Original subtitles

DONNA: Well, the tree at the White House is a little bigger,

but not much.

Damn.

What's wrong?

I left about six inches clearance.

I'm losing my touch.

Mmm.

I don't think so.

No, hold it, hold it.

As long as we're getting in the spirit here...

we might as well do this right.

Huh.

I see you've done this before, huh?

This time I mean it.

Oh!

This looks like

it's gonna be a beautiful tree.

Oh. Excuse me.

I didn't mean to... intrude.

Mrs. Martin.

Thank you, Ray. Uh...

I've got a, uh, I've got a bigger stand out in my truck.

I'm gonna go grab it.

I'll be right back.

So...

You really like this boy.

Mom, if Ray asked me to marry him right now,

I'd say yes.

I'm gonna go see if he needs some help.

Well, you heard her.

A son-in-law who works in a Christmas tree lot.

How charming.

Now, he's more diverse than that.

He has a pumpkin patch.

I don't find this amusing.

I'd really like to avoid

having our daughter do something

that we both know she'll regret.

Felice, leave it alone.

You're only gonna push them closer together

if you try to do anything.

I'm sorry, but I'm not about to attend a prenuptial dinner

in a trailer park.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Would someone please tell me where my damn passport went to?

It was right here with the tickets.

BRANDON: Dad, relax.

I got it right here. Whoa, nice picture.

You look like a terrorist.

I don't think they're gonna

let you on the plane. Gimme that.

I think I've got everything.

You guys don't believe in traveling lightly, do you?

You never know what the weather's

gonna be like in London.

BRANDON: Sure you do. Cold,

wet, foggy, dank, dark, dismal.

That's just fine. It'll add to the ambience.

A Dickensian Christmas in London with my thespian daughter.

Unfortunately with Brenda, you never know if it's gonna be

the best of times or the worst of times.

Just kidding, Mom.

Just water the plants, would you?

Oh, and go to church on Christmas Eve.

I'll make sure he goes.

Well, at least

we know someone that's gonna have a white Christmas.

Oh, that's for sure.

I'm sure your friends'll be very happy to see you.

Well, they'll have to dig their way out.

It's a balmy ten below in Buffalo,

and guess what the forecast says now?

More snow. More snow.

Yeah.

Every year. Hey, let's go upstairs

and make sure we haven't forgotten anything.

I've already packed everything that isn't bolted down.

Jim, come on.

You know, you can still go with them if you want.

It's not gonna be very much fun staying here with me.

No.

I told you already, kiddo,

it's just gonna be you and me.

I won't be angry.

I mean, if I could go somewhere right now, I would.

Would you stop already?

No such luck, I'm not going anywhere.

Unless, of course, you don't get off my back about going.

Okay, I won't say another word.

♪ ...rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day... ♪

You've been doing this since you were how old?

I was ten or 11. So what?

Actually, after Hannah's turn

I might ask Santa for an A

on my Legal Ethics midterm. Huh?

Don't knock it. It works.

If you say so.

Well, do you think Hannah's ready

for this? I mean, he's so...

big and red...

Andrea, would you stop?

Look, it's a tradition.

You can't have a family album

without a picture on Santa's lap, huh?

Yeah!

Yeah, I'm gonna take a picture. Okay, honey?

She's gonna enjoy this, aren't you sweetie?

Yeah...

Hello, there, Santa.

This is my daughter, Hannah.

My, what a beautiful little child you have here.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

(Hannah crying)

Aw... It's okay, Santa's a nice man. Smile.

Oh, Hannah, it's okay.

Smile for Mama.

Come on, smile.

(bawling)

It's o... honey, don't worry.

It's o... Honey.

(Hannah bawling)

It's okay.

(pop music playing)

Do you know what it is about turkeys at Christmas?

At least they get to feel good

about having some purpose to their lives.

(all laughing)

Dude, will you lighten up?

No, I mean it.

It's like the Steve Sanders holiday curse.

I should just erase Christmas from my calendar completely.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

Oh, yeah?

One year I ran away to New Mexico

to find my birth mother.

It turns out she's dead.

The next year I nearly got expelled from school,

because I tried to change my grades.

Then last year I got busted

breaking into a professor's office,

but this year,

this year, I thought I was finally

gonna get rid of that curse

with that Peach Pit After Dark thing.

What happens?

My father sells me out.

Well, Veteran's Day is a holiday

a lot of people enjoy.

(all laughing)

Thanks. Great. Now I'm stuck

with a bunch of old people

doing community service at an old folks' home.

Ah, you'll live. Well, that's easy for you to say.

You're not gonna be calling bingo numbers

for the next hundred years.

Quit complaining. When you see some of the people

who come in here that we're gonna feed tomorrow,

you'll change your tune. Come on.

Grab the bird. Let's go.

Ah, whatever.

David, I was just thinking...

We know as many people as Steve does, don't we?

Yeah, I guess so.

And it's no big deal to hire a DJ, right?

Clare,

don't even think about us running...

Why? Why can't we keep the Peach Pit After Dark going?

I mean, do we really need Steve?

Clare, that's not the point.

Where's your entrepreneurial spirit?

Rush Sanders didn't pull his money out of this.

All they need is someone to run the place.

Oh, gee, no problem.

David, think about it.

If Steve's dad thought this idea

was worth investing in,

I'm sure there's a way we can make it work.

Yeah, I guess it's worth a shot.

Now all you need to do is convince Nat.

You will.

I will?

Mm-hmm.

I'm off to bed, you guys.

Gotta get up early in the morning.

Good night. See you in the morning, Mom.

Good night.

Oh, couldn't you just stare at the tree forever?

Yeah, the tree's nice, but if I had my choice,

I'd rather stare at you.

Oh...

Sorry.

It's okay.

Isn't it getting to be time to change that dressing?

I can do it for you.

You know what? I think I'll

just go home and let my mom do it.

Why won't you let me help you?

(sighs)

I'd just rather my mom did it.

She knows how and...

And what?

I just don't want you to see me like this.

Kelly... it's me.

You don't have to be perfect.

That's not why I love you.

I can handle it, okay?

So, you just show me what to do, and...

we'll take it nice and easy.

I can't.

I'll just see you tomorrow

at the Peach Pit, okay?

Kelly, what's goin' on?

I'll see you later.

(door opens and closes)

(slow pop song plays)

David, you're getting it everywhere!

Well, isn't that part of the tradition?

No, the tradition is to wear it.

(laughing)

(laughing)

That's very funny. Oh!

CLARE (laughing): Ohh...

Yeah, okay!

I'm sorry, did I get some on you?

Whoa!

Well, I better get going.

I'm taking Ray's mom Christmas shopping.

Mmm. Have fun.

I don't know.

You know...

Ray said that his, his mom has a rough time

around this time of year.

You know, super-emotional.

Drinking.

And the closer it gets to Christmas,

I just...

I don't know. I don't want it to get weird.

I'm sure she'll stay sober for the couple of hours

you guys are together, right?

I don't know.

That's not even what's bothering me. It's...

I've met his mom, and the rest of his family.

Okay. So? Clare, we're not

just from different worlds,

we're from different galaxies.

Donna, that doesn't matter.

Okay? What matters is what you have with Ray, right?

Yeah, you're right.

I guess I just needed to hear that from someone.

Okay.

Thanks.

Good-bye, David.

Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

(clearing throat)

(knocking)

Daddy! Hi.

What a surprise.

CHANCELLOR: Well, now that you have your own tree,

I thought you should have this before Christmas.

Oh, all my ornaments? Thank you!

It wouldn't be Christmas without them.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, this is, um, my friend.

David Silver. This is my dad.

David. Hi.

Nice to meet you, Chancellor Arnold.

Now, Clare, please remember,

I'm expecting you at the faculty Christmas party.

Naturally, I hope you'll bring Brandon along,

but please make sure

that you invite Kelly and Donna, okay?

Yeah. Absolutely.

We wouldn't miss it for the world.

Good, good.

Okay, I'm off. Okay.

Busy day.

Good-bye, darling. Thanks.

Uh... David.

A pleasure.

CLARE: Bye, Dad.

(door opens) Thanks.

(door closes)

Well, here we go again.

Why didn't you tell your dad about us?

Because he was preoccupied.

I want to tell him when he can really listen to me, you know?

Are you ashamed of me?

David, I promise.

The next time I see my father,

I'll tell him, okay?

I promise.

♪ ♪

You want to see my ornaments?

Sure.

Well, I guess I asked the right person

to come shopping with me.

Well, I've had a little bit of experience.

Okay. Well, then, help me figure out

something else to get for Ray.

I already got him "The Club".

I know he's going to love that for his truck.

Most definitely. Yeah.

But don't you think

he would look great in one of those suits?

You might have a problem there, sweetheart.

But he's changing.

Maybe he might like something like that.

Not that I could afford it, mind you.

Well, come on. We can... we can think about it.

("Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" plays)

Oh, now there's my idea of heaven.

Hop on the Love Boat and go 'round the world.

Sitting eating my shrimp

with a glass of champagne every night.

Well, a girl can dream, can't she?

Well, maybe if you go sit on Santa's knee

and tell him, he'll make it come true.

Honey, I got a better chance of winning the lottery.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

When Santa brings me

my bottle of eau de cologne every year, I thank him.

You take what you can get.

That's the way it is.

♪ Oh, come let us adore Him ♪

♪ Oh, come let us adore Him... ♪

All right. Thanks a lot.

You have a Merry Christmas, okay?

("Good King Wenceslas" plays)

Ray.

Mrs. Martin.

Something wrong with the tree?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

I just, uh... thought we might have a little chat.

Sure. What's up?

What would you like for Christmas, Ray?

I should say, if you could have anything,

anything you ever dreamed of for Christmas,

what would that be?

You're an interesting woman. You know that, Mrs. Martin?

Well, I'm very serious. Please tell me.

Anything, huh? Okay. Uh...

I'd love to make my own album.

That's an expensive dream.

That's why they're called dreams.

What would you say if I told you I could make that happen?

I don't believe this. Are you trying to, uh...?

You are, aren't you?

I think that should make you very happy this Christmas.

Don't you?

♪ ♪

("Deck the Halls" playing)

All right. You're all set.

Hi, hon.

Hey.

Something wrong?

You look like you've seen the Ghost of Christmas.

Nah. I'm all right.

It's just been busy.

Aren't you supposed to be helping Donna

serve Christmas dinner to the homeless?

Like I said, we had a rush.

Ray, I've seen you drop everything

when it comes to being with Donna.

Are you going to tell me what's wrong?

Nothing.

Look, uh, this lady called, I got a flock of six-footers, so

I better get on it.

You do that.

But just you make sure you bring that sweet girl over

to the house tomorrow for Christmas dinner.

Bet she's never tasted anything like my Charlotte Russe.

Done deal, Mom.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

OPERATOR: FBI.

Yes. I'll transfer you.

Yes?

Hi. I'd like to see Christine Pettit, please.

I'm afraid there's no one here at the Bureau by that name.

Come on, we don't gotta play that game.

I know she's here.

I'm sorry, sir.

There's no one here by that name.

Fine. So why don't you let me speak to someone

who is in charge, then?

I'm afraid that's impossible.

He's extremely busy,

and he doesn't see anyone without an appointment.

It's Bureau policy.

Bureau policy? Okay, listen.

You tell the J. Edgar Hoover boys back there,

take the party dresses off.

My name is Dylan McKay. I'd like to see somebody.

If that doesn't ring any bells,

you tell them I'm Jack McKay's son.

(intercom beeps)

Excuse me, sir.

There's a gentleman out here to see you.

His name is Dylan McKay.

Yes, sir. Right away.

Mr. McKay, Special Agent Cobb will see you now.

Through the double doors, room 111,

down the hall.

(phone rings)

FBI.

He's not in right now.

Yes, after lunch.

Thank you.

Christine Pettit?

Nope. Only Pettit I knew played for the St. Louis Hawks,

and I'm pretty sure that was way before your time.

Stop it, all right?!

Don't get cute with me, man.

I don't got time for it. So you put me

in touch with Agent Pettit

or I will get on the phone to the Los Angeles Times

and I'll tell them all about the Jack McKay operation,

how you blew it, and how my dad got killed.

You got it?

(door opens)

Hello, Dylan.

Christine.

(door closes)

I'm sorry about the security tangle.

It's just that we've got to be careful.

You want to talk about Jack?

No.

But I do need your help.

("Joy to the World" playing)

(baby crying)

♪ And Heaven and nature sing... ♪

(Steve gasps, Andrea talking indistinctly)

(Steve speaking gibberish)

(whispers indistinctly)

Do I have a way with kids or what?

(chuckles)

Can I hire you?

I'm not cheap.

I'm effective, but I'm not cheap.

Mm, how's my little Christmas girl doing?

Oh, for Jesse's sake, I wish she was a Christmas girl.

♪ Joy to the world... ♪

You want to tell Uncle Steve about it?

I just don't know how to mix Jesse's family traditions

with my own.

I don't want to confuse Hannah.

I mean, the voice in my head keeps saying,

"Andrea, you're Jewish, you can't do this,"

but she deserves the best of both traditions.

It sounds like she's getting that.

I don't know.

Tonight is going to be a total disaster.

Jesse wants to go to Midnight Mass.

Hannah's teething;

there is no way she's going to make it through the service.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, honey, I just want to make this

a special Christmas for them.

That's all.

NAT: Sanders!

We need another turkey from the kitchen pronto.

(sighs)

Hang tough, Andrea, and keep the faith, okay?

I'll work on it later.

Yeah. Bye, baby.

(chuckles) Say good-bye.

(Andrea speaking gibberish)

There you go, one turkey special with the works.

Young lady.

I don't want this.

I want a mega-burger.

Okay, I'll get you one.

With cheese.

I'll be right back.

Can't say I blame her.

Where's Donna?

I thought her and Ray were supposed to be here.

Yeah, she called Ray.

He has to stay at the Christmas tree lot

and she's expected at her mom's.

Oh, excuses, excuses.

Look, I was talking with Clare and, um, we were both thinking

that we could probably keep

the Peach Pit After Dark going,

well, with your help, of course.

Uh, what, what do you think?

Well, what I think is

these people need more gravy,

and we'll talk about it after the first of the year.

Okay?

Boy, when you see someone like that,

you thank God for everything you got.

♪ And wonders... ♪

Here you go.

♪ Of His love... ♪

So presumably they have contacts down in Brazil

helping them launder the money.

Or they're having one hell of a vacation.

(sighs)

Look,

Dylan, I...

I'd like to help you, but there's a problem.

I don't want to hear that.

The Bureau is understaffed.

If I turn your case over to them,

it'll just end up in a pile of paperwork.

Then you tell me what my other options are.

I might have another way of handling this.

If you just give me a little time.

Time.

"Time is money."

Whoever said it knew what they were talking about.

Dylan.

You know how I felt about your father.

I will do

everything I can.

I don't know when she found time to bake these,

but one Cindy Walsh pinwheel and you're hooked.

Thanks.

You were fine when we got to the Peach Pit.

What happened?

All right, we don't have to talk about it,

but if we don't...

Why were you staring

at that woman in the Peach Pit?

What woman?

It wasn't just you; everybody did it.

Everyone just looked at her

like she was something out of a freak show.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The woman

in the corner booth.

Everyone who passed by her had some morbid fascination

with watching her eat.

Maybe everybody was just feeling her pain.

Kelly, when I look at you,

I see the most beautiful woman I know.

I just don't know if I'm that same person anymore.

All right, come on.

Where are you going?

You promised my mom you'd take me to church.

Remember? Let's go.

(chuckling): I said that to appease her.

I didn't think that you'd want to go.

Well...

maybe she was right.

It is Christmas Eve, after all.

Thank you.

Oh, Mom, I almost forgot--

I want to take some of Lucille's ambrosia to Ray's tomorrow.

Oh, fine, honey.

I'll make sure she puts it in some Waterford for you.

Cute, Mom.

Excuse me, I'll be right down.

I forgot the car keys.

Sweetheart, I didn't want to ruin our dinner earlier

by bringing this up, but...

there's just something you've got to know about Ray.

Like what?

I think you've been terribly misguided by his sensibilities.

Oh, please, Mother.

Donna, how much do you really know about Ray?

Why are you asking me this?

Well, I guess you could say

I was confirming an instinct of mine.

So for your sake,

I went to see just how real his feelings are for you.

What did you do?

As a little test I offered him a check for $10,000

if he would agree

to stop seeing you.

Oh, my God!

I don't believe this!

How could you even think...?

I think you should be more concerned about the fact

that he took the money.

No, no, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Sweetheart, he did.

I know he didn't.

Yes, he did, Donna, he did.

I'm telling you, it broke my heart

to see how he just snapped it right up.

And going on about recording his music

or some such ridiculous whim.

I love him. I...

Oh, sweetheart, I know you do.

But wouldn't you rather find out the truth

about Ray now, then after he left you?

It's your birthday tomorrow.

Daddy and I love you so much.

You're the best Christmas present

we could ever have had.

Honey, don't let this ruin it for you,

okay?

(whispers): It's all right.

DONNA (voice breaking): I don't want to see him.

Okay, that's fine.

Why, though? What happened?

Nothing.

Come on, Donna, what's going on?

It's Ray.

He...

my mom tried...

Forget it.

Donna, you're not making any sense.

Come on, your mom tried to do what?

My mom,

she offered Ray $10,000

if he would stop seeing me.

And he took the money?

(grunts)

He's probably laughing all the way to the bank, huh?

Sure got that Beverly Hills bitch good.

Then what's he doing here?

Donna, you've gotta talk to him.

(sobbing)

No. RAY: Donna?

Get out of here!

Get out.

You gonna let me say something?

Look, I don't know

what you think happened, but you're wrong.

I know exactly what happened.

Yeah, okay, I took the check.

'Cause I knew you wouldn't believe me

if I just told you what your mother tried to do.

You'd call me a damn liar.

Go ahead and think what you want.

But just hear me out, all right?

I took the money and I kept it.

So that you'd know what your mother tried to do, all right?

That's the God's honest truth.

When she told me, I didn't know what to believe.

Look, I want you, Donna.

And I don't give a damn about your mother's money.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(whispers): I love you.

Sleep in heavenly peace--

that's pretty good advice, huh?

Very good.

I'm glad we went to church.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, it's funny.

Every year my first impulse is to avoid going,

but then you go there and you let it all sink in, you end up

feeling that everything is right with the world.

Sounds like you had a religious experience.

Mm-hmm. I think I'm ready for another experience.

Ohh...

(sighs)

I missed you last night.

I missed you, too.

I fell asleep listening to Chris Berman say

"He-could-go-all-the way!"

(chuckles)

Well, with any luck, he could.

I'm ready.

I swear that isn't one of the things I prayed for in church.

Yeah, right. I'm just gonna go upstairs

and change my bandages.

Can I help you?

No, I can do it myself.

I'll meet you in bed.

Okay.

Come on, don't tell me you called

just to wish me a Merry Christmas.

IRIS: That's exactly why I called.

Whoa, Iris McKay in the Christmas spirit.

Let me guess, your guru told you

that your karma needed some tweaking.

(laughing)

My karma's fine.

It's my son I worry about.

Yeah, well...

What can I tell you?

I'm here, with my nonalcoholic eggnog

just ringing in the yuletide.

It's no picnic, Iris.

No, well, you're still battling your old spirit.

It takes a while.

Well, the old spirit's pretty strong.

Sometimes I wonder if I still have the strength to fight it.

Dylan, through hard times

the secret is in just accepting who you are, and where you are.

That's where the freedom comes from.

It gets better.

Yeah, something tells me it wouldn't take much

to convince me that the view's still better where you are.

Well, then get it together and come visit.

Yeah, watch out. I just might do that.

Listen, Mom, I'm glad you called.

And, if it's not too formal

I would like to take this opportunity

to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Right back at you, kiddo.

Make them good holidays.

I love you.

I love you, Mom.

DYLAN: Hey, look out, make way.

Christmas tree express is coming through,

express train, whoo!

Oh, would you look at

the size of that monster!

Is it big enough for you?

Do you like that?

I'll tell you what, I got a car full of presents,

I got lights, I got decorations,

I got flashing candy canes!

And for the grand finale

I got three tickets to Disneyland.

I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

Are you kidding?

I never had a sister before.

Hey, hey, what's the matter?

I can't do it by myself.

I need help.

You'll have to help me

take this off.

Yeah.

And this, too.

All right.

It's still really sensitive.

Okay, hold on.

I don't want this to hurt you.

Oh, man.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kel, I had no idea.

It's grotesque-- you can say it.

No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

I keep thinking I must have done something horrible

to deserve this.

You didn't do anything.

Then why did it happen to me?

Sometimes things happen for no reason.

You've just gotta believe that somehow something good's

gonna come out of it.

Do I put the ointment on now?

Yeah.

I think about the fire

and Alison every minute.

I can't make it go away.

And now I have this...

a permanent reminder.

This doesn't change who you are, Kel.

Not to me.

(sighs)

How's that?

Good.

Thanks for staying.

I love you.

You might not say that after you get my bill.

Mother...

Ah, there you are.

I've been waiting for you.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas.

I'll go get Daddy,

and you can open up some of your presents, okay?

Is something wrong?

Yeah, very wrong.

Sweetheart, I know that last night

was very upsetting for you.

But it's your birthday.

Ray gave me the money back.

He told me everything.

I-I don't understand.

Yes, you do.

And since you were so generous,

I found a way to make someone's Christmas very happy...

Mom.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Would you care to tell me what that was all about?

You know, I felt like I was back in catechism again

the way Sister Mary Ignatius kept staring at us like that.

Jesse, she kept spitting out her pacifier.

She wouldn't take the bottle!

What did you expect me to do?!

You know, you were looking

for an excuse to leave anyway, weren't you? Yeah!

No, I was not.

But most people don't expect a teething, six-month-old baby

to behave at Midnight Mass!

Look, I'm sorry about last night, okay?

Let's just try to work through it, okay?

Look, it's Christmas.

Don't you want to open up presents?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

That's better.

Come on, Hannah.

Let's see what Santa brought you.

What did Santa bring you?

Oh, look it! Oh!

Look it!

Look! ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

(Hannah crying)

♪ Jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it... ♪

It's okay. Oh!

Oh, look,

what did Santa bring you?

It's a teddy bear Santa!

Look, Hannah, here's Santa!

Looky! Oh, hello, Hannah.

Oh, honey, it's okay.

(Hannah bawling)

I can't take this anymore!

Jesse...

You know what, you know what?

Why don't we just forget about Christmas altogether?!

'Cause you know what?

That's exactly what you want. Isn't it? Isn't it?

Jesse, that is not what I want!

(knocking at door) (parade announcer speaks indistinctly)

Hold on!

Hey, I'm coming. Hold on!

(knocking continues)

Merry...

(coughing)

(loud, raspy spitting)

Merry Christmas.

I'm a little tapped out, man.

You'll have to come back next year.

(knocking)

Hey, did you hear what I said?

My name is J.J. Jones.

And I'm a friend of Christine Pettit.

That name ring a bell?

Yeah, maybe. What can I do you for? Well, I think it's

the other way around. I'm here to help you, pal.

Me? Yeah, you.

Well, come on in, Jonesy.

You're welcome here.

Don't mind if I do.

Good to see you.

Ah, sorry about that.

That's all right.

Donuts...

You think it'd be all right

if I grabbed one of these little donuts?

'Cause, uh...

I got myself on this grapefruit, uh...

juice diet and, uh...

I got acids. They're killing me.

Yeah, before they do,

you wanna tell me what's going on here?

Well, we haven't gotten there yet, have we, huh?

Oh, my.

What?

Parades. What?

You like parades? I love parades.

Here. Well, let me tell you what the deal is.

I'm sorry I didn't come in ribbons,

but, uh,

I'm your Christmas present from Christine.

Well, then I know she read the wish list wrong, so...

No, no, I don't think so.

Not after she told me about your little fiasco,

what happened to you.

Now I want you to look at me, look at me.

I want you to look at me as a salvage expert.

Okay, I go after your dough

and maybe I find it. If I do, then I get half.

What? Half? What, are we married?

Plus expenses.

Now if you're interested, all I need is a handshake.

Right. Let me get this straight.

Now what you're telling me is that you...

Me. You?

Come on! come on! Come on, spit it out!

Look, I could be unwrapping presents

with my pet snake right now.

Besides,

this eight million dollars that's, uh, down in Rio,

all of a sudden, it gets my attention.

And I'm sure you've been losing a few winks

over it, too, huh?

From now on,

I want you to call me Jonesy, okay?

Is Jones your real name?

Is Jones anybody's real name, hmm?

(nervous chuckle)

Okay, so, uh, when do we go, Jones?

I don't think it's a "we" thing, sir.

What?

It's a me. You stay here, you stay put right here

and if I find something, I'll let you know.

Is it a deal, laddy buck?

Yeah.

SANTA CLAUS (on TV): Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas!

Mm, I wait all year for this.

Well, it looks incredible.

As my sister Dutch

says, "The fun starts

when you're lickin' those ladyfingers."

Here, dig in.

Hold on a second, Mom.

Luanne, Ray and I have a present for you.

Having Christmas dinner with you two is my present.

No, it's just a little something, Mom.

It's no big deal.

Ray, I'm gonna be embarrassed

if this is that negligee I asked you for.

You gotta be kiddin' me!

DONNA: First-class ticket for

a two-week cruise in the Caribbean.

You don't have to dream anymore.

My legs are shaking.

It was all Donna's idea, Mom.

I told her she could've just got you a box of candy,

but, uh, there was no stopping her.

Well, all I can say is

it's a lot better

than a bottle of eau de cologne.

Come here, you two.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, Ray.

This is the first good Christmas

I've had in a very long time.

I still haven't given you your present yet, Donna.

I've already got it.

Jesse, can I make you a sandwich or something?

Huh?

Oh no, no, thank you. I'm not hungry.

Maybe, uh, maybe we'll go on a walk or something later.

MAN: Ho-ho!

(knocking at door)

Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Why are you here, Steve?

♪ Santa Claus... ♪

Steve, man, thanks, but you know...

No, no, no, I didn't come down here from the North Pole

to hear that, bucko.

I came down here to make sure my favorite little girl has

a very special Christmas.

Right, Santa Clones?

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ooh, she's eating Santa's beard.

Watch out...

Look who it is. The more the merrier.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

The elves, we couldn't get

through the cold winters without them.

Oh, yes, aren't they gorgeous?

Oh, look how happy she is.

How quiet she is.

I've got the magic touch.

Aw...

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Feliz Navidad.

(Hannah fussing)

Oh, here you go, honey.

Here you go.

(knocking at door)

Oh, I'll get it, hold it up.

♪ Born is the king of Israel ♪

Dylan?

I thought it was about time I saw that baby of yours.

Come on in.

♪ Then let us all with one accord ♪

♪ Sing praises to our heavenly Lord ♪

(Hannah fussing)

(murmuring quietly)

Just a second.

Poochie-poochie.

♪ And with His blood mankind has bought ♪

♪ Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel ♪

(mouthing)

♪ Born is the king of Israel. ♪