cause I'm too busy robbing people,

dealing drugs and making babies.

While I was thinking about acting, Tonya was acting out.

* Baby, baby

* Ooh, baby, baby.

All right, that was pretty good.

It was sloppy.

Let's take it from the top. No, Tonya, it was fine.

Do you want fine or spectacular?

All right, let's take it from the top.

Thank you.

("Push it" by Salt-N-Pepa playing)

* Push it...

And five, six, seven, eight.

You're eating a Slopper?

You want a bite?

So I've been spending money on shakes

while you've been wasting money on food?

Only my father would think food was a waste of money.

ALL: Yes.

I work two jobs, and you let me leave the house

with nothing on my stomach

but a fish juice shake?

Not cool, unless your husband's a shark.

If this is how you do when you're trying to get skinny,

I'd rather have you fat.

That's what Kirstie Alley's man said to her.

Chris, I'm so glad you decided to audition.

I need a letter.

So, what have you prepared for us, Chris?

I would like to do a selection from Uncle Ben's Cabin.

You mean Uncle Tom's Cabin? No.

Uncle Ben's-- it's a lesser known work

by Mark Twain's cousin, Dwayne.

Dwayne Twain?

Yes. Go ahead.

Rice, rice, rice.

You think all I knows is rice?

I was there when George Washington Carver

shucked that first peanut.

I make yams and corn and cotton,

but all America wants is them little grains of rice.

I gives

and I gives...

...till I can't gives no more.

Still I rise.

Oh, Chris, I have just the part for you in our next production.

At the video shoot, Tonya was ready for her close-up.

Look, Tonya, for the sake of art and commerce,

let's just get along, okay?

Honey, it's showtime.

Roll the tape.

Start the camera.

("Push It" playing)

* Ooh, baby, baby

* Baby, baby

* Ooh, baby, baby

* B-baby, baby...

I'm still mad.

Does that make it better?

A little.

How about that?

Mmm... that's pretty good.

How about that?

Why was I mad again?

(chuckling)

While my parents were making up, I was acting out.

Oh, Abe,

this is a wonderful play.

I think you're going to like it.

(gun popping)

(cheering, applause)

Yo, keep sending in those videos, but remember,

your song has to be original to be aired.

Keep watching Video Turntable.

Well, thanks for the rehearsal space.

Yeah, too bad it didn't pay off,

but any idiot knows

you're supposed to sing your own songs.

That's okay.

You guys will figure out something better next time.

Yeah, well, good luck.

There won't be a next time with me.

I'm taking the other girls

and we're starting our own group.

Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Ooh...

Bam!

(chuckling)

Ma, why are you wearing my jeans?

These are my jeans.

No, they're not.

They're my ten dollar lucky jeans.

I always keep ten dollars in the right front pocket.

You mean I've been killing myself

to get into a boy's pair of pants?

You and Michael Jackson.

That was...

$98.45 worth of wasted shakes.

It's not a total waste.

(smacks)

Baby, give me a biscuit.

You're a terrible producer.

The next day at school,

my quest for a varsity letter finally came to an end.

What's this?

It's your letter.

This is a letter.

Exactly.

It's a letter welcoming you into the Varsity Drama Club.

If only I could letter in choking the principal out.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org