Original subtitles

Starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Hey, Uncle Festus, come on back here!

Where you at?

- Festus! - I'll shoot your ear off!

- Wait a minute! - Now, you hold on, now!

Festus!

- Festus! - Aw, come on, now, Uncle Festus!

- Oh, come on! - Uncle Festus!

Festus, come on back here!

♪♪

- Wait a minute! - Festus, hold on!

Festus!

Festus!

- Oh! - Festus!

Great jumpin' blue-nosed mules, boy, what's wrong with your eye?

I said pink him, not squamp him!

Well, I just hit the bucket, Lambert. Lookee.

That's just what you said you was gonna do, Sweet Billy.

Hey, I think he's comin' around.

Why... now, hold on, Festus!

What in tarnation's got into you?!

You ain't a-gettin' my ear, you little scudder.

Your brother Eliab and me had us a 'greement:

one year's King's X

for him a-gittin' them very boots right there,

and me a-gittin' to keep my little hangy-down part.

And if you go to breaking a King's X,

- why, you ain't no real Haggen. - Well, simmer down, Festus.

We ain't come after your little hangy-down thing.

- You ain't? - No, of course we ain't!

Well, what's Sweet Billy a-doing with my boots, then?

Brother Eliab give 'em to me when I come of age.

He said that the women in Dodge

is plumb crazy about these boots.

Well, what's the women got to do with this?

Golly Bill, Festus,

you're thicker than you ever was.

We've came to get us a woman.

For Sweet Billy here.

That's right, Uncle Festus, and you is a-gonna help us.

♪♪

Well...

let's get started, then.

Come on, Emery.

♪♪

- Hello, Matt. - Hello, Doc, Kitty.

- Oh, when'd you get back? - Oh, just a few minutes ago.

- Didn't have any trouble, huh? - Oh, Doc,

whoever that horse thief is, he's pretty smart.

When did they get into town?

Yesterday.

You know, they almost scared Festus to death.

He thought they was back in town after his ear again.

Not the whole ear, you know.

Just the little hangy-down part.

You mean they weren't?

Apparently not. They've been thick as thieves all morning.

Sweet Billy, you're just too much of a young'un

to know this, but they's some things

that a feller has to do for hisself.

Well, I know that, Uncle Festus,

and if I had my druthers, I would.

But this here just ain't no kiss-and-foller

kind of marryin'.

- Yeah, but... - He's right, Festus.

And all the Haggens is a-lookin' to you.

Yeah, you're the onliest big city Haggen there is.

- Well, I know that... - This she-male

has got to be real special.

She's got to pass the test.

And you know there ain't no hill gal no place what can do that.

Well, we figured that you'd know more fittin' females

than any of us would, and probably...

most all of 'em personal.

You ol' scudder, you.

Well, I ain't denyin' that I know a few, but...

Few, my foot!

Ha! I bet you know every one of 'em in town.

We'd be right proud, Uncle Festus.

In fact, we decided to name the first young'un after you.

♪♪

Sweet Billy...

I always did say that you was my favorite nephew,

and I'll just be plumb proud

to find you the best she-male they is in Dodge City.

You been able to figure out what's going on back there?

Well, I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

Here, let me sweeten that up a little bit.

Doesn't hurt you if you don't swaller it, you know.

That's mighty nice of you, Festus.

I wish there was more like you.

Ah, I reckon it does get

kind of rough on you sometime, don't it?

Oh, I ain't complainin'.

I mean, after all, I've had my glory days.

But, you know, Festus,

somehow it just ain't like it used to be.

The magic is gone.

A girl gets tired.

Somehow it just don't seem

to have the... the romance that it used to.

Well, now, I can see how you'd get to feeling like that,

but... see, what a pretty lady like you ought to have

is something that's more solider,

well, something that you could hang your hat on.

Festus... you're a real deep man, real deep.

You know what I mean, like, your own shack

and some hogs and some chickens

and maybe a stove of your own.

Festus, you read my mind.

And I got me a friend that... Wait'll you see him!

Why, your eyeballs are gonna pooch right out of your head.

I'll get him. Don't move, now. I'll be...

Sweet Billy!

Billy. Billy. Move, move.

Go.

Festus.

- Ask him. - No, you ask him.

He gets sore at me.

Festus, I-I know this is none of my business,

but, uh, I wonder if you'd mind telling me

why you introduced your nephew to Lulu.

Well, it's kind of a family secret, Miss Kitty,

but, uh, you'll know quick enough

if everything works out like I figure it's a-fixin' to.

Well, I guess there ain't no use in beatin' around the bush.

- I'm stout... - Mm.

And I'm healthy and, uh, I got good teeth.

And I ain't afraid of work.

And I got a whole passel of kin that's just a-willin'

to help out if things ain't a-goin' too good.

And I'll give you good care

and my ma's wedding dress if'n

that's all right with you.

What are you talking about?

Well, ma'am, I'm... I'm asking you to marry up with me.

Marry you?

Well, you ain't a-gonna have me?

Well... it isn't that.

It's just that this is all so sudden,

- and, uh... - Oh, well,

us Haggens don't believe in wastin' no time.

Mm, yeah.

But they's just one question that I got to put to you

'fore I can make the asking official.

- A question? - Yes, ma'am.

We'll know directly.

Do I what?!

♪♪

Lambert! Emery!

- What do you suppose he said? - Well, I don't know.

I can't think of any question that anybody could ask Lulu

that would make her act like that.

- Guess she just can't do it, Uncle Festus, -Well, what...

- 'cause all I did was... - Would you stop a-yammerin' at him!

- He done did his best! - Well, this Lulu...

Just come on, Sweet Billy, let's get out of here.

His name's Sweet Billy.

He's a Haggen. He's a good worker.

Why, he can slop hogs,

he can scrape a hog cleaner than anybody that I have ever saw.

And stout as a mule.

I just know he is.

Yeah, and he's a better shot than his brother Eliab.

He can knock the eye out of a gnat at a hundred yards.

- In the dark. - Easy!

I'll just bet he can.

Well, teetotal, too.

The best men always do, Sweet Billy.

Pa? Pa?

Yeah?

Who's that boy sitting over there with Festus?

He's a Haggen.

I know that, Pa; I can tell that by looking at him.

I mean, what's his name?

Oh, I don't know. Seems like I hear'd somebody

call him Purty Billy or Sweet Billy

or something like that.

Sweet Billy?

Now, ain't that appropriate.

Sweet Billy, I'll just bet you a prime coonskin

that Pearl here is a-fixin' to go to that church social.

Well, I'd be plumb tickled to fetch you, Miss Pearl.

I'll sure be waiting.

♪♪

Should've known better than to hire a woman.

And they tell me that in those fancy Eastern restaurants,

they have all women waiters.

Twenty-seven dollars!

I know, I know, a woman's place is in the home.

Two dollars and 17 cents.

Well, that's more like it.

- It sure is, now. - Here.

You mean she can't add or read or nothin'?

She ain't got a bill right yet, so you know she can't read.

- Just hold up, knothead! - Now, wait a minute.

Now, hold on, Festus.

They just ain't a-comin' up to the Haggen measure.

- Well, maybe they ain't, but... - We done told you

- the rules, too. - I know you did, but...

You said that you knowed 'em personal.

Agreed. I said I knowed 'em personal.

Well, some of 'em I do and some of 'em,

well, I just know...

But what you fellers can't get through your noggins

is that when you're out a-sparkin' a gal like Pearl

or Lulu, why, you just ain't tail-over-the-fence interested

in whether she can read or write or not.

Well, you got to go to work and do just a little bit better

than what you been doing.

You got somethin' else in mind, Festus?

Well, of course! I got a whole heap of 'em in mind,

but, shoot, I got to get some time to narrow down the field,

cull one out.

Well, we'll stay over until tomorrow night,

and if you don't deliver by then,

we're a-gonna give you back them boots and call off the King's X.

Come on, Sweet Billy.

Purty, is she, Festus?

Well, I don't reckon nobody'd go so far

as to call the Widow Folsome purty, but still she has got...

- Well, no, she ain't purty... - How old is she?

Now hold on, Sweet Billy, there wasn't nothing said

at the meeting about her having to be no chicken.

No, no.

And a lot can be said about a woman past 20, Sweet Billy.

They've done had all that foolishness popped out of 'em.

And I'm a-faunchin' to see this one.

We Agreed that I would invest $600

at two percent per quarter.

And here you have it per annum.

Wait a minute, Widow...

We agreed! Now, in case you don't know

what the difference is between $600 at two percent per quarter

and $600 at two percent per annum,

I'll be happy to explain it to you.

Uh, just don't let us bother you none, Widow Folsome.

You won't.

Uh, I also remember that you agreed

to rent my pasture at $17 a quarter.

I don't see that down here.

Howdy.

Howdy.

I'm Sweet Billy.

I know. I-I'm Orabelle.

Orabelle?

Orabelle Beal.

That's my pappy in there.

He's gonna wallop me good

when he finds that I forgot to write down the orders

that the widow's hollering about right now.

You can write?

Yep.

- And read? - Mm-hmm.

I got me a hankering for a poke of houndstooth sweets.

Well, I know where you can get one.

Well, you'd have to show me, Orabelle.

It would pleasure me considerable...

Best houndstooth I ever ate.

Mm-hmm. Me, too.

You walking out with anybody?

Um... nope.

Are you spoke for at all?

Nope.

Your pappy ain't shook with nobody?

Mm-mm.

Me neither.

I've came to Dodge to find me a woman to marry up with.

I know.

You're Festus' nephew, ain't you?

Sure am.

And you don't liquor none.

Well, I-I could if'n I had a mind to.

Mm, I reckon you could.

Mm.

Will you marry up with me, Orabelle?

I reckon I will, Sweet Billy.

Golly Bill.

Mm, she's a mite frail for slopping hogs.

Don't appear she could cut kindling faster

than a stove could burn it.

She is plumb pretty, all right.

But I don't hardly believe

she's, uh, stout enough to be a Haggen.

Well, she's the onliest gal I'm a-fixin' to have,

and I ain't a-lookin' no more.

You sure she can read?

Well, of course she can.

She already done told you that.

Well, that's the most importantest thing, Billy,

'cause twice this summer... What you looking for?

A Bible.

Us Haggens got into a bad fix for signing papers

not saying actual what we was told they said.

- You know that! - I know that!

Here, Orabelle. Go ahead on. You show 'em.

"The, uh... the Song of Solomon.

"The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's.

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth.

For thy love is better than wine."

Is that all they are, is it?

Oh, no. Uh, "Thine oils have a goodly fragrance.

"Thy name is as oil poured forth.

"Therefore do the virgins love thee.

"Draw me; we will run after thee.

"The king hath brought me into his chambers.

"We will be glad and rejoice in thee.

"We will make mention of thy love more than of wine;

rightly do they love thee."

There.

That's real purty.

Can she do that every time?

Just as long as there's reading right there on the page.

Glory on a mountain.

Wouldn't that be purty listening in the early evening wind.

Mm! Tell 'em about it.

And she can do sums and long division, too,

just like Grandma Haggen.

- Oh. - Well, that fetches it then.

She don't look none too hearty, but she sure reads up a storm.

And if Sweet Billy's got his heart set on it,

- I'm agreein'. - Me, too!

I told you we'd find her, didn't I?

- Well, let's go get us a preacher then! - No, hear!

Whoop, whoop, just hold on now.

You ain't home now, Sweet Billy.

First thing we got to do is go and ask her papa.

Oh, my papa don't pay me any mind

when he discovered I wasn't a boy.

He says daughters is a waste.

Well, he's got a point there.

'Less'n, of course, they can read and write.

That don't make no difference.

The thing we got to do is, uh, get 'er did legal-like.

Well, then let's go get 'er did now!

Come on!

Well, son, you sure don't look like much.

Well, he can sing right pretty though.

And I'm a fair wing shot.

Is he got any worth?

I mean, does he own anything,

some land or a horse or a house?

No, nothin'.

But I'm a Haggen.

Yeah, and there's a whole passel of us, too.

Where you plannin' on taking her?

S-South a couple of three, four days.

You wouldn't be dropping in every time you get hungry,

- would you? - Oh, no, Papa.

We'll-we'll only come when you ask us to.

Well... all right.

You can have her. I'll give her to you.

And I mean it. Now, that there's a square deal

- if I ever seen one. - Deal?

Oh, Papa. I'm so happy.

Well, Orabelle, honey,

he ain't the catch of the Western world,

but anyhow you ain't gonna be an old maid.

Papa, I-I got... I got a real deep feeling for him.

If your mama'd only lived.

You know, a man don't know much about girls

and most 'specially little girls.

Papa, I was born female,

and I'm all growed up now.

You did just fine, Papa.

I can't give you nothin', honey.

I mean, if they're expecting you to have something.

Papa, you gave me everything I need.

Uh, remember the time that you were sent to that prison

and I was sent to the orphanage?

Yeah, I did give you that.

Papa, they told me how to read and write.

That's the most valuable thing.

That's how I satisfied.

That's how I won the marriage.

I'm gonna give you one more thing, honey,

a last little bit of advice.

Never...

give nothin' away.

I'll tell you, this here's the onliest way to celebrate

in Dodge City, with the marshal.

That way a feller don't get hisself poked in the pokey.

I want to offer my congratulations.

Orabelle's a good girl.

And if you ain't over a day's driving distance from Dodge,

I'll deliver the first baby for you free.

I'll furnish the baby clothes.

Well, we got the world by the tail in a downhill pull.

Pony Beal, why, where you been at?

We been waitin' to start the celebration.

I been a-waitin' up at you boys' room to finish a conversation.

Oh, what'd we forget?

About the $500.

Five hundred dol...

- $500? - Five... Wait a minute, wait a minute!

- You said that we could get married. - Mm.

I did, and you can,

just as soon as you get the $500 put up.

What in tarnation for?

Well, let's say $250 for reading

and $250 for writing,

and you get a purty good cook

and a darn good woman throwed in.

Why, you old skinflint,

I'd ought to hit you right in the mouth.

All right now. Hold on, boys. Just take it easy.

Now, I'm just askin' for a little ol' dowry.

Uh, Pony, don't you have things a little mixed up?

It's the girl that's supposed to give the dowry.

Well, it would be all right with me if she was a boy,

which she ain't.

Anyhow, I ain't giving her away to nobody unless I get a dowry.

Why, that's just plain slavery.

Agin all decency!

Now, Mr. Beal, I always thought you was a pretty nice fella.

Pony Beal, you're a larcenous old cutthroat.

Wait, if I remember correctly... And I do...

You haven't even paid me for delivering Orabelle yet.

Well, don't you worry, Doc.

You'll get your money just as soon as I collect

my $500 for giving her away.

But $500 is...

$500 and to the penny

or there ain't gonna be no Mrs. Orabelle Haggen.

Now, you boys talk it over amongst yourselves,

and you let me know your decision.

Matthew, ain't there nothing you can do about this?

I don't know what, Festus. It's his daughter.

Well?

She said she's done minded her daddy all her life

and she ain't a-fixin' to run off 'cause he told her not to.

Probably got her chained to a pump handle.

There ain't nothing for it but to carry her off.

That ain't no good, Lambert.

I already done told her we was a-willin' to do that.

Well, what'd she say?

She just cried and bellowed

and faunched and carried on

and said she didn't want to get married thataway.

Aw, fiddle.

I reckon the only thing left, to give him the $500.

Yeah, but where in the fire are we gonna get it at, Lambert?

Festus has got friends.

He could get it easy.

You talk like my foot's asleep.

Why, I ain't saw $500 in one lump

ever since the day I was born.

Ain't but one thing to do:

go to work and find us another Orabelle.

That's right and one without no pa.

No, sirree!

I already done found my Orabelle,

and I ain't a-gonna settle for no other woman.

Couldn't we just work for the money?

That's one way of gettin' it, ain't it?

That's what it is... The Haggen Hauling

and Freighting Corporation, Incorporated.

Now, Festus, how much are you figuring

to get from each one of us?

- Just $50 apiece. - $50?!

I'll pay you back in the spring at two percent interest

on my solemn sacred word.

Well, now, don't get blasphemous about it.

Oh, hush up, Doc.

Festus, what if there are any profits?

Oh, fiddle, they'll be a heap of profits,

but-but the first $500 goes to Sweet Billy

to give to Pony Beal, and then, after that,

well, we just natural split up everything in equal shares, see?

What are you going to invest?

Well, my knowing how.

Knowing the trails, knowing the mules and my friends.

Why, I got me a whole heap

of mining friends that'd pay good money

to have their supplies guaranteed through the winter.

You know, he's right.

I've heard those miners down at the stables complaining

all the time how hard it is to haul their equipment up there.

You hear that?

Festus, you've never worked at anything

for six months in your whole life,

and my advice, as your personal physician is, don't do it.

'Cause the sudden shock to your system might prove to be fatal.

All right, I know you're pulling my leg.

I thought I had me some friends.

Oh, wait a minute, Festus.

And you keep quiet!

You do have some friends.

I'll invest $50.

- You will? - Oh, for heaven's sake!

You bet I will.

There's 20... 40... 50.

Well, I guess you can count me in, Festus.

What?!

Well, it might be good for his moral fiber, Doc.

Much obliged, Matthew.

Doc?

Don't work.

Oh, wait a minute.

For heaven's sakes.

I suppose... getting caught up in an emotional flood tide here.

All right, I suppose I can rationalize this

on the grounds that...

that I'll be donating to a scientific experiment.

I didn't know you had $50.

Well, I ain't now. He's got it.

If you can wait till tomorrow,

I got two months' pay coming.

I told them knuckleheads I had me some friends.

I'll tell you this.

Them is the scroungiest batch of mule flesh

that I have ever saw.

Festus, that's the only team of work mules

anywhere in 200 miles of here.

You're just lucky that I only deal in the best.

You got my word for that.

Oh, foot!

How much?

Oh...

$40.

For...? For ten-dollar mules?!

I'll give you $20.

Festus, I reckon you didn't hear me too good.

$30 a head, and that's the very tip top.

All right, you old skinflint, $40 a head.

Never saw such a man to deal with.

Ain't a one of them scudders is worth a pinch of salt,

and you know it.

Well, thank you kindly, Mr. Beal.

- Uh-huh. - Come on, mules.

Giddap.

Papa, you-you promised that you'd try to help.

Well, I'm-a going to, honey,

when the time comes,

but this here is business, and business is always business.

You fellers tie that down good and stout

'cause this here's the important merchandise.

Well, Festus, this is the big day, huh?

Yes, siree, Matthew.

The Haggen Hauling and Freighting Corporation

is now in business.

All right, Festus, we're ready to go.

Get on, then. Let's get started.

- Bye-bye, Orabelle. - Good-bye, Sweet Billy.

We'll be back as soon as we can.

So long, Matthew.

So long. Good luck.

Giddyup, mule! Mule, mule. Get, get.

- Lambert! - Hey!

Lambert!

I'll get it. I'll get it.

You sure you ain't a-straining yourself, Festus?

Just go get the wheel on, let's get started.

All right.

Okay!

It's on.

Got 'er all done, huh?

You know something?

You boys is picking up this freighting business pretty good.

All right.

Oh.

There.

All right, all right, shake a leg, boys.

We got a heap more deliveries to make today.

Papa.

I'm mighty proud of you, honey.

You learn real good.

That's a real fine business ledger.

Clear, every balance up to date.

Yup, mighty good.

You were spying, Papa.

I'm shocked!

Here, here.

Now mind your tongue.

That don't sound like my little girl.

Why, I sure hope Daddy's little girl ain't a-changing.

Well, I might be your little girl,

but I'm gonna be Sweet Billy's wife.

And I hope you're not planning on putting any mischief to him.

Why, of course not.

I'm just happy to see

that you're going to a... a industrious family.

Come on.

They look a mite tired, don't they?

Billy, what happened?

Nothing. I'm just tired is all.

Where's Festus?

He's down to the saloon.

Saloon?!

He ain't nigh as tuckered out as we are.

Festus, you know, you're liable to prove Doc a liar yet.

You've done a fine job.

You know, I'm kind of proud of you.

Much obliged, Miss Kitty.

Hello, Festus.

I've been looking all over for you.

You got a minute?

Well, I tell you, I'd better, uh, get going,

get my horse thief on that train.

Oh, did you catch him, did you?

Well, the one I caught's in jail.

Well, if you want to talk to me, come on over and set down.

Festus, I've been a-thinking.

Seeing as how pretty soon you and me is going to be kinfolks,

I've decided to do you a great big favor.

Oh, you have?

Just what is that?

Well, sir, I've decided

to invest some money in your company.

And, uh, seeing as how you're going to be awful busy

making deliveries and everything,

I've decided to make myself available

to look after the business end of things.

Now, a feller can't possibly do no more than that, can he?

Oh, of course not.

Not if he stayed up all night a-trying, he couldn't.

Say for, uh... $100.

Let's just say "no."

Orabelle does a plumb good job of taking care of our business,

and our corporation don't need no more money.

Don't need no money?!

Well, what kind of a business are you a-running?

Boy, you worry me.

Why, every good, sound business has a need for money.

What about contingencies?

- Huh? - Contingencies.

You know what they is.

Of course I know what it is.

Well, are you covered?

I mean, adequately covered?

Our corporation is just plumb covered... up.

Oh, you're a sharp one.

I might a-knowed it.

Well, but you can never tell.

You know, in this world of high finance, you never can tell.

Anyhow, you talk it over with the boys,

and meanwhile, my offer still stands.

Miss Kitty, what's a contingency?

Well, Festus, a contingency is a possible,

but not probable, emergency.

Usually when you go into business,

you set some money aside for a contingency.

Like something you're figuring ain't gonna happen

that just could happen, huh?

That's right.

Like, uh, for instance, what's the worst possible thing

that could happen to you?

Your wagon burn up, you lose your mules.

Yeah, well, that'd do to start off with.

Don't like it none.

Last time I seed that sky,

half of Texas blowed away.

She's a-fixing to bust loose directly, I tell you that.

I don't like it, either, not being near shelter.

That grove of trees yonder...

That'll make the best camp we can find.

Pull that flap.

Did you get them mules tied up good?

Got 'em tied up tighter than Eliab's boots.

Golly Bill.

Phew.

Tore things up like a sow's bed, didn't it?

Festus! Emery! Billy!

- The mules... - What?

The mules!

Well, I don't understand it!

I tethered them right here, just right to this very rope.

Well, they ain't here now.

Uncle Festus, how would you call this?

What kind of a knot did you use to tie up our mules,

- Sweet Billy? - Oh, confound it, Lambert, you know...

Hush, hush.

- Hush! - Gonna blow away in...

Just got me a feeling

that somebody's give us a contingency.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Well, ain't nothing to do but start walking.

- Walking?! - Walking?!

It's more than 50 miles.

All the way?

Don't you want to see Orabelle again, or do you?

Come on out here, Pony.

You find him, bring him to me!

Festus!

What's-what's going on here?

Well, I'll tell you what's going on.

- Somebody stoled our mules. - Yeah!

Festus, are you all right?

I've been a danged sight better, I'll tell you that.

- Where's Pony Beal? - Pony Beal. It's Pony Beal this time.

Yeah, Pony Beal!

We're fixing to get on him like ugly on a ape.

We're going to stomp a mud hole in him and then stomp it dry.

Tear him up like a sow's bed.

- What are they talking about? - What are you talking about?

Him a-yellin' about contingencies.

I'm gonna fix his contingency for him. Where's he at?

Oh, he left town just after you did.

Big-mouthed yay-hoo, he stoled them mules,

- sure as your foot... - Just a minute.

Don't say stole, don't ever point the finger of guilt

- at anybody unless you got the proof. - Oh, hush up.

- Where's Matthew at? - Well, he went out to the Warren place,

but he'll be back in a couple of hours, and if you want

my advice, don't you do a single thing till he gets back.

- Hi, Thad. - Now, you listen, Festus, now,

- Doc is right. - What-What happened, Festus?

- Well, I'll tell you what happened. - Uh...

- They're... we... - Thad, would you, uh, uh... do me a favor?

We'll tell you all about this later. Would you go tell

- Orabelle that, uh, Billy's back in town? - Sure thing.

I'm just gonna tell you about this thing, Miss Kitty,

been pulling that ol' Shawnee switch of stealing stock

and then a-swapping it for stock that's been stolen

- someplace else, and it's... - Festus, Festus, will you relax?

Will you just relax

and come on in here and cool off with a beer?

- Did somebody say beer? - Yeah! -But...

You heard what the lady said, barkeep.

Some beers.

Sam, you take care of them.

Yes, ma'am.

Wait! All right! All right!

Just go over there to a table somewhere and sit down.

Way over there! I'll bring the beer to you.

Sam, that is one thing that a feller feels

clean down to the marrow of his bones!

And this here is just one of them things.

Well, I've been feeling that for the last 50 miles.

Sweet Billy!

You are a sight!

Festus, what have you done to him?

Orabelle, I love you plumb dear.

But I just got to ask you one question.

Where's your pa at?

Why, he's right here, son.

Glad to see you boys made it back.

Say, looks like you might've had a bit of trouble.

Ooh, you'd best run along, Orabelle.

This is a man's business.

I ain't going anywhere till I find out what's going on.

Pony, I believe that I've heared someplace

that you've been out of town.

Yeah, I've been out of town for a couple days.

Just got back this morning.

You was out getting you some stock, was you?

As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I was a-doing.

Got you some mules, I bet.

Say about these many?

Now, how did you boys know that?

Oh, I don't know.

Now, what's going on?

You just hush.

Pony, maybe you ain't heared,

but, uh, somebody stoled our mules.

Your mules?

Why, you don't say.

Well, now, ain't that sheer providence?

You boys needing a team and...

and I just happen to have one.

You know something, I just had me a feeling that you might.

Oh, now, now, they ain't a scrubby bunch

- like that last batch you got off of me. - Oh! Oh, no, no.

This here's a real team.

- Real good team. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, there's only one thing wrong, Pony.

See, we ain't got us

no contingency money.

Well, now, I know that.

But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm willing to advance your company

the money it'll take to buy them mules.

Uh-huh, $40 a head.

Oh, no! Remember our little talk?

- Price has gone up. - Oh, of course.

These mules is gonna cost you...

$75 a head.

Y-You're a-fixing to give us all that much money

just 'cause you're marrying into the Haggen family?

Well, not exactly.

Uh, say for, uh, 50% of the Haggen Hauling Company?

That's nigh onto half, ain't it?

Pony?

What have you did with Ruth?

"Ruth"?

Not yet, Emery.

Just let me peel him just one.

Not till I find out what he's did with Ruth.

What are you talking about?

- Oh...! - Get him! Get him!

Duck, Uncle Festus! I'll bring him down!

Duck! Get out of the way, Emery!

Not till I find out about Ruth!

Oh!

Gonna killed someone!

I told you not till I find out what he done with Ruth.

We lost him.

He's went to ground!

Fiddle! I can foller them tracks anyplace.

Come on.

I told you he went to ground!

E-Emery?

You get that rope over yonder.

And I'll go in and drag him out.

Well, hold on now, Lambert.

There ain't no call to get no rope.

We ain't gonna have to tie him up.

Why, he'll walk back

just as gentle as a milk pen calf.

Well, he ain't a-gonna walk one step past the first tree.

And that's all the walking Pony Beal is going to do.

Hang him?

- Yup. Hang him. - Hang him.

Wha...? You ain't got no reason to hang him!

You going agin us, Festus?

That's a Haggen law.

Them as tries to put out our lights

gets their lights put out first.

Well, I-I know it is, but...

Sweet Billy, he's a-fixing to be your daddy-in-law

if you let him live long enough.

Uncle Festus, I don't think he likes me.

Dumbbell.

Sweet Billy, you keep your eye on Festus.

He's a snikey little yay-hoo.

Emery, let's go glom

onto that mossy-horned old moose.

Hey! Uncle Festus!

Uncle Festus, you come back here!

Uncle Festus, I'll shoot!

I'll shoot! I'll shoot!

Oh...!

Darn!

Matthew?!

Matthew, they're fixing to hang old Pony Beal!

Hang him?!

Just the same as admitted it,

he-he knowed all about our mules.

Even got a team to take the place of them

he stole.

I'm telling you now he's as crooked as a dog's hind leg...

What are they doing here?

Well, they probably came back for some food and protection.

Ruth!

They have more sense than some people I could name around here.

Now, let's get going.

All right.

Get up, Ruth! Come on, come on, Matthew.

Here we go.

Oh, come on, boys!

Let me down, fellas!

You're a crazy bunch of galoots!

They got a law agin this!

He's a raunchy old scrudder, ain't he?

He's been at this now half an hour.

I'm a-getting plumb tired.

Cut me down, fellers!

What are you trying to do... hurt me?

Aw, come on, boys.

You sure we ain't left something out?

Well, this is the way it looks in them picture books.

I haven't never saw me a real hanging.

Me, neither.

And I can't even see this one!

You daggoned bunch of amateurs!

You don't even know how to hang a man proper!

Oh, yeah?

- Well! - Let me down, fellas!

You're a crazy bunch of galoots!

They got a law agin this!

Aw, come on, let me down, fellas!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa.

Pony?

Pony, you all right?

Went and opened your gravy-sopping

mouth and told him, didn't you?

You ain't no Haggen.

You done shamed us. You shamed us all!

Wait a minute! Hush up!

Who's it look like that is right there?

Your riding mule Ruth.

That's just who it is.

Them other four come back all by theirselves.

Dumbbells.

We're purely sorry, Pony.

W-We done did a-a terrible mistake.

I-I'm sure glad that you didn't take them mules.

'Cause we wouldn't want a mule thief in the family.

All right, I think you three have done

about all the damage you can do out here.

Now, I want to talk to you in town. Let's go.

Get!

And I demand that they be held

for, uh, what do you call it, uh?

Slaughter of a man... me.

- Ow, Doc! - Oh, hold still.

It's my right as a citizen.

And, Marshall, you're gonna be my chief witness.

Uh-huh. Well, that's all well and good, Pony,

except for one thing.

It's gonna take me a little while to figure out

where all this livestock's been disappearing to.

I had a little talk with that prisoner on the train.

I just had the feeling that maybe you might want

to leave town before Lambert and Emery here.

Come on, Orabelle.

We ain't gonna hang around where we're not wanted.

No, Pa, I ain't going anywhere. I'm already spoken for.

Now, look here, girl, I told you I wasn't gonna give my consent!

I don't need your consent. I just found out that I was 18.

You ain't but 17 or, uh, thereabouts.

It's not so. It says so in Doc's office, don't it, Doc?

- It's what it says. - All right, now, you two

can settle that later.

Right now, as far as you three are concerned,

I want you out of town by noon tomorrow.

Hey, I worked things out plumb good, didn't I?

I got an Orabelle for Sweet Billy!

And I got the Haggens reading and writing!

And it don't cost us no $500!

Now, hold on a minute, here!

I could make that midnight tonight, you know.