Original subtitles

Well, still got a For Rent.

When a box gets signed for, it be full of money.

Well, Doc, when two fellas get to arguing,

why, you try to get 'em separated before they get into a ruckus.

Don't you understand?

You try to use a little reason before you bang heads together.

You can catch more flies with honey, you know.

Who in tarnation wants a whole mess of flies stuck in honey?

You shoe flies away, you just don't...

Never mind. Never mind. I'm sorry I said anything. Never mind.

Lookee here.

Looks like we're getting paid the honor of another visit

from them prime ridge runners again.

We're looking for the marshal, not no sass.

Well, the marshal ain't here. He's went to Abilene for a spell.

Now, what can I do for you, besides show you the quickest road out of town?

That deputy ain't changed a bit in being quite unsociable.

Now, I'm asking you what you're doing here in Dodge City. Answer me.

- Bringing us in a wanted man. - He got a bounty on him.

Bounty's worth 50 dollars. Now, when can we get it?

- What's he wanted for? - Horse stealing.

Well, of course, it's been a few years back since it happened,

but I guess the bounty'll still be good.

How long's it gonna take us to get that money?

Wait a minute. He must be 85 or 90 years old.

He's 103. He'll be 104 come next week.

But, then, Uncle Finney, he's never been strong on figures.

- Uncle? - Can we get that money today?

Hold on a minute.

You mean to tell me that he's your uncle and you're gonna turn him in for $50?

- We kind of stay law abiding. - That's right.

Now, the horse he stole he's sitting on.

That be the evidence that he be guilty, if you figure there be a question.

And of course this horse looked a whole lot better when he was stole.

That must have been about, what, 12, 14 years ago.

There won't be no hitch in getting that bounty money?

Hold on. Hold on. Just hush your mouth a minute! Hush up!

I bet he's got a grandpa up in the hills they'd turn in for a bottle of whiskey.

- Yeah. - Now, here.

Uncle Finney? Uncle Finney?

- We be here. - Huh?

We're at the Dodge jail, Uncle Finney. We're gonna turn you over to the law.

Come on, Uncle Finney, now.

Easy does it, now. Easy. There you are.

Feelin' thirsty.

Don't you worry. We're gonna take care of that.

Just as soon as we get us the bounty business settled.

Come on.

Don't walk too fast, Uncle Finney, now. You'll get them leg cramps again. Easy.

- Doc... - Don't look at me.

You're the big deputy United States marshal around here.

Yeah, here it is, right here.

"$50 reward for information

leading to the arrest of person or persons unknown

stealing a plow horse from the Anderson farm."

Brand mark is Bar A.

That'd be the one. How long will it take to get our money?

Oh, money, money.

That's the only thing you two got in your head.

Ain't you got no feelin' for your Uncle Finney here?

Uncle Finney don't mind straightening things out before he meets his maker.

Now, when can we get us that money?

It's Matthew, the marshal, that's to give you the reward,

if you got any comin', when he gets back.

You're acting for the marshal. Don't seem right you ain't paying us.

Right. Now, why don't you just give us the piece of paper

that says we got that money comin' to us?

- Well, because... - You have to. It's the law.

- You have to write out a receipt. - All right, Doc, all right.

You know how busy I am, just a-runnin' around like a jugful of ants,

and then these two knotheads come in here and I...

I'll tell you, it just ain't natural even for a skunk or a polecat

to turn in his own kinfolk for a few measly dollars.

Maybe you fellas ought to come back directly and pick up this here paper.

- What is the matter with now? - Yes, why not just...?

Well, golly Bill, Doc, a fella just can't sit down

and write out one of these here legal documents, like they say,

without a-thinking about what it's going to read.

- Just say we got $50 coming. - Wait a minute here. Just a minute.

As a matter of simple curiosity, what do you plan to do with the $50?

We're gonna open a saloon in Dodge. Need it for rent money.

A sa... in Dodge? For $50?

Well, it ain't gonna be nothing fancy.

We just gonna have us some corn whiskey

that we got a good stock of up in them hills.

Oh, Doc, I'm getting a little touch of that ague back in my hand again.

It came back on you because of all the documents you've had to write.

Yeah, well, all right, I'll do it for you.

That's right, Doc.

Now, where are you gonna be putting your Uncle Finney up at?

- Putting up? - Of course. He can't stay here in jail.

Well, now, wait a minute.

If you wanna put Uncle Finney up in a hotel,

that's gonna be your own problem.

There ain't never no prisoners gets put up at the hotel.

There's a couple of things to keep in mind about Uncle Finney.

He sleeps most every day, ain't awake but an hour.

- That's when he gets his bottle. - Bottle?

- You mean he gets milk-fed? - Whiskey.

He ain't missed a bottle a day since he was knee high, the way he tells it.

Maybe that's been keeping him alive.

All right, Festus, here, you gotta sign this.

- Just go on and sign it. - No, you're the deputy marshal.

You've gotta sign it.

Smart aleck.

Now, who's gonna be a-buying this bottle of whiskey every day

for your Uncle Finney here?

That kind of be the law's problem.

Well, you expect...?

They're expecting me to buy a bottle of whiskey every day

and bring it in here to a prisoner.

Well, certainly. You've gotta keep him alive and in good health.

That's the law. It's your duty.

If that's what's been keeping Uncle Finney alive,

then that's where... we gotta continue...

I don't know. I think maybe I'd better check him over first.

You get him into bed. I'll go get my bag.

Uncle Finney?

Uncle Finney?

Time to go to bed.

Easy, now. Easy, now.

Get your balance. That's it.

Would you please hurry?

Well, yes, ma'am.

Thank you. Have a nice day, ma'am.

We're renting the place across from the freight office.

Who are we supposed to talk to?

Mr. Bodkin.

These two gentlemen wish to see you, sir.

What is this?

Well, that there's money we got coming to us from the marshal's office. Uh...

We need us some credit till we can get the cash money.

Well, I don't think we can do business like this.

Well, the place for rent or ain't it?

Sir.

Last time we were in town, we found out that the bank owned that building.

- And it was 12... - 12.

Yeah, $12 a month rent, somebody said.

Well, that's true, it is for sale or lease, but...

$50 cash we got coming.

Now, if it don't come through, you ain't gonna lose much anyway,

'cause that building's just been standing there.

Well, I agree with you, it has been idle for months.

All right. Let's say the first of next week is your first payment.

- We got us a business deal. - Thank you.

Elbert Moses! Roland Daniel!

What you all done with Uncle Finney?

Now, what makes you think we done anything with him?

'Cause I come home and he be gone

and a whole bunch of folks told me they seen you toting him off.

- Now, where is he? - Now, you just take it easy, girl.

You all done plumb lost your minds or something? Where is Uncle Finney?

He's real safe. Now, he may be asleep if your hollering ain't waking him up.

And when'd you two get out of that county work farm?

You escape or somethin'?

A month early. They called it good behavior.

Oh, pooh.

You ain't never done one second of good behaving your whole life.

- Now, what you done... - Quit your howling, girl, you hear?

Incredible.

- What is, Doc? - Well...

Ticking away like a fine watch.

He don't look like there's six ticks left in him, does he?

Where's the bottle?

Right away, Uncle Finney.

- Well, Doc... - Festus, there...

There might be better ways of staying healthy, I guess,

but in this case I'd strongly suggest

that we just don't disturb the delicate balance of nature, or whatever it is.

Give him his whiskey.

You done what?

I told you. We turned in Uncle Finney for the $50 reward on him.

Don't get excited. We ain't gonna leave him in jail.

But we need the $50 to get started in town.

Started doing what?

We're gonna open us up a saloon,

right across the street from the freight office.

But we ain't gonna be running no saloon. You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna dig us a tunnel right under the street and into the freight office,

and when the time's right, we're gonna rob it.

Y'all done plumb lost your minds.

You keep your talk down or you'll be losing something.

- And what about Uncle Finney? - Never mind Uncle Finney.

We're gonna set him free before we head off for California.

- I ain't gonna let you do it. - Now, you just hold on.

Now, number one, missy, we wouldn't leave an inch of you not turned blue.

And, number two, you better stop and think about Uncle Finney.

They hang horse thieves.

They can't hang Uncle Finney. He's too old to hang.

They hang a horse thief.

They ain't gonna make no difference account of a man's age.

That wouldn't be fair.

So you just better watch your mouth, girl.

Now, we leave for California, then we're gonna set Uncle Finney free.

But if we don't leave for California, which means you been talking to the law,

you just might be seeing Uncle Finney

just taken right up there to that hanging scaffold.

Now, you find yourself a place to stay over at the boarding house,

'cause tonight you're gonna be working in our saloon.

I ain't working in no saloon.

You do like we say or we'll leave Uncle Finney where he's at

and they'll hang him proper.

And I'll be getting a couple of licks in myself, missy.

Now, get. Go on.

- Mornin', Sam. - Mornin', Festus.

I'll take a bottle of your whiskey when you can get around to it, Sam.

All right.

So early in the morning, Festus?

Well, Miss Kitty, this... this here ain't for me.

It's... It's...

Well, it's for a prisoner we got.

Oh.

Changing jail procedure a little bit while Matt's out of town, huh?

No, ma'am, it ain't that at all. It's... It's just that...

Well, it's just that it's hard to explain, that's what it is.

Just put that on the tally book for the marshal's office, Sam.

Hey, that there for Uncle Finney?

- That's who it's for. - Just regular saloon whiskey?

Well, what kind of whiskey do you expect to come out of a saloon?

Well, dollar whiskey can't compare to what Uncle Finney's been used to.

He's been getting the finest triple-distilled,

extra special, hand-strained corn whiskey there is.

I mean, you mistreat Uncle Finney any,

he's liable to curl up his toes and quit breathing on you.

Well, since when is buying whiskey for somebody mistreating 'em?

Barkeep, you got any special whiskey for people who don't care about the price?

- Don't give... - We got some for two dollars a bottle.

- Even three. - Let me have one of them $3 bottles.

You expecting the jail to furnish $3 whiskey for a jailbird?

We're just looking out for Uncle Finney's health.

- Well, he don't... - How does it set with you, Elbert?

Passable. You better keep a good stock of this stuff.

'Cause we don't know how long Uncle Finney's gonna be in jail.

Uncle Finney'll be satisfied.

Well, I'd be satisfied myself if I was in his place.

Never seen such a pair of knotheads in all my...

- What you charging, ma'am? - Two bits a shot.

- Every third drink's on the house. - Fair enough.

You keep books?

- Huh? - I generally charge my drinks.

- We go on cash. - Oh.

Put them jugs on the shelf.

Roland Daniel... Stop that.

It ain't too late for you to change your mind about that freight office.

You's just aching to get yourself thrown back in...

You shut up. Now, get back and tend to your customers. Go on.

You do a mighty fine job of digging, brother Elbert.

Well... a man digging for gold, he don't fool around none.

Just ain't that the truth?

Get that big rock there, Elbert. Get that out and you'll make some time.

- That one? - That one.

Lift her up.

That's good. That's good. Hold her.

Mighty fine. That's good. That's good.

Now you can dig right there.

- Morning, Merry Florene. - Morning, Mr. Festus.

I was wondering if I could visit my uncle.

- It'd be about his waking time now. - Well, of course you can. Come on in.

See, I don't have to lock him up in a cell at all.

You don't never lock these doors at all?

No, ma'am.

Of course, it was Doc's idea, but I gotta agree with him.

See, this way it gives Uncle Finney a chance to stretch his legs

and kind of move round, don't you see?

So you just go ahead on now and jaw with him as long as you want to.

- I'm obliged, Mr. Festus. - You're welcome.

Mr. Festus?

What you reckon they'll do with Uncle Finney?

Oh, a little jail time, I reckon, is about all.

He ain't got much time left.

Well, a judge'll keep it in his head about Uncle Finney being so old

and that he ain't never did nothin' wrong outside of stealing that horse.

Ain't never did nothin' wrong?

Well, he ain't, has he?

No, he ain't.

Well, you hadn't ought to fret your head at all about it.

Uncle Finney? You wake up now, you hear?

Merry Florene?

Uncle Finney, we gots to talk about gettin' you out of here.

Somethin' wrong where we be?

Uncle Finney, them brothers of mine be up to mischief,

and it won't be to your advantage when you face the judge.

Might even think you be in on it.

Uncle Finney, they's digging a tunnel into the freight office

and robbing it when the time be right, they said.

Kind of take after the wrong side of the family, them nephews of mine.

Uncle Finney, I gots it figured out.

Now, you don't drink no more and maybe keep awake,

and we can be escaping from here anytime after dark

and get you hidded'd in them in hills.

Got a real good jail here.

Them hills get too nippy for these old bones.

Uncle Finney, what'd folks say you get strung up like a horse thief?

Oh, I get a might tired with all this hard thinking.

You come back in a little time, Merry Florene, talk again about it.

Uncle Finney.

Merry Florene?

It's been a spell.

It has, abouts a year.

What have you been doing with yourself since the last time I saw you?

- I've been getting myself some schooling. - You mean you've been going to school?

I've been schooling myself.

I teached myself to read this here book called the almanac,

and I found nary a word I couldn't understand, almost.

Well, that's real good, Merry Florene.

Even the spelling come kind of natural to me.

I mean, a word sounds like it is almost.

Well, I'll tell you something, there's nothing like schooling.

You ain't asked me yet how come I been going through trouble and stuff

to learn readings and writings.

Well, the same as anybody else.

I mean, the more you know about reading and writing, the better you are.

I have myself a special reason. You.

I figured to come back to Dodge more a lady

so as you wouldn't be ashamed to court me none.

If you're looking for the marshal, he's gone.

I know. I was just visiting with my Uncle Finney.

Your Uncle Finney? In jail?

- It's kind of a long story. - Now, wait a minute.

It wouldn't have something to do with those two brothers of yours, would it?

Just what are they up to now?

Nothing. I mean, they just opened up their own saloon.

Saloon?

You come by for a drink, Mr. Newly.

Bye, Mr. Newly.

A saloon?

Somebody's in front.

We ought to put up a sign that says we won't be open for business until nights.

Oh, um...

Uh... Uh, morning, Marshal.

Just figured I'd pay you boys a little visit

and see how your new business is going.

Well, we's working in the back, making it livable.

Maybe I can buy you a drink to celebrate our opening.

Well, if it's customary.

It's, uh... It's empty.

You boys find out that you're profiting with your business, are you?

Ooh.

Got the... Got the morning tingles in my leg.

Thanking you for the toast, Marshal.

Say, I haven't saw your brother around much lately.

Elbert, uh... Elbert sleeps a lot.

That there a bedroom you're building back there, is it?

Just a living place, like I said. Are you ready for a second, Marshal?

No, no more. No, I gotta get on about my business.

You come back anytime, you hear?

You come on in and you have a drink anytime, on the house.

Anytime you... Your money ain't no good here.

So you just step in...

Just anytime you wants... a free drink.

Stop in anytime.

I wanna talk to you boys.

Come on.

- I wants to talk to you boys. - Oh, you said that.

Well, lookee here.

Near about $6.

- Where'd you get that $6? - Yeah, where'd you get that?

In yonder. Y'all's making money in the saloon business.

You don't have to be robbing no freight office.

Well, you done real good, Merry Florene.

It weren't me done it. That's the way of business.

Y'all's could be respectable and earn yourself a good living.

Dynamite?

- Well, why don't you yell it louder? - Y'all's dynamiting dirt?

No, we ain't. It's for the safe in that place when we get ready.

Pop them old iron doors off like they be tin.

But dynamite'd bring the whole town running.

Y'all wouldn't have no chance of getting out of here.

Who says we're leaving?

The posse'll be out chasing their tails. We'll be back here.

They'll be looking for somebody who rode off with the money.

Now, why don't you go on and tend to your customers?

Y'all don't wanna just think about doing real good in the saloon business?

We figure we can do it better and faster.

Huh? Now, go on, get out of here.

- Go on, move. - Go on, move.

Y'all ain't never done nothin' right your whole life!

What's the matter with her?

Oh, it's that old gunsmith fella she got so sweet on.

How far you figure we be under the street?

I don't know. I ain't figured it.

It's time we did. Maybe closer than we think, the way you been burrowing.

Tell you what, Elbert, I got me a plan.

I'll go out front and stomp. You hit back with a shovel, you hear me.

- All right? - All right.

Them tingles coming morning and night now.

Maybe you ought to go and have old Doc take a look at it.

Yeah, might just do that. Thank you.

Always thought us Haggens had a batch of odd ones, but this here outfit, whew!

- Merry Florene? - Howdy, Mr. Newly.

Wait a minute. Is something wrong?

- A little something. - Is it your uncle?

Well, I can understand that.

I was talking to Festus the other day and he told me he's over 100 years old.

He is. He'll be 104 next week.

Well, just don't worry about it. They'll be letting him out soon.

Not according to Roland Daniel and Elbert Moses, they won't.

Don't pay any attention to those two.

They don't know what they're talking about. Merry Florene...

There's something I'd like to ask you.

There's a picnic this Sunday afternoon

and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.

Can't go, Mr. Newly.

I'm obliged you're asking me, but I can't go.

I got to do my chores now.

- Moses, we in trouble! - Get out!

What in tarnation happened here?

Well, what kind of streets you got in this town anyway?

Looks like you're plumb bogged down.

Well, I ain't never heard of a street falling in before.

You know, it's just pure old amazing.

Now, here's ground that's stood for no telling how long.

- Even buffalo have gone by before now. - A couple of you men, we need muscle.

- Maybe we can get the wheel out. - Just get a hold of here, you fellas.

Everybody get together.

We got it. We're gonna take care of it.

- Just dump it in there, Elbert. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't put that dirt in... Wait. Hold on, now.

Don't do that till we get it out. Wait till we get the wagon out.

Put down your shovel and get a hold here. Everybody.

Ladies, get back.

Come on, get a hold here. Let's get it out.

- Ready, Steve? - Go.

Now!

That might have been a earthquake.

Me and Elbert heard something a while ago. Sounded just like a earthquake.

We sure did. It sounded exactly like an earthquake.

We don't want nobody breaking a leg on the way to our saloon.

Me and old Daniel always kind of been like good Samaritans.

Just make sure you tap that down good, now.

If you're gonna do it, do it right.

Told you we should use some wood down there.

All right, we'll go and do it now. Let's get it finished.

Right smack in the back room.

It's gold time, Elbert Moses.

You sure got a good right arm.

- There she be. - Wonder what's all these goods?

Just things folks be sending about.

Now, where's your manners? Don't need to know what folks be sending.

- Just wanna have a little look-see. - Go on, get.

I can practically hear that money talking right through the iron.

It's saying, "California, California, California."

"You boys come ahead and just sit in the sun from now on."

- Get it under there real good. - Yeah. Right.

Let's get.

Here, here.

I figure we ain't got no more than a minute

to get in here from the back room, get that money, get back in the tunnel.

It ain't gonna take no longer before somebody come running over here.

Show me the color of money and a minute's all I need.

- It ain't locked. - Well, get it out.

There ain't nothin'.

We been impatient, brother Roland, just like Dad say.

We'll wait for a strong box, something getting signed for.

"To them who waits."

That's a Bible reading Grandpa Ellihue used to spout.

I don't think the Bible exactly apply here.

Come on, let's get this stuff back.

We gotta figure a way to fix them boards back there

so nobody'll know we cut our way in.

Let's go.

No doubt what's in that safe tonight.

Merry Florene.

Howdy, Miss Kitty.

Um, Miss Kitty, I was gonna ask you about, um...

Miss Kitty, I... I sure wish I was a little bit like you,

I mean, everything going along kind of smooth, um...

you know, and, um, kind of right and everything, and, uh...

I mean, I don't know what I mean.

You sound like you might be in some kind of trouble again.

Is it those brothers of yours?

Guess I'd better sort of take care of it myself.

If there's anything I can do to help you, you be sure to let me know.

Yes, ma'am, I sure will.

- Doc, somebody slipped this... - Yeah, I know, I know.

You got something there you want me to help you with.

I don't know why in thunder you don't learn to read and write.

- It's not that hard. - Well...

Well, it's not at all.

Of course, you first would have to prove that you're smarter than your mule,

and that might be a little difficult.

Hee, hee, hee, hee.

Mr. Feisty Breeches, it just so happens I done know what's in this here letter

and your help ain't needed.

So just go roll yourself a pill.

I will.

One of these days when I do learn how to write,

I'm gonna write you some reading

that'll just curl your old mustache.

Old billy goat.

You boys don't have to do this.

Go on and spoon with your gunsmith fella and save your advice, missy.

- What you two doing here? - You ain't taking what's ours.

It be blowing any second.

Watch that step, now.

Here, what...?

- You're supposed to be someplace else. - Where at?

- The freight office. - Freight office?

I wroted you a note saying it was gonna be robbed for sure.

I didn't wanna tell on my kinfolk, but I done it.

What was that?

- Mr. Festus. - The express office!

They be crawling back through the tunnel to the saloon.

- Tunnel? - Over to the freight office.

Much obliged.

You might as well sit down, Uncle Finney. We ain't going no place.

Get some water!

Let's go.

Get your dirty hands off our money.

I ought to blow you a week to Sunday.

What's going on there?

- Is anybody in there? - Come on!

Well, you boys sure deserve a vote of thanks,

and maybe a little reward from the freight company.

I know these two. They're the Claven boys.

- Thank you, Elbert. - Yeah.

Mr. Colvin will be happy to hear about this, you boys getting these robbers.

Come on.

We wasn't thinkin' about no reward or nothin'.

We just... we kind of keep our eyes peeled around town,

to be a help and such.

It runs in our family, you know, watch out for other folks.

Oh, yeah. Like filling in holes in the street and stuff like that?

These are the two fellas that deserve the town's thanks, Festus.

Oh, of course, Burke, they're real deserving.

Here, I'll take that.

Fact is we're fixing to have us a little talk.

Me and these two deserving fellas.

Go ahead.

It's no use, Uncle Finney. We'll all be put in jail now.

I gotta hand it to those brothers of yours, Merry Florene.

They caught these two thieves red-handed.

There ain't no law against digging tunnels.

We come up accidental in that freight office.

Digging for gold was what we was doing.

And you purt near got your grubby fingers on some too, didn't you?

- That'd be pure supposing. - You can't prove nothin'.

Oh, wait a minute, now. Get up here where I can talk to you.

Now, what have you two got to bet

against five or ten years behind jail bars

that I ain't provin' nothin'?

All right, then. I'll tell you what you're gonna do first.

You're gonna go to work and you're gonna fill up that tunnel that you dug.

And if there are a reward comin' from that freight office,

you're gonna turn that over to the school,

'cause they got theirselves a little fundraising going on right now.

You asking us to give money away?

We's brought up different.

All right, the jail's right there.

- We can talk about it. - We can talk.

All right, I'll tell you something else we'll talk about too.

That's both of you getting out of town.

And the next time you set foot in Dodge City again,

you're gonna be right back on that county work farm

where you ought to have been all the time.

Now, get! Hurry up!

Mr. Deputy...

You be a hard man.

You betcha I'm a hard man.

You set foot in this town again, I'll get on you like ugly on a ape.

- Here's to you, Uncle Finney. - Uncle Finney.

Look at that cake. Look at that.

Yeah.

You gonna blow out your candles, Uncle Finney?

Yeah.

Hold on here. Hold on. Just a minute, Uncle Finney.

Now, I tell you, I think we all ought to kind of pitch in here

and help Uncle Finney a little.

There you are!

In all the years in Dodge,

I can't remember anybody passing the hundred mark, can you, Doc?

No, I swear I can't. I can't... No, I can't.

I know somebody that's knocking at the door.

Oh, hush up.

What I wanna know is, what does a man think about, reaching 104 years of age?

- What? - Reaching 104 years of age.

- What d'you think about? - Think about?

Well, you've been places and done things

that we've only read about in the history books.

Well, young fella, I'll tell you...

what I think about.

What I think about...

Well...

What I think about is reaching 105.

- Matthew? - Hello, Festus.

- You got here just in time. - What's going on?

We got us a party going on in there. Miss Kitty, she baked the cake.

Somebody's birthday?

Uncle Finney. He ain't my uncle, but he's 104 years old today, Matthew.

And he's a horse thief.

Fact is, we owe a $50 reward on him.

What?

Well, Matthew, it's going to take a little while to tell it.

Why don't we go in yonder

and glom up on some of that cream and sugar cake before it gets all gone?

Yes, it sounds like a good idea. It also sounds like you've been having

kind of an interesting time here while I've been gone.

Well, you could say that, Matthew,

but you know me, I keep a eyeball on everything in this town.

Ain't nothin' goes...