Original subtitles

(birds singing)

To Muntz, the first of my KEG brethren

to freefall into the clutches of matrimony.

Till death do you part, man.

I'll drink to that.

You know, this whole marriage thing

is becoming like an epidemic.

First Andrea, then Dylan.

Now Muntz.

'Course Andrea is getting a divorce.

What made you do it, man?

STEVE: Was it a crowbar?

Full moon? Venus in retrograde?

STEVE: Shotgun? No, no.

Uh, Julie's a great girl, and I love her.

That's all there is to it.

Hmm.

So which one of you two are next?

(both laughing)

Oh, ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Ah, commitment's never been my specialty.

I'll say.

However, bachelor parties, on the other hand...

Legendary.

Oh. No, no.

Julie kind of wants to keep things mellow. I...

Muntz, you can't get married without a bachelor party.

Uh-uh. It's...

It's un-American! It's un-American.

You're gonna have the bachelor party of all bachelor parties.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, you're gonna have the fiesta of all fiestas.

Fiesta del fiestavo. Huh?

Oh, God.

(laughter)

You boys are awfully chipper this morning.

What do you got there?

Oh, just a little heavy reading material

I found in your room.

BRANDON: Yes, you did.

It's research.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Guilty Pleasures is opening tomorrow.

It'll be the first store of its kind in Beverly Hills.

Well, I guess that's progress.

BRANDON: What, am I

in trouble for reading it?

No, no.

It just makes me feel a little weird finding it, that's all.

That's the way Guilty Pleasure'' neighbors feel.

They don't want it in the neighborhood.

Well, I can't say that I disagree with them.

I wouldn't want to walk past it

every day, either. BRANDON: Maybe not.

But they do have a legal right to be there.

STEVE: Hey, Kel,

Muntz here is getting married.

You are?!

Congratulations!

Oh, thank you. So, I guess

you won't be buying these anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah, I should probably cancel my subscriptions.

(laughs)

Ooh. God, that's gonna hurt.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, baby, you're beautiful. Right there.

Oh, don't move, don't move. Right there.

Beautiful. All right. Beautiful. (camera shutter clicking)

Let me see the apple. Put the apple up. Fantastic!

Let me see those eyes.

Beautiful, baby. All right, great.

Oh, beautiful. Don't move. Right there. Ah.

Hey, can I get some more light, please? MAN: I'm on it.

The set looks great, she looks beautiful. Thank you.

It's going good, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Can I help?

Yeah, you can make it perfect.

It will be.

Ah, it has to be.

This catalogue is really important.

Tell me about it.

It's costing us a fortune.

Worth every penny, though.

(chuckles)

Stop. Don't touch anything! I'm sorry, I...

Look, they're just... They're the only

dresses I have. I can't get them dirty.

Here, let me brush them off for you.

No, please, why... Look, why don't you go

get some coffee or something,

and I'll take care of this?

Are-are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive. Thank you.

A little over the top, don't you think?

They're the only clothes I brought today.

I can't afford to get them dirty.

Yeah, I know, but you kind of took her head off.

I mean, she's just trying to help.

You're right. I did.

(knocking)

Monica, are you in there?

Uh-huh.

I'm so sorry I yelled at you.

That's okay.

I feel better now.

No, it's not.

I-I'm so embarrassed. I've just...

I'm under a lot of pressure right now,

but that's no reason to take it out on you. I'm sorry.

I'm fine.

Thanks.

So, what-what can I do to help you?

Thank you.

(laughs)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I tell a better story than the one I heard today ♪

♪ I packed up all your things and threw them all away ♪

♪ You tore my soul into a million pieces ♪

♪ Now the memory that lingers will just fade away ♪

♪ Fade away ♪

♪ Oh, you're such a blur to me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm feeling happy now ♪

♪ I'm feeling happy now ♪

♪ With the slightest provocation ♪

♪ I dare to write you off ♪

♪ There's a subtle way of letting go of my thoughts ♪

♪ The toughest place inside of me ♪

♪ Won't echo with the shame ♪

♪ One thousand times he calls me ♪

♪ Now I'm full of pain... ♪

(phones ringing) (grunts)

Beverly Beat.

You want to place an ad?

Beverly Beat. This is Steve.

Personal ads? Absolutely.

We're the epicenter of love connections.

Thank you. Can you call back a little later?

I'm a little swamped. Thank you.

Where's Janet? (phone ringing)

This place is chaos central.

I sent her on some errands.

How many errands?

I haven't seen her in days.

It was a long list.

Obviously.

The truth is, Brandon, ever since the reunion,

it's been kind of awkward for me.

So what's your point?

I don't know what to say to her.

So your master plan is

to keep her out of the office?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, man,

but you're gonna have to come up with something else,

because we've got a newspaper to run,

not to mention the fact

we've got a bachelor party to plan.

Hey, I never almost dated someone I work with, okay?

Normally, you go out with a girl, and if it tanks,

you lose their number, but Janet...

Is not that easily disposable?

Exactly. This is gonna be a real challenge.

Janet! You're back so soon.

Yeah, I made an executive decision,

and I went to the supermarket for coffee

instead of driving all the way out to Santa Monica

for your special beans.

Oh.

Your taste buds

aren't that highly evolved.

You'll never know the difference.

Okay.

Bachelor party strategy.

We're gonna need some food--

preferably finger sandwiches--

and then some live entertainment.

I'm gonna leave the human resources to you.

Brilliant idea. JANET: You know, you can get

party favors at that new sex shop.

I was going to go there anyway to cover the grand opening.

Well, as publisher of the Beverly Beat,

I feel it's my duty to accompany you there.

Make sure no stone goes unturned.

Hmm.

And, uh, no love oil uninspected.

She seems okay with this whole sex shop thing.

Healthy girl.

Still waters run deep

and possibly kinky.

I like it.

(Valerie sighs)

Hey, David?

DAVID: Huh?

Wouldn't it be great to get away for a couple days?

DAVID: Yeah, that sounds great.

I mean, we could go up to Lake Arrowhead

and stay at a bed-and-breakfast, do some hiking or something.

Yeah, you plan it, I'll be there.

I mean, it just seems like forever

since we've had some time to ourselves,

you know? You know,

with this whole jingle thing,

we could schedule something during the week

if it's easier for you to get away from the club.

Yeah, that'd be great.

We really need this.

Yeah.

Mmm...

Mmm.

Mmm.

I got to take a shower.

No!

(sighs)

(water running)

This is one of the last salads I'm gonna have for a long time,

so I'd better make it last.

Doctor's orders. What's wrong? Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, but I'm gonna have a facelift

next week, and I won't be able to chew for a while.

I'll be drinking lots of smoothies.

You're kidding me. Honey, this is Beverly Hills.

We never joke about plastic surgery.

Mom, you look great. What are you thinking?

40% off for people in their forties got me started on it.

The thought of losing the bags under my eyes sealed the deal.

But your eyes are beautiful.

I look tired after ten hours of sleep.

Want some dessert?

Do we have any frozen yogurt?

Yup. Bought some just the other day.

I think we've got chocolate and vanilla.

Is it nonfat?

Ah, the vanilla is.

I'll have that, then.

Erin, I brought you some Rocky Road ice cream.

Want me to make you a sundae with hot-fudge sauce?

Ice cream's fattening.

But you're so skinny!

Yogurt only has 80 calories,

and I don't want to be a blob.

(sighs)

Now, that was a great movie.

Yeah.

Very funny.

Funny, romantic.

Great movie.

What's going on?

I was just thinking about my mom getting a facelift

when she completely does not need one;

my seven-year-old sister watching her weight.

You were thinking about your mom

and your sister during a romantic comedy?

I don't know.

It's like they're all trying to fulfill this male fantasy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

I've heard you and Donna go on and on about Brad Pitt.

No. I don't know.

The movie just made me think about it.

Can you imagine a movie

where the 60-year-old woman gets the 30-year-old stud?

Harold and Maude.

It was a joke.

Just promise me one thing:

When you're old and gray

and distinguished-looking, and I'm just old and gray

you'll still think I'm the sexiest thing around.

Well, that's gonna be easy,

but will you be able to get past my Dunlap?

(Kelly giggles)

You like him, don't you?

Oh, goes beyond like.

You know what?

There is a great reggae band

playing at the After Dark Thursday night.

You should invite him.

I don't know.

I think you should go for it.

So, Donna, I'll see you tomorrow?

Yes, you will.

MONICA: There's, um...

There's a reggae band playing at the After Dark on Thursday.

They're supposed to be really good.

Sounds like a plan.

See, that wasn't so hard.

I'm actually breathing.

(both laugh)

Wait, is there something on the dress here?

Oh.

Oh, my God, your arm!

Are you okay?

I-I'm so sorry.

I-I just got this new cat.

She's a little overeager for affection.

Can I get this dress cleaned for you?

No, no, no, that's fine.

We'll just, we'll use another one.

Are you sure? Positive.

Those scratches look pretty bad. Do they hurt?

Oh, no, no, no, they're mostly healing.

Um, she's finally getting out of that kitten stage.

Well, maybe you should just have a doctor check it

in case of infection.

Good idea.

So, um, in terms of tomorrow, I was thinking

that I'd get here around 8:00,

have things ready to go by the time Joe gets here.

Great.

You know, maybe you could look into having the cat declawed.

You know, my apartment is right next to a bakery.

Why don't I pick up some pastries and coffee,

and we can use some of it with atmosphere

for tomorrow's shots?

That sounds good.

Okay.

Um, well, if there's anything else that you need,

I left my pager number next to your purse,

and, uh, don't hesitate to call.

Thanks, you've been a huge help.

Okay.

(door closes)

There is no such thing as a small fantasy.

It starts with dirty books and movies,

and then it's strip clubs and plastic surgery.

You're taking this a little far, don't you think?

I just want to know that when you're with me,

you're thinking about me.

This is ridiculous.

If it's so ridiculous, then why do you still have this?

It's research.

I told you that.

Give me a break. Why do you really have it?

It's a guy thing.

Okay, it's no big deal.

(sighs)

I got it when we weren't together, how's that?

And that makes it okay?

I don't know why you're making such a big thing out of this.

It's just a magazine.

Then get rid of it.

Fine.

Happy now?

It's a start.

You know, just 'cause I threw that one away

doesn't mean I can't buy another one.

And that makes me feel real good, thank you.

I'm not trying to make you feel good, Kel.

This is what I'm trying to tell you.

This has got nothing to do with you.

I don't see it that way, Brandon.

WOMAN: This is a family town! MAN: No sex shops here!

That's right. We love our children.

STEVE: This is a pretty historic moment, boys.

We are about to enter the first sex shop

in the history of Beverly Hills.

This could make us pioneers.

It's a good crowd here, buddy.

This is going to make a pretty good story.

Hey, do you think there's going to be door prizes?

(laughs) We'll see you inside, Brandon.

Excuse me, excuse me, hi.

Uh, I'm Brandon Walsh from the Beverly Beat.

I was wondering, can I get a comment from you?

Absolutely.

My daughter goes to elementary school

three blocks away from here.

Who's going to protect her from the kind of element

that shops at a store like this?

Where are the laws

that protect the people who live in the neighborhood?

Thanks.

MAN: We love our children.

Hey, Mr. Eckersley,

I'm Brandon Walsh with the Beverly Beat.

I'm wondering, how do you feel

about these people picketing your store?

Well, I wish my customers didn't have to deal with it,

but it is added publicity.

A lot of people say that stores like this

sell literature and products that objectify women.

You got any comment on that?

Yeah, tell 'em to read the Constitution.

As long as I'm not selling anything obscene,

which I'm not, I'm covered by the First Amendment,

which means I am free to sell my products,

and they're free to complain about it.

(phone rings)

Oh, hey, check this out.

It's got fuzzy stuff on the inside.

Let me see that.

Yeah, it says right here it's fur.

"Fur your enjoyment."

(laughs)

Enjoyment how?

Oh, Muntz.

What?

Whoa, Silver, what do you got there, buddy?

It's just, uh...

Edible underwear?

Could you keep that down, please?

Man, I wouldn't know what to do with half that stuff.

I know you wouldn't, Muntz.

Hey, don't poke fun.

You and Valerie have some sex life, don't you?

Thanks, guy.

Have I mentioned what a great guy Mr. Eckersley is?

Do you think?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

He's going to buy some ad space at the Beat,

and he's going to give us a discount

on anything we buy here today.

Do you think that's such a good idea?

Think about it, Brandon.

20% discount on inflatable sheep.

(claps and rubs hands)

(laughter and chatter)

So how's the catalog coming?

Great,

except the stylist-- this girl Monica.

I think something's going on with her.

She has these scars and these scratches all over her arm,

and she claims they're from her cat.

You don't believe her? Uh-uh.

I've never seen scratches like that from a cat.

And she was bleeding.

Don't you think that's weird?

Is she by any chance totally accommodating, selfless,

always sacrificing herself for others?

A dream assistant.

Why? What does that say?

Well, I could be wrong,

but it sounds like this thing called cutting.

What's that?

Well, it's a disorder

where people actually cut themselves.

We have a pamphlet on it at the clinic,

and I read an article in the New York Times.

People cut themselves?

That's horrible.

Is she suicidal? Probably not.

Cutters are really self-loathing.

By doing this, they can control the pain they experience.

Maybe we're jumping the gun here.

We don't actually know Monica's cutting herself.

To think that someone would willingly hurt themselves

like that.

You might want to keep an eye on her.

Do magazines like this make you uncomfortable?

No.

I mean, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but...

a lot of woman say they feel

bad about themselves when they look at this kind of stuff.

Ah, they're just pictures in magazines.

Severely airbrushed pictures.

And what about this sex shop in Beverly Hills?

Do you think it belongs there?

I'm probably not your target audience.

My parents were hippies,

so I was taught that sex was

a good thing and a healthy thing.

You know, I don't really have any hang-ups about it.

So it doesn't bother you?

No, not at all.

If places like that help people express themselves sexually,

I say go for it.

Sex is a beautiful thing,

with or without commitment.

You know, Janet, you and I

may have more in common than we originally thought,

a lot more.

Let's see. We went to a dance together.

Yes. And I think you dumped me

before the night was over.

Hmm.

That was a shock. Mm.

(romantic music playing, kissing)

DAVID: Ah.

What's that?

Oyster oil.

I got this at the sex shop that just opened up.

It's supposed to relax you and make you a little more mellow.

Um, d-do I seem tense?

No, not at all.

Well, you bought something for tense people.

It makes sense that you think I'm tense.

Val, I just... I just thought you'd like it, that's all.

Come on.

Come on.

(grunts) (clears throat)

Here we go.

Mmm.

How's that? Isn't that nice, hmm?

Yeah, that feels good.

Uh...

(sighs) What the hell is that?

Just trust me, okay?

Anything else under that bed I should be worried about?

Nope.

(grunting)

What do you think of my editorial?

So you had the perfect opportunity

to take a stand on pornography, and you didn't.

You know, Kel, once you start telling people

where they can shop or what they can sell,

you're getting on a pretty slippery slope.

Before you know it, you're legislating

what people can say and do.

Politics, shmolitics, Brandon.

You think it's okay to read these magazines.

Those centerfolds aren't real.

I never said they were.

Well, they aren't. Fine.

They're not. Are you happy now?

Are you saying that because you agree with me

or because you want to avoid another argument?

You know, Kel, maybe I'm saying it

because I'm tired of having my temperature taken

on the subject every ten minutes.

What about ethics, what about morals?

(sighs)

Kel, sometimes I like to go to a movie

or read a magazine and not think too much.

I don't think that's a crime, but apparently you do.

Well?

You know, I think the straps are slightly uneven.

Let me get tape to make sure.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I was just looking for measuring tape.

Ricki's straps are uneven. Oh.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Monica, I know what you're doing to yourself.

I'd like to help you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Your arm, the cutting.

I saw your things.

I saw the knife.

I told you I have a cat.

She's a kitten, they scratch, end of story.

Those aren't cat marks.

Were you snooping through my stuff?

I just-- I want to help you.

There's people that you can talk to.

Look, you have no right to go through my kit.

It's private.

How would you feel if I went through your stuff?

I wouldn't... Look, I feel really violated

right now.

I didn't think you were like that.

I thought you had more respect.

I do, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I was wrong not to ask you first.

Yes, you were!

Joe needs me to set up the next shot.

Hey. DAVID: Hey.

Where you going?

Oh.

I wanted to get an early start.

Edible underwear.

Interesting.

What do you say you try them on, see how they fit?

Uh, can I take a rain check?

I've got a lot to do today.

Hey, what do you say we grab some breakfast?

I got some new tea.

Jamaican Morning.

I really should go.

I, um... I've got inventory at the... at the club,

and I got to see bands.

Sounds like a busy day.

Yeah.

Um, what about you?

Just working on jingles, you know.

Well... I'll see you later.

Bye.

(sighs)

(camera shutter clicking)

Nice, very nice.

Beautiful.

You look fantastic.

Your eyes are just coming out at me.

You look gorgeous.

DONNA: Joe, wait. Hang on a second.

Let me just fix the dress-- it's not laying right here.

Sure.

So, Ricki, you like reggae? Sure.

JOE: Great. Well, there's a concert

tonight at the After Dark

if you'd like to go with me.

Cool. Great.

We can just leave from here,

maybe grab some dinner.

Okay.

You're all set.

All right, let's set up

for the next shot, huh?

Careful.

Hey.

Joe doesn't know what he's missing.

Mm, that's okay.

They probably have some special connection.

Chemistry.

You know, I'd give anything to be like her.

Beautiful, successful.

I bet her biggest problem is trying to figure out

what to wear in the morning.

No one's life is perfect.

Yeah, it must be pretty lousy

when a guy like Joe asks you out.

Monica, you are smart

and talented.

You have a great look.

(slight chuckle)

Score one for inner beauty.

Just 'cause Joe blew it

doesn't mean you should give up.

Or hurt yourself.

Hey. What's up, man?

I, uh, came to drop off a credit card

that Valerie left at my place last night.

Cool.

Where you been?

Well, I've just been, uh, shopping.

I think it's called browsing

when you don't actually buy anything.

Yeah, well, I just didn't find anything I liked.

What were you looking for?

Oh, just...

looking for stuff.

(laughing): Like what, like socks

or underwear or, like... Things like... stuff and...

slippers or a T-shirt?

All right already!

I went back to Guilty Pleasures.

Satisfied?

Obviously a lot more than you are.

Ouch.

I feel like a jerk.

Steve, why?

We were all in there together a couple days ago.

Yeah... I know.

But... I went back.

Alone. (chuckles)

And the problem is...?

I think the problem is, if you boil it down...

I think the problem is, I don't have a girlfriend.

No, you don't.

Not this very minute, Steve.

You know, places like that, they...

they kind of split the world

into two different kind of people.

Notice, you got your...

your couples, and then, for the most part,

guys...

like me,

who have nothing better to do on a Tuesday night

other than to troll the aisles.

Alone. Exactly.

Steve, you only look at it that way

because you're not in a relationship, okay?

If you were in a relationship, you wouldn't be going

to a place like Guilty Pleasures for fun.

You'd be going for work.

I'll take a relationship

over being unemployed any day.

Well, obviously, you've never had Valerie as a boss.

Still, you get into a fight...

you get to make up.

And makeup sex is some of the most righteous a guy can have.

I think it's worth a little trouble.

Yeah, "trouble" being the operative word.

I'll see you later, man.

(door opening)

Monica.

Look...

it's not what you think, okay?

I know that you're cutting yourself.

I don't want to talk about it.

I just wish I understood why.

(sighs)

Calms we down.

It... makes me feel better.

I want to be able to help you.

Will you talk to me about it?

I was in college.

Junior year, I'd gotten

a really bad grade on a design project,

and when I got back to my room,

there was a letter under the door from my boyfriend

saying that he didn't want to see me anymore.

I was a mess.

Crying my eyes out, I...

I went to the bathroom to, um... to wash my face,

get myself together and, um...

And there was a razor on the side of the sink.

I don't know why, but I picked it up.

Were you going to slit your wrists?

No.

I, um...

I just started running it

across my skin,

trying to see how hard I could push it

before it would actually break through.

And finally, it did.

Funny thing is, is that it actually didn't hurt.

Monica, you have to stop doing this to yourself.

Well, I've tried to stop,

but I can't.

There's doctors, therapists that you can talk to.

But it's up to you.

You have to want to stop.

And there's going to be times when all you want

to do is give in.

I know. (sighs)

I... I was addicted to pain pills.

I know what it's like.

Even if I did stop, it's not like it would make a difference.

It's not like I would wake up tomorrow and be a supermodel.

In the long run...

looks, they don't mean anything.

It's how you feel.

You deserve to be happy.

I don't know.

You do.

You're worth it.

Oh, hey.

I'm looking for Brandon.

He wasn't at the paper.

Oh, they, um... they went to Muntz's

bachelor party.

That's where all the boys are.

They had it during the day

so Muntz's fiancée wouldn't find out.

I guess she's not a big fan

of the ritual. Me, neither.

They probably bought out the new sex store.

Yeah.

You know, I guess it's the hot spot these days.

You know, I told David

that I want more romance,

and then he goes and he buys all these toys.

I mean,

it's not like I'm a prude or anything,

but, you know, why couldn't we have gone together?

I mean, it would've made it less...

Sleazy? Yeah.

(sighs in disgust)

What do men want? Because I, for one, am baffled.

They just don't understand how that stuff makes us feel.

The toys, the magazines.

Fat, inferior.

Completely horrible. Left out.

Like, we're okay

for their daily lives, but when it comes

to the fantasy part of things, we're somehow off-limits.

That's because it's their fantasy, not ours.

I don't want it to be mine, either.

I just wish that we could share it, you know?

Men...

They think we're the complicated species.

Hmm...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, if Julie finds out about this,

she's going to kill me. Hey.

You told her you were with me

having lunch right? Yeah.

Well, you're with me, and here's your lunch.

And here's your dessert.

Face it, Muntz.

Face it, guy, you're nailed. Okay?

Women are impossible.

I think you can vouch for me. Women are impossible.

You're about to sign on

to a lifelong sentence, my friend.

Hey, hey-- this is a bachelor party.

Thank you. STRIPPER: Hey, guys.

Where do I set up?

Dance floor would be great. Okay.

Be with you in a flash. STEVE: Oh, that's okay.

We're not going any hair.

(laughs)

Okay, they want something, right?

You give it to them, all of a sudden

they want something completely different.

You can't win. You're always in trouble.

Always. You can't figure out

what you might've done wrong, but now,

you are responsible for all the sins

of mankind, my friend-- all of them.

Save yourself. Jump out now. (whistles)

STEVE: No, no, no.

Not every woman is like that.

Janet's not like that.

She's way more of a free spirit.

She's got... Whatever.

a really interesting philosophy of free love.

Isn't she the one you dumped at the reunion?

BRANDON: Yeah.

(Muntz laughing loudly)

Yeah. That's ancient history.

Something about a woman scorned, I don't know.

BRANDON: Kelly has been on this kick lately.

She's always on about pornography objectifies women,

turns them into sex objects.

What's your point?

So, which one of you lucky guys is the groom?

Please, let it be me.

Boing.

BRANDON: Right here.

(someone whistles)

DAVID: Front row. There is a God.

Front row. Thank you, fellas.

Thank you!

(partygoer whistling, sultry music plays)

This is too much.

Oh, boy.

DAVID: Oh, yeah.

DAVID: Give it to her, Muntzy. Give it to her!

NOAH: Come on, Muntz! (laughs)

Whoo!

I was thinking maybe I should go

and chat up our stripper. (sputters)

BRANDON: Kind of find out who she is.

What her dreams, what her aspirations are.

Find out what she does when she's

not taking her clothes off for people.

You know, treat her like a person, not an object.

You mean have a conversation with her?

Exactly.

PARTYGOERS: Oh, come on! Yeah! Oh!

NOAH: Muntzy, come on!

Maybe not.

Maybe not.

STEVE: Yeah! (laughing)

(laughter)

(laughing) (wolf whistle)

Muntz, you owe me.

I love it! (sighs) (someone whistles)

(knocking on door)

Hey. Hey.

How was the bachelor party?

Fine, fine, a good time was had by all.

Hmm, why didn't you tell me about it?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I got the impression you wouldn't approve.

I don't. Well, there you go.

I'm sorry if I'm offended by the idea that

it's a man's last night of fun before he commits to a woman.

I think it's a little disrespectful.

It's tradition.

It's a bonding ritual.

It's no different than a bridal shower.

I've never been to a bridal shower

where there are X-rated movies and strippers.

I'm assuming there was a stripper.

There was some live entertainment, yes,

but it was harmless.

Not to me.

You know, it occurs to me

when Dylan was getting married,

we all sat around playing poker

while you ladies went out to a female strip club.

That was not my idea.

The concept of bachelor parties isn't my idea.

You know, you have been like a broken record

the last few days.

I am not responsible

for all of mankind's attitudes towards women.

I'm not asking you to be. Then what are you asking?

Brandon, maybe I've been a little harsh, okay?

But in a typical, ordinary week in Beverly Hills,

I am running into women getting unnecessary plastic surgery,

children dieting and girls just out of college

cutting themselves.

I mean, it's just a little out of control.

I couldn't agree more.

And now, you are giving me mixed signals, and it upsets me.

I don't even know what to say to you.

Brandon!

I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you

question my morals.

I just don't know where you stand.

Yeah, you do; you just don't agree with it.

That's right.

This conversation's over.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Wow!

Is that new?

Yeah, I-I, um--

I got it today.

Well, uh, gosh, you...

you look great.

Thanks.

Um...

...I also got these.

Is this what I think it is?

Yeah, it's called a love leash.

What's this?

Body glitter.

You're kidding me.

No, it glows in the dark.

Oh, and this--

this is, um, well, this is called a tickle whip.

You're into this stuff?

Well, I am if you are.

It's...

It's great.

It-it's, um,

very exotic.

But?

Look, Val, I just, I got--

I have a lot of stuff I need to do tomorrow,

and I need to start first thing.

So, um, you're saying

that you probably need a good night's sleep?

Yeah, it'd probably be a good idea.

(sighs)

(seabirds chirping)

Good morning. Morning.

My, you're full of energy.

I'm psyched about your catalogue.

You saw the proofs, right? Yeah.

Turned out well, didn't they?

A month from now,

20,000 women will have that catalogue.

That's the problem.

If you're worried about production,

you don't have to be.

We will definitely keep up with demands.

No, I'm, uh...

I'm a little concerned about the message that it's sending.

What, that it's letting

the world know how great your designs are?

Especially if you're a six-foot

tall model like Ricki.

The average American woman's what,

I don't know, um,

five-foot-three?

She definitely weighs a lot more than Ricki does.

Yeah, so? She's a model.

So, by using Ricki as the spokesperson for my designs,

I'm basically saying that she's the physical ideal.

And that women out there, if they don't look like she does,

something's wrong with them.

See, I don't compare myself to other guys in magazines.

They're models.

Yeah, but women are totally different.

We always compare ourselves.

And now this thing with Monica

is just making me realize how extreme it can get.

I hear what you're saying,

but don't you think she's an unusual case?

Maybe.

I'm just not sure

I want to promote an unreal sense of beauty.

And maybe this is my opportunity to make a difference.

Here we go.

One grande mocha cappuccino

with extra chocolate, because I know you love that.

And a cranberry bagel.

Uh-oh. Where are you sending me now? Bakersfield?

Nowhere.

I just wanted you to know

how appreciated you are here.

And...?

And I've been doing a lot of thinking,

and I realized

that I never gave us a chance.

So I was thinking maybe

we should go out again, see what happens.

No, you were right.

We're not meant to be.

How do you know?

Well, I gave you a lot of chances.

And none of them panned out.

But I like working here.

So, let's just keep it professional.

Assuming that you're comfortable with that?

Yeah. I just asked you out.

How uncomfortable can I be?

Okay, okay, so I'm a little gun-shy.

But what happened to free love and sex without commitment?

I'm totally into it.

With the right person.

(sighs)

(door opens, then shuts)

Mm.

Crash and burn, buddy.

What'd I do wrong? Where should I start?

No, seriously, Brandon.

She's a great girl.

I can't believe I blew it.

You'll survive. You always do.

The only bright spot in my otherwise bleak existence is

that the stripper agreed to trade her fee

for ad space in The Beat.

So she's free.

No, she's not. New policy.

No more trades.

If someone wants to buy an ad, they can pay for it.

That way, we stay in control.

That means no more free passes to the Spice Parade.

You're just gonna have to find a new way to make friends.

Is this your roundabout way

of saying no more strip ads in The Beat?

In a perfect world, maybe,

but we got bills to pay.

Glad you made it.

Yeah, but I was surprised when I got your message.

I thought the shoot was over.

Oh, not exactly.

Was there something wrong with the pictures?

We've got a big problem.

The wrong model.

Amy, Evelyn and Kim, this is Monica.

Hi.

Okay, I don't get it.

Who are these people?

The four of you are my new models.

I just figured since

real woman are the ones who'll be buying my dresses,

I should have real women modeling them.

You didn't have to do this.

I know.

But it's important to me.

Donna, about yesterday...

No, no,

I was wrong to pressure you.

No, you were right.

I do have a problem.

Well, admitting it is the hardest step.

I know.

And I really need to deal with this.

And the fact that I'm so scared to do it makes me realize

that, uh, getting help is the right thing to do.

You won't regret it.

Thanks.

(birds chirping)

Ah, it is beautiful up here.

I can't believe this is LA.

I know, I'm so glad we got out of the house.

Yeah. It's been kind of a stressful week, you know?

(whistles) Wow!

David, I-I... I wanted to talk to you about the other night.

You know, I've been meaning

to talk to you about that, too.

It's not that I had a problem

with you buying all that stuff at that sex shop.

No... I blew it.

It's just that if you were bored or unhappy, I...

I kind of wish you would've talked to me about it

instead of trying to fix it on your own.

Wait, wait, I'm, I'm fine with things.

You're the one who's been reading the magazine articles.

What are you talking about?

The magazine-- the one

with the girl with the yellow bikini on the

front of it. I was reading my horoscope.

What?

My horoscope.

Aries.

Wait, you didn't think I was reading that...

"How to jump-start your sex life."

(laughing): David, no.

I'm such an idiot.

Is that why you maxed out

your credit card at the sex shop?

I thought you were, uh, unhappy.

No, I-I... I thought you were.

That's why I got all that lingerie and crap.

Oh, I'm sorry.

(laughs)

You know, I've... I've always been a nature lover.

Really?

Me, too.

DAVID: Hey!

I was thinking, uh...

maybe we could call a truce.

I think that could be arranged.

I read your new editorial.

And...?

I thought it was terrific.

I'm glad you liked it.

I liked the part where you said if people

want to put the sex shop out of business,

they should stop shopping there.

That's how I feel.

You're still going to run the sex ads?

We can't afford not to.

Like it or not, personal ads, club ads--

they're the bread and butter of our business.

But for the record,

I have a very firm grasp

on the difference between fantasy and reality.

Oh.

And there's nothing like the real thing.

Wait right there.

What's this?

Just a little something I picked up at the store.

A Kama Sutra kit?

It's got massage oil, pleasure balm,

honey dust... Hmm.

I don't know. What do you say we give it a try?

I thought you had a problem with things like this.

Um, no, my problem was with you

experimenting without me.

If this brings us closer,

then I am totally in favor of it.

Honey dust.

What does that taste like?

(smacking lips)

Mmm.