Original subtitles

Starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Evening, stranger.

Evening.

Climb down and squat.

Coffee's just about ready to pour.

I'm Jeb Crater. That's my partner, Sholo.

Stretch Morgan.

Much obliged.

I, uh... I smelled your coffee about a... about a mile back.

Well, way I figure it, a man can't go far wrong

by following his nose.

Now, me, I can always smell gold.

I been sniffing around after it most of my born life.

Ain't that coffee just about ready to pour?

I reckon.

So you got yourself a nose for gold, huh?

Like a hound dog hunting possum.

Well, you know,

hunting don't always mean finding.

Son, you're looking at a man

who's just done a right smart job of finding.

Yeah? Made yourself a pretty big strike, did you?

Strike? We got us a sack of nuggets

you couldn't hardly lift with both hands.

Sholo and me struck a pocket so rich,

it like to bug the eyes right out of our heads.

You don't say.

You just follow us into Dodge City and watch us spend it.

Pretty good idea.

I was, uh... was headed for Dodge myself anyway,

more or less.

Well, you ain't a-goin' with us.

Sholo!

Well, you hadn't ought to told him about it.

Stranger just coming in here from nowheres.

How do you know what kind of notions he's gonna get?

You gone plumb out of your mind, Sholo?

What do you mean talking to me like that?

I'm sorry, Mr. Jeb.

I didn't mean no offense.

It's just that part of that there gold's mine.

Course it is.

And you're gonna get it, too.

If he don't get it first.

This man's our guest. What do you mean...

Now, wait. He's right.

You shouldn't ought to have told me about the gold.

See? Never can tell

what's gonna happen, can you?

Uh-uh. Don't go for it.

Now, what you ought to have done was hired yourself a bodyguard.

Well, that's one of the things he's supposed to be.

Yeah?

He handled that rifle just like it was a plow handle.

You got the cards, mister.

What you aiming to do?

Finish my coffee.

Put that gun away.

You want a job?

Bodyguard?

I got me a lot of friends in Dodge City,

but they ain't all my friends.

All right, I'll do it.

But just for grub and drinks, mind you.

That word "job," I don't like that.

Makes me just about as skittish as a filly in fly time.

All right then.

It's grub and drinks.

And a... and a new hat, maybe, and a pair of boots.

You just string along with me, son,

and you'll be living high on the hog.

That's just the way I like to live.

♪♪

Hey, that's old Jeb.

By golly it is.

He ain't been in town in six months or more.

Hey, Jeb!

- Howdy, Feeter, Milty. - Hi.

You're looking as mean as ever, both of you.

Well, at least we don't look scroungy.

That's right.

When's the last time you had a bath, Jeb?

I don't rightly recollect.

But I'm gonna have me one in about an hour.

That is, if somebody didn't burn down that old shack of mine.

It was still standing a week ago, Jeb.

Yeah, still lopsided, same as it always was.

Lopsided don't mean nothing.

I stand a mite that way myself.

Maybe it's because of what I'm packin' here.

Oh, we've heard that story before, Jeb.

Well, you just wait till you see some of the nuggets I got here.

That loud-talking mouth of yours

will water all over your shirtfront.

I ain't exaggeratin', Feeter. We really did it this time.

Well, howdy, Jeb.

Howdy, Festus, Marshal.

Well, Jeb, did you make a strike?

I sure did, Marshal.

In spite of...

what these hee-hawing jackasses might think.

I knowed you'd strike her, Jeb,

if you just kept a-diggin' long enough.

We done her, all right.

I reckon right now Sholo and me is the richest people in Kansas.

Well, now, Jeb, you'd better get it on down to the bank.

I think Jason's planning to close up early

and go quail hunting.

I ain't puttin' this in no bank.

Why ain't you?

'Cause I don't trust 'em, that's why not.

Now, Jeb, listen here.

You know Jason's an honest man.

Not only that, but that gold will be a lot safer in the bank

than it is out here packing around with you.

Well, don't you trouble yourself, Marshal.

I got me a bodyguard.

You got you a what?

A bodyguard.

Stretch, come on up here.

This here is Stretch Morgan.

Stretch, I want you to meet Festus Haggen,

the biggest liar west of the Mississippi.

And this here is Marshal Dillon,

the only law in 100 miles.

Howdy.

How do?

You're old Jeb's bodyguard, huh?

Well, not exactly.

More like a friend's the way I'd put it.

Don't worry.

I'd take a hand, though, if somebody tried to hustle him.

Well, there probably won't be any need for that,

but I still say your gold's safer in the bank, Jeb.

Stretch here is better than a bank, Marshal.

You ought to see him draw that gun of his.

Well, let's just hope he doesn't have any need to.

Don't you worry, Marshal.

Ain't nothing gonna happen to me.

How could it?

With all my friends around me here.

Listen, folks!

Y'all come back here tonight to the Long Branch Saloon,

every one of you, 'cause I'm throwing the doggonedest shindig

you ever seen, and you all got a invite, you hear me now?

See you there, Jeb.

We're gonna have us a shindig

that folks will talk about

till the prairie dogs finally bury this miserable old town.

Yes, sir!

I'm gonna pretty myself up now.

I'll see you all back here, later.

You reckon old Jeb really has got all that gold, Matthew?

Well, he may have it, Festus,

but I doubt he's gonna have it long,

if he keeps shouting around town about it like that.

Sholo, come on!

All right, boys... let her rip.

Ah... Yippee!

Yowee! Ha!

I ain't never been this clean

since the time I almost married the Widow McClintock.

Hey, give me my towel, boys.

Aw, I ain't one to agree with them that says

bathing saps a man's natural vitality and ruins his health,

not if you don't overdo it, that is.

Well, once every six months

ain't exactly overdoing it, you know.

That's precisely the right time.

By then a man's dirty enough

so's he can really appreciate it.

Hey, give me that horse blanket of mine

'fore I catch my death of galloping consumption.

Ooh, yeah.

Goldurn, if I don't feel 100% better.

You gonna get yourself a bath here?

Hmph!

Baths is for foreigners and sinners,

not meaning you, of course, Mr. Jeb.

Well, why not? I'm a sinner,

and I'm gonna be a bigger one, now that I can afford it.

Sholo, go in the shack

and drag out them go-to-meeting duds of mine.

- Yes, sir. - And brush 'em up.

I'm going whole hog on this.

Hey.

Give me a hand here.

There's three more in there.

Grab 'em and come on.

Here, throw 'em in there.

Hurry.

You told me you and him had been partners... for 20 years.

What's the matter? Don't you trust him?

Trust him?

I'd trust him with my life.

I done it, in fact, a time or two.

Yeah, but you don't trust him with the gold, is that it?

No, that ain't it.

But, listen, son,

there'll be a lot of liquor flowing tonight,

and Sholo just can't handle it.

What you mean?

Well, he goes clean off his head.

You never know whether he's gonna get mean or mouthy

or sad or just go to sleep.

And you're afraid he might tell somebody

where the gold's hid, huh?

He could shout it from the rooftops

and never even recollect it.

So it's best not to set temptation to him.

That's a good idea for anybody, Jeb.

Sholo!

What in tarnation you doing in there?

Why, I was just a-brushin' up your clothes, like you told me.

They ain't in too good a shape, though.

There's a whole lot of bugs come a-flyin' out of 'em.

Moths ain't bugs... They's insects.

And Dodge City ain't "St. Louie."

That old suit of mine will do just fine.

Now come on over here and whittle off

some of these whiskers for me.

Give me that looking glass so's I can keep a check on you.

All right, now start trimming.

Well, I don't exactly know how.

Well, it's just like shearing a sheep,

only you don't cut him so close.

I ain't no sheep man.

I never was, and don't you say it.

You're right, Sholo. 'Fore I took you on,

you'd always been a cattle thief.

Come on now, start cuttin'.

Just get the long ones there.

Just even it up, just a mite.

I got to look good for Miss Kitty.

I ain't seen her in eight months.

I might even marry the gal.

Brethren and sistren,

I'm gonna shine tonight.

Yahoo!

Friends, Romans and scroungers in general, drink hearty.

Starting right now, everything is on old Jeb.

So, let the festivities commence.

Miss Kitty, every time I hit town,

you just seem to get prettier and prettier.

Thank you, Jeb.

All the time I was out in them hills slaving away,

shoveling gravel, toting water,

starving, sweating in that blazing sun,

the only thing I ever thought about was you, Miss Kitty.

Well, now, that's mighty sweet of you, Jeb.

But, you know, what I'm really interested in finding out about

is, um, this party I hear you're going to have in here tonight.

I bet you're wondering if I can pay for it.

Well, it's liable to be a goodly sum.

You rest your soul, Miss Kitty.

There's the wherewithal.

Mmm! -Oh!

Sam, let's weigh this up.

Is-is that real gold?

Well, of course it's real gold, son.

Ain't you never seen gold before?

Oh, no, I...

I ought to introduce you two.

Jeb, this is Clayton Thaddeus Greenwood.

And Thad, this is Jeb Crater.

- Hi. - Pleased to meet you, son.

You're invited to the party.

Oh, thank you kindly, but I...

Well, I don't know how much is in that poke, but I figure

there's enough there to pay

for all the whiskey they can drink, and you, too.

Now, just a minute, Jeb.

It's not the whiskey I'm worried about.

After midnight, they start breaking up all the furniture.

Well, if that ain't enough,

I got a lot more hid away in a real safe place.

Don't you worry your pretty head, Miss Kitty.

I make it out $420.

Well, you're right, Jeb.

That ought to take care of everything,

including the furniture.

Yippee! Set 'em up.

Serve 'em, Sam.

Rudy?

All right, fellas, just step right up

and help yourselves here.

Hey, Cousin Morgan?

Hey, Cousin Morgan?

Don't you know me?

Well, I'm afraid you got the advantage of me, stranger.

Aren't you Stretch Morgan,

of the Caddo County Morgans, up in Oklahoma?

Yeah, that's right, but, uh,

I can't quite put a handle on you.

Well, I'm Thaddeus Greenwood.

Why, you're Sheriff Greenwood's kid.

You-you that young fella used to follow me around everywhere?

That's right.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

You know, I wouldn't knowed you in a million years.

Why, you were... you were a head shorter than me.

Well, I kind of shot up all of a sudden... right.

Yeah, I'll say you did.

All right, now, hold it down a minute.

Old Jeb... Old Jeb wants everybody to dance

and have some fun, and this is his party.

Let's do it. Get away from the bar there.

That's it. Need another girl here.

Okay, honey, all right, now, we're all set.

All right, let's go.

♪ Well, y'all join hands and circle to the south ♪

♪ And you let a little sunshine in your mouth ♪

♪ Halfway around you backtrack back ♪

♪ Single file, Indian style, with the lady in the lead ♪

♪ Now you're home and everybody's waiting ♪

♪ And they whirl ♪

♪ Round and round with a pretty little girl ♪

♪ Allemande left with the old left hand ♪

♪ Right your honey on the right, left grand ♪

♪ Big foot up and the little foot down ♪

♪ Make that big foot jar the ground ♪

♪ Meet your honey and you pat her on the head ♪

♪ She don't like biscuits, just cornbread ♪

♪ Now you're home ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting, whirling round and round ♪

♪ With a pretty little girl ♪

♪ First in turn, then you bow to the right ♪

♪ Circle of four in the middle of the floor ♪

♪ Round and round and round you go... ♪

Why do I get the feeling that you two know each other?

Probably because we grew up together.

Of course I used to be quite a bit younger than he is.

But he used to take me fishing and hunting, and...

just sure is good to see you, Stretch.

Aren't you going to introduce me to this lady?

Oh, sure.

Uh... Miss Kitty,

this is Stretch Morgan, cousin of mine from Oklahoma.

How do you do, Stretch? I'm real happy to meet you.

Great pleasure.

And Stretch, this here is Miss Kitty Russell.

She owns this place.

That's, uh... that's wonderful.

Oh, come on, let's go talk someplace, over here.

Can't we talk later?

Oh, come on!

We got five years to catch up with.

I'll be back.

Promenade her!

♪ You know where and I don't care ♪

♪ You get that gal to an easy chair. ♪

I just don't understand

how an old goat like you has so much luck.

Luck is what a man makes it,

and I've been working for years to make mine.

Hey, Doc, come on over here.

Doc, if you ain't the best doggone caller I ever heard.

Well, I tell you, there's nothing like a square dance

to kind of stir things up, is there?

That's right. Another one, Sholo?

No!

Going home.

What in thunder's the matter with him?

The older he gets, the grumpier he gets.

He's just like a ol' hound dog.

All he wants to do is lay by the fire and sleep or growl.

Jeb, here's to your very good luck.

That's just what I told him it was... luck!

- Right. - All right, then, it's luck.

So... here's to luck, boys,

the goldurndest, luckiest night old Jeb ever had.

I'm out.

I ain't even got a pair.

Boys, I've had me a night.

I'm going home.

I'll be right with you, Jeb.

No, forget it, son. You stay in the game.

I don't need a nurse.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

This game's only going to have two more hands,

'cause I'm closing up.

Sun's going to be all the way up in another hour.

By golly, if you ain't right.

Miss Kitty, I want to thank you for all your kindness.

I'm coming back tomorrow and marry you.

It's already tomorrow.

Well, then, make it the next day.

All right, I'll be right here waiting for you.

You sure you can get home all right?

You'll never see the day I can't.

- Night, Miss Kitty. - Good morning, Jeb.

Been the luckiest, happiest day of my whole goldurned life.

Oh, by the way, Jeb,

you've, uh, got some credit left.

Not much, but some.

Fine.

Buy yourself a wedding gown.

♪ Get along home, Old Joe Clark ♪

Ah.

♪ Get along home, I say ♪

♪ Get along home, Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ I'll see you another day ♪

♪ Get along home, Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ Get along home, I say ♪

♪ Get along home, Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ I'll see you another day... ♪

Marshal! Marshal!

Open... open, Marshall!

- What is it? - You-you come... Mr. Jeb...!

- Hurry! - What's the matter with him?

I think...

I-I think he's dead.

Be right with you.

Poor old Jeb.

Looks like his biggest night on earth might have been his last.

How bad do you think he is?

You know, it's hard to tell.

I don't really know, but it's amazing.

A blow on the head like that

would have killed an ordinary man his age,

but old Jeb... he's pretty tough.

Easy, Jeb. Easy.

Jeb? Jeb, can you hear me? It's Matt Dillon.

Marshal.

Jeb, what happened here? Who did this to you?

Couldn't see. Couldn't see!

From... behind. I...

Well, afraid he's not going to be much help

to you for a while, Matt.

No... no, I'm afraid not.

Matt, I'd like to get him out in the buggy

as soon as we can and get him into Dodge.

Want to bed him down in my back room

so I can kind of keep an eye on him.

All right, fine.

You think whoever did this got the gold?

I don't know, Doc.

You talked to Sholo about this?

Oh, yeah, from all the sense he made,

you'd think he'd been hit on the head, too.

Sholo, he going to be all right.

He... he ain't a-gonna die?

No. Doc said he'd be laid up for a few days,

but he'll come out of it all right.

I'm mighty glad for that, Marshal.

Sholo, how'd this happen?

20 years me and him been together.

More than 20 maybe.

Yes, I can imagine it's been quite a shock for you.

I always knowed when he wanted something done,

without him even telling me.

He said I know it by a kind of... of...

well, like a dog knows something.

You know, when me and him was working the claim,

he didn't talk to me, sometime, for maybe a week.

Then when I'd say something, he didn't even listen.

Course there wasn't no reason for him to.

I... I never said nothing important in my whole life.

And when I did talk, it always come out wrong.

People'd start a-laughin' at me.

But not him.

He never laughed at me, Marshal.

He's the greatest man in the world.

Yes, he's a fine fellow, Sholo.

Tell me, now. I want to know what happened.

I don't know. I was asleep.

Asleep?

Yeah. It was the liquor, Marshal.

I come out here early last night,

and crawled in that there wagon.

That's the last thing I remember.

You didn't hear Jeb come in?

I didn't hear nothin' till about dawn.

Then something woke me up, and...

I don't rightly remember what it was, and...

then I went in there to see if Mr. Jeb got back

from town all right, and...

I seen him a-lyin' there on the floor.

I thought he was dead.

I knowed I had to get help quick.

Well, do you know if his gold was taken?

Huh?

Well, the gold he had left, he said he had it hidden

in a safe place... Where was that?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I'm a-tellin' you the truth, Marshal... I don't know.

Him and Stretch hid it somewheres,

and he didn't tell me where...

It was Stretch!

Stretch did what?

That woke me up!

I heard a horse...

and I woke up...

and I seen him a-riding into town there.

You sure of that?

I swear it.

Oh, I knowed all along he wasn't no good.

You find Stretch Morgan, you'll find the one that done it,

I'm telling you.

All right, you help Doc here.

♪♪

Who's there?

I just wanted to be sure you were alone

when you opened up this morning.

How'd you get in here?

I busted the catch on your back door.

I'm sorry about that, Thad... I just didn't have no choice.

I thought you were staying out at the old man's place.

He's dead.

What do you mean?

It wasn't me.

And don't you go getting the wrong idea.

I found him that way.

I rode out after the poker game this morning.

He was... he was lying on the floor of the shack there

with his head all bashed in.

You told the marshal, I reckon.

He knows, all right.

I saw him riding out there, hell for leather.

Doc Adams, too.

You mean you didn't tell him?

Thad, who do you figure they gonna think did it?

You didn't do it, did you, Stretch?

See? When you got to ask that,

what's everybody else gonna say?

Well, I wasn't really asking.

I know you're not a killer.

Thanks.

You know, I'm, uh, I'm sorry

to be shoving my problems off on you this way.

I just didn't have anybody else to turn to.

That's all right.

That's what friends are for.

Then we're still friends?

Sure.

I mean, I'd be a fine one to go turn my back on my own cousin,

just 'cause he's in trouble.

I appreciate that.

Look, I'd, uh, I'd kind of like

to stay here for a couple of days,

that is, until I can find a way to get out of town.

Well, the marshal will be over here sooner or later.

He's bound to find out that we know each other.

But I'll think of something, though.

You know, I bet the guy who done it

killed him for that gold.

Oh, there's no doubt about that.

When I got there, the place was pretty torn up.

You know, I was thinking.

It might have been that partner of his.

He was in a real mean mood last night.

But then... he would have known where the gold was.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure he did.

He's the only one who did know...

Except for old Jeb, of course.

Hello, Kitty.

You're late.

Late for what?

The hoedown. The resurrection.

Lazarus has risen.

And he's holding forth in there

like the high king of Baghdad.

Listen to that.

I could get more work done in a boiler factory.

Jeb's feeling better, huh?

Better?

He claims that blow on his head

cured his rheumatism and improved his eyesight.

I'm seriously thinking about using it

on a couple of other patients I know of.

Can I go in and see him?

I don't know why not.

Half the town's in there.

I'm thinking about selling tickets.

And that, so help me,

is all I can recollect, Marshal.

I-I-I walked in

and there was the room, all tore up,

and the stones in front of the fireplace pried out.

That's where I had my gold hid.

And then, suddenly, I was hit from behind, whack!

And it was goodbye, Nellie.

You never saw who hit you.

Not a peep.

I didn't see nothing,

smell nothing, hear nothing.

Miss Kitty!

How are you, Jeb?

Teetotally recovered, now that you're here.

You come to marry me on my deathbed?

You don't look any deader than I do.

Well, if you do say yes,

I know it won't be because of my money,

'cause I ain't got none.

I'm sure sorry about that, Jeb.

Jeb, I'll look in on you later.

You take care now.

Well, let Doc take care.

That's his job.

Kitty, could I see you for just a minute?

- Oh. - Festus,

could I have just another little spot?

Well, of course you can.

Talking makes a man feel dry.

Like I told you, Jeb,

it won't hurt you none if you don't swallow it.

Kitty, what time did Stretch Morgan

leave the Long Branch last night?

Oh, it was when the poker game broke up, I guess.

It was after Jeb left.

You don't think that he had...

No, no, I just wanted to talk to him

and I haven't been able to find him.

Well, maybe he left town.

No, I don't think so.

His horse is still over at the livery stable.

How do you know that?

Well, because I checked.

Oh.

Well, have you, um...

have you talked to Thad?

No, I haven't been able to find him, either.

What's going on around here?

Well, um, Thad and Stretch Morgan are cousins,

and apparently, they were boyhood pals.

Now, there's the possibility

that Thad's trying to avoid you.

Have a beer, Miss Kitty?

Um, yeah, I... I think I will.

Thank you.

Festus.

I want you to do something for me.

I think maybe you can do it a little better than I can.

You know, Miss Kitty,

now that these old eyeballs

have kind of perked up and taken a new lease on life,

you look even better than you did before.

Well, thank you.

I think you're beautiful, too.

Beautiful! That mangy old hound?

Shut your hee-hawing, Feeter.

Nobody contradicts a lady

while old Jeb got a leg to stand on.

They're just jealous.

Durned if I know why.

A man that's teetotally broke,

busted and disgusted...

chicken yesterday, feathers today...

You know, I got to thinking, uh...

I don't think you're totally wiped out.

I brought you something.

Well, what's this?

It's the gold you paid me last night.

The party was on me.

Well, no, I can't take this, Miss Kitty.

Now, we're not gonna talk any more about it.

No, I-I don't...

Forget it.

Besides, it... it might help you get started again.

And you don't have to worry about me.

I'll get it back.

All right!

Come on, boys!

Let's all chip in and help old Jeb, here,

- bury his problems. - Yeah. -That's right.

- You, Feeter? - Yeah, me.

Now, it don't matter how I talk to you.

Deep down, I got a real fondness for you,

you scroungy old goat, you.

A lot of folks do.

We could take up a collection around town.

I bet we could raise a real stake for him.

- Yeah. - Why, that's right.

Now, you gave us the best party this town has ever seen,

and it's about time we all came through for you.

- Why, sure. - All right, it's all settled.

Now, we'll split up

- Get out! - And get all the businessmen...

All of you!

It's been pretty near 40 years

since anybody's seen me cry.

And I ain't gonna break that record.

Now, git.

It's Festus. It's Festus.

Howdy, Thad.

Morning, Festus.

How are you this morning?

Oh, fair to middling, I reckon.

How's yourself?

Oh, I'm-I'm just fine.

Real fine.

Say, uh, Thad, you ain't by any chance

saw Stretch Morgan this morning, have you?

Stretch?

Yeah, I heared the two of you's old friends.

How come you're looking for him?

Matthew wants to talk to him, is all.

Oh.

Well, he was working for old Jeb Crater.

But I don't suppose you could have talked to him.

Yeah, I did.

Fact is, I seen him just a couple minutes ago.

But he ain't saw Stretch since last night.

A couple of minutes ago?

You mean he's alive?

He ain't dead?

Dead? Well, golly Bill, no.

He got thumped on the head and robbed this morning,

but he's a long ways from being dead.

It's just that Stretch ain't been saw since then.

Stretch wouldn't do anything like that.

I know he wouldn't.

Yeah, well.

If you should happen to see him,

why, you tell him that Matthew's looking for him, will you?

See you directly.

Hey, did you hear?

Yeah, I heard.

Old Jeb's alive and doing fine.

You ain't wanted for murder.

The marshal just wants to talk to you.

Sure he does.

Thinks I knocked that old man in the head and took his gold.

Still number one on his list, Thad.

Yeah, but if you went in on your own and explained it to him...

I got to see him.

Good. I know he'll believe you.

Not the marshal.

I got to talk to that crazy old liar.

There's something the matter here.

I don't know what it is, but I aim to find out.

I'll see you later, Thad, if I'm lucky.

Confound it, Doc, I don't need no bandage.

Oh, hush up. I know you don't need a bandage.

Just... Just got to keep your brains from falling out.

Yeah, well, don't you worry about my brains.

- I got brains to spare. - Yeah.

Well, it wouldn't hurt if you'd use 'em once in a while.

No, you don't. You just stay right where you are, there.

You're not going anywhere.

For all I know you may have a fractured skull.

The man ain't been born can break my skull.

I've had too much practice banging it against stone walls.

Well, I always wondered what in thunder addled you, Jeb.

You stay where you are, I'll drop in on you this evening.

Meantime, Sholo, you just keep an eye on him.

Yes, sir.

And if he gives you any trouble, just hit him over the head.

He says it don't hurt him at all.

Oh, no, I ain't gonna do nothin' like that, Mr. Doc.

No, sir.

Well, suit yourself. You got my permission.

Bring that over here, Sholo.

I just want to feel the heft of it again.

Mr. Feeter says there's pretty near $700 here.

Who'd have figured it?

Sholo, the Almighty moves in mysterious ways

to perform his pranks on us struggling mortals.

- I reckon. - Say, Sholo,

you take that over to the bank. I ain't taking any chances.

- All right, sir. - And get my suit out of the clothes press

and take it down to Lin Fong's

and have it brushed up and pressed.

And have him boil my shirt and iron it.

Tell him chop, chop, I want 'em back in an hour.

What are you figurin' on doin'?

I'm figurin' on dragging these old bones of mine

out of this bed and standing up by my feet,

if you want to know.

- But the doc says you... - Oh, Doc in a pig's eye!

Jeb Crater wasn't born to waste his life laying on his back.

I'm gonna go out there and greet all my well-wishers

and thank 'em for their magnanimous gesture,

bless their little hearts.

Now, you get going.

Go on, move.

Jeb, you may be a blackhearted old sinner,

but darned if you ain't got the luck of a saint.

♪♪

What in tarnation you doing here?

Standing here, looking at you.

I figured you'd rode on out.

Ain't nobody seen you around.

Yeah, I reckon that's what a lot of people figure,

on account of, if they had seen me,

I'd be in jail right now

for robbing you and knocking you in the head.

Son...

I didn't accuse you of doin' that.

Well, somebody must have,

on account of the marshal's looking for me.

Well, then...

I'll just tell him I-I know it wasn't you,

and then that'll put a stop to it

and-and then...

you can ride on out in peace.

How can you tell him you know?

The way I hear it, you didn't see who hit you.

True, true.

But I know you, son.

It don't take me long to size up a man.

And I know you're just as honest as the day is long.

Well, that's-that's real nice of you to say so.

Well, it's only fittin'.

Seeing as how it's the truth.

You mean you're sure I didn't pry up those stones

by your fireplace and steal the gold that was underneath?

Did the marshal say that?

The marshal said you said it.

I got to sit down.

Appears like I ain't rightly got all my strength back yet.

Well, now, listen here, Jeb.

You and I both know there wasn't no gold

underneath those stones, right?

My poor head.

It's spinning like a windmill.

Well, it sure started spinning awful fast.

Seems I-I can't rightly recollect things so well

since I got hit on the head and pretty near killed.

Well, maybe you can't but I can.

Doc figures I-I got a real bad skull fracture.

Jeb, listen, you and I both know where the gold was hid

because we put it there ourselves.

It was by the pump.

I ain't even supposed to try to think.

Not for a week or maybe...

Did you say "was" by the pump?

That's right.

When I came in there and saw you lying on the floor,

I thought you was dead.

That's enough, son.

Don't you say another word.

I-I am an old sinner, boy,

and I'm full of forgiveness.

I-I know just what temptation can do to a man.

Now, I ain't one to stand idly by

and see a young fella's life ruined by-by one mistake.

So... say no more.

You just... get your horse and any other of your belongings

and you just ride on out of here.

Ride as far and as fast as you can.

You must have really got hit on the head.

Ride, son. Now.

All right. All right.

It's your funeral.

It's the least I can do.

And all the best of the luck in the world to you.

Stretch.

Easy.

Marshal, listen, I know it looks bad for me,

but you got the wrong man.

I didn't do nothing to old Jeb.

I found him that way. I...

Save it. You'll have plenty of chance to explain.

Get your loot out of there.

Howdy, Marshal.

I found him down at the Long Branch

with old Milty and Feeter.

What in the dickens you doing here?

He told me to.

Sit down, Jeb. Sit down.

What you been a-tellin' him?

I ain't been a-tellin' him nothin', Mr. Jeb.

He didn't ask me nothin'.

He just told me to set right here in this chair

until Mr. Festus brung you back or he'd hang me up by my ears.

So I been a-settin'.

Mmm.

Go on and sit down, Stretch.

Well...

it looks to me as though I got three criminals on my hands,

but, as yet, I don't have any crime.

Marshal, I hope I ain't understanding you correctly.

You understand me all right, Jeb.

Festus.

We got your gold back for you, all right,

and looks like your friend Stretch here

is the one that stole it from you.

Oh, I... oh, I can't believe that, Marshal.

Must be some mistake.

I'd trust this young fellow with everything I own.

Maybe he was just holding it for me till I got back on my feet.

I ain't pressin' no charges.

I'll just take my property and call it quits.

You don't mind that he hit you over the head?

Well, bygones is bygones.

No hard feelings.

Maybe I-I-I just slipped and fell.

Hey, you see, Marshal? I told you I didn't hit him.

- I found him that way. - Sure, that's it.

Jeb...

Yes?

It ain't no use.

Matthew's done looked inside of them pokes.

That's-that's nothing but iron pyrite.

Fool's gold.

Son...

you never spoke truer words.

And you're lookin' at the fool.

Jeb, the $420 you gave Kitty to pay for the party,

that was your entire strike, wasn't it?

Marshal, I just couldn't face coming back to town again.

After eight months of hard work with...

hardly nothing to show for it.

I wanted folks to think I struck it big for once.

You danged sure done that, all right.

Who was it hit you over the head?

That goldurned fool there.

And pretty near killed me doing it.

Mr. Jeb,

when I seen you lying there, I-I could've bawled.

I just wanted to break my right arm off and throw it away.

Well... weren't your fault.

You only done what I told you to.

See, Marshal, I figured if we... if we made up a robbery,

you know, folks would still think we struck it rich,

even if we lost it all.

I didn't know that Stretch was gonna make off with that pyrite.

I didn't know the town was gonna take up that collection.

It's just that... nothing went right.

Well, Marshal, I-I reckon you'd better just throw me in jail.

Yeah, that's exactly what I ought to do,

except I can't seem to think up any charges that make any sense.

I-I'll give all that money back.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

Now, the people around this town have been real good to you, Jeb.

They've treated you mighty fair and square,

and when they find out what's really happened,

they're gonna be mad.

Probably have my hands full keeping 'em from lynching you.

I think we'd better just leave that sleeping dog lie.

- Well, what about me? - Well, that's another thing.

I don't know what to charge you with either.

You haven't stolen anything that was worth anything.

Besides, we wouldn't want a nice young fella like old Thad

to know that his own blood cousin

was a sticky-fingered thief.

Well, Marshal,

what are you gonna do?

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do, Jeb.

If you promise to get out of town right now,

without letting anybody else know about this,

I'll let you go.

All of you.

Thank you, Marshal.

Jeb, you got yourself a good grubstake.

Now, why don't you go on out and find some real gold?

By golly, I'll do it.

You know that ridge just over the second valley?

I got me a hunch about that.

Jeb, uh, you want to take on your old bodyguard

as a new partner?

Why not?

If you don't already know how to swing a pick, you can learn.

I don't trust him, Mr. Jeb.

Now, Sholo,

at my age, I don't even trust me.

He's got a strong back and a weak mind and evil instincts.

A man like that can't be all bad.

Come on, before the marshal changes his mind.

I'll bring you a nugget as big as your fist,

you and Festus both.

Matthew, you reckon you done right,

lettin' the three of 'em go like that?

I don't know, Festus.

I'll tell you one thing.

I wouldn't go into any courtroom in the world

and try and straighten out that story.

Here...

have yourself a fortune.