Original subtitles

[client] I need money and I need jobs.

So is this-- Is this a thing you can provide?

- [Lenny] Yes. - 'Cause you said you could.

I-- I'd like to do one TV spot,

- maybe, could you... - [Lenny] Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[client] Could you get me on one of the Jimmys?

- [Lenny] Yes. - [client] I need money...

- [Lenny] Yeah. - [client] ...and I need opportunities.

And I wanted to get--

I want to get into the comedy clubs,

like, uh, the-- The Laughing Hut.

[Lenny] Yes, I could totally see you there.

[client] And can you-- can you get me into these places?

[Lenny] Yeah, I can get you into all those places, buddy.

- Yes. - [client] Yeah, like, I need--

But I need that to happen, like, now.

I need something to happen finally, you know what I mean?

- [Lenny] Yes! - [client] Okay, so let's go.

- Make it happen. - Hey, I get it.

Look, fame, fortune, that's everything

and don't let anybody tell you otherwise,

because without that, you're nobody.

But you can't do it alone. It takes two to tango.

Okay, I feel like you're not listening to me or hearing me at all.

No, I hear you. You're in a rut.

You're not booking. You wanna make some changes.

So, we'll find a new agent, new manager,

and, you know, maybe you could shake things up too.

Like, work a dummy into your act or something.

I hear ventriloquism is making a comeback.

It's not. I don't know who told you that.

- People, and it is. - No, it is not.

Yes, it is.

Find a puppet that looks like you.

[laughs]

I can see it right now.

- [laughs] - That's not a thing.

- It is a thing. - No, it's not.

- It's a great thing. - What are you talk--

What is this? What is this--

this puppet suggestion?

Look, it's been months, okay?

And you've brought me nothing.

Nobody. No agents, no managers.

You've introduced me to zero people.

Well, it takes time. [chuckles]

Yeah. I'm not sure I even know what you do.

What do you do?

What do you mean "what"? I do it all. I'm your guy.

You said you're a publicist, but you don't even have a website.

- There's no phone number to call. - No, I am. I am.

Oh, excuse me, uh...

- Are you a publicist? - Yes. Eight dollars?

- You are? You're a real publicist? - Yes.

- You have other clients? - Excuse me, I'm counting.

One...

Two...

[distant siren blaring]

- Three. - I'm letting you go.

- I'm moving on. - What?

- You're fired. - What about us?

- What about our relationship? - "Us"? What does that mean?

- What about the tip that you promised? - There is no us. The tip?

There is no us. You care about yourself.

You don't care about me at all.

That is not true. No, I think of both.

I need you.

I don't need you.

Fine! Rip my heart out, why don't you?

No, I don't need you, anyway.

I'll find somebody better. Just you wait and see.

- I'll find myself a real somebody. - [door closes]

[doctor 1] The patient, essentially, is nobody.

- No family, no friends. - [doctor 2] Hmm.

His condition is quite frankly bizarre, to say the least.

He has the mind of a-- a five-year-old,

or say, um, a Labrador retriever.

Understanding very little

and allowing himself to be quite easily led.

Observe. Patient, would you stand up?

Stand up. Yeah, up, up.

Yeah. Perfect.

How about you, uh, maybe put your hand on your head?

Can you do that for me? Yeah, put your hand on your head.

On your head. Yep.

Now your nose, your finger on your nose.

Yeah, yeah. Right. How about your chin? Do that?

How about for your-- Can you find your ear?

Yeah. Great. Have a seat.

You can have a seat now.

Have a seat.

No, no. Sit. You're done.

Here you go, just sit down. Yeah, you're good.

You're good. We're done. No, no, you did great.

You did wonderfully. Good job.

- See? It's... - What do you think it is?

Age regression, perhaps?

We do think it is that, in part,

possibly caused by some severe trauma,

the loss of a loved one. It's hard to say.

The patient has lost the ability to speak.

- [doctor 2] Oh, I see. - [doctor 1] He's not deaf

and he's technically not mute.

His case is medically undefinable.

[doctor 2] Is his condition reversible?

[clicks tongue] Mm, you know,

with a proper amount of care

and, uh, a lot of exposure therapy

and neurophysical cognitive therapy,

and if he were to have one meaningful connection,

yes, it's possible that he could regain his understanding of the world,

his ability to speak, his-- his emotions.

- Fascinating. - Hmm.

So, what's our first course of action?

Well, the state is not gonna pay for any of that,

so we are gonna put his ass on the first bus downtown.

[bright upbeat music playing]

Hey, Don, it's Lenny!

You don't even know why I'm calling you, buddy.

Okay, that, yeah, that is why I'm calling you. But listen.

No, I'm just talking about representation.

Hello? Oh, man.

Geez, Louise. Geez, Louise!

[both struggling, grunting]

[train whooshing]

[train horn blaring]

Mikey. Mikey, please.

I just-- I'm begging you.

I just-- I need a client.

No, you're getting personal.

I am a real publicist, Mikey.

No, I get people things.

[children laughing]

[whistle blowing]

[laughing]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[cheering]

What? Are you kidding?

[groans] No!

God! Ugh!

[bright upbeat music continues]

Hi, Armando.

Yeah. How you doin', buddy?

Oh. Oh, shoot.

Hold on, let me call you back.

[Lenny grumbling]

[people chattering]

[soft music playing]

Hey, it's Lenny from Starmaker Publicity.

I'm sorry, I just don't see your name on the list.

Um, which film production are you with again?

I'm with the, um...

Um, you know me, I'm a big-time publicist, so...

- You said that. - I mean, well, you know,

I'm not some bozo that, um, you know, just...

I-- I'm sorry. I'm afraid I don't, um...

Okay, look. I can give you some money.

I mean, just a little bit. I mean, not now, but down the line.

Look, I find the right client, I cut you in on the profits.

Bing, bang, boom. We're somebodies.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Okay, well, wait, wait, wait. Okay.

I'll give you five dollars. Please.

Just let me on the lot, please.

Please let me on the lot. Please let me on the lot.

Please let me on the lot. Please let me on the lot.

[car engine starts]

[tires screeching]

[producer] What? What do you mean he won't get outta the trailer?

[assistant on phone] I don't know, he said he lost the character.

Ugh, you know what? I've had it with his method acting bullshit.

It's just all nonsense.

All he's gotta do is go hit the mark, say his words and that's it.

Spencer Tracy said that.

Good enough for him, that's good enough for me.

- Put him on the phone. - [assistant] I tried already.

He said phones weren't invented yet.

Trailers with air conditioning weren't invented yet either,

but he doesn't mind sitting in one of those all day.

- Fuck off. - Well, production's at a standstill.

- Fuck off! - They need you to think of something.

Please. Now.

Holy shit.

- [cars honking] - [tires screeching]

- [tires screeching] - [cars honking]

Oh.

Get in.

Come here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in.

Get in. You-- you speak English?

Come here, I got a job for you.

Come on, this is gonna be good.

Come on, I promise you. Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Oh, you should have brought some. That's okay.

[producer laughs]

[tires screeching]

[car honks]

[soft music playing]

[car honking]

Latte. Pronto.

- [tires screech] - Got it.

Get Booker a latte as fast as possible.

Updates?

Mr. Bingsley's still in his trailer.

- Sir. - Excuse me?

Remember to call him Sir Bingsley.

I don't want another episode like last time.

Sorry, Sir Bingsley's still in there.

We've been shooting second unit stuff,

but the rest of the cast is getting a little irritated.

Nobody's-- nobody's walked.

Chad Luxt went for a drive to blow off some steam,

- but he said he'd be back. - Is he sober?

- For now. - All right. Christiana?

She's fine. She's Skyping with the government of Uganda

about a charity visit or something.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

So, what's the plan?

Him.

- [TV playing indistinctly] - [Bingsley laughs]

[laughing]

[Bingsley spits, laughs]

- Look at that! - [knock on door]

- Sir Bingsley. May I come in? - [laughing continues]

[Bingsley] What the hell kind of highfalutin name is that?

I answer to one name and one name only...

and that's Billy the Kid.

Uh-huh. All right, Billy the Kid.

Okay, what-- Hang on,

don't drop the "Sir" part now.

- Excuse me? - Sir Billy the Kid.

I think that gonna suit me just fine.

Got kind of a nice ring to it, don't it?

How about you call me that from now on, all right?

Yeah, make an announcement to whoever all is out there, right?

It's Sir Billy the Kid from now on.

Listen to me, fuckface.

You're either a Sir and an actor from England,

or you're Billy the fucking Kid, but you can't be both.

[speaking gibberish]

No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm sick of this shit.

- I'm sick of it. - [laughs, spits]

Yappin' your fuckin' mouth, you ain't worth shit.

Take a look at this guy.

What about him?

He's a dead ringer for you.

This man don't look nothin' like me.

I mean, look at him. He's too short.

He's the exact same height as you.

He's just not wearing lifts like you do!

Hey, now you listen to me, all right?

I never worn a lift in my goddamn life.

You know what? I'm done. I'm fuckin' done.

I probably don't even know what a lift is

- 'cause they haven't been invented yet. - Stop.

- Stop the shit. - Stop and cut the shit.

Don't think I'm not gonna take him into makeup

so he can finish the day for you.

Ooh! [laughing]

Yeah?

Now we rollin', big boss-man.

Now we rollin'.

And guess what, fuckface?

I'd like to see you try that.

Let's go. Let's go!

Okay, let's see what we're working with here.

- Oh, my God, it's a spitting image. - Oh, my God...

- You look exactly like him. - I don't see it at all.

- How are gonna do this? - All you have to do

- is just put some color on. - [overlapping]

You're actually way more attractive.

I would agree with that, actually. The bone structure.

But I don't see it at all, I don't see it all.

- You are always so negative. - You're crazy.

Would you help instead of hurting things?

- I just-- Over here. - Is this your first time?

- No, no, no, no, no. - Okay, let's sit back down.

Let's sit back down. You're stressing him out.

- Why are you moving your face? - Look at you, how gorgeous you are.

[producer] All right, so this is the sound stage. Real dirt.

That's the bank over there, that's the saloon.

So... Tony. Tony.

This is Tony London, the director.

This is the guy.

[indistinct chatter]

Fine.

Chad, Chad. Chad.

This is Chad Luxt.

Okay, he plays Black Bart, the other lead.

I understand you're from the streets, hmm?

Mad respect, bro. Mad respect.

Word. All right. [chuckles]

He's a character.

Uh, and this is the great Christiana Dior.

I'm sure you know who she is. She's playing your wife,

the one that you're leaving for Bart's girl.

Nice meetin' you. Oh, right. Uh...

See, you ain't accustomed to seeing me like this.

I'm fixin' to stay in character.

[spits]

- Too short, ain't he? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna put him on an apple box.

[spits]

All right, as for you-- Hey, hey, hey.

As for you, Bart knows you're sleeping with his girl.

Your wife is ready to blow her brains out,

so what I need from you is give me a--

"This is such a mess."

That kind of look, that-- that kind of feel.

You got it? Yes or no?

Jesus Christ, can you even talk?

You don't know if you can talk?

- [Chad] Let's go, it's hot. - All right, just fuck it.

Do nothing.

- [Chad grunting] - Works for tons of actors.

- Take it, Tony. - [Chad continues grunting]

[upbeat music playing]

[huffs air] Fly. Fly like a bird.

- [exhales] - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ready? Say a prayer.

[Tony chuckles]

Right here, sir.

Nope, nope, nope. Right here. Just hold still.

[Chad grunting]

Right, I need you here. I need you here.

The guy won't stop moving.

No, it's fine.

[production assistant sighs, grunts]

Up on the box, please, sir.

Stay, no, right there.

- On the box. - On the box, buddy?

Got him? Fine.

- On the box. - On the box.

Right there.

All right, just be yourself now. Be yourself. Come on.

Just connect your emotions with the suffering of the streets.

[breathes deeply] Feel me? Hmm?

I'm gonna come at you hard, bro. I'm gonna come at you real hard.

Stay on the box. Right here. Good.

Come on, let's spin 'em.

32-A, take one.

- [Chad grunts] - [Tony] All right.

And... action.

You think you can mess with my girl, Billy?

You get him, Bart.

He's a cheatin' sack of shit as it is.

You think you're fast, but I'm faster.

You wanna get to know my blade?

You wanna get to know my blade?

- He's looking right into camera. - Just keep rolling.

You wanna-- You wanna get to know my blade? You wanna?

Do you want-- What is the line?

- "And you will know the other." - [spits] I don't need the line reading.

- Also, it's a stupid line. - Just say the goddamn line,

- will ya? - It's a terrible line.

The line is terrible, okay? I don't wanna say it.

I'll say it for you if you can't figure out how.

- No, I know how to say it. - Talkin' about your gun.

- No, I know what... [mumbling] - In case you didn't read the script.

- Maybe you should go home... - [Tony] Try not looking

at the camera on this one?

- Yeah, you. - Terrible line.

- Come over here. Step... - Marker.

And, action.

- [Chad] You think you can mess... - [Tony] Right into camera.

It's his first time doing this.

[Christiana] He's a cheatin' sack of shit as it is.

Over there. Over there. There.

All right. Can we-- Can I just go back?

[Tony] Put him back on the box.

- Take three. - And, action.

[Chad grunting]

- There we go. - Four.

- [Tony] Action! - I'm feelin' good now. Feelin' good.

- Can I just go back? - [Tony] Yes. Uh, take it from the top.

Take five.

You gonna step in line and get the blade,

or you gonna get the...

- What-- what is the line? - Just the word "other"!

[sighs]

[Chad] The other.

- Oh. - Twenty.

- [Tony] Action. - You think

you can mess with my girl, Billy?

You get him, Bart.

- [Chad] Hmm? - He's a lyin' sack of shit as it is.

- Cut his tiny little balls off. - Oh, shut up, you.

Hey, don't improv.

- You don't improv. - How many fucking times?

We're over lunch by an hour. All these extras are in pain and...

[Tony] Rolling. Action.

Now, you should step in line and get the blade...

[tense quirky music playing]

- The other. - I hate you, Billy!

- [yells] - Bang, and cut!

[buzzer blaring]

[Chad] Hey, hey, hey.

- You gotta breathe. - [Tony] We're going to go again.

Latte, pronto.

Good work.

Excuse me, Mr. Pronto. I'm a publicist for the, um...

Can I call you Latte?

- Is that your name? - Oh, my God, I love that name.

- Amazing. You are. - I had no idea!

A lot of big stars are going by inanimate objects these days.

Stepping in. Uh, we're at lunch, folks. That's lunch.

- Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah. - Aww.

I'm gonna take Latte Pronto if you need us.

- [chuckles] - I'm sorry. Who?

Oh, oh, no, it's, uh, Latte Pronto.

He's the star of-- Yeah. Latte Pronto.

- Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Pronto. - Oh. [stammers]

I will write that down.

- Oh, that's okay. - It's okay.

You're doing great, you're doing awesome.

- So sweet. - No, you guys are so sweet.

Are you kidding me? You've just been so great in expediting everything.

- Thank you. Okay, I'm so sorry again. - Oh, it's okay.

All right, see you guys at lunch.

- We'll be on the lot. - See you at lunch.

- Absolutely, thank you. - See you there.

- Bye! - Thank you so much.

- She's disgusting. - She is the absolute

- worst person on this Earth. - I can't stand her.

Are you kidding me? "It's time for lunch."

[Lenny laughing] Right here.

Hmm.

Mm...

Wow. Latte Pronto.

You and me are gonna do big things, pal, I can feel it.

Look, that guy's the head of the studio over there.

All his teeth are fake, by the way. I'll say hi later.

Oh, see her? The one who looks like a model?

Don't look. She's actually a prostitute.

- Hi. - Hi. Let's do two of the salmon salads--

Hold the salmon 'cause of the mercury.

No cheese or fatty nuts of any kind on there, please.

Oh, balsamic on the side-- Actually, scratch that. No dressing,

just the lettuce rinsed thoroughly with Evian water, we're gonna split that.

Oh, and five energy drinks. You want any? Oh, and take this away.

What, are you trying to kill us?

Who still serves bread at a restaurant?

Might as well feed us a pack of cigarettes.

- You don't smoke, do you? - [cell phone ringing]

Well, hang on. That's the production. Hello?

Yeah, I'm with Mr. Pronto.

Wait, what?

Slow down. What? What?

Okay.

I'll let him know.

- [cell phone thuds] - [sighs]

Great news, Latte. Sir Bingsley's dead.

As some of you may have heard,

Sir Thomas Kit Bingsley

died a few hours ago.

- [murmuring] - [woman] Died?

[man] Who? What? How is...

Of course, there's gonna be

a complete autopsy eventually,

but it appears that he asphyxiated himself,

presumably while trying to find some truth

for the big hanging scene we're shooting tomorrow.

The asphyxiation may also have been...

autoerotic in nature.

- [all exclaiming] - Now, that makes sense.

We, we-- we don't know and-- and it's all very unclear.

Uh, but I think it was.

- Wow. - Well, that was stupid.

Now, I'd like to take a moment to speak towards

what-- what Tommy would've wanted.

He, of course, would say,

"Let's stop filming, can the entire movie."

- What? That's crazy. - Yeah.

No, no, we gave it a go. You know, we tried.

But you all know and would agree,

Tommy was a fuckin' asshole.

- Yes. - Well...

- Yeah, he was. - He was a bit of an asshole.

- [all chattering] - That's the long and short of it.

But we're gonna finish this movie

and we're gonna finish it with that guy.

[all chattering]

- [man] Oh, shit. - Oh, fuck.

[laughing]

Got no time to lose. Can't let them change their minds.

This is big time. Move outta the way. Move, move!

Stars coming through.

Hey, Latte. Welcome. Welcome to your team.

You got me, your agent.

I'll handle all incoming calls. I take ten percent.

Got your manager. He'll manage affairs.

Ten percent also. It's industry standard.

Got your business manager.

He'll manage business affairs. Five percent.

Got your lawyer, litigation, of course. Five percent too.

Got your publicist, you know him, we'll put him on a weekly.

Stylist. Weekly, also.

We got a personal assistant. She's hourly.

Plus, we got you an intern.

Good news is he's free.

- [whispering indistinctly] - Really? Hmm.

Well, I guess there's a law against that now, so you'll have to pay him too.

[Lenny] Ah.

Ah, Latte. Who's got your back, huh?

You know, the studio was gonna stick you in some hotel or apartment somewhere,

but I talked some sense into them.

Look at this spot.

It's perfect for you, Latte. Think about it.

You can look over the streets you once begged on.

Latte Pronto killing it.

- [distant sirens blaring] - [insects trilling]

[floorboards creaking]

[soft music playing]

[soft music continues]

[distant siren blaring]

[Lenny] Latte! What, are you trying to sleep out here?

What are you looking for? Drugs? That's no good.

Look, I can get you some if you need it, but we can't have that in the papers.

No, I've been following you all night.

I was parked outside your house,

waiting to take you to set tomorrow,

but enough is enough, buddy.

Gosh, you gotta be on set in two hours. You're gonna be exhausted.

I mean, I like a good walk as much as anybody,

but let's not make a habit out of this, okay?

- Walking around the street? - Walking around outside?

- The streets of LA? - You could've been mugged.

That's insane. Nobody walks in LA.

Have the studio call a car for you.

- Are you serious right now? - [overlapping]

Looking really-- it's looking blotchy on this side.

- On this side... - Wake up.

- Oh, my God, this is insane. - [knock on door]

Oh, I'm sorry, are you knocking on the door again?

- Wow, wow. - He just got in the chair!

I need you not to rush me, all right? Where is the wig?

[Tony] Cameras rolling.

Action.

[Christiana] Don't leave me, Billy.

You leave me, Billy, I swear to God, I'll blow my brains out.

Christ. He can barely keep his eyes open.

Just keep rolling.

Latte. Open.

Open. Eyes open.

I mean it, Bill.

What does that other girl have on me, huh?

Is it the tobacco? 'Cause I can quit that.

[Tony] Why is he smiling?

There's nothing in the script about smiling.

I-- I know there's nothing in the script.

Look, he's about to leave his wife, right?

And I can't have him smiling! [grunts]

Latte. Latte, no. No, no smiling.

The script says, "Look sorrowful," so...

[producer] Just do nothing!

It doesn't say do nothing. It actually says, "Look sorrowful,"

- if you have the sides. - Elaine?

- I'm just gonna... - [Tony sighs] Oh, God...

Bill, is it my clothes?

My hair? Is it the fact that we's cousins?

He's blinking now.

Look at... [sighs] Look at her.

Look, look, look at her.

Her. Yeah, yeah, look at the-- the pretty dirty lady.

Yes!

Have it your way, Billy. I hate your guts, anyway.

Now she's doing it. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[sighs] Cut!

- [buzzer blaring] - [Tony] Moving on.

I think we got it.

[people chattering]

Are you ready for this next bit?

I'm gonna come at you hard, bro. You better start stretchin'.

Stretch 'em out now. Stretch 'em out.

[Chad grunts]

[grunts] Fuck. Ugh.

[snoring]

That's what you get.

[spits] Dumbass.

[tense dramatic music playing]

[Chad] How did that feel?

I'm gonna kill you, Billy, you no good, woman-stealing sack of shit.

Hmm?

- Yeah, that's it! - More pain.

- Harder! Harder! - More pain!

Come on, now, get on up there.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, it's great. Yes!

Yeah. Messin' around

- with another man's wife. - [Tony] Excellent!

- More struggle. - [Chad] There's rules.

There are rules to this, Billy.

- You gonna pay the price now. - More pain!

- More pain, it hurts! - [Chad grunting]

Nice, huh? That's nice and tight, huh?

Yeah. Now, how that feel?

- That's it. Perfect. - [Tony laughs]

Can I get you a coffee, sir?

Or did you wanna sit? Let me get you a chair.

Hey, bud. How you feelin'?

Whoa, whoa, wait. Hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

You were good. You were good, I felt the fear.

It was palpable.

Yeah, I go half method these days, yeah. [chuckles]

Used to go full method.

But, uh, you know, some people got hurt.

Not me.

[clears throat]

Kinda like Tommy, you know.

Couldn't handle it.

Amazing how much you look like him, huh?

It's like, it's truly remarkable.

[chuckles] It's uncanny.

Can I get you guys some chairs, or--

No, no, no. We're good. We're good.

Hey, I just want to tell you that I dig what you're doing.

Really, I just think, like, words are overrated.

You know? They're such crutches for us as actors.

- Can I get you guys some chairs? - No. We're standing.

You know, Spielberg said that you should be able to watch a movie

with the sound off if it's...

Hey, guys. Got those chairs for you--

Get 'em outta here.

You know, sometimes I'll go to the movies

and I'll plug my ears. Yup.

I'll even go the extra mile and close my eyes too.

[inhales deeply]

Yeah. You know, to really experience something,

you have to completely shut it out.

I did that with my ex-wife too.

Yeah, didn't talk to her or look at her for a month once.

She didn't get it at all.

Hey, I'm throwing a party tonight.

You'll love it. But, uh, I'll give you a ride.

I'm gonna go do some push-ups. Get jacked for this one. Ah.

[clears throat] I got your chair, Mr. Pronto.

They're ready for you, Mr. Pronto.

[tires screeching]

[upbeat music playing]

Have some of that.

James Dean died right over there.

[engine revving]

[Chad] Terrible tragedy.

Except I got the big brake kit in this baby. Watch it go.

- [engine revving] - [laughing]

Yeah, motherfucker!

Hold the wheel. Stay straight, stay straight.

[tires screeching]

Where the fuck is it?

- [gun clicks] - [laughs]

- [gunshots] - [Chad yelling]

Whoo! Yeah!

[yelling, laughing]

[sizzles]

- [glass shatters] - What the fuck?

That was a fresh fuckin' drink, douchebag!

Ugh, Christ. Who the fuck does that?

This party sucks. And this house sucks.

Hey, have any of you seen my boyfriend?

Hello? No one? None of you have seen Greg?

Awesome. Thanks so much for nothing.

Where is my boyfriend?

[gasps]

- Chad, hi. - Hey.

- Your house is so sick. - Cool.

Got a boyfriend?

- No, Mm-mm. - Nice.

- Hm. [giggles] - You good? Have fun.

[Lenny] Great party, huh?

[laughing] Yes.

You lookin' for representation?

Okay, all right. I got my eye on you.

You ever heard of Latte Pronto? [laughs]

- [sniffs] - [Lenny] You will. [laughs]

Um, yeah, so, like, I was doing, like, gluten-free,

you know what I mean, for like a year, but that's actually, like, bullshit,

so I pretty much just switched up and--

[objects clattering]

Like, you know, I'm doing, like, a raw diet now,

so it's like back to basics.

- Like, nothing cooked? - [sniffing]

No, no. It's like total--

- It's total, like, caveman style. - [woman] Mm-hmm.

Like, you know, like going back to before they, like, pump food

with all these sorts of chemicals and shit and, like,

before everybody, like, burnt out all, like, the healthy nutrients in food

by, like, cooking everything.

[woman] Yeah, but didn't they die at like 30 years old?

[man] That's a common misconception.

That's a common misconception, like--

like, there's a lot of, like, conflicting data on that.

- Like, like... - Oh.

- [glass shatters] - [sniffs]

- Come on, dude. - Seriously?

[jukebox whirring]

[man laughing on record]

♪ Wipe out ♪

["Wipe Out" by The Surfaris playing]

♪

Probably learned that on the streets.

Full service, full stop. I do it all.

I get you movies, I get you TV, I get you talk shows,

I get you social media. I get you all the hits and all the lights.

You know who Latte Pronto is? Nice stripes.

- [music continues muffled] - [water bubbling]

[water splashing]

[soft ethereal music playing]

[soft jazz music playing]

[Christiana] I don't know why I subject myself

to Chad's dreadful parties.

They're full of nothing but sycophants and philistines.

You're different, though, Latte.

You're not like most men, are you?

You have a secret past.

There's pain in your soul. I can see it.

I was watching you at the party.

You didn't fit in.

I saw you dance and I loved it.

Stay.

It reminded me of the tribal wedding challenge

of the ancient Aztec princess's suitors.

The suitors would all dance to impress her

and then the winner would get her hand

and then the loser would get fed to poisonous snakes.

You may never be able to tell me your secrets, but...

maybe I can feel them.

Make love to me, Latte.

[glass shatters]

[drunkenly] I'm gonna be a huge star!

Gonna be huge.

I wanna be a huge star.

[match flicks]

[soft music playing]

God, that was wonderful.

I felt so much... truth.

You have a tender heart. I love that.

You can't find that in a man anymore.

Hmm. Can I tell you a secret of mine?

My real name isn't Christiana.

It's Mildred.

Mildred Lumpshitz.

Terrible, right? [chuckles]

I think we should get married.

[guests clapping and cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Honey, over here.

- Oh, how wonderful to see you. - Oh!

Latte Pronto!

Oh, this is a huge move for you, Latte.

Very big. Publications are going nuts with a capital Z. [chuckles]

There's paparazzi everywhere.

All the talk shows, magazine covers, whole nine yards.

- [airplane whirring] - [thunder cracking]

[pilot] Now, this cluster of tropical islands

is actually made up of over 500 separate islands.

It really is the ideal place to honeymoon.

Is it safe to be flying?

Oh, uh, no. Normally, I would never fly in this,

but I am such a big fan of yours.

- [thunder cracks] - Oh! Oh, fuck.

- [Lenny] Oh, my God! - [jeweler] I said be cool.

- That one, that one. [giggles] - That's a very nice choice.

- One of my favorites. - [exclaims]

Oh, I'm gonna engrave "Publicist",

right there along the side.

- You're gonna engrave what? - Publicist.

- You sure about that? - Yeah, I'm very sure.

- Fine, it's your money. - Yes.

[dramatic quirky music playing]

We're very excited to adopt.

We just-- We have so much

and it's so important to us to give back.

Oh, I wish we could take them all.

[laughs]

- No. - [Lenny] Oh, check this out.

Got myself a bracelet. [chuckles]

Solid gold, this is.

Yeah, I had "Publicist" engraved on it and everything.

Latte, things are looking up for us, pal.

Up, up, up. Life is good, my man. Whoo!

- [Christiana] Terrible. - [kids crying]

What season is it, though? I'd prefer not to do any winter stuff, if possible.

Honey, let the nannies.

"Christiana and the late Sir Bingsley is palpable,

but it is not until the role is taken over by Mr. Pronto

that the pair truly becomes electric.

Latte is often seen looking directly into lens..."

"Christiana also appears at moments to be breaking the fourth wall as well.

Perhaps this is the most powerful moment of all,

husband and wife torn apart on film

and brought together in life looking to us and saying..."

"Feel our connection." This is huge, pal.

Plus the kids? Great move, man. We are killing it.

- [audience applauding] - But I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I don't think I'm gonna fit in your shoes."

[all laughing]

- Oh, yeah. [grunts] - [Eddie] You wouldn't fit in his shoes.

Okay, let's-- let's give him a warm welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, Latte Pronto.

[audience cheering and applauding]

- [Barney] I think he's stuck. - [Eddie] He might, he might be.

- [Lenny laughs] - [Barney] Come on. Over here.

- You might need to do some fishing. - Should I reel him in?

- Yeah. - Should I get him in there?

- [Barney] Hey, oh! - [mimics fishing reel]

[both laughing]

[Eddie] He's going the wrong way.

[audience laughs]

- [Eddie] Oh, there we go. There we go. - [Barney] There we go. [laughs]

- [Eddie] It's slow going. - [Barney] He's here.

- It's slow going. - [both laughing]

- [Barney] I'll get the net. - Come on. Get the net. [laughs]

- He's gonna get the net. - [all laughing]

I'll cut the line, I'll cut the line.

- Go! - Snip!

[Barney] There we go.

[audience applauding]

Oh! Latte.

Latte, tell me, man,

you have got a big film premiere tomorrow night.

You gotta dress to the nines, do it all up.

Tell me something, buddy. Does that make you a little nervous?

[objects clattering]

- [all laughing] - [upbeat percussive music plays]

[soft dramatic music playing]

- [indistinct chatter] - [cameras clicking]

[overlapping chatter]

Latte, what are you wearing?

And, Latte, what is your wife wearing?

And, Latte, I saw an early screening of the movie, Latte,

and I don't wanna give anything away,

but I do have one burning question.

What are you wearing?

Actually, um,

I'd like to tell you what I'm wearing.

[soft music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Congrats, you two. It's a big night. Big night.

- You look beautiful. - I'm thrilled.

This is just fantastic.

- Do I know you? - Oh, "Do I know you?" [chuckles]

[audience applauding]

Whoo!

Whoo!

[Billy laughing maniacally]

Now, why is it when most folks see me,

they just see some funny little kid?

Man, I never understand that.

I mean, hell, I don't know.

I guess people just see what they wanna see, don't they?

[spits] Don't bother me none.

I don't pay no never mind.

Because you know what I see when I see them?

Dead people. [laughing maniacally]

- Oh, wow. - [laughing maniacally]

My name's Billy! Billy the Kid!

- [gunshots firing] - [Lenny chuckles]

- [fireworks exploding] - [upbeat music playing]

Fantastic stuff. Really great work. And from what I'm hearing,

- you were the audience's favorite. - Really? Really?

- I sensed it was good. Yeah. - Oh.

- Yeah, I wanna hear specifics. - Oh, tons of specifics.

Oh, my gosh. I got a whole list from the test...

Amazing. Tony, the way you have them look into the camera?

- Oh, thank you. - Ah, don't you try to take credit for that.

It was my idea. Thanks.

Christiana, it's so good. You look amazing.

- Look at you. Oh. - Oh, are you sure?

- I feel like my eyes are looking old. - No, very young eyes.

- Very young eyes. - Mark? You have an eye lift guy, right?

Oh, the best.

His work is just so natural.

Like, look at me...

Latte, oh, my God.

You are testing through the roof.

People loved you.

You got in there at the sweet spot

and you scored big.

I hate to say it, you won this thing, pal.

We have so many things planned for you.

- Things are already... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, I'm his junior agent.

Junior agent?

Yeah, pretty much senior agent,

but junior right now as a placeholder.

So, where's his senior agent?

Oh, she's with all the top guys.

You should not go over there.

Wait, Latte's a top guy.

Of course he's a top guy.

No, I'm not saying he's not a top guy.

Wait, you're saying he's not a top guy?

- [Lenny] No. No. - Latte, that's not something

- you should stand for. - Latte, that's not what I'm saying,

- No, no, no. You're a top guy. - You're a top guy.

He's putting words-- Excuse me.

Can you excuse us for a second?

Yeah, absolutely, I'm making a laugh, anyways.

Wow. Oh, my God,

the nerve of that guy. It starts with this.

They get the junior agent, they sink their claws on you

and they try to steal you away from me

and then they dump the whole team starting with me.

- I am not replaceable. - Excuse me.

- Is there a problem here, sir? - I am not replaceable.

- Sir, calm down. - I am not replaceable.

- I need you to calm down. - Latte, I need to hear you say it.

- Sir, if you can't calm down... - Say you won't leave me.

- ...I'm gonna have to ask you-- - Sir, don't talk to me right now.

- This is a private conversation. - Calm down right now,

- or I'm taking you out of here. - I'm his publicist,

- he's the star of the movie. - Okay,

you're out. You're done--

Stop it, no, I'm not leaving.

You're done here, let's go.

- Get your hands off of me. - Can I get some back up?

I'm gonna get you kicked out. Get your hands off of me!

No, I'm a somebody. I'm a somebody!

I'm a somebody! I'm a somebody!

I'm a somebody, I'm not a nobody.

I'm a somebody.

I'm a somebody!

No! No!

I'm a somebody!

I'm a somebody!

No! I'm a somebody!

[Christiana] Well, I don't know what that episode was, Latte.

[sighs] It was so selfish of you to do that on my big night.

You caused quite the disruption.

[sighs] I can't have negative press, you know?

Nations full of decrepit children

depend on my pristine image.

I want you to see my shaman.

She does anger management through spiritual journeying.

She'll put you on a heavy herbal regiment

and clean out some of your toxins.

You're full of toxins.

[sighs] And there's a raw food diet

that cleanse some of your negative energy

and just general bad attitude.

[soft music playing]

Sorry about last night.

Oh, I can't believe he didn't know who we were.

What a jerk.

Man, is he gonna eat crow

when my name is in lights one day.

[sighs]

Thank God I'm a nice guy.

Thank God.

Ah.

Okay, some good news and some bad news.

Good news first. Did you ever hear of Lex Tanner?

- Oh! - Okay, I'll fill you in.

Fast Racer, Fast Racer 2,

- Fast Racer Shanghai. - [Lenny] All classics.

Okay, Latte. Cheer up, buddy.

This guy is the best in the biz, and he's gonna be directing Mosquito Man.

Or is it Mosquito Boy? Doesn't matter.

It's one of the lesser-known comics, really.

But the point is, they're thinking if the movie hits,

they can add the character to the Quester movies

and he wants you, bud.

[gasps] Oh!

[agent] I'm sending you to meet him at his home in Bel Air.

- This is huge. - Ee! Ah!

You score in this and home run, pal.

- Game, set, match. - Latte Pronto, you are killing it.

- Could you just please let me-- - Sorry.

You're killing it, pal.

[manager snoring]

- [whispering indistinctly] - Right, the bad news.

Apparently that security guard you punched is suing you.

I guess you tweaked his neck or something.

[snoring continues]

[gate clanking]

[soft mysterious music playing]

- [car squeaks] - [intern] This is the place, Mr. Pronto.

Go ahead and hop on out.

[soft mysterious music continues]

They told me I'm not allowed to stay, Mr. Pronto.

[car engine starts]

[exhaust firing]

♪

[gate opens]

Greetings. Welcome to Lex Tanner's humble abode.

Please remove your shoes and come inside.

[shoes thudding]

Lex is known for his great charitable deeds.

And his awesome heroin connection.

He discovered me at an Arby's.

Uh, the tiles are a little hot.

Have a seat. Lex will see you in a moment.

[soft mysterious music continues]

[jug thuds]

[jug thuds]

[jug thuds]

[glass shatters]

[Lex chuckles] Hey!

Latte Pronto. Oh, shit, my man.

- [chair scraping] - Go ahead, take a seat.

Ah! Sorry to keep you waiting like that, dude.

Was dealing with some, uh, bank stuff, you know, just...

Anyway. Hey...

Maria! Sun!

- Yes? - Sun!

- What? - Sun!

Okay!

There you go. [chuckles]

Dude, I can't believe you're here, man.

Thanks so much for coming by.

Huge fan. Huge fan.

I love the shit you've been doing, man.

Breaking the fourth wall and everything,

and it-- it got me thinking,

got the old wheels turning,

that, you know, you look into the camera

with two eyes and the audience just, you know, they love it.

They love it, right? So, what if you had a thousand eyes?

'Cause mosquitoes got a shit ton of eyes, you know that, right?

I mean, can you imagine the audience's reaction

if you locked all those fuckin' eyes on 'em?

I mean, it'd be crazy.

Their brains would explode inside of their skulls.

It would just be like a fuckin' lava lamp in there

when they get MRIs. [laughs]

Yeah. Hey, come on. Lemme show you the house, right?

Maria, espressos!

Oh.

So if you have any questions, please, fire away.

Yeah, and all this wood is real, you know, I think so.

Oh, here, here we go. This is it. This, this right here?

This was a gift from Prince Harry.

Uh, I think it was Prince Harry.

The, you know, the ginger one.

Yeah, it, uh-- it was one of the original

Knights of the Round Table sword or somethin'.

Can't really remember, 'cause I wasn't listening

when he gave it to me, but, uh, yeah.

No, it's, uh, like one of three in the world.

A lot of the art in this joint is very rare.

- All has a story behind it. - [shatters]

Uh, I mean, you could literally take all day talking about it.

The house was built by Orson Welles.

I had to redo most of it though. The guy had terrible taste.

Olivia Newton-John lived here for a short time too.

She put in the disco room. Oh, dude,

I had the craziest Russian chicks in here the other day.

I mean, just insane. Yeah, I mean, Russians know how to party.

It's 'cause of all that snow they got over there, you know that, right?

Makes people insane. Yeah, Russians love me.

Putin actually asked me to be best man

at one of his karate tournaments.

Whatever that means.

I actually couldn't do it. Here, check it out.

- [door slams] - [lock clicks]

[Lex] Wanna go ahead, take a deep breath, relax.

[static hums on TV]

Namaste.

Focus your eyes on mine.

Three...

Two...

[whispers] One.

[camera shutter clicking]

There you go.

[Lex sighs]

- [dings] - I'm creating a book of celebrity photos.

You know, I feel like the mosquito isn't appreciated by people

because of the itchiness of the bite.

You know? But you gotta respect 'em, man.

I mean, they can fly around

with a tremendous amount of blood in their noses,

which is much more than I can say for you or me.

Hey, Maria!

- [cups clattering] - Maria?

Yeah?

- Which belt? - They're the same, yeah?

- Belt? - Yeah.

- Which belt? - Both?

Hmm, all right. I'll try it, yeah.

Okay, I gotta get to the bank. Maria.

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo...

Hop in, Mr. Pronto. They want us out of here.

- [upbeat quirky music playing] - [engine starts]

[exhaust firing]

Latte.

I'm going to the south of France for a few days.

I've been invited by Louis Ver,

the handbag designer, to stay at his villa,

and I'm taking the children.

I just think we need a little breather,

given your rage episodes and this whole lawsuit thing.

The shaman is out back waiting for you.

- [bells jingling] - [woman chanting gibberish]

[singsong] Look at me. Don't look at me.

Look at me. Don't look at me, ha!

Look at me in the face. Don't look away.

Do look at me.

Beige banana.

Beige banana.

Do you have any bananas?

I'm hungry.

[chants indistinctly, blows air]

- [drum pounding] - [chanting indistinctly]

- [thuds] - Good, we're done.

I really do apologize

for getting a little bit of wax in your eyeball.

So, today's session will be 6,000 dollars,

and, uh, for check writing purposes,

I know I told you my name is Mountain Bride,

but, uh, if you could make it out to Shelley Gube.

- We are mosquito people now. - [laughing]

- We sure are. - Isn't that right, Latte?

My psychic said it was gonna happen.

I knew we were gonna work together again.

- We are so excited. - Have you been working out?

We're so excited. You look so good.

You do, it looks like you've been in the sun.

- Have you gotten sun? You've gotten sun. - Yeah.

I feel like-- have you been using that--

- Which line? - Hey, boss?

I know you're waiting on number one to jump out of HMU,

but I want you to know that FX is all set and ready to pop, okay?

What the hell is this?

This is your tennis ball cannon, okay? We're set, we're ready to go.

I got your speed, I got your violence,

I got your velocity, I got all you can handle.

Okay, I thought it was gonna be like a--

Like a handheld thing so you can--

That's-- that's not what I was told.

Talk to your production designer. Watch your face.

But we're gonna be over here. I'm on 13. You tell me anything you need.

- All right? - Excellent. Thank you.

You look great in that hat.

Thank you.

[metal clanking]

Oh, um... Ugh, this is Victor.

He specializes in monster makeup.

He'll be applying your mosquito prosthetics,

- so good luck with that. - [woman 1] Just hold your breath.

- [woman 2] Wow. - [woman 1] Hold your breath.

[woman 2] You look like the Mosquito already.

[woman 1] It's almost on your face. Just count to three.

[rumbling]

[tense music playing]

Oh!

Okay, let's do this.

Okay, so, uh, here's the action.

You got tennis ball one.

That's gonna be Crow Man.

All right? Crow Man comes at you.

Ah! You duck.

Tennis balls two and three,

those are blasts from his bug spray cannons.

All right, they hit you. Okay, then I need a, you know,

"Oh, shit, I'm down. Crow Man's gonna eat me," kind of face.

And that's when you do your eye thing right to the camera.

You ready? Here we go, folks.

And playtime.

- [ball fires] - [ball thuds]

Okay, let's-- let's do it again.

Again, you gotta duck. All right, buddy?

Just don't let it hit you. Just, you know, avoid it.

- Gotta get down, big time. - No, that's all right.

I got it, I'll direct him, if you don't mind.

All right, this one's coming real quick, real quick,

so get ready to duck. All right, ready and playtime.

[ball fires, thuds]

- Playtime! - [ball fires, thuds]

- And playtime! - [fires, thuds]

- All right, now you hit him. - [firing, thudding]

[Lex] More, more juice. Come on, hit him harder!

More speed. Faster, faster!

You're likin' it now. Right, tell your talent

- to slow down a little bit. - Playtime!

Ugh! Cut! Nose came off, Victor.

[buzzer blaring]

- [machine whirring] - [woman 2] You're like cool-going.

[man] You look so good.

Okay, okay.

This is gonna get really bad.

- [saw buzzing] - Oh, God. [laughs]

- [overlapping chatter] - Ooh!

All right, Latte, here's the deal.

We're gonna help you out with the choreography now, okay?

So, uh, let's get ready.

[rope reeling]

- Here we come. - [launcher cocks]

- And playtime. - [ball fires]

- [ball thuds] - [ball fires]

[firing, thudding]

And playtime. More speed. Come on. Beautiful!

- [balls firing] - [rope reeling]

- And cut! - [buzzer blaring]

All right, that's a wrap for today, everyone.

[indistinct chatter]

Latte. Energy drink?

Nope? Good news, bud. I got you into the Sexism magazine party. [laughs]

I think that's what it's called. Sounds wrong now that I'm saying out loud.

Anyway, big-time publication, classy stuff,

and I'm pushing to get you on the cover, but it's tough.

They normally go for a monster set of cans.

Okay, we gotta roll, hmm?

Oh.

Let's go.

["Nights On Broadway" by Bee Gees playing]

[speaking loudly]

[insects trilling]

- [engine revving] - [gunshots firing]

[Chad sighs]

Oh. [clears throat]

- Oh, shit. - [zipper zips]

- [belt jangling] - [rat squeaking]

I just pissed on a rat.

Oh, man, I love it down here. [inhales]

I can just see the air.

[sighing]

Parties, man, they're so cliché.

Like words.

You want some?

[sighs]

Yeah, it's real small batch stuff.

[clears throat]

Yeah, I made it myself.

I'm into that, yeah.

[sighs] Sustainable indoor farming.

Oh, and gold.

Yeah, I got pockets full of it, yeah.

Want some?

Yeah, here.

Yeah, I make rings and bottle openers and whatever, yeah.

Keep it, keep it. That one's, uh...

That one's, uh...

I think that one's a paperweight, I think. Yeah.

- [camera shutter clicks] - [paparazzo] Chad, Latte! Over here!

[grunts] These fuckin' guys. Hey, man.

Hey, man, you think I'm some--

You think I'm some animal in the zoo

you could just take a picture of?

- [paparazzo] Easy! - Huh? Is that what you think?

- Get off me, man. I'll sue. - Huh?

- What am I, just a cow in the zoo... - Get off me!

...you can take a picture of?

- Moo! - Get off me, man. Get off me.

Moo!

Moo!

Moo!

- [camera shutter clicking] - [indistinct chatter]

[officer] Okay, now face your right.

Nope, sir, face the camera.

Nope, sir, we're not done.

[groovy music playing on radio]

[Lenny sighs]

Look, I'm not mad at you.

I get it.

[brakes squeal]

You gotta let off some stream.

You know, sow your wild oats.

But do not blow this for me!

I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.

No, look, I'm your guy.

I got your back no matter what.

No matter what.

I'm always on your side.

So, Latte, what are you, big time now? You a hotshot?

- Don't be a hotshot. - Shh.

I-- I don't wanna deal with your macho shenanigans.

Listen to me. These outbursts, they gotta stop.

- They gotta stop. - Shut up.

The head of the studio, he's coming down here

right now to chew you out.

- This is a problem. - This isn't good, Latte.

Just stop it. This is not good.

They are mumbling about replacing you.

- Are mumbling about replacing you-- - Just shut up!

You!

Now you listen here, you...

- [whispers indistinctly] - Latte.

All right, we can't be missing shoot days on...

[whispers indistinctly]

...the Mosquito Man because...

- [whispers indistinctly] - ...Boy, Mosquito Boy .

I mean, we've already spent, uh, two million...

Two million...

- [whispers indistinctly] - Two hundred million

fuckin' dollars!

And I'm not gonna spend one more cent on your dumbass

macho bullshit, understand?

[tense music playing]

- [whispers indistinctly] - What?

[whispers indistinctly]

Well, where's the fuckin' actor?

- [whispers indistinctly] - Right.

So don't just, you know, don't, don't--

[whispers indistinctly]

Right, don't waste our fuckin' money!

[elevator music playing]

[clears throat]

Hey, uh, Mr. Pronto,

I just wanted to introduce myself.

- I'm-- I'm your stand-in. - Ah.

I stand on, you know, your marks while they light the scenes.

It's a huge honor to meet you.

I really respect all-- all you, every--

your whole story of how you made it, honestly.

Thank you, thank you.

- You're a real inspiration to me. - Yeah.

- It's so cool to be... - Okay.

- ...in an elevator with you. - Yeah. We get it.

[elevator bell dings]

I'm just so impressed with your talent

and I respect the fights you get in and stuff,

- but I-- - Will you get away?

- Yes, sir, sorry. - Geez.

- [chuckles] Hey, there he is. - Hey.

Good to have you back.

Excuse me. Hey, uh, look,

I just wanna talk you through the stunt we're doing today,

and then I'll get you through hair and makeup and all that shit, okay?

- Good plan. - Hey, shut up, please.

Thank you. All right, come with me.

Okay, so, here's the scene.

You get chased up to this rooftop, right,

by, uh, Crow Man's henchman, right,

because you got the secret blood formula.

And it's inside your nose

or whatever the fuck, I don't know. But anyway,

you've been backed into this corner right here, right?

And-- no way out. What's gonna happen?

For the first time, this is when you sprout your wings,

you jump and then you fly.

Right? Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, don't worry.

Don't worry, no stress, okay? It's easy. All right?

All you gotta do is just go over and let gravity do the rest.

Latte, all the top guys do their own stunts.

- Mm-hmm. Will you fuck off, please? - Okay.

Yeah, thank you. All right, here, listen. This stuff is easy.

You know what? We'll rehearse one. You'll get a feel for it.

Hey, are my henchmen ready?

Okay, so, all right, here we go. And playtime!

- [actors shouting] - [dramatic music playing]

[weapons clanking]

[shattering]

[nurse speaking indistinctly on PA]

[monitor beeping]

There he is.

You're lucky to be alive.

Energy drink?

No? Okay.

There's someone here who wants to see you.

[sighs]

Latte, I can't actually see you.

I've had a little work done

and I have to wear these bandages

for another week or so, but...

I understand you're in terrible shape.

Well, I'm glad you're alive, I really, truly am,

but I can't take these wild emotional swings anymore.

You're getting arrested and then the lawsuits,

and now this attempt on your own life.

Well... [sighs]

There's no easy way to say it, but...

we're getting divorced.

I'm with Chad now.

- Where is he? - [Chad] I'm over here.

[sighs] Sorry, bro.

[Christiana] Take care, Latte.

Oh...

- [PA system beeps] - [indistinct PA announcement]

Bummer.

Well, look on the bright side.

They finished the film with your stand-in

and word on the street,

and I don't want you to get too excited,

is that it's the best movie in the history of filmmaking.

[sighs]

"One of the worst movies

in the history of filmmaking"?

"Latte Pronto's old tricks of breaking the fourth wall

grow older than a fossilized mosquito.

In this he sucks more than just blood."

Okay, guys, let's keep it going, huh?

I got you a second truck so it wouldn't take forever. Let's go.

What the hell's going on here?

- What are you doing? What is that? - Oh.

What's going on here, guys?

Hey, Latte, how you doin'?

Remember me? I'm your business manager.

Yeah, a little bit of bad news.

Uh, it looks like between the shamans, the divorce,

and your expensive lifestyle in general,

you-- you don't have any monies.

Isn't it your job to make him money?

You from the IRS?

No, I'm an intern.

Oh, well, then the answer is no,

it's my job to make me money.

That's what a job is. [laughs]

- Nice. - Yeah.

Do you need an intern?

[manager] I can't pay you.

[intern] Legally you'd have to.

Well, no, there's ways around that.

You got a lot to learn, kid.

You want the job or what, eh?

- Sure. - Ah, good move.

You're gonna do very well in this town.

Now, go get me a coffee and keep the receipt, okay?

[intern] Oh, no problem.

Take care, Mr. Pronto.

Latte, things turn around for you, you gimme a call, okay?

I'm your guy.

[Lenny] I think it's time we popped in on your agent

and let her know you're ready to get back in the game.

And there's nothing to panic about here, pal.

You're still an A-list guy, so let's keep our heads up, right?

Hi, I'm here with Latte Pronto to see his agent.

Oh, I'm sorry. She's in a meeting.

We can wait.

Well, she has a lot of meetings today.

How can you-- How do you know? What is-- You know what?

You can't do this. I'm here with Latte Pronto.

- Uh-huh? - Do you know who he is?

He's an A-list guy.

- Uh-huh, right. - No, he's an--

- He's an A-list guy! - Right.

You can't do this, and you know what?

I need to talk to your-- No, I don't-- We're going in.

Hey, you can't go back there!

- [door slams] - What the hell is going on?

This some kind of power play? Latte Pronto is an A-list guy.

He's an A-list and he wants to work,

so let's get cracking-- Wait, what is this?

Look, I would love to help you guys,

but between the fighting and the ODs,

and most importantly, the bad movie, the phone's just not ringing.

What-- You put him in that movie.

What do you want me to say? The phone... is not... ringing.

What the-- [grumbles]

Well, then call somebody.

Look, why don't you just lay low for a little while?

I'll call you if something comes up.

Right now, there's just nothing happening.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of a meeting.

You remember your stand-in, right?

Is this has-been gonna take up all my time?

Get the hell outta here, man. You make me sick.

You make me sick! You're why Mosquito Boy sucked.

You know what? We don't need you guys.

I'll get Latte a gig myself. You're fired!

[soft mysterious music playing]

Come this way.

Just down here.

[people shouting indistinctly]

- This one's mine. - [distant siren wailing]

I'm sorry, this place is a bit of a mess.

Just all about work these days.

Also, if I'm being completely honest, I...

I haven't made much money.

You're my first real client.

I'm from a small town in Northern Canada.

[voice breaking] I don't really have anyone back there.

Or here, for that matter.

Except you.

I'm so grateful to you.

[sniffles] You have no idea.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. [sniffles]

Let me finish. [sniffles]

Don't worry, pal. I'll get us back on top.

It's just baby steps. It's just baby steps. [mumbles]

I'll get you in front of that camera where you belong.

'Cause it only takes one good gig.

- [suspenseful music playing] - [indistinct chatter]

[soda can hisses open]

[sighs] Okay,

they're reducing the offer by half,

but they'll let you keep the mask.

I know I used your celebrity to get the gig,

but I'm starting to think it's for the best

that you stay anonymous.

Are you sure you don't need an energy drink? Mm.

Remember, it's not porn, it's erotica,

so just be yourself and try to have fun.

[woman grunts, sniffles]

Well, I can't afford the rent, Mr. Landlord.

But I'm sure there are some other ways I can pay you.

[chuckles]

Come on, big boy.

Let's see what we're workin' with here.

- Huh? Huh? - [bed squeaking]

Here. Here.

What the fuck, Lance? What is this?

[director groans]

Oh, yeah, oh yeah. You like that, baby?

You like watching your wife fuck the landlord

'cause your limp dick can't pay the fucking rent?

Okay. That was not a great idea.

Erotica, my ass. That was definitely pornography.

We should have tried to book a sitcom or a commercial.

No, we went too far, too fast.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Did they see your penis?

Oh, I can see the papers now.

Oh, it's the only thing in showbiz

you can't get away with.

They'll crucify you! We'll be ruined!

Mm, mm, mm.

Okay. Okay, we can put a good spin on this.

No, no. Ah, there's, uh...

I just gotta--

Oh, God.

- [thuds] - [can clattering]

[machine beeping]

Excuse me, Mr. Pronto?

Could I speak to you in the hall, please?

So, there's no easy way of saying this.

Could I take a selfie?

For my wife, really. She's a big fan!

This one is stable. I'll move him down to three.

I got a dead John Doe here.

Take him down to cremation. I'll start the paperwork.

- Oh, this is great. - [camera clicking]

Oh, this is perfect!

Sorry it's so many.

Maybe funny faces this time.

Mosquito Boy sucked!

Sorry about that.

Let's take a couple more pictures. Carol, come here!

My wife's gonna love this.

My whole family's gonna love this. [laughs]

Oh. Were you with the patient?

I'm afraid he passed.

We just sent him down to cremation.

I'm so sorry. You missed his final moments.

[machine beeping]

[soft emotional music playing]

Hello, is anyone there?

How are you feeling?

Alive. That's good, I guess.

That's everything.

Is there anyone here for me?

Hmm, there was a man, but he left.

He didn't come back.

Hmm... That makes sense.

I did him wrong, really.

I never should have pushed him that hard.

What was I thinking?

Erotic films?

I lost my mind.

I don't always see the big picture.

I need to be more observant to the needs of others around me.

[sighs tearfully]

I mean, you get that.

That's what you do all day, right?

Oh, she's gone.

[quirky music playing]

I'm sorry about the epitaph.

It was the only urn I had available in your price range.

On another note, I'm a huge fan of all your movies.

The big ones and the little ones.

Catch my drift? [clicks tongue]

[emotional music playing]

- [Lenny] Hey, Don. - [Don on phone] Who's this?

Oh, it's Lenny.

- [Don] Who? - Lenny.

What-- what number is this?

Oh, it's a new number. New cell.

No! I told you not to call me.

From that number. Yeah, but this is a new number.

- Don't call me from any number! - Okay.

I don't wanna talk to you anymore, Lenny!

- [Lenny] It's solid gold. - I can see that,

but you engraved that stupid saying on it

- and nobody is gonna want it now. - [grumbling]

Fine. I'll take anything.

- Nope, it's worthless. - Please.

Buddy, it is worthless to me.

Have some compassion.

- It's worthless. - I'm on my last legs.

- No! - I...

[somber music playing]

[helicopter passing overhead]

[car horn honks]

[somber music continues]

Keep in touch.

[somber music continues]

Latte, where are you, buddy?

Latte?

Latte...

Latte...

[crackling]

[man] Pronto, wake up.

Pronto, wake up! Wake up, Pronto!

It's me, the Dagger.

You're not safe here.

Come with me. Come on.

[dogs barking]

They watching us, man. They always watching.

[train horn blaring]

Come on, this way.

[quirky music playing]

There.

Welcome to my hideout.

The trains disrupt the government frequencies.

They can't listen to us here.

We can speak freely.

Now, I know you think what's been happening to your career

is accidental, or fate even.

But I'm telling you, everything is by design.

Climb a little too high

and they'll take you down eventually.

It keeps happening.

Bruce Lee, dead.

Brandon Lee, dead.

George Lopez? Where the hell is he?

Is he in that urn you're holding?

Inch by inch, they'll try to erase you from the record.

I should know.

It happened to me.

I was Kyle Tyson.

The biggest box office star in the world.

Millions of fans, with a seven-picture deal.

But I must have climbed a little too high.

But you know what? The joke's on them, man.

Because I had the realization.

They can take away the movies, and the cars, and the women,

but they can't take away the Dagger

because I am the Dagger!

And you're the Mosquito.

And I can prove it.

[quirky music playing]

See all these cars rushing here and there to work?

Watch this.

By Zeus's sword,

I summon the power of invisibility!

[truck honks]

[cars honking]

[tires screeching]

Look, they don't even see us. They're riding right past.

[cars continue honking]

You hungry?

Watch this.

By Odin's hammer, freeze these insubordinates!

[mysterious music playing]

[quirky music playing]

You want a bite?

You see? Look at that.

That's you.

Yeah, the Mosquito.

It's in the universe.

And what's this?

"When emotions get in the way of your cons.

Christiana Dior and Chad Luxt are Emoticons."

That look like shit, right?

Oh...

Hell, man.

See you later, Lopez.

Vaya con dios.

[emotional music playing]

Let's send him off here.

[birds squawking]

Lopez, you made us laugh, you made us cry.

Travel now down the River Styx.

May Zuul meet you at the smoky gates

with the power of a thousand daggers.

[birds squawking]

Damn, man.

My bad.

[coughing]

[choking, coughing]

Good thing you were here. You saved that guy's life.

Wait.

Are you Latte Pronto?

Oh. [chuckles excitedly]

Oh, my God, Alvie! It's Latte Pronto!

Latte Pronto. Huh?

[laughs]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

[sighs] Look, Lenny, you're just not on the list.

But you know me by now, Gandhi.

Yeah, but that doesn't put you on the list.

But you're not even looking at the list.

'Cause I know you're not on it.

Look, I'm sorry, you're right. Anything we can work out?

[sighs]

Hey, did you hear about Latte?

No. You know something about Latte?

They're giving him a key to the city. [chuckles]

Some guys got all the luck, huh?

[mayor on TV] In honor of his courage

and sense of civic duty toward his fellow man,

no matter what their place in society,

- it is with great pride... - Wow.

...that I present Mr. Pronto with this,

the key to the city of Los Angeles.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

Now, don't try to get in the City Hall with that.

It's purely symbolic.

- [chuckles] - [crowd laughs]

But all jokes aside,

I'd like to talk to you in earnest about running for office.

Let's grab lunch, huh?

I've had a good run.

But nobody wants to be mayor forever.

If you're not moving up in this world,

you're moving out, or over.

[chuckles] Or whatever the expression is.

That's why I'm gonna take a run at the Senate. [chuckles]

Now, I'm gonna need somebody to fill my shoes.

Somebody who's gonna endorse me, of course.

And someone who the people will love.

And that's where you come in.

Well, people love a comeback story.

If you can pretend to be a person in the movies,

you can pretend to be a person in life.

- [footsteps approaching] - [woman] Sorry, I'm late.

Did some quick polling. They love him.

They absolutely love him.

- Ah. - I've always been able to pick a winner.

Well, speaking of winners, Latte, this is Terry.

[Terry] We have a lot to do.

His image is fine,

but we have to figure out what platform he'll run on.

Oh, that's easy. He's for the people.

Well, every candidate is for the people.

That's why it works. [chuckles]

No. The people are ready for change.

How about, um...

Freeing America from its corporate grip?

He's the anti-big business candidate.

The-- the corporation killer.

I like that.

And, yes, he is for the fucking people too, for Christ's sake.

[both laughing]

[quirky music playing]

We'll be in touch, Latte.

You're gonna be great, Latte.

But I'm gonna need this back.

They're just for show.

Get in.

[suspenseful music playing]

[elevator bell dings]

[elevator bell dings]

[elevator bell dinging]

[dinging stops, door opens]

[suspenseful music continues]

[man groaning]

[Ed] I'm afraid my brother is under the weather, Mr. Pronto.

So, I will be speaking on his behalf.

You're a man of few words.

It is very hard to trust a man of few words.

It is hard to know where he stands.

So when he is selected, and believe me,

all men in your position are selected,

it is very disconcerting to discover that suddenly,

he is a man with an agenda.

He has traded in his cape for a cause.

He is a "corporation killer."

"Anti-big business."

He's for the people.

Some dissent is good.

You must allow some dissent.

But is that what "the people" want...

Mr. Pronto?

What do you know of the people, hmm?

For the people are bloodthirsty, Mr. Pronto.

They sit in the dark and sip syrupy sodas

like the blood of their enemies

while they watched hyper-realized versions of themselves

kill and kill and kill some more.

And do you know why?

Because it makes them forget.

It makes them stop asking questions.

Because we want to ask the questions.

Such as...

Who are you really, Latte Pronto?

Where do you come from?

What do you want, really?

Our little birdies couldn't find a thing on you,

and we find that most disturbing.

Most disturbing, indeed.

However, I do not need to know your true identity.

I don't need to know your past history

to know what it is that you really want,

because it is what I want.

It is what all men want.

That is why we crave fame, and power and money.

For what you want, what I want,

and what all men want

is the unimpeded expulsion of our jism!

[Don Cote groaning]

And when you seek to destroy

another man's fame, or wealth, or power,

you seek to eliminate the very tools

he has amassed to ensure that expulsion!

[bangs table]

My brother and I will not be robbed

of our ability to expel!

We will not have the flow of our natural desires plugged up!

Our fluid will not be forced to retreat inward!

So help me God!

[Don Cote yelling]

[dramatic music plays]

Latte! My man. It's good to have you back!

You're a hero. Everybody loves a hero!

Key to the city? Come on!

And great news.

Despite being a colossal critical failure,

Mosquito Boy did rather well overseas.

I guess, uh, mosquitoes are kind of a global irritant,

so people could relate.

I just feel like, at this point,

you need someone that gets you.

"I get Latte." You know?

And the first step-- 'cause you and I are gonna do big things.

So the first step for that is you gotta cut the rest of the team loose.

Cut ties. You and me are now doing big things.

We are out there. We are scared.

We don't have a plan, so we're thinking on our feet.

We're on our backs, thinking on our feet.

We don't know what these big opportunities are.

We just know that we have to get them.

And that-- that's what's so exciting about being--

being a young performer at this time.

Like, Latte, we want big things together.

What are you doing up there, bud?

Bud, we want big things, not this.

Bud? Hey, excuse me, bud? Bud, what are you doing, Latte?

Latte! Can't have you there! Latte!

Latte!

Latte!

Latte! Latte!

[emotional music playing]

[emotional music continues]

[client] Look, you gotta take him back.

Come on, you know you love him.

You know you need him. He's got what it takes.

Give us another shot.

Please.

- I thought you didn't need me. - Oh, but I do.

I do. And I'm willing to change. Big time, right?

Yeah. I want the Latte Pronto treatment.

Latte Pronto... [chuckles softly]

I don't know.

Fame, fortune, do they matter?

You really wanna be somebody,

I'd say find someone who really cares about you.

That's what really matters.

[emotional music continues]

Jumpin' Jesus.

Latte!

Latte, wait!

Latte!

Latte! Latte!

Latte, wait!

[bright orchestral music playing]

Latte!

Latte!

Latte.

Latte.

Latte.

Latte.

[panting] Latte, please. Just let me say one thing.

I'm sorry. [exhales]

I did you wrong. I see that now.

If there's something you need to tell me,

then just say it.

Say it.

I can handle it. I can change. Just let me have it.

Help me become the better version of myself.

Got it. Silent treatment. That's fair.

You probably hate my guts.

But listen, for what it's worth,

I don't care about the work.

I just miss you.

I just miss you.

'Cause I really love you, pal.

I mean it.

I... love you too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. [sobs]

Thank you.

[laughing]

What's this? For me?

[chuckles]

Is this for real, pal? [chuckles] It's just...

What am I looking at here? Is this...

Could be real. Yeah...

It could be a bunch of fool's gold.

You know?

You know what?

Forget it. We got each other.

You hungry? Come on, let's grab a bite to eat.

[soft music playing]

[music ends]