Original subtitles

Morning!

Morning, Helen. Hi, Helen.

Just gonna bring all these in.

It's intriguing.

Wonder what could be in them.

I wonder why you're three minutes late.

I'm a partner now, Viktor. You're not the boss of me.

I can do what I want.

And I'm doing a big announcement in the kitchen, 10:00AM.

Big announcement? Should I get a mud cake?

No, we don't need a mud cake. Then it's not a big announcement.

That's right, Mr Chen.

Big announcement - mud cake. Roz's rules.

Well, Roz doesn't make the rules around here anymore. I do.

Shall I tell Roz that? No, don't tell Roz that.

Just big announcement in the kitchen.

10:00AM.

You're gonna like it.

No mud cake?

No, thank you.

Well, I've had my suspicions for a while,

and this costume confirms it.

What? So, she gave me a free consultation.

That's her job. She's a fashion psychologist.

Yes, and what is that, exactly?

She helps you reveal your true self.

I mean, look at what she's uncovered here.

A 1970s maths teacher who can't afford socks anymore.

I'm wearing sockettes.

And, so, how long have you two been consulting?

Friends for three months. Benefits for three weeks.

Oh, good God.

Knock, knock! Just letting you know -

10:00AM in the kitchen,

big announcement.

Excellent. I could use some good news.

Turns out Raymond's been dating

one of the members of our networking group.

Oh, congratulations. Thank you, Fisk.

Gee, I like your skivvy, Ray.

I can't wear skivvies. They block my airway. I think my neck's too fat.

Anyway, 10:00AM - my first big announcement as partner.

Don't miss it.

Right, well, unfortunately, the rule is no romantic liaisons

within the networking group.

She's going to have to leave

and find a different Business and Breakfast chapter.

Why does Meli have to leave? Why is it always the woman?

Where's your female solidarity, Roz?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do YOU want to leave the networking group

that you and I spent years putting together?

No, I do not. I'll make the call.

Hello, my lady love!

All sorted, Rozzy.

I'm quitting the group.

Ah! Welcome, Roz.

Notice anything different?

Where's the mud cake? There's no mud cake.

Oh, could this day get any worse?

There's no mud cake!

No, 'cause I bought a proper coffee machine.

Fine.

Big announcement, courtesy of me.

There is now barista-grade coffee in our own office!

Let the maiden voyage begin.

And...

Ooh-ee!

Helen, what in God's name are you doing?

I'm grinding. I'm on the phone.

Oh, good. As you were.

Huh.

OK.

Let's go a doubler.

Fisk!

Fisk!

Hey!

W-a-a-a-h!

Helen! Whoa! Yay!

My first customer.

People are trying to work.

You can have this back at the end of the day.

I don't even care.

Good bean, fresh grind.

I like my coffee how I like my men.

Mm!

Bitter and slightly unpleasant.

Can you at least stay until after my webinar?

I can't cancel it.

No, you can't. You've had four sign-ups already.

I'm just gonna get my jug and then I'll be out of your hair.

I said end of the day.

Viktor's trying to resign.

What? Why? I mean, I don't care, but why?

Well, the judge has his book launch coming up.

Then he's going on a signing tour. He needs me to manage everything.

Oh, did you want something?

Just my jug. Well, Viktor said you can't have it.

I'll remind you I'm a partner now,

so, let's all be grown-ups and give me my jug back.

Also, Viktor's not the boss of me.

Not now, Helen.

Fine.

Hey, I...

At least tell me the teaser's finished.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh.

Hello.

I'm Rosalind Gruber,

founder and CEO of Conch Mediation Services.

Every day I help people resolve their problems just by listening.

A special kind of listening.

No, not with the ears,

but with the heart.

Oh.

Well, that has lifted my mood.

I am constantly surprised at how photogenic I am.

And I've had nothing done. Mm!

Fisk, I need to see you in my office.

Yeah, or maybe just take a seat here and we can talk in MY office

'cause I'm a partner now.

Why can't we ever meet in MY office?

Ooh, no jacket. Strong choice, Ray.

What? I'm a partner. Surely I have couch privileges now.

Alright.

So, because my new lady love...

Oh, Ray, don't say 'lady love'.

What do you want me to call her? My lover?

No. My beloved.

Yuck. My boo.

No. Ray's bey.

Definitely not. Go back to 'lady love'.

Fine. Point is I have to leave the Copeland BAB group.

What's a BAB again?

Business and Breakfast. Our networking group.

And I need you to take my place.

Oh, no thanks. Networking is not really my thing.

Well, clearly, but as you're so fond of saying, you're a partner now,

and do you know what partners do?

Sudoku? No.

No? They bring in new business.

And at the moment I'm bringing in 90% of new business.

90%? Really?

Yes, Fisk. How do you think I do that?

Networking. Correct.

And where do we network?

In the networking group.

Everywhere. Everywhere.

I'm always networking. Always.

I've always got the feelers out -

on the golf course, mahjong, toastmasters, the cycling club.

Sometimes I'll pop into the local paint and sip.

I often network in the sauna.

Sauna? Oh, come on.

Everybody's equal in the sauna, Fisk.

No expensive suits, just balls out, let's talk.

Oh, Ray, I can't even network with my clothes on,

let alone with my balls out.

That's what the networking group's for.

Once a month, all the professionals in the area get together,

talk turkey, swap clients, find out about any new clubs you can join.

Clubs? Yes.

Do you belong to any clubs?

Dog-walking club.

Is that a club or are you just telling me you walk your dog?

Maybe. But the reason we make such a good team

is because you like networking

and I like working.

It's the perfect business partnership.

I'm the worker.

You're the queen.

What? Like bees in the hive.

And Roz is the drone.

"Oh, Helen, don't go there. Why are you doing that?"

That right there is an example of how not to network.

Don't be banging on about bees in the networking group. Understood?

Got it. No bees at BAB.

Hey, Murray.

Oh, thanks for doing this.

No problem, Helen. Just being neighbourly.

How are you settling in? Yeah, good, thanks.

Listen, I spoke to the real-estate agent.

I found out how much you paid.

Oh, OK. That's a bit awkward.

They saw YOU coming.

OK. That's good to know.

What's with the crappy car?

I thought a big-time fancy lawyer with loads of money

would be driving, like, a Mercedes or a Beemer or...

I'm not a big-time fancy lawyer. I'm just a wills and estates lawyer.

Well, now, that's interesting. Let me run a hypothetical past you.

Could we maybe do it a bit later?

I just... I've got to get all this stuff inside.

I've got to walk my dog. Do you mind?

Forgive me for trying to share my grief.

I just lost my dad. I'm confused.

Is your dad actually dead or hypothetically dead?

He passed about a month ago.

Oh. I'm sorry for your loss.

Did you want a probate lawyer or...

Slow down, Fangio. Get your hand out of my wallet.

I just want a bit of neighbourly advice.

Did you want neighbourly advice or legal advice?

Porque no los dos?

I don't know that. Is it Latin?

Espanol.

Why can't it be both? You know, like the taco ad.

Right. Well, the problem is I can't give you specific legal advice

unless I'm your lawyer. There it is - the hard sell.

I knew that was coming.

Just forget it. I'll do it myself.

If you wanna take my card, pop into my office,

I'm happy to give you some free general advice.

Talk you through the probate process.

Et cetera, et cetera. Ooh.

Et cetera.

OK, well, the offer's there if you want it.

Give it here.

Thanks... Thanks for doing my lawn.

Yep.

That's the list. You got one member from each profession.

You got real-estate agent, accountant,

Stefan - financial advisor.

He's annoying.

There's a conveyancer, a chiropractor...

Is there a butcher? No.

Baker?

Candlestick maker?

Don't mock, Helen. It's a serious networking collective.

Well said, buddy.

Mediation - that's Roz, obviously.

Wills and estates - that's me.

You've got Meli, my lady love.

Congratulations. Very, very happy for you.

Thanks, buddy. She's a fashion psychologist.

Yeah, what is that exactly?

She helps you realise it's what's on the outside that counts.

Or something like that. Look it up.

Oh, spanner in the works.

The word's got out that Ray's leaving,

and now Debbie Lim AND Bob Stanley

have both put up their hands for the wills and estates spot.

Oh, shit. Oh, no!

There's going to be a vote. Oh, no, but it's your group.

Why does there have to be a vote?

You can just branch-stack it with me or gerrymander me in.

Not how it works, Fisk.

You have to verse all the other candidates.

Winner takes all - membership and bragging rights.

Oh, yeah, I'll be bragging for weeks.

Unlikely because you won't win with that attitude.

The vote's next week. We're having it here.

Oh, that's great, Helen. Home-court advantage.

Each candidate will have two minutes at the podium.

So, two minutes. Should I do a PowerPoint presentation or Webmaster?

Can you teach me how to use Canva? Oh, Helen, that's for babies.

Is it? I quite enjoy Canva.

No, there's no tech allowed.

Why not? It's old school.

To prove you can network,

you have to win them over with your personality and people skills.

Oh.

What?

Should we just concede? Throw our vote behind Bob?

I think so, yeah. Yeah.

I think that's the best thing. Hang on. No. I mean,

I don't really want to join a networking group,

but if it's important...

Is it important? Yes, it's important.

Every one of these 12 people refers their clients to me.

That's a lot of potential coin.

The ultimate quid pro quo.

Like the taco ad.

No, that's 'Porque no los dos?'

OK, Georgie, we're gonna need a photo and a quote for the banner.

Helen. What?

This is all your fault. Are you happy now?

I am happy, actually, Rosalind.

For the first time in a long time.

Uh...

I had some stuff on MY agenda.

Helen, your neighbour is here to see you for free.

Oh! Hey! Murray!

It's for free, right? That's what you said.

Yes, I did say that. And I said pop in any time.

So, come on, 30 minutes. Let's do it.

Free - you heard that. You're my witness.

I'm not paying for this.

No, you're not paying for this, Murray.

Nor am I giving you any specific advice

pertaining to your particular circumstances.

Oh, pertaining. I get it, Helen, you're a lawyer.

Yeah, but do you get that I'm not YOUR lawyer.

This is general probate advice only. OK?

So, I'm gonna give you a checklist.

Start the clock.

I want the full 30 minutes you just promised.

OK.

Has your watch got a timer? No, I was pretending.

But I did look at the time.

OK, so, here's what happened... No, I don't wanna know what happened.

That's a specific. I said general advice only.

But I need to know whether... No. Stop talking.

You're wasting your free 30 minutes.

Let me talk. OK? You shush.

Mm.

And I think that's it. We're all done.

But, I warn you, probate is a long and tedious process.

Good luck, sir.

We're not done. I've still got 10 minutes left.

Let me show you something. Is this about your dad?

Yeah. Turns out, before he died,

he was paying his gardener with IOUs.

There's 63 of them. Well, I can't look at those.

Don't look at them. I'll read them to you.

"I owe Felix Bandara $50, to be paid upon my death,

"for gardening service and sweeping."

Adds up to more than three grand.

OK, so?

Well, do I have to pay them? Are they signed and dated?

Yeah. Are you the executor?

Yep. Well, then I would say probably yes.

Probably?

But not definitely?

So, what you're saying is...

..it's a grey area.

What I'm saying is I'm not your lawyer,

I don't know the specifics,

therefore I can't give you legal advice

one way or the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get it, you can't confirm or deny.

Whatever. Bz! Bz! Bz! Bz! Bz! Bz!

Oh, that's my pretend alarm going off. That's our time.

Last chance. Do you need my help?

Do you want to engage me as your lawyer?

Nuh.

Find some other sucker to fund your next real-estate purchase.

Good luck, Murray.

Oh, no, buddy, don't go here.

Don't go here.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

I hope you're gonna pick that up. Yep.

I might just wait for it to leave his bum hole first, if that's OK.

Righto.

And don't put it in my bin.

Whatever, mate.

Sit still and put that hat back on your head, please.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Hi. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Now, what can I do for... Oh, take-your-son-to-work day.

That's fun. G'day, champ. Ignore him, please.

So, I understand you represent Murray Trumble.

What? No. I don't represent Murray. He was very clear about that.

Well, that's not what he said.

According to Murray, he spoke to a lawyer -

this lawyer -

and you advised him he didn't have to pay the 63 IOUs.

I never advised him. Absolutely not.

I was very clear about that. Oh, really?

Because he said you said it was a 'grey area',

which means he 'probably' doesn't have to pay them.

No, I never said 'grey area'. HE said 'grey area'.

Oh, my God, that man's annoying.

Yeah, that man's annoying.

That's enough. That is enough.

But he's right. He is annoying.

So, can we just go back a bit? I'm confused.

I assume you're representing the gardener.

Yeah. She is.

He's my son.

One more time with the hat and I'll take it.

Oh. I'm sorry. THIS is the gardener?

This is who was getting paid with IOUs?

Yes. He is a high-energy child.

He likes mowing lawns,

so, we encouraged him to start a little business.

He likes all the equipment, the earmuffs, the leg thingies...

They're gaiters. I have gaiters.

Yes. Thank you. Gaiters.

Now, according to my research, these are promissory notes.

Yes, they are signed and dated. That is correct.

Which makes them legal tender.

Yeah, well, that's a bit of a stretch.

I'm not sure you could buy your groceries with them.

Hey, mate, maybe don't menace the greenery.

Can he stop that? Just ignore him.

So, you agree that Murray is obliged to pay these IOUs?

Yes, but what I'm telling you is...

..you're not gonna get any money... Mum. Look - plastic. It's not real.

How interesting.

Why don't you go and take a look at all the other plants

and see how many are real and how many are fake? Go on.

OK, what I'm saying is you're not gonna get any money

out of Murray Trumble.

Not without a fight. You probably need a lawyer.

Plastic! Oh, I see.

So, now you want me to pay you

just so I can get the money that's rightfully owed to my son?

It's fake! That's not what I said.

Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

What I said was why don't you just...

Uh-oh!

This one's real.

Yeah, maybe don't...

Oh, whatever.

I'm actually a partner here at Gruber & Fisk.

Yes. It's written here in biro.

Yeah. And for a worthy cause such as this

I would be willing to take it on pro bono.

It's a kitchen! There's a fridge in here!

Don't you climb into that!

Felix, stay out of the fridge, please!

What were you saying?

How would you like me to represent Felix free of charge? Sorry.

Is he climbing in to the fridge... I didn't come in here for charity.

I came in here to get what's rightfully owed to my son.

OK, well, if you feel insulted,

I'd be happy to charge you $450 an hour.

Pro bono will be just fine. Thank you.

Same team. Let's get Murray!

Oh, God. What is he doing?

By covering my eyes,

I'm removing one of my key senses.

This will help me listen

not just with the ears, but with my whole heart.

Oh, come on!

Who did that?!

Fuck!

Yeah, I think so. Alright.

Close the door, Georgie.

Now, vis-a-vis the upcoming vote,

Viktor has brought it to my attention

that Helen can have a rather aggressive conversational style.

It's more she gets jagged on certain topics

to the point where it can start to feel like an interrogation.

Mm. I think she just likes to drill down.

I don't mind it.

Good on you, buddy.

But when you're working a room, you've got to keep it light.

You've got to stay agile. You can't get bogged down.

You've got to keep moving like a shark.

Yes.

I've put together a list of topics she should avoid.

Put bees on that list.

She was banging on about those the other day.

Maybe coffee. She is a bit obsessed with the size of the grind.

Alright, so, I want everybody on Helen watch tomorrow at the vote.

If you see her getting jagged on anything,

just step in and move her along.

Hi, guys.

Is there a big announcement? Did I miss it?

No. No, no.

No. We're all just working.

Come on, Mr G.

Excuse me, Helen.

What's happening, George? Working. Um...

- Please take that. - On the next one.

There's the hole punch.

What are you gonna do with that? Yeah, punch some holes.

Just working.

OK.

Not here, Ray. This is a workspace.

Of course.

Fisk! Yeah?

I'd like you to meet Melissa, my boo.

Oh... Don't say that.

Copeland's premier fashion psychologist.

Nice to meet you, Melissa. You too.

What's your take on this?

Oh, what's it saying?

Come on, suit, talk to me.

Talk to me.

A bit weird.

Well, I'm sensing you don't prioritise your appearance.

Um... Now, is that a bit of shame?

A little bit. No.

No, it's not shame.

What is it? Why this colour?

Why so shapeless?

What is it saying?

I think it's saying, "Vote for Helen!"

Can I count on your vote?

A bit desperate, mate. Dial it down.

I think I'll reserve my judgement

till I've seen all three presentations.

Seriously? You're the whole reason why he has to quit the group.

You couldn't just sling me your vote just out of...

I'm terribly sorry.

So, no dog?

No, I don't have a dog.

Cat? No, no. No pets?

None? Really?

Oh. Have you got allergies?

No, I don't have any allergies.

Hello! Hello! Then why don't you have a pet?

Because... I heard the word 'allergies',

and I thought, "That's an unusual topic for conversation."

Lisa, how are you?

Currently under interrogation for not having pets.

I wasn't interrogating, I was saying

she must be really sad 'cause she doesn't have a dog,

dogs can lift your spirits... And let's just move you along.

That's your life as a female. Imagine that.

If you don't get picked as queen, your only option is to be a drone.

You can't even be a worker. That's only for males.

No bees, mate. I was talking about wasps!

Thank you, Rosalind.

Well, I see a lot of familiar faces

bringing back a lot of wonderful memories.

Patrick. Pam. Of course.

This is new, Greg. I love that. Couldn't enjoy...

Let's move it along. Everyone is busy.

Good point.

Alrighty, today we have three highly qualified candidates -

Bob Stanley from Stanley & Sons,

Debbie Lim from Furstenberg-Grey,

and, of course, my personal favourite,

Helen Tudor-Fisk from Gruber & Fisk.

Objection! Sustained! I withdraw the comment.

She's not my favourite, Bob. You are.

I'm joking!

You're all my favourites.

May the best wills and estates lawyer win.

I think that went well. Yes.

Now, each candidate will have two minutes,

and I will sound the bell at one minute 30.

Let's begin with Debbie Lim from Furstenberg-Grey.

Boo.

No. We don't boo. Alright.

Here's what you need to know about Debbie Lim.

Nothing gets in the way of my networking.

Oh, looks, like there's something in the way of my networking.

What is it?

It's this goddamn podium!

Jesus.

Debbie Lim.

I've got a lot of clients.

Debbie Lim. Call me anytime. I'm here for you.

Debbie Lim.

You need clients. I've got heaps.

More than Bob. More than Helen.

Objection! Save your objection!

No-one's interested.

Don't ring that bell, Roz, 'cause I'm done.

Why don't I use my whole two minutes?

'Cause I don't waste time.

Not yours, not mine.

We are important people.

Debbie Lim!

Vote for me.

What was that?

Do you want a hand with that, Roz? Yes. Thank you, Bob.

Very forceful and powerful.

Fairly convincing.

Look, stay here because you're speaking next.

Please, welcome Bob Stanley.

Oh, thank you, everyone!

Look, I'm not gonna get up here and knock over the podium,

but I might knock you over with a cracking anecdote.

How does that sound?

Oh. Excellent.

Alright. Are you all familiar with the actor Russell Crowe?

Oh, the big man. Yeah.

Rusty and I go way back,

and years ago, he called me up and he said,

"Bob, Robert, Roberto,

"I need some advice."

That's 30 seconds, Bob.

But, look, take all the time you like.

I think people are really enjoying themselves.

Thanks, Roz!

Anyway, I said to Rusty,

"Come on, mate, are you not entertained?"

Oh, shit. That's from Gladiator.

He just put his arms around me like a big bear

and he said, "Mate, can I use that?"

And the rest is Oscar-winning history.

Good story, but I don't get

what any of it's got to do with the networking group.

Well, he's just proving he's a great guy, he's got good anecdotes,

he knows famous people,

now we all wanna be part of his gang.

That's networking.

So, I need to get people in my gang? Yeah.

Stories about famous people. Absolutely.

And now to our final candidate for today,

Helen Tudor-Fisk, Gruber & Fisk.

I think I'm gonna go off the cuff. No. Don't, mate.

Helen! Yeah. No. It's OK.

Bob just reminded me I've got a good anecdote about Gladiator.

On the cuff.

On the cuff!

Good morning, everyone.

Listening to Bob's excellent anecdote,

I was reminded of the time I went to see the movie Gladiator,

and sitting right in front of me

was - wait for it -

Nicole Kidman's sister.

Um...

Oh, what's her name? I've forgotten. She's got heaps of kids now.

No-one cares! Oh, hey! No heckling.

Anyway, I was thinking this here

is like a coliseum...

..and we are all bees in the hive.

What? The point is...

- What is the point, Helen? - Yeah, what's the point?

Can you tell them no heckling, Roz?

Can you please get to the point, Helen?

The point is this group of networker gladiator bees...

Do you wanna go back on the cuff?

Yes. Thank you. Can you start the clock again, Roz?

No. One minute.

Why? Bob got extra time.

Bob had the crowd!

Ohh! Roz.

And while it is true that I'm generally not good in social...

Oh, Roz! No!

In conclusion,

I will network so hard

and bring everyone lots of referrals.

And that is my promise to you all.

Thank you. Amen. Not amen. Just thank you.

Oh, Antonia Kidman! That's who it was.

Sorry.

It was Antonia.

Thank you, Helen. Antonia Kidman.

Alright, time to vote.

And the newest member

of our Business and Breakfast networking group is...

Congratulations, Bob Stanley!

BAB! Welcome to BAB.

Are you people kidding me?!

This is a networking group, not an anecdote festival.

Enjoy the bullshit stories.

She punched him. She punched him.

Bob, would you like to come up and say a few words?

Maybe hit us up with another anecdote, buddy.

You bet.

But I might need a little bit of sustenance.

Should we move straight through to the breakfast?

Oh, we dispensed with the breakfast element a while back, Bob.

What?! It was meant to be enjoyable. It's Business AND Breakfast.

Porque no los dos?

Yeah, exactly. The taco ad. Why can't we have both?

You know, Green Hills have a terrific spread,

and they're the most successful BAB chapter in the state.

Yeah, they even have an omelette station.

I might see if they've got an opening.

Anyway. Thanks, everyone!

Happy networking!

Say g'day to Rusty for us.

Uh...

Alright, well, on a countback,

the person with the most votes

is Debbie Lim.

And she's made her feelings about the group very clear.

So, with two votes,

our newest member is...

..Helen Tudor-Fisk!

Welcome, Helen!

Well done, Bradbury! Yay. Should I make a speech?

No, no.

Extraordinary.

Hey, Murray.

Morning, two-face.

Jeez, you really sold me down the river, didn't ya?

Oh, come on. The kid's 12 years old.

What do you care? It's a few thousand bucks.

Oh, a few thousand bucks is it, Miss Moneybags?

Well, I rang the ombudsman to complain.

What did the ombudsman say?

Not enough evidence.

Mm.

I don't know if you're a clever arsehole or a lucky one.

Porque no los dos?

Come on, buddy.

All done?

Excellent.

Now, there is $50 for the lawnmowing

and a $5 tip

'cause I'm nicer than that guy.

Thank you, Helen.

Now, remember - don't accept anything but cash in future.

Hi, guys.

Mind if I join?

Ooh.

It's pretty hot in here.

I'm, uh...

..Helen Tudor-Fisk.

I do wills and probate.

If you've ever got any clients that...

..need that. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

I'm not gonna get my balls out,

if that's OK with everyone.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation