Original subtitles

You like it?

Like it? I love it. This is a great column.

Is Emma this funny and bright in person?

Ah, typical writer, more funny on the page than in person.

Well, I think it's great. I hope she does some more.

I think her column would add a lot to the paper.

See, aren't you glad I brought the two of you together?

Yeah. It's great.

I know, I know. It feels like a lot.

Your mom moving to Arizona for two months and all,

but you'll handle it. Look.

If things get a little crazy, you still got me, right?

That's sweet of you to say, but you know I still haven't

figured out why you don't just find someone

without all these responsibilities in the way.

You know, someone you can just pick up

and go to the beach with.

Your responsibilities are not in the way.

I hardly notice them.

Besides, I'm getting sick of the beach.

(springs creaking)

Hold on a second.

(Valerie squealing)

VALERIE: Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, not this again.

Who do you think she has in there with her?

VALERIE: Oh, David!

David.

(squealing)

Are you going to help me out or not?

Val, come on...

Last night. This morning.

They're never going to buy this.

This is ridiculous. Have you lost your mind?

Oh, yes they will, okay?

Just we... we need people talking, all right?

(sighs)

Do you want Donna back or not?

Okay. Okay. Come on.

(clearing throat)

Okay.

Okay.

(moaning) Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes! Yes, yes!

David. Who knew?

Well, not Donna.

I didn't think he had it in him.

Somehow, I knew Valerie did.

Would I like her?

Who? Emma.

I feel like I know her from her column.

What does she look like?

She looks like, um...

a girl, you know? Just looks like a normal girl.

Oh, a normal girl. That's a vivid picture.

Men never pay attention to anything.

She's a good writer. That's all I care about.

She is a great writer.

You know, Brandon, I would really love to meet her.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You can't see it coming ♪

♪ Until it's too late ♪

♪ You're struck down by the hand of fate ♪

♪ You don't see the difference with or without ♪

♪ And when you do, it's always too late ♪

♪ Ooh, it's all sunshine ♪

♪ Or it's all rain ♪

♪ Ooh, it's all sunshine ♪

♪ Or it's all rain... ♪

Oh, there he is!

Are you walking bow legged?

(laughing) (laughing)

It wasn't like it sounded.

No, of course not.

If it was, you'd be dead.

(laughing)

That's very funny stuff, Steve.

You should perform at the After Dark on comedy night.

I'll put in a good word with Val.

Mmm. I'm sure you will.

Hey, you know, David, I never got

a security deposit from Val,

so no structural damage to my house, okay?

Okay, you know what? I-I can't deal with this right now.

I'm starting my new career today.

Hmm?

Okay, it's a car wash, but it's a job, right?

That it is.

Waxing. J-O-B.

Waxing. Wax on.

So unsupportive in this house.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Hey, Donna.

Hey. I need your help.

What?

Okay. This afternoon I have

probably the most important photo shoot of my career.

Everything is set.

The photographer-- Annika Ward.

Ooh, you're working with Annika Ward? That's awesome.

Yeah, except my model called this morning. She has mono.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Well, there is one thing.

What? Be my model.

Donna, I haven't modeled for years. There's no way I...

Yes, you could.

You'd be great. Please, I've worked with so many models

and you put them all to shame.

So, what you're saying is, you can't find anybody else, right?

And you're desperate?

Totally desperate. Mm-hmm.

Well, I do have to go in to work today,

but I could ask for the afternoon off.

Oh, that would be so great.

Okay, I just need your portfolio.

I just have to show it to Annika.

All right, I will go upstairs

and try to dig out my book.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey.

Ah. You're alive.

I was wondering,

since you didn't come back to the apartment last night.

Well, we don't owe each other any explanations anymore.

You made that very clear.

I'm sorry. I should have called.

No, I was just worried when you didn't come home last night.

Well, you don't have to worry about him, Donna.

Actually, uh, David did come home last night.

Fine, it's all my fault.

Oh, look, rationalize it any way you want.

Look, I am not going through this again.

It is over.

I have to get back to work.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but we're really getting backed up out there.

No, no, I'm sorry. I'm the one who should apologize. I just...

My wife...

Um...

I'll be with you in just a minute.

Okay.

Um...

Dr. Monahan, I was hoping that I could

take this afternoon off.

We haven't been getting along for...

for years.

At this point, the only option really is separation.

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't see it that way.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm afraid our relationship just isn't what it used to be.

It's lost its magic.

Used to be, we were, uh...

this close.

The patients? Now all we've got

is this distance-- this horrible, horrible distance.

Something I hope you never have to experience, Kelly.

Well...

Let's, um, let's get to those patients, shall we?

(phone ringing)

Hey, how you doing?

I'm David Silver. I'm supposed to be starting today.

Uh-huh.

And what exactly am I supposed to do with that information?

Well, I was just...

I'd punch in if I were you.

But that's just me.

Time clock's inside.

In here?

Is this the locker room?

If you want to call it that.

Hey, that's mine.

Oh, sorry. I, uh... I'm looking for the time clock.

(chuckling)

Thanks.

So, you work here, huh?

Yeah, yeah, first day.

Bad move.

Yeah. I know, but it's a job.

I'm David.

Ben.

How you doing, man? Nice to meet you.

MAN: I could never handle waiting tables.

My last job lasted ten minutes.

Everything was great until I asked this lady

if she wanted fruit or flies with her burger.

That's my set.

Fruit or fries, fruit or flies? You get it?

I get it.

(chuckles)

Next.

Okay, should I just start?

Who's out here from L.A.?

I mean...

who's from L.A. out here?

Nobody?

Can I start again?

Anybody here from L.A.?

Hey, Noah.

Valerie been around yet today?

She should be. Why?

Well, I just wanted to make sure she's all right

after last night.

Last night? Why wouldn't she be?

Well, I guess you didn't hear.

Well, David and Valerie kind of crashed...

into each other.

(laughs)

I'll pass along your concern, okay?

Well, that might not be for a few days.

She's probably still with the paramedics.

(laughing)

Funny man. Yeah.

You can tell a lot about a person from the kind

of pet they have.

Dogs are like....

(panting)

(in dopey voice): "No problem by me."

But cats, cats are....

They're like...

Cats are...

They just, like, lie there.

I'm serious.

I'm funnier than that.

Road kill is funnier than that.

...mudslides and the fires.

You could do better?

Heck, yeah.

I was the funniest guy in my fraternity.

(chuckles)

I'm curious, how does one decide that?

Over a lot of beer.

How else? Right.

Why don't you audition for comedy night?

I think I just might do that.

Dust off some of my killer one-liners and have at it.

Just dust 'em off in a hurry.

This is killing me.

I'm serious.

I think this article's going to strike a cord with our readers.

Just the readers?

You know what I'd like?

I'd like you to write another article for us.

In fact, I'd like you to write a series

of articles for us.

A series of them, huh?

Well, I don't know.

I'm really busy.

But I'm open to persuasion.

Based on your phone call last night,

I'd say you're open to a little more than that.

I am.

The question is: Are you?

About your articles... The ones you're going

to persuade me to write over lunch?

Lunch?

Well, I have to drop off a freelance piece

at Buzz magazine, shouldn't take very long.

Shall we say half hour, The Natural Gourmet?

Sounds good.

I'm feeling persuaded already.

Hi.

Hey, uh,

Emma Bennett this is Kelly Taylor.

Oh, hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Brandon showed me your column, I loved it.

Thanks. I'm glad you're writing for the paper.

I hope you do more.

Well, I'm in the process of being

convinced to do just that.

Oh, you have to.

Well, we'll see.

I'm late. It was very nice to meet you.

And I'll see you later.

Bye. Talk to you later.

She seems so nice.

Yeah, yeah, she's okay.

I, um, I have some time

before I have to go do that thing with Donna

and I was thinking it would be nice

if we had lunch.

I'd love to, Kel.

I would, but, uh,

today is a nightmare.

I'm gonna end up eating here at my desk

if I even get to eat at all.

How about tomorrow?

Okay, tomorrow.

Bye.

DONNA: Thank you for coming through for me on this one.

I should be thanking you.

I haven't felt that glamorous lately.

To be honest with you,

I haven't really felt that desirable

so I think that this is going to be a good thing.

How are you?

How did things go after this morning?

What, seeing Val and David together?

Well, about a zillion things went through my mind.

And I thought I acted all adult and mature and cool,

but deep down, I just wanted to strangle them both.

What about Noah, have you talked to him?

No, but my guess is he feels the same way.

Whatever, right?

Anyway, um, this is your dressing room,

and there's a fridge and a phone

and someone from make-up will come and get you

and I'm gonna run to wardrobe, are you okay?

Yeah.

Thanks again, Donna.

Thank you.

(phone ringing) The Beat.

Hi, Terri. It's Kelly. Is Brandon there?

No, he's not back from lunch yet.

He went to lunch?

I thought he had a lot of work to do.

I'm sure.

One of the perks of being boss is that he just can

dump it on me.

Okay, bye.

You'll have complete freedom,

not a single word of yours will be touched.

But if I need a sounding board you're available, right?

Absolutely.

Day or night?

I tend to get a little inspired after hours.

Why do I get the feeling that every conversation we have

is about something neither of us is saying?

Try something you aren't saying.

I say what's on my mind.

My mind's on business.

Is that right?

85 percent.

75 percent?

Would you believe 50/50?

You're cute.

You know what?

Something tells me you might be able to convince me.

Seriously?

(chuckling)

Well,

having said that, the business half of this lunch

is now officially over.

I would like to get on with the other 50 percent.

Are you free the rest of the afternoon?

JOE: Hey, stop that, Dougie, that's sexual harassment.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Ben.

How about later I make it up to you?

Take you shopping for a new dress.

Why don't you shut your mouth.

Ooh! Ooh!

(Joe meowing)

Boy, it didn't take you two boys very long to bond, huh?

I guess you got quite a bit in common.

You queer, too, Davey?

(scoffs)

Burger and fries on eleven, chili dog no onions on nine.

Come on, it'll only take ten minutes

and it's right next door, Carly.

Steve, no way, we're swamped.

But I want you to see my audition.

Critique it, tell me if I'm funny or not. It's funny.

You haven't even heard my act.

Well, if it's half as funny as you asking me to leave

Nat during the lunch rush,

you'll have them rolling in the aisles.

Well, at least you can wish me luck.

You don't need luck, not when you got talent.

So, uh, my girlfriend, you know, she says that I'm selfish right,

and I say, "No, I'm not, like, what do you mean?"

I said, "Didn't I buy ribbed condoms?"

And she says, uh, "Yeah, but you wore them inside out."

(laughing)

Okay, uh... I don't know.

Can you believe this? You think that was bad,

you should've been here this morning.

But I understand you needed your rest.

What's that supposed to mean?

I heard you and David had quite a night last night.

I can't believe what idle gossips people can be.

Oh, like you didn't sleep with him.

As if that's any of your business.

Let's just say I go for the struggling car wash type.

He was with Donna for so long,

David needed to burn off a little energy, that's all.

All I know that is if my girlfriend was a car...

Well, all I know that if, if, if, if, if.

All I know is I spend about

$16 thousand worth of accessories

and about eight dollars worth of car.

(laughing)

Thanks. Uh, we'll let you know.

Oh, all right.

You're up, buddy.

Well, here goes.

Good luck.

How's everybody doing tonight, good?

Great...

So, uh, I'm taking these self-defense classes

and after about 10 weeks, 50 bucks a pop,

the instructor says to me, "Oh, Steve, by the way,

use this only if you get attacked."

Yeah, right.

Like you go to medical school

just in case there's an emergency, huh?

(chuckling) Hell, no!

I'm gonna use what I know, I'm gonna kick some butt!

(laughing)

I said "No tomato on my burger."

(exaggerated martial arts yell)

(laughing)

I don't think he'll be making that mistake again.

(laughing)

It's like my grandma.

She made me these oatmeal cookies.

I must've told Grandma a hundred times.

"Grandma, I don't like oatmeal cookies."

(exaggerated martial arts yell)

I don't think Granny's gonna be making

that mistake again, right, Granny?

Hey, they're almost ready for you.

I just tried the paper again. He's still not there.

I'm sure he's fine.

At work, he seemed distant.

Now he's not where he said he would be.

It's not his well-being I'm worried about.

Kel, you're not thinking...

I don't know.

It just seems like he's hiding something.

Hiding something or are you talking about

hiding someone?

Am I crazy?

(sighing)

You look absolutely stunning.

You two are completely in love,

it makes no sense.

I hope you're right.

I'm sure wherever Brandon is,

he has a perfectly good explanation, okay?

Now, go have some fun with this.

Okay.

I had a really great time.

So did I.

Shopping on Melrose,

Botanical Gardens in Pasadena,

sunset on the beach.

All of which were your idea.

Yeah, but I didn't exactly have to twist your arm.

No.

So, would you say that our business to pleasure ratio

is still 50/50?

Maybe 70/30.

Business?

Or pleasure?

Sometimes business can be a pleasure.

Do you wanna come in?

I do, but I'm not going to.

Not tonight, anyway.

KELLY: What is this?

Belgian waffles, your favorite.

(laughs)

Wow, what's the occasion?

No occasion, I just felt like it.

I tried to stay up and wait up for you last night,

but I was tired-- I went to bed around 1:00.

What time did you finally get home?

Uh, 2:30, something like that.

2:30? Well, you deserve breakfast in bed.

I hope that means it went well.

Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

Except for all the calls I made trying to find you.

For someone so swamped at work,

you sure left the office early.

Yeah, well, right after you left, I got a lead on a story.

I was chasing it down all day.

(quietly): Mm.

Come on, eat before it gets cold.

What was the story about?

What?

What was the story about?

Oh, it was about a... civil court judge downtown

who's allegedly involved in some cult.

Why?

I just...

I couldn't get ahold of you, and...

I don't want to doubt you Brandon-- I'm sorry.

I just...

had this weird feeling.

It's okay.

What do you say we get things back on track, huh?

We'll go see Steve's comedy thing tonight at the After Dark,

and then after that we'll go out.

What do you say?

That sounds good.

Hey, man, I want you to know,

I really appreciate what you did for me yesterday,

but there's no sense in getting involved, man.

It's been going on a while, and it's really not

that big of a deal.

Has anyone ever said anything?

Like... the owner?

What, Vince? (chuckles)

Yeah, Vince is too busy dropping acid and chasing spaceships in the desert.

No. You don't have

to worry about those guys, really, they're not a problem.

I don't know, man, you shouldn't have to deal with that crap.

I know, but...

those guys aren't the problem.

(sighs): It's my parents--

they're the ones I can't live with.

Or actually, they won't let me live with them.

Don't worry about it, man, they'll come around.

My dad kicked me out, man.

He said I've destroyed his life.

(scoffs): I've destroyed his life,

and I'm the one living in the car wash for the past month.

What about your mom? Didn't she...

She didn't do anything.

She just stood there.

Look...

I can deal with being gay.

I just... can't deal with my family not accepting me

for who I am.

What have we got here?

Oh, those are just some pictures from

a shoot I did. Do you mind?

Actually... Come on, you wouldn't have brought them to work

it you didn't want someone to see.

Well, they were in my purse.

Hold it, hold it, just a few more. I would like them back.

Well, now, that's an expression I've never seen

on your face before. I said I would like them back.

Relax, Kelly-- I always knew there was another side to you.

Too bad you're wasting all that beauty

on a younger, less experienced man.

Mr. Evans?

(blues playing)

Well, looks like my little idea

for theme nights is gonna work out pretty well.

Your idea?

All right, Noah, who cares-- it's our idea.

This is great-- I mean, look at the place.

We did it!

Yeah, Val, we're a great team, huh?

Hmm. Oh!

Hey. Mm!

It didn't just go well-- Annika wants you to work on her campaign full-time.

She did not.

She did.

Wow, that would be a great opportunity.

But I'm really gonna have to give it some thought, you know?

What'd you tell her?

Donna?

Oh.

Sorry. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, you know?

Donna, the guy is crazy about you.

I mean, he bought a $300,000 boat

just to prove himself to your mother.

They were selling it, and he needed a place to live.

I'm sorry, you should have seen the look on her face.

Go talk to him.

Okay.

Tonight's going great-- I'm so proud of you.

It's not bad, huh?

What do you think those two are trying to prove over there, huh?

I don't know.

It bothers you, doesn't it?

Seeing her with someone else?

Does it bother you seeing him with someone else?

It's not good to answer that question with a question.

(wry chuckle): It seems to me like

I'm not the only one avoiding an answer here.

Here you go, my lady.

Thanks.

What's up?

Dr. Monahan's been making these comments again.

Last you mentioned it, you said you'd overreacted.

I thought I had, but... lately it's gotten worse.

Sexual?

Yeah.

How much worse?

Mm, it's nothing terrible.

It's just I don't know how to deal with it, you know?

You got to call him on it, Kel.

You think I should report him?

No, I think you should call him on his behavior first,

and then if it continues, then, yeah, I think

you should file a grievance.

(groans): I can't believe this guy.

You know what, let's not let it ruin our night, okay?

It's not worth it.

You'll talk to him?

Yes. I promise, first thing tomorrow.

Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry, I don't mean to break up the party or anything,

but don't you think we should go over our introductions? Yeah.

I'll be back in one minute, okay? Okay.

Donna, don't worry, he'll be back.

I know it kills you when he's gone for even a minute.

I never should've let you back in the beach apartment.

(sighs) I'm sorry, am I cramping your style with Noah?

No. Actually, you have no effect whatsoever

on my relationship with Noah.

Trust me on that one, David.

You know what, as long as you're back in Valerie's bed,

maybe you should go live there.

No problem. Fine.

CARLY (laughs): Ooh, hey...

Watch out. Hey, hey!

There they are, right on time!

What do you say, Zach?

Hi, Nat. Hi. Thanks, Nat.

You're an absolute lifesaver.

Okay, so, um, I won't be long--

15 minutes, half hour, tops?

No problem-- we're open till midnight,

and, you know, they're not exactly breaking the doors down.

(laughs): Best behavior for Nat, right?

Right. Okay.

One for the mom.

Thank you.

(groans) Hey, Steve, Steve, my man,

you got to relax, you got to relax.

You're gonna be great. No, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Nah. Listen, can I ask your opinion on something?

Yeah, you bet, you bet-- I'm here for you, man.

I am here for you. You are why I'm here.

Good, good, because, quite frankly,

I've got these jokes...

I got to go.

What? What?

Oh, great.

Emma, what are you doing here? Surprised?

Steve asked me the other day when I was at the paper.

Mm.

I'll be right back, okay?

"Emma, this is Kelly, my girlfriend."

You must have overlooked that one minor detail, huh?

Hey, Emma. Hi.

They're about to start-- Steve's up first.

Emma, we have a great table over there, if you wanna join us.

I'd love to. Great.

Could I have your attention, please?

Welcome to the After Dark's Comedy Night.

Thank you all for coming tonight.

Are you guys in the mood to laugh?

CROWD: Yeah!

VALERIE: So, uh, let's get the show on the road.

Please have a huge warm welcome for Steve Sanders!

(cheering, shouts)

Break a leg.

(whistling)

All right! All righty!

How you doing? How's everybody tonight, good?

CROWD: Yeah!

That's great.

You know, I'm taking these self-defense classes.

And after about ten weeks at 50 bucks a pop,

the instructor says to me, "Steve, by the way,

you only use this in case you're attacked."

Yeah, right, you only go

to medical school just in case there's an emergency, huh?

Uh-uh, not me. I'm gonna go out there

and I am gonna kick some butt.

It's, like,

(surly voice): I said no tomato on my hamburger.

(exaggerated martial arts yell)

(people coughing, electronic feedback)

(nervous chuckle)

(man coughing)

My grandma...

she made these oatmeal cookies for me, and I...

and I told her, "Grandma, I don't like oatmeal cookies."

(people coughing)

(Steve chuckling nervously)

Um...

did you ever notice that when little kids get embarrassed

they always lift up whatever they have over there head?

Like, little boys will pick up their jackets,

and little girls will lift their dresses way up over their head.

(laughter)

I don't think we ever should've stopped this behavior as adults.

(laughter)

Say you're a chick looking

for a job, you go into the interview,

just lift the dress up over your head

and say, "I want this job, I need this job."

(laughter) Yeah!

It's just a theory.

May not be true.

But don't blame me if it works.

I was in New York City recently.

Man, the cops sure are different there.

I mean, they don't care how fast you drive in New York.

You could be doing 50 miles an hour

down 5th Avenue with a beer between your legs,

the seat belt hanging out the window,

running all these red lights.

The cops sees that, he's gonna say,

"Bring me a doughnut on your way back, would ya?"

(laughter)

It's much different here in California.

I got stopped the other day in Beverly Hills,

and I said, "Wh-What's the problem, Officer?"

"Your right speaker's out."

(all laugh)

(all cheering)

Whoo!

(knocking)

Yes, can I help you?

Uh, Mrs. Wester?

Yes.

You don't know me.

My name is David. I work with your son, Ben,

at the car wash.

MAN: Who is it honey?

Is something wrong?

Is Ben all right?

Well, um...

Who is this?

He works with Ben at a car wash.

Something's happened to Ben.

No, it's nothing like that.

He hasn't been in an accident or anything.

What specifically are you here for?

(sighs) Well, um...

I came tell you that Ben needs....

MAN: Benjamin needs

a great many things, I'm afraid.

Most of which you might be better suited to help him with.

Hey, wait a sec. Wait. Don't close the door.

Look, I only, I only met Ben yesterday, all right?

I work with him,

but that was long enough

to realize that he's in real trouble.

I mean, he has nowhere to go

and no one to turn to.

Your son is in pain. He's in real pain.

I don't have a son.

(sighs)

BRANDON: Listen to this review.

"Sanders has a presence and an innate talent

"for the one-liner that you rarely see

in the comedic talents of today." Rave.

Brandon, we can't print that.

Why not?

Because it's embarrassing. It's too much, Brandon.

Besides this is our paper.

We can't be objective with that.

The guy's an independent reviewer, Steve!

He doesn't work for us.

It's not right.

Trust me. I'm the editor.

STEVE: And I'm the publisher.

We're not printing that.

Is there something going on here you're not telling me?

No, nothing.

So it's true what they say about really good comics.

What do they say about really good comics?

They're extremely self-loathing.

Hey, guys.

Emma,

we're just, uh, dealing with a little situation here.

20 minutes to press and 20 inches of blank space?

That's a little situation?

Brandon, what are we gonna run?

How about that?

What's this?

My column.

Terri, would you give us a minute?

Sure.

After our conversation last night,

I figured your days as a columnist here were over.

Well, I can separate business from pleasure. Can you?

What's it about?

Something I've been lucky enough

to have very little experience with

till just recently: two-timing men.

Hi.

Hi.

How are we today, Kelly?

Fine.

No, actually I'm not.

Oh, I'm sorry. Anything I can do?

As a matter of fact, there is.

While I find your work here admirable,

I have very little respect for you as a person.

I will not stand for anymore references,

however subtle, to my sexuality.

I know that you're having problems at home,

but I don't think that I'm the person

you should be sharing these things with.

I find it very inappropriate,

and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Are you accusing me of sexual harassment?

I'm just telling you...

"Inappropriate"? What a joke.

Do you have a problem working with men,

Miss Taylor?

Since you are so easily offended

by what is obviously adult conversation,

I suggest you go get a job at a nursery school

instead of a street clinic.

(Steve chuckling)

Richard, uh, Belzer?

Yeah.

The guy from that show Homicide?

Yeah, he's a comedian, too.

And I'm sure a very funny one.

But right now, we have the house all to ourselves,

and your success to celebrate.

Which is why I think you should listen

to this comedy CD again.

Again? I've never heard it before.

Yeah, you did.

No.

No, I haven't.

Uh, yeah, you have.

I, uh, I did his act on stage at the club.

You did his act?

Well, no, not at first.

Just, you know, the parts where people actually were laughing.

You stole his jokes?

Stole?

No, I didn't steal.

I-I borrowed.

He can have his jokes back whenever he wants them.

Look, imagine what it was like for me.

I'm up on the stage in the spotlight in front

of all these people,

and suddenly I realize that I can't be funny on command.

The only thing in my head is Belzer's act,

so I figure, "What the heck?"

I can't believe you did this.

Believe it.

You know, when

I-I was in college once,

I ripped off one of Brandon's term papers.

Now that

was the mother of all screw-ups.

This is just a little one.

So you're kind of slow to learn, I'd say.

The evidence speaks for itself.

I'm not just slow,

sometimes I'm downright dumb.

I'm so stupid I actually once had a crush on Ellen DeGeneres.

I thought escort services

were for guys who needed dates.

(chuckles) Nobody's that dumb.

Oh, yeah, does this look like the face of a member of Mensa?

I don't think.

(chuckles)

You tell me the check's in the mail,

and I'm checking the mailbox every day.

(laughs) Steve, look at me!

What?

Am I laughing?

Have you made me laugh?

Is this a trick question?

No.

Look, you don't need Belzer.

You really are funny all by yourself.

You know, I'm just dumb enough to believe that.

If we did this well mid-week with comedy,

can you imagine what the weekends are gonna do?

Easy boy. Any giddier and people are gonna start

thinking that you're a trust-fund baby

who's never made a hard-earned dollar.

And you're not happy that we're doing well?

I'm gonna take my ten percent to the piggy bank.

So what are you gonna do with your share?

Romantic vacation with Donna

or are you gonna spend some quiet time

at the beach apartment now that

David's not there?

David moved out?

She kicked him out again.

Where's he gonna live?

My place.

There can't be many rooms left over there.

Oh, I'll squeeze him in.

Speak of the devil.

Hey, Donna.

Hey. Sorry. Am I interrupting?

Oh, don't be silly. I'm late.

I promised David I would help him

with him being in transition and all.

You guys want to be alone, I'm sure. Bye.

What is her deal?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it's her deal.

So, I heard you asked David to move out.

Val tell you that?

She might've mentioned it, yeah.

Why'd you do that?

Why'd I do that?

I thought you'd be happy with the fact

that I'm no longer living with my ex.

It's not that, it's just, you know...

What? More unhappy about the fact

that he's gonna be living with your ex?

We went out a few times. She's not my ex okay?

You still have feelings for David.

You guys went out for seven years. That's history.

Yeah, I do still care for David,

I probably always will.

But those feelings don't stop me from moving

into another relationship.

Hey,

do you feel the same way?

I mean, I guess that's what

I was asking last night, 'cause I need to know.

Let me see if I can answer that question.

KELLY: I decided not to take the modeling job.

This whole ordeal with Monahan has really made me realize

that I don't ever want to trade on my looks.

I'm proud of the way you stood up to him, Kel.

Me, too. I don't think it's gonna do any good,

but I'm glad I did it.

What's that?

It's a copy of Emma's column.

How did you get it?

Steve brought it home.

This one is even better than the last.

You want to know what I found interesting?

What?

Even after the girl

that Emma's writing about found out

that the guy she fell for had a girlfriend,

she still wanted to pursue him.

That makes her kind of a home wrecker, don't you think?

I don't know.

Maybe she and this guy really have something.

Something that he and his girlfriend don't have,

and maybe they shouldn't be together.

How do you suppose the guy and his girlfriend know

if they actually have something or not?

How do you know?

I don't know. I just know.

Well, there's your answer.

(phone rings)

Hello?

I miss you.

Hello?

Kelly's there, isn't she?

Lying right next to you?

Hello?

Right where I want to be.

(phone beeps)

Crank?

Must've been.