Original subtitles

MAN: State Capitals for $200.

"In 1860, this state capital

became the western terminus of the Pony Express."

I know this one. I know this one.

What is Sacramento.

No, no, no, that's not it.

TREBEK: Eric?

What is Sacramento? Yes.

ERIC: State Capitals for $300.

TREBEK: "South Dakota's..."

How'd you know that?

CINDY: He's always been like this.

And Brenda, too.

Their father, on the other hand...

Hey, hey, don't rub it in.

Answer:

You can get this one, Dad.

(spoon clattering)

Who's Orlando Magic?

Good job.

Anyone?

The correct response is, What is the Orlando Magic?

You are amazing.

You know, Kelly, if your friend was really so smart,

he'd get himself down to Culver City and try

and get on the Jeopardy! College Championship

they've been talking about all week.

He should.

Well, I am.

You are?

You're going to be on College Jeopardy!?

Well, first, I have to be picked,

but they gave me a time to try out, so that's a start.

That's so exciting.

Yeah, it should be fun.

Although, it's still a long shot.

I don't think it's such a long shot.

I don't think it is, either.

After all, you're a great player.

You also happen to be the Student Body President

of California University.

CINDY: A very handsome student body president, I might add.

(applause and Jeopardy! theme song plays)

Mom, I don't think they care which way I comb my hair.

Trust me, looks counts for something.

And if it doesn't, it should.

Did you know Alex Trebek is one

of the best-dressed men in Hollywood?

I think I'm going

to try out for Wheel of Fortune instead.

Hey, where are you going?

They haven't even done Final Jeopardy! yet.

I'm gonna go call Zuckerman.

We sent our postcards in at the same time.

I want to see if they called her, too.

Brandon and Andrea

have been talking

about being on Jeopardy!

since they were in high school.

Neat.

Excuse me, but I have to go talk to Brandon.

(Jeopardy! theme playing on TV)

(touch tones beeping)

What are you doing?

Uh, this isn't a very good time to talk to Andrea about this.

(dial tone)

Okay.

Why not?

I can't say.

I promised.

Kelly,

when one half of a couple promises not to tell,

it is assumed that the other half

of the couple is exempt from said promise.

All right. She had an affair.

Andrea had an affair? Yeah.

She says it's over, but the damage is done.

So I guess being on a game show isn't really high

on her list of priorities right about now.

Mm, I tend to doubt it.

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: If you'd like

to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(door opening)

JESSE: It's just all a waste of time and money!

Sure, if you sit there pouting the whole time.

Excuse me, I answered every question that woman asked me.

Jesse, saying "I'm sorry, I don't know how I feel,"

is not a productive response.

Well, maybe I don't feel comfortable

telling a total stranger what I'm thinking about.

Jesse, um...

what are you thinking?

I mean, no one's here, we're all alone.

What are you thinking?

Andrea...

(sighs)

Andrea... you're just not the girl

I fell in love with anymore.

The girl I fell in love with

was-was self-confident, she was driven,

she was decisive, she was going some place.

Well, she got pregnant.

She had to get married,

raise a child and go to school.

Unless, of course, you thought

that Hannah should have raised herself.

Just forget it. Let's just drop it, all right?

You know, I didn't become a mother

and a housewife on my own.

You were involved, too.

So don't hold me accountable

for the decisions we made together.

I don't remember being consulted about Peter.

Well, look, I-I better go pick up Hannah at Mom's.

Jesse, you can't just say something like that

to me and walk out.

It's not fair.

What is fair, Andrea?

Hmm?

(sighs)

MAN: All right, see you later.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

Okay, this Haitian language is a mixture

of French and African dialects.

What is patois?

No.

That's not the right answer?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't count unless you hit the buzzer

the moment after Alex reads the answer.

What buzzer?

Oh. Look, if you're planning on taking home some loot,

you got to concentrate,

and reaction time is everything, buddy.

Funny.

I thought knowing the right answers was everything.

Brandon, you got... Steve,

don't I have to become a contestant

before I can win any loot?

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Brandon's training for College Jeopardy!

Really? Good luck.

I hear, the competition

to get on there is going to be pretty brutal.

STEVE: Uh, I'm not worried about it.

I think Brandon can go one-on-one

with anyone from any school in the country.

CLARE: Hmm. Problem is,

they usually only pick one person from each college.

Yeah. So?

So my hunch is, I'm going to be that person.

(muffled laugh)

You're trying out for College Jeopardy!, too?

Yeah, it's, uh, something I've always really wanted to do.

Yeah. Me, too.

CLARE: Well, I'm afraid at least

one of us is going to be disappointed.

Well, you know what they say,

"Que le meilleur gagne."

Ganja? What?

What? What does that mean?

It means, "Good luck, sucker."

(laughs) Ciao.

(laughter) She was just trying to psyche you out.

She was not!

Look, Clare happens to be a very good player.

In fact, she spends hours

playing every night on her computer.

So? So?

So she answers all the questions in French.

Ha.

Well, good luck in the tournament.

(laughs): Boys.

Hey, tell Clare not to get her hopes up.

(clears throat)

We've got some work to do. Yeah.

(clears throat) Okay.

(birds singing)

(Mel speaking gibberish)

(Jackie laughing)

What do you...?

JACKIE: Hi, guys!

Come on in.

(Mel and Jackie laughing)

Look, Kelly, Daddy's home.

Yeah, I can see that, sweetie.

Uh, what's-what's going on here?

Take a wild guess.

Yeah, a really wild guess.

MEL: The wilder the better.

(Jackie laughs)

Um, honey, why don't you go get your coat on, okay?

And-And we'll just go, um...

We'll just go.

(both laughing)

How weird was that?

Weird.

That was... that was definitely one for The X Files.

They looked so happy.

It was disgusting, wasn't it?

(laughing)

It must be nice for Erin.

I mean, when I was little,

all I wanted was for Mommy and Daddy to get back together.

You know, I-I can't believe that, uh...

Jackie forgave my dad for all that.

I mean, that's...

I wouldn't blame her if she never did.

I just... I...

Could you ever do that?

Could you ever forgive somebody for something like that?

I don't know.

Mm, it would depend on a lot of things,

like how remorseful the person was,

or how much I loved them.

Hmm.

I think I could.

I'm not sure.

I wish I could be forgiven.

What are you talking about?

You never cheated on Clare, did you?

No, I wasn't talking about Clare.

I was...

I was talking about Donna.

TREBEK: Hi, everyone, and welcome to Jeopardy!

DONNA: No, I'm not Ray Pruit.

I want to leave a message for him.

TREBEK: Here we go, round one.

Well, when he checks in,

will you just tell him Donna called, please?

No, not Donald! Donna!

D-O-N-N-A.

Yes.

Thank you.

(phone beeps off, Donna sighs)

He was supposed to check in last night.

Ray's a big boy.

He can take care of himself.

Or is that the problem--

that he's a big boy?

What if,

you know, out of sight, out of mind?

Not a chance.

I hope you're right.

Hey, look at it this way.

If, um, you and Ray do break up,

you always have David waiting in the wings.

Clare, I told you.

David and I are just good friends.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm not blaming you for anything.

David and I had five months together,

which is about five months longer

than I've had with anyone else, so...

So, are-are you guys both cool with it being over?

Yeah. Yeah.

I think we'll probably end up good friends.

Eventually.

If we ever start talking again.

(phone ringing) Hmm.

Maybe it's Ray.

Hello?

It's for you.

Oh. Hello?

Clare, guess who's sitting right in front of me?

I have no idea.

Well, he's a friend of yours.

He's president of the student body,

and I'm afraid he's a bit delusional

about College Jeopardy!

Daddy.

Please, don't embarrass me here.

Clare asked me to remind you

that she's fluent in five languages.

Yeah.

Don't do this to me, please.

Why are you doing this?

She says the only way you'll win

is if the category is funny haircuts.

(laughing)

Huh.

Dad, tell him that you're the one saying that now, please.

Oh, sorry, darling, got to go.

Tell him that it's not me...

Dad... what...

I was just having a little fun at your expense.

Yeah, I kind of got that, sir.

I'm sure you'll do brilliantly tomorrow.

And as Clare says, "Que le meilleur gagne."

(phone ringing)

Yes?

Howard!

Thanks for calling me back...

♪ Under the cherry tree ♪

♪ ♪

Jesse. You okay?

You don't look so good.

Thanks.

You want some soup?

Coffee.

I need coffee.

Coffee.

♪ Under the cherry tree ♪

♪ Just two lovers in the night... ♪

(sighs)

Sounds like something I don't even want to get into.

Trust me, you don't.

Married life can really take it out of you.

I can imagine.

Thanks.

Can I, uh, get you anything?

No.

I, uh, think I'm going to finish this chapter, and then head out.

Okay. Good.

The fact is, Andrea and I aren't doing so great right now.

Honestly don't know if we're going to make it.

I'm really sorry to hear that, man.

You don't have to put on an act on my account, Dylan.

Andrea told me you saw her go into that motel.

You wouldn't believe the last few days.

Every word we say drives the other one nuts.

And I had to move out, just to preserve our sanity.

I really am sorry to hear that.

Yeah, me, too.

So, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I can't stay at my folks' house.

They'd die if they knew what was going on.

My best friend just had a kid, so that boat's full.

The whole idea of getting my own apartment's

completely out of the question.

We can barely afford the one we have now.

Look, Jess, if you're stuck or something, man,

I could...

Oh, man, thanks.

I was hoping you'd say that.

It'll only be for a couple of nights, I promise.

I could make you a loan was what I was gonna say.

You won't even know I'm there.

Don't put me in the middle

of this thing, Jesse. I promise.

I won't even mention her name, not once.

That's not the point.

If I let you stay, it's like I'm choosing sides

against her and... Look, if Andrea

and I don't get some time apart, man, we're gonna fall apart.

So, so, actually you'd be doing Andrea a favor

by letting me move in with you.

♪ Under the cherry tree ♪

Huh?

♪ Where we first kissed... ♪

All right.

A couple of days.

That's great.

And like I said,

you know what?

You won't even know I'm there.

All right.

Quiet as a mouse.

(Jeopardy! theme playing)

...and I like to translate German technical manuals

in my spare time.

That's just great.

And last but not least,

we have Brandon Walsh from California University.

Brandon is the Student Body President

with an undeclared major

and a grade point average of...

Whoa.

Can we stop tape for a moment, please?

Johnny? (over speaker): Yes, Alex.

Is something wrong?

Well, it says here that

Brandon's grade point average is 3.2.

(Johnny whistles, audience moaning)

That's all? Yeah.

What's the sense of having a screening process

if this is what we're gonna end up with?

I'll have the contestant coordinators taken out

and shot, Alex. Ah, never mind.

Let's go on.

Um, all right, Brandon,

how do you explain your feeble grade point average?

Well, as president of the school,

I do a lot of extracurricular activities

as well as volunteer work.

In fact... Right.

Johnny, refresh my memory here.

Wasn't there a lovely young woman

from California University that everyone liked?

Yes, a remarkable young woman.

Clare Arnold.

Only child of the Chancellor,

Clare was educated on three continents,

maintains a perfect 4.0 grade average

and boasts a radiant blend of physical beauty

and cosmopolitan street smarts

that can only be described as that certain "je ne sais quoi."

Yeah. Clare Arnold. (audience exclaims)

I really liked her.

So, how did we end up with this clown?

(pennywhistle blowing, audience laughing)

(gasps)

Just remember, you gotta wait

until the light flashes before you hit the button.

Steve, you're killing me.

I'm just trying to psyche you up.

Yeah, I know that.

Don't you think we should hold off

on the motivational training

till after I pass the written test?

Guys,

did you know that 90% of all the applicants

will flunk the general knowledge exam?

No, Clare.

How did you know that?

Have you been sucking up to the show's statistician?

Steve, do you always have to be so nasty?

I don't know.

I guess Clare brings out the best in me.

WOMAN: If I could have your attention, please?

Would everyone who's trying out today

please follow me into the testing area.

Prospective contestants only.

Thank you.

That's us.

No, no, Steve, that's us.

Shall we?

Good luck, Brandon. Good luck, Clare.

Thanks, bye.

(metal clanging)

Hey, Dylan?

Want some coffee?

No. Thanks.

(whistling)

(metal clanging) Ow!

Hey, Dylan, you know, if you wanted me

to do anything around here, I can help you out,

let me know.

No, don't worry about it. Really.

Okay.

So, what are you working on, man?

Well, I'm helping to write a screenplay

with some guy I met in rehab.

What you... you two guys work separately

and then compare notes, is that it?

I make my notes, he makes his

and then I take them over to him.

He's got this office over at a motel.

We kind of...

Oh, the motel where Andrea was, right?

Yeah, I'm, uh, sorry.

Forget I said that.

Okay, you know,

but only, on the day you caught her,

where... Hey, I didn't catch her.

Whatever the word is.

What did she say?

What could she say?

Jesse, what was our agreement about this?

I'm not asking you to take sides,

but I gotta know what happened.

Oh, what, you want the details?

Yeah. Okay, man,

but it wasn't pretty.

Look, there were chains, there were whips,

there was a clown outfit,

purple fright wigs were involved,

there were two dwarfs in attendance,

one wearing scuba gear.

Look, I got video, I got Polaroids.

What do you want to see first?

They teach us to think like that in law school.

You know, you get the evidence, you get an indictment.

Well, stop it, 'cause you're torturing yourself.

I know.

Worse than that,

you're torturing me.

Okay.

I get the picture.

Not another word.

Promise.

(whistling)

Hey, Dylan?

Do you got any decaf?

(pencil snaps)

(low murmuring)

Sorry about that phone call from my father yesterday.

Oh, that's all right.

You know, he and Steve should start a support group

for people that blow things out of proportion.

I know, I mean, to them it's like

we're competing with each other or something.

It's ridiculous.

Obnoxious.

It's like they've forgotten that Jeopardy! is a game.

I mean,

you know how much fun it is

to sit at home and compete against

the other contestants.

Absolutely.

I mean,

the odds are that neither one of us

will be one of the students they pick to be on the show.

Well, I don't agree with that at all.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, it's statistically invalid.

When you eliminate

all the lamebrains that are here and factor in such variables as,

uh, wit and, uh, charm,

I think I have a great chance of getting on the show.

Is that so?

Good day, ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Trebek, Yeah.

welcoming you all to the College Championship contestant test.

Here is your first one.

The category is Famous Quotes.

And the answer is:

Are you looking at my answer sheet?

And why would I do that?

I don't know, beats me.

Next category is Sports.

The answer is: "In 1977, baseball's American League

"expanded to 14 teams,

including the Toronto Blue Jays and this team."

(chuckles)

(sighs)

I really admire your stamina.

Even at your age, I don't think I could have managed school

and the Peach Pit After Dark.

Well, it really doesn't take much of my time anymore.

I mean the club basically runs itself.

No kidding?

Yeah, I mean,

the word of mouth is great, and the promotion,

I haven't spent a dime in two weeks.

Jim and I just have to come down.

I mean, we love to dance. Wouldn't that be fun?

Hmm.

Andrea!

Long time no see.

Come on sit down, join us. No, no, that's okay,

I'm in a rush, I... Cindy I was hoping maybe

you could watch Hannah for a couple hours.

You know I would, but my last tutorial meets today.

It's gonna be meeting straight

through dinner.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, you know, I'm-I'm just in a bind.

If it's really important, I can watch her.

I have nothing to do for the rest of the day.

Cindy, tell her... tell her how great I am with kids.

I mean, I basically raised my little sister.

I can vouch for that.

(laughs)

Well...

all right, if you're sure?

Yeah, I love kids.

ANDREA: Great.

Where will you be so I can come pick her up later?

Uh, well, I do have to go to the club.

Why don't you just come by when you're finished?

Okay.

Okay. It's all right.

Well, this is everything she needs. Okay.

Steve, great news.

They released everyone an hour ago

that didn't pass the written exam.

What've they been doing in there all this time?

Playing practice rounds

for the contestant coordinators.

Uh-huh.

This is where they're gonna separate the cream

from the buttermilk.

What have you got against Clare?

I just don't like the way

she broke up with David that's all.

Hey, that was a mutual thing and you know it.

Eh.

Look, Clare is a great person.

Besides, if she and Brandon can get along,

I don't understand why we can't be here

without being at each other's throats.

BRANDON: Clare, what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna go to the producers?

Tell them I'm a cheater?

Tell them I should be disqualified? No, Brandon.

I'm not an informer, all right?

But I know what I saw. What you saw?

For you to insinuate that I was looking at your test

is unbelievably bogus.

Bogus?

No, what's bogus was

that lame answer you gave in Double Jeopardy!

(forced laugh)

Well, at least it got a laugh out of the producers,

which is more than I can say

for you saying the question in French.

No, she didn't?

(French accent): Ah, but she did. For she is Clare.

She is a pretentious, coldhearted "beech."

(clears throat)

Brandon!

Look, let's settle this once and for all.

You and me, one-on-one,

the home game of Jeopardy!,

winner takes all.

Losers takes themselves

out of consideration for the tournament.

Name the time, name the place--

I'll be there.

I bet you will.

Mm-hmm.

Sacré bleu.

(knocking on door)

Where did you steal that?

I didn't steal her.

It's Hannah. I'm babysitting.

Wait a minute, An-Andrea left you with Hannah?

She really must be in a bind.

This is not a good idea.

Why, I just came by to see

if I could arouse your parental instincts,

or anything else that's up for being aroused.

(Hannah cooing)

JESSE: Hey, Dylan-- oh.

Sorry, I'll leave you-- Wha-what's Hannah doing here?

Where's Andrea?

Uh, I don't know, she had to rush off somewhere.

Oh, to see Peter maybe?

Who's Peter? Jess, you're jumping to conclusions.

Let me get this straight; Andrea left the baby

with somebody she barely knows and just took off?

Wait, I didn't say that. Oh, so you do know where she is?

Am I on trial here? Jess, you said

you were not going to put me in the middle of this.

That was before Andrea deserted our baby to go play doctor

with some little doctor friend of hers.

W-What are you talking about? Mellow out.

(Hannah crying)

Sorry, I forgot.

You guys are Andrea's friends, right?

Not mine.

Okay, man, look, I think you better just go.

You know something? I think you're right.

Come on, sweetie, let's go to Grandma's.

All right?

Bye, sweetie. Tell Andrea that I'm at my parents' house.

I think she's got the number.

Oh,

and so much for not taking sides, right?

(Hannah crying)

STEVE: And now let's begin the Jeopardy! grudge match.

BRANDON: Hmm.

History for $100, please, Alex.

Excellent choice, Brando. Thank you.

"Balkan city in which the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne

was assassinated in 1914, setting off World War I?"

(bell dings)

That would be Brandon.

Sarajevo.

What is Sarajevo? Correct.

Wait a second, that was not in the form of a question.

He corrected himself. I know.

I'm just saying it merits a warning.

What's going on?

It's a grudge match between Brandon and Clare to decide

which of them is more infantile. (chuckles)

It just needs a warning, that's all.

Can we just play the game, please?

How about History for $200?

They're playing Jeopardy! This is my favorite game.

I sent in a card so I could be on the show.

Did they respond?

Uh-huh, they did. "...same velocity."

(bells ding)

Clare.

Brandon. Clare.

You call that a history question?

(buzzing): I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Brandon.

Uh, have you seen Valerie?

No, I haven't seen her. I guess I'm early.

I'll just... just hang out and watch.

CLARE: Don't call me "she" when I'm sitting right in front of you.

BRANDON: Well, maybe she should just answer the questions and...

Excuse me.

Brandon, Clare, aren't there usually three players?

Yeah, technically.

Kelly, this is a grudge match up here.

Yeah, I know, but I have an idea.

Since you guys just started,

why don't you drop this macho grudge-match posturing

and test your skills against a quality player

like Andrea?

What did you say?

I said you're a player and you ought to be playing.

(sighs)

Yeah, sure, we could start over.

Fine by me.

Who is Mary Shelley?

Who is Walter Cronkite?

(bell dings) What is the Internet?

(bell dings)

What is calculus?

(bell dings) What is onomatopoeia?

Once again, correct, Andrea.

Uh, Literature for $1,000.

"19th century American author renowned

"for stories in which poor boys become rich

through honesty and hard work?"

(bell dings) Yeah, Brandon.

I have no idea.

I just wanted to ring in first for once.

Oh, that'll cost you.

STEVE: Andrea.

Who is Horatio Alger?

Once again, that is correct.

And ladies and gentlemen,

we're back with the final round of Jeopardy!

after your host-- me-- goes to the bathroom and pukes.

(Kelly and Andrea cheering)

Good job.

Thank you.

I'm so excited.

Hey, Andrea, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Do you realize we were just trounced by a housewife?

Yeah, this is one of those moments

that scars you for life.

Well, at least I beat someone.

(laughs) Not that it matters.

Then he was giving me the third degree

about how I ended up with Hannah.

You didn't tell him anything, did you?

Well, what was I supposed to tell him?

I mean, I think I'm the only one around here

who doesn't know that you two

are in the middle of a custody battle.

Is that what he called it?

Well, he was talking like a lawyer.

Did he say where he was going to take her?

Your mother-in-law's house.

You know, chief, seeing as you beat us both...

I'm sorry, I have to go.

What'd you say to her?

I just told her

that I thought Jesse was going to file for divorce.

(door closes)

ANDREA: Why does it matter where I was?

Why do you think? I told you it's over.

Oh, oh, so now there's some other mystery destination

I can't know about, is that it?

I'm not going to stand here and be interrogated by you.

Well, look, it wouldn't feel like an interrogation

if you would simply answer the questions!

All right, you want to know where I was?

I went to see a lawyer. Are you happy?

Wait, you already have a lawyer?

Yes, because I know exactly how your mind works.

You went to the lawyer.

That's your mind.

Don't pin that on me.

Then don't play Mr. Innocent with me.

I was worried that you were going to try to build a case

so you can go and get custody of our daughter, Hannah,

and then when I spoke to Valerie

I saw that is exactly what you were trying to do.

I asked Valerie where you were, which I think,

under the circumstances,

was a fairly reasonable line of questioning.

No, it's not reasonable.

I told you I am not seeing Peter anymore.

It's over... and it's over with us.

Now, I want my daughter back and I want her back tomorrow.

Look, I'm... Get out!

Andrea...

Get out.

Fine.

Fine, fine.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Chancellor Arnold.

No, I was just expecting my boyfriend to call.

He's out of town, which...

which reminds me, Clare is out, too.

No, I honestly don't know how she did at the audition today

because I haven't talked to her.

I sure will.

Okay, bye-bye now.

Okay, I'm serious now.

If I hear one more Jeopardy! pep talk from this man...

Oh, I think it's cute.

I think he's obsessed.

And I think it runs in the family.

The way you were with Brandon

after the tryouts and at the grudge match,

I've never seen you act that way before.

I know.

I'm just under a lot of pressure right now.

Because of College Jeopardy!?

I guess.

I don't know.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

Well, why don't you give it a rest

and think about something else for a while?

Yeah.

TREBEK: And here are the categories.

We start you off with Minnesota Studs.

Next we have...

I'll take Minnesota Studs for $1,000.

The answer is:

"He and his fiery twin sister..."

Clare?

Who is Brandon Walsh? That's right.

You retain control of the board, so pick again.

Okay,

I'll take Walshes for $1,000.

Answer: "This Walsh,

one of America's"-- Clare?

Who is Brandon Walsh? That's right.

Whoo. Another $1,000 for you.

(beeping) And that sound means

you're out of Double Jeopardy!

And Clare winds up with $52,000.

Johnny, tell her what she's won.

JOHNNY (over speaker): Well, Clare, you have won your very own Brandon Walsh.

With movable limbs and comb-able hair,

this Brandon comes complete with his very own Mustang

and will provide hours of fun.

Excuse me, Alex.

Chancellor? I don't mean to be a problem here,

but I need Brandon

to take care of some important university business

far, far away.

I see. Anyway,

the fact is: she prefers guys who speak French anyway.

Daddy. TREBEK: She does?

Well, then, she's in luck.

Gaston, come on over here.

Viens içi.

(sighing)

(Jeopardy! theme playing)

(knocking on door)

Oh, hey, Brand.

Hi. Did I wake you up?

No, I've been up pretty much all night.

Come on in, have some coffee.

Good, I got bagels, I got lox, I got cream cheese,

I got lemon wedges and those funny little green things...

Capers.

Capers, yeah, right.

It's just sort of my way of saying thanks.

For what?

For saving me and Clare from ourselves.

We turned an ordinary Jeopardy! rivalry

into Mortal Kombat,

but after yesterday it's clear

that you are the person that should be representing C.U.

(sighs)

Thanks, Brandon, but I... I can't.

What are you talking about?

You had a great time yesterday.

We've been talking about going on College Jeopardy! forever.

I know,

but my life is pretty complicated right now, Brand.

Level with me.

You know my problems with Jesse, right?

I know that Jesse's living at Dylan's house,

or at least he was.

Brandon, I had an affair.

(sighs)

Was it serious?

I was ready to leave Jesse.

That sounds pretty serious.

For me it was,

but, uh, Peter-- that's his name--

he didn't feel the same way about it, not at all,

and now I can't help but wonder

how I could be so clueless about love.

Welcome to the human race.

No.

No, Brandon,

this is different.

Pregnant or not,

I married Jesse because I really believed

that we had something special.

And now it's a year later and we've both cheated.

Jesse, too?

He had a one-night stand.

(exhales)

And now all I know for sure

is that none of this would have happened

if there hadn't been something wrong to begin with.

You know, it's not like Jesse's flawless.

I'm not saying that, but, uh...

I can't help feel that there is...

something wrong with me.

I may be out of line saying this,

but I'm going to say it anyway.

Ever since high school, you haven't seemed happy.

Somewhere along the line, I just started backing off things.

You know?

Yale, the school paper,

running for office,

even, God forbid, College Jeopardy!

I never felt like a failure before, and now,

I feel like my life is just such a mess.

Hey, hey, that's not true.

You have a great daughter.

You're a great mother.

You can kick my butt at Jeopardy!

without even breaking a sweat.

Andrea...

you are a remarkable person.

You really are.

(quietly): Thanks.

I needed to hear that.

Come here.

Thank you.

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

Hi. What do you want?

Hi. I'm, uh...

I'm looking for Kelly.

She's not home yet.

Do you mind if I come in and-and wait for her?

You can do whatever you want.

Thanks.

So, uh, how's Donna holding up, with Ray out of town and all?

I don't know, David.

Why don't you wait until she gets out of the shower

and ask her yourself?

What? What did I say?

If you want to see Donna, be my guest.

But don't come here and tell me

you want to see Kelly, all right?

It's insulting.

I got to go break some news to my father.

Make yourself at home.

(phone rings)

Uh, Donna?

Hello?

Hey, who's this?

This is David. Who's this?

It's Ray. Is Donna there?

No, Ray. Donna's in the, uh, shower.

She's in the shower?

Yeah. Can I take a message?

David?

Yeah, I was just waiting for Kelly.

Hey, is that Donna?

Here, it's for you.

Thanks.

Hello?

RAY: Donna.

Ray. Uh, where have you been?

I've been worried sick about you.

Man, where do I start?

My truck broke down, and my gig here got postponed,

and then somebody stole one of my amps.

Then I check into the motel and I've got five messages from

"Donald" with your phone number.

I can't believe that operator.

I even told her how to spell my name.

Anyway, where are you?

I'm at a gas station, waiting for my truck.

Look, I can't really talk that long.

I just wanted to run an idea by you.

What?

(persistent honking)

Hang on!

Sorry.

Anyway, I'm going to be in Portland for spring break,

and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come

and, uh, visit me.

Oh, my God, of course.

I thought you'd never ask.

Great.

All right, well, I'll call you later, Donald.

I promise.

Bye.

Bye.

(sighs)

I am so relieved.

I mean, you know how long

I've been trying to get a hold of him?

I was just...

I was beginning to think...

Well, you know, after a while, you just,

you start to suspect the worst, and...

I've got to tell Clare.

Uh, actually, Clare left when I got here.

She did.

Yeah.

David, um...

Look, I...

I feel really bad about you guys breaking up.

Oh... Oh, don't. It, uh, it was for the best.

Yeah, but... I just...

I-I feel kind of responsible.

You shouldn't, really.

Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that.

You know, I tried to explain to Clare

how we feel about each other.

You did? Yeah.

I told her we were just good friends,

and there was absolutely no romantic thing

happening between us whatsoever anymore.

I mean, especially since, you know,

how much I love Ray.

Yeah. Oh, guess what?

Ray invited me to come to Portland

and visit him during spring break.

Really, that's, uh, that's funny 'cause...

well, I was gonna go to Portland

and-and visit my mother during spring break.

So maybe, uh,

maybe while I'm out there,

we can, uh, hook up or something.

(chuckles)

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Sure you can. I barely had to twist your arm.

Now I'll be back to pick you up in a couple of hours. Okay?

That's not really what...

No buts about it, all right?

Except for the ones you're gonna kick in there.

Oh, right.

Sit yourself down, got get 'em.

Okay, thank you.

Good luck. Thank you.

So what did your dad say when you told him

you were bailing out.

Have you ever actually seen a Nobel Prize winner cry?

You know, this could've been us, my little chickadee.

Yeah, it could've been us.

(knocking on door)

Hi.

I managed to forget Hannah's diaper bag

when I left yesterday.

Yeah. It's right here.

Thanks.

Look, however you feel about me...

Jesse, I barely know you.

Be that as it may, you might as well tell me

what you know about Andrea's affair.

This is ridiculous.

It is not ridiculous.

Andrea's hired a lawyer,

so it's just a matter of time before your subpoenaed.

Subpoenaed? For what? Your divorce proceedings?

Is that what you want?

I'll have to protect myself.

No, no, no, no.

See, this is where you lawyers mess up the world.

See, you're so busy protecting yourself,

you didn't stop for one second to ask,

"What is it I want? What is it she really wants?"

Well, obviously, she wants a divorce.

Well, did she say that?

Or have you just been so busy building up your case,

that you forgot that the real objective here

is for you guys to work this thing out, man.

You're married; you gotta get it back together.

If not for yourself... do it for Hannah.

I have no idea how things got so out of hand.

However they did,

it's your life; you got to fix it.

Yeah, see ya.

(Jeopardy! theme plays)

TREBEK (on TV): Here we go.

Today's Final Jeopardy! is:

Who... (Jeopardy! theme plays)

was...

Thomas... Jefferson?

Going to move down the line to start with you, Kurt.

Did you have the right U.S. President?

"Who was Jefferson?"

How did Barbie know that, sweetheart?

History's Barbie's favorite subject, Grandma.

Come here.

Now we move to the lady next to you...

Now you listen to me.

You tell Barbie

she can do anything she puts her mind to.

Anything?

Anything, bubee.

And don't you ever let anyone tell her differently.

All right, that gives you $6,000.

And now we go to our returning champion...

Good day, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Alex Trebek welcoming you all

to the College Championship contestant test.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you.

Andrea.

Hannah insisted we come down here

and bring you luck.

So, uh, you know...

Well, I think it worked.

I think, I, uh...

I think I may have aced that test.

No doubt of that.

Um...

I don't know what to say.

You know, things

seemed to have snowballed so out of control...

I know.

And I agree.

Andrea...

All I do know right now is that I love you.

I love our daughter.

And I really, really want to come home.

Oh, Jesse.

I love you.

(Jeopardy! theme plays)

TREBEK: By the way, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you...

CHANCELLOR: Clare, this is so exciting.

Don't you wish you'd gone?

Maybe next time.

Yeah, Daddy, maybe next time.

STEVE: Bran, speaking of next time...

Steve, no offense, but if there is a next time

I think I'd rather be coached

by the champ here.

You don't know whether I won or not.

It was worth a shot.

Andrea, this is killing me.

Did you win or lose?

My lips are sealed.

And so are Hannah's.

NAT: Well, that makes no difference.

Dinner's on the house no matter who wins.

(laughter) Hey, turn up the sound.

Let's take a look at the answer.

Good luck, players.

(Jeopardy! theme plays)

(Jeopardy! theme continues playing)