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As mayor of West Rome, it gives me

great pleasure to welcome you.

And to introduce our first citizen.

Warren Finley Cooper.

Thank you, mayor.

Friends, Romans, countrymen.

Lend me your ears.

You see, I know my Roman history.

In fact, I have humbly donated

this expensive, magnificent temple of Roman art.

That the citizens of West Rome may become familiar

with the citizen of historic Rome.

Come, ladies.

Now, uh, this room, ladies

is chiefly devoted to the period

in which Rome invaded Britain.

Over here we have a particularly interesting..

- Fox. - Yes, sir?

Is that your hat?

No, sir, I, uh..

Careless fool.

Now over here, we have..

How did that get there?

- You see, sir, I-- - Take it away.

Yes, sir.

I-I-I'll remove it at once, sir.

Yes, you'd better

before I have you removed.

You'll hear more about this later.

And over here we have the statue of Empress Agrippa.

- Oh! - Eddie!

Why, what's the meaning of this?

- You can't sleep here. - It is a bit noisy.

You see, sir, he has no place to sleep.

- Why you-- - It isn't his fault.

This is the first morning he forget to wake me up.

The idea, using the statue of a Roman Empress for a bed?

Well, it's the only statue lying down, sir.

You see, I can't sleep standing up.

The fellow is crazy! Call the wagon!

- Yes, sir. - You can't arrest him, Warren.

- It's Eddie. - I know who it is.

But he has no right to be around town doing nothing.

He works for everybody.

Just now he's helping out in Keep's Grocery.

Oh, please forgive him, Mr. Cooper.

He has such honest eyes.

Where did you get those big eyes?

Well, they say before I was born

my mother was always looking for my father.

That's why my eyes are so big.

Oh, isn't that too bad?

Tell me, did she find your father?

I don't know. I can't find my mother.

Oh, the poor dear. You must forgive him, Mr. Cooper.

Well, alright.

Get your clothes on. Get out of here.

Well, a character like Eddie happens in every town.

He knows nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Here we have a statue of one of the last of the Caesars

'the Emperor Valonius.'

Valerius.

Valonius and don't interrupt me.

But Mr. Cooper, it's Valerius. I know.

The Empress Agrippa, the one I was sleeping with is his wife.

- Idiot. - But, Mr. Cooper, he's right.

- It's Valerius. - Really?

Why, of course. You were right.

But if I hear another word out of you

I'll have you locked up.

Yes, sir.

Let us proceed.

Well, this is the last straw!

No, sir, this is my hot water bottle

I've been looking all over for it.

If you say another word, I'll have Fox call the wagon.

The wagon. Yes, sir.

Ladies, this statue has the most interesting history.

It's the Empress Silvia.

- Unh-unh. - Of Gaul.

- Unh-unh. - Who captured Valerius.

- And later married him. - Unh-unh-unh.

What is the matter with you? I suppose I'm wrong again!

No, no, no, no, you're right, Mr. Cooper, except

it wasn't the Empress Silvia, it was the Princess Silvia.

She didn't from Gaul, she came from Britain

She didn't capture Valerius, Valerius captured her

and didn't marry Valerius, she married Josephus

and your name is Mr. Cooper and Bob..

- Yes? - The wagon.

I wanna talk with you.

Now, Eddie, if you wanna keep on making deliveries for me

you got to stop giving my groceries away for nothing.

Well, you charge it against my salary, don't you?

Sure I do. That's why you never have any salary coming.

Do you realize that last week you gave away..

Wait, I give it to you black and white.

$2. $4.90.

Look! You gave away $14 and 50 cents worth of groceries.

This is $12 and 50 cents more than your salary.

What are you gonna do about it?

Couldn't you raise my salary?

- You're lucky I don't fire you. - Yes, sir.

- Is this my property?" - Yes.

The city condemned that entire block.

Why aren't those people out?

Well, the sheriff served notice on them but they refused to move.

But they know that I'm gonna build a new jail

and donate it to the city, don't they?

- Yes, but-- - There are no buts.

Civic progress. Have them evicted at once.

By the way, boys

we came out alright on the museum.

I donated the land but I'll split with the contractors making us

just three times what the property cost.

Here's your check, Charlie.

- Harry. - Thanks.

We really don't need a new jail, Warren.

'Well, you can fill it, a smart chief of police like you.'

You, uh, think it's safe to give us these checks?

Well, I own the bank, don't I?

Look at that, Julia, my fourth seven in a row.

I owe myself $265.

This is my lucky day.

Oh, so, it's you again, eh?

Now I oughta put you in jail for reckless driving.

Don't arrest him, chief, Eddie's harmless.

He never really had a chance.

Well, have I had any more chance?

I started in this town with nothing, but my brains.

It was a bad start.

Why?

Well, we haven't got time to bother with you now.

Come on.

Oh, chief!

Well, I guess they finished our job.

They're all moved out now. Come on, Bill.

Okay, chief.

What is this?

What are you doing? Waiting for an earthquake?

The city's taking away our home.

The city? Why?

They're gonna build a jail here.

- A jail? - Yeah!

What are we gonna do, ma?

I don't know, darling, we can't very well live in the street.

Why not? It seems to be well furnished.

Look, the city put you here, well, you stay here

until the city put you somewhere else.

What's he sayin'?

He said the city put us here and we should live here.

He said the city put us here and we should live here.

Come here, everybody. Come here. Listen to me.

Why not live out here?

What's the matter with the sky for a ceiling?

But Eddie, how can we live out here?

Just as you lived inside.

But out here you'll have more fresh air

more help and more flies.

But it could be done.

Look!

Don't you believe in signs?

You see? Even Mr. Cooper says it's a good idea.

Build a little home. You have everything here.

♪ We always have a roof above us ♪

♪ As long as there's a sky ♪

♪ And if we have someone to love us ♪

♪ We're sure of getting by ♪

♪ You don't need a lot of log and stone ♪

♪ Build a home on happiness ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ With a million little stars ♪

♪ We can decorate the ceiling ♪

♪ With an optimistic feeling ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ Every single little dream ♪

♪ Is a single roll of rafter ♪

♪ We can paint the house with laughter ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ It's not a palace ♪

♪ Or a poor house ♪

♪ But the rent is absolutely free ♪

♪ This is my house but it's your house ♪

♪ If you come and live with me ♪

♪ With a carpet on the floor ♪

♪ Made of buttercups and clover ♪

♪ All our troubles will be over ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

Look, I'll show you!

This can be the dining room

this can be the living room.

Come on, help me with the couch, will you?

♪ With a million little stars ♪

♪ We can decorate the ceiling ♪

♪ With an optimistic feeling ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ Every single little dream ♪

♪ Is a single roll of rafter ♪

♪ We can paint the house with laughter ♪

♪ It's not a palace ♪

♪ Or a poor house ♪

♪ But the rent is absolutely free ♪

♪ This is my house but it's your house ♪

♪ If you come and live with me ♪

♪ With a carpet on the floor ♪

♪ Made of buttercups and clover ♪

♪ All our troubles will be over ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ With a million little stars ♪

♪ We can decorate the ceiling ♪

♪ With an optimistic feeling ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ Every single little dream ♪

♪ Is a single roll of rafter ♪

♪ We can paint the house with laughter ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ It's not a palace ♪

♪ Or a poor house. ♪

♪ But the rent is absolutely free ♪

♪ This is my house but it's your house ♪

♪ If you come and live with me ♪

♪ With a carpet on the floor ♪

♪ Made of buttercups and clover ♪

♪ All our troubles will be over ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

Here, here, what's going on here?

- You can't do this! - Why not?

- We're only building a home. - A home?

Sure, everybody is doing it, come on and join in.

♪ It's not a palace ♪

♪ Or a poor house ♪

♪ But the rent is absolutely free ♪

♪ This is my house but it's your house ♪

♪ If you come and live with me ♪

♪ With a carpet on the floor ♪

♪ Made of buttercups and clover ♪

♪ All our troubles will be over ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪♪

Stop this nonsense!

Mr. Cooper, you're just in time for dinner.

I warned you to keep out of my way.

My good friends

I sacrificed to buy this property and why.

A year from now, where those buildings stand

you'll see a grand new jail.

Say, the old jail was good enough for your father

it ought to be good enough for you.

What?

You think you're a great man, but look what you do.

You built homes for statues and criminals

and put these people out on the street.

Mr. Cooper, you're, you're..

You took the words right out of my mouth.

That's enough, this time it's final.

- Call the wagon. - Never mind.

- I can walk. - Alright, you walk.

Walk him to the city limits, and throw him out.

Come on.

Can I please say goodbye to Julian?

Go ahead.

Goodbye, Julian.

They're throwing me out because I told the truth.

Cooper, that big floor flusher.

He compares West Rome to ancient Rome.

Rome, that was a real place.

They knew how to treat people there.

Well, here we are.

Where am I going? Where am I going to live?

Why don't you go back to ancient Rome.

You're always talking about it.

I wish I could.

They didn't put people out on a street in Rome.

Send us a telegram when you get there.

Sure, we'll come up and see you some time.

Get going.

Rome. There was a city.

Rome. Rome.

Rome. Rome.

Rome. Rome. Rome.

Hey! Why don't you blow your horn?

Hail, brother.

Hello, fellas.

Where's the circus?

Down this road and straight ahead.

Oh, I thought for a minute..

- What circus is it? - The Circus Maximus, of course.

Maximus.. Not Ringling Brothers?

Are you bound for Rome?

No, I was just thrown out..

I mean, I just left there.

Have they heard of our glorious victory over the Bretons?

- They lost their shirts. - Yeah, but they got your pants.

Look, why don't you boys run back into the dressing room

and put them on, huh?

Is it thus you greet the soldiers of Emperor Valerius?

Me thinks thou art a spy.

- Me thinks thou art nuts. - Nuts?

Yes, I'm giving you the raspberry.

Nuts, raspberry, perhaps he's a food vendor.

Well, I used to help out at Keeps grocery

but when Cooper saw me with Agrippa.

The Empress Agrippa? You know her?

Do I know her..

Where do you think I sleep nights?

What?

He insults Her Imperial Majesty.

And by the Gods, he shall die.

Hey, this guy is alright, he can act.

Hey, look out with that thing, you know you almost cut me then?

- Stop! - Let him die like a Roman.

With steel in his hand.

- And steel in his heart. - Listen you!

Keep on playing with those knives

the first thing you know you'll hurt somebody.

Look at the point of that thing. Look at it.

How would you like to have me poking at you like that?

Huh? Here.

You play with him. And we'll watch.

The coward will not fight.

Boil him in oil.

- Cut his head out. - Let him go.

Hold your tongue!

Well, it seems kinda silly but if you want me

to do it, I'll do it.

Tie him to that stake.

He will make a worthy target for our arrows.

- A good laid plan. - Yeah, what's so good about it?

Wait a minute, you can't now, get me around like this.

What do you think you're doing? Wait a minute.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Big boys like you playing Indian.

If you guys are trying to scare me..

Yes.

You're going fine.

Oh!

Don't worry, whiskers. I can fix it.

See, I've got some string here in my pocket.

My pockets are gone. My pants are gone.

Good heavens! Help!

You mean, this is no fooling?

I'm really living in Rome?

Yes, but not for long.

But wait a minute!

If this is really Rome, you can't kill me.

Oh, no?

No, 'cause I haven't been born yet.

It would not only be murder, it would be birth control.

Say! Wait a minute!

Well.. Help! Help!

Help!

Hail, Josephus, friend of the people.

Well, what manner of game is this?

It ain't post office, friend of the people.

This fellow is a spy.

- He is a traitor. - It's your turn now.

This dog maligned the Empress Agrippa.

Oh, I did not, all I said was I used to sleep beside her at--

Enough! This is blasphemy!

Death is too good for him. Take him to the slave market.

I'd be much much more useful around the fish market.

- I used to work for-- - Silence!

You will be sold to the highest bidder.

Perhaps, I'll buy you myself

if only to let you feel my whip.

Save your money, I can feel it here.

At the slave market!

- Hah! - Yuu, ya, ya!

Well, what am I bid for this sturdy little captive?

What am I bid?

Ladies, please don't touch unless you're gonna buy.

And don't buy.

Isn't anybody gonna bid?

What, nobody?

Well, if nobody wants me

I might as well go home.

Slaves who are not sold are thrown to the lions.

To the lions?

Well, what are you waiting for? Let's have a bid.

Yeah. Come, come, citizens.

What am I offered for this slave?

Well, somebody say five dinars?

Do I hear five dinars?

I don't even hear four dinars.

What's the matter with you people?

'Don't you know a bargain when you see one?'

Well, somebody make a bid.

Look at me. I can cook a little.

I can take care of the children.

If there are no children, I can take care of that

by being a son to you.

Doesn't anybody want him?

Doesn't anybody want me?

It looks like you're going to the lions.

Oh, come people, you may never get a chance like this again.

I can sing.

♪ All of me ♪

♪ Why not take all of me ♪

- What about this - Look, I can dance.

- Take him to the lions! - 100 pifix.

100 pifix.

You, oh, mister, you'll never be sorry for this.

Tell me, how much is the 100 pifix.

One tenth of one gold dollar.

Why that's ten cents, what do you think this is, wool wear?

Silence! 100 pifix has been bid.

- Do I hear more? - One gold dinars.

Say, one gold dinars, that's more like it.

The dinars is bid by Josephus.

Who?

Oh, please, mister, don't sell me to him. He wants to whip me.

He told me so.

One dinars's bid, one dinars's bid.

Why don't you sell me to the man with the pifix

after all he spoke first.

- Pifix are not bad. - One dinars's bid.

- Do I hear two? - Look!

Look, people, look what you can get f-for two dinars.

Look at these skins, imported.

- All the way from Russia. - One dinars's bid.

One dinars, one dinars. One dinars, one dinars.

If I throw in two pair of pants, will you take me?

Going to Josephus for one dinars.

- Going, going.. - 'Two dinars!'

Two dinars! Who bid that?

- Somebody over there. - Two dinars a bid!

- Three dinars! - Three dinars a bid!

- Four dinars! - Four dinars..

- Who bid that four dinars? - Same fella.

- Four dinars a bid! - Five dinars!

Five dinars! Now let me hear another dinars.

♪ Dinar is there anything finer? ♪

- Silence! - Ooh! Ooh!

What do I hear?

You just heard me saying dinars.

Going to Josephus for five dinars!

- Going! Going!-- - Six dinars!

Wrap me up.

- Who bid that? - I did..

'Six dinars a bid.'

But, lady, you're just throwing your money away.

I'm weak, I can't do any work.

I'm not buying you for work.

That's just what I was afraid of.

'Six dinars's a bid, do I hear seven?'

Listen, buddy, why don't you bid seven dinars?

Why the gold in my teeth is worth more than that, see?

- Seven dinars. - 'Seven dinars a bid.'

- Eight dinars. - 'Eight dinars a bid.'

'Eight dinars a bid, eight dinars a bid, do I hear nine?'

No more bid? Alright.

Going to the lady for eight dinars.

- Going! Going! - What about you.

Or you? Mr. Josephus, please, buy me.

You can even whip me on my day off.

- Ten dinars! - Ten dinars!

Going for ten dinars! Going!

Going! Going..

Gone.

You understand, Olga?

Yes, I understand. Wait for me below.

♪ Through the ages ♪

♪ Comes a cry ♪

♪ A woman's cry of despair ♪

♪ Others know it so do I ♪

♪ Oh why did you ♪

♪ Make me cry? ♪

♪ No more sun ♪

♪ In the sky above ♪

♪ Clouds are all I see ♪

♪ There's no more love ♪

♪ In your heart for me ♪

♪ No more birds ♪

♪ Sing their melody ♪

♪ In the willow tree ♪

♪ There's no more love ♪

♪ In your heart for me ♪

♪ No more arms ♪

♪ Hold me tenderly ♪

♪ You are a memory ♪

♪ There's no more love ♪

♪ In your heart ♪

♪ For me ♪♪

♪ No more arms ♪

♪ Hold me tenderly ♪

♪ You're a memory ♪

♪ There's no more love ♪

♪ In your heart ♪

♪ For me ♪♪

Have you ever been lashed before, slave?

Oh, yes, when I was a kid.

Where was that, slave?

In the regular place, you know?

Well, do you want me to cross your knees?

No, I'm not going to whip you.

- You're not? - No.

Oh, well, then I won't need this.

- Hail, Majordomo. - Hail, Marcius.

You are a strange fella. I like you.

I like you too.

But maybe you better let me hold the whip.

Oh, that's my chariot whip.

Watch.

Say, you're a good whipper snapper.

Look, could you please let me try it once?

- Go ahead. - I just like to try it once.

Now you are in trouble. That's the emperor's Majordomo.

You dog, I'll have you whipped without an inch

of your life for this.

I assure you it was an accident.

Do you never tire feeding the cause of others?

I'm afraid not.

Well, the emperor is tired of it, Josephus.

If you can take a warning.

Gee, thanks a lot.

You know, I couldn't have hit him with this thing

if I wanted to.

All I tried to do was to crack it like this.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Josephus, our friend.

See, everybody seems to be crazy about you here, you know.

I like being your slave.

You are no longer my slave.

No?

I guess I'm just a failure, I can't even

keep a job as a slave.

Oh, I bought you to set you free.

Don't throw away the price tag you won't be able to get a refund.

Tell me what's your name?

- Eddie. - Oh, there's no such name.

- I'll call you Oedipus. - Alright, I'll call you Joe.

Make way for the emperor!

Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail!

Hail! Hail!

When are they going to say "The gang's all here?"

Hail! Hail!

What good are these conquests?

- They only mean higher taxes. - Yeah.

Josephus, it's an outrage.

The emperor parades while we starve.

Be patient, my friend. Our day will come.

We'll put an end to his tyranny if necessary by force.

Look, Joe, a girl. Who is that?

It's the Princess Silvia of Britain. A prisoner of war.

Why doesn't the emperor let her ride?

Only the emperor can ride in the emperor's chariot.

Yeah, why doesn't he get a chariot with a rumble seat?

Hey, Valerius, you can't treat her like that.

Valerius! Valerius!

- Take him to the dungeons. - Yeah, take him to the dungeon.

Who's got the boar?

These wars exhaust me, Domo. I need some relaxation.

Have Olga come and sing for me.

Olga was sold today in the slave market

by your Majesty's command.

No, no, Domo. I said depose her.

Not dispose of her.

Olga has long been my favorite, Olga loves me.

True, she has slipped a little, but we must not be ungrateful.

You must find some reward for her devotion.

Yes, Your Majesty.

I have it, she should be made slave to my new favorite.

Who better than Olga can tell her what to do?

Or more important, what not to do.

Meaning, of course, the Princess Silvia.

Don't hurry me, Domo.

- I know you. - You do?

Yes, you are the man I just saw the soldiers bring in here.

I know you very well.

Too bad you didn't see them arrest me

we might have been relatives.

Who are those guys?

They are the emperor's torturers.

They twist your spine and bend your bones.

Oh, chiropractors.

They torture their victims with hot irons

and fire.

Oh, come, come, come it isn't as funny as all that.

Oh, to me, all life is comedy.

I have found the secret of eternal laughter.

There is a legend of the gods that a volcano

is but a mountain bursting with laughter

at the world.

I suppose an earthquake is just a giggle.

Yeah, from such a mountain

I have gathered what no one else in the world possesses.

I have lava gas.

Oh, you'll be alright.

Take a little bicarbonate of soda--

Uh, no, no, no.

One whiff of this lava gas

and you will roar with laughter

even though you're suffering.

You mean to say if I just take one whiff of this

I'll burst right out laughing.

- Yes. Yes. - I'd like to try, then.

No, only when you are suffering.

Oh.

What's that?

Hungry lions

in the next cell.

Oh, I'd like to feed them.

You will.

I guess he laughed himself out.

This cell is empty.

Wait here. The rest go down there.

Stop. Why can't I go with my people?

It's the emperor's command.

Princess, I'm frightened.

Yes, I know.

But we mustn't let the Romans know it.

In there.

Princess, Princess!

Don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid.

Wasn't it you who tried to save me?

Well, I did kinda wanna talk to Valerius about you.

Then it's my fault you're here.

No, Princess. I'm always in trouble.

But don't worry, we won't be here long.

Josephus will get us out.

Josephus? Who is he?

He's my boss.

Remember during the parade when you were looking at me?

Yes.

Well, he was standing right next to me.

But I guess you didn't see him

on the account of looking at me.

- Oedipus! - Joe!

Quick, Your Highness, there's no time to lose.

- I've come to free you. - It's Joe, Josephus.

The man I've been telling you about.

What about the guard, Joe?

A bribe has made him a friend.

Why are you doing this for me?

To gain your favor, I'd give my life.

- Merely for my favor? - Willing.

Take it. It's a bargain.

You must hurry, Your Highness.

Come, Oedipus.

Joe, I can't go with you.

I've gotten sort of attached to this place.

Get the the key for this.

Josephus! The emperor.

- Tell him we're out. - You must go.

I'll be back.

Josephus.

Your Majesty.

You did not tell me that Josephus was my prisoner.

Your Majesty, I'm here to see my slave

who has been unjustly imprisoned.

You've crossed my path to often, Josephus.

I advise you to leave unless you care to stay here permanently.

Are you quite comfortable here, Your Highness?

Quite, Your Majesty.

I only hope that someday

I shall be able to entertain you

as comfortably.

I believe you'll find my palace more restful.

I prefer it here.

So be it.

I take pride in my conquest of the heart.

I cannot desire you unless you desire me.

Therefore, I should keep you imprisoned here

until you do desire me.

'What a lover!'

Who said that?

I did.

And that's not all I'm gonna say.

I want to tell you a few words, perhaps..

Who is this slave?

He is the dog that tried to attack you during the procession.

- I didn't. I merely-- - Silence!

Before that, he attacked me with a whip.

- A horse whip! - That was only one I had.

'Gag the dog!'

And now, my dear.

Doesn't it flatter you to know

that of all the lovely ladies in the Rome

I have chosen the Britain for my favorite?

I prefer your alliance.

I wonder if your countrymen down the corridor

have the same preference?

- You wouldn't dare.. - Why not?

- Come, Domo. - Wait.

If I got to your palace..

...do you promise no harm will come to my countrymen?

On my honor.

Domo, escort the princess to the palace.

And now, put this dog to the torture.

And when he's screaming in agony

I should come back and enjoy his suffering.

You boys leaving?

Nice development.

- The hot iron! - Make mine cold.

Oh!

- Much hotter. - Listen, boys.

Why can't we talk this thing over?

Please, sit down. Just sit dow. Let's--

Oh!

I'll tear you to pieces for this.

Honest, mister, I didn't mean it.

I feel terribly sorry

if I hurt you.

Think it's funny, huh?

We'll show you.

Oh, boys! You're killing me.

Oh, you're breaking my arm.

Suppposing, I was your own brother.

I have no brother.

He died last week.

Let's chain him and put the hot irons..

...against his feet.

I bet it'd be horribly painful.

It will probably cripple you.

What is the meaning of this..

I come to watch a slave suffer torture and I hear him laughing.

But I am suffering, Your Majesty.

Enough of this nonsense!

Give him the hot irons!

But slowly.

'Closer. Closer.'

Now, we'll get some screaming.

You fools! You'll die for this.

We are sorry, Your Majesty.

You sat down on the..

You dare laugh..

...when your emperor is wounded?

But Valerius, you're laughing too!

So I am.

It's the first time in years.

Release him!

You shall live, slave.

Did you hear that, boys?

- As long as you can amuse me. - Yeah.

Don't go away, fellas.

I might be back any minute.

You have a nice war, Valerius?

Hmm, rather dull.

The weather was warm

and the mosquitos were terrible.

It's wonderful, my dear

having you home again.

Thank you, Agrippa.

Come, let us drink

to our undying love.

By all means.

- Your health, me dear. - My health?

May I keep it always.

Always.

Food taster.

Oh, Valerius!

This is horrible

to think

it might have been you!

There, there, my dear.

Do not let it disturb you.

Pehaps you'll have better luck the next time.

- Has there been an accident? - No.

Something he ate, no doubt.

Oh, you'd love America.

And have we got a traffic system

with all kinds of lights.

Take for instance

a man wants to cross the street

but he can't do it because the red light is against them.

Well, he couldn't do it anyway

two policemen are watching him.

They've got burglars all over towns

speakeasy, people are killing each other

but the police have got to see

that he doesn't cross the street.

Well?

When the police aren't looking

he sneaks over as far as the safety zone.

What's that?

That's where the people wait for a street car.

They have a white line. It's called the safety zone.

And is that a good idea!

Phew! If an automobile should hit you

while you're within the safety zone, that doesn't count.

It's gotta go all the way around and hit you again.

Yes, but what about this man?

Oh, he gets hit in the front

by a truck, in the back by a street car.

But he gets there, even if he has to go in an ambulance.

'Where is he going?'

To the movies to see "Mickey Mouse."

- "Mickey Mouse?" - 'Sure.'

'Mickey Mouse and his sweetheart, Minnie.'

A mouse has a sweetheart?

'And is she a mouse too?'

Sure. Otherwise it would be very inconvenient.

And when Mickey goes to see Minnie

what do you think Minnie is doing?

Well, what is she doing?

♪ There was Minnie ♪

♪ Kicking the gong ♪

♪ Around ♪♪

Oh!

See, give me those.

- They're my lucky dice! - Lucky?

Let me see those cubes.

Do you mean to, you've, uh

never seen a dice before?

Never.

Oh, emperor, are we going to have fun?

Come on, I'll shoot you for five dinars.

You'll shoot your emperor for five dinars?

Alright. I'll shoot you for three dinars.

- Why-- - I mean with the dice.

- Oh, oh! - Come on now.

Let's see if you're lucky.

If-if I win, that's a good sign.

If you win, that's a miracle.

Come on, seven!

'It's a natural.'

'Oh, dice'

'be good to me.'

'Huh!'

Twelve is my point. It's a little tough.

But I'll make it.

- I win. - Oh, no, no. Just a moment.

You lose. 12 was your point.

You threw a three and a four.

Well, three times four is 12. Isn't it?

Well, now let's see how we stand.

You owe me the colosseum

and the forum and the Major Domo.

Remember? I won him when I rolled a nine.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you back everything..

...that I've won.

You will?

And I'll tell you what're you gonna do for me.

What?

You can free the Princess Sylvia.

You seem much interested in my prisoner.

I am, Your Majesty.

I'm crazy about her.

Oh, you are?

'How would you like to be the official food taster?'

I find myself in need of a food taster.

You mean all I have to do is just eat?

Exactly.

You eat the same food I eat.

Only you eat it first.

'Say, that job sounds alright.'

But I'd like to ask you one question.

- What's that? - Do you like spinach?

No.

Well, in that case

I can go to work right away.

Ah, the wine!

Your Majesty, this is the last glass

of your favorite wine.

Hmm, that's a pity.

This wine has given me much pleasure.

- Taste, Oediphus. - Alright.

I don't mind if I do.

I would say, uh..

Well, well?

Don't hurry me.

I may be right.

And then..

...I may be wrong.

I was wrong.

It's good stuff.

- Josephus! - Shh.

Find Sylvia. I've come to take her away.

Wait here.

- Sylvia! - This is madness.

- You must go. - And you're coming with me.

I can't let you do this.

If you're caught, it means certain death.

Oh, Josephus, I love you.

If you love me

come with me.

Double the guards about these gardens.

And the next time, shoot to kill.

Manius

bring me Oediphus, the new food taster.

What do you want him for?

He's in love with the Princess Sylvia.

And therefore, should hate the emperor.

'Valerius must be poisoned.'

He could be very useful

Hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Are you the new food taster?

You want something tasted?

The empress wants to see you in her chambers.

Does the emperor know about this?

What the emperor doesn't know won't hurt him.

Yes, but what he will know might cripple me.

Come.

Oediphus.

'Oediphus.'

'Don't be afraid.'

What's the matter, empress?

Don't you feel well?

I don't feel so good myself.

I've got hiccups.

Sit beside me, Oediphus.

- Let me hold your hand. - No. No.

You'll start out by holding my hand

and pretty soon you'll wanna shuffle the whole deck.

Why are you so cold?

Maybe it's these clothes.

I'm not used to 'em.

Excuse me.

Oediphus.

You'll wear something out doing that.

Have you ever been fired by passion?

No, but I've been fired by everybody else.

Tell me about your country.

What do they know about..

...love?

Well, enough to keep things going.

We're still building schools.

Show me... show me.

I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.

You scare me.

That'll stop it.

Listen to me, Oediphus.

Tonight the emperor is going to be poisoned.

Why should that scare me?

See?

He's going to be poisoned... by you.

That did it, you notice?

It stopped.

No. It didn't work.

- See here, Oedipus. - Wait a minute.

I think I can scare myself better.

Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.

Here.

They got me. I've been attacked.

- We're amongst enemies. - Oh, Oedipus.

Look, no more hiccups.

I scared myself good, huh?

Well, thanks for trying.

Wait.

What about the poison?

Look, you don't have to scare me anymore.

- They're gone now. - Stop wasting time.

Listen, in a few hours the Princess Sylvia

is dining with the emperor.

The princess is in great danger.

You can save her, Oedipus..

...by poisoning the emperor at the banquet.

Your own husband?

Why, that's murder, isn't it?

Listen, Mrs. Valerius, of course, it isn't my business

but you're not being a very good wife.

- You dare? - Yes.

Your husband works hard all day

to give you a nice house and fine clothes

he comes home at night tired and hungry

and what does he get for his supper? Poison.

Five food tasters are dead

because they were afraid to carry out my plans.

I'm... not afraid.

- I think you are. - No.

Really. I'm not scared.

See?

I command that you leave Rome by tomorrow never to return.

At Ostia, a boat will be waiting to carry you to Carthage.

See that you do not miss that boat.

Take him away.

Joe!

May I say goodbye to my friend?

Goodbye?

Why, you haven't said hello yet.

Oedipus, I'm leaving Rome forever.

You're leaving? Do you have to?

The emperor has banished me.

Well, he can't get away with that.

The people love you, Joe. They won't stand for it.

The people will do nothing against Valerius

until they have definite proof of his dishonesty.

Oh, I'd give my right arm if I could find such proof.

Your right a..

Joe, you're hurt. How did it happen?

The emperor.

I'm lucky he spared my life.

Wouldn't it have been wise, Your Majesty, to have

had Josephus killed?

The people love him far too much.

In the present temper, it would have been dangerous.

But do not worry, I've forgotten nothing.

Josephus will not bother us again.

If they're going to serve poisoned food then Sylvia's in danger.

Oh, yeah.

- I must get to her and warn her. - Wait.

I can't let you do it for me, Joe.

You'd be caught.

Besides, I, well, you know, Sylvia and I..

But I must, Oedipus, you see, I love her.

You... love her?

Yes. My heart throbs for her.

My blood tingles, my head's in a whirl.

Say, you ought to be in bed.

You've got the flu.

'Time's up, Josephus.'

But Sylvia..

Don't worry. I'll get to her.

Tell her I'll be waiting outside the palace with my chariots.

If the plot succeeds, bring her to me quickly

the three of us will leave Rome together.

If it fails, I'll come for her myself.

- And, Oedipus. - Yes?

Tell her I love her.

Have you seen the Princess Sylvia?

- She's in the royal bath. - Through the gardens?

Wait! If you go in there, it means death.

Doesn't anybody around here ever die of old age?

You were told to let no man into these gardens

yet Josephus got in. I warn you, don't let it happen again.

To your posts!

Help!

Let go, will you?

Hey!

You've caught me..

You've caught me by the foot.

Hello, major. Fancy meeting you here.

I'll kill you for this.

It was Oedipus. Get him.

I found him trying to get over the garden wall.

I've waited a long time for this opportunity.

Give him a 100 lashes across the back.

But, Your Excellency, it's no use whipping him.

He can't be hurt, you know how he laughed

when the emperor had him tortured.

He's right. You'd just be waiting your time whipping me.

Why, when I'm hit all I do is laugh.

So you can't be hurt, eh?

No.

Well, we'll see.

See? Ha-ha.

I didn't feel anything.

- No? - No.

Well, I'll try again.

Certainly. Help yourself.

And this time I'll make sure.

Well... when are you gonna hit me?

- What? - I told you it was no use.

It must be black magic.

Black magic. That's what it is.

Black magic.

But how do you do it, slave?

Oh, just plain everyday magic.

I've got a certain magic word.

- Yes? - Yes.

If I say that magic word

would it mean that I too could never feel pain?

Well, I, uh, no, no..

- What is that magic word? - Oh, I couldn't tell you.

You'd go around telling everybody.

No, I promise you, I'd never tell anyone.

Oppo mopo dopo.

Oppo mopo.. Wait! We'll try that.

I'll say the magic word and you strike me.

No. No, no, no, no thanks.

Do as I say!

Alright, if you insist, but honestly

I wouldn't do this for my own mother.

One, two. Ready?

Oppo mopo.. Ah!

You hurt me.

- I felt that. - Sure you felt it.

You see, I said "Oppo mopo dopo" and what did you say?

- What did I say? - You see?

You don't even know yourself.

Come, come, come. I'll get it this time.

Yeah? You'll get it.

One, two. Ready?

Oppo mopo.. Uh! Why, you!

I know just exactly what you're gonna say.

You felt it again, sure you did.

You see? You put the accent on "Oppo"

instead of putting it on "Mopo," you dopo.

- Yes? - Yes.

Well, perhaps I'd learn more quickly

if I saw you struck again.

Oh, no, no, no, no--

Guard, you strike him while I listen.

And strike him as hard as you can.

Oh, but, but listen, it-it-it's silly.

How can you learn if I'm gonna do the practicing?

Besides, I don't feel anything.

Strike him!

See? I didn't feel a thing.

Sylvia?

Oh, yes. This mud is absolutely wonderful.

Take this little girl right here.

Why, she's only had two treatments

and already you wouldn't recognize her.

A man in here?

I must find him.

There, it's all finished.

Now keep perfectly quiet.

Who are you?

- You don't know who I am? - No.

Oh, am I glad... to meet you.

Oh. Aren't you the Ethiopian..

- Ethiopian. Beauty. Specialist. - Beauty. Specialist.

You sure guessed it, that's what I is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And the emperor sent me down here

to kinda look after the Princess Sylvia.

Oh, I see.

Slave. I'll have you taken to her.

Show the doctor to the Princess Sylvia's compartment.

Thank you, miss.

Sylvia, I have an important message

for you from Josephus.

From Josephus? Oh, quick, give it to me.

Don't eat anything at the emperor's banquet.

- Why not. - Never mind.

Just lay off the food I'll bring an ice-cream soda later.

What of Josephus? Is he safe?

He's okay, and he's waiting to take you to Ostia

right after the banquet.

Oh, thank the gods.

I almost forgot.

- He told me to tell you.. - Yes?

He said he loves you.

And I think he means it because he was feeling terrible.

Doctor, we just heard you were here.

Yes, doctor, can you give us some beauty hints?

Well, all I can tell you is..

♪ Athletics cosmetics a weighing machine ♪

♪ Are part of the feminine routine for what? ♪

♪ An ocean of lotions and potions you take ♪

♪ To keep that old something or other awake why not ♪

♪ Even after you grow old baby ♪

♪ You don't have to be a cold baby ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ It's your duty to be beautiful ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Da da da da don't fail to do your stuff ♪

♪ With a little powder and a puff ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ If you're wise exercise all the fat off ♪

♪ Take it off of here off of there ♪

♪ When you're seen anywhere with your hat off ♪

♪ Have a permanent wave in your hair ♪

♪ Take care of all those charms ♪

♪ And you'll always be in someone's arms ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Be sure and get your man ♪

♪ Wrap your body in a coat of tan ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ You'll always have your way ♪

♪ If he likes you in a negligee ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Oh a slim little waist is a pleasure ♪

♪ And a trim little limb is divine ♪

♪ Oh a sly little eye is a treasure ♪

♪ It'll get him drunker than wine ♪

♪ You'll drive him half-insane ♪

♪ In a bathing suit of cellophane ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Each wrinkle in your skin ♪

♪ Rub it out and rub a dimple in ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ In using or choosing a lipstick ♪

♪ Use the kind that won't leave any mark ♪

♪ Use the kind that'll make both his lips stick ♪

♪ When he kisses you in the dark ♪

♪ Get him to hold you tight ♪

♪ Let him get a whiff of Christmas night ♪

♪ And keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ If it's not very hot in the steam room ♪

♪ Then you've got to get hot in the cold ♪

♪ There is heat to the beat of the music ♪

♪ If they'll let their bodies unfold ♪

♪ Shake well to slenderise ♪

♪ Roll your eyes around for exercise ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Keep young and beautiful ♪

♪ If you want to be loved ♪

♪ Oh death where is thy sting ♪

♪ I don't care 'cause I've seen everything ♪

♪ Keep young and beaut.. ♪♪

But, Your Majesty, these taxes will amount to

millions of dinars more than your palace will cost.

Exactly, if the bill is passed

you will share in those millions.

You promised us that when we voted on the taxes for the Colosseum.

And the Circus Maximus.

And we're still waiting for our money.

This time I promise it before the gods.

I should be for it before we pass the bill.

The emperor can do no wrong.

So great a truth should be in writing.

Also your promise.

Then you shall have it in writing

for after all, don't we trust each other?

Oh.

- Oh.. - Who are you?

- Idiot. - A fool!

I'm pleased to meet you.

Have you no respect for senators?

Say, boys, you dropped something. Say..

Just like all senators, never listen to the people.

Say... Joe might be able to use this.

Goodbye.

It's been fun knowin' you.

Come, Oedipus.

Your Majesty, my kitchen is honored.

- Is everything in readiness? - Yes, Your Majesty.

- Mm, squabs, I love 'em. - Careful.

There's enough poison in one of those nightingale

to kill 50 men.

No wonder the poor little thing is dead.

At the banquet, Oedipus, you will be able to eat

oneof these nightingales.

Thank you very much, but I'm on a diet.

My doctor has forbidden me any poison.

Only one contains the poison.

And that one..

...is for the emperor.

- The emperor. - The emperor. Long may he live.

Listen closely, Oedipus

for the banquet, the emperor has ordered these nightingales

his favorite food.

When the dish is passed

you would take the one without the pasley

for the one without the pasley is the one without the poison.

In a few hours, I should be the supreme ruler of Rome

and you, Oedipus, will be the most popular man--

In the cemetery.

When I'm ruler, you shall have a province at Egypt.

Egypt.

What I have always wanted.

Remember, Oedipus, the one without the pasley

is the one without the poison, there must be no mistake.

You're telling me

the one without the pasley is the one without the poison.

The one without the pasley is the one without the pasl.. No.

The one without the pasley is the one without the poison.

Come, Oedipus.

The one without the pasley

is the one without the poisley.

The one without the p.. The one without the pa..

The one without the pa..

The one without the poison is the one without the pasley..

Egypt. Egypt.

There, I can feed my wife to the crocodiles.

The one without the pasley..

The one without.

The one without the pasley is the one without the poison.

The one without the pasley is the one without the poison.

The one without the pasley is the one without the poi..

Let the banquet begin.

Where is my food taster?

Where is Oedipus?

- Oedipus! - Oedipus!

- Oedipus! - Oedipus!

Did, uh, someone call me?

Am I late? I must be late.

- You going to bed already. - Oedipus, I--

I know just what you gonna say.

I'm fired and you're absolutely right.

If a fella can't get to work on time

he doesn't deserve to hold the job.

I hope this will teach me a lesson. Good bye.

Wait. I forgive you, Oedipus.

What's more? I have a special treat for you.

Double nightingales.

I don't deserve it.

Double nightingales is my favorite dish.

Somehow I never seem to get enough of them.

You'll get enough of them.

- What's that? - My lunch.

A hot dogs and the pickle. Domo, get the mustard.

You are my food taster and you eat what I eat.

Oh!

What are you doing? Hey, wait a minute.

That frank would've cost me four pifix.

Oop! Oww! Oh!

- Now what? - He wanted to bite me.

- How do you know? - Because he bit me.

She won't harm you.

That's Cleopatra, the royal crocodile.

Well, Cleopatra's made her mark.

She almost tore my toga. Go away. Shoo! Scram.

Careful, slave, Cleopatra's of royal descent.

Well, she doesn't behave like it.

Biting people's togas.

- The nightingales. - The nightingales.

- The nightingales. - The nightingales.

- The nightingales. - The nightingales.

'The nightingales.'

Egypt.

Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

The one without the pasley..

The one without the pasley is the one without..

We'll wait here, Lucius.

Banquet must've started by now. If the plot fails..

By the God to save Silvia, I'll kill the emperor myself.

- After you, major. - Drink.

- Oedipus, what's wrong? - What's the matter?

Oh, I've got a pain, maybe it's something I'm gonna eat.

Is there a doctor in the house?

- No. - Well, alright then.

I'll run down to his office. It'll be a little cheaper anyway.

Taste the nightingales, Oedipus.

You call those nightingales?

Look, look how tough they are.

But don't worry, we have got a dish here

that you'll be crazy about.

- Cheese blintzes. - Well, I..

- One cheese blintzes. - We have no cheese blintzes.

Oedipus, taste.

That's food for your stomach

but is the food for your soul? No.

- Food for the soul? - Yes, food for your soul music.

That's what you need.

♪ Listen friends and Romans ♪

♪ Let me have your ears ♪

♪ Would that I were home for just a day ♪

♪ I could settle all my country's cares and fears ♪

♪ I'd call up my president and say ♪

♪ Tax your food your coat and hat ♪

♪ Tax your income tax your flat ♪

♪ We can't do away with that ♪

♪ Put a tax on love ♪

♪ Taxi cab will have a clock ♪

♪ That will register the shock ♪

♪ Of the kisses on each block ♪

♪ Put a tax on love ♪

♪ Every time you go and steal ♪

♪ A moonlight kiss ♪

♪ Mark it down because you're gonna pay for this ♪

♪ Love a little love a lot ♪

♪ Love that's true and love that's not ♪

♪ No excuse that you forgot ♪

♪ Put a tax on love ♪

♪ Break your frigid there and then ♪

♪ Let's go back when men were men ♪

♪ Bring the iceman back again ♪

♪ Put a tax on love ♪

♪ Married couples have no fear ♪

♪ Though at first your tax is dear ♪

♪ It gets less and less each year ♪

♪ Put on tax on love ♪

♪ Crooners on the radio must understand ♪

♪ The both of them have pasley not on yat yat yat ♪

♪ Here's a law that love is in the land would be endorsing ♪

♪ This is bound to stop a lot fighting and divorcing ♪

♪ Sofas in the palace will need lots of reinforcing ♪

♪ Put a tax on love ♪♪

Stop. I am not amused.

- Taste the nightingales. - Alright, if you insist.

- What are you doing there? - She's hungry.

You see I am your food taster and Cleo is mine.

How dare you risk the life of a royal crocodile?

Don't you realize that might be poisoned?

Do I realize..

It's an even bet.

Are you going to eat?

Of course, I'm going to eat.

I like nightingales.

Why I can eat nightingales all day long.

You would never make any..

There's something strange going on here.

- What do you do about it? - Nothing, I'm a stranger.

- Yeah, I just came to-- - Send for the chef!

Valerius. Valerius. Don't touch those nightingales.

- They're poisoned. - What?

He did it. He, Silvia and Josephus.

They wanna murder you. The chef just confessed.

- Oh, for heavens.. - I can believe of Josephus.

And this fool would do anything.

But I'm sure you must be mistaken about the princess.

You're right, she didn't do it. She didn't even know about it.

- Just as I thought. - It is true.

I wanted you to be destroyed.

You and your whole rotten empire.

Don't believe her. She had nothing to do with it.

Hush! Hush.

The child is hysterical.

Olga, take her away.

You're the bravest man I've ever known.

Goodbye, Oedipus.

The stairway.

Where are you taking me?

To Josephus.

Oh, Olga.

Well, Oedipus, we come to you.

Couldn't you skip me?

Your Majesty, oughtn't we first

to capture Josephus before he leaves the city?

I've told you, I've forgotten nothing, Domo.

Orders have been given to kill Josephus

and anyone who accompanies him.

The moment they set foot on the boat in Ostia.

You did that to Joe, you double-crossing--

- Silence. - Let them speak.

These out his last words.

Alright, I know all about you, Valerius.

You and your racket, you put up palaces

and the people put up twice as much as they cost.

- And I've got the proof. - Enough!

I commend this very day

that the food taster, Oedipus, be thrown to the lions

and torn limb from limb until he's dead.

Now have you anything to say?

No, I guess that covers everything.

Take him away.

Forward!

March!

Forward! March!

Wait here, Lucius, if Olga succeeds bring Oedipus with you.

Goodbye, Olga. May the gods protect you.

The paper was taken from us by force.

Oedipus attacked us in the corridor.

So that's where he got his proof.

Oedipus.

Where's Joe? We've gotta stop him.

He and the Princess Silvia have started for Ostia.

Silvia too? Oh!

We've gotta stop 'em before they get on that boat

or they'll be killed.

- How far is it, Ostia? - Fourteen miles.

Quick. Step on the gas.

Oh!

Say, how do you stay in this thing?

Chain him to the chariot.

- Chain me? - Yes.

- Your Majesty? - Yes.

- Oedipus escaped. - What?

Get him immediately. Catch him dead or alive.

Take my fastest charioteers, Domo.

And remember, your emperor's honor depends upon it.

Oedipus the food taster has escaped.

One thousand dinars to the man who brings him back

dead or alive. Preferably dead. After him!

Faster. Faster. We must get to Ostia.

Help! Oh, help!

Oh!

They're after us. Quick!

Faster! Faster!

Ram him to the wall!

Look out! Look out!

- After him! - Come on!

We've got to stop Joe and Silvia.

There they are! Silvia and Joe.

Hey, Joe, don't go to Ostia.

The emperor, you'll be killed. They're after us.

Stay off the road. I'll follow.

Lucius? Oh! Oh!

Oh-oh!

Hey! Look out!

Oh!

Ow!

Whoo!

Hey! Hey!

Faster, faster!

Oh!

Oh-oh!

Help!

Oh!

Oh!

- What hit me? - You're alright.

The wagon hardly touch you. Come on.

Oh, no. Let me go. I forgot something.

- I've gotta catch Josephus. - Hm.

I have the evidence against Valerius.

- Here in my toga. - In your what?

It's gone. But I had a toga.

And I had the letter written by the emperor

bribing the senators.

What are you talking about?

Here. Here is Valerius bribe to the senators.

Here it is.

No. No.

It's Cooper's bribe to the chief of police.

Let me look.

Eddie, you're coming back to West Rome with me.

- 'Twenty years.' - 'He deserves it.'

'It serves him right.'

The town oughta be pretty thankful for Eddie.

Eddie oughta get a medal.

Yes, Sara.

We'd still be living in the street

if it wasn't for Eddie.

Pa! Eddie's coming! Pa!

Eddie's coming! Ma!

♪ With an optimistic feeling ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪

♪ With a carpet on the floor ♪

♪ Made of buttercups and clover ♪

♪ All our troubles will be over ♪

♪ When we build a little home ♪♪