Original subtitles

Starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Catch anything yet?

No, not yet.

I seen by the look on your face you was just lazin' it,

or I wouldn't have come thrashing up on you

the way I done.

Yeah.

Why don't you, uh...

sit down and, uh, rest a spell?

Thank you kindly. Don't mind if I do.

My name's Eliab Haggen, what's your'n?

I know a Haggen in Dodge.

Name of Festus?

Yeah.

I'll bet he's kin of yours.

Uncle Festus, brother to my daddy, Zetham Haggen.

I knowed I was gettin' close to finding him.

That's how come I got my foot bent.

Well, uh, how would getting close to your Uncle Festus

get your foot bent?

It was the grouse hen that done it.

Grouse hen?

Uncle Festus is partial to grouse hen

cooked Haggen-style.

I knowed I was close,

but didn't know if I was close enough.

Close enough for what?

Close enough to keep a killed grouse hen

from going bad in this hot weather.

So I had to run her down.

- You mean on foot? - Yeah.

She run straight for a spell,

but when she got tuckered out, she took to trickin'.

And just when I reached for her, she done a dido,

and that's when I got my foot bent.

Did you catch her?

All but some feathers.

Well...

you must be right fond of your uncle

to chase a grouse hen like this all across the prairie.

The good King David couldn't have been a better uncle.

Well, he give me my very first shootin' iron, Festus did.

How's his health?

Oh, fine.

If there's one thing your Uncle Festus

has got a lot of, it's health.

Haggens generally run to good health.

Why, far as I know, there's only been one sickly Haggen.

Oh?

Half Cousin Ace.

Oh, well, just a half cousin.

Yeah, and poor old half cousin Ace

has been sickly for nearly 70 years.

Has Uncle Festus still got his right ear on?

Have some.

Uh, no, thank you.

What'd you say about his ear?

Has he still got it on?

Well, as far as I know.

Is there supposed to be something the matter with it?

Oh, I do hope not.

Well, don't you think that's kind of a funny thing to ask?

Well, I expect it is.

It's just that...

well, I come all this way to shoot it off.

Shoot it off?

Well, that ain't the whole truth of it.

Well, I didn't think so.

Truth of it is,

I'm just gonna knock off this little hangy-down part.

- Why? - Why?

I mean, why are you gonna

shoot off the little hangy-down part?

'Cause I was gonna do it all along.

I know, but why?

Well, how'd you like to go through life

seeing your daddy hoorahed all the time

'cause he didn't have no little hangy-down part on his ear?

Oh, you mean your Uncle Festus did the same...

Bit it slap off in a fight over a gal.

And she turned out to be your mother.

No, she married Uncle Obadiah.

Yeah.

Well, this is, uh, one reunion I don't want to miss.

I'll tell you what, uh... here.

Why don't we, uh, ride into Dodge together

and I'll have, uh, Doc Adams

take a look at your bent foot.

All right.

Wait a minute, I'll help you up.

If I'd bent the other foot,

or if old Dink'd allow mounting on his off side,

I'd be better off, wouldn't I?

There you go.

Thank you.

How come you left the heads on these pelts?

Well, back where I come from,

there's folks that hunts with traps and them that don't.

And them that don't leaves the heads on.

Yeah, I... see what you mean.

Traps is uncertain and cruel and...

I don't like for varmints to suffer.

♪ You can't lodge in Dodge ♪

♪ 'Cause the howling wind'll blow you free ♪

♪ In the air you'll be just like a flea ♪

♪ Hoppin' alone on the wide prairie. ♪

- I just made that up. - Hmm.

Uncle Festus is real fond of made-up songs.

Well, he ought to be real fond of that one, then.

♪ Just ridin' along on the hot white sand... ♪

You never did tell me your name.

Uh, Quint.

♪ Just ridin' along, me and Quint ♪

♪ Hot white sand and we never seen a fence ♪

♪ A-ridin' along, free and restless ♪

♪ Can't wait to see my Uncle Festus ♪

Well, now, I'll just call that.

Three little deuces.

Three ones.

What do you have to do to win around here?

Golly Bill, them's the purtiest boots

I've ever laid eyeballs on.

I told you before about these boots.

Ain't another pair like this in the whole territory.

How much did they cost?

Eighty-five dollars.

And that's real silver.

I got pert near $300 here.

You'd put up $300 for a pair of boots?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

All right, cowboy.

You asked for it.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

You're shy in the pot, Mr. Gambler.

Whoo, whoo, whoop, now.

How about a friendly little cut?

Come on, let's get this private hand over with, huh?

So we can get on with the game.

Cut 'em deep, sleep, in the street

with bare feet.

Now go ahead on.

How long's Festus been in that game?

Oh, ever since he got a look at those fancy boots

that new dealer's been wearing.

Here, put this behind the bar for me.

Uh, Miss Kitty...

is there something wrong with Festus being in the game?

Well, that depends on how long

he wants to stay out of Pearl Winton's sight.

She's waitin' outside for him.

Can you beat three queens?

No, I can't.

But this here batch of puppy tracks can.

I knowed you was readin' me wrong

when you called me "cowboy."

♪ Oh, I had a little hen ♪

♪ And she had a little egg... ♪

Now, just where do you think you're going?

Well, I was fixin' to go out them doors.

Why?

Yeah?

Well, you're not quittin' winners.

Now, if you're a-fixin' to write up new rules,

it can't be did by mouth.

Deal 'em.

♪ She laid three eggs in the mulberry bush ♪

- ♪ She's the best dang hen... ♪ - Deal 'em!

Well, looks like you had a good day.

So far.

Have you ever saw anything

as purty as them in all your born days?

Why don't you put 'em on?

Oh, I can't put 'em on with these old duds.

I was fixin' to go home and get all duded up

and come back directly.

Say, Sam, could you wrap them up for me?

- Sure. - Much obliged.

How much did you put up for those boots?

$300, but it wasn't none of it mine.

You know something else, Miss Kitty,

if you're fixin' on making a profit in this saloon...

I'd sure think once or twice

whether I wanted to keep that new dealer or not.

Thank you very much.

There you are.

Much obliged, Sam.

See y'all directly.

♪ Best dang hen... ♪

Hi, Festus, honey.

Why didn't you tell me she was out yonder?

What's so wrong with the Widow Winton?

Well, for one thing,

she's tall enough to hunt geese with a rake.

She could, for a fact,

just haul you right off to the preacher.

I wonder why she hasn't done that.

As soon as she finds him a job,

that's just what she will do.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a matter of a whole bunch of time,

I'll tell you that.

Hi there, Festus, honey.

What you got under your arm?

Golly Bill, you're gonna have to quit

following me around,

- Pearl Winton. - Why?

Well, because it just ain't decent, that's why.

Well, I was only asking you to dinner.

I'm cooking up some ham hocks

and mustard greens.

Yeah.

Who else you inviting?

A preacher maybe?

Oh, goodness, no, Festus, honey.

I ain't found you suitable work as yet.

I don't want no work,

suitable kind nor any other kind.

That's 'cause you ain't et none of my ham hocks as yet.

You leave go of me.

I was thinking that we just might

- take a wee walk... - Well, you can just

- start thinking again. - And we might just

- go down by the... - I ain't going.

'cause I heard tell there's a job of work down there...

♪♪

Get over, Red.

Go on, I'll, uh...

give you a hand up to Doc's.

I ain't going up them stairs.

Oh, you ain't, huh?

No.

Well, don't you want Doc to take a look at your bent foot?

Well, who'd watch my pelts?

I don't know, Eliab.

Well, you just have to tell that doctor

to come down here.

Well, I don't think you understand about this doc.

Well, it seems a heap easier to me

to get that doctor down here

than to get old Dink up there.

All right.

Howdy!

Come in.

Oh, hi, Quint.

Hello, Doc.

Well, you... just gonna stand there

and let the flies out?

Come in.

I got a patient for you.

Oh.

Well, he's not exactly a patient,

he's a... he's a Haggen.

- He's a Haggen, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Well, where is he? In your pocket?

No, he's, uh... down at the bottom of the stairs.

He, uh... doesn't want to leave his mule.

I mean his hides.

Well, he... doesn't want to leave his hides?

No.

You sure you feel all right?

Oh, I feel fine.

Do you mean to tell me that you and Festus think

that I'm gonna come down at the foot of the stairs

and practice medicine in the middle of the street

like some Gypsy tin-bender?

I don't, Doc.

He does.

Who does?

That Haggen down at the bottom of the stairs.

Only that Haggen is not Festus.

Oh, it's not Festus?

Nope.

This Haggen is, uh... Eliab Haggen,

who's the son of Zetham Haggen,

who's the brother of Festus Haggen,

and then they also have another brother

by the name of Obadiah.

Not to mention a half cousin

who's over 70 and kind of sickly.

And he's come here to shoot Festus' ear off.

Who did?

Eliab has.

What, to shoot Festus' ear off?

Just the little hangy-down part.

Well, I haven't the faintest idea what's wrong with him,

but it's contagious, whatever it is,

'cause you've got it.

What he's got, Doc, is a bent foot.

Would you mind giving me that diagnosis again?

Bent foot.

His foot is... bent?

Yeah.

See, he was chasing this grouse hen,

and everything was going along just fine.

Then it took to trickin'.

Just... never mind.

I think you ought to go take a look at him, Doc.

You can't be serious about me coming down...

I am serious, Doc, and I think he is, too.

Yeah, about a bent foot.

No, about shooting Festus' ear off.

The "little hangy-down part."

Doc, he's a Haggen.

Now, what would you do if Festus told you

he was gonna shoot your ear off?

Then I think I'd believe him.

Well, that's what I mean.

I think you ought to go take a look at him

and I'm gonna go tell Matt what's going on around here.

Well, if you weren't so doggone busy fishing,

you'd know Matt's out of town.

He's what?

He's out of town.

What the devil's he doing out of town?

Well, he had to go identify a body in Abilene.

He kind of figured on you taking charge while he was gone.

Me?

Yes, you.

Of course, I realize that'll interfere with your fishing!

Well, he must've gone over to Moss Grimmick's stable.

Come on, Doc.

Howdy, Quint!

Hello, Eliab.

This is Doc Adams.

Uh, Doc, this is... this is Eliab.

Howdy, Doc Adams.

Hi, Eliab. Bent your foot, huh?

Well, sit down there and let me have a look at it.

It's just a tweak.

Better let me have that bird, there, uh, Eliab.

All right.

Does that hurt?

Yes, sir.

Be careful and don't bruise her.

Well, here you are, Hank.

Careful; it's real precious.

I'll put her in the feed bin.

All right. Better give her a little water, too.

I'm gonna go see how our friend with all the troubles is doing.

- Yeah, do that. - If you see Uncle Festus,

tell him I'm stayin' the night here

and come by and see me.

Yeah, I'll give him that message, Eliab.

♪ Oh, left my girl on the mountain ♪

♪ Left her standing in the rain ♪

Oh! Hold your foot still, there.

♪ I went down to the depot ♪

♪ Caught myself a midnight train ♪

Uncle Festus is real fond of made-up songs.

Well, I think he's, uh,

kind of fond of his ears, too.

Well, so was my daddy.

Hmm.

All right, Eliab.

That's about all I can do for this.

So I want you to stay off of it till tomorrow.

Then I'll come by and have a look at it.

Well, thank you kindly, Doc Adams.

I'll pay you soon as I get my money

- for these here pelts. - Oh, never...

Say... Say, fine-looking furs.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Right between the eyes.

I always do that.

Seem like they suffer less that way.

How far were you away from that animal

when you shot him?

Oh, that'un?

He was up real close.

Near as I recollect, I figured him for...

no more than 175 yards.

But now, you take this martin here.

He's half again as far and moving.

♪ Well, I left my girl on the mountain ♪

♪ Left her standing in the snow ♪

♪ I'll see you, Doc Adams ♪

♪ I know you got to go ♪

Well, not any more it isn't, Kitty.

Listen, I met a fella today... Quint!

When'd you get back in town?

I was just this minute thinking about you.

- I'll be you were. - You old scudder,

you're a sight for sore eyes.

Speaking of sore eyes...

you got yourself all slickered up.

You going out on a last fling?

Miss Kitty, for a lady as purty as you are,

you sure got a powerful mean streak in you.

Now, oh lasting friend,

I want to ask you something.

All right.

You still got your forge, ain't you?

Yeah, I still got it.

And when the work's a-coming in,

why, you make a right good living and...

Mm-hmm. You asking me for a job, Festus?

Smart aleck. Of course not.

Well, what are you getting at?

Well, I-I just been a-thinking.

Now, a hard-working young buck,

- a feller like you... - Mmm...

ought to have somebody to kind of make sure

that he gets the proper vittles

And makes the bed.

- Does the chore... - So you figure you'd shove

the Widow Winton off on me, didn't you,

oh everlasting friend?

You went and tattled on me

and told him everything.

Well, I thought you wanted to ask him

to be best man at the wedding.

Oh, don't say that.

That just pains my ears something awful.

Speaking of, uh, ears... I met a, uh...

relative of yours today, Festus.

A Haggen?

Oh, I'm sure this was a Haggen.

Eliab Haggen.

Has he got his long rifle, has he?

- Mm-hmm. - What's this all about?

He-He's here in town and he's got his rifle

- and everything? - He's here in town

and he's got the longest rifle I've ever saw in my life.

What's this all about?

Well, you see, this fella

come all the way to Dodge to see Festus.

Now, that ain't why he came

and you know that.

Actually, it's kind of a reunion, Kitty.

You are the coldheartedest dang Comanche

I've ever saw.

Well, you see, he's, uh...

he's gonna shoot Festus' ear off.

Well, that ain't the whole truth, neither.

All he wants to get is this...

little hangy-down part.

What?

Well, it's a family affair.

It ain't nothing that you'd ought to fret about, or...

I-Is he... is he serious?

Yeah. I don't know if he's serious or not,

but I'll tell you one thing,

that Eliab fella is about the most serious guy

I've ever met in my life.

Why didn't you tell me he was in the barn?!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aw, Uncle Festus!

You ain't playing fair.

You keep covering up your ear,

I'm gonna have to shoot your fingers off, too.

Dagnabbit, I see you, Uncle Festus,

hiding behind that tree!

Runs like a hound dog with a sore leg.

Oh, Uncle Festus,

why don't you just hold still for a minute?

It'll only hurt for a little bit!

If I didn't have a bent foot...

What in thunder's the matter with you, Festus?

- Well, I'm gonna... - Oh, come here. Come here!

- But I can't, Doc. - Come on down here.

Don't tell me he's still chasing you.

Well, has a mule got a tail?

Of course he is!

Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of.

Why don't you just settle down and have a drink?

Because I ain't got time.

I've been a-running all over them dang hills

trying to get rid of him.

I'm just plumb wore out.

Did you see him?

See him?

Every time I'd look around,

he'd be poking that dang squirrel rifle

out from behind a rock,

or a tree, or a log, or...

Well, you got a gun.

Why don't you face up to him?

Because I ain't fixing to get close enough

to face up to him.

Liable to hurt him if I did.

Well, I ain't got time to stand around.

I've never seen such rotten luck.

Come on.

Deal the cards.

Be a nice man, huh?

Sign the paper

and I'll let you have a free ride on the next deal.

Deal 'em.

Well, I see you got Eliab's, uh, bent foot

straightened out finally.

I didn't do a dang thing for Eliab's foot.

He...

Hi, Doc Adams.

I thought I told you to stay off of that foot.

Uncle Festus wouldn't let me. Howdy, Quint.

Howdy.

How about a drink?

Thank you kindly, no.

I just had one down to the creek.

What'd you do with the bandage I put on there?

Oh, I wore it clean off

chasing Uncle Festus over them hills.

That Haggen is slicker than possum fat.

Kitty... I want you to meet somebody.

This here is, uh, Eliab Haggen.

Miss Kitty.

How do you do, Eliab?

My, what a pretty lady.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Well, thank you very much.

I've been very anxious to meet you.

You're, um, not at all what I had pictured.

Uh, tell me something, Eliab.

Uh... don't you think a man's ear

is a little close to his head

to go around shooting at it?

Well, a miss is a miss and a hit is a hit

and there ain't nothing but air in-between.

Well, why don't you just bite it off, like he did?

Well, I tried that, Doc Adams,

but he whupped me something awful.

Well, what happens if you miss on the inside

instead of on the outside?

Oh, I wouldn't never draw down on him

lest I was sure I could just get this little...

You dirty, rotten, sniveling slick-fingers!

You're not getting my deed.

You stepped on my foot.

What about it?

You forgot to say, "Beg my pardon."

Why, you barefooted little pile of mountain trash,

I'll make you a greasy spot.

Graveyards is full of folks

that said less to Haggens.

All right, Jake, you've had enough to drink.

Want you to go on home and sleep it off

and take this with you.

Much obliged to you, Quint,

but I could've handled him.

Well, I'm sure you could, Eliab,

but, uh, I'm afraid your way might be a little too permanent.

He's still over in the Long Branch, is he?

Is who over there?

Eliab.

Yeah, he's still over there.

I swear I don't know what in the tarnation

I'm gonna do with that little old scudder.

Well, you know, I've been thinking about that.

If you'd swear out a complaint or something,

we could take that rifle away from him.

Well, I can't do that.

Well, why can't you?

Because it wouldn't be Haggen-like.

Be cheating.

Anyhow, Zetham raised that young'un

so he's got a one-track head.

Afternoon, Quint.

Afternoon, Mrs. Winton.

Afternoon, Festus.

Honey!

Pearl Winton, you stay right where you are.

Festus, you are plumb beautiful!

Oh, beautiful.

Why, in them boots,

you're enough to turn any woman's head.

I declare, I never saw anything like that

in my whole born days!

Can I touch 'em?

Won't hurt none, I reckon.

Oh... they is something.

Oh, Festus, I want for you to wear 'em

when we stand up together.

Stand up? I...

And I want you to come to my house for supper tonight,

but in them boots!

Festus...

you certainly have a way with women.

You know, this is an awful lot of fun, I'll admit that,

but by golly, Quint, it could get serious.

Yeah, I know that, Doc.

Well, I don't know, maybe somebody

ought to do something about it.

Well... I thought about knocking Eliab out

and tying him up.

Well, why don't you?

I couldn't do that.

Couldn't?

No, you get to know him better

and you'll see what I mean.

You know, I've...

I've grown real fond of that strange little fella.

A real unusually good shot, Quint;

right between the eyes.

Might've been a coincidence, Doc.

I sure wish Matt was back in town.

All right, just take it all, Dink.

That's it.

Eliab.

Over here.

Well, evening to you, Quint.

Evening, Eliab.

What brings you out this time of night?

Well, I'm afraid it's business.

Oh? What kind of business?

Well, it seems that I'm the acting marshal

now that Matt Dillon's out of town.

Acting marshal!

Well, I sure am proud of you.

But I don't see what that's got to do with me.

Eliab, I'm gonna have to take that rifle away from you.

You sure are gonna have to take it from me.

Eliab...

I just took Jake Craig's body up to Doc's office.

Body?

Yeah.

Found it in the alley.

He was dead; he had a bullet hole right between the eyes.

Was he that big feller over at the saloon?

Yeah.

You think I done it?

Doesn't matter what I think, Eliab.

A lot of people saw you threaten him.

Well, I wasn't threatening him, Quint.

I was just telling him what I thought he ought to know.

Here.

Don't lay it down on nothing.

I won't.

Try not to worry, Eliab.

You'll get a fair trial.

Oh, flitter, I ain't worried.

But, uh...

look after my mule Dink, will you?

He gets kind of lonesome without me.

♪ Quint's locked me up ♪

♪ Throwed away the key ♪

♪ But I sure hope ♪

♪ He still likes me. ♪

I never seen nothing like them boots in all my born days!

That's 'cause there ain't no other boots like these.

Oh... morning, Quint.

Howdy, Quint.

What are you doing here?

Well, he's been sittin' up with me all night,

keeping me company.

Oh, well, that explains why

the Widow Winton couldn't find you last night.

The Widow Winton?

Yeah, it seems she's, uh, real upset.

She's been looking all over Dodge for you.

- Why? - Well, she had

supper for you last night, Festus,

and you didn't show up.

Dang it, Comanche,

you're the law around here till Matthew gets back.

Ain't there nothing you can do about that?

Nothing I can do about that, Festus.

I can't arrest a woman for being in love.

Coffee ready?

Yeah, the coffee's ready.

Uncle Festus...

are you fixin' to get married?

No, I ain't fixin' to get married.

And I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't bring it up no more.

Well... what you want to talk about?

Tell me again about how we're fixin'

to cook up that grouse hen.

Uncle Festus, I done told you 50 times.

I know you did,

but I ain't had me no grouse hen

since I left home... Cooked Haggen-style, that is.

Go on.

Well, she's young and she's plump.

And she's right over at the stable in the feed bin.

And I got me a poke with some taters

and some onions and some sage for stuffing.

And there's some red clay in that bank

that takes you over to roll her up in for baking.

And then I got me some of these

little, teeny chestnuts...

Quit! Quit, I just can't stand it no more.

You know something?

I'd get you out of here...

if for no other reason,

I'd get you out to cook that grouse hen.

Well, I'd have to shoot your ear off first.

Marshal!

Out of town, Abel, what's on your mind?

It's Doc Adams wants him. He said to hurry.

He hollered at me from the top of the stairs.

All right.

Hello, Quint.

Hello, Doc.

What's the matter?

Matt's not back yet, huh?

No, why?

Want to show you something.

Looks to me like it came from a derringer.

Well, it's not from any cap-and-ball weapon,

I'll tell you that.

Or any Haggen-type weapon.

Hardly.

Another thing: there were powder burns right near the wound.

Let me ask you something, Doc.

You remember when I threw him out of the saloon yesterday?

Yeah.

Well, he had a paper on him,

a-a land deed or something

he was using as a bet in a poker game.

Did he have it on him?

No, didn't find a thing.

Yeah.

Mind if I keep this and show it to Matt?

No, of course not.

Thanks, Doc.

Well, Quint, Doc.

Finally got back, huh?

You look terrible.

Yeah, well, thanks.

I've been in the saddle for 36 hours.

Who is this you got locked up in jail?

You didn't see him, huh?

Why, no, Abel told me about it.

Oh.

Well, you'd better sit down, Matt.

Well, if I sit down, I may not get up again.

Go on, tell him, Quint.

Let him have it.

Well, that fella over there in the jail

is, uh, Eliab Haggen,

who's a nephew of Festus Haggen,

and they're real fond of each other,

only Eliab's here to shoot Festus' ear off.

Not the whole ear, though.

That little hangy-down part.

Hello, Kitty.

Well, welcome home, stranger.

You look like you haven't slept for a week.

Ah, Kitty, you're not far wrong.

Did you have trouble?

Well, I had some,

but according to what Quint's been telling me,

it's not as much as you've had.

I've seen quieter days.

How about some coffee?

No. No, thanks.

Uh, where's this new dealer?

I fired him last night.

He's in the office; Sam's paying him off.

Wait a minute, I want to talk to you.

I'm in a hurry, Marshal. I'll miss my stage.

I'm afraid you're gonna miss a lot more than that.

See that?

That's a derringer slug.

I... don't understand.

Then I'll make it real clear to you.

You're under arrest for the murder of Jake Craig.

He was a chiseler, Marshal.

A cheap, tinhorn chiseler.

What's that?

That's the land deed I was telling you about.

Let's go.

What's going on here?

We're gonna let Eliab out of jail.

- Eliab? - Yep.

By golly, I'm going along with you.

I want to see the look on Festus' face

when he finds out about that.

What are you gonna do, give Festus a head start, Matt?

No, I'm gonna leave that up to Quint, here.

What do you mean?

'Cause if I don't get a bath and a shave

and some sleep pretty quick,

I'm gonna be mean enough to shoot his ear off myself.

Quint, lock him up

and do whatever else you want to.

Just don't disturb me.

Well, Doc, it looks like I'm in charge.

Hey, this might be all right, Deputy.

Let's go.

Howdy, Doc.

Festus.

Stand over there.

What are you doing here, gambling man?

Matt just arrested him for the murder of Jake Craig.

I knowed it wasn't Eliab done it.

Matthew fixin' to turn Eliab loose, is he?

Well, don't ask me about it.

You'll have to see Quint about that.

He's in charge.

Well, you ain't fixin' to leave him go, are you, Quint?

Well, I don't have any choice, Festus.

Well, I gotta talk to Matthew.

No, no, you can't do that either.

Matt's trying to get some rest.

He'd be madder than thunder.

Don't disturb him.

But you all don't understand.

You gotta help me.

Now, this is serious.

That little scudder means business.

I can't help that, Festus.

Come on, you.

- Quint... - Hold it,

hold it just a minute now.

I think I got an idea.

Festus, come here.

Take off those spurs.

Why?

Take off your spurs!

You want me to help you?

You don't have to be so danged ornery about it.

Get in there.

Well... howdy, Eliab.

Howdy, Doc Adams.

Howdy, Quint.

Hello, Eliab.

We thought maybe you was a little lonesome,

we'd come in here and visit you.

No, I was just talking to a mockingbird.

What'd he say?

There ain't nothing wrong with that.

Mockingbirds sing, and it's dang near as purty

as these boots are.

Yeah, except a mockingbird's for listening to

and them boots is for looking at.

Or for wearing, too.

A man cuts a fine figure in a pair of boots like that.

Could indeed.

Uh, how come you got them boots on today, Festus?

Today?

Well, I ain't never took 'em off,

even when I'm sleeping,

for fear that somebody'll steal them.

Back where me and Festus is from,

a man with a pair of boots like that'd be king of the roost.

Get hisself any gal he wanted, I reckon.

Say, Eliab, I'll bet back where you came from,

you've got a girl that'd...

that'd just love to see you in those boots.

Now, haven't you got a girl like that?

Well, I have, for a fact, Doc Adams.

She favors Zeke Musgrove much as she does me.

Of course, if I had a pair of boots like that...

No, no. Just ain't possible, Eliab.

Ain't no other boots like this in the whole world.

One of a kind.

I believe you, Uncle Festus, I purely do.

Of course, seeing as how you're my favorite nephew

and... seeing as how you got your heart set on these boots,

might be we could just strike ourself a trade.

I'll swap you anything I own for them boots.

Well, now, uh, what about your claim on Festus' ear, huh?

Well, now, you're talking about a duty of honor.

No, he ain't.

He's talking about these here boots and my ear.

I'll swap you straight across, even Steven,

the boots for the ear... Just say "done."

Oh, I can't.

I just can't.

Well, now wait now.

Well, what about an armistice for, say, five years?

What's that?

Well, it's, uh... a kind of a truce.

Well, it's like "King's X."

Would you by any chance be wearing socks under them boots?

Well, of course I am.

You can't wear boots like these without any socks.

Besides, Quint's gonna throw in a little something extry

into the bargain. Ain't you, Quint?

Yeah, Eliab, if, uh, if you'll go ahead with this trade,

we'll let you out of this cell for good.

I'll give you one whole month.

Four years... just say "done."

Six months, but I'm a fool for thinking it.

Two years... and you just stole these fine boots.

Throw in the socks, and I'll give you a year's King's X,

and not a day longer.

- Done! - Yee-haw-haw-haw!

Help me take them off.

What's that feller in jail over there for, Uncle Festus?

For doing the killin' that you was supposed to have did.

Did you know that all the time

we was sitting here dickering for these boots?

Well, I had...

Well... I ought to have knowed better

than to be swappin' with a Haggen.

Here's the socks.

Festus Haggen! Where have you been?

I've been looking all over town for you.

What happened to your boots?

I ain't got them no more, Pearl.

But I never saw such a change in a man in my life.

Festus, you lost all your fire.

What did you do with them?

I swapped 'em off.

Swapped 'em?! To who?

Uh, to my nephew, Eliab here.

Land's sakes!

Them boots, they sure do do something for a man.

And this here Haggen's a workin' fool, Pearl.

Why don't you just introduce me, Festus?

Of course. I'd be plumb proud.

This here is Eliab Haggen.

He ain't married or spoke for,

he's just a plumb fool about mustard greens and ham hocks,

and he's got hisself a built-in sense of responsibility.

Eliab, this here is the Widow Winton.

Well, Eliab... I'm mighty pleased to meet

a responsible Haggen.

Uh, if y'all excuse me, I just remembered something I forgot.

What's the matter?

That's the dirtiest trick I've ever seen in my life.

That was just terrible... You pawning

your own flesh and blood, your own nephew off

on the Widow Winton!

But there's something you don't know.

Now, he ain't only the best shot in the Haggen clan,

but he's the fastest runner, too.

Hmm.

I know I owe you fellers a whole heap for what you did...

Yeah.

How would you like you a taste of grouse hen?

What do you think about that, Quint?

- Not me, Doc. - Nope.

Uh, but this here is gonna be cooked Haggen-style,

in the poke, with taters and onions and sage,

and all wrapped up in...

What do you think about that, Doc?

- Not me. - Nope.

Well, what if we was to go down to the Long Branch

and I was to buy you a drink?

Well, now, that's a little more like it.

But what are you gonna use for money?

Aw, fiddle! I got money.

Bye, Uncle Festus!

See you next year!

♪ And I'll come back and shoot off your ear! ♪