Original subtitles

Starring James Arness as Matt Dillon.

♪♪

♪ Oh, many a year has come and went ♪

♪ Since the Mud Creek incident ♪

♪ Hawg Haggen drawed a mite too late ♪

♪ And Soapweed shot him twice ♪

♪ But before my grandpa died ♪

♪ He fetched me down to his side ♪

♪ And he imparted a heap of good advice ♪

♪ He said, Festus, don't never ♪

♪ Let a man draw first ♪

♪ He'll shoot your head ♪

♪ All full of holes and stuff ♪

♪ He said, swaller good whiskey ♪

♪ When you've got a thirst ♪

♪ And bullies is pikers ♪

♪ If you call their bluff. ♪

Well, now.

I'd have blowed the ears right off your head.

If you're gonna hang around a wide-open town like Dodge,

you'd better fast up that draw, stranger.

So that's the way you want to play, huh?

I'm gonna turn you every way but loose.

Morning to you, Louie.

Festus.

Morning.

Did you win the fight?

Oh, of course I did.

I was too fast for him.

That's the way it looked to me, too.

Who was you fighting?

I never saw the man before in my life.

Oh.

I guess you been drinking?

No, Louie, just...

kind of full of beans.

You ever feel that way?

I don't eat much.

What I mean is, uh...

like I got a wildcat right under my hide,

just a-faunchin' and a-bustin' to get out.

You might be better off drinking.

Well, if I can't get loose from this wildcat,

reckon I'll have to turn to drinking.

Say, you wouldn't want to wrestle

or any such a thing, would you?

Do you?

Nothing personal, but no.

Well, no hard feelings, Louie.

I'll see you directly.

Well, howdy there, Comanche.

You come in here to get shod, Festus?

If I did, I'd want a better class of work.

How long you gonna be playing at that?

You call this "play," you must have never worked.

Well, you set it in the fire to make it hot,

and then you stick it in the water to make it cold.

Back home, we got young'uns that do that.

Well, uh, I'm going to be playing around here

most of the day, so... why don't you just run along?

Oh, come on, Comanche.

Come on what?

Now, Festus, I done whipped you at that

about a dozen times.

Don't you think that's enough?

What's the matter with you? You afraid, Comanche?

One time.

Just one time's all I want.

You want to give up?

I think I can hang on just a little while longer.

All right.

Don't say I didn't give you a chance.

Well, you'd ought to give up when I told you to.

I suppose you're all right?

Why, there ain't a nick on me.

I just tripped a little bit.

You don't have to help me up, neither.

I'll get up by myself.

That's just great, Festus. That's just great.

Oh, now, Quint,

we can put that back up again in no time flat.

If we had some of those young'uns of yours, maybe.

They wasn't my young'uns.

They was cousins and little uncles.

Here, let me help.

Don't you touch a thing.

Well, golly Bill...

that's a peculiar attitude.

The most least thing I can do is help you out.

I don't need any help.

I need some new bellows.

- Nah! - Yeah!

You mean this can't be fixed?

No, it can't be fixed.

Well, what if we was to take it

to a blacksmith someplace?

Everything was going along just fine this morning,

till you moseyed in here.

I'm sure plumb sorry, Quint.

You're plumb sorry, that's a fact.

That's a fact.

What are we gonna do about it?

We ain't gonna do nothing about it.

I'm gonna go across the street

and see if Mr. Jonas has got a bellows.

If he does, well, that's fine.

If he doesn't, well...

Well, then we'd... we'd have to go off somewheres

and fetch one, then, wouldn't we?

No, we wouldn't have to go off somewheres

and fetch one; I would.

Well, I could use a little trip myself.

B-Besides, you might say it was part my fault.

Well, now, it was part.

Well, Quint, how far do you figure you'll have to go

to find new bellows?

Well, Mr. Jonas tells me

I can get one in Wichita, all right.

Might be able to get that one fixed.

Yeah, well, you're gonna wait for Festus, aren't you?

No, I'm, uh... gonna go without him.

Well, he's been telling everybody around town

that he's going with you.

Yeah, I know he has.

But I'm gonna leave in a couple of minutes,

and he thinks I'm not going till after dinner.

Well, he's gonna be pretty disappointed.

Yeah.

Well, he hasn't been too good luck for me lately.

As a matter of fact, every time he's around me, I'm in trouble.

Say, Quint, uh...

look here, if you run into any trouble with the law,

well, don't count on me.

- I'll deny that I know you. - Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

I'll be all right, as long as I'm alone.

You don't, uh, think I've been too hard on old Festus, do you?

Oh, no, I wouldn't worry about Festus.

I think he'll get along all right.

Well, see you in a couple weeks.

Yeah. Good luck.

So long.

♪♪

Whoa, whoa!

Festus.

It was you fired the shot, I suppose.

Well, of course it was.

Hurry up and untie me.

I'm about to cut my mouth off.

I ought to leave you tied up there all day.

Near sawed my mouth off.

Yeah, well, you deserve every rope burn you got.

You didn't miss a chuckhole in the last ten miles.

You pretty near drowneded me when you forded that creek.

You, uh, tie yourself up like this?

No, I spun this a-way.

You were bound to come.

I wasn't bound to come bounded, though.

Well...

go ahead and stomp me.

That's all there is left to do.

Guess Matt knew you were back here all the time, huh?

Well, yeah.

We had a grin or two about it.

Pretty, uh, sneaky doggone thing to do, I'd say.

Well, what about yourself?

Kind of like lying to a friend, ain't it?

Kind of.

Come on, there. Hey!

I'm gonna tie you in a knot

for trying to run off and leave me!

No, don't!

No fair choking!

Now, I quit! I quit!

I quit.

That ain't fair.

You used all them sneaky Comanche tricks.

That's what you do.

Why don't you just... shut up?

Ain't no prettier sight I know

than a soaking-wet Comanche.

Dadgum.

Whoa!

♪♪

You get the feeling they was expecting us?

Why don't you keep your eye out for the emporium, huh?

No red-blooded man could do anything else.

Whoa.

I got me an idea.

I got me a whole raft of 'em.

I'll go inside and see if they got any bellows.

You find us a place to sleep.

To sleep?

It's been a long ride, and I'm tired.

Ain't you?

What I am is young

and good-looking and full of vinegar.

Sleep's a long ways down on my list of things to do.

Pardon me, ma'am.

I'm a stranger in town,

and I was just wondering if maybe me and you and...

your husband couldn't...

Yeah! We could!

I'm going in and, uh, check on the bellows, good-looking.

Why don't you find us a place to sleep?

♪♪

Well, now.

Ain't this a teensy bit better

than staying up in that hotel room?

Well, we'll see.

We'll see.

You just go pitch your tepee over there,

and I'll be there directly.

Give me a jar of whiskey, would you?

Quint...

you're a country boy...

and I want to give you

just a little bit of sage advice.

The first thing to do is don't try to keep up with me.

Can't be done, boy.

Festus...

you've never done anything in your life

that I can't do better.

Look at you falling right into my trap.

You little scudder, I've brung you along just so.

Burns, don't it?

Ain't even warm.

Well, then, you got a belly

that's made out of rhinocera-horse hide

or something.

It's supposed to burn.

Let me give you a little advice.

Don't try to keep up with me.

Now, let me tell you something.

You maybe got a muscle bulge or two on me,

but there ain't nothing you can talk about,

from berry-picking plumb on up through scalping,

that I ain't better at than you are.

Well, suppose we start right there.

Allow me to pour this last little dab.

♪ Dee dum dee dum dum dum ♪

♪ Dum dee dum dum dum dee dum ♪

♪ Grandpa left me with a heap of good advice ♪

♪ He said, Festus, whenever you drink in a saloon ♪

♪ Don't let no weak Comanche outdrink you ♪

♪ He said, he'll get plumb drunk ♪

♪ On a half a tablespoon ♪

♪ Full of the weakest kind of barley brew. ♪

Know what them is, Comanche?

Dead Indians.

You're a big man to say that.

I'm a big man whether I say that or not.

You want I should take these away?

She's a girl.

Yeah, I'm a girl.

I want to know, you want I should take these away

and bring you a fresh one?

Or you want to keep the empties?

Well, whatever you think's customary.

Okay, honey.

The time has came.

Don't you know when to give up?

I'm ready for you this time, boy.

Come on.

You want to give up?

Uh-uh.

Now, you better not mess in this, friend.

You're liable to get hurt.

All right! Come on, now, break it up here!

Break it up!

Start the music over there.

Somebody get to the player piano.

Now, break it up!

Don't you want to dance, Comanche?

I do not.

You know something?

I could best you at dancing if you used your feet

and I used my bare knuckles.

Go right ahead and make a fool of yourself.

You're a wild man, Festus Haggen!

Hey, hey! Come here!

Hey!

He's your friend, ain't he?

I am alone.

Well, let me tell you this:

If he comes around and jostles me again,

I'll clean his plow for him.

He's gonna clean your plow for you.

Well, couldn't you wait

till this little revel's over with?

Just don't jostle me again, that's all.

Describe me a jostle.

Well, you know, uh...

like that.

You mean like that?

Well, now you got it down pat.

Just don't do it again, that's all.

'Cause if you do...

I'll clean your plow for you, you understand?

You want to know something?

You pretty near spoiled a nice evening for me.

Just so we understand each other.

Oh, of course.

I understand.

What are you doing?

That man had been drinking.

Well, some folks is sure quick to temper

in these parts, ain't they?

Hey, there's way too much fighting

and hoo-rahing going on here.

We're gonna find a respectable saloon.

Come on.

Morning, honey.

Oh, golly Bill.

He's still sleeping?

Who?

Him.

Honey.

Time to wake up.

I don't believe I'd do that if I was you.

He might break.

Why? It's a bright and beautiful day out.

There you go!

Where?

And I thought I was gonna keep you waiting.

- Festus. - Huh?

What's she talking about?

She remarked on how it's a pretty day.

Well...

I'm all ready.

I believe she is.

Well, you are leaving today, ain't you?

Allowing we live.

You didn't mean what you said last night, did you?

Well, that depends on what we said.

About taking me with you to Dodge City.

Oh...

You don't even remember what you said, do you?

You... you seemed so anxious to help.

Well, I'm... just kind of that way.

I'm soft-hearted like a mama polecat, and I...

Well, it wasn't so much you as it...

was him.

Me?

Uh-huh.

It's kind of hurtful that you don't remember.

Help him out a little bit, Liz.

Well, I... I kind of took to the both of you right off,

'cause you... you seemed to be such gentlemen.

I don't get to meet gentlemen very often, you know.

And I told you how I... I was afraid to stay here.

And I am. I got good reason.

And you said I didn't have to.

That you had this friend, Miss Kitty, in Dodge.

I told you about... Kitty?

Well, she couldn't have went to work and dreamed that up, now.

You said she'd leave me work for her.

And you'd take me there.

Seems like I recollect you saying just that, Quint.

Well, if I told you about Kitty,

I must have told you about the wagon we're going in.

It's full of...

With the bellows, and-and the fittings and gills.

Uh-huh. But you-you said we'd make do just fine.

Liz, you just ain't gonna learn no younger.

It's pretty near a law of the plain

that you just can't take a Comanche's word for nothing.

Festus, I'm not in the mood...

And I'll tell you another thing.

For any of your remarks, all right?

There's a reason for not letting 'em

- have any firewater. - Just keep it up, keep it up.

- Because they get to swilling... - I'm telling you right now,

- if you don't leave me alone... - and the first thing

you know, they've went and busted another treaty!

I'll bust you right in the nose!

Don't get your dander up!

- Or I'll kick you! That's it! - Festus...

All right, now you did it!

Quit, Comanche! You're choking again!

Well, I can't tell.

Does that mean I can go with you or not?

Yeah. Right after he pays for the damages.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You know, I bet you two

are the nicest fellas in the whole world.

Well, if you're bound to insist on it.

I never could've got away without you.

Well, there's stages out of Wichita, you know.

And trains, too.

Mmm.

I thought about that lots of times.

But that would've meant going alone, and...

well, I'm afraid I'm not brave enough for that.

Don't it take some kind of brave,

uh, being a saloon girl?

Mm-hmm.

But I never knew nothing else.

You make it sound like you were born in a saloon.

Well, I don't remember being born.

But when I was just a little girl,

there was a man I called Daddy.

He left me in one.

You mean your pa rode off and left you in a saloon?

He never knew much else, either, I guess.

Well, if that ain't a plain fright.

Oh, it wasn't so bad.

Folks was always kind to me.

I was passed from one woman to the other for care.

But, you know, you don't learn an awful lot from books.

And you don't stand much in the outdoors,

or breathe the fresh air.

Don't feel this kind of warm, or...

this kind of clean.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is...

thank you for everything.

Well, uh...

we kind of got the impression that you were

scared of someone back in Wichita.

Well, he's still back there.

I'm safe here, ain't I?

Well, there's just another saloon waiting for you in Dodge.

But that's with your friend Kitty.

You'll be close by, and Festus.

Well, I do get into a saloon now and again.

Maybe when I get to Dodge, I'll get married.

Quint?

- Good morning. - Morning.

What are you doing up?

Mmm, the birds.

Ever since it got light out, they set up such a racket.

Yeah, well, that's the way it is outside in the morning.

Where's Festus?

Oh, he's going to get some firewood.

He'll be back in a minute.

What's that for?

I'm gonna go do some hunting.

Get some food.

Can I go with you?

I don't think that'd be a good idea.

Well, it seems like it to me.

Well, you're wrong.

You really want to leave me here alone?

Well, I really want some food.

Well, I-I know I shouldn't stop you,

but, you know, I... I feel safe with you around.

You do?

Well, I am safe, ain't I, Quint?

Well, of course you are.

If you don't mind leaving me alone...

Well, Festus will be back in a minute.

Festus ain't you.

Well, you... got a point there.

Good hunting.

Yeah.

See you later.

Good morning, Festus!

Well, you're up stirring around, are you?

Had to.

This is about the time I go to bed, mostly.

Did you sleep all right in the house, did you?

Oh, fine.

But I just can't understand it,

folks going off and deserting a home like that.

Well, uh... the prairie's got ways of scaring folks off.

It'll blow you hot,

and then turn right around and blow you cold.

It'll rain you afloat and sear you dry.

Folks just get tired of that,

and they pack off and leave places like this.

You sure know an awful lot, Festus.

Well, I'm Haggen-wise.

That means I know a few things, I reckon.

Where's Quint?

Well, I saw him go off with a rifle.

Oh.

Well, you got your mouth set for some coffee?

Oh, I just love your coffee, Festus.

And if you loved it yesterday,

you're gonna be wild about it today.

It's the same coffee.

It's a little stout, uh...

Just kind of bite you back, did it?

Well, it's... it's not watery, I'll say that.

Long about tomorrow,

we'll have to take a knife to it.

Then it'll be real coffee.

You sure do know how to take care of a girl, Festus.

Comes kind of natural to me, I reckon.

You gonna take that to me?

No, not as long as you mind your manners, I won't.

No, I'm... I'm gonna make me a fish pole.

There's a creek down there just a little ways.

Well...

you're not gonna go off and leave me alone, are you, Festus?

Well, it's just a whoop and a holler down there.

And Quint will be back directly.

Quint ain't you.

I'm kind of glad he ain't.

Me, too.

Good fishing.

Don't be too long, Festus.

Oh, I won't.

Fish just fair fly out of the creek for me.

I just bet they do.

Well, I'll see you directly.

♪ He said, Festus, don't take no pretty woman's word ♪

♪ Don't let her make no silly fool of you ♪

♪ He said, the best thing to do ♪

♪ Is to build yourself a herd ♪

♪ Then you can cull one out if you want to. ♪

♪♪

Can I help?

Well, I'm just going to water the horse.

Well, is it all right?

I mean, don't somebody live there?

Well, you can go in and ask, if you like.

I'd help you down if I had a free hand, Liz.

Oh, I know you would, honey.

Oh, howdy. I was just gonna go up and knock on your door.

Well, we ain't there, honey.

We're right here.

We was wondering if we could have

a little water for our horse.

Well, it looks like you're already at it.

We don't know you.

Well, I'm just a man whose horse needs some water.

Well, we need it, too.

We don't just give it out.

You mean you're asking that we pay for it?

I mean I'm asking that you don't use it at all.

It's our'n.

Well, now, you don't mean that.

I don't?

No. You're not all that unfriendly.

I can tell.

Well, now, looky what we got here.

All we want's a little water for our horse.

That's not too much to ask, now, is it?

She belong to you?

Yeah, yeah. She's, uh... she's with me.

Well, it looks like she wants that water pretty bad.

Why don't you go get in the wagon, Liz?

- Well, if you say so. - Yeah, I-I say so.

She seems fine right here.

Get out of the way, Liz!

Please don't help, Liz!

Well, we did it.

♪♪

♪♪

Quint's sleeping so peaceful-like.

Yeah, just like a little baby.

Are you hurting, Festus?

Nah, nah, little old scrap like that don't faze me none.

It sure is quiet tonight, ain't it?

Yeah, sure is.

Liz?

I'm just bound to ask you something.

Why, honey, you can ask me anything at all.

You got any idea

what caused that little ruction today?

The water.

No.

Truth is, it was you smiling so sweet at them two men.

Oh, Festus, I only aimed to help.

Well, I know you did, but...

you're such a innocent, trusting little old thing,

you just ain't got no idea

what them sweet smiles does to men.

Well, I am friendly.

I don't deny that.

Well, Liz, you got to stop that.

Now, poor old Quint there is just plumb played out.

And he ain't up to you smiling sweet at many more men.

You're not played out, Festus.

Well, Haggens is different.

You never catch a Haggen that ain't in the pink.

Course, most folks knows Comanches is soft.

Well, I'll be careful.

From now on, I'll hardly smile a smile.

And old Quint will be mighty grateful for that, I know.

Anybody expecting company?

Well, I've come to get her.

Maybe you ought to tell us who you're talking about.

Well, you're some pair, ain't you?

All right, Liz, come on out.

I ain't got much time.

Well, the longer you stay there, the longer I'm gonna whup you.

I guess you're the fella she's been running from, huh?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you give up?

She don't want you.

Come on out, Liz.

I ain't coming with you, Big Hardy.

Now, you know better.

Why do you try to make out different?

I'm through doing what you say.

Now, how many times you think she's told me that?

Why can't you get it through your head

that she's through with you?

Now, you look about half bright.

Now, you'll spare yourself

if you'll just stand aside and let me take her.

Well, she's afraid of you.

She'd better be.

Well, you can't have her.

You big galoot, you'll kill them!

They can let up any time.

Liz, please don't help!

Two on one... that ain't fair!

- Don't you hurt him. - Ow!

Quit! Quit!

Ooh...

Are you hurt?

They tried me some.

They tried me.

Now, you tried me some, too.

You always got it coming.

When I get my breath back, I'm gonna whup you for a week.

You got to catch me first.

It sure was fun.

He don't whup me all the time.

And when he don't, I sure do love him.

Understand?

I have to say, you're the best she's run off with yet.

Well...

what do you say to that?

Comanches is soft.

Sure I can't give you a hand, Quint?

Don't touch it.

Don't you touch it.

Well, you had to go all the way to Wichita to get it, huh?

All the way.

Well, you were gone long enough.

Did you have a good time?

Oh, I had a good time.

A real good time.

How about you, Quint?

Well... back in business again.

You know, I, uh, asked you if you had a good time.

Yeah, I heard you, Matt.

Well, answer him, Comanche.

Festus, I just want you to go out of here

and never come back.

Oh, now, Quint...

I mean it. I'll meet you on the street,

I'll meet you in the Long Branch,

but I don't want you to ever come back in here again.

Matt...

the reason he's so peeved

is because I took a pretty little gal away from him.

And you ought to have heard the way he took on.

- You took a girl away from me, huh? - Just had a conniption fit.

You took a girl away from me?

Well, now maybe I'll get the real story

about what happened in Wichita.

If I'd have shown the slightest little interest in that girl...

The slightest little interest at all...

It was me that backed off.

See, once I unleashed that Haggen charm,

she'd have followed me like a pup.

Now, if you'd listen to me, sonny,

I could learn you a few things

- about women. - The day you learn me about anything,

that'll be the day.

Oh, you know it all, do you?

All, yeah.

- Everything? - Everything.

Well, what about the Aunt George slewfoot?

The what?

The Aunt George slewfoot.

You made that up.

I did not.

What is it?

Well, you see, smart aleck?

You don't know everything.

- I never heard of it with that name. - Just... just...

I'll show it to you.

Step right up here, put your foot right out there.

Your right foot.

Put it right up close to mine, like that.

Now...

Put up your arm with your right hand.

Turn it over.

Now...

The way it starts off, first thing we do is...

That's the same thing we did before!

- It ain't the same thing! - I don't want to do this again!

It's entirely different. It starts out by kicking back...

I sure am plumb sorry, Quint.

Course, we could...

always go back to Wichita and...

pick up another one.

I mean...

the wagon's still setting right there in front.

And it ain't all that far to Wichita.

We... we proved that.

We've been there and back again.

See you in a couple of weeks, Marshal.

Giddap, Blue.

♪ He said, Festus, whenever at first you don't succeed ♪

♪ Don't start to pouting ♪

♪ Like a old Comanche squaw ♪

♪ He said, start into rolling like a tumbleweed ♪

♪ Back down that rocky road to Wichita. ♪