Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(sign buzzing)

(rock music playing)

♪ She's a real enthusiast ♪

♪ She likes it hard and she likes it fast ♪

♪ Her need for speed is so insatiable ♪

♪ When she calls, I just say "Yes." ♪

(bell ringing)

Good evening, you lucky college perverts,

this is Howard Stern.

You're not Howard Stern.

You're my landlord, Mr. Pitts.

Don't look at me, sweetheart.

It's your dream.

And with me in the studio

is Donna Martin.

I should mention you look really fabulous, Donna.

I had no idea you were this attractive.

Is everything that I'm seeing for real?

Yes!

What are you doing here?

Well, besides

plugging my book, I'm here

because your audience keeps calling my show

all asking the same wacky question.

What's that?

Why are you still a virgin?

That's none of your business!

Why, Donna, why?

Why, Donna, why?

Stop it!

(laughing) Go away!

Donna, Donna, Donna,

Stop it! Donna, Donna, Donna...

Donna? Hmm?

Donna? Mm...

David, what are you doing?

Happy anniversary.

I remembered you said French tulips were your favorite,

so I found a shop right off campus that opens early.

Mm, they're beautiful.

Thank you.

So, two years ago tonight,

the Christmas dance at West Beverly.

I still can't believe

you were willing to go out with me.

Well, I can't believe it either.

And then we got on the dance floor.

And I realized I loved you.

And I didn't care what anyone else thought.

I should go put these in some water before they wilt.

Do you have to do that right now?

It's so hot out today.

You know I think it's gonna be like 90 degrees.

Yeah, well, the Santa Anas kicked up last night.

We're already on fire watch in the canyon,

but so far, everything seems to be under control.

That's a relief.

You know, the winds tend to affect people

in strange ways.

Oh, gosh, don't I know it?

My mom, she'd get so irritable.

My dad, he doesn't sleep for, like, two or three days.

Yeah, well, they affect me a little bit different.

Come on, Donna, it's a special day.

Don't you feel it?

Um, before, was I talking in my sleep?

No. Why?

Good.

I should go put these in some water.

NAT: Hey, my best pal.

How you doing? Good to be back.

Yeah, everyone's been missing you.

So I hear.

Yeah, especially your folks.

Yeah, right.

And what's this I hear about Emily Valentine?

How did that turn out?

Good. Yeah. So what's up?

More like who's down.

It's a definite code blue.

Go do your stuff.

Hey, pal, I bring you much cheer and good fortune.

Hey, Bran.

So, uh,

how's Emily Valentine?

Good.

Good?

All you have to say is good?

I didn't come here to talk about me, Steve.

Your message said it was urgent. What happened to you?

KEG Hell Week happened to me.

It started off all fun and games,

but, at the end, we had this pledge scavenger hunt.

And you busted out of the KEG House?

I got busted; breaking into Randall's office.

Are you serious?

I was supposed to retrieve some autographed baseball.

I've gotta see the Dean on Monday.

Steve, I love you man,

but if you were any dumber, you'd require fertilizer.

Why did you even have to join a fraternity anyway?

Hey, being part of this fraternity

is something I'm very proud of, okay?

Those guys are my brothers.

You want to make fun of me, fine,

but don't go bagging on the KEG House, okay?

Okay, okay.

But I gotta tell you, man, it's getting pretty tired,

me having a best friend

who's always getting in so much trouble.

Would it be too much to ask you for a favor, Brando?

What do you want me to do?

Well, you're buddy-buddy with Randall.

Maybe you could talk to him.

Maybe he'll let me slide.

Steve, I can't do that.

I'm in no position to ask Randall for any favors.

Can't your brothers help you out?

We're gonna have a meeting about this tonight.

Then relax.

They got you into this, they'll get you out, right?

Thanks, Brando.

I knew I can count on you for this.

You know, having dinner in Chinatown

is a great way to do your anniversary.

Yeah, and I really want it to be a celebration.

And I love Chinatown.

Me, too.

It always feels like you've traveled

to a different country.

I know and you don't even have to pack.

It's just too bad Andrea and Steve can't make it.

Yeah. I guess they're tied up.

Well, at least you and Dylan will be there.

Not as a couple.

This is hopeless!

Yeah, I know.

It's the desert winds. Dries up everything.

Kel, you know what,

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I dreamt that I was in the broadcast booth

and I was doing the show--

except I wasn't doing it with David,

I was doing it with Howard Stern.

Howard Stern?

Well, actually, it was our landlord

pretending to be Howard Stern.

Mr. Pitts?

Yeah. And he was interviewing me

like I was the last American virgin.

And he was laughing at me.

God, two weirdoes in one dream.

Hmm.

The happy wanderer returns.

How, how's it going, brother?

It's going.

How's Emily Valentine?

She's good.

She's good?

That's what I said.

Whoa. No?

Hey. Whoa.

A+. Why am I not surprised?

Well, to tell you

the truth, I was expecting a failing grade.

Old workhorse like you? Impossible.

Between the professor, his wife

and the basketball player I'm supposedly tutoring,

I'm learning a lot more in this course

than I bargained for.

Can't be too tough.

Sanders got a B+.

That's not the most amazing grade on that sheet.

D'Shawn Hardell got a B+ without even opening one single book.

It's good to be back at ol' Hypocrisy U.

Welcome home.

So what about tonight, bro?

You heading down to Chinatown, too?

Yeah, I'll be on my best behavior.

I didn't realize you had a discipline problem.

What, Brenda didn't tell you?

Me and Kelly, Thanksgiving Day in your living room,

we had a scene, it bordered on the ugly.

No, all she talked about was her unnaked triumph in her play.

Yeah, well, Bren may want

to have her repeat performance.

I, however, do not.

So, if Kelly and I can get through this thing

and just be civil, I'm happy.

Okay, ready to go?

Just about.

You know, we never got to talk about San Francisco.

How did it go with Emily?

Good.

Well, it must have been better than good

for you to skip out on Thanksgiving.

You know, I really wish

everyone would stop asking me about Emily.

If I wanted to talk about it, I would have.

Okay, if you don't want to confide in me,

clearly it was something incredibly personal.

Something you wouldn't even tell your twin sister.

Something amazing.

Yes, it was amazing.

It was one of the best weeks of my whole life.

And now she's disappeared.

Into thin air?

No, into France to study marine biology.

You know, I really love that girl.

What?

I can't wait to tell everyone.

Oh, no, I don't think

you'll be telling anybody anything.

Brandon, I'm kidding.

I'm glad you're home.

Yeah, me, too.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

(grunts)

STEVE: Come on, Ryan, you gotta help me out here.

There's just no easy

way to put this. My hands are tied.

Can't you tell the Dean it won't happen again?

Except hazing's illegal on campus.

Yeah, but everybody does it.

Yeah, only this year,

the Progressives are running the Student Senate

and they're gunning for us.

Man, we just can't get involved.

Great. So where does that leave me, huh?

And I can't even tell anybody why I was there, can I?

The fate of the house is riding on you, man.

It's not fair.

We should be able to do something to help Sanders.

He was just doing what he was told.

John, nobody feels worse about this than me.

Let's not blow this out of proportion, okay?

I mean, it's a first offense.

He'll probably get off with, with what,

a slap of the wrist?

But the bigger question is:

Will you cover for your brothers?

Yeah, of course.

What choice do I have?

All right, we're going

to have to distance ourselves from you for awhile.

We'll have to put you on probation

till Monday. Can you handle that?

Yeah.

Sanders, we may have had our differences in the past,

but you're one huge stud.

Here, this is from Bran and me.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, you guys shouldn't have.

But we're happy you did.

Well, we saw it in a little poster shop

in Westwood, and gosh darn,

if it didn't remind us of the two of you kids.

What is it?

Oh, yeah, that's us, all right.

Good old Ma and Pa down on the farm.

Well, you two are the only married couple here.

Absolutely, a role model for an entire generation.

Well, we're definitely gonna hang this

over the fireplace, possibly in it, if I can help it.

David!

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm definitely not gonna scoff

at a little bit of good fortune.

You know, I learned this great game

when I was in San Francisco

in this dim sum restaurant.

After anybody says a fortune, everybody adds two words to it.

What words?

"In bed."

Ooh, I'll go first.

"You can obtain any goal you choose."

In bed.

Wow. Whoa!

Yeah, just ask Stuart Carson.

"You have the power to influence many people."

All: In bed!

BRANDON: Whoa, Dylan!

What about you, Donna? Why don't you go next?

Okay.

"You will be starting on a new adventure."

All: In bed.

Young David Silver...

David! Thank you, good night!

(laughing)

Okay, wait, before we leave,

the anniversary couple has to make one wish in the fountain

before we leave.

Yeah, go for it, Donna.

Okay.

Oh, look, David, I got love.

Okay, my turn.

Well, well, well.

Could it be that young Silver's gonna get lucky tonight?

From your mouth to God's ears.

DYLAN: Oh, I don't know, luck, love.

Do I see a pattern developing here?

Oh, speaking of patterns,

the Christmas Dance is going on at West Beverly tonight,

and Dave and I thought we'd stop by,

kinda relive the old magic.

Is everyone up for it?

Uh, Donna, I didn't want to go to high school dances

when I was in high school. Why would I want to go now?

Yeah, Donna,

it's gonna take a couple more years for me

to become nostalgic for old West Bev.

I don't think so.

Sorry.

I'll pass.

Come on, you guys.

Don't you want to be with us?

DAVID: I think they want us to be by ourselves.

Say good night, Donna.

Good night, Donna.

Thanks guys, for everything.

Bye. See you later.

Bye. Have fun.

Bye, baby.

Bye. Bye.

BRANDON: Later, Silver.

So, uh, Kel, are you gonna be needing a ride home?

DYLAN: No, I'll take her.

You guys go ahead.

You sure it's okay to leave you two here alone together?

Think you can handle it?

I'm fine.

You got nothing to worry about.

See you later.

Bye. Bye.

Good night, Kel.

I don't know what it is about the Santa Anas,

but I haven't been myself all day.

Maybe it's not the Santa Anas.

Maybe I'm just nervous about being with you.

You know, in the Middle East they have winds,

they're called the "siroccos."

They blow across the northern desert of Africa,

and while these winds are blowing,

if you kill somebody, they don't even try to punish you.

Sort of like temporary insanity.

Kinda like the heat of passion.

Sort of like a full moon.

Our bodies are full of so much water,

the gravity starts pulling on us

in ways that we don't even realize.

It's like a tide rising.

(Donna sneezes)

Bless you.

Thanks.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

Thank you, David,

but you don't have to keep saying "bless you" anymore.

Oh, I had a wonderful time tonight.

You know, it was just like the first time

all over again.

(sneezes)

I'm sorry. It's okay.

It's just my allergies

with the winds and everything.

Must be all the pollen in the air.

Yeah.

You know, I should really go take an antihistamine.

No, no, don't. They put you to sleep.

Sorry.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

It was great meeting Grandma Rose.

You know, when you asked

for a second helping on those latkes,

you won her heart forever.

Why not? They're delicious.

I can't believe you, uh, bought me

a baseball glove for Hanukah.

Well, if you're going to hang around me,

you're gonna need it.

Oh, I see.

So it's more than a gift?

You better believe it.

It's getting late.

Yeah.

I've got, I've got a lot of reading to do.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

Good night.

Good night.

Welcome back to the second part

of my exposé on the Last American Virgin.

With me are Donna's parents,

Dr. and Mrs. Martin from Houston.

Hi, Howard.

Very nice to be here.

And in the hot seat is Hot Pants David Silver,

who's been pressuring Donna to do the wild thing.

Uh, I, I consider it romancing her, Mr. Pitts.

I'm not your landlord. I'm Howard Stern.

Oh, sorry, Howard. That's a a nice wig.

Uh, David, what's with you and Donna

and the ol' mattress mambo?

Well, I just want us both to share the intimacy

of a real relationship.

Wow, wow.

What a rap.

Dr. Martin, Felice, you buy that?

Well, as a doctor, I'm familiar

with the hormonal drives of young adults,

but I leave all of the parenting

to Felice.

And I don't buy it.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I don't believe in the motives of young men

who wear earrings.

What earring?

Look at this. The guy is willing

to sacrifice for a shot

at your daughter.

Dr. Martin, Mrs. Martin,

I love Donna.

Not just for her body, but for her mind.

Whoa...

And if she has sex with me, I promise I'll marry her.

Oh. Whoa.

I think we've exposed some raw honesty.

I'll tell you what, I'll spring for the condoms.

What do you say, Felice?

Well, I guess in that case, it's all right.

(applause and cheering)

Donna, if you're listening, sweetheart,

we give you our blessing to do the wild thing with David.

(gasps)

I just had a great idea.

What a coincidence. So did I.

Yeah, that is, if you're up to it.

Try me.

Okay, we get out of this bed,

we go cook some breakfast,

pack up the car... drive to Joshua Tree.

Joshua Tree?

Mm-hmm. It'll be great.

It's in the desert.

No one will be there, the winds will be really strong.

We'll build a fire.

Stay all night.

Oh, I'd really love to, but I can't.

Why not?

Mm...

The sorority is having a car wash.

I don't think I can get out of it.

Yeah...

Dylan, it's for a good cause.

I'm sure it is, Kel.

I just don't want to hear about it.

Okay, so I guess that leaves us where we left off.

No, I can do something else and hook up with you later.

You can?

Mm-hmm.

And that's okay with you?

You're not mad?

Let's not overanalyze, okay?

BRANDON: Hey, D'Shawn.

Yo, Brandon.

What's this? You going formal?

Now that I'm on the team,

I gotta look sharp for the road games.

What do you think?

I think we should probably talk.

(sighs)

Look, I want you to know I didn't say a word to Randall

about you and his wife.

And I shouldn't have threatened you,

but I was just, at the moment I was feeling...

Scared to take your midterm?

Ah, you're always cutting too deep.

I guess that's why I value our friendship.

Friendship? (chuckles)

D'Shawn, we don't have a friendship.

All you ever tried to do was use me.

Man, don't be like that.

I really appreciate your help.

Yeah, but you didn't need my help, did you?

You got a B+.

Did Randall just hand you that grade?

Yeah, and I'm cool with that.

You don't live in my world.

We're different, understand?

Oh, no. Don't get all racial on me now.

Cuz, this ain't a black thing or a white thing.

It's a green thing.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's all about money. That's right.

I get a chance to showcase my talent for the pros,

CU gets a shooting guard.

It's a fair trade.

No, it's not.

'Cause you didn't get to take Soc 101, and you know what?

You'd have liked it.

I gotta hit the gym.

If you want to sign back on as my tutor,

I heard Randall's going to be in his office late this afternoon.

'Nuff said?

Thanks for the tip.

And where is Miss Donna Martin?

I can't believe that she'd let her sisters down.

She is at the radio station doing public service spots.

She'll be here later.

Well, then I guess I'll save the RV for her.

Good idea.

Hey, girls, no horsing around!

There's work to be done.

When you're done there,

my back could use a good scrubbing.

Dylan, what are you doing here?

I thought you were going surfing.

Well, the desert winds kinda cancelled out the waves.

Nothing better to do, huh?

Actually, I thought I'd come down

and get the grime knocked off the old Speedster.

I'd love to...

(Kelly shrieks)

Whoops. Sorry, cowboy.

I must've made a mistake.

You asked for it, Sears!

Water fight!

Whoo!

No prisoners!

(all screaming)

No prisoners!

Do they do this every year?

(screams)

Sanders, cease fire, stop!

Cease fire now!

Come here, come here, come here, man.

(laughing): All right, man.

There's nothing I want more

than to have you in this fraternity, all right,

but you've got to work with me, okay?

Probation means no contact.

Oh, gosh, I was just coming for a car wash.

Sanders, get out of here.

Let him stay. What's the big deal?

Are you crazy? There could be faculty advisors coming.

We're going to get in trouble.

That's right, come on,

get out of here, let's go.

Hey, what are they doing to him?

Hey, Steve.

Where you going?

Hey, d-don't leave me here, man.

Where you going?

Public service announcement number four, take one.

If you're going to drink, don't drive.

And if you're going to drive, don't drink.

And if you have to choose between one or the other...

Drink gasoline.

David!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

No, it, it was funny.

You're funny...

and I think that you're very sexy.

Wow, uh, what's gotten into you?

Oh, I don't know, just feeling very grateful.

I mean, no matter what I put you through,

you always stay with me.

You must love me.

Believe me, after what happened last night,

and the fact that I'm still here today proves it.

Well, I won't argue with that.

Either that or I'm totally nuts.

I said I was sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that.

Last night was almost the perfect anniversary.

Well, then...

maybe we've waited long enough.

What?

I've been thinking-- it's been hard not to--

and lately all of the signs seem

to be pointing in one direction.

And what direction is that?

David... I love you,

and nothing we could ever do could ever...

be wrong.

You mean...?

That's right.

Tonight, I'm not going to take my antihistamine.

(stops tape)

Uh...

(chuckles)

(sighs)

(bell ringing)

One white rose.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

It reminds me of the first poem I ever learned by heart--

"La Rosa Blanca" by the great poet José Martí.

(chuckles)

Do you know it?

Why do I suddenly feel so culturally deprived?

(laughs)

"Cultivo la rosa blanca

"En julio como en enero

"Para el amigo sincero

Que me da su mano franca."

If you'd like, I'll teach it to you sometime.

I'd like that.

So, you've had enough sightseeing?

No, I like seeing your old neighborhood.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Yeah, I don't ever want to forget where I came from.

Good for you.

(horn honking melody)

(chuckling): We're right on time.

Okay, you've treated me to the best latkes in L.A.

Now get ready for the best burrito.

(chuckles)

Come on, I want you to meet my family.

Your family?

Yeah.

Hey, Ma. Oh, Jesse!

(both laughing)

How you doing?

Ma, this is a very good friend of mine-- Andrea Zuckerman.

Hello, very nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

You have a wonderful son.

Thank you. Hey, muchachos, huh.

JESSE: Hey, it's my Uncle Lolo and my cousin Humberto.

ANDREA: Hello.

Now, I recommend the machacas burritos.

Do you want that "gringo," I mean mild, or...?

No way, I'll have it just the way you do.

(both chuckling)

Now there's only one thing

that could make this afternoon any better.

Hmm?

If you'd come back to my apartment in Westwood.

Well, I'm always up for a little more sightseeing.

Woof.

Woof.

(both chuckle)

LUCINDA: Just when I thought it was going to be

a dull day.

Lucinda, hi.

I was actually looking for your husband.

You just missed him.

Come in.

You at least owe me a little thanks.

I do?

And what for?

Did you get to D'Shawn?

Well, actually, I did tell him there was nothing

between us, and since Cory knows nothing about us,

well, you can go on living your square little existence.

Oh, goody.

But I'm serious about expecting a wee bit

of gratitude.

Well, what'd you expect?

You want me to throw you over the desk for a quickie?

I came here for something else.

You've got nothing to do with it.

Well, then you're lucky Cory isn't around.

You wouldn't want to tangle with him.

He's in a pretty bad mood these days.

This wouldn't have anything to do

with his office getting broken into, would it?

No, we had a nasty little fight.

That break-in was comic relief.

My husband's precious autographed balls

were never in jeopardy.

What are you talking about? The campus cops

were tipped off.

They knew exactly when the thief would be here.

Tipped off by who?

Anonymous phone call.

But, uh...

maybe I could find out more if you're nice.

No, you've already told me enough.

Thank you.

(sighs)

Ah, geez, beat it, Walsh.

Steve, come on,

I've been looking for you everywhere, man.

Why, so you can tell me I'm a dimwit

and how I'm not worthy of being your friend, huh?

I'm sorry, bro, I know I was a little hard on you yesterday,

but that's before I knew that you getting caught

in Randall's office wasn't your fault.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you got set up.

The brothers at the KEG House...

Steve... the cops got

an anonymous phone call.

They were waiting for you.

Who in the frat house knew what you were up to?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

You do that, you leave the rest up to me.

Okay? What are you going to do?

(sighs)

I'm going to bat for you with Randall.

Hey, man, that's like putting your head

on the chopping block.

Maybe it's time to clear the decks.

It's something I should have done a long time ago.

Hey, Bran.

You just might be the only brother I got.

Head-butt?

No.

♪ The way that you love me, it's like no other ♪

♪ The way that you kiss me ♪

♪ It leaves me falling ♪

♪ The way that you hold me over and over... ♪

Wow.

♪ Nobody else can make me feel this way... ♪

Since when did we get so many candles?

Well, I just want to make sure that everything... is perfect.

Hmm.

Well, you're right.

This is something we are going to remember

for the rest of our lives.

You sure you're ready for this?

♪ Is this a fantasy or real ♪

♪ Please show me the way ♪

♪ The way that you love me, it's like no other ♪

♪ The way that you kiss me ♪

♪ It leaves me falling ♪

♪ The way that you hold me... ♪

(doorbell rings)

Are you expecting somebody?

Maybe Kelly forgot her key?

Wait right here.

Don't go anywhere, okay?

I'll be right back.

(doorbell rings)

I'll be right there.

Uh...

Mrs. Martin, Dr. Martin, what are you two doing here?

Uh, well, we thought we would, um, um,

surprise Donna with a little visit.

Well, she's not here right now.

I was just taking a nap.

A nap?

It's 10:00 at night.

David, are you in the habit

of running around here in your underwear?

Uh, it's only when I'm here by myself.

Which isn't too often because I'm usually at my own apartment.

David, what's going on?

Mom, Dad.

What a surprise.

I thought you said she was out.

Oh, well, I-I just snuck in a few minutes ago.

David, what, what are you doing here?

He said that...

he was taking a nap.

Right, nap.

I almost forgot.

See, David's air conditioning is out,

so we're letting him sleep on our couch.

No,

we walk in here unexpectedly

and find the two of you in your underwear.

I think there's a better explanation.

Well, actually, it turns out that we had an extra bedroom,

so Kelly and I decided that David could move in.

Donna, are the two of you living together?

No, it's, it's not like that.

David has his own bedroom

and nothing has changed.

FELICE: Nothing has changed?

Right from the very beginning,

you've been lying to me, haven't you?

Yes, but...

Every phone call, every letter has been a betrayal.

And you're telling me, nothing has changed?

Why, I can see we never should have left her here.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

(door closes)

Oh... (groans)

Well, I hope that wasn't meant for me.

(chuckles): No.

There's something unnatural about hot winds in December.

The weather's beautiful, but the side effects aren't worth it.

Well, the paper says they've already died down.

Your sinuses will recover.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going so early?

Up to the campus.

I'm going to work out, hang out a little bit,

try to find one of my teachers.

On a Sunday?

Yeah, he usually works in his office on the weekends.

You aren't in some kind of trouble, are you?

Dad, me?

The good son?

How could you ask me a question like that, huh?

He's in trouble.

(Felice sighs)

They're waiting in the living room to take me to church.

I can't really talk.

What happened after I left?

It didn't get any better.

Yeah, for me either.

When I showed up at Mel's last night,

I interrupted him and Nina.

FELICE: Donna, are you almost ready?

Yeah, I'll be there in a second.

(sighs heavily)

I wish I didn't have to go through this alone.

Yeah, well, I'd be there in a flash

if I thought it would help.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

Hi. Hi.

(kissing)

Hi. Sorry I kept you waiting.

So, how was the hotel?

Oh, it was lovely.

It was lovely.

After church, we're gonna go to brunch

and we'll all sit down and just talk sensibly, okay?

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry about last night.

Well, honey, that's all very well and good,

but I just don't understand why you had to lie to me.

Why?

Because if I told you the truth,

you never would have let us move into this apartment.

Now, Donna, how do you know that?

You never gave me a chance.

She's right, Felice, you wouldn't have.

Now, come on, we talked about this last night.

Let's not go backwards, all right?

Donna lives 2,000 miles away from us.

She has her own life,

and you really gotta make your own decisions now.

I know that what Daddy says is true.

It's just hard for me to realize you've grown up.

Well, you need to have a little faith in the job you've done,

and know I've done nothing to make you ashamed of me.

Oh, baby...

I know you haven't.

I just want to be sure that I can trust you again.

You can, Mom.

You can.

Sweet.

SEARS: Sanders, what are you doing here?

Don't worry, this won't take long.

Man, are you determined to bring this fraternity down?

I thought you cared about the brotherhood.

I do.

There's just one thing I gotta know.

Who knew I was gonna hit Randall's office that night?

All right,

now I've had it with you, goon boy.

Why don't you get out of here.

Why don't you start answering some questions?

I'm gonna get Mike Ryan.

Nobody talk to this guy.

He's going to get us all kicked out for hazing.

Come on, Keith.

Besides you and Sears, who else knew?

Nobody, just us.

What's your problem?

Every other pledge took the same risks,

only you were the only one dumb enough to get caught.

Hmm.

Kind of makes you wonder, don't it?

KELLY: This is amazing.

DYLAN: What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt you.

That's okay. What?

Oh, it's this article that I'm reading.

They did a... a study on children of divorce.

In one group, the parents had shared custody.

And in the other group, only one parent had custody.

Kind of like Erin?

Yeah, Erin, and me, too.

The thing is that

the kids that went back and forth

actually learned that their parents' love

would be there even when they weren't.

Hmm.

I guess I'm still working on that.

Yeah, aren't we all?

You know, if you hadn't come to the car wash,

that would have been okay.

Well...

You know...

last night, when we were together,

I really liked hearing about the rest of your day, too.

(laughs)

I guess what I'm getting at is...

we don't have to spend every waking hour together

to be a couple.

Eloquently put.

So, there is hope for us, huh?

Yeah.

(laughs)

So, how was Hanukkah with Jesus?

His name is Jesse.

Sorry. Jesse.

Are you going to be watching me all the time?

Well, Andrea, I'm just worried about you.

What's going to be left when the novelty wears off?

What could you two possibly talk about?

How to mix the perfect margarita?

For your information, he is a second year law student.

Really? Really.

Of course, affirmative action.

Easy to be glib

when you come from an estate in Encino, isn't it?

You really love this guy.

Yeah, you're damn right.

Then adios, muchacha.

(door closes)

Professor Randall.

I'm not open, office hours.

Yeah, I know, but this is kind of important.

All right, make it fast.

Listen, uh,

the guy who broke into your office-- Steve Sanders--

he's a friend of mine.

Not too bright a friend.

Listen, it was just a prank.

It was going to be returned on Monday.

You know, if he really wanted to tick me off,

he should have taken my Don Drysdale baseball.

Because I got this autographed myself when I was a kid.

Big "D" was my favorite pitcher.

You know why?

Because Drysdale was an intimidator.

He understood the game within the game.

See, some guy comes up there, thinks he's gonna get a hit,

Drysdale would just throw a high, hard one

right at his head.

Well, after that, only the greatest hitters

could come up there without getting weak knees.

You know, kind of the way you're facing me right now.

What's the matter?

You can't handle the game within the game?

Actually, I just came here to ask a favor.

A favor?

Yeah...

I was hoping you could drop the charges against Steve.

Oh, well, yeah, I could do that.

You could? Oh, yeah, sure.

All I'd have to do would be to call Security,

tell them I forgot I gave him access.

It's just a mistake.

Oh, that would be great.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna do that,

because you've been hitting the sheets with my wife.

Ooh... knockdown pitch.

D'Shawn tell you that?

No, no one told me.

I know Lucinda when she targets somebody.

I know how hard she comes on, believe me.

But the question is:

What am I going to do about it now?

Look, nothing happened.

When I found out she was your wife,

I bailed.

Oh, yeah, right.

Wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole...

I wouldn't touch her with a sequoia.

Look, I don't care whether you believe me or not.

Just don't take this out on Steve Sanders.

Hey, I'll take it out on whoever I want to, pal!

You're finished here.

Fine, Professor Randall, you want to play a game?

I'll play a game with you.

I'll go to the newspapers, I'll go to the dean,

I'll go to the NCAA, I'll go to whoever will listen to me,

and I'll tell them how you gave D'Shawn a big fat grade

just so he'd be eligible to play on the team this season.

You can't prove that.

Try me.

Now, are you gonna call the Security office or am I?

(picks up phone receiver)

So, when did you get back?

About an hour ago.

So, was it a horror show with your parents?

No.

Actually, it was pretty nice.

And they said it would be okay

if we kept things the way they are.

Meaning?

Meaning that the three of us

can continue to live here.

I don't know how you did it, but...

I say we just pick up where we left off.

Mm, no, David.

I don't think so.

Now what?

It's just...

that I gave them my word that I wouldn't.

See, I knew it.

The second you saw your mother,

it would be high school all over again.

But, David, they trust me.

And it's not like that's all we have between us.

You said so yourself.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You really think so?

I'm sure of it.

All right.

Oh, David, you're the best.