Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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If you were a man, what type
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of woman would you be attracted
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to?
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[ Laughter ]
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They say beauty is in the
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eye of the beholder.
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In this case, yikers.
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In this case, raj...
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Yikes.
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[ Laughter ]
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How you doin'?
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I have really loud orgasms.
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You know, it's like, "ahhhhhh!"
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[ Laughter ]
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And tonight's loser must
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confess a silent but deadly
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secret.
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News flash... we're on the
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street as beat reporters.
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And we're trying to get
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people to give us quotes about
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our news stories.
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The catch is we've written
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each other's questions, so we
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won't know what we have to say
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till we get out there.
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And the goal is to have the
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guts to ask the questions that
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are on your pad.
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If you refuse, you lose.
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Can I just peek real quick?
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No, no!
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Oh, god. Here we go.
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We're gonna do page three.
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Turn to page three and ask him
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that question, would you?
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My name's James.
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I'm doing an article for the
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paper.
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The topic is about laws
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regarding sex.
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Do you believe that sexual
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predators should be required to
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identify themselves?
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Yes, I do.
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Yes.
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Okay.
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Well, I'm James Murray then.
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[ Laughter ]
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Excuse me, sir.
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I'm a news reporter.
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The topic is about space
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exploration.
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With space exploration being a
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Multi-billion dollar industry,
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do you...
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[ laughter ]
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Do you have, uh...
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do it. Do it. Do it!
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With space exploration
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being a Multi-billion dollar
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industry, do you have any
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interest in being an astronaut?
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[ Laughter ]
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Not really?
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Thanks so much.
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Come on!
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There's no way I can say that.
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Got you, sucker.
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I'm ready to go, boys.
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Do you even got a second to give
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me a quote on a thing?
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I'm a reporter doing a, a...
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Oh, it's okay.
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No part of Quinn can assemble
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a credible sentence.
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I'm a reporter doing a, uh,
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uh, article.
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[ Laughter ]
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Do you have a second to give
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me a quick quote?
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Okay, all right.
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Wow, well, this is on women's
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health, so this is... this is
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just really appropriate at this
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moment.
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Okay, do you... do you think
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that, uh, well, let's see.
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Go ahead. You want to ask?
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Go ahead and ask.
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[ Translates ]
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[ Laughter ]
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The guy translated it!
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Titty... titty implants.
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Have you had your titties
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implanted?
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No? Okay, okay, so no.
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All right, well, hey, guys,
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thank you so much.
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My editor's gonna love the
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[bleep] Out of this, I'll tell
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you that right now.
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[ Ding! ]
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How are you?
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Got a quick question for you.
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So it's about the weather, the
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story I'm doing is about the
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weather.
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When people say it's hot...
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[ chuckles ]
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When people say, "it's hot as
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balls out here," how hot do you
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think the average ball is?
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You know, when it's like, "ohh,
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[bleep] It's hot as balls out
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here."
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You know what I'm saying?
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How hot is the ball in question?
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80? 80-degree ball?
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[ Laughter ]
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As a parent, what do you do if
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your kid's a real dick?
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If you were a man, what type of
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woman would you be attracted to?
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[ Laughter ]
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Should I tag my penis in
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Facebook photos?
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I'm with the times.
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I am a report...
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Wait, you both just said that in
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English, though.
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[ Laughs ]
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Do you think it's time they
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installed toilets in the subway
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cars?
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Because I don't want to [bleep]
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My pants again.
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No?
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[ Ding! ]
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Excuse me, can I ask you a
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question?
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Sure.
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It's on prostitution in the
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United States of America.
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Yeah?
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In your opinion, how much...
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In your opinion, how much should
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an average white male have to
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pay for a... Hand job?
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[ Laughter ]
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The average white male.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Oh, hello, mom. How are you?
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Now ask mom the question.
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You know what, though, I
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decided to quit.
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You decided to quit?
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Just now, yeah.
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Yeah, sucker.
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Tonight's top story... two
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losers.
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I've got the long game in
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mind.
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We got the short game.
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We're all right.
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Moving on, fellas.
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We're in the mall posing as
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caricature artists.
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Yeah, you know those things
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they draw when you get like the
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big head and the little body?
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The pictures have been
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predrawn for us, but we don't
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know what they look like.
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So the first time we show a
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customer is the first time we'll
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see them.
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The goal is to get a tip.
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If you don't get a tip, you
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lose.
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Folks, free caricature
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drawing.
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You do?
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Yes.
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Okay, come on in.
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Let me get a good look at you.
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I think you're flirting with
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me.
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Murr's in love right now.
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All right, murr, you hit on her
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after it.
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Let's focus.
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Well, how old do you think I
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am?
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She's gonna say 48, dude.
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Let's go, murr!
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Tell her, "you know, I
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learned this in art school."
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I learned this in art school.
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"I actually got thrown out of
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art school."
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But I kind of got thrown
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out of it.
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"For dry humping the
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sculptures."
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I got thrown out of art
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school for dry humping the
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sculptures.
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Oh, my god!
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"But you should have seen
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that David."
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But you should have seen
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that David.
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Oh, my god!
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I'm gonna make you look
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great.
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"In fact, I may even keep a
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copy of this for my fantasy
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files."
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I'm going to make it look so
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good, in fact, I may even keep a
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copy for my files, you know?
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"My fantasy files."
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My fantasy files.
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Let me just take a look and see
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how this came out.
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Murray's never seen this
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picture.
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This is the first time he's
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seeing it.
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Oh!
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[ Laughter ]
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Let's see.
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Let me just take a look and see
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how this came out.
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Oh, my god.
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Murray's never seen this
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picture.
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This is the first time he's
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seeing it.
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Oh!
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[ Laughter ]
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This is... oh, god.
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Ohh.
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I'm sorry she's white.
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Now, this is free.
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We do accept tips.
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I do need a new job.
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You don't have to if you don't
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want to, obviously.
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No tip, no tip, no way.
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She's gonna tip him?
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She's gonna tip him.
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You got it.
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[ Ding! ]
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Nice to meet you.
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You want the hair down?
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Yeah, get comfortable.
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Whatever you like.
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There you go. Looks good.
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"Oh, your hair smells
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delicious."
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Your hair smells delicious.
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I can smell it from here.
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"It's like fresh taco meat."
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It's like a fresh taco meat.
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And you are set. One sec.
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Let's take a look here.
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Ohh, ohh.
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All right.
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Here is a beautiful little
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caricature that we made today
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just for you.
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Ta-da.
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This is for you to take.
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And then, you know, we don't
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charge, but any tip would be
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greatly appreciated.
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You're not going to take
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the picture then?
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Okay.
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[ Buzzer ]
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Joe with a zilch.
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Hello. Hi.
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Yeah, right there.
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Let me just set myself up here.
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"How much do you want me to
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put into the Cleveland, Ohio?"
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And point to her cleavage.
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It's just...
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How much... how much of the
293
00:07:54,088 --> 00:07:56,053
Cleveland, Ohio, do you want me
294
00:07:56,054 --> 00:07:58,420
to put in there?
295
00:07:58,421 --> 00:08:01,320
Yeah?
296
00:08:01,321 --> 00:08:03,820
Let me just do a final...
297
00:08:03,821 --> 00:08:06,087
[ laughs ]
298
00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:07,987
[ Stammering ]
299
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,020
I think you're gonna love it.
300
00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:14,620
Check it out. There it is.
301
00:08:14,621 --> 00:08:19,153
All right, it is free.
302
00:08:19,154 --> 00:08:21,053
Ooh! $5?
303
00:08:21,054 --> 00:08:22,220
I'll sign that for you.
304
00:08:22,221 --> 00:08:25,120
She's in disbelief.
305
00:08:25,121 --> 00:08:26,320
All right, go get them,
306
00:08:26,321 --> 00:08:28,287
Van gogh.
307
00:08:28,288 --> 00:08:29,687
You want to do a free
308
00:08:29,688 --> 00:08:30,720
caricature today.
309
00:08:30,721 --> 00:08:31,787
What's your name?
310
00:08:31,788 --> 00:08:32,654
Hey, I'm sal.
311
00:08:32,654 --> 00:08:33,521
Well, have a seat.
312
00:08:33,522 --> 00:08:34,753
"They say beauty is in the
313
00:08:34,754 --> 00:08:35,721
eye of the beholder."
314
00:08:35,722 --> 00:08:37,120
They say beauty is in the eye
315
00:08:37,121 --> 00:08:37,888
of the beholder.
316
00:08:37,889 --> 00:08:40,620
"In this case, yikers."
317
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,487
In this case, raj...
318
00:08:43,488 --> 00:08:46,353
Yikes.
319
00:08:46,354 --> 00:08:48,220
All right, let me see what we
320
00:08:48,221 --> 00:08:48,788
have.
321
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,187
[ Laughs ]
322
00:08:51,188 --> 00:08:53,053
All right, raj.
323
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:55,320
Ohh.
324
00:08:55,321 --> 00:08:57,853
Raj.
325
00:08:57,854 --> 00:09:03,387
What do you say, buddy?
326
00:09:03,388 --> 00:09:05,187
It's my interpretation of you.
327
00:09:05,188 --> 00:09:06,953
I was getting a real dictator
328
00:09:06,954 --> 00:09:10,153
eating a fruit vibe off of you.
329
00:09:10,154 --> 00:09:10,988
Tips are appreciated.
330
00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:11,688
Whatever you feel.
331
00:09:11,688 --> 00:09:12,654
What is he giving you?
332
00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:13,720
What does he got right there?
333
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,654
$5. Thank you so much.
334
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:15,654
How does he give him $5?
335
00:09:15,654 --> 00:09:16,321
I don't know!
336
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:17,487
He's Hitler holding a banana.
337
00:09:17,488 --> 00:09:18,021
He's like...
338
00:09:18,022 --> 00:09:19,420
yeah.
339
00:09:19,421 --> 00:09:20,587
I really appreciate it.
340
00:09:20,588 --> 00:09:21,121
[ Ding! ]
341
00:09:21,122 --> 00:09:23,153
Stupid $5.
342
00:09:23,154 --> 00:09:24,920
Narrator: Joe, murr and sal
343
00:09:24,921 --> 00:09:26,353
are all hanging at loser
344
00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:28,120
central, and whoever loses the
345
00:09:28,121 --> 00:09:29,820
most has to expose a shameful
346
00:09:29,821 --> 00:09:33,753
secret.
347
00:09:33,754 --> 00:09:35,220
We're in the market for a new
348
00:09:35,221 --> 00:09:36,287
roommate.
349
00:09:36,288 --> 00:09:37,221
Yeah, we're gonna be
350
00:09:37,222 --> 00:09:38,253
interviewing strangers and
351
00:09:38,254 --> 00:09:39,353
making sure they're okay with
352
00:09:39,354 --> 00:09:40,420
our peculiar living habits.
353
00:09:40,421 --> 00:09:41,720
For some reason, no one
354
00:09:41,721 --> 00:09:43,120
answered q's ad, so the lucky
355
00:09:43,121 --> 00:09:44,653
bastard gets a free pass on this
356
00:09:44,654 --> 00:09:45,021
one.
357
00:09:45,022 --> 00:09:46,353
Little side note... Joe and I
358
00:09:46,354 --> 00:09:47,487
are actually roommates together.
359
00:09:47,488 --> 00:09:48,630
Big side note... I need a new
360
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:49,088
roommate.
361
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:54,453
[ Laughter ]
362
00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:55,853
Hey, Tim, how you doin'?
363
00:09:55,854 --> 00:09:57,153
Good to meet you, buddy.
364
00:09:57,154 --> 00:09:59,054
Welcome. Come on in.
365
00:09:59,088 --> 00:10:00,787
Thanks, man. Thank you.
366
00:10:00,788 --> 00:10:01,953
That's why I don't want to lose
367
00:10:01,954 --> 00:10:03,087
it, so I'm just looking for a
368
00:10:03,088 --> 00:10:03,654
new roommate.
369
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:05,887
So this is the living room.
370
00:10:05,888 --> 00:10:06,987
You know, kitchen.
371
00:10:06,988 --> 00:10:08,420
This is where the guy's moving
372
00:10:08,421 --> 00:10:08,754
out.
373
00:10:08,755 --> 00:10:10,187
Joey, show him the chart we
374
00:10:10,188 --> 00:10:11,687
put on the side of the bathroom.
375
00:10:11,688 --> 00:10:12,953
This here...
376
00:10:12,954 --> 00:10:15,787
It's your daily poop chart.
377
00:10:15,788 --> 00:10:17,387
And here's the... our use
378
00:10:17,388 --> 00:10:17,821
log.
379
00:10:17,822 --> 00:10:19,153
It's a common bathroom.
380
00:10:19,154 --> 00:10:23,720
You know, I just record my logs.
381
00:10:23,721 --> 00:10:25,620
Everything's been pretty solid
382
00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:26,288
lately.
383
00:10:26,289 --> 00:10:27,487
Wait a second.
384
00:10:27,488 --> 00:10:29,153
That's pretty detailed.
385
00:10:29,154 --> 00:10:30,853
It's a log for my logs.
386
00:10:30,854 --> 00:10:32,120
[ Laughter ]
387
00:10:32,121 --> 00:10:33,320
What about your sleeping habits?
388
00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:34,487
Are you a light sleeper, heavy
389
00:10:34,488 --> 00:10:34,921
sleeper?
390
00:10:34,921 --> 00:10:35,888
Pretty heavy, I guess.
391
00:10:35,889 --> 00:10:36,920
"Listen, I sleep nude."
392
00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:38,053
Up there, it gets hot, too,
393
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,987
so I sleep nude.
394
00:10:39,988 --> 00:10:41,120
"And I sleepwalk."
395
00:10:41,121 --> 00:10:42,687
And I sleepwalk, so if I end
396
00:10:42,688 --> 00:10:44,187
up in your bedroom, don't wake
397
00:10:44,188 --> 00:10:44,554
me.
398
00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:45,421
It's dangerous.
399
00:10:45,422 --> 00:10:47,087
All right.
400
00:10:47,088 --> 00:10:48,853
"I do have really loud
401
00:10:48,854 --> 00:10:49,688
orgasms."
402
00:10:49,689 --> 00:10:51,687
It's kind of embarrassing.
403
00:10:51,688 --> 00:10:53,820
But, I mean, I have really loud
404
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:54,554
orgasms.
405
00:10:54,555 --> 00:10:55,953
[ Laughter ]
406
00:10:55,954 --> 00:10:58,687
Go on and demonstrate.
407
00:10:58,688 --> 00:11:01,787
It's, you know, it's like...
408
00:11:01,788 --> 00:11:05,753
"Ahhhhhh!"
409
00:11:05,754 --> 00:11:07,320
All right, man, well, I just
410
00:11:07,321 --> 00:11:10,788
want to know, do you... would
411
00:11:17,221 --> 00:11:18,687
Up there, it gets hot, too,
412
00:11:18,688 --> 00:11:19,720
so I sleep nude, and I
413
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,020
sleepwalk, so if I end up in
414
00:11:21,021 --> 00:11:22,287
your bedroom, don't wake me.
415
00:11:22,288 --> 00:11:24,120
It's dangerous.
416
00:11:24,121 --> 00:11:25,021
All right, man.
417
00:11:25,022 --> 00:11:26,387
Well, I just want to know, do
418
00:11:26,388 --> 00:11:27,720
you... would you like to live
419
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:31,187
here?
420
00:11:31,188 --> 00:11:32,188
I think we could be
421
00:11:32,188 --> 00:11:32,721
roommates.
422
00:11:32,754 --> 00:11:33,588
That's awesome.
423
00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:36,053
Oh!
424
00:11:36,054 --> 00:11:37,188
I'm actually nervous.
425
00:11:37,221 --> 00:11:38,987
[ Doorbell rings ]
426
00:11:38,988 --> 00:11:39,821
Give him a dead-fish
427
00:11:39,821 --> 00:11:40,288
handshake.
428
00:11:40,288 --> 00:11:41,021
How's everything?
429
00:11:41,021 --> 00:11:41,654
Good to see you.
430
00:11:41,654 --> 00:11:42,421
Nice to meet you.
431
00:11:42,421 --> 00:11:43,188
Nice to meet you.
432
00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:44,220
Nice to meet you. How are you?
433
00:11:44,221 --> 00:11:44,854
Hi. How are you?
434
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:45,788
Now high-tail it to the
435
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:46,188
bedroom.
436
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:47,453
Power walk.
437
00:11:47,454 --> 00:11:48,653
Um, and let me show you the
438
00:11:48,654 --> 00:11:49,720
bedroom.
439
00:11:49,721 --> 00:11:53,987
[ Laughter ]
440
00:11:53,988 --> 00:11:55,353
"Both my therapist and my
441
00:11:55,354 --> 00:11:56,887
parole officer say I'm ready for
442
00:11:56,888 --> 00:11:57,821
a roommate again."
443
00:11:57,822 --> 00:11:59,287
Yeah, this is terrific, too,
444
00:11:59,288 --> 00:12:00,720
'cause both my therapist and
445
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,087
parole officer say I'm ready
446
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,387
for a roommate again, so...
447
00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:03,921
Okay.
448
00:12:03,922 --> 00:12:05,320
So, your therapist and parole
449
00:12:05,321 --> 00:12:06,553
officer... what happened?
450
00:12:06,554 --> 00:12:08,053
Eh, long story.
451
00:12:08,054 --> 00:12:10,253
[ Laughter ]
452
00:12:10,254 --> 00:12:11,287
Why don't you have a seat right
453
00:12:11,288 --> 00:12:11,821
on the couch?
454
00:12:11,821 --> 00:12:12,721
Now power walk into the
455
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:13,354
kitchen.
456
00:12:13,354 --> 00:12:14,354
[ Record scratches ]
457
00:12:14,355 --> 00:12:16,354
[ Laughs ]
458
00:12:18,921 --> 00:12:20,020
"What's up with him?"
459
00:12:20,021 --> 00:12:21,987
[ Laughter ]
460
00:12:21,988 --> 00:12:22,888
So, what do you do?
461
00:12:22,889 --> 00:12:23,953
Slowly raise the glass up
462
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:25,187
higher and higher as you talk to
463
00:12:25,188 --> 00:12:25,488
them.
464
00:12:25,488 --> 00:12:26,454
Well, I mean, I work.
465
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,087
I'm hardly ever here.
466
00:12:28,088 --> 00:12:30,387
I'm out of town so you have to,
467
00:12:30,388 --> 00:12:32,720
you know, just keep in touch and
468
00:12:32,721 --> 00:12:33,421
stuff.
469
00:12:33,422 --> 00:12:35,853
And I was gone for, like, three
470
00:12:35,854 --> 00:12:38,220
weeks, but normally, you know,
471
00:12:38,221 --> 00:12:39,820
50, 60 hours a workweek I put
472
00:12:39,821 --> 00:12:40,188
in.
473
00:12:40,189 --> 00:12:41,453
Sal, you think you can keep
474
00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:42,653
talking, take the water from
475
00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:43,987
her, and just have both hands up
476
00:12:43,988 --> 00:12:44,721
with cups of water.
477
00:12:44,721 --> 00:12:45,721
Yeah.
478
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:47,287
Shared with me the same
479
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,021
thing, too.
480
00:12:48,022 --> 00:12:49,253
She said that, too.
481
00:12:49,254 --> 00:12:50,154
Mm-hmm.
482
00:12:50,155 --> 00:12:51,787
[ Laughter ]
483
00:12:51,788 --> 00:12:53,954
Just sit on the floor.
484
00:12:57,054 --> 00:12:59,054
Lay flat on the floor.
485
00:13:04,921 --> 00:13:06,087
Have you seen other places in
486
00:13:06,088 --> 00:13:07,021
the neighborhood that are
487
00:13:07,022 --> 00:13:08,987
comparable?
488
00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:11,120
Start pushing yourself back.
489
00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,454
Just keep moving away.
490
00:13:15,454 --> 00:13:17,087
Just go as far as you can.
491
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,553
This place is great.
492
00:13:18,554 --> 00:13:20,320
I like to just see everything
493
00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:22,087
that I can and... I'm totally
494
00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:22,621
cool.
495
00:13:22,622 --> 00:13:23,920
Like, I'm laid back.
496
00:13:23,921 --> 00:13:25,153
I like to have fun.
497
00:13:25,154 --> 00:13:27,087
So would you be ready to move in
498
00:13:27,088 --> 00:13:30,887
or...
499
00:13:30,888 --> 00:13:31,920
[ Laughter ]
500
00:13:31,921 --> 00:13:34,120
[ Buzzer ]
501
00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:35,353
Okay, let's see if murr can
502
00:13:35,354 --> 00:13:35,988
bag a roomie.
503
00:13:35,989 --> 00:13:37,187
Hi, man.
504
00:13:37,188 --> 00:13:38,220
James. Nice to meet you.
505
00:13:38,221 --> 00:13:38,821
How are you?
506
00:13:38,821 --> 00:13:39,621
What's your name?
507
00:13:39,621 --> 00:13:40,254
Sidan.
508
00:13:40,255 --> 00:13:41,287
Thanks for coming by.
509
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:41,954
No problem.
510
00:13:41,954 --> 00:13:42,954
What do you do, man?
511
00:13:42,954 --> 00:13:43,854
I do stocks in the
512
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:44,521
neighborhood.
513
00:13:44,522 --> 00:13:45,820
Murray, match his excitement.
514
00:13:45,821 --> 00:13:47,020
I'm originally from
515
00:13:47,021 --> 00:13:47,821
borough park.
516
00:13:47,822 --> 00:13:48,853
Are you serious?
517
00:13:48,854 --> 00:13:49,454
Yeah!
518
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:50,587
[Bleep] Yeah, man!
519
00:13:50,588 --> 00:13:52,153
That's awesome, bro!
520
00:13:52,154 --> 00:13:53,854
That's awesome!
521
00:13:56,221 --> 00:13:57,820
Murray doesn't know what to
522
00:13:57,821 --> 00:13:58,654
do right now.
523
00:13:58,655 --> 00:13:59,853
Murray is outmatched.
524
00:13:59,854 --> 00:14:02,153
[ Laughs ]
525
00:14:02,154 --> 00:14:03,320
"Follow me, follow me, follow
526
00:14:03,321 --> 00:14:03,588
me!"
527
00:14:03,588 --> 00:14:04,488
Dude, follow me around.
528
00:14:04,488 --> 00:14:05,221
Man, this is awesome.
529
00:14:05,222 --> 00:14:06,553
We've got the kitchen over here.
530
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:07,720
You know, we've got bedroom
531
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:08,521
closet over here.
532
00:14:08,521 --> 00:14:08,954
[Bleep]
533
00:14:08,955 --> 00:14:10,053
Now back to the other room.
534
00:14:10,054 --> 00:14:11,787
And here we can totally have
535
00:14:11,788 --> 00:14:13,187
like parties out here.
536
00:14:13,188 --> 00:14:14,820
We can... seriously, we can
537
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:15,987
[bleep] Rock, man.
538
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,420
You know what I mean?
539
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:18,953
I love this guy.
540
00:14:18,954 --> 00:14:21,153
Jump over the furniture.
541
00:14:21,154 --> 00:14:25,653
[ Laughter ]
542
00:14:25,654 --> 00:14:27,987
You are the best!
543
00:14:27,988 --> 00:14:33,453
[ Laughter ]
544
00:14:33,454 --> 00:14:34,620
So what do you say?
545
00:14:34,621 --> 00:14:35,953
You want to move in?
546
00:14:35,954 --> 00:14:37,887
[ Ding! ]
547
00:14:37,888 --> 00:14:39,087
Calm down, you idiot.
548
00:14:39,088 --> 00:14:40,487
He looks like he's trying to
549
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,187
take off.
550
00:14:42,188 --> 00:14:43,520
I am so glad I didn't have to
551
00:14:43,521 --> 00:14:44,221
do any of this.
552
00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:45,154
That's attractive.
553
00:14:45,155 --> 00:14:46,453
Do that on national television.
554
00:14:46,454 --> 00:14:48,153
Narrator: Sal found himself a
555
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,387
nice little place... last
556
00:14:50,388 --> 00:14:53,120
place... with just one challenge
557
00:14:53,121 --> 00:14:55,220
to go.
558
00:14:55,221 --> 00:14:56,787
So, we're here at the longest
559
00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:57,754
line in Manhattan.
560
00:14:57,755 --> 00:14:59,020
These people have been
561
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:01,253
waiting for hours to get
562
00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,453
discount Broadway tickets.
563
00:15:02,454 --> 00:15:03,620
What do we have to do,
564
00:15:03,621 --> 00:15:04,687
gentlemen?
565
00:15:04,688 --> 00:15:05,388
Cut that line.
566
00:15:05,421 --> 00:15:06,687
You've got to score those
567
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:07,154
tickets.
568
00:15:07,188 --> 00:15:08,587
You get thrown off the line, you
569
00:15:08,588 --> 00:15:13,187
lose.
570
00:15:13,188 --> 00:15:15,087
Here goes Murray. He's going.
571
00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:16,553
He's walking right... oh, my
572
00:15:16,554 --> 00:15:18,320
god.
573
00:15:18,321 --> 00:15:20,687
And he's in.
574
00:15:20,688 --> 00:15:22,287
[ Laughter ]
575
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:23,853
The guy was in shock and
576
00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:25,053
didn't say anything.
577
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:25,988
Look at him.
578
00:15:25,989 --> 00:15:28,254
He's taking pictures.
579
00:15:30,421 --> 00:15:32,187
Oh!
580
00:15:32,188 --> 00:15:33,653
No, it's just a great shot,
581
00:15:33,654 --> 00:15:34,054
right?
582
00:15:34,055 --> 00:15:36,787
It's just so good. So good.
583
00:15:36,788 --> 00:15:39,253
It's neck and neck.
584
00:15:39,254 --> 00:15:40,620
Part of me hopes Murray gets
585
00:15:40,621 --> 00:15:41,221
arrested.
586
00:15:41,222 --> 00:15:42,387
[ Laughs ]
587
00:15:42,388 --> 00:15:43,687
Part of you? All of me.
588
00:15:43,688 --> 00:15:44,720
Every part of me hopes
589
00:15:44,721 --> 00:15:46,753
Murray gets arrested.
590
00:15:46,754 --> 00:15:48,287
I cannot believe how far
591
00:15:48,288 --> 00:15:50,753
he's making it.
592
00:15:50,754 --> 00:15:51,953
He keeps bumping into people
593
00:15:51,954 --> 00:15:52,987
while he's doing this fake
594
00:15:52,988 --> 00:15:54,420
picture-take thing.
595
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,353
Sorry. Excuse me.
596
00:15:56,354 --> 00:15:57,653
[ Record scratches ]
597
00:15:57,654 --> 00:15:58,454
[ Chuckling ] Ohh.
598
00:15:58,455 --> 00:16:00,521
He's been spotted.
599
00:16:04,621 --> 00:16:05,621
We're not... we're just
600
00:16:05,622 --> 00:16:07,187
friends right now.
601
00:16:07,188 --> 00:16:08,387
We used to be together, and
602
00:16:08,388 --> 00:16:09,787
now... she's not with me at all.
603
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:11,021
She doesn't want to be with me
604
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:13,553
anymore.
605
00:16:13,554 --> 00:16:14,620
I know, but our relationship
606
00:16:14,621 --> 00:16:15,797
issue isn't really something i'd
607
00:16:15,821 --> 00:16:18,420
like to discuss.
608
00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:20,687
I know.
609
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:21,853
Look at his face!
610
00:16:21,854 --> 00:16:23,087
No, no. Not at all.
611
00:16:23,088 --> 00:16:24,253
Not at all.
612
00:16:24,254 --> 00:16:25,320
I'll step out.
613
00:16:25,321 --> 00:16:26,254
Oh!
614
00:16:26,255 --> 00:16:28,653
[ Buzzer ]
615
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,353
Yeah, sal's going in.
616
00:16:30,354 --> 00:16:31,653
This is the worst thing in
617
00:16:31,654 --> 00:16:34,420
the world.
618
00:16:34,421 --> 00:16:35,553
Oh, he's gonna try to do
619
00:16:35,554 --> 00:16:36,088
the unclip.
620
00:16:36,089 --> 00:16:37,220
I think he's going about
621
00:16:37,221 --> 00:16:40,320
this the wrong way.
622
00:16:40,321 --> 00:16:44,620
[ Record scratches ]
623
00:16:44,621 --> 00:16:45,488
Oh, I went around.
624
00:16:45,489 --> 00:16:46,653
I went to the front, and then I
625
00:16:46,654 --> 00:16:47,820
went back in the side and came
626
00:16:47,821 --> 00:16:48,953
back through, and then I ended
627
00:16:48,954 --> 00:16:50,053
up here.
628
00:16:50,054 --> 00:16:51,753
[ Laughing ] Oh, my god.
629
00:16:51,754 --> 00:16:53,387
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
630
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:59,653
Now he's in the soup.
631
00:16:59,654 --> 00:17:04,287
No, this is my good friends.
632
00:17:04,288 --> 00:17:05,620
Everybody here is a friend of
633
00:17:05,621 --> 00:17:06,321
mine.
634
00:17:06,322 --> 00:17:07,520
[ Laughter ]
635
00:17:07,521 --> 00:17:08,720
Let him know that we're
636
00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:09,721
together.
637
00:17:09,722 --> 00:17:14,187
Let him know we're together.
638
00:17:14,188 --> 00:17:16,153
No, i-i-i-i...
639
00:17:16,154 --> 00:17:18,320
No, what happened was...
640
00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:22,720
[ buzzer ]
641
00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:24,120
There he goes.
642
00:17:24,121 --> 00:17:25,320
Sorry.
643
00:17:25,321 --> 00:17:26,487
Larry?!
644
00:17:26,488 --> 00:17:28,353
Larry?!
645
00:17:28,354 --> 00:17:31,020
I was calling you, Larry!
646
00:17:31,021 --> 00:17:32,021
Larry!
647
00:17:32,021 --> 00:17:32,688
[ Laughter ]
648
00:17:32,689 --> 00:17:33,920
He's cutting the whole...
649
00:17:33,921 --> 00:17:34,854
[ laughs ]
650
00:17:34,855 --> 00:17:38,620
Larry!
651
00:17:38,621 --> 00:17:40,120
Larry!
652
00:17:40,121 --> 00:17:42,287
He's cutting the whole line
653
00:17:42,288 --> 00:17:44,620
by simply shouting "Larry."
654
00:17:44,621 --> 00:17:45,920
Larry!
655
00:17:45,921 --> 00:17:47,053
Larry!
656
00:17:47,054 --> 00:17:48,220
Larry!
657
00:17:48,221 --> 00:17:49,620
I was calling you!
658
00:17:49,621 --> 00:17:50,588
It is foolproof.
659
00:17:50,589 --> 00:17:51,853
He's cutting everyone and no
660
00:17:51,854 --> 00:17:52,221
one.
661
00:17:52,221 --> 00:17:52,954
Larry!
662
00:17:52,955 --> 00:17:54,520
I was looking for you.
663
00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:56,521
[ Laughter ]
664
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:06,153
No, he's not Larry.
665
00:18:06,154 --> 00:18:07,820
Oh. That's a shame.
666
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:08,688
Wasn't Larry.
667
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:09,388
[ Buzzer ]
668
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,653
[ Laughter ]
669
00:18:11,654 --> 00:18:12,787
Excuse me one second.
670
00:18:12,788 --> 00:18:13,288
Pardon me.
671
00:18:13,289 --> 00:18:14,520
Look, he's going right to
672
00:18:14,521 --> 00:18:15,720
the front.
673
00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:16,753
I'm sorry about that.
674
00:18:16,754 --> 00:18:18,687
I don't wait on lines.
675
00:18:18,688 --> 00:18:20,053
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
676
00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:20,521
Pardon me.
677
00:18:20,522 --> 00:18:21,553
I just don't wait on lines.
678
00:18:21,554 --> 00:18:22,388
So I'm just gonna get
679
00:18:22,388 --> 00:18:23,188
"lion king" tickets.
680
00:18:23,188 --> 00:18:24,121
Hey, can I get two for
681
00:18:24,121 --> 00:18:24,754
"the lion king"?
682
00:18:24,755 --> 00:18:27,253
[ Laughter ]
683
00:18:27,254 --> 00:18:29,187
Thank you.
684
00:18:29,188 --> 00:18:31,920
[ Ding! ]
685
00:18:31,921 --> 00:18:33,587
Narrator: Joe, murr, and sal
686
00:18:33,588 --> 00:18:35,087
couldn't cut the line, making
687
00:18:35,088 --> 00:18:38,053
sal tonight's big loser.
688
00:18:38,054 --> 00:18:39,653
We're here at the bookstore
689
00:18:39,654 --> 00:18:40,521
to punish sal.
690
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:41,488
Congrats, buddy.
691
00:18:41,489 --> 00:18:42,820
You are the author of a
692
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:44,420
brand-new book, and we have set
693
00:18:44,421 --> 00:18:45,987
up a book reading with people
694
00:18:45,988 --> 00:18:47,220
from a book club.
695
00:18:47,221 --> 00:18:48,453
And they're here to meet the
696
00:18:48,454 --> 00:18:48,854
author.
697
00:18:48,855 --> 00:18:50,120
Sal's going to read an excerpt
698
00:18:50,121 --> 00:18:51,420
from the book that we wrote for
699
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:57,087
him.
700
00:18:57,088 --> 00:18:58,220
Okay, so what sal doesn't
701
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,287
know is that his book is
702
00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:00,021
completely blank.
703
00:19:00,022 --> 00:19:01,353
He's gonna have to make it up
704
00:19:01,354 --> 00:19:02,121
as he goes along.
705
00:19:02,122 --> 00:19:03,153
He's on his own, man.
706
00:19:03,154 --> 00:19:04,287
That's what happens when you
707
00:19:04,288 --> 00:19:05,254
lose.
708
00:19:05,255 --> 00:19:06,287
My name is sal vulcano.
709
00:19:06,288 --> 00:19:07,021
I'm a new author.
710
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:08,220
And I was gonna read an excerpt
711
00:19:08,221 --> 00:19:11,421
for you guys from the book
712
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:17,220
congrats, buddy.
713
00:19:17,221 --> 00:19:18,487
You are the author of a
714
00:19:18,488 --> 00:19:19,354
brand-new book.
715
00:19:19,355 --> 00:19:20,920
We have set up a book reading
716
00:19:20,921 --> 00:19:22,287
downstairs with a bunch of
717
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:23,753
people from a book club, and
718
00:19:23,754 --> 00:19:25,420
they're here to meet the author.
719
00:19:25,421 --> 00:19:26,620
Okay, so what sal doesn't
720
00:19:26,621 --> 00:19:27,621
know is that his book is
721
00:19:27,621 --> 00:19:28,388
completely blank.
722
00:19:28,389 --> 00:19:29,687
He's gonna have to make it up
723
00:19:29,688 --> 00:19:31,287
as he goes along.
724
00:19:31,288 --> 00:19:34,953
Hi, everyone. How are you?
725
00:19:34,954 --> 00:19:36,020
How is everyone doing?
726
00:19:36,021 --> 00:19:37,087
Thank you for coming.
727
00:19:37,088 --> 00:19:38,287
Thank you for having me.
728
00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:39,453
My name is sal vulcano.
729
00:19:39,454 --> 00:19:40,620
I'm a new author.
730
00:19:40,621 --> 00:19:41,920
This is my first published work.
731
00:19:41,921 --> 00:19:43,220
And I was gonna read an excerpt
732
00:19:43,221 --> 00:19:44,320
for you guys from the book
733
00:19:44,321 --> 00:19:47,153
today.
734
00:19:47,154 --> 00:19:48,620
The book is called
735
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,820
"keeping the faith: My battle
736
00:19:50,821 --> 00:19:52,287
with chronic flatulence."
737
00:19:52,288 --> 00:19:54,120
[ Laughter ]
738
00:19:54,121 --> 00:19:56,553
It's a very raw book.
739
00:19:56,554 --> 00:19:59,220
I don't pull any punches.
740
00:19:59,221 --> 00:20:02,087
Okay, so I'll begin.
741
00:20:02,088 --> 00:20:04,820
[ Laughter ]
742
00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:06,520
[ Chuckles ]
743
00:20:06,521 --> 00:20:08,953
Yeah. Um, okay.
744
00:20:08,954 --> 00:20:12,987
[ Laughter continues ]
745
00:20:12,988 --> 00:20:16,320
Uh...
746
00:20:16,321 --> 00:20:18,053
Just making sure they marked the
747
00:20:18,054 --> 00:20:19,953
right page for me.
748
00:20:19,954 --> 00:20:21,253
Yeah.
749
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:26,253
Uh...
750
00:20:26,254 --> 00:20:29,053
It began when I was just a baby.
751
00:20:29,054 --> 00:20:31,853
The nurses and doctors, they
752
00:20:31,854 --> 00:20:34,853
suspected that there may be an
753
00:20:34,854 --> 00:20:37,453
internal intestinal issue
754
00:20:37,454 --> 00:20:39,753
because they heard many noises
755
00:20:39,754 --> 00:20:43,153
coming from the baby area.
756
00:20:43,154 --> 00:20:44,520
[ Laughter ]
757
00:20:44,521 --> 00:20:45,653
Yeah.
758
00:20:45,654 --> 00:20:48,253
People would make fun of me, and
759
00:20:48,254 --> 00:20:52,520
the only answer I had was
760
00:20:52,521 --> 00:20:55,187
flatulence.
761
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:59,220
But I did get an operation.
762
00:20:59,221 --> 00:21:02,787
The operation backfired.
763
00:21:02,788 --> 00:21:06,953
I flatulate twice as much now,
764
00:21:06,954 --> 00:21:10,320
and it seems like a cruel joke
765
00:21:10,321 --> 00:21:14,087
that is being played on me.
766
00:21:14,088 --> 00:21:15,953
Is there any questions?
767
00:21:15,954 --> 00:21:17,287
What was the name of the
768
00:21:17,288 --> 00:21:17,888
operation?
769
00:21:17,889 --> 00:21:20,287
Uh...
770
00:21:20,288 --> 00:21:21,587
Oh, man, it was...
771
00:21:21,588 --> 00:21:22,854
Yeah, it was awhile ago.
772
00:21:22,888 --> 00:21:24,520
It's a long word.
773
00:21:24,521 --> 00:21:27,720
Let's go with flatulectomy.
774
00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:29,453
I hope this has been not as
775
00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,387
excruciating for you as it has
776
00:21:31,388 --> 00:21:33,320
for me.
777
00:21:33,321 --> 00:21:34,588
Really appreciate it.
43146
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