Original subtitles

(engine stops)

♪ ♪

(knocking)

Don't say a word.

MAN (in distance): Honey, have you seen my pajamas?

Please...

Shut up.

(classical music playing over stereo)

All right, sit down.

Sit down. Stay here.

(turns up volume)

(cocks gun)

Honey, what the hell...

(grunts)

Please, please don't hurt us.

Hey, who are you?

W-We're the...

Where's Marchette?

Who?

Anthony Marchette!

WOMAN: He doesn't live here anymore.

We bought this house from his estate three years ago.

What do you mean, his estate?

MAN: The-the man you're looking for

committed suicide, uh,

about three weeks after his daughter died.

Just-just don't hurt us, okay?

(uncocks gun)

I'm sorry.

(knocking)

Hey.

Hello.

I, uh, borrowed your comb.

That's no problem.

Do you have a toothbrush I can use?

Uh, yeah.

Here, use mine.

No, that's okay.

I'll, um...

Kelly, we just, um, we just slept together and I...

I know, I know.

It's just a little gross, that's all.

You don't want to, you don't want to use it?

(laughs): No. All right, in that case, out.

Out, cootie girl.

I need five minutes for a shower.

So you want to do something else?

Mm-hmm. Yeah?

I want to do something personal and exclusively with you.

(both moan)

Like a late movie?

Mm-mm. (chuckles)

How about bowling?

Mm, I don't think so.

No?

Excuse me.

Hi. Um, we're gonna go grab

a midnight snack. You want to come?

I think we have plans.

Got you.

Hey, warning: storm front ahead.

Steve's smarting over the Art of the Pick Up debacle.

All the guys are really pissed at him.

(laughs)

Want to cheer him up?

Later, much later.

(chuckles): Okay.

(both chuckling)

(sighs)

Oh, yeah, finally.

I know. (moans)

(rock music playing loudly)

Steve!

Ah!

Don't you have earplugs?

(chuckles)

You know what, let's take a bubble bath.

Oh, yeah.

(laughs)

Wait!

Oh, occupied.

(gasps) Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

I'm out of here.

Oh, what was the plan again?

I don't know.

(motorcycle approaching)

I want you to stay at my house tonight.

Huh-uh. Okay? What do you mean, huh-uh?

Come on. You don't need anything. I mean, I need something.

I'll drive. Just get in the car with me... Dylan, hey.

Hi.

You look terrible.

Yeah, well, you know, he's sick; he has the flu.

I'm gonna take care of him over at the beach house.

So we'll see you later.

Bye.

Are you high?

I need to be.

Ju-Just please come with me.

Please.

Just say yes.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Stuck between young and old ♪

♪ Don't know who I am ♪

♪ I feel like I'm walking in quicksand ♪

♪ Like a statue, I stand in line ♪

♪ Like a victim at the scene of the crime ♪

♪ I'm searching for some kind of sign ♪

♪ I'm running out of time ♪

♪ Don't make me wait too long ♪

♪ Got to, got to give me a sign ♪

♪ And don't make me wait too long ♪

♪ I'm running out... ♪

What were you going to do, kill him?

I think so.

(sighs): Geez...

Dylan, when was the last time you used?

I mean, I thought you said you weren't addicted.

I lied.

Of course you lied; you're a junkie.

Look, I don't know.

Just, at first, it was a couple of times

in the week and then every day.

Who's counting?

Okay. Okay.

(sighs)

I'm gonna cancel all my appointments.

No. Yes. I'm gonna cancel

all my appointments. I want to help you.

It's not this that I need help through, okay?

In a couple of hours, it's gonna, I'm just,

I'm gonna be sick. I don't care.

You don't know!

How do you, how can you say that?!

It just sounds like...

I do know.

I'm telling you,

when you see me on the other side of something like that,

there's no way that you could ever want to be with me.

(panting)

You want to be with me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

STEVE: You know, Kelly was at the house last night

having sex with Matt.

Yeah, but they've been dating for awhile.

Yeah, well, my recruits are primed for battle.

They're this close to success.

If you consider sex with a stranger a triumph.

And then she goes spouting this "go slow" propaganda

over the P.A. system at the bar.

There but for the grace of Kelly...

A dozen losers would have lied their way into bed.

Well, I think that's genius.

It's fungus.

Fungus?

I'm looking for Steve Sanders.

Yeah, well, as a matter of fact...

He's right here.

A subpoena-- small claims court.

Zimmer-- he wants his tuition back.

Well, it's $250, you know.

Just give it to him.

OFFICER: I didn't realize.

These are yours, too.

Five, ten...

There's, like, 20.

20-- that's the whole class.

That's $5,000.

DAVID: Steve Sanders.

Hundred copies of The Art of the Pick Up.

Oh, at-home training for dirtbag losers.

Huh?

You owe me a grand.

Did you see anyone score last night?

I mean, any of my students?

No, not exactly.

Not one?

I mean, you were there.

Um...

Oh, no, you didn't.

You met someone?

Her-her name is Gertrude, and she's a great girl.

You see? It works.

Just-just tell me that you didn't

use one of his lines, please.

Well, I did kind of mention, um...

Oh, this is so wrong.

...growing up in an orphanage.

(laughs)

That's just in case you meet her, okay?

To keep the story straight.

STEVE: Oh, sure.

DONNA: Okay, Mom, it's no problem.

Yeah, just send me a postcard.

Okay, bye.

Oh, my parents take the weirdest vacations.

Oh, yeah? Where they going?

They're leaving tomorrow

for a barn-raising tour of the Amish country.

(chuckles) What?

They just want me to stop by the house,

water the plants, pick up the mail.

You know, the dutiful daughter stuff.

You know what we should do?

We should watch their house for a few days.

I don't think so.

Come on, it'd be great.

Me and you, nobody else.

Sorry, but my childhood home

isn't exactly the perfect romantic getaway spot.

As a matter of fact,

the whole concept completely freaks me out.

I know, but it's...

Besides, my parents would totally trip.

Why don't we just try your place again.

Try my place again?

You were with me last night at my place, remember?

(laughs): Oh.

How could I forget

the Walsh house has turned into a 24/7 frat party.

I know.

You know what I miss?

I miss the boat and you and me.

That's what I miss.

Yeah, that was nice.

Yeah, and then there's skinny dipping.

Mm, that was real nice.

Oh, yeah.

You know, my parents do have a pool

with very big walls surrounding it.

Total privacy, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Pack a bag.

Hey. Hey.

What's this for?

It's for me.

It's a toothbrush,

for your place.

Wow.

Bathroom supplies.

That's, uh...

Thank you for the free consult. I appreciate it.

Hey, well, I got a coffee out of it, didn't I?

So, um-- Kelly, this is Brian Janette.

Brian, uh, this is my friend Kelly Taylor.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

BRIAN: So you got everything?

MATT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I'll give you a call after the first hearing,

but I think we're

in pretty good shape, man, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Thanks.

Friend?

Just a client. This guy lives with his mom,

breeds guinea pigs in the garage and the zoning committee's

trying to run them out of the neighborhood.

These are all your fault.

What?

The Art of the Pick Up--

it's a total bust.

Now I got 20 students dragging me

to small claims court.

Why don't you talk to my "friend" here.

Oh, nice.

Thank you very much, Kelly.

All right, my thought on strategy is that...

Uh, Steve.

What?

This is small claims court.

Um, no lawyers allowed.

There's no lawyers allowed in small claims court?

No, no lawyers.

Matt, you were gonna win this for me.

This was gonna be our Perry Mason moment.

If it's TV justice you're interested in,

you should give my buddy a call.

He's a legal consultant on Judge Mary.

Judge Mary.

Prove my case and spread the gospel according to Sanders.

Well, is there a better use for the public airwaves?

I don't think so.

Uh, Steve, just so you know,

technically, it still is a court.

With a female judge.

Have you seen the show?

No.

But it's a piece of cake.

You're one hell of an attorney.

Matt Durning, attorney at law.

Send you the bill.

Okay, you and Matt--

spill it, please.

Well, we've had two sleepovers.

And you haven't told me?

You're losing valuable best friend points.

Doesn't really matter.

Probably over, anyway.

Why?

I gave him a toothbrush to keep at his place, for me.

Bold.

Yeah.

Why didn't I just ask

to open up a joint checking account?

That would have been less forward.

Oh, relax.

How did he react?

Oh, he introduced me as his friend.

Oh.

See? He's already moved on.

I-I'm sure you're just overanalyzing it.

And how am I not suppose to do that?

You know, just, um, play it cool.

Let him take the lead; don't tip your hand.

Play it cool.

Eh, don't listen to me; I'm just jealous.

Jealous of what?

Look at me; I'm a nervous wreck.

You know, new boyfriends,

they're like unexplored terrain.

They're exciting-- finding out their likes and their dislikes

and their quirks.

And I just kind of miss it.

This coming from half of the practically married couple.

(chuckles)

Which reminds me.

You're cordially invited to a barbecue day after tomorrow

in the suburbs.

Noah and I are house-sitting my parents' place.

Oh, how domestic.

Well, not if I can help it.

(chuckles)

GINA: I know I didn't have to do this,

but I figured you probably didn't want to go out.

Oh, okay.

You seem like you're better.

Come with me.

I slept half the day.

Okay, wait, I have to tell you this.

(sighs loudly) I'm better at room service.

Yeah, me, too.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I tried though.

Come here.

(both moan)

Okay, we have to eat.

I'm serious we really have to eat

because I've never cooked for anyone before.

Okay.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

(clears throat)

You like spaghetti right?

Uh... yeah.

It looks great.

Okay, good.

You should go first.

Uh, go ahead.

Please?

No appetite?

Oh, just, you know, give me a minute, Gina.

You think I'm stupid, Dylan?

You think I don't know you're wasted right now.

Wh-- Hey, come here.

No, don't. You know what, Dylan, don't even touch me.

In fact, just, just go.

(exhales sharply)

Really? Wow.

Instead of hitting the streets after school, kids can come by

the community center.

We have volunteers to help with tutoring

and there's basketball.

Wow, that sounds like a great program.

Yeah, I love it.

It exposes them to so many opportunities.

I was thinking maybe we could go by the After Dark later.

The other night, I couldn't believe

what a pickup scene that place had turned into.

Come on, get out of here. That's where we met.

Yeah, but you were different.

You didn't try to hook me with some line.

You opened up.

Right. You're right.

Hey, I just thought of something.

A lot of my kids are orphans, too.

You should come by

and talk to them.

No, no.

I wouldn't know what to say.

You grew up scared and alone with no guidance or support.

Now you have your own radio show.

You're a public figure.

Yeah, yeah, but I only do it a few nights a week.

You're a role model to these kids.

It would mean a lot to them.

And to me.

(siren whoops)

(indistinct radio chatter)

Get off the bike, please.

Off the bike.

Hands on your head.

Why is that you guys pulled me over?

A motorcycle with plates matching yours was reported

at the scene of a breaking and entering last night.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?

Not a thing.

And you threatened them with a gun.

You don't know anything about that either?

Know anything about this?

Not a clue.

Have it your way.

Night in jail should refresh your memory.

(handcuffs clicking)

(sighs)

Four bedrooms, a hot tub, a pool,

and they are all ours.

Want to play house?

Noah...

I want to play doctor.

And I know exactly where my dad keeps his stethoscope.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Now for absolute seclusion.

I'll turn off the ringer.

Okay.

I have put the alarm on,

and now nobody, I mean, nobody can bother us.

Just the way I like it. Me, too.

(clattering)

What was that?

I think someone's in the living room.

Oh, hey.

You must be the daughter.

Hi.

Mrs. Martin said you'd be stopping by.

You're kidding me, how long is this gonna take?

Uh, I can't say.

Don't worry.

We'll stay out of your way.

That's fine. We'll just, um--

we're gonna be upstairs. Oh, uh,

we're going up there next.

Your mom picked out a lovely Berber for the bedrooms.

Let's go to the pool. Great.

Ooh. Watch the fumes.

A couple of my guys are Scotch-guarding

the area rugs back there.

Scotch-guard.

Romantic.

Great.

(whimpers)

DYLAN: Did you tell anyone?

No. I left a message for Matt.

There's gotta be somebody else.

Do you know any good lawyers?

I've never dated a drug addict before,

so I didn't really come prepared.

I'm gonna stop.

Yeah.

That was yesterday's pickup line.

Look at-- I-I think there's probably an outside chance

you could probably do a little better than someone who was

a junkie. This really isn't about me.

So why don't we talk about you, okay?

What the hell did you come down here for?

I don't even--

I don't know.

Why you trying to kill yourself again?

You get Matt and you drag him down here.

Why?

'Cause I have to get out of...

Why, so you can score?

I can't come down in... in here.

BAILIFF: Order.

All rise.

Your Honor, case number 4-3-77

in the matter Zimmer, et al, v. Sanders

Thank you.

All right there are 20 of you and you

are the spokesman, Mr. Zimmer?

Yes, your honor.

And as I understand your complaint,

you all took a seminar

from Professor Sanders here

on how to seduce women.

And you all passed this seminar,

but then you failed to seduce women.

Is this right?

That's correct.

Sir, are we keeping you from something?

No, uh, it's just my star witness hasn't arrived yet.

I see.

Where did you obtain your Ph.D., Professor?

It's metaphorical.

Deception number one.

Mr. Zimmer,

have you ever heard

of caveat emptor?

That is to say "let the buyer beware"?

Yes...

...but what about his guarantee?

What, you wait until now to tell me about a guarantee?

Mr. Zimmer, do not

rely on me to present your case for you.

Do you understand that?

Thank you, sir.

Now, do you have that guarantee in writing?

Yes.

Give it to me.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Well, they don't look too satisfied to me,

Professor.

(knocking on door)

Hey. Hey.

Listen, are you doing anything tonight?

Uh, I'm meeting with Brian Janette.

You know, the, um...

Guinea pig guy. Oh, yeah.

So how about tomorrow night?

I don't know yet.

Uh, maybe this weekend.

Great, yeah, that'd be good. Yeah.

I was thinking maybe we could go up to Santa Barbara.

It's really beautiful up there. Uh...

uh, see, the thing is,

I have a stack of motions to go through and, um...

Oh, yeah, sure.

I shouldn't have assumed that...

No, let's do something Saturday night.

You know,

if you have plans already I understand.

Come on, I didn't say that.

I just have a little work to do

and that'll be it.

Hi. Matt, I need your help.

What's wrong?

Dylan was arrested

for trespassing.

What? Where?

The Marchette house.

But Mr. Marchette is dead.

You knew that and you didn't tell Dylan?

I thought he knew.

You didn't ask him about it? The subject

was off limits-- people close to him respected that, okay?

Uh, a little help here?

Antonia Marchette was Dylan's wife.

She was killed three years ago.

Her father was responsible.

He also moved her grave. Did you know that?

Oh, right. Well, uh, I should go to the station.

But, uh, is there anything else I should know?

What, what, what is it?

Well, you know what?

It doesn't really have anything to do with you.

So maybe if you could leave us alone for a second,

that would be great.

Fine.

What's going on? How bad is it?

He had a gun.

And when they arrested him, they found some heroin.

All right.

My grandmother made the best ice tea.

(voice breaking): She, uh, she, uh...

Excuse me.

Oh, no, please, stay. Tell me.

Well, she was making ice tea last time I saw her,

before they took her to the hospital.

Before I went to the orphanage.

You poor thing. Come here.

So this is your famous technique?

Yes, and it's available for $29.95.

Stop the tape!

Mr. Sanders, do not hawk your wares in my courtroom.

I am not one of your pigeons.

Would you excuse me?

Young lady, young lady at the back!

Hello. Yes, aren't you the woman on the tape?

Yes.

Name?

It's, uh, Janet Sosna.

Do you know the defendant?

Uh, well, we work together.

Was the encounter on the tape real or scripted?

Well, it, it was an improv piece.

But fiction nonetheless.

I hope he pays you a lot.

Yeah.

(scoffs)

Uh, Your Honor,

my witness is here. He can

testify that the technique does work

when applied properly.

(clears throat)

Come on!

Sorry. Where have you been?

I was with Gertrude.

Oh, the girl who fell for the technique.

You know, I really like that girl.

Mm-hmm.

By the way, I got your subpoena.

Looked authentic, didn't it?

Would you mind talking so that we can all hear?

State your name.

Uh, David Silver.

Don't mumble, Mr. Silver.

Now tell me, how exactly did it work for you?

Well, um... I met this girl,

and-and we started talking...

Did you

or did you not use the techniques

of Mr. Sanders?

Yeah. I-I used approach number 13.

Lucky 13.

The Grandma Approach.

(laughs)

I'm a grandma.

Really?

No!

She doesn't look it.

MATT: A couple of years on the possession.

Five to ten for the assault.

Now, I'm gonna be honest with you, Dylan.

You're looking at some serious time.

Ma-Make it go away.

Yeah. That's how it works.

(clears throat)

Now the, uh... the gun you pointed at the happy

couple-- was it loaded?

What if I plead guilty?

For starters, no bail.

Oh.

(sniffles)

How's the withdrawal going?

Not guilty.

That's-That's my plea.

Okay.

The, uh... the arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Huh? Oh, no way.

I'm not gonna spend another night in here.

48 hours.

They're under the wire legally, so it's backed up.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

(clears throat)

By the way, if I get you bail, we're going straight to a rehab

center, okay?

Yeah, fine. Whatever. Did you get Gina in here?

Yeah, it wasn't easy,

so make it quick.

(buzzer sounds)

Hey.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

(sighs)

Um, there's a... there's-there's this can of tennis balls in a...

in a laundry bag in the bottom of my closet.

What? Wait. I don't understand what you're talking about.

Inside is, um, a little balloon, and I need you...

I'm not doing that for you. Gine.

Gina, you just got to help me though this,

and I-I promise you, no more.

You're such a liar.

I'm not gonna make it in here.

I can't.

STEVE: Judge,

it's a sad, sad lonely world.

Make it fast, Mr. Sanders.

It's a world of missed opportunities,

moments lost, happiness unattained.

Do I have the solution, the answer to these problems?

No.

But in my own small, confident, completely foolproof way,

I've managed to pass along a little

genius that might brighten the lives

of a few men and lucky women.

(scoffing) STEVE: Now, if bringing

that kind of happiness into the world is a crime,

well, then, I'm guilty.

On that note...

here's my judgment.

Maybe the plaintiffs

did the technique right, maybe they didn't.

Mr. Silver's efforts seemed

to have garnered some success.

He leaves here today the proud winner

of a deeply flawed relationship.

Regarding your other students,

I find there was a bona fide guarantee in effect.

I find in favor of the plaintiffs for $5,000.

(cheering and applause)

NOAH: Yes, the bedroom is ours.

Uh, uh!

That's my parents' room.

So?

So, inside's my parents' bed.

Yeah?

They sleep in that bed.

Right.

And they... Ew!

Too weird.

No problem.

No problem.

Right in here. Oh, no, no, no!

Why?

Mm. That's my old room

and...

Mr. Honeytum's in there.

Mr. Honeytum?

Yeah, my teddy bear.

He'd be watching us.

I don't think he'll mind in this case.

Oh, I think he would.

I mean, I couldn't...

Okay. Is there anywhere in here we can?

Um... yeah.

Right here in this hallway.

No memories here.

I say we make some then.

Mmm. All right. (laughs)

DONNA: Mmm! (beeping)

(gasps)

Oh, no!

Oh, God.

KELLY: So, it was senior year in high school,

and we were supposed to be dissecting starfish...

Mm-hmm.

...and the night before, Dylan broke in

and freed them all.

He took them back to the tide pools.

Oh. Mm. So you're telling me,

when he holds a couple at gunpoint,

his heart's in the right place?

He left town the day after his wife was buried.

He's had zero closure.

When can I talk to him?

Uh, I'm working as quickly as I can.

Just let me do that, okay?

All right. I know. I'm just worried.

I... I don't know what's going on.

Well, he's gonna be out on bail tomorrow.

Okay, that's the legal update.

Now, what's really going on with him?

I don't know, Kelly.

He's your friend.

(scoffs) I'll say it one more time.

There's nothing going on between me and Dylan.

I know. I know. I know. I know.

Then why, every time I bring him up,

you get all weird?

No, I don't.

All right, if it's not about Dylan, then it's about us.

I just sort of feel like we keep missing each other.

What are you... What are you talking about? How?

I, um,

asked you to go away for the weekend,

and you backed down.

Oh. Kelly, if I could take you away for a month, I would do it.

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

It's just that,

well, money's a little tight right now.

I'm sorry. I... I didn't think...

Oh. I just don't know

where our relationship is right now.

Well, that's funny, because I think it's going great.

So we're more than just friends?

What are you talking about?

Friends.

That's what you told the guinea pig guy.

(laughs)

The guinea pig guy. Right, right, right.

I get it. I get it.

Hmm.

Where are you going?

Matt, what are you doing?

Can I have your attention, please?

I'd like to introduce to you my girlfriend, Kelly Taylor.

Yes, she is amazing,

she is beautiful, she is wonderful,

and she is my girlfriend.

Yes. Here she is.

Do you think anyone, uh,

heard me? I did.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

This is the fourth false alarm this month.

Now, I got no choice but to give you a fine.

For what?

For our timely response.

Are we done? DONNA: Look, could you please

send the bill to me and not to my parents?

I mean, it's my fault, I forgot the password. Please?

(indistinct radio transmission)

All right, forget about it

this time.

I was young and in love once.

Be careful, guys.

Okay.

Thank you.

(indistinct radio transmission)

(touch tones sounding)

(sighs)

(laughs) What? It's not funny.

I know.

Look, I'll take you to dinner, okay?

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Wait! Ooh! (beeping)

(sighs) (laughing)

Oh, no.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

The arraignment is at 2:00 tomorrow.

Oh.

Tomorrow sounds so far away.

DYLAN: Yeah, I know.

Gina...

I need something from you.

I know. Drugs.

I'll go into rehab tomorrow, and I can go in there

puking my guts out, doubled over,

or I can walk into that clinic and make a choice to get well.

Dylan, I already told you, the answer is no.

Well, then, you better get ready to come to my funeral then,

'cause I'm not gonna make it.

Please don't say that.

We could be great together, you and me.

All right. Time's up.

(sighs)

I only get one phone call.

Don't make me think this was wasted.

(dial tone hums)

(phone beeps off)

Too bad we forgot our swimsuits, huh?

Oh, yeah, real tragedy.

(chuckling)

Don't you two ever answer the phone?

Hey.

Um, we, uh, just...

turned the ringer off.

Or your doorbell?

What's all that stuff?

Your suburban backyard barbecue, remember?

It's a beautiful day.

Hmm. Yep.

Perfect.

(Donna and Noah laughing)

I brought the onion dip.

Are you guys naked?

(chuckles) Towel, please.

(both laughing)

Uh, where-where's Gina?

You're welcome.

Hey, they just read the charges today.

If you get them dropped, I'll thank you.

Have you seen any sign of her?

Look, Dylan, this rehab center,

they can't take you until after 6:00 pm, so...

Are you hearing me? 'Cause I'm looking for Gina.

I don't know. The fact that she's not out here

with open arms singing "Yip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah"

is beyond me. Okay,

why don't you just give me a ride home, then?

Thought we'd go to a party. You're cute,

but I'm not in the mood.

Come on, your friends are gonna be there. Gina?

You could tell 'em what you been doing.

What, humiliation? Nice tactic.

No, I think it'll be good for you.

You can use their support.

I can use their support?

You know I could do anything.

Do you really think that if I--

if I want to get high that you

or anybody who is there could stop me?

You know how many possession cases I've handled?

Jail time, no jail time-- addicts go south.

And that's what you are, Dylan, an addict.

You might think you're different

'cause you got a few bucks in your pocket.

Well, you're wrong.

You are weak and you will end up in jail again.

Thanks. I'm scared straight now.

Yeah, well, maybe you'll get lucky.

Maybe you get one bad batch and you're dead.

You know what? I'll find you another lawyer.

Just, do we-- do we gotta go right--

over right now?

Yeah, we do.

So, David...

Yes?

We hear that you're seeing someone new.

Really? Who said that?

Oh, just-just spreading the good news.

So, when do we

get to meet her?

I don't know.

We decided to take things slow.

Wow, David, I'm impressed.

Mm-hmm.

Don't be.

Forgot the salsa.

I'll get it.

KELLY: Hi.

Dylan, I'm glad to see you.

Me, too.

Hey, you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

Uh, where's the closest bathroom, Don?

Uh, pool house.

It's right...

Fine.

Hey, man.

Whoa.

Wow, he doesn't look so good.

Is he sick? Uh, yeah.

A little bit.

Maybe he should go home.

No, he's gonna be okay.

Hey, Matt.

Dude, you are the man

of the hour!

Judge Mary went great.

It was my proudest moment.

Don't listen to him, Matt.

She ripped him to shreds.

Take it you lost?

Please.

There's no such thing as bad publicity and the show pays.

So I'm covered for my five grand.

Plus, I get to be on TV

in less than five minutes.

(laughing)

Oh, goody, you're here.

He's in the pool house.

Thanks.

You want to fill me in?

No.

Kelly, come on.

You're gonna miss it.

ANNOUNCER (on TV): You are about to enter the courtroom

of Judge Mary Addison.

The people are real,

the cases are real, the rulings are final.

This is her courtroom.

This is Judge Mary.

These plaintiffs took a seminar

from this man on how to seduce women.

Professor Steve Sanders.

They say the technique didn't work,

and now they want their money back.

He says they didn't follow instructions

and he owes them nothing.

(coughing)

(groans)

Hey.

(breathing heavily)

I, uh, I can't really get my breath right now.

Just tell everybody I'll be out in-in a minute.

And-and I got something I want to say to 'em.

I went by the house.

I did what you wanted.

I hate you.

I really hate you.

(sighs)

Damn it, Gina.

She was making ice tea last time I saw her.

Before they took her to the hospital.

(chuckling)

Before I went to the orphanage.

You poor thing. Come here.

Oh.

So, this is your famous technique?

Yes.

And it's available for 29.95.

JUDGE: Stop the tape!

Mr. Sanders, do not hawk your wares in my courtroom.

I am not one of your pigeons.

Would you look at me make television history.

I don't need to see this.

Young lady, young lady at the back. Hello, yes.

Aren't you the woman on the tape?

Yes.

JUDGE: Name?

JANET: It's, uh, Janet.

Gertrude, hey. What are you

doing here? Hi, Janet.

Hey! So my directions were okay?

No problem. Oh, good.

I hope it's okay that I came around the back.

Wait a second, you two know each other?

Janet used to volunteer at the community center.

Yeah, we bumped into each other at the store today.

I started bragging

about this great guy that I'm seeing.

Small world, huh?

Tiny.

The kids made it.

They loved your story about only wearing

secondhand tennis shoes at the orphanage.

Gertrude, I need to talk to you.

STEVE: Gertrude? Oh, the girl...

Hi. Hi.

Um, oh, we're gonna eat in a few minutes.

I want to-- I'm just gonna take this out,

and check on the grill real quick.

JUDGE: Do you mind talking to us...

You know, uh, she might need some help out there.

Okay, but I'd love to meet your friends.

Sure.

Later.

How exactly did it work for you? David.

I met this girl and-and we started talking.

JUDGE: Did you or did you not Is that you?

use the techniques

of Mr. Sanders?

Yeah.

I-I used approach number 13.

Lucky 13.

The grandma approach.

I'm a grandma.

What is this?

It's Judge Mary.

JUDGE: Would you tell me She is tough.

exactly how you made it work for you? Why is she talking to you?

DAVID: I sat down next to this girl at the bar

and, uh, I told her Everyone,

that her drink reminded me... that was Gertrude.

She just really wanted to come.

Really? Yeah.

Did you even try and dissuade her?

Mmm...

no, not really, no.

I-I told her

that the last time my grandmother made me that ice tea

was on a hot sunny day,

right before she sent me to the orphanage.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Using that line to pick up women.

You used that line on me.

DAVID: I am, actually.

JUDGE: And you're standing there now telling me that this pathetic...

I know.

Look...

I really-- I like you a lot.

JUDGE: Order! And I'm-I'm really sorry.

What do you say?

I mean, come on, just give me another chance.

No.

Dave, Dave.

I think Gertie

really likes you.

She's into you, she'll be back.

Trust me.

You aren't worth the paste this is made with.

You want me to talk to her for you?

(door slams)

No.

Everything's gonna be great between us.

You just... Don't touch me.

Just don't touch me.

Don't touch me! It's just for today.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm gonna leave. Why?

Just ask Dylan. Oh, don't...

Come on, Gina.

Hey, what's wrong? (sighs)

No, she's sweet on me. Oh!

(grunts)

You wouldn't have had Gertrude

if it wasn't for me, so don't give me that.

I wouldn't be going straight to hell either, Steve.

Donna! Hey!

Dylan! Dylan!

DAVID: Call 9-1-1, man! Come on!

Oh, my God, I'll go call an ambulance.

DAVID: Noah!

I don't know CPR, man.

I-I got it!

Dylan, what happened?

Dylan!

We got a pulse.

Come on, breathe, Donna.

Come on.